Entente Cordiale Doctors

'We haven't even got a moving date yet.'

No, but when we do, I want everything to be in place.

-It doesn't have to be today.

-Yes, it does.

Cos I have taken today off specially so we can go to the garden centre.

Together.

I just want a quiet day at home.

To do what?

Catch up on the Sunday papers.

You mean sit on the bog for hours on end.

I've just got off nights and you know it takes me a few days to...

-to re-regulate.

-Don't be such a big baby.

-What's up?

-Backed up, your dad's bowels.

-Ugh!

-Karen, do you mind?

-Where are you going?

-Lecture.

Oh, no, that's this afternoon. I've checked your timetable this morning -

you two are packing up your stuff and labelling it for the removal men

and WE are going to the garden centre to get new stuff for the new house!

Oh, good morning, Doctor Tyler. You are early bird today?

-Yeah, I've got some catching up to do.

-Music to my ears!

Here we are, Mrs Tembe,

a cup of Fujians's finest

for Letherbridge's finest.

Oh, thank you, Doctor Carter, that is kind of you.

-What are you gawping at?

-Nothing.

-Haven't you got some, "catching up" to do?

-Right.

Ready to leave in an hour, Rob!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, can you get that?! I'm on the phone.

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, all right, give it a rest!

I'm not registered deaf, you know!

DOORBELL RINGS

Salut.

Karen!

Remember when we signed Imogen up for that French exchange.

We?

Last year we signed up when money was a bit tight.

Then we discussed it and you cancelled, didn't you?

You did cancel, Karen?

I'm sure I did.

Well, that begs the question, why are they here?

Did you find the bathroom all right?

Oui.

I'm glad somebody did.

Oh, no, non, erm... Non fumee...

in the house!

-Je t'ai dit qu'on aurait du aller Londres.

-Oui.

Sorry.

Non parlez vous.

Jack! Immie!

She say we are 'appy to be in your city.

What's up?

MUSIC: "Je T'aime...Moi Non Plus" by Serge Gainsbourg

-Your mother forgot to cancel the French exchange.

-Not now, Rob.

Erm, Claudine, Didier, this is Jack, Imogen...

Bonjour.

-Hi.

-Salut.

How long are they staying?

-They aren't.

-Mum?!

Because your mother is going to call the agency

and clear up this misunderstanding.

Aren't you?

-Immie, this has gone beyond a joke.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-How much longer?

-Two minutes!

Rob!

-This is...

-Sheila Foster!

Managing Directrice of Entente Culturelle, delighted to meet you.

Yeah, has my wife has explained

that there's been a terrible administrative error?

Not on my part.

And I'm sure we can sort this out.

I'm sure we can.

The question is when? I mean, they can hardly camp out in the office

while I sort this mess out, can they?

Well, they can hardly stay here.

Ah, well...

It's very interesting you should say that

because, you see, technically speaking, they can.

As I have all the required paperwork SIGNED by Mrs Hollins.

That is, except for the cancellation form

and I believe, you cashed our cheque?

-No, know I did not cash...

-On 17th Janaury.

Well done, Karen.

The thing is, we don't have enough room here.

That is indeed the thing.

You see, at Entente Culturelle,

we guarantee our clients five-star host family accommodation.

Oh, well, that is a shame.

I suppose they'll just have to make do here

until I can sort this mess out.

Unfortunately, it may take a couple of days.

-Couple of days?

-Cool.

I've cross-checked all the referrals and contacted everyone on the list, bar four,

who I hope to get hold of today.

Good, let that be a lesson to you.

You're hovering, Doctor Tyler.

-I wanted your advice about a patient.

-Uh-huh.

A woman, early 50s, middle class, professional...

-not the obvious type you'd expect.

-Expect what?

Was a victim of domestic abuse.

And you know this for a fact?

The evidence points that way.

And she sought your advice?

No.

Therein lies your answer. We're physicians, not the police.

So I shouldn't raise it with her?

It's NOT your remit.

You see I don't believe that and I don't think you do either.

But that's your advice?

Well, my advice to you is

if I were you and IF I valued my future and my career,

I would think very carefully

before making slanderous accusations based on half-baked hunches.

Is that all?

Yes, Doctor Carter.

I know that it's a bit small and you will be on a camp bed

but it's only for a few nights.

C'est vraiment moche.

Cool room.

Thanks.

Oh, you can't smoke cos my parents...

I hope you two are not going to be sitting around all day

cos your dad needs peace and quiet.

