Lovesick Doctors


Lovesick

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I don't care what you have to promise, I want bums on seats.

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The more the merrier!

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-Not now, Luke. I've got loads to do.

-I know, but, please...

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It's over! I've told you I'm not interested,

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and I never will be.

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And can we have that finished today, please? While we're still young? And fit(!)

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MONITOR BLEEPS

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Mary Dixon?

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-Jack Hollins.

-Yeah, I know.

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Bit of a reputation, haven't you?

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The Boy Who Lived? That article, on the murderer..?

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Yeah. I'm doing a favour for the student rag,

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a sort of behind-the-scenes piece. I heard this Lovefest was your idea?

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Uh-huh. I was wondering when you'd get round to doing me.

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It just seems you've gone through all the other girls first.

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Just keeping myself amused.

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Oh, good! I'd hate to think you were bored.

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Not any more. Anyway, you could have come to me.

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No.

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You've got to do the legwork...

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..if you're still interested.

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Thanks for coming(!)

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Getting through them.

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Like monkeys through nuts.

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Whose idea was it for a Student Sex Drive?

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Like they need any more drive(!)

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Daniel set it up with the Uni bigwigs.

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Along with a slap-up lunch to tell them how it's all going.

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Unfortunately, with him being off, I have to go instead.

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Oh, my heart bleeds!

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Well, you can tell them, after all my HCA training,

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I'm now a glorified condom machine.

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Their little darlings are at it like rabbits and they're mostly hung over.

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Like that one?

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-Keep it up. You're doing a cracking job.

-Nice to be appreciated.

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-Morning. Just(!)

-Lie in, Heston?

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-No, the car...it just..

-It's my fault he's late.

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Mission accomplished, ladies!

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Yes, I think we have to thank you all for working so tirelessly

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-and selflessly behind our backs.

-Pleasure.

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-And how's baby Joe?

-Well, he's not out of the woods yet, but he is better.

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Good, good. And Mrs Tembe?

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She's gone off to Wales with a friend from the church.

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Oh, I wanted to thank her for...

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Oh, no, I worked long and hard on that smile..!

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Get a room, you two!

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Better out than in. Do you want one of those?

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So, are you here for the sexual health clinic, or..?

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I really thought we had, you know, something real.

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-And the sex...

-Who's this now?

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Mary.

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She was really into me. And then she just...

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-Then she just dumped me.

-Oh. So you went out on the lash?

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No.

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I tried talking, but she's up to her neck in Lovefest.

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Poetry festival she's organising.

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Luke Meadows?

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He's in here.

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I'm sure she doesn't know what she's missing.

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If you'd like to take a seat.

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Karen, bring a bowl.

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Thanks anyway, Doctor.

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-How's Joe?

-Fine.

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-What did he say?

-Nothing.

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I just asked him when we could take Joe home.

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You're not serious? He's way too fragile.

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Yes, OK. I've already had all of that from Dr No.

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They're just doing what's best for him, that's all.

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They are, aren't they?

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Except me.

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They change his nappies, run tests, do his obs

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and I can't even touch him.

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-This is not how it was supposed to be.

-Hey...

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We haven't even so much as bought him a pair of bootees.

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Well, that we can do.

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Make a list of everything he needs, I'll go out and buy it.

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Keep you busy till you need to express next.

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I suppose it would help pass the time.

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Come on, then, Mr Hunter-Gatherer!

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I've got hepatitis?

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Your most recent blood tests show positive for Hep B.

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Hence the nausea and so on.

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Now in most cases people fight the virus off in a few months,

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although some do develop complications like jaundice

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-and in chronic cases, liver cirrhosis, even cancer.

-Cancer?

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So it's really important you take precautions

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not to infect anyone else.

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And, you should think about telling anyone

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that you've had unprotected sex with.

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What if that's why she dumped me?

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So how about it?

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Can you be a bit more specific?

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An interview! You know, a profile of the woman behind Lovefest.

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You want me to bare my soul?

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Right here, in front of all these people?

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Over a drink, then? Lunchtime, maybe?

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Maybe not. What makes you think I want to give you an expose?

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Blind faith? Hope?

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Charity?

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(I've got to tell you something.)

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There's nothing you can say that I want to hear!

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I had a test!

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I've got Hepatitis...B.

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-Just get away from me.

-I'm sorry!

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-I came as soon as I knew.

-Yeah, I bet.

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You really think you can cling on a little longer

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-if we share some disease?

-Mary!

-I'm not ill.

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But you are, aren't you?

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Everything all right?

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-No, as it happens.

