Boyz in da Wood Doctors


Boyz in da Wood

When Kevin's car is damaged, paintball war is declared. Heston takes his relationship with Marina a step further, while Freya decides to put hers to the test.


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Transcript


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'Take the second exit from the roundabout.'

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We haven't passed a roundabout for ten miles!

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Women navigators(!)

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I don't know what was wrong with paintballing in Letherbridge.

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Urban arenas are for girls. This is extreme paintball.

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Separates the men from the boys.

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-Yeah, but we didn't have time for breakfast.

-And I need a leak.

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Can I help it if everything I touch turns to gold?

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Just call me King Canute.

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King Midas.

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King Canute tried to hold back the sea.

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Yeah, well, he can probably do that as well.

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-Are you going to tell us why we're here?

-Yeah, and where's Tim?

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Tim is no longer on the team. So there's a vacancy.

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Think of this as a... sort of a job interview.

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Like the Apprentice?

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Yeah. And one of you will impress me today.

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Right, better go for a waz.

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Ooh. Watch it, mate.

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Sorry. Didn't see you down there.

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Right, either of you got experience?

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No. Something tells me you do.

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Captain of the Spartans. University Scenario Team of the year, 2006.

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I can't decide whether to have sausage and bacon or double sausage.

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We need to talk tactics.

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Or both.

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It's a bunch of boys running around with toy guns.

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That's where you're wrong. It's a game of strategy. And the core skills

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you'll need in the forest are angles, communication. A, C, T.

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-Hash browns.

-Mmm.

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Right. Rule number one. Stick to the perimeter.

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That way, the enemy can only come at you in one direction.

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Hello. Hugo. What, you're kidding?

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I thought you said they were going to put in an offer.

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RADIO ALARM

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No, hang on.

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I have got...to get to work.

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THEY LAUGH

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Oh, so there's no viewing lined up. What about the couple with the dog?

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Oh, for... Oh, that's brilliant, that is.

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-Oh, could be worse.

-Yeah, it's paintwork, mainly.

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What do you reckon? £500 worth of damage each?

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-It's not worth losing our no claims over.

-Too right.

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-You happy to settle without going through the insurance?

-Yeah, definitely.

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If you want to send me a cheque

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if you haven't got cash?

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It was your fault!

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I don't think so. I've got witnesses.

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He left his car in gear.

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Kangaroo hopped into the back of you.

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Yeah.

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-You reversed into us!

-You're lying!

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Why don't you put it through your insurance? Let them decide.

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You kidding me? It's his word against mine.

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-The insurers side with the one who's been tailgated.

-Shame.

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-Six years, no claims up in smoke.

-Here's my card. In case you come to your senses,

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decide to settle in cash. Come on.

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It's not often a dashing man makes me breakfast and walks me to work.

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It's not every day a beautiful woman spends the night in my company.

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You're so charming.

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I'm really going to miss you when you go away.

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Well, on the subj...

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If not your tea. I could murder a cup of builders.

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Welcome.

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Captain "Cap" Harker.

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Chief Marshall and your referee for today.

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This is not a game. It is not recreation.

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It is a team building exercise.

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Within the confines of this arena, there is one law.

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Harker's law.

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65 acres of woodland. 14 fields of play,

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including Hamburger Hill, Fort Ranger,

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The Village, Snake Field, and Bridge Attack.

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Form a line please, gentleman.

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This is not a Girl Scouts jamboree!

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Today's theme is team. In combat, your unit is your family.

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OK, everybody out. Move it! Move it!

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Move! Move!

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Two teams. Red and blue.

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-You are blue.

-I like to be red.

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Shush!

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We'll make our way to start camp where you will be issued with

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a map, a compass and a first aid kit.

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Your mission -

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which you have already chosen to accept - is to find your way back to base.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello.

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You have two lives each.

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Loss of life incurs a half-hour time penalty.

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Well, she'd started asking questions. I had to speak her.

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I disagree. It was up to me to break the news to her

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and I didn't know you needed a written warning.

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The first team across the line wins.

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Yes, I can count how many bedrooms we have.

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You can forget your smartphones and your sat nav aps

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and your GPS trackers,

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because any second now, we're going out of range.

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Of course she won't be expected to share with Izzie.

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That's something Zara and I need to talk... Hello?

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DID YOU GET ALL THAT?

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Sir! Yes, Sir!

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That... That's disgusting.

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What you doing?

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What? It's camouflage and it's all around you. So use it.

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Have you chosen a team leader?

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-I'm here, aren't I?

-There you go.

-Oi!

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I'm just...

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Assuming? Nothing changed there, Danny boy.

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One, I'm the only one that knows about paintball.

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Two, today was for my benefit.

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And three, if you'd shown any leadership qualities at all,

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we wouldn't be here.

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Fine by me.

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God help you.

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Oh! The enemy has landed.

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, I am so sorry, Mrs T. Tembe. Um...

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My alarm didn't go off. And I...IT'S normally so reliable.

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Your lie-in obviously did you the world of good.

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-You're positively glowing.

-That's as maybe.

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But your minor surgery with Doctor Carter is in half an hour

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and I hope you were not expecting him to prepare the equipment himself.

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-No. Right.

-Dirty dog.

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I have no idea what she means.

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Call this a competition? We were expecting a real team.

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-We can take you.

-Ooh. We're really scared.

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-You and who's army?

-Oh, break it up, ladies.

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-If you've got issues - fight them out in the arena.

-All right.

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A little wager, settle this matter once and for all.

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Whoever's on the losing team pays for both cars. All right?

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HE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

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All right. All right. Fine. We'll see them off.

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Good. Now put down your handbags and pick up your weapons.

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Oh, no, thanks. We've got our own.

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See you in battle.

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-Be funny if we changed it.

-Funny in what way?

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Oi! Ollie! This way!

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We'll give them a surprise.

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Be on the lookout for any possible ambush sites.

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Any bunkers, any thick patches of undergrowth by the trail.

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Her exact words were,

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"Does the world need another one of your heartbroken,

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"neglected offspring?"

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That's harsh.

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Down! Down! Down!

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Now she's saying is, Zara's house is too small.

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Shhh!

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Ignore it. She's just angry you're moving on.

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OK, move out.

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Heaven forbid that Izzie would have to share a room with the baby. Oh!

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Hang on, does anyone recognise that tree?

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They all look the same to me. Does that make me a treeist?

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-No, we've been here before. Hang on.

-It's this way.

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It does, er, look a little familiar.

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-Are you sure we're not going round in circles?

-Yes.

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I say we vote.

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This isn't a democracy. This is a team.

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And I'm the leader.

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So you do what I say.

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-We're sticking to the map.

-Zip it!

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Well, I definitely recognise this.

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-We're going round in circles.

-Bunker. On guard.

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This was supposed to be fun. Not a yomp in the woods with Pol Pot Jr.

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BATTLE CRIES

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Three lives lost within the hour. Congratulations. A record.

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I'll make sure your names are added to the roll of dishonour.

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You still have time to catch 'em if you put your mind to it.

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Oh, by the way, they are all experienced long distance runners.

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HE LAUGHS

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What a bunch of twonks.

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That was too easy.

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How did you know to stake out that bunker?

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I, er, switched the marker.

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What did you do that for?

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-Because we want to win.

-By cheating?

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Grow some balls.

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Oliver, if you want to be on my team, you better wise up to the fact

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that I don't care how we win.

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Just if.

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Keep up, will you?!

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What's the point? They've got half an hour head start.

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I could be home in time to register with another estate agent.

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Tempted to join you. It'll get Lisa off my back.

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We're not giving up.

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Why? It's not like we can win.

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Because I'm not a quitter.

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We're here because you're a quitter.

