Boyz in da Wood Doctors

'Take the second exit from the roundabout.'

We haven't passed a roundabout for ten miles!

Women navigators(!)

I don't know what was wrong with paintballing in Letherbridge.

Urban arenas are for girls. This is extreme paintball.

Separates the men from the boys.

-Yeah, but we didn't have time for breakfast.

-And I need a leak.

Can I help it if everything I touch turns to gold?

Just call me King Canute.

King Midas.

King Canute tried to hold back the sea.

Yeah, well, he can probably do that as well.

-Are you going to tell us why we're here?

-Yeah, and where's Tim?

Tim is no longer on the team. So there's a vacancy.

Think of this as a... sort of a job interview.

Like the Apprentice?

Yeah. And one of you will impress me today.

Right, better go for a waz.

Ooh. Watch it, mate.

Sorry. Didn't see you down there.

Right, either of you got experience?

No. Something tells me you do.

Captain of the Spartans. University Scenario Team of the year, 2006.

I can't decide whether to have sausage and bacon or double sausage.

We need to talk tactics.

Or both.

It's a bunch of boys running around with toy guns.

That's where you're wrong. It's a game of strategy. And the core skills

you'll need in the forest are angles, communication. A, C, T.

-Hash browns.

-Mmm.

Right. Rule number one. Stick to the perimeter.

That way, the enemy can only come at you in one direction.

Hello. Hugo. What, you're kidding?

I thought you said they were going to put in an offer.

RADIO ALARM

No, hang on.

I have got...to get to work.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, so there's no viewing lined up. What about the couple with the dog?

Oh, for... Oh, that's brilliant, that is.

-Oh, could be worse.

-Yeah, it's paintwork, mainly.

What do you reckon? £500 worth of damage each?

-It's not worth losing our no claims over.

-Too right.

-You happy to settle without going through the insurance?

-Yeah, definitely.

If you want to send me a cheque

if you haven't got cash?

It was your fault!

I don't think so. I've got witnesses.

He left his car in gear.

Kangaroo hopped into the back of you.

Yeah.

-You reversed into us!

-You're lying!

Why don't you put it through your insurance? Let them decide.

You kidding me? It's his word against mine.

-The insurers side with the one who's been tailgated.

-Shame.

-Six years, no claims up in smoke.

-Here's my card. In case you come to your senses,

decide to settle in cash. Come on.

It's not often a dashing man makes me breakfast and walks me to work.

It's not every day a beautiful woman spends the night in my company.

You're so charming.

I'm really going to miss you when you go away.

Well, on the subj...

If not your tea. I could murder a cup of builders.

Welcome.

Captain "Cap" Harker.

Chief Marshall and your referee for today.

This is not a game. It is not recreation.

It is a team building exercise.

Within the confines of this arena, there is one law.

Harker's law.

65 acres of woodland. 14 fields of play,

including Hamburger Hill, Fort Ranger,

The Village, Snake Field, and Bridge Attack.

Form a line please, gentleman.

This is not a Girl Scouts jamboree!

Today's theme is team. In combat, your unit is your family.

OK, everybody out. Move it! Move it!

Move! Move!

Two teams. Red and blue.

-You are blue.

-I like to be red.

Shush!

We'll make our way to start camp where you will be issued with

a map, a compass and a first aid kit.

Your mission -

which you have already chosen to accept - is to find your way back to base.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

You have two lives each.

Loss of life incurs a half-hour time penalty.

Well, she'd started asking questions. I had to speak her.

I disagree. It was up to me to break the news to her

and I didn't know you needed a written warning.

The first team across the line wins.

Yes, I can count how many bedrooms we have.

You can forget your smartphones and your sat nav aps

and your GPS trackers,

because any second now, we're going out of range.

Of course she won't be expected to share with Izzie.

That's something Zara and I need to talk... Hello?

DID YOU GET ALL THAT?

Sir! Yes, Sir!

That... That's disgusting.

What you doing?

What? It's camouflage and it's all around you. So use it.

Have you chosen a team leader?

-I'm here, aren't I?

-There you go.

-Oi!

I'm just...

Assuming? Nothing changed there, Danny boy.

One, I'm the only one that knows about paintball.

Two, today was for my benefit.

And three, if you'd shown any leadership qualities at all,

we wouldn't be here.

Fine by me.

God help you.

Oh! The enemy has landed.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I am so sorry, Mrs T. Tembe. Um...

My alarm didn't go off. And I...IT'S normally so reliable.

Your lie-in obviously did you the world of good.

-You're positively glowing.

-That's as maybe.

But your minor surgery with Doctor Carter is in half an hour

and I hope you were not expecting him to prepare the equipment himself.

-No. Right.

-Dirty dog.

I have no idea what she means.

Call this a competition? We were expecting a real team.

-We can take you.

-Ooh. We're really scared.

-You and who's army?

-Oh, break it up, ladies.

-If you've got issues - fight them out in the arena.

-All right.

A little wager, settle this matter once and for all.

Whoever's on the losing team pays for both cars. All right?

HE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

All right. All right. Fine. We'll see them off.

Good. Now put down your handbags and pick up your weapons.

Oh, no, thanks. We've got our own.

See you in battle.

-Be funny if we changed it.

-Funny in what way?

Oi! Ollie! This way!

We'll give them a surprise.

Be on the lookout for any possible ambush sites.

Any bunkers, any thick patches of undergrowth by the trail.

Her exact words were,

"Does the world need another one of your heartbroken,

"neglected offspring?"

That's harsh.

Down! Down! Down!

Now she's saying is, Zara's house is too small.

Shhh!

Ignore it. She's just angry you're moving on.

OK, move out.

Heaven forbid that Izzie would have to share a room with the baby. Oh!

Hang on, does anyone recognise that tree?

They all look the same to me. Does that make me a treeist?

-No, we've been here before. Hang on.

-It's this way.

It does, er, look a little familiar.

-Are you sure we're not going round in circles?

-Yes.

I say we vote.

This isn't a democracy. This is a team.

And I'm the leader.

So you do what I say.

-We're sticking to the map.

-Zip it!

Well, I definitely recognise this.

-We're going round in circles.

-Bunker. On guard.

This was supposed to be fun. Not a yomp in the woods with Pol Pot Jr.

BATTLE CRIES

Three lives lost within the hour. Congratulations. A record.

I'll make sure your names are added to the roll of dishonour.

You still have time to catch 'em if you put your mind to it.

Oh, by the way, they are all experienced long distance runners.

HE LAUGHS

What a bunch of twonks.

That was too easy.

How did you know to stake out that bunker?

I, er, switched the marker.

What did you do that for?

-Because we want to win.

-By cheating?

Grow some balls.

Oliver, if you want to be on my team, you better wise up to the fact

that I don't care how we win.

Just if.

Keep up, will you?!

What's the point? They've got half an hour head start.

I could be home in time to register with another estate agent.

Tempted to join you. It'll get Lisa off my back.

We're not giving up.

Why? It's not like we can win.

Because I'm not a quitter.

We're here because you're a quitter.

The only reason I quit is because of your total lack of mentoring skills.

Guys, hang on. Look.

Well, who had the map last?

I think you did.

No, I didn't.

It was tied to your rucksack.

If we follow the perimeter markers, we'll still make base camp first.

If no-one's tampered with them, of course.

Who died and made you my conscience?

You're starting to remind me of Tim.

He was a real pain in the backside as well!

ARGH!

DISTANT PAINED HOWLING

What was that?

This changes everything.

They can still follow the arrows.

Exactly. Which means I've got a plan.

Look, hear me out.

Are you OK?

Aargh! Does it look like...? Aargh! Ribs!

We need to get help.

Now would be good. Can't...breathe.

Let's go.

Not in the same direction, you pillock.

Flag's up. Game on. We've got two options.

Make a dash down the middle or skirt the perimeter

and risk running into them.

-What do you reckon?

-Your call.

-You got us this far.

-OK. I reckon our best chance is to...

-Wow, wow, wow!

-Don't shoot! I need help. My mate's hurt.

Hang on, hear him out.

-It's a ruse. Classic.

-No, it's the truth.

-Where's his gun?

What happened?

He fell on a rock. He's in agony. He can't breathe.

-Could be a pneumothorax. We're doctors.

-He knows that!

-How?

-I don't know.

It's some coincidence him coming with a medical emergency just when we're on our way to the finish!

-Scout's honour.

-I believe him.

And if you're wrong, it's going to cost me a grand, so I reckon we shoot him,

-we tie him up, and we head for the finish.

-Yeah, and if YOU'RE wrong,

you're prepared to take that risk?

Dr Wilson.

Sorry.

Remember the sterile technique.

-Yep.

-And you must get the whole capsule so there's no reoccurrence.

How are things going with Marina?

Perfect. With one flaw. She has no palate.

She's a gastronomic desert.

Try and get it all out in one go,

give yourself enough access.

Is that enough?

That's very good. Very good. Now, nice and steady.

Nice and steady. It's too late for that.

You're never too old to change.

Take fish fingers, for example.

Kids love 'em, and so do we.

There comes a point in life where you think...

I don't know, what about sea bass?

Every one raves about it...

so you think, "Yeah, OK,

"I'll try it.

"I'll step out of the box."

And you try it...

and you like it...

and suddenly, those fish fingers seem kind of bland by comparison.

I'm sorry. That made no sense whatsoever.

No, on the contrary, Dr Wilson. Wise words.

Wise words, indeed.

Oh, no, give me a hand.

Great(!)

I ask you to get help - you bring the three stooges.

They're doctors.

He's tachycardic. OK...

HE CRIES OUT

Fractured ribs.

HE GROANS

Hyper resonant to percussion.

Trachea's deviated.

In English, please!

You've got a tension pneumothorax.

One of your ribs has damaged your lung so the pressure's building in your chest, stopping you breathing.

-Agh!

-Is it serious?

-Can you do anything?

-We can make a hole in the wall of the chest to decompress the air.

What...here?

You must be joking... Are you sure they're doctors?

We're GPs, mate.

Oh...thanks.

I'll pass...wait for the real thing.

That is not a good idea.

You are NOT touching me, you bunch of muppets!

-OK, he's going to go off at any minute

-Meaning?

-Meaning,

the compression of the mediastinum is compromising your cardiac output, leading to circulatory collapse,

which means you're slowly suffocating to death.

So, you could wait for a "real" doctor, but it's touch and go whether you'll live that long.

It's your choice, "mate".

I know it's only early days in our relationship,

but I just can't bear the thought of that time apart.

So what do you say?

Oh, Heston, I'd love to.

'It sounds divine.'

Yes! Fantastic!

Local ingredients in my masterful hands

will rid you of your desire for bland British cuisine.

I'm warning you, Heston. Don't try and change me, OK?

Besides, I've got other plans for your masterful hands.

SHE CHUCKLES

I can't wait to find out what they are.

OK, dispatch your passport details post haste and I will book the flights!

Ciao, Bella.

Try not to touch his chest.

Antiseptic wipes to clean the site...

catheter, knife. We can't stitch the wound so we'll have to tape it.

-I need you to assist me.

-What about Jimmi?

-He's got an open wound. We can't risk it.

You want me to inset a chest drain in the middle of a woods?

-I have every faith in you.

-NOW you have faith in me, when it suits you?

Kevin, I never doubted your skills as a doctor.

If you don't know that,

then I'll take the wrap, because it was my job, as your mentor, to let you know.

A pat on the back wouldn't have gone amiss.

-Well, you better believe it because we need to do this.

-OK.

-Are you all set?

-Yeah, I'm not sure.

-Don't be stupid.

I'm hardly the guy you want next to you in a crisis. What if something goes wrong?

What will go wrong?

Well, let's see.

Haemorrhage, re-expansion, pulmonary oedema, drain blockage,

cardiac tamponade, not to mention infection.

Top marks for bedside manner - very reassuring.

He's tachycardic and he looks hypoxic. We haven't got long.

RINGING TONE

'Hey.'

Hey.

-'You called.'

-Yeah, couldn't find the, er, TV presser. I found it now.

Make yourself at home(!)

'Is that a problem?'

No, be my guest.

I will be home in about an hour.

Shall I get some food?

Not curry. I've got a ring of fire after last night.

Very sexy.

I'll see you later.

Tarra.

The mid clavicular line is located midway between the midsternal and the axillary lines.

I've gone blank.

-Oh...great(!)

-Palpate downwards until you feel the third rib.

The second intercostal space is directly above.

OK, got it. Hold his shoulders.

You know, I would, mate.

-You would what?

-I, I would want you next to me in a crisis.

In fact, I've been meaning to do this for ages -

will you do me the honour of being my best man?

-I don't know what to say!

-Excuse me!

Do you mind concentrating on the job in hand?

I'd be proud to.

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

Screw this up, I'll sue you for every penny you've got.

HE CRIES OUT

LOUD SCREAM

You all right? All right?

That's it. Steady, steady...

Guys, it hasn't worked.

-He's losing consciousness, guys.

-Give it to me. Give it to me.

OK...

HE INHALES SHARPLY

He's pinking up. He's less tachycardic.

-You did it!

-WE did it.

So can you improvise a stretcher, please?

Camouflage netting?

Yeah, come on, I'll give you a hand.

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm buzzing.

-The reason why I became a doctor.

-I never doubted you.

-You said that with a straight face.

-I never doubted you as a physician.

-You just thought I was a murderer.

-Kevin...

-No. No. My girlfriend gets brutally murdered,

no sympathy.

I get banged up as the perpetrator.

My mum... My mum has bricks thrown through her window.

Sorry, mate, I didn't know.

-Yeah, well, no worries, I'll be out of your hair anytime soon.

-Oh, get over yourself.

Why do you think Julia went to all the bother of organising this charade?

-You tell me?

-I don't have to. You just showed me.

You are not going anywhere. When we get back, you'll tell Julia you're staying.

Why? Because you say so?

Yes. Because I need to become a better mentor, all right?

NOW one of you is a murderer. It gets better and better(!)

Don't worry. He only murders people he doesn't like.

Hey, watch where you're going. Precious cargo.

Need any dirty jokes for your best man's speech?

No, he doesn't!

That's if I ever get to the altar.

Three, two, one, down. Have some rest.

Mate, the wedding's February. Don't say you've got cold feet already?

Cherry will go ballistic when she finds out the house has fallen through.

She might call the whole thing off.

Do you guys ever shut up?

It's like Dear Deidre.

That, or I've died and woken up in the middle of a bad soap opera.

Why don't you sell it to Daniel? He needs to upsize and it'll get that Lisa off his back.

That's a surprisingly good idea. Coming from you.

Three, two, one,

lift.

-Hey! There's an ambulance on the way to Base Camp.

-Good.

-What was that!?

-They're about to cross the finish.

I've a grand riding on this.

They saved your life.

They were doing their job! Now, I'm doing mine,

which is, turning every opportunity into a profit...

Aghhh! What... What did you do that for?!

-Because you're a tit.

-We can still win.

Last chance, Oliver. Shoot him.

Go on, impress me.

I like your style... If, if only you were more of a team player.

I don't want to be on your team.

Shoot me.

Go on!

Else we'll win.

Thanks.

MAN GROANS

-Hiya.

-Hey.

I'll just put these in the kitchen, shall I?

'Fish and chips do you?

'Erm, I got some sea bass. I just fancied a change.

Ah, change of plan. Gavin rang. I'm off down the Fat Badger.

What's the problem?

Nothing.

Well, I just bought food. So... Shove up.

Well, the least you could do is eat it.

Chill, babe. You're starting to sound like a girlfriend.

I just thought it might be nice to spend some time together while were not...

you know.

Now you definitely sound like a girlfriend.

Would that be such a bad thing?

I'm not just some sex toy, you know?

Well, that's rich, coming from the woman who coined the phrase "buddies with benefits."

I thought we had an arrangement?

Yeah, well, it's all starting to feel a bit...immature.

-A bit late to start moving the goal posts.

-Never too old to change.

Have you swallowed a biological clock, or something?

-Now you're just being offensive.

-I am not. I'm just winding you up, you know I am.

Look, feminist with a sense of humour.

That's what's great about you.

Listen...

Bobby...

Are you falling for me?

I like spending time with you. Even when we're not having sex.

Is there something wrong with that?

No. It's cool.

It's just, I don't see you as... you know...

Girlfriend material.

Thanks a bunch.

I see you as a mate.

-With a great pair of...

-Do you want to stop?

We have fun. Why ruin it?

Because it doesn't feel fun any more.

In fact, it feels sordid.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

But if you're looking for something more...substantial,

-you've got the wrong bloke.

-Don't go. I...

Freya. It's not going to work.

You're just...

What?

What?

Lonely.

PHONE RINGS

Yo. Hang on a sec.

We've had a laugh, hey?

Take care of yourself.

Yeah, mate, Fat Badger.

Early doors. Mine's a pint.

All right, boys. Pub?

-Pub.

-Ah, no, I need to find an estate agent.

Sorted, you've got a buyer.

Didn't think you were serious.

Listen. I need to upsize. I've got a cash deposit and no chain.

-Zara?

-I'll make it a surprise. She can do without the hassle.

-Trust me.

-Despite all outward appearances,

you make a fine team.

Thanks.

-THEY LAUGH

-I could have done with you in Basra.

THEY CHEER

-ALL:

-Champions, champions, champions!

Cowards! I'll slit your throats!

What's going on, Jimmi?

OK. I've got some bad news and some good news.

What?

You've been married before, Heston?

-Yes.

-And what went wrong with that?

-Ian!

-It's a valid question. Was it his fault or hers?

So far, this conman seems to be targeting older men

-living on their own.

-I'll be careful.

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