-No, Luke's reading later,

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but he's feeling a bit off.

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Jack and I were just arranging a lunch date, if we're finished?

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So 12:30, the Icon Bar then?

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Why not? Maybe I'll give you a scoop after all.

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SHE HUMS

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Ooh, love is in the air.

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Oh, it must be if he's let you loose on his precious lapsang.

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I tried to making him a cup once,

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back when I was young and innocent, and thought tea was just tea.

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Thanks...for everything.

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We're just really happy you've given him another go.

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What are we going to do for the rest of our lives?

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Try wangling some tickets for the Sibelius, at the Symphony Hall?

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Ooh, yes. Oh! I better cancel my table for one at Le Champignon.

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Well, you don't have to.

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Ah, they're engaged.

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No, Heston, you could book a table for two.

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I thought you didn't like fussy food?

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I feel like I'm a new woman.

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I'm just thanking my lucky stars that you don't.

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What's this?

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Sexual partners. You said that...

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No, I said YOU need to find...

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Dave, and Nigel...

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Mary Dixon's partners.

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I can't get involved in your ex's sex life.

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I asked around and she's had loads of boyfriends.

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Some had flu, or thought they did. Some got so sick

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they dropped out. So, I'm wondering if I got it from her?

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-And you could maybe find out what they had?

-Absolutely not.

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But if she's sick, I need to tell her!

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You need to get a grip, take care of yourself.

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I can't tell you about another patient. Thank you.

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Grizzly Bear sleepsuits, three-pack, short sleeve, blue stripe.

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A changing mat, oh, and a snuggle toy,

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but nothing musical or too twee.

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'So the scratch mittens are the blue ones?'

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No, those are fleece ones! I want organic cotton.

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What's the point of me researching everything...

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'You didn't mention organic.'

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Well, I am now.

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'OK.'

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Can we just get on with this please? Dummy!

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Hi. Just test-driving my Lovefest outfit.

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Hope you've got plenty of lead in that pencil.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Yeah?

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-What d'ya reckon?

-Wow, yeah,

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probably knock 'em dead. Though that won't be hard.

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How come?

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Daniel says they're all older than Des O'Connor.

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Did you say that jaundice was a complication of Hep B?

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Uh-huh.

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Say we had a patient, never tested for Hep B,

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-might have jaundice.

-Might have?

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She came in about six months ago for birth control.

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Heston saw her eyes, thought they looked yellow, ordered tests, she never followed up.

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Could she have infected someone else with Hep B?

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Yeah, she should get herself tested.

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Most people infect others without knowing they've got it themselves.

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Do you mind, I've got to...?

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Oh, yeah, sorry.

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That floats my boat.

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The endless complexity or pure simplicity of emotion.

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Poetry explaining the inexplicable.

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The magic of Puck's love juice

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in Midsummer Night's Dream, right down to the nitty gritty of teethmarks and carpet burn.

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So what's the story with Luke? Love's young dream?

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Nightmare?

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I thought you were interested in Lovefest. And me.

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Yeah. Don't want to queer anyone else's pitch, do I?

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You think I'm some bit of turf for the boys to fight over?

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Dogs marking their territory?

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No, not at all. Poor choice of words.

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PHONE RINGS

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Yeah?

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-'Hi, Mary Dixon?'

-Yeah, it is.

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Campus Surgery.

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We've noticed that you haven't had some blood tests

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that Doctor Carter arranged.

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'Apparently you had suspected jaundice..?'

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-Did I?

-'Yeah, it's in your notes.'

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If you'd like to make an appointment...

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No. I'm busy now, OK?

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Trouble with the Festival?

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The course of true love and all that. I'd better get back.

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Sorry, I didn't mean to flip out.

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No, it was my fault.

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Really. I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

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Off the record?

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Of course.

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It's just that with everything I've got going on,

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having an official stalker...

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Obsession, eh? Do you have that effect on everyone?

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Not everyone.

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Walk me back?

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Lovefest. OK, thank you. Bye, yeah.

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-Would you, or could you do me a tiny favour..?

-Can't stop, lunch.

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It's on your way. Just a quick word with a patient, two minutes tops?

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The one with possible Hep B?

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Yeah. Mary Dixon. She's in the English theatre

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and she's organising some poetry thing called Lovefest.

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-And why would I want to do that?

-Well, you could get brownie points

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for following up on one of Heston's patients,

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foiling a major STI outbreak,

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bragging rights at your posh lunch?

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OK, then. Bye.

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Reservation for two confirmed.

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And the chef promises to go easy on you.

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Thank you.

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PHONE RINGS

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That's more than I can promise you for after dinner.

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I can't help thinking with all the distractions,

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we haven't even scratched the surface.

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But once I get things on track here, we could meet back at mine,

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go into things in more detail if you like?

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Room 667, Crosweller. Say half an hour?

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I'm in.

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Mary Dixon? Hi, I'm Dr Tyler from the Campus.

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Have you got a minute?

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I think someone tried to contact you earlier about some tests.

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Uh-huh. And you've come to check me over personally?

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No. I was on my way to lunch with the vice-chancellor and...

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Well, it doesn't matter. I think you may be in a high-risk group.

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Me? High risk? Sorry.

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I think you may have had jaundice,

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which can indicate liver problems such as...

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No, that was just me partying too hard.

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Always been a good-time girl.

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So, is that why you're giving me the hard sell?

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That's why I'm recommending you get yourself tested.

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-I prefer to live for the moment.

-What about your partners?

-They can't help themselves.

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-I don't think this is appropriate.

-I won't tell if you don't.

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And you can't, can you? Cos you're (a doctor).

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What would the vice-chancellor say

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if I told him you'd come to see me specially, all dressed up?

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And...

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I said the stripy ones with the short sleeves.

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And I said a changing bag, not a rucksack.

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I'm hardly trekking up Mount Kilimanjaro with him!

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All right. I'll try again.

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Good, I've got milking to do.

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Great to see you're in touch with your inner cow.

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Suction, nurse.

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What are you doing back?

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HE GROANS

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-What's that?

-This? This is the last time I do you a tiny favour.

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Setting me up with Typhoid Mary!

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-I could hardly go to lunch like this, could I?

-Did she come onto you?

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-All over me like a rash, more like.

-Did you tell her to get tested?

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She didn't give a monkey's about being tested.

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Or infecting anyone else.

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Do you think she's spreading it on purpose?

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Should we tell the lads on Luke's list?

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-Tell them to get tested?

-It's a breach of confidentiality.

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I'll have to change my shirt. Again.

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Door!

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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-So, where were we?

-Way past theory.

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Let's try practical.

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Cream puff? Resistance is futile.

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My Choo-Choo!

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Oh. No, thank you. Have a seat.

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Oh, by the way, Cherry sends her love and congratulations to you.

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I think she does, but Jimmi was in the background

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with a power drill or something so...

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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-Hello, Ian.

-(Have you told him about us yet?)

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IAN: 'What's going on?'

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I was thinking of putting you up after all. But I swung by the hotel

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and you'd checked out.

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Well, panic over. Heston and I have moved back in together.

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-He took you back?

-That's right. Fresh start for both of us.

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Like Dad all over again.

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So, how long till I have to come and scrape Heston off the floor?

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What kind of a mug is he, anyway?

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Does he like being a punchbag?

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Sorry, you're breaking up.

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Oh.

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I'm sure he'll ring back.

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Erm, have you...?

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Have you got anything?

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Are you sure you want to?

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KNOCKING ON DOOR

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It's probably just Luke.

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-Anyone home?

-Mum?!

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Jack?! Jack, is that you?

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-Mum?

-I'm busy!

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-You wouldn't be busy having unprotected sex, would you?

-Go away!

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Jack, open this door right now!

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DOOR RATTLES

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It's locked.

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Mum!

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You get off him right now! You've got some explaining to do.

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Whatever Luke said to you, he's lying. He gave it to me.

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-Gave you what? What's going on?

-You can't tell anyone!

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It doesn't prove anything. It's your word against mine.

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What are you playing at?

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Like you'd be bothered about giving me something. Like all blokes, you'd jump anything with a heartbeat!

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-You get to do the big "I am", but I'm a slut.

-Yeah, actually.

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I might not be around to put the fire out next time.

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Hey! I'm sorry that some lad has done the dirty on you,

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but it doesn't mean you can go around spreading it on purpose.

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It's not some sore throat. It's a serious disease!

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-Yeah? Thanks for the heads up(!)

-Hey, you have no idea!

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It can cause liver damage...

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Cancer, followed by a gut-wrenchingly painful death,

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-yada yada. Bit like my dad, really.

-What, your dad, he...?

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-What?

-Yeah.

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I nursed him through it

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cos he begged me.

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And he loved me, especially after Mum died and I turned 12.

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Got a special present that year.

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Cos I still loved him. Still wanted something more from him.

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Well, I got it, didn't I? I didn't realise till later

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all that special love came with another gift that keeps on giving.

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But at least I know what I've got to look forward to, eh?

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-Er, well, we can help you.

-Help?! What, turn the clocks back?

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No? I'll just have to settle for sharing the love, won't I?

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No, no. Come back to the surgery with me.

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No matter how many lads that you hurt,

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it's not going to heal what's inside.

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We'll see, won't we?

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BABY CRIES

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-Perfect.

-Yeah? And...

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This had better not play tinkly music.

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A little dab of milk on there for Joe

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and he'll be able to smell his mum.

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It's not that cute.

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I can't do this.

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One thing I'm supposed to be able to do for him.

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Look, it's just stress. From the moment he came into the world,

0:20:460:20:49

-everything's been out of your control.

-Tell me about it.

0:20:490:20:53

But he's just like you - strong-willed.

0:20:530:20:56

Absolutely impossible to negotiate with.

0:20:560:20:59

So, for once, you're just going to have to go with the flow.

0:20:590:21:03

Easy for you to say.

0:21:030:21:06

You've had a chance to play at being Daddy for a little bit.

0:21:060:21:10

You know, earlier, I didn't ask about when we could take him home.

0:21:120:21:16

I just asked when I could hold him.

0:21:180:21:21

Oh. And?

0:21:210:21:24

He said he'd try and ask Dr Zafir this afternoon.

0:21:240:21:28

So all we can do is wait.

0:21:290:21:31

But every minute seems like an hour.

0:21:330:21:37

Yeah, but every minute, he gets stronger.

0:21:370:21:41

Hold on to that, OK?

0:21:410:21:44

Yeah, looks like I got my scoop after all.

0:21:490:21:52

Oh, and your tutor wants you to fill in for Luke's rehearsal.

0:21:520:21:55

Shakespeare's Sonnet 147.

0:22:040:22:07

My love is as a fever longing still

0:22:090:22:14

For that which longer nurseth the disease

0:22:140:22:17

Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill

0:22:170:22:21

The uncertain sickly appetite to please.

0:22:210:22:26

Dr Zafir's probably halfway up the M6 by now.

0:22:340:22:37

You may as well take your bags out of the car.

0:22:390:22:42

OK, I'll be back before you know it.

0:22:450:22:48

Marina? You all right?

0:23:040:23:07

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Everything's really perfect. Really.

0:23:070:23:13

I just can't stop saying really.

0:23:130:23:15

It's just made me realise I don't want to lose you again.

0:23:170:23:22

-I won't let it happen.

-Course.

0:23:220:23:24

For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright

0:23:270:23:33

Who art as black as hell as dark as night.

0:23:330:23:38

-Don't touch me!

-Sorry.

0:23:450:23:47

-Let's go somewhere, yeah? That's what you want?

-No.

0:23:480:23:52

I've just been wanting to give you this.

0:23:520:23:56

It's a joke, right? You total loser! I infected you.

0:23:590:24:05

-You must be off your trolley.

-Yeah, head over heels.

0:24:050:24:11

The registrar says he's well enough to be allowed out for a few minutes.

0:24:160:24:19

Hello, Joe.

0:24:300:24:31

SHE SOBS

0:24:450:24:47

Sweetheart! Come here.

0:24:470:24:50

-Glass of wine?

-Yeah, good idea!

0:24:540:24:57

-I'll lock up.

-Oh!

-I'm waiting for Heston, anyway.

0:24:570:25:00

-We've got plans.

-Thank you.

0:25:000:25:02

-Will you bring him back in one piece, please?

-It's only dinner.

0:25:020:25:06

Have a good one.

0:25:060:25:07

Sorry, I haven't got time for this today.

0:25:160:25:18

-I'm not here for you. Someone has to put him straight.

-No, Ian! He's not here.

0:25:180:25:23

Funny, I haven't seen him leave yet.

0:25:230:25:25

We can talk tomorrow. As long as you like.

0:25:250:25:29

I've got nothing else to say to you.

0:25:290:25:31

Please, Ian. Don't ruin this for me.

0:25:310:25:35

I've changed. I have!

0:25:350:25:38

Heston believes me. Now why can't you?

0:25:380:25:41

No! You're not messing this up for me.

0:25:410:25:46

I won't let you.

0:25:460:25:48

You'll never change.

0:25:500:25:53

-You are seeing her again, aren't you?

-I very much doubt that.

0:26:060:26:10

Quite a deep grave. Someone took their time.

0:26:100:26:13

-Avengers?

-Jewish group that hunted down Nazis.

0:26:130:26:18

There's nothing going on with me and Kevin.

0:26:180:26:21

Other than the fact that you've slept with him three times.

0:26:210:26:24

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