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The only reason I quit is because of your total lack of mentoring skills.

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Guys, hang on. Look.

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Well, who had the map last?

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I think you did.

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No, I didn't.

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It was tied to your rucksack.

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If we follow the perimeter markers, we'll still make base camp first.

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If no-one's tampered with them, of course.

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Who died and made you my conscience?

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You're starting to remind me of Tim.

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He was a real pain in the backside as well!

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ARGH!

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DISTANT PAINED HOWLING

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What was that?

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This changes everything.

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They can still follow the arrows.

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Exactly. Which means I've got a plan.

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Look, hear me out.

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Are you OK?

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Aargh! Does it look like...? Aargh! Ribs!

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We need to get help.

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Now would be good. Can't...breathe.

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Let's go.

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Not in the same direction, you pillock.

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Flag's up. Game on. We've got two options.

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Make a dash down the middle or skirt the perimeter

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and risk running into them.

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-What do you reckon?

-Your call.

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-You got us this far.

-OK. I reckon our best chance is to...

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-Wow, wow, wow!

-Don't shoot! I need help. My mate's hurt.

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Hang on, hear him out.

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-It's a ruse. Classic.

-No, it's the truth.

-Where's his gun?

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What happened?

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He fell on a rock. He's in agony. He can't breathe.

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-Could be a pneumothorax. We're doctors.

-He knows that!

-How?

-I don't know.

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It's some coincidence him coming with a medical emergency just when we're on our way to the finish!

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-Scout's honour.

-I believe him.

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And if you're wrong, it's going to cost me a grand, so I reckon we shoot him,

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-we tie him up, and we head for the finish.

-Yeah, and if YOU'RE wrong,

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you're prepared to take that risk?

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Dr Wilson.

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Sorry.

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Remember the sterile technique.

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-Yep.

-And you must get the whole capsule so there's no reoccurrence.

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How are things going with Marina?

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Perfect. With one flaw. She has no palate.

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She's a gastronomic desert.

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Try and get it all out in one go,

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give yourself enough access.

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Is that enough?

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That's very good. Very good. Now, nice and steady.

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Nice and steady. It's too late for that.

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You're never too old to change.

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Take fish fingers, for example.

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Kids love 'em, and so do we.

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There comes a point in life where you think...

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I don't know, what about sea bass?

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Every one raves about it...

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so you think, "Yeah, OK,

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"I'll try it.

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"I'll step out of the box."

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And you try it...

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and you like it...

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and suddenly, those fish fingers seem kind of bland by comparison.

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I'm sorry. That made no sense whatsoever.

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No, on the contrary, Dr Wilson. Wise words.

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Wise words, indeed.

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Oh, no, give me a hand.

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Great(!)

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I ask you to get help - you bring the three stooges.

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They're doctors.

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He's tachycardic. OK...

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HE CRIES OUT

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Fractured ribs.

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HE GROANS

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Hyper resonant to percussion.

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Trachea's deviated.

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In English, please!

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You've got a tension pneumothorax.

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One of your ribs has damaged your lung so the pressure's building in your chest, stopping you breathing.

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-Agh!

-Is it serious?

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-Can you do anything?

-We can make a hole in the wall of the chest to decompress the air.

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What...here?

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You must be joking... Are you sure they're doctors?

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We're GPs, mate.

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Oh...thanks.

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I'll pass...wait for the real thing.

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That is not a good idea.

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You are NOT touching me, you bunch of muppets!

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-OK, he's going to go off at any minute

-Meaning?

-Meaning,

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the compression of the mediastinum is compromising your cardiac output, leading to circulatory collapse,

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which means you're slowly suffocating to death.

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So, you could wait for a "real" doctor, but it's touch and go whether you'll live that long.

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It's your choice, "mate".

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I know it's only early days in our relationship,

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but I just can't bear the thought of that time apart.

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So what do you say?

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Oh, Heston, I'd love to.

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'It sounds divine.'

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Yes! Fantastic!

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Local ingredients in my masterful hands

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will rid you of your desire for bland British cuisine.

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I'm warning you, Heston. Don't try and change me, OK?

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Besides, I've got other plans for your masterful hands.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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I can't wait to find out what they are.

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OK, dispatch your passport details post haste and I will book the flights!

0:16:280:16:32

Ciao, Bella.

0:16:320:16:34

Try not to touch his chest.

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Antiseptic wipes to clean the site...

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catheter, knife. We can't stitch the wound so we'll have to tape it.

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-I need you to assist me.

-What about Jimmi?

-He's got an open wound. We can't risk it.

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You want me to inset a chest drain in the middle of a woods?

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-I have every faith in you.

-NOW you have faith in me, when it suits you?

0:16:510:16:54

Kevin, I never doubted your skills as a doctor.

0:16:540:16:57

If you don't know that,

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then I'll take the wrap, because it was my job, as your mentor, to let you know.

0:16:590:17:03

A pat on the back wouldn't have gone amiss.

0:17:030:17:06

-Well, you better believe it because we need to do this.

-OK.

-Are you all set?

0:17:060:17:10

-Yeah, I'm not sure.

-Don't be stupid.

0:17:100:17:13

I'm hardly the guy you want next to you in a crisis. What if something goes wrong?

0:17:130:17:16

What will go wrong?

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Well, let's see.

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Haemorrhage, re-expansion, pulmonary oedema, drain blockage,

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cardiac tamponade, not to mention infection.

0:17:230:17:25

Top marks for bedside manner - very reassuring.

0:17:250:17:28

He's tachycardic and he looks hypoxic. We haven't got long.

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RINGING TONE

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'Hey.'

0:17:430:17:45

Hey.

0:17:450:17:46

-'You called.'

-Yeah, couldn't find the, er, TV presser. I found it now.

0:17:460:17:50

Make yourself at home(!)

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'Is that a problem?'

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No, be my guest.

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I will be home in about an hour.

0:17:550:17:58

Shall I get some food?

0:17:580:18:00

Not curry. I've got a ring of fire after last night.

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Very sexy.

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I'll see you later.

0:18:060:18:07

Tarra.

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The mid clavicular line is located midway between the midsternal and the axillary lines.

0:18:110:18:16

I've gone blank.

0:18:160:18:17

-Oh...great(!)

-Palpate downwards until you feel the third rib.

0:18:170:18:21

The second intercostal space is directly above.

0:18:210:18:25

OK, got it. Hold his shoulders.

0:18:260:18:28

You know, I would, mate.

0:18:280:18:30

-You would what?

-I, I would want you next to me in a crisis.

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In fact, I've been meaning to do this for ages -

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will you do me the honour of being my best man?

0:18:350:18:38

-I don't know what to say!

-Excuse me!

0:18:380:18:41

Do you mind concentrating on the job in hand?

0:18:410:18:44

I'd be proud to.

0:18:440:18:45

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

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Screw this up, I'll sue you for every penny you've got.

0:18:490:18:52

HE CRIES OUT

0:18:540:18:55

LOUD SCREAM

0:18:570:18:59

You all right? All right?

0:19:030:19:05

That's it. Steady, steady...

0:19:070:19:09

Guys, it hasn't worked.

0:19:160:19:18

-He's losing consciousness, guys.

-Give it to me. Give it to me.

0:19:180:19:22

OK...

0:19:220:19:23

HE INHALES SHARPLY

0:19:280:19:31

He's pinking up. He's less tachycardic.

0:19:320:19:35

-You did it!

-WE did it.

0:19:350:19:37

So can you improvise a stretcher, please?

0:19:370:19:40

Camouflage netting?

0:19:400:19:42

Yeah, come on, I'll give you a hand.

0:19:420:19:45

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm buzzing.

0:19:460:19:47

-The reason why I became a doctor.

-I never doubted you.

-You said that with a straight face.

0:19:470:19:52

-I never doubted you as a physician.

-You just thought I was a murderer.

0:19:520:19:56

-Kevin...

-No. No. My girlfriend gets brutally murdered,

0:19:560:19:59

no sympathy.

0:19:590:20:00

I get banged up as the perpetrator.

0:20:000:20:03

My mum... My mum has bricks thrown through her window.

0:20:030:20:07

Sorry, mate, I didn't know.

0:20:070:20:09

-Yeah, well, no worries, I'll be out of your hair anytime soon.

-Oh, get over yourself.

0:20:090:20:13

Why do you think Julia went to all the bother of organising this charade?

0:20:130:20:17

-You tell me?

-I don't have to. You just showed me.

0:20:170:20:21

You are not going anywhere. When we get back, you'll tell Julia you're staying.

0:20:210:20:25

Why? Because you say so?

0:20:250:20:26

Yes. Because I need to become a better mentor, all right?

0:20:260:20:30

NOW one of you is a murderer. It gets better and better(!)

0:20:300:20:34

Don't worry. He only murders people he doesn't like.

0:20:340:20:38

Hey, watch where you're going. Precious cargo.

0:20:390:20:42

Need any dirty jokes for your best man's speech?

0:20:420:20:45

No, he doesn't!

0:20:450:20:47

That's if I ever get to the altar.

0:20:470:20:49

Three, two, one, down. Have some rest.

0:20:490:20:51

Mate, the wedding's February. Don't say you've got cold feet already?

0:20:510:20:55

Cherry will go ballistic when she finds out the house has fallen through.

0:20:550:20:58

She might call the whole thing off.

0:20:580:21:00

Do you guys ever shut up?

0:21:000:21:04

It's like Dear Deidre.

0:21:040:21:05

That, or I've died and woken up in the middle of a bad soap opera.

0:21:050:21:09

Why don't you sell it to Daniel? He needs to upsize and it'll get that Lisa off his back.

0:21:090:21:14

That's a surprisingly good idea. Coming from you.

0:21:160:21:19

Three, two, one,

0:21:190:21:21

lift.

0:21:210:21:23

-Hey! There's an ambulance on the way to Base Camp.

-Good.

0:21:230:21:28

-What was that!?

-They're about to cross the finish.

0:22:070:22:10

I've a grand riding on this.

0:22:100:22:13

They saved your life.

0:22:130:22:14

They were doing their job! Now, I'm doing mine,

0:22:140:22:18

which is, turning every opportunity into a profit...

0:22:180:22:21

Aghhh! What... What did you do that for?!

0:22:210:22:24

-Because you're a tit.

-We can still win.

0:22:240:22:27

Last chance, Oliver. Shoot him.

0:22:280:22:31

Go on, impress me.

0:22:320:22:35

I like your style... If, if only you were more of a team player.

0:22:350:22:39

I don't want to be on your team.

0:22:390:22:42

Shoot me.

0:22:450:22:47

Go on!

0:22:470:22:48

Else we'll win.

0:22:480:22:50

Thanks.

0:22:530:22:54

MAN GROANS

0:23:010:23:03

-Hiya.

-Hey.

0:23:080:23:10

I'll just put these in the kitchen, shall I?

0:23:110:23:15

'Fish and chips do you?

0:23:150:23:17

'Erm, I got some sea bass. I just fancied a change.

0:23:170:23:20

Ah, change of plan. Gavin rang. I'm off down the Fat Badger.

0:23:200:23:23

What's the problem?

0:23:290:23:30

Nothing.

0:23:300:23:31

Well, I just bought food. So... Shove up.

0:23:330:23:36

Well, the least you could do is eat it.

0:23:380:23:41

Chill, babe. You're starting to sound like a girlfriend.

0:23:410:23:45

I just thought it might be nice to spend some time together while were not...

0:23:450:23:49

you know.

0:23:490:23:51

Now you definitely sound like a girlfriend.

0:23:510:23:53

Would that be such a bad thing?

0:23:530:23:55

I'm not just some sex toy, you know?

0:23:590:24:01

Well, that's rich, coming from the woman who coined the phrase "buddies with benefits."

0:24:010:24:06

I thought we had an arrangement?

0:24:060:24:08

Yeah, well, it's all starting to feel a bit...immature.

0:24:080:24:12

-A bit late to start moving the goal posts.

-Never too old to change.

0:24:120:24:17

Have you swallowed a biological clock, or something?

0:24:170:24:20

-Now you're just being offensive.

-I am not. I'm just winding you up, you know I am.

0:24:200:24:25

Look, feminist with a sense of humour.

0:24:250:24:28

That's what's great about you.

0:24:280:24:30

Listen...

0:24:340:24:35

Bobby...

0:24:350:24:36

Are you falling for me?

0:24:420:24:43

I like spending time with you. Even when we're not having sex.

0:24:460:24:51

Is there something wrong with that?

0:24:510:24:53

No. It's cool.

0:24:550:24:58

It's just, I don't see you as... you know...

0:25:010:25:04

Girlfriend material.

0:25:050:25:07

Thanks a bunch.

0:25:080:25:10

I see you as a mate.

0:25:100:25:11

-With a great pair of...

-Do you want to stop?

0:25:120:25:15

We have fun. Why ruin it?

0:25:150:25:17

Because it doesn't feel fun any more.

0:25:170:25:19

In fact, it feels sordid.

0:25:210:25:23

I'm sorry.

0:25:230:25:24

I really am.

0:25:250:25:27

But if you're looking for something more...substantial,

0:25:300:25:32

-you've got the wrong bloke.

-Don't go. I...

0:25:320:25:34

Freya. It's not going to work.

0:25:340:25:36

You're just...

0:25:380:25:39

What?

0:25:410:25:42

What?

0:25:440:25:46

Lonely.

0:25:470:25:48

PHONE RINGS

0:25:500:25:52

Yo. Hang on a sec.

0:25:540:25:56

We've had a laugh, hey?

0:25:590:26:00

Take care of yourself.

0:26:070:26:08

Yeah, mate, Fat Badger.

0:26:120:26:14

Early doors. Mine's a pint.

0:26:140:26:16

All right, boys. Pub?

0:26:200:26:22

-Pub.

-Ah, no, I need to find an estate agent.

0:26:220:26:24

Sorted, you've got a buyer.

0:26:240:26:26

Didn't think you were serious.

0:26:260:26:28

Listen. I need to upsize. I've got a cash deposit and no chain.

0:26:280:26:31

-Zara?

-I'll make it a surprise. She can do without the hassle.

0:26:310:26:35

-Trust me.

-Despite all outward appearances,

0:26:350:26:38

you make a fine team.

0:26:380:26:40

Thanks.

0:26:400:26:42

-THEY LAUGH

-I could have done with you in Basra.

0:26:430:26:46

THEY CHEER

0:26:500:26:54

-ALL:

-Champions, champions, champions!

0:26:540:26:56

Cowards! I'll slit your throats!

0:27:030:27:07

What's going on, Jimmi?

0:27:070:27:08

OK. I've got some bad news and some good news.

0:27:080:27:11

What?

0:27:110:27:12

You've been married before, Heston?

0:27:120:27:15

-Yes.

-And what went wrong with that?

0:27:150:27:16

-Ian!

-It's a valid question. Was it his fault or hers?

0:27:160:27:20

So far, this conman seems to be targeting older men

0:27:200:27:22

-living on their own.

-I'll be careful.

0:27:220:27:25

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:370:27:40

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:400:27:44

When Kevin's car is damaged by three obnoxious options traders, war is declared at a paintball arena.

Heston takes his relationship with Marina a step further, while Freya decides to put hers to the test.


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