Lovesick Doctors

I don't care what you have to promise, I want bums on seats.

The more the merrier!

-Not now, Luke. I've got loads to do.

-I know, but, please...

It's over! I've told you I'm not interested,

and I never will be.

And can we have that finished today, please? While we're still young? And fit(!)

MONITOR BLEEPS

Mary Dixon?

-Jack Hollins.

-Yeah, I know.

Bit of a reputation, haven't you?

The Boy Who Lived? That article, on the murderer..?

Yeah. I'm doing a favour for the student rag,

a sort of behind-the-scenes piece. I heard this Lovefest was your idea?

Uh-huh. I was wondering when you'd get round to doing me.

It just seems you've gone through all the other girls first.

Just keeping myself amused.

Oh, good! I'd hate to think you were bored.

Not any more. Anyway, you could have come to me.

No.

You've got to do the legwork...

..if you're still interested.

Thanks for coming(!)

Getting through them.

Like monkeys through nuts.

Whose idea was it for a Student Sex Drive?

Like they need any more drive(!)

Daniel set it up with the Uni bigwigs.

Along with a slap-up lunch to tell them how it's all going.

Unfortunately, with him being off, I have to go instead.

Oh, my heart bleeds!

Well, you can tell them, after all my HCA training,

I'm now a glorified condom machine.

Their little darlings are at it like rabbits and they're mostly hung over.

Like that one?

-Keep it up. You're doing a cracking job.

-Nice to be appreciated.

-Morning. Just(!)

-Lie in, Heston?

-No, the car...it just..

-It's my fault he's late.

Mission accomplished, ladies!

Yes, I think we have to thank you all for working so tirelessly

-and selflessly behind our backs.

-Pleasure.

-And how's baby Joe?

-Well, he's not out of the woods yet, but he is better.

Good, good. And Mrs Tembe?

She's gone off to Wales with a friend from the church.

Oh, I wanted to thank her for...

Oh, no, I worked long and hard on that smile..!

Get a room, you two!

Better out than in. Do you want one of those?

So, are you here for the sexual health clinic, or..?

I really thought we had, you know, something real.

-And the sex...

-Who's this now?

Mary.

She was really into me. And then she just...

-Then she just dumped me.

-Oh. So you went out on the lash?

No.

I tried talking, but she's up to her neck in Lovefest.

Poetry festival she's organising.

Luke Meadows?

He's in here.

I'm sure she doesn't know what she's missing.

If you'd like to take a seat.

Karen, bring a bowl.

Thanks anyway, Doctor.

-How's Joe?

-Fine.

-What did he say?

-Nothing.

I just asked him when we could take Joe home.

You're not serious? He's way too fragile.

Yes, OK. I've already had all of that from Dr No.

They're just doing what's best for him, that's all.

They are, aren't they?

Except me.

They change his nappies, run tests, do his obs

and I can't even touch him.

-This is not how it was supposed to be.

-Hey...

We haven't even so much as bought him a pair of bootees.

Well, that we can do.

Make a list of everything he needs, I'll go out and buy it.

Keep you busy till you need to express next.

I suppose it would help pass the time.

Come on, then, Mr Hunter-Gatherer!

I've got hepatitis?

Your most recent blood tests show positive for Hep B.

Hence the nausea and so on.

Now in most cases people fight the virus off in a few months,

although some do develop complications like jaundice

-and in chronic cases, liver cirrhosis, even cancer.

-Cancer?

So it's really important you take precautions

not to infect anyone else.

And, you should think about telling anyone

that you've had unprotected sex with.

What if that's why she dumped me?

So how about it?

Can you be a bit more specific?

An interview! You know, a profile of the woman behind Lovefest.

You want me to bare my soul?

Right here, in front of all these people?

Over a drink, then? Lunchtime, maybe?

Maybe not. What makes you think I want to give you an expose?

Blind faith? Hope?

Charity?

(I've got to tell you something.)

There's nothing you can say that I want to hear!

I had a test!

I've got Hepatitis...B.

-Just get away from me.

-I'm sorry!

-I came as soon as I knew.

-Yeah, I bet.

You really think you can cling on a little longer

-if we share some disease?

-Mary!

-I'm not ill.

But you are, aren't you?

Everything all right?

-No, as it happens.

-No, Luke's reading later,

but he's feeling a bit off.

Jack and I were just arranging a lunch date, if we're finished?

So 12:30, the Icon Bar then?

Why not? Maybe I'll give you a scoop after all.

SHE HUMS

Ooh, love is in the air.

Oh, it must be if he's let you loose on his precious lapsang.

I tried to making him a cup once,

back when I was young and innocent, and thought tea was just tea.

Thanks...for everything.

We're just really happy you've given him another go.

What are we going to do for the rest of our lives?

Try wangling some tickets for the Sibelius, at the Symphony Hall?

Ooh, yes. Oh! I better cancel my table for one at Le Champignon.

Well, you don't have to.

Ah, they're engaged.

No, Heston, you could book a table for two.

I thought you didn't like fussy food?

I feel like I'm a new woman.

I'm just thanking my lucky stars that you don't.

What's this?

Sexual partners. You said that...

No, I said YOU need to find...

Dave, and Nigel...

Mary Dixon's partners.

I can't get involved in your ex's sex life.

I asked around and she's had loads of boyfriends.

Some had flu, or thought they did. Some got so sick

they dropped out. So, I'm wondering if I got it from her?

-And you could maybe find out what they had?

-Absolutely not.

But if she's sick, I need to tell her!

You need to get a grip, take care of yourself.

I can't tell you about another patient. Thank you.

Grizzly Bear sleepsuits, three-pack, short sleeve, blue stripe.

A changing mat, oh, and a snuggle toy,

but nothing musical or too twee.

'So the scratch mittens are the blue ones?'

No, those are fleece ones! I want organic cotton.

What's the point of me researching everything...

'You didn't mention organic.'

Well, I am now.

'OK.'

Can we just get on with this please? Dummy!

Hi. Just test-driving my Lovefest outfit.

Hope you've got plenty of lead in that pencil.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah?

-What d'ya reckon?

-Wow, yeah,

probably knock 'em dead. Though that won't be hard.

How come?

Daniel says they're all older than Des O'Connor.

Did you say that jaundice was a complication of Hep B?

Uh-huh.

Say we had a patient, never tested for Hep B,

-might have jaundice.

-Might have?

She came in about six months ago for birth control.

Heston saw her eyes, thought they looked yellow, ordered tests, she never followed up.

Could she have infected someone else with Hep B?

Yeah, she should get herself tested.

Most people infect others without knowing they've got it themselves.

Do you mind, I've got to...?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

That floats my boat.

The endless complexity or pure simplicity of emotion.

Poetry explaining the inexplicable.

The magic of Puck's love juice

in Midsummer Night's Dream, right down to the nitty gritty of teethmarks and carpet burn.

So what's the story with Luke? Love's young dream?

Nightmare?

I thought you were interested in Lovefest. And me.

Yeah. Don't want to queer anyone else's pitch, do I?

You think I'm some bit of turf for the boys to fight over?

Dogs marking their territory?

No, not at all. Poor choice of words.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah?

-'Hi, Mary Dixon?'

-Yeah, it is.

Campus Surgery.

We've noticed that you haven't had some blood tests

that Doctor Carter arranged.

'Apparently you had suspected jaundice..?'

-Did I?

-'Yeah, it's in your notes.'

If you'd like to make an appointment...

No. I'm busy now, OK?

Trouble with the Festival?

The course of true love and all that. I'd better get back.

Sorry, I didn't mean to flip out.

No, it was my fault.

Really. I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

Off the record?

Of course.

It's just that with everything I've got going on,

having an official stalker...

Obsession, eh? Do you have that effect on everyone?

Not everyone.

Walk me back?

Lovefest. OK, thank you. Bye, yeah.

-Would you, or could you do me a tiny favour..?

-Can't stop, lunch.

It's on your way. Just a quick word with a patient, two minutes tops?

The one with possible Hep B?

Yeah. Mary Dixon. She's in the English theatre

and she's organising some poetry thing called Lovefest.

-And why would I want to do that?

-Well, you could get brownie points

for following up on one of Heston's patients,

foiling a major STI outbreak,

bragging rights at your posh lunch?

OK, then. Bye.

Reservation for two confirmed.

And the chef promises to go easy on you.

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

That's more than I can promise you for after dinner.

I can't help thinking with all the distractions,

we haven't even scratched the surface.

But once I get things on track here, we could meet back at mine,

go into things in more detail if you like?

Room 667, Crosweller. Say half an hour?

I'm in.

Mary Dixon? Hi, I'm Dr Tyler from the Campus.

Have you got a minute?

I think someone tried to contact you earlier about some tests.

Uh-huh. And you've come to check me over personally?

No. I was on my way to lunch with the vice-chancellor and...

Well, it doesn't matter. I think you may be in a high-risk group.

Me? High risk? Sorry.

I think you may have had jaundice,

which can indicate liver problems such as...

No, that was just me partying too hard.

Always been a good-time girl.

So, is that why you're giving me the hard sell?

That's why I'm recommending you get yourself tested.

-I prefer to live for the moment.

-What about your partners?

-They can't help themselves.

-I don't think this is appropriate.

-I won't tell if you don't.

And you can't, can you? Cos you're (a doctor).

What would the vice-chancellor say

if I told him you'd come to see me specially, all dressed up?

And...

I said the stripy ones with the short sleeves.

And I said a changing bag, not a rucksack.

I'm hardly trekking up Mount Kilimanjaro with him!

All right. I'll try again.

Good, I've got milking to do.

Great to see you're in touch with your inner cow.

Suction, nurse.

What are you doing back?

HE GROANS

-What's that?

-This? This is the last time I do you a tiny favour.

Setting me up with Typhoid Mary!

-I could hardly go to lunch like this, could I?

-Did she come onto you?

-All over me like a rash, more like.

-Did you tell her to get tested?

She didn't give a monkey's about being tested.

Or infecting anyone else.

Do you think she's spreading it on purpose?

Should we tell the lads on Luke's list?

-Tell them to get tested?

-It's a breach of confidentiality.

I'll have to change my shirt. Again.

Door!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-So, where were we?

-Way past theory.

Let's try practical.

Cream puff? Resistance is futile.

My Choo-Choo!

Oh. No, thank you. Have a seat.

Oh, by the way, Cherry sends her love and congratulations to you.

I think she does, but Jimmi was in the background

with a power drill or something so...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Ian.

-(Have you told him about us yet?)

IAN: 'What's going on?'

I was thinking of putting you up after all. But I swung by the hotel

and you'd checked out.

Well, panic over. Heston and I have moved back in together.

-He took you back?

-That's right. Fresh start for both of us.

Like Dad all over again.

So, how long till I have to come and scrape Heston off the floor?

What kind of a mug is he, anyway?

Does he like being a punchbag?

Sorry, you're breaking up.

Oh.

I'm sure he'll ring back.

Erm, have you...?

Have you got anything?

Are you sure you want to?

KNOCKING ON DOOR

It's probably just Luke.

-Anyone home?

-Mum?!

Jack?! Jack, is that you?

-Mum?

-I'm busy!

-You wouldn't be busy having unprotected sex, would you?

-Go away!

Jack, open this door right now!

DOOR RATTLES

It's locked.

Mum!

You get off him right now! You've got some explaining to do.

Whatever Luke said to you, he's lying. He gave it to me.

-Gave you what? What's going on?

-You can't tell anyone!

It doesn't prove anything. It's your word against mine.

What are you playing at?

