War of the Worlds Doctors

RADIO: ..Bohemian Rhapsody.

We've just had some extraordinary news handed to us.

Apparently, there is a meteorite on its way

to the West Midlands.

Er, scientists say there's no cause to panic

but, erm, we'll, obviously... We'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, here's Dolly Parton.

Morning.

Oh, thanks, love.

Are you, er...

Are you getting up this morning?

I don't feel ready yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Right. Well, I've got to go to the doctor myself.

Have my blood pressure tested.

I hope it's all right. One of us has to fetch and carry.

Oh, and erm, I'm taking some clothes down to the charity shop.

Are you indeed? Expect you'll be collecting some from Mrs Fudge.

Yes, er, she, she...

She did have something for me.

-Oh, you'll never guess what was on the news.

-What?

Well, apparently, there's some sort of meteorite

heading straight for the Midlands.

Well, if it's not one thing, it's another.

I don't suppose there's much we can do about it.

Well, you can switch on my Barry Manilow.

If the world is going to end, at least I'll have a nice tune.

MUSIC: "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow

MUSIC: "Jolene" by Dolly Parton

DOORBELL RINGS

RADIO: This is an urgent news report. According to eyewitness reports,

the meteorite has now crashed into Letherbridge High Street.

Police are warning people to stay away.

Oh, has there been any more news?

Oh, I don't know. I wasn't listening.

Now, I've got some clothes for you.

There's a beautiful Japanese kimono,

there's a small satin negligee

and there's an angora sweater that was just a bit too tight.

Oh, whoops! Butterfingers, eh? You're really very kind.

Oh, no, I think you're wonderful.

The things you do for the less fortunate.

How is your wife?

-Oh, no better, I'm afraid.

-What a shame.

She's so lucky to have you.

Yes. Erm, would it be all right to listen to the news for a bit?

Yeah, sure. Why?

Well, they say that there's a kind of asteroid on the way.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Well, it won't do any damage, will it?

-Well, some people say that's what destroyed the dinosaurs.

-Oh, dear.

Well, we best have a listen, then.

RADIO: Letherbridge is now under alien attack.

Police are warning people to stay indoors.

Do not leave the house, do not attempt to confront them.

The studio has gone into lockdown though we have to stay on air...

-It's the end of the world.

-Well, it can't be.

-I mean, it's on the radio.

-Well, it's a joke.

Oh, I've had nightmares about this.

See, if they've got the technology to cross the universe,

well, we must be like primitives compared to them.

Well, what are we going to do?

We'll hide under the stairs. Pray for some kind of miracle.

Yeah, well, what about your wife?

-She's listening to Barry Manilow.

-You'll want to be with her.

No. If the world is going to end,

there's only one person I want to be with.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, Derek! Derek! Oh, Derek!

RADIO: January the 6th will always be remembered

as the day we made first contact. We are not alone in the universe.

-Oh, Derek.

-Oh, Suzy.

-Has the world ended?

-An alien's got hold of my leg.

And he's pulling, he's pulling!

He's pulling my leg just like I've been pulling your leg

for the past half hour!

Yes, you've been listening to our Friday morning super prank.

The world hasn't really been invaded by aliens. It was just a bit of fun.

We do hope that no-one was taken in by our little stunt.

Oops.

-Course we're going to need disposable cameras.

-Morning.

-Hey.

-Cherry, you know your wedding?

-Yes?

-I've just found out a wonderful way that you might save some money.

A couple in Kidderminster have just tied the knot at a naturist wedding.

The bride and groom, and all their guests arrived completely naked.

You've got to go for that.

Wouldn't have to worry about a dress, or the bridesmaids' dresses.

You still have to pay for the venue, flowers, catering.

Sausages on sticks?

I'm glad you find it funny.

Do you want me to look at the list? See if I can help.

Buttonholes, flowers, band - I could do that.

OK. Well, it's got to be upmarket, classy, sophisticated.

And cheap!

Hello? Is anybody here?

-What are you doing here?

-Heston!

You did remember you're assessing me this week?

Yes. Yeah. No.

Great. Got time for a chat?

Erm, lunch at the Icon?

That works for me. What have you been doing to yourself?

Oh, I got into an argument with a champagne cork.

That's the third injury you've come in with this week.

You may think I'm a smooth operator, but I'm actually quite clumsy.

All champagne-related?

Well, I'm not an alcoholic.

-I'm not getting at anything, I'm just concerned.

-Well, don't be.

I think I have to be because I'm a doctor who cares about you.

OK, there is something.

I knew it!

-I've been diagnosed with BPPV.

-What?

