And Nothing But the Truth Doctors

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

MUSIC: "The Look Of Love" By Dusty Springfield

Champagne on ice,

two glasses...

And one lucky lady.

Hi. It's the Icon bar.

Thanks.

First date? Yeah.

She'll be here. She's a class act.

Nice one!

She's a stunner, naturally. Smart - she's a teacher.

Looks after herself, works out.

Nothing loud or vulgar about her.

She's classy. Special, actually.

Really special.

The Icon, yeah? Great.

So, tonight she gets the full Kevin Tyler Treatment

-She won't stand a chance!

-The "Kevin Tyler Treatment"?

The KTT. Now, there are five elements to the KTT.

Generosity, humility, flattery...

You've actually worked this out.

-..sincerity, and honesty.

-Honesty?!

Yeah, well, as part of the overall package...

And that works, does it? With actual girls? Telling the truth?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Learn from your Uncle Kevin. Never lie to a woman.

-Well, there's lies and there's lies.

-The truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth. Trust me. Hello?

'Hi! Sorry I'm late! I'm on the way now.'

That's no problem, you naughty girl!

'Sorry?!'

-Jennifer Hill, you are a very naughty texter.

-'What?!'

You know what I'm talking about!

I'll see you very shortly, you dark horse

And she has hidden depths.

I've been getting these messages all day.

Very filthy text messages, actually. Have a look at this.

I don't want to see your sex chat!

I've got a voicemail. It's not sex chat!

'Hi. It's me, Jenny.

'Are you waiting for me?

'Are you excited, Kev?

'You naughty boy!

'I'm excited.'

Oh, no.

What have I done?

I rang Jennifer yesterday.

Arranged to meet her here tonight.

Then I sent her a text. Confirming the details.

-And?

-I started getting these sexy text messages back.

And?

I sent the text to Jenny.

And the problem is?

Jenny! Jennifer, Jenny...

Two different girls?

Jenny is Big Dave's girlfriend.

So, you've got a mate called Big Dave?

You've been sending his girlfriend dirty text messages?

And you've invited her here, for champagne,

with sophisticated Jennifer?

What am I going to do?!

That is not funny!

This Jenny - blonde or brunette?

Kevin!

It's all right. It's all right to be nervous.

-Jenny, look. The thing is...

-I know!

-No, you don't understand.

-I do. I know. This is bad.

You and me.

We shouldn't be doing this, but I am so pleased that we are.

I know you like me. You look at me sometimes, Kevin.

-It's lovely the way you look at me.

-No, I don't.

I don't look at her. Dave's my mate.

And that's what makes it so tragic. Like a tragedy.

You and me.

Looking, watching, needing...

And Dave is so boring these days!

-No, we can't!

-We must!

Don't you see? We can be happy, Kevin.

-But you're engaged.

-Not actually engaged.

Technically, we only announced that we're going to get engaged.

Anyway, I've left him.

-You what?

-Mm-hm!

Let's not talk about him.

Let's not talk at all

Jenny! Jenny, enough!

BARMAN CLEARS THROAT

Lipstick. I'm sure Jennifer will understand.

Understand what? And it's Jenny.

I'm Jenny! No-one calls me Jennifer.

You can call me Jen, but not Jennifer. I hate Jennifer!...

They can't meet.

Oh, they can. Any moment now.

Show me a Jennifer, and I'll show you someone up their own...

What am I going to do?

Just tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

HE SIGHS

Jennifer, hi. This is Jenny.

I'll be with you in one minute. Just sorting out a misunderstanding.

Jenny, Jack's going to call you a cab take you home.

Tomorrow, you're going to speak to Dave

and sort everything out all right?

Are you dumping me?

I'm not dumping you, because I've not been with you.

Just go with Jack. Please.

Yeah, I'll go with Jack.

I'll go with Jack and I'll show him what you're going to miss!

Let's just find you that cab, eh?

-I'm so sorry.

-Loser!

I hate you! Losing...loser!

She's a friend. Girlfriend of a mate.

She got the wrong end of the stick I didn't know what to do.

-Are you telling the truth?

-Yes!

I know this looks bad. But honesty is the most important thing.

I don't want us to start off on a lie.

I don't want us to start at all.

Jenny...er, Jennifer!

Kev, look.

I was looking forward to tonight. Really.

But you're clearly not the man I thought you were.

Let's just keep things simple, and not get involved.

-But I told you the truth!

-More fool you.

'The whole truth and nothing but the truth.'

SOUND OF TAPE REWINDING

DOOR SLAMS

-Hey! Hey, not so fast!

-We were that close to disaster.

-What? Where are we going?

-I'm taking you home.

But we're going out! You and me. You texted.

-I didn't text.

-You did!

Jenny, I didn't text you.

It was an accident, all right? I'm sorry.

I need a drink.

Where are you going now? Jenny!

Jennifer, isn't it?

-I'm meeting someone.

-Kevin.

-He was here.

-Oh.

