War of the Worlds Doctors


War of the Worlds

A patient of Elaine's follows his heart's desire when he believes the end of the world is nigh. Meanwhile, Jimmi is tasked with finding a band for the wedding.


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Transcript


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RADIO: ..Bohemian Rhapsody.

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We've just had some extraordinary news handed to us.

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Apparently, there is a meteorite on its way

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to the West Midlands.

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Er, scientists say there's no cause to panic

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but, erm, we'll, obviously... We'll keep you posted.

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Meanwhile, here's Dolly Parton.

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Morning.

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Oh, thanks, love.

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Are you, er...

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Are you getting up this morning?

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I don't feel ready yet. Maybe tomorrow.

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Right. Well, I've got to go to the doctor myself.

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Have my blood pressure tested.

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I hope it's all right. One of us has to fetch and carry.

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Oh, and erm, I'm taking some clothes down to the charity shop.

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Are you indeed? Expect you'll be collecting some from Mrs Fudge.

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Yes, er, she, she...

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She did have something for me.

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-Oh, you'll never guess what was on the news.

-What?

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Well, apparently, there's some sort of meteorite

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heading straight for the Midlands.

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Well, if it's not one thing, it's another.

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I don't suppose there's much we can do about it.

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Well, you can switch on my Barry Manilow.

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If the world is going to end, at least I'll have a nice tune.

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MUSIC: "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow

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MUSIC: "Jolene" by Dolly Parton

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DOORBELL RINGS

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RADIO: This is an urgent news report. According to eyewitness reports,

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the meteorite has now crashed into Letherbridge High Street.

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Police are warning people to stay away.

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Oh, has there been any more news?

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Oh, I don't know. I wasn't listening.

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Now, I've got some clothes for you.

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There's a beautiful Japanese kimono,

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there's a small satin negligee

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and there's an angora sweater that was just a bit too tight.

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Oh, whoops! Butterfingers, eh? You're really very kind.

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Oh, no, I think you're wonderful.

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The things you do for the less fortunate.

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How is your wife?

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-Oh, no better, I'm afraid.

-What a shame.

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She's so lucky to have you.

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Yes. Erm, would it be all right to listen to the news for a bit?

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Yeah, sure. Why?

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Well, they say that there's a kind of asteroid on the way.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

-Well, it won't do any damage, will it?

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-Well, some people say that's what destroyed the dinosaurs.

-Oh, dear.

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Well, we best have a listen, then.

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RADIO: Letherbridge is now under alien attack.

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Police are warning people to stay indoors.

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Do not leave the house, do not attempt to confront them.

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The studio has gone into lockdown though we have to stay on air...

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-It's the end of the world.

-Well, it can't be.

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-I mean, it's on the radio.

-Well, it's a joke.

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Oh, I've had nightmares about this.

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See, if they've got the technology to cross the universe,

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well, we must be like primitives compared to them.

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Well, what are we going to do?

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We'll hide under the stairs. Pray for some kind of miracle.

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Yeah, well, what about your wife?

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-She's listening to Barry Manilow.

-You'll want to be with her.

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No. If the world is going to end,

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there's only one person I want to be with.

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Oh! Oh! Oh!

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Oh! Oh, Derek! Derek! Oh, Derek!

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RADIO: January the 6th will always be remembered

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as the day we made first contact. We are not alone in the universe.

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-Oh, Derek.

-Oh, Suzy.

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-Has the world ended?

-An alien's got hold of my leg.

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And he's pulling, he's pulling!

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He's pulling my leg just like I've been pulling your leg

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for the past half hour!

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Yes, you've been listening to our Friday morning super prank.

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The world hasn't really been invaded by aliens. It was just a bit of fun.

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We do hope that no-one was taken in by our little stunt.

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Oops.

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-Course we're going to need disposable cameras.

-Morning.

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-Hey.

-Cherry, you know your wedding?

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-Yes?

-I've just found out a wonderful way that you might save some money.

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A couple in Kidderminster have just tied the knot at a naturist wedding.

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The bride and groom, and all their guests arrived completely naked.

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You've got to go for that.

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Wouldn't have to worry about a dress, or the bridesmaids' dresses.

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You still have to pay for the venue, flowers, catering.

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Sausages on sticks?

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I'm glad you find it funny.

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Do you want me to look at the list? See if I can help.

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Buttonholes, flowers, band - I could do that.

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OK. Well, it's got to be upmarket, classy, sophisticated.

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And cheap!

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Hello? Is anybody here?

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-What are you doing here?

-Heston!

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You did remember you're assessing me this week?

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Yes. Yeah. No.

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Great. Got time for a chat?

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Erm, lunch at the Icon?

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That works for me. What have you been doing to yourself?

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Oh, I got into an argument with a champagne cork.

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That's the third injury you've come in with this week.

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You may think I'm a smooth operator, but I'm actually quite clumsy.

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All champagne-related?

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Well, I'm not an alcoholic.

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-I'm not getting at anything, I'm just concerned.

-Well, don't be.

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I think I have to be because I'm a doctor who cares about you.

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OK, there is something.

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I knew it!

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-I've been diagnosed with BPPV.

-What?

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Benign Positional Peripheral Vertigo.

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I know what it is. Why haven't you told anyone?

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I don't want anybody knowing my business.

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-So, how's Marion?

-She's the same. No better. No worse.

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Really? I'm surprised. I thought she'd be up and about by now.

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Just, er, just try and relax.

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How's it looking?

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-180 over 100.

-Is that bad?

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-It's not great. Higher than last time.

-Oh, no.

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Is, erm, something wrong? Are you under any stress?

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Yes.

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What's the matter?

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I've just had sex with Mrs Fudge.

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It wasn't our fault. We thought the world was going to end.

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KNOCKING ON DOOR

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Enter.

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-So, this BPPV.

-Yes?

-What are the symptoms?

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I thought you spent five years at medical school.

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Yeah, I did, but now I have a real life study, not just theory.

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Well, if I turn my head suddenly or look up, the room spins. I drop stuff and bump into things.

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Do you get that feeling as though the floor's breathing?

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-Yes and it's very alarming.

-Must improve your sex life, though!

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-What?

-Earth really moves.

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So, erm, what treatment are they giving you?

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-They just said leave it for a week.

-Well, that's no good. Lie down.

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-Why?

-I want to try something on you.

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-What?

-Epley's Manoeuvre. Go on.

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And before we knew it, we were on the floor.

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You see, there's always been a certain frisson

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between myself and Mrs Fudge.

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I think, deep down, we knew it was a hoax,

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but it allowed us to do something that, secretly,

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we've always wanted to do.

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-What are you going to do now?

-I don't know.

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We could start a new life together.

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-And your wife?

-Oh, our marriage is over.

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I used to be a central heating engineer

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and I could always tell if an old boiler needed a bit of attention

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or if it was completely packed up.

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Well, our marriage is obsolete. The pilot light's gone out.

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They don't make the parts for it any more.

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But it lasted 30 years.

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The Black Death lasted for centuries,

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but that wasn't a success story.

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Look, I can't tell you what to do,

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but I've known people who've had affairs

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and it can ruin your life.

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One lie leads to another.

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And how do you know how Mrs Fudge feels?

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-I mean, she might just see it as a one-off.

-Oh, no!

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No, I'm sure she feels the same as I do.

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What if she doesn't?

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-So, how are you feeling?

-Very well, thank you.

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You can take these clothes to Oxfam now.

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No! I meant how are you feeling about this morning?

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Well, actually, I feel a bit sick.

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-Why?

-Because you're a married man.

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The only reason I did what I did

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is because I thought we'd be dead in half an hour.

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Suzy, my marriage is dead. It has been for years.

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But the two of us - this could be the start of something wonderful.

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-Derek, we're too old for this malarkey.

-You're never too old.

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All these gorgeous clothes from faraway places

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and you've hardly ever set foot outside Letherbridge.

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I know. My Norman didn't believe in abroad.

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He said that French people spoke English when we weren't looking.

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Look, I've got some savings - we could travel the world.

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I've always loved the idea of Italy.

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We could buy a farmhouse, make our own olive oil.

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-Extra virgin?

-Is there any other kind?

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Oh, I don't know, Derek. I mean, it sounds wonderful,

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-but it's just all so sudden.

-Yes. Yes, I know.

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But how often in life do you meet someone

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who makes you feel ten years old again?

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Who makes you feel like the world is just one great big adventure,

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waiting for us to explore it?

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I'll tell you - once.

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And this is it. This is our moment.

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Ah, the blushing bridegroom! What can I do for you?

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I need some advice about Cherry's wedding.

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-It is your wedding, too.

-So it is.

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Yeah, this business about finding a band.

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Why bother? Why bother?

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All you need is my MP3 player and some very large speakers.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

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That's all you need to make the perfect party.

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Did someone say party?

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-We're trying to work out what to play for Jim's big day.

-My mate's a DJ.

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-He can lay down some banging tunes.

-I don't think Cherry's in the mood for banging tunes.

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All right, sourpuss. He does play old school stuff. From the '90s.

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Wow. As old as that?

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I keep telling you. All you need for the perfect celebration

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is this little gadget here.

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Let's have a listen.

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-On one condition.

-What's that?

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I want you to press random play. Whatever song comes up,

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that's the first song you play after your dance with Cherry.

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-Ooh!

-What if it's embarrassing?

-Well, how can it be?

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-It's on my collection.

-Come on, he's far too chicken.

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He's probably going to let Cherry choose something like Shania Twain.

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OK, it's a deal.

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Then, all you need to do is press play.

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MUSIC: "Baggy Trousers" by Madness

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-Oh, result!

-Er, what is this?

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Only the best band of the '80s, my friend.

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-Yeah, but you can't dance to it.

-Show him.

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# Smashing up the woodwork tools

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# All the teachers in the pub Passing round the ready-rub

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# Trying not to think of when The lunch-time bell will ring again

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# Oh, what fun we had But did it really turn out bad... #

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Doctor Clay! What is that appalling noise?

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-Oh, it's Madness, Mrs Tembe!

-Well, I would not argue with that.

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# Trying different ways To make a difference... #

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So, there we are. I'm sorry for any pain I've caused.

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So, you're going to grow olives, are you?

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-Will you also be making bacon?

-What?

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-With the pigs flying overhead?

-This is all true, I tell you.

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Oh, Derek. I know you've always had the hots for Suzy the floozy,

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but what would she see in a fossil like you?

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Look, it may surprise you, but other women do see something in me.

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Well, perhaps that's where our marriage went wrong.

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We take each other for granted.

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What are you doing?

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Suzy? It's Mrs Wooley here from next door.

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Hmmm?

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Would you mind popping round for a minute?

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I am appalled at you.

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You are supposed to be health professionals.

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-But it's lunchtime.

-And we were discussing important issues.

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It's about Jimmi's wedding - the music for him.

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Why would you want that sort of racket at a wedding?

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Cos it makes him happy?

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If you want music,

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my choir would be happy to sing for you.

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They will make a noise that will fill the church

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and the hearts of everyone.

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We're not getting married in church.

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-Where are you getting married?

-Country house.

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But surely you should be in the house of the Lord?

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Well, we thought about it, but we decided not to.

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Sometimes, I despair of this country. Hmm.

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When my theology student comes to stay with me, what will he think?

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He will think he has landed in Sodom and Gomorrah.

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SUZY: I'm so sorry,

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but we just got caught up in something that we couldn't control.

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I understand.

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It's not the sort of thing you'd do deliberately.

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But the point is, we did do it. And it wasn't a one-off.

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It was just the first of a thousand acts of passion.

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My word. Do you think your pacemaker will stand it?

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It's a good job you've got Dr Cassidy on speed dial.

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Well, I think you're very cruel.

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You can't seem to see what a wonderful man he is.

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But, you know, if that's the way you feel,

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then, perhaps it's time he was with somebody who understood him.

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Ooh, the tart's got teeth!

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Well, if you're so determined to crawl off into the sunset,

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why don't you nip up to the attic and get a suitcase?

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-Derek? Derek, what is it?

-Go on. Go up to the attic.

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Then you'll see what sort of man he really is.

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-And there you go. We'll see you on the 20th.

-Thank you.

0:16:030:16:07

It's a bit quiet today.

0:16:070:16:08

Oh, I think they've all been scared away by the aliens.

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I actually had one patient who believed it.

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No! What happened?

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He was so sure the world was about to end he got a bit too neighbourly with the woman next door.

0:16:160:16:20

Well, the world really will come to an end when his wife finds out.

0:16:200:16:24

So, imagine you've got one hour to live, aliens are coming,

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who would you have your final fling with?

0:16:310:16:33

-George Clooney and a large tub of Haagen-Dazs.

-Ooh, no!

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-You don't like him?

-It's the ice cream. I'd have low fat yoghurt.

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What's the matter with you?

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The world's about to end and you're thinking about healthy eating.

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Heston?

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-What?

-Your final fling, if the world was about to end.

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I have no idea. Why do we get hung up on nights with dream lovers,

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when we should appreciate what we've got?

0:16:560:16:58

Suzy?

0:17:050:17:07

Suzy? Oh, there you are!

0:17:090:17:11

-Derek, what are all these clothes?

-Well, you know what they are.

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You gave them to me.

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You were meant to take them to the charity shop.

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-They were for people in need.

-I have needs!

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And I was going to take them, eventually.

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Well, what do you do with them all?

0:17:300:17:33

Well, he doesn't wear them, if that's what you're wondering.

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But sometimes, I hear him,

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running his fingers through the fabric and breathing heavily.

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How did you get up here?

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You'd be amazed the things I can do when I put my mind to it.

0:17:450:17:49

-Some of these clothes are from years ago.

-Yes.

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Because I've loved you for years. You're all I think about,

0:17:510:17:55

all through the day. And any time I'm with Marion,

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I pretend that it's you.

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You are the most ungrateful, disgusting man!

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SHE SCREAMS

0:18:050:18:06

Derek! Derek! Oh, my God, Derek!

0:18:080:18:11

SHE SCREAMS

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Come in.

0:18:140:18:16

Got a playlist for you.

0:18:190:18:21

HE LAUGHS

0:18:210:18:23

-I'm sorry but I have to say no to the school disco theme.

-Why?

0:18:230:18:27

-Think of a fruit beginning with C.

-This is your wedding, too.

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It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

0:18:300:18:33

-We're supposed to be coming up with things that make both of us happy.

-You and I should get married.

0:18:330:18:39

A civil partnership?

0:18:390:18:40

Yeah, we wouldn't have to consummate it, of course.

0:18:400:18:43

But we'd keep Zara and Cherry on the side.

0:18:430:18:45

-What would we do for the wedding?

-Ooh, we'd have a Formula One theme.

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-We'd drive down the aisle in a Ferrari.

-Music?

0:18:490:18:53

-MP3 player.

-Food?

-Takeaway.

0:18:530:18:55

Sounds good! I'm not sure Cherry and Zara would go for it, though.

0:18:550:18:59

OK. Erm, fine. You had your chance, Jimmi...

0:18:590:19:04

..and you blew it.

0:19:080:19:09

You're absolutely fine. No bones broken.

0:19:120:19:16

-Oh, thank goodness.

-OK.

0:19:160:19:19

-Here you go.

-Oh, thanks.

-There you are.

0:19:190:19:24

Oh, erm, this is Mrs Fudge. The woman I was telling you about.

0:19:240:19:29

Is there anyone you haven't told?

0:19:290:19:31

-I'm not the only one with secrets.

-Meaning?

0:19:310:19:34

You say you can't get out of bed. But you were up that ladder quick enough.

0:19:340:19:39

Well, it suited me to have you believe I was bed bound.

0:19:390:19:42

Then I could keep tabs on you.

0:19:420:19:44

You've had Nurse Malone and myself giving you home visits!

0:19:440:19:47

A small price to pay to save my marriage.

0:19:470:19:50

Our marriage is over.

0:19:500:19:52

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

0:19:530:19:57

No, Derek. You haven't.

0:19:570:20:00

-Come in.

-Any joy?

0:20:050:20:08

Er, no. I've tried everything from string quartets

0:20:080:20:10

to country and western.

0:20:100:20:12

Don't you have mates in bands?

0:20:120:20:15

Yeah, but they all grew up and got proper jobs.

0:20:150:20:17

-Oh, hang on! What about Will?

-Who?

0:20:170:20:19

-You know, Kim's son. He's in a band.

-Are they any good?

0:20:190:20:22

-I think so. They'll be cheap. Probably do it for beer money.

-What they called?

0:20:220:20:26

Let's have a look.

0:20:260:20:28

The Satanic Daffodils.

0:20:320:20:35

The thing is, I do think you're lovely,

0:20:370:20:41

but it's quite clear from what I saw in the attic that you're obsessed.

0:20:410:20:46

And for me...

0:20:480:20:49

..well, it was just a bit of fun.

0:20:510:20:54

There was only ever one man in my life and he's not here any more.

0:20:550:21:00

No, I can't come to Italy with you.

0:21:070:21:10

Well, that'll be your last finger of Fudge.

0:21:150:21:20

-Is it really necessary to gloat?

-No.

0:21:200:21:23

But it has seen me through the past 30 years.

0:21:230:21:27

Anyway, I'm prepared to overlook the whole sordid saga.

0:21:270:21:32

Call it the male menopause.

0:21:330:21:36

Anyway, Derek, why don't you make me a nice cup of tea and we'll say no more about it.

0:21:360:21:42

How can you say that? You haven't even heard them.

0:21:450:21:48

The clue is in the name.

0:21:480:21:50

When I was young, I dreamt of a wonderful wedding.

0:21:500:21:54

A beautiful dress.

0:21:540:21:56

I did not dream of the Satanic Daffodils.

0:21:560:22:00

OK, look, they've got a website. Maybe we should just listen to them.

0:22:000:22:03

DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:030:22:07

Yeah, they're a bit raw.

0:22:100:22:12

Raw? You'd get salmonella from them.

0:22:120:22:15

-He's a good kid. It'd be nice to get him involved.

-He can help out in the cloakroom.

0:22:150:22:19

But if the Satanic Daffodils are playing,

0:22:190:22:22

then the wedding is off.

0:22:220:22:24

DEREK: There's no fool like an old fool.

0:22:290:22:31

What are you going to do now?

0:22:310:22:34

Make some tea. Do you want some?

0:22:340:22:37

Do you really think you can just pretend nothing's happened?

0:22:370:22:40

Oh, no. There'll be a reminder every day.

0:22:400:22:44

It'll be like Chinese water torture.

0:22:440:22:47

I was looking forward to going to Italy.

0:22:470:22:50

Still, I can always look it up on the internet.

0:22:500:22:52

Derek, you don't need Suzy to see the world.

0:22:520:22:56

Well, I can't go by myself.

0:22:560:22:58

Plenty of people start a new life alone. You just have to be brave.

0:22:580:23:02

-I've never been that.

-Well, ask yourself,

0:23:020:23:06

-can it be any worse than the life you've got now?

-Derek!

0:23:060:23:10

When am I going to get this cup of tea?

0:23:100:23:13

When you learn how to use a kettle!

0:23:130:23:17

-Heston! Oh, Heston!

-I thought we were meeting in the Icon.

0:23:170:23:21

Yeah, we were. Now, don't bite my head off.

0:23:210:23:24

-How you planning on getting there?

-In my car.

0:23:240:23:27

But I don't think that's a wise idea.

0:23:270:23:29

Sudden head movements. Earth starts to move.

0:23:290:23:32

-Well, I know, but, erm...?

-Never fear. Your chauffeur is here.

0:23:320:23:37

You be Lady Penelope, I'll be Parker.

0:23:370:23:39

-I don't want to put you to any trouble.

-No trouble at all.

0:23:390:23:42

Look, I like classic cars and I'd make an excellent Mr Toad.

0:23:420:23:47

Poop, poop!

0:23:490:23:51

Come on.

0:23:510:23:53

Well, good luck.

0:23:570:23:59

-Thanks.

-Don't forget your clothes! I don't want them.

0:23:590:24:03

-Oh, dear.

-I deserve it.

0:24:030:24:07

And I hope, one day, she'll find someone who makes her happy.

0:24:070:24:10

-And the same goes for you.

-I'm happy now.

0:24:100:24:14

Yeah, you only get one chance and this is it.

0:24:140:24:17

-What are you going to do?

-What I should have done 60 years ago.

0:24:170:24:20

Start living.

0:24:200:24:21

I must say, you're being very brave.

0:24:210:24:23

Ah, well...

0:24:230:24:25

..it's not the end of the world!

0:24:260:24:29

Now, she's precision engineered and responds to the lightest of touches.

0:24:360:24:41

So, not used to my sledgehammer fingers, then?

0:24:410:24:43

I will be gentle.

0:24:430:24:45

-I think it'll be OK if I drive very carefully.

-Don't think about it!

0:24:450:24:48

I will drive you today, tomorrow and the rest of this month if necessary.

0:24:480:24:53

Come on.

0:24:530:24:55

This isn't just going to go away, Heston.

0:25:010:25:04

What's the matter?

0:25:060:25:07

Heston?

0:25:090:25:11

Erm...

0:25:110:25:13

There is, erm...

0:25:160:25:19

-Sorry, this is difficult.

-It's OK.

0:25:190:25:22

Go on.

0:25:220:25:24

You have to promise not to tell anyone.

0:25:240:25:26

I can be discreet.

0:25:260:25:28

The reason I don't...

0:25:320:25:34

It's OK.

0:25:360:25:37

The reason...

0:25:390:25:41

I don't want them to think I'm getting old.

0:25:450:25:47

What?

0:25:480:25:50

Ready for the knackers' yard.

0:25:500:25:52

Heston, nobody here thinks that! If anything,

0:25:520:25:56

they think of you as a priceless antique from another era.

0:25:560:26:00

I want to turn you upside down and find the hallmark on your bottom.

0:26:000:26:05

It's going to be all right. You worry too much.

0:26:050:26:10

You can't keep me here. It's inhumane.

0:26:300:26:34

-Is this one going to bounce?

-Just take the cheque.

0:26:340:26:37

Said he had new things coming up.

0:26:370:26:39

He didn't say anything about it to me. No change there.

0:26:390:26:42

-I didn't mean to offend you.

-We may not have high-flying careers,

0:26:420:26:47

but we don't need your pity.

0:26:470:26:48

Richard, pleasure to meet you.

0:26:480:26:51

Pleasure to meet you.

0:26:510:26:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:080:27:11

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:110:27:14

A patient of Elaine's follows his heart's desire when he believes the end of the world is nigh. Jimmi is tasked with finding a band for the wedding, while Heston's lies about his injuries start to spiral out of control.


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