Benign Positional Peripheral Vertigo.

I know what it is. Why haven't you told anyone?

I don't want anybody knowing my business.

-So, how's Marion?

-She's the same. No better. No worse.

Really? I'm surprised. I thought she'd be up and about by now.

Just, er, just try and relax.

How's it looking?

-180 over 100.

-Is that bad?

-It's not great. Higher than last time.

-Oh, no.

Is, erm, something wrong? Are you under any stress?

Yes.

What's the matter?

I've just had sex with Mrs Fudge.

It wasn't our fault. We thought the world was going to end.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Enter.

-So, this BPPV.

-Yes?

-What are the symptoms?

I thought you spent five years at medical school.

Yeah, I did, but now I have a real life study, not just theory.

Well, if I turn my head suddenly or look up, the room spins. I drop stuff and bump into things.

Do you get that feeling as though the floor's breathing?

-Yes and it's very alarming.

-Must improve your sex life, though!

-What?

-Earth really moves.

So, erm, what treatment are they giving you?

-They just said leave it for a week.

-Well, that's no good. Lie down.

-Why?

-I want to try something on you.

-What?

-Epley's Manoeuvre. Go on.

And before we knew it, we were on the floor.

You see, there's always been a certain frisson

between myself and Mrs Fudge.

I think, deep down, we knew it was a hoax,

but it allowed us to do something that, secretly,

we've always wanted to do.

-What are you going to do now?

-I don't know.

We could start a new life together.

-And your wife?

-Oh, our marriage is over.

I used to be a central heating engineer

and I could always tell if an old boiler needed a bit of attention

or if it was completely packed up.

Well, our marriage is obsolete. The pilot light's gone out.

They don't make the parts for it any more.

But it lasted 30 years.

The Black Death lasted for centuries,

but that wasn't a success story.

Look, I can't tell you what to do,

but I've known people who've had affairs

and it can ruin your life.

One lie leads to another.

And how do you know how Mrs Fudge feels?

-I mean, she might just see it as a one-off.

-Oh, no!

No, I'm sure she feels the same as I do.

What if she doesn't?

-So, how are you feeling?

-Very well, thank you.

You can take these clothes to Oxfam now.

No! I meant how are you feeling about this morning?

Well, actually, I feel a bit sick.

-Why?

-Because you're a married man.

The only reason I did what I did

is because I thought we'd be dead in half an hour.

Suzy, my marriage is dead. It has been for years.

But the two of us - this could be the start of something wonderful.

-Derek, we're too old for this malarkey.

-You're never too old.

All these gorgeous clothes from faraway places

and you've hardly ever set foot outside Letherbridge.

I know. My Norman didn't believe in abroad.

He said that French people spoke English when we weren't looking.

Look, I've got some savings - we could travel the world.

I've always loved the idea of Italy.

We could buy a farmhouse, make our own olive oil.

-Extra virgin?

-Is there any other kind?

Oh, I don't know, Derek. I mean, it sounds wonderful,

-but it's just all so sudden.

-Yes. Yes, I know.

But how often in life do you meet someone

who makes you feel ten years old again?

Who makes you feel like the world is just one great big adventure,

waiting for us to explore it?

I'll tell you - once.

And this is it. This is our moment.

Ah, the blushing bridegroom! What can I do for you?

I need some advice about Cherry's wedding.

-It is your wedding, too.

-So it is.

Yeah, this business about finding a band.

Why bother? Why bother?

All you need is my MP3 player and some very large speakers.

-Really?

-Yeah.

That's all you need to make the perfect party.

Did someone say party?

-We're trying to work out what to play for Jim's big day.

-My mate's a DJ.

-He can lay down some banging tunes.

-I don't think Cherry's in the mood for banging tunes.

All right, sourpuss. He does play old school stuff. From the '90s.

Wow. As old as that?

I keep telling you. All you need for the perfect celebration

is this little gadget here.

Let's have a listen.

-On one condition.

-What's that?

I want you to press random play. Whatever song comes up,

that's the first song you play after your dance with Cherry.

-Ooh!

-What if it's embarrassing?

-Well, how can it be?

-It's on my collection.

-Come on, he's far too chicken.

He's probably going to let Cherry choose something like Shania Twain.

OK, it's a deal.

Then, all you need to do is press play.

MUSIC: "Baggy Trousers" by Madness

-Oh, result!

-Er, what is this?

Only the best band of the '80s, my friend.

-Yeah, but you can't dance to it.

-Show him.

# Smashing up the woodwork tools

# All the teachers in the pub Passing round the ready-rub

# Trying not to think of when The lunch-time bell will ring again

# Oh, what fun we had But did it really turn out bad... #

Doctor Clay! What is that appalling noise?

-Oh, it's Madness, Mrs Tembe!

-Well, I would not argue with that.

# Trying different ways To make a difference... #

So, there we are. I'm sorry for any pain I've caused.

So, you're going to grow olives, are you?

-Will you also be making bacon?

-What?

-With the pigs flying overhead?

-This is all true, I tell you.

Oh, Derek. I know you've always had the hots for Suzy the floozy,

but what would she see in a fossil like you?

Look, it may surprise you, but other women do see something in me.

Well, perhaps that's where our marriage went wrong.

We take each other for granted.

What are you doing?

Suzy? It's Mrs Wooley here from next door.

Hmmm?

Would you mind popping round for a minute?

I am appalled at you.

You are supposed to be health professionals.

-But it's lunchtime.

-And we were discussing important issues.

It's about Jimmi's wedding - the music for him.

Why would you want that sort of racket at a wedding?

Cos it makes him happy?

If you want music,

my choir would be happy to sing for you.

They will make a noise that will fill the church

and the hearts of everyone.

We're not getting married in church.

-Where are you getting married?

-Country house.

But surely you should be in the house of the Lord?

Well, we thought about it, but we decided not to.

Sometimes, I despair of this country. Hmm.

When my theology student comes to stay with me, what will he think?

He will think he has landed in Sodom and Gomorrah.

SUZY: I'm so sorry,

but we just got caught up in something that we couldn't control.

I understand.

It's not the sort of thing you'd do deliberately.

But the point is, we did do it. And it wasn't a one-off.

It was just the first of a thousand acts of passion.

My word. Do you think your pacemaker will stand it?

It's a good job you've got Dr Cassidy on speed dial.

Well, I think you're very cruel.

You can't seem to see what a wonderful man he is.

But, you know, if that's the way you feel,

then, perhaps it's time he was with somebody who understood him.

Ooh, the tart's got teeth!

Well, if you're so determined to crawl off into the sunset,

why don't you nip up to the attic and get a suitcase?

-Derek? Derek, what is it?

-Go on. Go up to the attic.

Then you'll see what sort of man he really is.

-And there you go. We'll see you on the 20th.

-Thank you.

It's a bit quiet today.

Oh, I think they've all been scared away by the aliens.

I actually had one patient who believed it.

No! What happened?

He was so sure the world was about to end he got a bit too neighbourly with the woman next door.

Well, the world really will come to an end when his wife finds out.

So, imagine you've got one hour to live, aliens are coming,

who would you have your final fling with?

-George Clooney and a large tub of Haagen-Dazs.

-Ooh, no!

-You don't like him?

-It's the ice cream. I'd have low fat yoghurt.

What's the matter with you?

The world's about to end and you're thinking about healthy eating.

Heston?

-What?

-Your final fling, if the world was about to end.

I have no idea. Why do we get hung up on nights with dream lovers,

when we should appreciate what we've got?

Suzy?

Suzy? Oh, there you are!

-Derek, what are all these clothes?

-Well, you know what they are.

You gave them to me.

You were meant to take them to the charity shop.

-They were for people in need.

-I have needs!

And I was going to take them, eventually.

Well, what do you do with them all?

Well, he doesn't wear them, if that's what you're wondering.

But sometimes, I hear him,

running his fingers through the fabric and breathing heavily.

How did you get up here?

You'd be amazed the things I can do when I put my mind to it.

-Some of these clothes are from years ago.

-Yes.

Because I've loved you for years. You're all I think about,

all through the day. And any time I'm with Marion,

I pretend that it's you.

You are the most ungrateful, disgusting man!

SHE SCREAMS

Derek! Derek! Oh, my God, Derek!

SHE SCREAMS

Come in.

Got a playlist for you.

HE LAUGHS

-I'm sorry but I have to say no to the school disco theme.

-Why?

-Think of a fruit beginning with C.

-This is your wedding, too.

It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

-We're supposed to be coming up with things that make both of us happy.

-You and I should get married.

A civil partnership?

Yeah, we wouldn't have to consummate it, of course.

But we'd keep Zara and Cherry on the side.

-What would we do for the wedding?

-Ooh, we'd have a Formula One theme.

-We'd drive down the aisle in a Ferrari.

-Music?

-MP3 player.

-Food?

-Takeaway.

Sounds good! I'm not sure Cherry and Zara would go for it, though.

OK. Erm, fine. You had your chance, Jimmi...

..and you blew it.

You're absolutely fine. No bones broken.

-Oh, thank goodness.

-OK.

-Here you go.

-Oh, thanks.

-There you are.

Oh, erm, this is Mrs Fudge. The woman I was telling you about.

Is there anyone you haven't told?

-I'm not the only one with secrets.

-Meaning?

You say you can't get out of bed. But you were up that ladder quick enough.

Well, it suited me to have you believe I was bed bound.

Then I could keep tabs on you.

You've had Nurse Malone and myself giving you home visits!

A small price to pay to save my marriage.

Our marriage is over.

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

No, Derek. You haven't.

-Come in.

-Any joy?

Er, no. I've tried everything from string quartets

to country and western.

Don't you have mates in bands?

Yeah, but they all grew up and got proper jobs.

-Oh, hang on! What about Will?

-Who?

-You know, Kim's son. He's in a band.

-Are they any good?

-I think so. They'll be cheap. Probably do it for beer money.

-What they called?

Let's have a look.

The Satanic Daffodils.

The thing is, I do think you're lovely,

but it's quite clear from what I saw in the attic that you're obsessed.

And for me...

..well, it was just a bit of fun.

There was only ever one man in my life and he's not here any more.

No, I can't come to Italy with you.

Well, that'll be your last finger of Fudge.

-Is it really necessary to gloat?

-No.

But it has seen me through the past 30 years.

Anyway, I'm prepared to overlook the whole sordid saga.

Call it the male menopause.

Anyway, Derek, why don't you make me a nice cup of tea and we'll say no more about it.

How can you say that? You haven't even heard them.

The clue is in the name.

When I was young, I dreamt of a wonderful wedding.

A beautiful dress.

I did not dream of the Satanic Daffodils.

OK, look, they've got a website. Maybe we should just listen to them.

DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah, they're a bit raw.

Raw? You'd get salmonella from them.

-He's a good kid. It'd be nice to get him involved.

-He can help out in the cloakroom.

But if the Satanic Daffodils are playing,

then the wedding is off.

DEREK: There's no fool like an old fool.

What are you going to do now?

Make some tea. Do you want some?

Do you really think you can just pretend nothing's happened?

Oh, no. There'll be a reminder every day.

It'll be like Chinese water torture.

I was looking forward to going to Italy.

Still, I can always look it up on the internet.

Derek, you don't need Suzy to see the world.

Well, I can't go by myself.

Plenty of people start a new life alone. You just have to be brave.

-I've never been that.

-Well, ask yourself,

-can it be any worse than the life you've got now?

-Derek!

When am I going to get this cup of tea?

When you learn how to use a kettle!

-Heston! Oh, Heston!

-I thought we were meeting in the Icon.

Yeah, we were. Now, don't bite my head off.

-How you planning on getting there?

-In my car.

But I don't think that's a wise idea.

Sudden head movements. Earth starts to move.

-Well, I know, but, erm...?

-Never fear. Your chauffeur is here.

You be Lady Penelope, I'll be Parker.

-I don't want to put you to any trouble.

-No trouble at all.

Look, I like classic cars and I'd make an excellent Mr Toad.

Poop, poop!

Come on.

Well, good luck.

-Thanks.

-Don't forget your clothes! I don't want them.

-Oh, dear.

-I deserve it.

And I hope, one day, she'll find someone who makes her happy.

-And the same goes for you.

-I'm happy now.

Yeah, you only get one chance and this is it.

-What are you going to do?

-What I should have done 60 years ago.

Start living.

I must say, you're being very brave.

Ah, well...

..it's not the end of the world!

Now, she's precision engineered and responds to the lightest of touches.

So, not used to my sledgehammer fingers, then?

I will be gentle.

-I think it'll be OK if I drive very carefully.

-Don't think about it!

I will drive you today, tomorrow and the rest of this month if necessary.

Come on.

This isn't just going to go away, Heston.

What's the matter?

Heston?

Erm...

There is, erm...

-Sorry, this is difficult.

-It's OK.

Go on.

You have to promise not to tell anyone.

I can be discreet.

The reason I don't...

It's OK.

The reason...

I don't want them to think I'm getting old.

What?

Ready for the knackers' yard.

Heston, nobody here thinks that! If anything,

they think of you as a priceless antique from another era.

I want to turn you upside down and find the hallmark on your bottom.

It's going to be all right. You worry too much.

You can't keep me here. It's inhumane.

-Is this one going to bounce?

-Just take the cheque.

Said he had new things coming up.

He didn't say anything about it to me. No change there.

-I didn't mean to offend you.

-We may not have high-flying careers,

but we don't need your pity.

Richard, pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

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