Why don't you take Claudine and Didier out and show them the sights?

I'll bung you some cash.

Done.

So, what do you guys want to do?

'Ow do you make fun here?

Depends what you're into.

Music? There's always loads of gigs on at the university.

And the art's really good.

We've got The Barber Institute and some great installations.

Or we could to the Mail Box...

Demande-lui ou on peut se procurer de la boue.

We just want to 'ang out?

MUSIC: "Je T'aime...Moi Non Plus" by Serge Gainsbourg

Diamond lattice or framed willow?

Rob?

Framed willow.

Do you think two metres is enough?

You decide.

-I'm sure you already have.

-Where are you going? DOOR OPENS

Oh, for... Can't it wait?

I don't choose the moment, Karen, the moment chooses me.

You having a good time?

Yeah.

Well, you weren't out long?

It was...boring.

Is OK if I 'ave shower?

Of course.

"It was boring!"

Oh!

Hello! Foxtrot to base?

I said, "Do you want a biscuit?"

No, thanks. Moment on the lips...

Hiya.

Hi.

Nice weekend?

Yeah, it was good. Yours?

Yeah, great, except for Mandy crying on my shoulder for half of it.

If she doesn't float your boat, then just tell her.

Sorry, am I missing something?

Well, you abandoned her at the football

and you didn't text her all weekend.

Right, Mandy floats my boat just fine, thanks.

Not that it's really any of your business.

She's my friend.

-Doesn't give you the right to interfere.

-Yeah, it does.

It's what mates do, they interfere.

Probably when they shouldn't.

Freya, just, please, just don't mess her around.

ROCK MUSIC

FEMALE MOANING

HE COUGHS

Salut.

FEMALE MOANING

Mrs Hollins?

Sheila Foster from Entente Culturelle.

Hi, Sheila.

'And how are things going at your end?'

-Fine.

-'Good. Good.'

The thing is, Mrs Hollins,

I've received a complaint from Didier and Claudine.

Excuse me?

Here's the nub.

Entente Culturelle promises its clients a fully-rounded cultural exchange.

What, and we're not cultural enough for 'em?

Oh, I don't think they mean that at all!

Although they are from very good families.

Didier's father is a Directeur Generale

'and Claudine's is a plastic surgeon.'

On the bright side, at least they won't be with you for long.

Yeah, how are you getting on with that?

I've a couple of possibilities.

Including a very nice family from Sutton Coldfield,

who would be very suitable.

'In the meantime, maybe you could offer them a few entertainments?'

A taste of life in a traditional English family, as it were?

Right.

Hi, Imogen.

What are you doing?

Voila!

-CLAUDINE SCREAMS

-Monsieur? Please.

-He's crashed my computer, downloading porn and now I've got a virus.

-Is that all?

He's in my room doing it for real!

He's up there, doing it?!

-I'll going to have to change the sheets.

-I'm not having this, Jack.

-Do something.

-Like what?

-I don't know, tell them to stop.

-You do it! I didn't invite them here.

Karen, I demand the right to have some peace and quiet

in my own bathroom!

Oh, calm down, we'll manage. It's only a couple of days or so.

-You having a good time, son?

-Oui.

You know, it's SUCH a shame that we've only got you for a couple of days.

It's not so bad.

I think we decide we will stay.

Karen, I want them out of this house TODAY!

Got any suggestions?

No, but...

if we put our heads together, I'm sure we can come up with something.

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

-Are you serious?

-Well, you can count me out, I've got a lecture.

No, no, this has to be an entire family effort.

What happens if you don't show up?

Well, I'll get a written warning.

We'll take it.

Oh, here they are!

Sit down, kids!

Now, we understand that you would like a taste of traditional English family life.

Well, get your stuff together cos we are going out!

You might want to change your shoes, love.

-Where are we going?

-Wait and see.

In you get.

Il se paie ma tete, ou quoi?

All of us?

We'll have to squash up. Come on!

All set?

# Goodbye, don't you cry I'm goin' to Louisiana

# To buy a coondog and a big fat hog And marry Suzianna

# Sing-song ding-dong I'll take a trip to China

# Cornbread and butterbeans Then back to North Carolina

# Cornbread and butterbeans And you across the table

# Eatin' them beans and makin' love as long as I am able

# Growin' corn and cotton too and when the day is over

# Ride the mule and cut the fool and love again all over

CLAUDINE SCREAMS

# Wearing shoes and drinking booze It goes against the Bible

# A necktie will make you die And cause you lots of trouble

# Street cars and whisky bars And kissing pretty women

# Women, yeah, that's the end Of a terrible beginning

# And cornbread and butterbeans And you across the table

# Eatin' them beans and makin' love As long as I am able

# Growin' corn and cotton too And when the day is over... #

-I'll get the supper on.

-Great, what are we having?

I thought something traditionally English!

-Right, you lot, put that stuff in the garage.

-Righto, Dad.

SHE SINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, come on!

-Hi.

-Hi!

-Oh, you look wonderful.

-Oh, thank you.

What's this?

Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble!

Come straight through.

Ooh, I hope you're all hungry!

Il est grand temps.

Very.

Let us take a moment to reflect on what the day has brought to us.

Just wait a minute!

And what text have you chosen to read for us today?

It's a reading from Descartes' Meditations.

Oh, excellent choice! Off you go, son.

"Of the things of which we may doubt.

"Several years have now elapsed since I first became aware that I had accepted,

"even from my youth, many false opinions for true

"and that, consequently, what I afterward based on such principles was highly doubtful.

"And from that time I was convinced of the necessity of undertaking, once in my life,

"to rid myself of all the opinions I had adopted, and of..."

Er, and that's it. It's a bit of a mess.

-That wallpaper's great.

-That was here when I moved in.

I'm not much of a homemaker, really.

What you see is what you get with me.

"..any light of day,

"should prove inadequate to dispel the darkness

"that will arise from the difficulties that have now been raised."

Right then. OK.

So, we call these crepes, chicken and mushroom flavour.

One over here, lovely...

-Can you catch?

-Yeah.

-Wahey!

-Yummy!

Erm, I only had time for the corner shop. So...

-beer or white wine?

-Erm, wine, thanks.

I hear Kevin's in the doghouse.

Not you as well!

He's a victim of the system as much as anything else.

Tell me about it! Choose and book is a flipping nightmare.

Yeah, but it's him that gets it in the neck again.

They can't see past his cocky-little-sod routine.

-Underneath it all...

-All right, I believe you.

I got some crisps as well, er...

and somewhere I've got a bowl.

Oh, no, no, no, not for me, I'm saving myself for me tea!

What we having?

Er...right...

Er, will...fishfingers and baked beans do you?

Erm, you know what,

maybe I'll just pick up some chips on my way to Craft Group.

Right, well, I'm sorry if I'm not up to your expectations.

I was expecting a nice meal with someone I like.

It's not complicated.

If an empty fridge is going to put you off,

I don't think this is ever going to work!

It's not the contents of the fridge that's putting me off,

it's the attitude.

I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this relationship stuff.

-Right, thanks. Well, at least I know where I stand.

-Mand!

Mand, that's not what I meant.

Erm, what I meant was...

..you know that I really like you

but most of my relationships, they've been...

more, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" than...you know.

So I'm just having a bit of trouble

getting my head round coupledom again.

OK, well, tell you what, you take some time to get your head round it

and if you decide to act your age. Give me a call, yeah?

MUSIC: "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge

You all right there?

Dad, left foot green.

-ROB PASSES WIND

-Ooh, pardonez moi!

THE HOLLINS'S LAUGH Better out than in.

-He's just come back off nights.

-Takes him a while to re-regulate.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yes.

-Working late?

This hovering is becoming a bit of a habit, Doctor Tyler.

Yeah, sorry.

Look, I just wanted you to know that if you want to talk...

-I beg your pardon?

-Well, not to me but to Elaine or one of the...

Do you imagine, I have any idea what you're wittering about?

-Look it's nothing to be ashamed of...

-I'd stop now, if I were you.

Would you, though? If it were me or Freya or anyone else?

-How dare you...?

-These things escalate. Last time, it was a cut on the head...

One step too far, Doctor Tyler!

-I'm issuing you with a written warning.

-What?!

Backdated, with detailed notes why you are not fit for this job!

You can't...

One whiff of this to anyone and not only will you be fired,

but I will make sure that you are struck off.

Now, GET OUT!

-Before I throw you out!

-I'm trying...

-Get out!

GET OUT!

MUSIC: "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" By Edith Piaf

I thought the place was empty. You're not going to give me any trouble?

I always said I would go back to work as soon as he was born.

Not this soon, though.

Oh, hi, Doctor Elaine Cassidy.

I assumed Harry was alone?

How can you be so dismissive? This is our son we're talking about.

I would stop right there, if I were you.

I'm going to walk through that door and you're not going to stop me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd