Crazy Little Thing Called Love Doctors

BIRDSONG

BABY CRIES

-Oh, not again!

-He's going to be the death of us.

At least you don't have to go into work.

Don't you dare play the breadwinner card!

You can nap all day.

-You have no idea.

-SHE LAUGHS

Oh, here we go, the martyred mother routine.

I do my bit, Zara, as well you know.

BABY CRIES In fact, I'll deal with him now.

Did you just grow breasts overnight? He's hungry, Daniel.

Well, can you feed him without making a meal of it?

-Oh, you are so close to being kicked out of bed!

-Goodness.

Good morning, little man.

How are you? How are you?

You hungry?

Yeah, you are! Come on, then...

Coffee for Madame.

-Not sure I want coffee.

-Oh...

Come back to bed.

Oh, all right. You shameless woman.

-What were you thinking before?

-When?

-You looked at me for a long time.

-I thought you were asleep.

-You don't get much peace with me, do you?

-Peace can be overrated.

Don't you sometimes feel like walking away?

What kind of man would I be?

More to the point, what kind of woman am I?

Tender, loving...

Packs a punch.

-I'm sorry.

-The therapy's working, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. I come out feeling like I've won the lottery,

absolutely convinced I'll never hurt you again.

Then I let rip, and I hate myself for failing.

You're not a failure. You're brave for facing up to it.

I couldn't do it without you.

We're in this together.

We've been totally honest.

It's our fight.

We're going to win it.

Come here.

# I just killed a man

# Put a gun against his head

# Pulled the trigger, now he's dead

# Mama, life has just begun

# And now you've gone and thrown it all away... #

SHE LAUGHS

Hold on!

-SHE LAUGHS

-So, how did it go? As if I need to ask you.

-Uh... We stayed up talking half the night.

-Oh, yeah?!

What about the other half of the night?

That, Mrs Clay, is an outrageous suggestion!

THEY LAUGH

I just can't remember when I laughed so much.

She's a scream, isn't she?

-Oh, she has this gift for telling a story.

-Yeah, I know.

But at the same time she's... what do I mean? She's intuitive.

-You know, you tell her something and she gets it.

-Yeah.

Let's catch up later.

Yeah, but listen, there's none of that tortuous explanation with her.

Like... Like I tend to do on first dates, second dates.

Did I hear the word "date"?

Yeah, Freya's been out on a date with Mandy.

-At last! I told you you two were great together.

-Early days.

And, um...

Is it... Well, are you compatible in the bedroom department?

There's no complaints.

I don't want you to think that I'm a pervert,

-but is it the same as, like, a man and a woman?

-Hardly!

No, no, I mean... I mean, does one of you take the lead, or...

-I'll see you later.

-OK!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Enter!

Um...I was hoping to look at Mr Weston's blood results

-before his surgery.

-No problem, this won't take long.

-I just wondered if you'd had any more thoughts on Kevin.

-Why would I?

Since you'd calmed down, had time to reconsider.

I'm not in the habit of making spur of the moment decisions.

-I feel the same way now as I did then. Nothing has changed.

-Yeah,

but if we make an official complaint to the training body,

it goes down on his record, and THAT could jeopardize his career.

So I suggest we go back to Plan A and handle this internally.

-Sweep it under the carpet!

-You know me better than that, Heston!

-The punishment should fit the crime.

-Crime?

I take the reputation of this practice seriously,

even if you don't.

-Why don't you just let me handle this. I'll send him a written warning...

-Out of the question.

..stating very clearly that if he does this again...

This is my last word! I would like to get on with my day. Thank you.

OK. If you insist.

SHE SIGHS

OK, my love, if you could book an appointment with Mrs Hollins,

-same time next week.

-Thank you.

-Hey! Can you, erm...take a look at a patient for me?

-Yeah, sure.

I was just doing a routine blood test, and he mentioned headaches.

-What is his name?

-It's Bourne B-O-U-R...

-Jason?

SHE CHUCKLES

No it's Cyril. Did I said something funny?

Mandy used to think that her dad was a spy.

Yeah, I know.

Because he used to go out at weird times in the night

-Yeah, and she didn't know where he was.

-Yeah, and it turns out that, erm,

he was a night-watchman at the cash and carry.

Yeah, he was doing it for extra money. Pay the mortgage.

-They were a bit embarrassed about it at the time.

-She didn't mention that bit.

Wouldn't worry about it. Should I, um...send Cyril in?

Mr Bourne?

Yeah, yeah.

-Zara, hi, it's Julia.

-Hi, Julia!

I don't know which is worse,

a wet nappy smell or the smell of the scented bag you put it in.

Think yourself lucky!

-There was a time when you used to have to wash nappies.

-Oh, please!

Um, look, is this a good time for a chat?

-Well, I was just about to feed His Lordship.

-Right, never mind then.

I was just going to run something by you, that's all.

If it's about anything other than babies,

I am all ears. Why don't you pop over for lunch?

Ooh, that would be lovely, thank you!

Yeah. Good excuse to see Joe, anyway.

-I'll tell him his Auntie Julia's coming. He will be delighted.

-Bye.

Oh, look at that sea! You know, they've ruined Benidorm.

Behind that trashy facade

is a lovely old village and cobbled streets.

-I'd rather have the Canaries.

-FREYA GIGGLES

Freya?

I'm sorry, it just reminded me of something Mandy said last night.

-Oh, you've been on a date? Lovely!

-Please do NOT encourage her.

SHE LAUGHS Only when you said Canaries,

it reminded me that Mandy's gran had this budgie called Mickey.

-Really?

-Yeah. Only what she didn't realise

was that her husband had been teaching it to talk.

-SHE LAUGHS

-That's not the punchline.

Anyway, so when he died,

the vicar came round to talk about the service...

Sorry, the vicar gave a service for the budgie?

SHE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

No! It was Mandy's granddad that had died!

SHE LAUGHS

So then the vicar sat down and offered his condolences,

the little budgie piped up and said

"I like a big bums!" SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, I'm really pleased for you, Freya.

-Oh, look! Is that the time? I'd better go.

-FREYA AND CHERRY LAUGH

-He's grown!

-You think?

Yeah, definitely. You have, haven't you?

Dear, sweet, little, handsome boy. Yes, look at you smiling!

Yes, you are!

Look at these little fingers, and where are those toesy-woesies?

This is what comes of being raised on the Flowerpot Men, I suppose.

Babies like you to talk to them.

There's nothing wrong with standard English.

"Toe" is a lot less complex than "toesy-woesy", wouldn't you agree?

-Yeah, suppose so.

-Anyway, I'm gagging for some adult conversation.

I hope you've brought some juicy gossip.

Oh, I have, but I just want to see this little fella first.

Oh, yes!

Do you think he looks more like me or Daniel?

Hmmmm...

Bit difficult to say, really. I can see both of you in him.

-He just smiled at me!

-Aaah!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Indeed!

It's only the second time.

Excuse me while I rush to put it in my baby yearbook.

I know, these little moments, these milestones, they're so exciting.

Yes, they are! Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being proud.

On the other hand, it could just be wind.

-Karen, I'm off for lunch.

-Ooh, you've got a visitor.

-Ian! This is Marina's son, Ian.

-Oh, hello!

-What can I do for you?

-I came to see how you are... kind of...

-Did you? How thoughtful.

-I wanted to talk.

Splendid. We can do that over something hot and hearty.

-Have you ever tried Tabby's Nook?

-No.

It's a tea-shop round the corner. My treat, of course.

-There goes Heston's future stepson.

-Do you think so?

Bet you anything you like. Are you ready for lunch?

-Yes, I'll go and grab Freya.

-Aha! Great! She can't escape me now!

CHERRY LAUGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!

Hello! You ready for lunch?

Karen cannot wait to hear about "the date."

Ah! Our resident sexologist!

-Do you know what, I think I'll pass.

-Oh, come on!

She's the one person that would love to hear the Mandy stories.

The ONE person... Do you mean the ONLY one?

No, I just mean that she's always up for a laugh.

Oh, OK, but I want to finish my blog first.

Oh, telling the world, are you?

-Must be serious if she's made it onto One Frank Female.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh, speak of the devil?

-Yeah. Sorry.

I'll, uh... I'll leave you to it.

-Hello, you!

-Hi! How's your day going?

Well, it just got a whole lot better.

-Oh, really? Why's that?

-You know perfectly well.

MANDY LAUGHS

-Um... Listen, I've had an idea.

-What have you got in mind?

Well, I was wondering if you'd come to my craft group.

Freya? Are you still there?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Yeah, yes, uh...

-When... When would that be?

-Wednesday afternoon.

Right, that actually, um... rings a bell. Let me just, um...

I... I can't put my hand on my diary at the moment.

What, you... You need to check your diary?

-Are you playing hard to get?

-No, no, no, no, no. Honestly.

Right, well...

Maybe you could have a look and ring me back, yeah?

-Dr Carter.

-Ah! Tabby.

-As you can see, I've a special guest with me today.

-Hello, there.

-Your favourite table is free.

-Wonderful.

-Um, we'll have tea for two while we peruse the menu.

-Peruse away!

Our hot dish of the day is fish chowder.

-Is it home made?

-Of course!

-Wonderful.

TABBY CHUCKLES

-That's Tabby, the owner.

-Yes, I got that.

Ah, the joys of tea in a china pot. Heston...

As opposed to those horrible metal things with the leaky lids.

-I didn't come here for a free lunch.

-Oh?

-You might not like what I'm going to say.

-Mmm?

-I need to talk about you and Mum.

-Isn't that a private matter?

I know she's been hitting you, Heston.

-HE LAUGHS

-That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard!

I've also made a Sachertorte.

I know you're very partial to my chocolate ganache.

-Do you think we could have a little bit more time?

-No rush.

Your mother is a lovely, caring woman,

and we have a wonderful relationship.

Look me in the eye and deny it. HESTON SIGHS

There we are. You're all tucked up, warm and cosy.

-Ah, lovely, thank you!

-I'm afraid it's decaff.

I'd kill for the real thing, but of course not while I'm breastfeeding.

Oh, look! He looks excited to see me!

He certainly knows his mum!

Not that he can focus, of course, he must just be responding to my voice.

Anyway, we've got this issue at work, and it involves...

It is just so amazing, the mother-baby bond.

I had really underestimated the sheer, uncompromising passion of it.

I know, I remember the feeling well.

You know, if all my loved ones were in a burning building,

I would trample over Daniel and my father just to get to Joe.

-I wouldn't tell Daniel that.

-He would be mortified to think that

he wasn't the centre of my universe. Ooh, ooh...

-I've bought some shoes.

-Ooh, come on then, let's have a look.

Aah! Aren't they adorable?

-THEY LAUGH

-Uh, yes, they are. Aren't they a little bit big for him, though?

For the time being, yes, but I couldn't resist. I found this website.

-Um, I don't think we're going to be eating.

-Why? Is something wrong?

No, not at all, um... Ian has to leave.

Just the tea, then. That's absolutely fine.

-On your way. Don't wait, I'll settle the bill.

-It's humiliating, isn't it?

-I am fully in control of the situation.

-So it is true?

-I don't expect you to understand.

-Try me.

Your mother has anger management issues.

That's one way of putting it.

-And I am helping her deal with the situation.

-It won't work.

-SHOUTS:

-How...

-How can you possibly say that?

-Because I've seen this all before.

For years I watched her do this to my dad...

..and now it's your turn.

Oh! Hello! So the good news is, Karen has gone.

The bad news is, she's scoffed the prawn and avocado.

Stuffed turkey roll, that's all I need.

-Oh, dear. You and Mandy had a row?

-No.

-She's invited me to craft group.

-Aah! You should be honoured!

-You ARE kidding?

-No, I've always wanted to go to that class with her, and she won't let me!

Right, I went to some of these classes at uni, OK?

And stitch and bitch, knit and natter, whatever they're called,

and it was absolute hell.

It's just a bunch of overgrown teenagers

gossiping about boyfriends or Kim Kardashian,

and has so-and-so had the latest collagen implants?

I don't... I don't care!

So what's happened to Mandy being fascinating?

She... She is...fascinating, but...

It doesn't mean her friends will be, does it?

You should be happy she wants you to meet them.

It means that she thinks you're special.

Come on, Cherry, this is so not me!

What if we're incompatible?

She'd blow up over something really stupid, like he'd forgotten to put the bin out.

I'd always stick up for him, but he always made excuses.

It was never her fault. She was ill, stressed, you name it.

Sometimes he'd blame himself.

Once, I was about eight...

I hid under the bed, cos I couldn't stand seeing it any more.

I heard him squeal.

He'd always try not to cry when he knew I was around.

Another time, I found him cowering in the shed.

His nose was bleeding.

He told me not to worry, everything would be OK, just a silly argument.

This is all very well.

What has this got to do with my relationship

-with your mother?

-Dad and I think it does.

I told him about you, that you were a decent bloke.

And he said it was only right that I should put you straight.

Do you THINK I was born yesterday?!

This is a deterrent to sabotage our relationship. You never liked me.

-You'e hostile towards your mother.

-You think I'm enjoying this?!

-MARINA AND I HAVE MADE A COMMITMENT!

And we are undergoing therapy to deal with this problem.

You really think you're something special, don't you?! How long have you been together? A few months?

My dad stuck it out for 20 years!

-I understand her.

-OK, OK, I give up. Have it your way.

-Dr Carter...

-I've told you we're not eating.

Indeed you did. So I'm afraid I need your table.

I'm out of here. I tried to warn you, Heston.

I'm...sorry, Tabby...

I think you should leave, before you cause any further embarrassment.

I... I won't charge you for the tea.

Gone are the days when survival kit meant lipstick and credit card.

Now, I'm packing nappies, baby wipes...

But, of course, you know that. Been there, done that.

Well, beng a new mum, you've got loads of new stuff to learn.

But it doesn't mean my brain has turned to mush.

-Now, I'm going to shut up and let you talk about work.

-Oh, OK...

How's Marina?

-Marina, um... Fine, far as I know.

-That woman is brilliant at her job.

Honestly, I really underestimated what health visitors did,

-but she is a godsend.

-There aren't many around with her experience.

-Anyway, sorry, you were going to tell me something?

-Yes.

-We've got a situation at work with Kevin and his training, and...

-BABY GURGLES

How cute is that?

Oh, no! You're covered in poop! How did that happen?!

You're obviously feeding him too much.

-Joe, how did you manage that?

-Listen, I'm going to make a move.

Oh, go on, desert me in my hour of need!

I'm sorry. It's the usual - too much paperwork.

-Swap you!

-Hey, careful, I might take you up on that.

Mind you, on the other hand, I think I'm going to leave you to it.

Bye-bye, sweetie. You're a model mum.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

PHONE RINGS

-Yes, Karen?

-Hi, Heston.

Afternoon surgery is just about to start and you're not here.

Evidently.

I just wondered if you'd told me you were off and I'd forgotten?

No, it's my fault.

Are you all right?

Oh, lunch has been a disaster. Ian was taken ill

and I had to run him home.

Now I'm feeling a bit queasy, I don't think I should come in.

Aw, is it something you've eaten?

Yeah, I think Tabby's chowder was to blame.

Ah, see, chowder is a posh way of using leftovers.

Probably some old haddock the cat wouldn't eat.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be eating there again.

Heston?

-Yeah, I'm sorry about this, Karen.

-It's all right. I'll organise cover.

Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, bye-bye.

-Heston's got the trots.

-Oh, dear.

Can you and Freya cover between you?

-Yep, we'll manage. I'll let her know.

-Thank you.

See if you can't get some gossip about her date with Mandy.

-She's not talking about it.

-Really? I hadn't noticed.

Well, it's daft. Cos we're all broad-minded, aren't we?

You've got a customer.

Hello, what can I do for you?

Just to let you know, Heston's off sick.

-We're going to have to cover.

-OK.

-Trouble in paradise?

-Trust me, you don't want to know

and I'm well aware that I've bored you lot rigid already.

Actually, to be honest, I'm a little bit jealous.

A new relationship? Very exciting.

Exciting? Yeah, would you be seen dead at a craft group?

I'd give it a go.

But it's all so...girly!

What happened to female empowerment?

You never know, crochet could turn out to be a fascinating hobby.

Come on, Elaine, give me some credit.

Isn't this about compromise?

I don't do compromise.

-Mandy does.

-What do you mean?

Didn't she come to your five-a-side football?

She was probably dreading it, but did it for your sake.

-Because it mattered to you.

-Pile on the guilt, why don't you?

All relationships are about compromise, one way or another.

You can't expect people to fall in

with what you want to do all the time.

OK, if that's true

why can't I just tell Mand I don't want to go to craft group?

Because it would hurt her feelings.

Heston! How long have you been there?

Not like you to make a discreet entrance.

I'm doing pork chops.

What sort of potatoes do you want, mashed or boiled?

-Whatever you want.

-Mashed it is, then.

What about veg? We've got broccoli or carrots?

Or there's sweetcorn?

Hello? Earth calling Heston.

Sorry. I thought I'd have a quick shower before dinner.

-Are you OK?

-Fine. I'm a bit tired.

Listen, I'll open a really nice bottle of red.

Give it time to breathe.

Or is it white with pork?

-I'd prefer red.

-OK.

-Thank you.

Hope I haven't cremated the chops.

I'm always wary of under-cooking pork.

Must say, they look a bit dry.

-You not hungry?

-Sorry.

What's up with you tonight?

Did you hit Ken?

Is that something you have to think about?

You've been talking to Ian.

-You know he's always hated us being...

-So it's not true?

Look me in the eye and say it's not true.

Ken and I, we had our problems for a time.

-What? 20 years?

-It's in the past. It doesn't matter now.

-How can you say that?!

Heston, I didn't lie to you. If you'd asked me if I'd hit Ken,

-I would have admitted it.

-I didn't ask the right questions?

-I didn't want to lose you.

You misled me. You made me think I was the trigger.

I was blaming myself!

Now you know it's not you, it takes the pressure off.

Ken wasn't right for me.

-So you hit him.

-Listen to me, Heston, please.

All those years I spent with Ken,

not realising how life could be so much more fulfilling.

Now I've got everything I ever wanted with you.

OK, we have our differences.

-You like stilton and I like chedder.

-Oh, for pity's sake!

Oh, please, Heston - please don't give up on me now.

Not when we're so close to winning.

I love you to bits, you know I do.

Please don't say it changes anything.

-You don't seem yourself.

-I've never been better.

Kevin, please don't argue with me.

Will you stop man-handling me?

-Will you stop complaining?

-Well, get on with it.

There is no "his side of the story".

Something's come up and I want to know what to do.

-Next thing, you know...

-Cupid's dart had struck.

180!

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