Like you'd be bothered about giving me something. Like all blokes, you'd jump anything with a heartbeat!

-You get to do the big "I am", but I'm a slut.

-Yeah, actually.

I might not be around to put the fire out next time.

Hey! I'm sorry that some lad has done the dirty on you,

but it doesn't mean you can go around spreading it on purpose.

It's not some sore throat. It's a serious disease!

-Yeah? Thanks for the heads up(!)

-Hey, you have no idea!

It can cause liver damage...

Cancer, followed by a gut-wrenchingly painful death,

-yada yada. Bit like my dad, really.

-What, your dad, he...?

-What?

-Yeah.

I nursed him through it

cos he begged me.

And he loved me, especially after Mum died and I turned 12.

Got a special present that year.

Cos I still loved him. Still wanted something more from him.

Well, I got it, didn't I? I didn't realise till later

all that special love came with another gift that keeps on giving.

But at least I know what I've got to look forward to, eh?

-Er, well, we can help you.

-Help?! What, turn the clocks back?

No? I'll just have to settle for sharing the love, won't I?

No, no. Come back to the surgery with me.

No matter how many lads that you hurt,

it's not going to heal what's inside.

We'll see, won't we?

BABY CRIES

-Perfect.

-Yeah? And...

This had better not play tinkly music.

A little dab of milk on there for Joe

and he'll be able to smell his mum.

It's not that cute.

I can't do this.

One thing I'm supposed to be able to do for him.

Look, it's just stress. From the moment he came into the world,

-everything's been out of your control.

-Tell me about it.

But he's just like you - strong-willed.

Absolutely impossible to negotiate with.

So, for once, you're just going to have to go with the flow.

Easy for you to say.

You've had a chance to play at being Daddy for a little bit.

You know, earlier, I didn't ask about when we could take him home.

I just asked when I could hold him.

Oh. And?

He said he'd try and ask Dr Zafir this afternoon.

So all we can do is wait.

But every minute seems like an hour.

Yeah, but every minute, he gets stronger.

Hold on to that, OK?

Yeah, looks like I got my scoop after all.

Oh, and your tutor wants you to fill in for Luke's rehearsal.

Shakespeare's Sonnet 147.

My love is as a fever longing still

For that which longer nurseth the disease

Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill

The uncertain sickly appetite to please.

Dr Zafir's probably halfway up the M6 by now.

You may as well take your bags out of the car.

OK, I'll be back before you know it.

Marina? You all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Everything's really perfect. Really.

I just can't stop saying really.

It's just made me realise I don't want to lose you again.

-I won't let it happen.

-Course.

For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright

Who art as black as hell as dark as night.

-Don't touch me!

-Sorry.

-Let's go somewhere, yeah? That's what you want?

-No.

I've just been wanting to give you this.

It's a joke, right? You total loser! I infected you.

-You must be off your trolley.

-Yeah, head over heels.

The registrar says he's well enough to be allowed out for a few minutes.

Hello, Joe.

SHE SOBS

Sweetheart! Come here.

-Glass of wine?

-Yeah, good idea!

-I'll lock up.

-Oh!

-I'm waiting for Heston, anyway.

-We've got plans.

-Thank you.

-Will you bring him back in one piece, please?

-It's only dinner.

Have a good one.

Sorry, I haven't got time for this today.

-I'm not here for you. Someone has to put him straight.

-No, Ian! He's not here.

Funny, I haven't seen him leave yet.

We can talk tomorrow. As long as you like.

I've got nothing else to say to you.

Please, Ian. Don't ruin this for me.

I've changed. I have!

Heston believes me. Now why can't you?

No! You're not messing this up for me.

I won't let you.

You'll never change.

-You are seeing her again, aren't you?

-I very much doubt that.

Quite a deep grave. Someone took their time.

-Avengers?

-Jewish group that hunted down Nazis.

There's nothing going on with me and Kevin.

Other than the fact that you've slept with him three times.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd