By Hook or by Crook Doctors


By Hook or by Crook

Medical drama. Patient Anna has found a surprising solution to her grumpy husband's constant knee pain, but in order for it to work she needs Elaine's help.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Remember the tree that crushed the car in the storm last week?

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-It's round the corner in, er, McCarthy Street?

-Oh, yes.

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Apparently the council were told about it weeks beforehand,

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and they knew it was dangerous but they did nothing!

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-Really?

-Yeah. Somebody should be sacked over it.

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This is as hard as iron.

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But they won't, of course. It'll just be papered over.

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And goodness knows what rubbish they put into this stuff.

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It's grey before they dye it, you know.

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What's this?

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-Oh, it's the analysis of the pills.

-What?!

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You don't listen to anything I say, do you?

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The pills you got off the web. I sent them to a pill testing site.

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-Why did you do that?

-Because I want to take it to the doctor's.

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I want to know if there's anything in it that I shouldn't be taking long-term.

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-And I want to know how it works.

-Oh.

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Weren't you going to harvest your parsnips this morning?

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Ah, well, I'll get going on that now.

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# Ooooh! Ah-oooh! #

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Morning.

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LIQUID SPLASHES

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I'm just popping out to get some flour.

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I'd forgotten it was my turn to bake a cake for the book club.

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-I need the car for the doctor's.

-I know. I'll walk.

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ENGINE FAILS TO START

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello?

-Elaine? It's Oliver.

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-Oliver?

-How are you?

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-Er, I'm good.

-Good.

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I was wondering why you hadn't made your regular appointments since you've been back.

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Actually, I managed to, er, stay off the sleeping pills while I was on holiday.

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-Well, that's great. Well done.

-Yeah, yeah, I'm feeling great.

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While I was away, I had some time to think, and, er,

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I actually think being in therapy is not right for me at the moment.

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Right.

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You weren't in a very good place last time I saw you.

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I'm really on top of things. I mean, I had a great holiday. I'm calm, relaxed. I just...

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I just want to take each day as it comes.

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I'd like to talk to you some more about that.

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But it's up to you.

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Look, Elaine, you can make an appointment anytime, hm?

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I'll always make room for you.

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Or if you...if you just need to talk, then just call me, OK?

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OK, thanks, Oliver.

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-Take care.

-Bye.

-Yep.

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ENGINE FAILS TO START Aargh!

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Oh, thank you.

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Oh, no.

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Is there something amiss, Dr Granger?

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-No.

-Morning, all.

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-I know!

-You look jittery.

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No, I'm good. Ready to take on the world!

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-Or at least my patients.

-If you're so tickety-boo, how about you taking one of mine?

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-Yeah, who?

-Bob Fielding. He's a moaner. I've got more than enough grumpy old men on my hands already.

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-I know how you feel.

-Try and get him to talk about his gardening -

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the only thing that seems to stop him complaining.

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-Ah, good morning.

-Good morning.

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My husband's got an appointment at 11, and I was wondering

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-if I could have a word with the doctor who's seeing him?

-What is your husband's name?

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Bob Fielding.

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-I'm seeing him. If you'd like to come through, Mrs Fielding.

-Thanks.

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You bought these pills off the internet?

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-Yes, but...

-They could be dangerous. You don't know what's in them.

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I know. That's why I threw them out.

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I only wanted the packaging.

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I replaced the pills with multivitamins.

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-Why?

-I wanted to induce a placebo effect, to help Bob with his knee pain,

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-and it's worked!

-Really?

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When I was working in Africa in the '80s,

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we nurses used to hand out sugar pills all the time.

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They worked wonders! They were all placebo, but it was better than doing nothing.

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So it was just multivitamins you gave him?

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It's the first time he's been without pain for over six months.

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He's been out in the garden, kneeling,

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moving about as if he didn't need the operation.

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So why are you here?

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Are you prepared for the choir rehearsal today?

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-Is there something that I was supposed to do?

-Did you check over the lyrics yet?

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Oh, I love Three Kings!

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It is one of my favourites, too.

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# We three kings of Leicester Square

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# Selling ladies' underwear

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# So fantastic, no elastic Only tuppence a pair! #

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SHE LAUGHS

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I'm sorry. I can't go along with it. It would be unethical.

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They're just vitamins. You can see that from the lab report yourself.

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What about the deception?

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I know it's not ideal, but I had no choice.

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Bob's not the most even-tempered of men at the best of times.

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With this knee pain, he's unbearable.

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I can prescribe painkillers.

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But that's not a good long-term solution.

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The pain is constant. It forced him to sell his business,

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and then he couldn't even get out into his vegetable patch.

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He takes his frustrations out on me and I had to get him out of the house somehow.

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My heart can't take it. He was triggering my palpitations.

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I've got atrial fibrillation.

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Are you on medication?

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Yes, but I can't cope with this. It's very stressful cooped up

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in the house together all day. Whoever invented retirement?!

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It's a big adjustment.

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And these pills are helping us get through it.

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If you were to endorse these pills,

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Bob would go on believing in them and they'd carry on working.

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No more arthritis for him and a lot less stress on me.

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Please.

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-Mr Fielding?

-Ah.

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Er, how are you this morning?

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-Well, actually, I'm fine. I just wanted to...

-Good.

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If you'd like to come through, please.

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-Oh, right.

-Thank you.

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-So, what do you make of it?

-Well, there's nothing in them that's harmful.

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Good. So why do you think that they're working?

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Oh, it's hard to say.

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Oh, come on. You're the doctor - take a punt.

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Well, often it's about the combination of ingredients.

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There are substances in them that may be having an anti-inflammatory effect

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on your knee, minerals, doser extender agents.

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The important thing is they're working. They ARE working, aren't they?

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-Oh, like magic.

-Good.

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So, they're OK to take long-term?

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Perfectly, but I won't take you off the waiting list quite yet.

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Oh, no, no. I wouldn't do that.

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Hey, you should take down the name of these pills.

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Go on. Help some other poor sod on the NHS.

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-Thank you.

-You doctors don't like it

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when we patients come up with the solution, do you?

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Not at all. Anything else I can help you with?

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No, thanks! See? No creaks, no twinges, amazing.

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-Good for you.

-Thank you.

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Ah, there you are. Now we can get going.

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-Sorry.

-I thought that we'd start with Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.

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Er, Santa..?! What a lot of materialistic nonsense.

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We are singing in a hospital, not a department store.

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-It will go down very well on the children's ward.

-# You better watch out

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# You better not cry

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# You better not pout

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# Oh, I'm telling you why

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# Santa Claus is coming to town. #

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-Fine afternoon, eh, Graham?

-Oh, yes.

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-Oh!

-Oh, are you having trouble with your back again?

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Oh, no. It's just my arthritis playing up.

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-Oh. I've been taking some great pills for my knees.

-Oh, really?

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Yeah. No pain for a month now.

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Do you think they'd be good for my back?

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Hey, hang on.

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What were you two plotting?

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Oh, I saw him struggling to get up from his patch.

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I thought he ought to try some of these.

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-He's going to order some himself off the web.

-What?!

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Here. Here, show this to your doctor.

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Now, I got it from a website for young ravers who want to know

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what's in their party drugs.

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-As if they didn't know that ecstasy was bad for them!

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

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In my day, we just had to worry about mixing our drinks.

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Now I have to worry about mixing my medications.

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You'll be all right. Dr Cassidy said I could take them indefinitely.

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-Oh.

-In fact, I'm going to write a little piece for the allotment newsletter, spread the word.

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-Why not?

-Yeah, listen, you haven't got the name down there, though, have you?

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# We wish you a merry Christmas

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-OUT OF TUNE:

-# And a happy New Year. #

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Sorry. Sorry.

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Well, our voices just don't match at all. There's something missing.

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Why don't I take us through some throat exercises?

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Loosen up the vocal cords, see if we can get a better tone?

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No, I'm happy to quit. I told you all I was tone deaf.

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No, no. I-I-It's not a question of the quality. It's more...

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It's the range.

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Everyone's vocal cords could do with a little training to reach their full potential.

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This was supposed to be a bit of fun,

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not a professional performance. I've got a million other things to do.

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-KNOCKING

-Oh, come in.

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Sorry, I just need to get something.

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-Well, of course, er, it's your office after all.

-How's it going?

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Well, erm, I think we need some more voices -

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male voices.

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-Oh, Jimmi's got a lovely voice.

-Oh, really? Bass or baritone?

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Er, he's far too busy with the move next week and the wedding.

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-I don't think that it's...

-But there is no harm in asking.

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No, there isn't.

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Hm-hm! What happened here?

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Is Graham really going to order those pills off the web?

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-Yeah, that's the plan.

-SHE SIGHS

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What's wrong?

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You shouldn't be recommending things willy-nilly.

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They might have a different reaction on him,

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-or he might be allergic to something in them...

-"Willy-nilly"? Oh, do stop fussing.

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Anyway, he's taking the lab report to his doctor's this afternoon.

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He's taking it to his doctor?

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-That's what I said.

-Which doctor?

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-Well, I don't know.

-What surgery, then?

-T-T-The Mill!

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What is wrong with you today?

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So keep practising those high notes, Freya!

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And we're rehearsing the same time tomorrow afternoon. Don't be late.

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It would be wonderful if Dr Clay could join us.

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I'll ask him.

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Well, I have a very good relationship with him. I'm sure if I were to ask...

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I can handle it, thank you.

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Graham!

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# Jingle bells, jingle bells

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# Jingle all the way

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# Oh, what fun it is to ride

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TOGETHER: # In a one horse open sleigh, hey! #

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What a lovely voice you've got! Do you sing?

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Yeah, I do.

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It's just that your voice sounds trained.

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-Does it?

-Mm. Oh, I'd love to hear you sing.

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Well, the opportunity might present itself one day.

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Maybe it already has. Why don't you join our choir?

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-Er...

-No, no! You don't have to answer straight away. I don't want to push you into anything.

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I'm here all afternoon - give you time to decide.

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Thanks.

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Oh, good afternoon, Dr Clay.

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-Afternoon, Mrs Tembe. Am I busy?

-Ah, nothing you cannot handle.

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Mm. Thank you.

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And, er, what plans do you have for Christmas, Dr Clay?

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I was hoping for a quiet one.

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The move will be over by Tuesday, so it will be time to relax in our new house.

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Oh, so you might be able to find the time to...

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-to help the less fortunate on Wednesday?

-Er...

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Christmas is such a lonely time to be in hospital.

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The patients love to have carols sung to them.

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It makes them feel part of the celebration,

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-even if they cannot be at home, like the rest of us.

-The choir.

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Oh, it would be wonderful to have you on board,

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and you're so good with the children.

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PHONE RINGS I...I'll think about it.

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Good afternoon. The Mill Health Centre.

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So...

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..which doctor did your friend say he saw this morning?

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Oh, I can't remember the name, but it was a woman.

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Doctor Cassidy?

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Yes, that's the one.

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Is there a problem? I mean, er, is there anything dangerous in them?

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Let me just see if I can find their webpage. Excuse me.

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MRS TEMBE CLEARS HER THROAT

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Just checking if Jimmi's free.

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Er, you know a...a deeper voice always anchors the choir.

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I'm a tenor.

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Patients also appreciate a male presence.

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So often charity is left to the womenfolk.

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Look, a talent like yours should be shared.

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A beautiful voice is the purest, simplest gift you can give to others at Christmas.

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Well, he's a doctor, isn't he? He's always giving to others.

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I mean, the pleasure of singing is so life-affirming and enriching, isn't it?

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Especially for our audience. Those poor, sick people,

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stranded on a hospital ward for the entire festive season.

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Would you stop trying to emotionally blackmail the poor man?

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-Better than shameless flattery!

-I haven't...

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Ladies, ladies, please! Enough! The, er, "poor man's" got paperwork to do.

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I'll come back at a better time, yeah?

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(I'm sorry.)

0:17:340:17:35

He was saying these pills are a cure for arthritis.

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Apparently his neighbour came with this analysis this morning,

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-but as far as I can tell they're just multivitamins.

-They are.

-So why did you endorse them?

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-Because it works.

-You what?

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I have a patient who's on a waiting list for a knee replacement. He was in a lot of pain.

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His wife, who's an ex-nurse, bought some pills called Joint Magic

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-and replaced them with multivitamins in order to produce a placebo effect.

-And it worked?

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Yeah. And as he's still on a six-month wait for the operation

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-I decided to leave well alone.

-But what did you tell him?

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Well, I didn't lie. I just told him what he wanted.

0:18:200:18:24

But that's completely unethical!

0:18:240:18:26

Is it? It does no harm.

0:18:260:18:29

Some old-school doctors still prescribe antibiotics for viral colds

0:18:290:18:34

even though it's proven it doesn't work.

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Why? Because patients demand them

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-and it produces a placebo effect.

-But they're contributing to antibiotic resistance.

0:18:390:18:44

Exactly. They might as well be handing out...sugar pills.

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But is that really treatment?

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Well, it is if it works.

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I mean, from recent studies it looks like even homeopathy is largely placebo.

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Homeopaths believe in their remedies.

0:18:560:18:58

What about the trust between doctor and patient? Aren't you undermining that?

0:18:580:19:02

It's not something I'd initiate,

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but, as it was presented as a fait accompli by his wife, I decided to leave well alone.

0:19:040:19:08

-My patient's going to order the real pills, and we've got no idea what's in them.

-What did you tell him?

0:19:080:19:14

Well, I exercised caution, told him I'd get back to him. He's on other medication.

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-Right...

-Your patient's just taking multivitamins, but how many people has he told about these magic pills?

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Not everybody's conscientious enough to check with their doctor first,

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especially if someone else's doctor has endorsed them already.

0:19:290:19:32

-I'd better go see him.

-I'll come with you.

-Why?

0:19:320:19:35

-I need to speak to the neighbour.

-Good, you can give me a lift.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

0:19:420:19:44

Hey.

0:19:440:19:46

Oh, it's you.

0:19:460:19:47

-Why, who were you expecting?

-Marina or Mrs Tembe.

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-Really?

-They keep getting me to try and join the choir.

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Ah.

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I've got Mrs Tembe making me feel guilty about the sick,

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-and Marina thinks I'm Bryn Terfel!

-I think that's my fault actually.

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Well, I just told them that you had a lovely voice.

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-Oh, thanks!

-If you don't want to be in the choir, tell 'em.

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-It's for charity, I'm running out of excuses.

-You like singing.

0:20:100:20:13

-I don't want to get roped into this. How did you get out of it?

-I said I was tied up with this PCT change.

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-Ooh, can I do that?

-Sure.

-Thank you.

0:20:180:20:22

Good. Well, there's a meeting in my office tomorrow at six o'clock. I'll send you the worksheet.

0:20:220:20:27

I'm sorry, Anna, I can't let this snowball.

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He's in his greenhouse. Just...follow the path.

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Are you sure you don't want me to come?

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No, I'll handle it.

0:20:490:20:51

He's not good at...facing things like this.

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He'll be all right with me.

0:20:550:20:58

What are you doing here?

0:21:120:21:14

No, you did the right thing bringing them in.

0:21:140:21:17

Anna?! Anna!

0:21:170:21:20

Anna!

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What did you think you were doing, trying to trick me like that?

0:21:260:21:30

What sort of an idiot do you think I am?

0:21:300:21:33

You're taking this too seriously. It worked! That's what matters.

0:21:330:21:37

No, what matters is that I was not consulted!

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That's how it has to be, how a placebo works!

0:21:410:21:46

Well, going behind me back to the doctors like that,

0:21:460:21:49

I mean, what gives you the right?

0:21:490:21:51

-How many other people have you told what a gullible old fool I am?

-I haven't told anyone.

0:21:510:21:57

And here's me showing off to Graham about my magic pills.

0:21:570:22:01

Now I've got to tell him it was a hoax dreamt up by my wife and doctor.

0:22:010:22:04

Your wife was only trying to help, don't feel this was a conspiracy!

0:22:040:22:08

And as for you, I'll have you struck off!

0:22:080:22:10

You're a disgrace to your profession, you're nothing but a...a charlatan!

0:22:100:22:14

And I thought I could trust you.

0:22:140:22:17

Anna?

0:22:190:22:20

Anna! Anna!

0:22:200:22:23

Hello, can you hear me?

0:22:260:22:27

Anna?

0:22:270:22:29

No pulse. Ambulance!

0:22:350:22:37

Anna?

0:22:370:22:38

Elaine!

0:22:430:22:45

Yes, ambulance, please.

0:22:500:22:53

'It's going to be so much fun!

0:22:560:22:59

'You'll see.'

0:22:590:23:00

Um...

0:23:000:23:01

I knew you'd catch the Christmas spirit eventually!

0:23:010:23:04

We'll rehearse again at lunchtime and then again...

0:23:040:23:07

Er, I can't.

0:23:070:23:08

-We can change the schedule.

-No, I just don't have the time.

0:23:080:23:11

Julia's got me roped in to help with these PCT changes,

0:23:110:23:13

so, you know, with all my other responsibilities means

0:23:130:23:17

I...I just have to say no.

0:23:170:23:18

NHS changes ruining everything, yet again!

0:23:180:23:22

Yeah, I know, but helping Julia and the partners with these changes is really important.

0:23:220:23:26

So maybe next year?

0:23:260:23:28

-I'll hold you to that.

-I bet you will.

0:23:280:23:30

-I'd like to make a donation though.

-Oh.

-Mrs Tembe, you'd probably know where this should be best directed.

0:23:300:23:35

I do, indeed.

0:23:350:23:37

We're really going to need more voices otherwise this little singing

0:23:390:23:42

venture is going to fall flat on its face.

0:23:420:23:44

I was thinking, maybe I could encourage my congregation to join us?

0:23:440:23:49

But we're supposed to be representing The Mill.

0:23:490:23:52

At least they can sing in tune!

0:23:520:23:55

At this rate, it is just going to be you and me.

0:23:550:23:58

Do you think they'll do it?

0:23:580:23:59

I anticipate my emotional blackmail

0:24:020:24:05

will have more success with churchgoers.

0:24:050:24:07

I have every confidence in you.

0:24:080:24:10

Well, the consultant said she'd be all right, but how can that be,

0:24:180:24:22

she's had a heart attack?

0:24:220:24:23

It's lucky we were there. A fast response is critical,

0:24:230:24:26

she received her treatment quickly.

0:24:260:24:29

He told me about this...AF.

0:24:290:24:32

You didn't know?

0:24:320:24:34

She never said a word.

0:24:340:24:36

Sometimes people in the medical profession don't like

0:24:360:24:41

to admit their weaknesses.

0:24:410:24:42

Well, I wouldn't have shouted at her like that if I'd have known.

0:24:420:24:47

You've got a second chance here, Bob.

0:24:470:24:49

Anna told me how your complaining all the time increased her

0:24:490:24:53

stress levels - that's why she was so keen to keep the placebo working.

0:24:530:24:59

Now you know about her heart, you've got a chance to change

0:24:590:25:03

your behaviour, consider how it affects Anna.

0:25:030:25:07

SHE GROANS

0:25:180:25:19

Would you believe it?

0:25:210:25:22

Come to The Mill tomorrow, I'll sort you out with some painkillers.

0:25:220:25:26

I'll do that, Doctor, thank you.

0:25:260:25:28

I'm sorry that I shouted at you.

0:25:300:25:33

-I'm going to get a coffee, do you want one?

-No.

0:25:440:25:47

You did a really great job today, and it's good experience

0:25:470:25:50

for you to have to deal with a situation like that.

0:25:500:25:53

Someone had to, you clearly weren't.

0:25:530:25:56

What?

0:25:560:25:57

You didn't realise she was having a heart attack?

0:25:570:26:00

Bob was shouting, it was mayhem.

0:26:000:26:01

You knew she had AF and you just stood by.

0:26:010:26:04

I was just...

0:26:050:26:07

What?

0:26:070:26:08

I was taken aback.

0:26:080:26:10

What's wrong with you today?

0:26:120:26:14

Nothing. You're the hero, OK?

0:26:140:26:16

That's not what this is about. I'm concerned.

0:26:160:26:20

You've mishandled the situation from the start, endorsing pills you...you knew nothing about.

0:26:200:26:27

-They were multivitamins.

-You didn't even check the website!

0:26:270:26:30

You gave Bob free rein to promote a completely unknown product.

0:26:300:26:33

You're twisting this.

0:26:330:26:35

No, you're not thinking straight.

0:26:350:26:38

I mean, what kind of doctor are you?

0:26:380:26:40

Unbelievable! Let's just hope no-one else gets hurt, eh?

0:26:430:26:48

-Don't go back, they'll never find you.

-I work there, remember?

0:27:000:27:04

Your wife, Patrick!

0:27:040:27:06

She thinks that I am going to poison her daughter's mind against her.

0:27:060:27:10

20 years I've been doing this.

0:27:100:27:12

Are you sure you want to go toe to toe?

0:27:120:27:14

Bring it on.

0:27:140:27:16

Selfish?

0:27:160:27:17

Anyway, I'm doing you a favour. Better on my waistline than yours.

0:27:170:27:20

So what are you saying? That I'm getting fat?

0:27:200:27:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:360:27:39

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:390:27:41

Patient Anna has found a surprising solution to her grumpy husband's constant knee pain, but in order for it to work she needs Elaine's help. Meanwhile, Marina and Mrs Tembe battle to enlist a talented voice into the Christmas Choir - Jimmi.


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