No, I mean he was here, but he had to go and... He had to...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, medical emergency. He'll be back soon.

-Right.

-He's a doctor.

Yes, he is.

-I knew you'd come.

-Jenny, I have to get back

-You're buying.

-OK, one drink and then we go.

Whatever she wants.

Vodka and cranberry, please

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

The Icon.

Jack! Is she still there?

-What are you playing at?

-Is she still there?

Yes. For some reason, she thinks you're on an emergency call.

-Oh good.

-Which part of the whole truth is that, exactly?

Just keep her there. I won't be long.

No, I'm not lying for you.

-Can I get you a drink?

-No, thank you. I'll wait.

-Kev!

-Dave!

Come here! Where've you been, man? I've missed you.

Oh, busy. You know, this and that. Exams and stuff.

-Sorry, mate. Do you mind if I...?

-Yeah, yeah. Go on.

So, er...

How are things?

-How's Jenny?

-Jenny's seeing someone.

-No way! She dumped you?

-No.

Technically, we are still together.

But I know she's seeing someone.

She told Sian she was going out with me tonight.

-So?

-She told me she was going out with Sian!

-Stupid little...!

-Oi!

She might not be the brightest teaspoon in the drawer,

-but she's mine. All right?

-Yeah.

Sorry, mate. It's just...

You know, if I catch him...

-If I catch the little...

-Yeah, yeah! Enough said.

-Is this a single?!

-We have to go. Dave's here.

-What?!

-Dave's here!

-Oops!

-Sian!

-Oops again.

You told Dave you were with Sian and Sian you were with Dave!

They're brother and sister. They do talk, you know!

-Well...

-And you told me you'd split up with Dave!

-Not actually split up

-Not actually split up!?

I've decided to split up with him.

Look, why don't we just tell them?

Because Dave will tear me limb from limb!

-Sian!

-No!

We can't hide. She's going to spot us any moment

Not if we keep very quiet and very still.

Sian! Sian, over here!

Oops!

Oh, dear(!) I think she heard me.

We'll just have to tell her the truth!

Sian! Thank goodness.

Hi Sian, Kevin and I have an announcement to make

-What's going on?

-It's complicated.

-It's lovely.

-She's hitting on me.

-What?! She wouldn't!

-She did.

-What have you done?

Nothing! Please, take her. Talk to her. Get her away from me.

-She's drunk.

-Tell me about it!.

-You creep!

-What?!

-You tricked her into coming out. Made her lie to Dave and me.

-No.

-Have you been buying her drinks?

-No!

-Jenny, did Kev buy this for you?

-He's lovely.

-It was just the one.

-And he bought me champagne!

What was the plan Kev? Get her drunk? Take her home?

-There wasn't a plan.

-You're disgusting!

Kevin!

Leave him. Come on, we'll find Dave and take you home.

TAPE REWINDING

'We'll just have to tell her the truth!'

Sian!

Hey, Kev. Was that Jenny?

No. You are looking hot.

Really?

Yeah, really.

How hot?

Hot-hot. Super-hot.

-To be honest...

-You have gorgeous eyes.

I've never noticed that before.

That's because we're not usually this close.

No. Pity.

-Your brother would kill me!

-He doesn't have to know.

-He's always trying to protect me.

-He is very protective

Well, I'm all grown up now, in case you hadn't noticed.

I don't care what he thinks.

I know what I want.

And I know what you want.

I'm sorry, I can't! I can't!

Er, I'm... I'm busting!

'Your call cannot be taken at the moment...'

'This is Kevin. Leave a message and I'll get back to you.'

Kevin, where are you? This is stupid.

-Jack, mate, this is getting stupid.

-Call me when you get this.

Just call me, OK? I haven't a clue what to do.

-You've got some nerve!

-Look, mate, I'm sorry.

I really appreciate this. I know you didn't ask for this.

I'm meant to be working here

and this girl doesn't deserve to be sat in a bar on her own

waiting to see if some idiot decides which girl he's seeing tonight.

I'm in a tight spot. I need your help.

Whatever you can do to keep her there would be greatly appreciated.

Get her another drink, some nuts or whatever.

If this is the Kevin Tyler Treatment it stinks, mate.

Sorry, mate. I'm rambling.

-Just...

-MOBILE BEEPS

Jenny's calling me.

Mate, I've got to go. Please, you're doing a great job.

Call me when you get this.

You're a diamond geezer. I'll speak to you later, mate.

I owe you, OK? Call me.

-Jen!

-Go away!

-Don't be like that, please.

-I don't want you! I want him.

What? He's here?

I don't know where he is.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Dave!

He's here. He's in the club. Can you meet me by the cloakroom?

Dave, this could be a terrible misunderstanding

I need you, man. We're going to track him down,

then we'll see about this little misunderstanding.

Right, OK. Give me five minutes.

You've got it.

PHONE RINGS

The Icon.

-Jack!

-'Where the hell are you?'

You can't do this to her or me! What am I supposed to tell her?

Jack, I'm trapped. There's no way out.

Send her home.

What?! You're giving up? I thought you said she was special.

You don't understand. There's Dave. And there's Sian.

Where the hell are you?

Nitrogen. Hiding.

Well, you just fix it.

-This girl's got everything. If you don't make a move I will.

-No!

Well, what are you going to do about it?

OK. I'll face them. I'll face them all.

-What are you going to tell them?

-I don't know.

-The truth, the whole truth...

-And nothing but the truth.

Yeah, you're right.

Kev! Where'd you come from?

-Dave, I...

-I don't even know what this bloke looks like!

Actually, you do.

-What you on about?

-It's me!

What?!

I'm not seeing her! I thought she was someone else!

-You thought she was someone else?

-It's complicated.

-What, has she got an identical twin sister?

-No.

Separated at birth, were they?

You got this sister accidentally mixed up with my Jenny?

-Dave, mate!

-I'm not your mate!

VIDEO REWINDING

'..the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.'

Kev! Where'd you come from?

-Have you found him yet?

-No.

But he's here. I know he's here.

You don't even know what he looks like.

-I'll know him when I see him.

-I doubt it.

-What?

-What?

You know something. You know!

No, I don't!

-Who is he?!

-Honestly, Dave! It's nobody!

Figment of her imagination! In the morning, she won't remember.

Leave him alone! It wasn't Kevin!

-Course it wasn't!

-What?

-Honest, Dave!

-It was me.

-What?

It was me who came on to Kevin, all right?

-So, if you want to hit someone...

-I wasn't going to hit him.

Are you sure you don't want a drink?

How well do you know him?

Not that well.

All those phone calls. That was him, wasn't it?

No.

Liar!

Is he in trouble?

No.

So, it was him.

He's fine.

Well, actually, he has got himself into a bit of a tricky situation.

But he is coming. He'll be here soon.

And where is he now?

He's really looking forward to seeing you.

Where is he?

He was telling me all about you. Very special...

Where?

Nitrogen. It's a nightclub

-round the corner on Plymouth Street.

-I know where it is.

He'll be here any moment. I'm that sure he'll explain.

Come on, kiss me, Kev! I know you want to.

-Stop it. This has got to stop.

-Get your thieving hands off him, you slag!

Thought you were my friend! MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Kevin Tyler.

-She's coming to find you.

-Is it her?

The one you thought you were texting? You and Sian!?

What's she talking about?

Kevin! Not you and her?

'Kevin!'

Kevin, are you there?

'And you called me a slag?!'

That's what I said!

Girls! Stop it! Stop it! Both of you!

-What's going on? Are you there?

-Oi!

That is my girlfriend! That is my sister!

Dave, mate...!

Kevin?

'Is that Jennifer?

'The truth, Kevin. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.'

All right, all right! The truth, OK? I started this all.

Jennifer, I'm an idiot. Your best bet is to walk away.

These are my mates and I've let them down.

Dave, mate. I'm the one you're looking for.

I invited Jenny... But it was an accident!

Jenny, Jennifer. Slip of the thumb.

Get your act together or you'll lose her.

Sian, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on.

It was the first thing to come into my head.

But, you ARE looking hot! I'm just not on the market.

And Jenny. You don't want me. Look at him!

Look at his big, ugly face! You love him and he loves you!

You're a bunch of idiots!

-You what?

-I mean, honestly...

I had to do that, mate.

You can call me an idiot, I don't care.

Call my little sister an idiot and I'd probably agree with you.

But you do not call my girlfriend an idiot

and expect to get away with it.

He's probably going to need something on that.

Kevin!

Hold still!

It stings!

That'll be the bubbles.

Honestly, it was like watching a couple of boys from my class

Nine year olds!

Nine year olds don't punch so hard.

-I thought you'd run a mile.

-And miss all the fun?

You're amazing.

Hold that thought.

-Wow!

-Yeah.

What did you tell her?

The truth.

I told her the truth.

I'm sorry. This wasn't exactly the evening I had planned.

-It wasn't your fault.

-Yes, it was.

I mixed up your phone number with Jenny's.

I accidentally invited her out.

I started it all.

Well, this is me.

Thank you for an...interesting evening.

You invited her out?

By accident.

By text?

Yes.

So, when you called me a... What was it? A naughty texter?

Ah.

You and Jenny sent smutty texts to each other?

-I thought it was you!

-Really?

-No, I meant...

-How naughty was I, Kevin?

It wasn't you, though.

But you thought it was.

I just played along.

I bet you thought you were on a promise.

Did you bring your toothbrush?

SHE PULLS ZIPPER

-Kevin?

-OK, guilty as charged.

But I had mitigating circumstances.

No! Jenny! Er, I meant Jennifer! Jennifer!

THUNDER RUMBLES

I can't wait to see you.

We'll make sure Joe's breathing's OK If that takes another day or two,

it's worth it.

You look like a woman who knows a great opportunity.

I know a cheap sales pitch.

-If you want to wait until you're ready...

-I'm ready.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd