Firestarter Doctors

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy

Not bad, eh?

Let's have a little look round.

There we go.

Nice one.

Right.

-Got the bolts for the front and the back door.

-What's he like?

And remember to knock on the front window in case you want to get in.

-Eh?

-So we'll know it's you.

I know, he's a bit thick.

Right. Well, I'm going to get the best bedroom, then.

Can you tell Mum?

Probably not.

-She's packing my stuff.

-YOU pack it, then!

-My telly?

-We're not moving for ages.

-You know what she's like.

SOUND OF SMASHING Mum!

Can you just TALK to her?

He's going to be sick. Come on.

We'll get him through.

-Dad!

-Jack, I'm trying to work.

-SHOUTS:

-That's enough!

Nah, it's definitely this one.

Yeah?

Yeah.

See, told you we'd find somewhere, didn't I?

We could've just gone to the accommodation office, like everyone else.

Yeah, but everyone else are muppets, aren't they?

How funny was that, getting in, eh?

Yeah. And it's all free.

It's just as well, I'm telling you.

We'll manage.

Come here.

Pretty safe, I reckon.

I bet no-one even knows we're here.

-Gary, mate. Hello?

-Not being funny, mate, but I think I should have this room.

-It's got the best view of the street.

-Yeah, and the best bed.

Both ways, see?

Right to the top.

Seriously, Gary!

Give us a minute, eh?

Please?

No worries.

Aww.

Anyway, who are you calling thick?

Smells good...

Cherry.

Five patients turned up at the last minute. Passed them on to Daniel. He wasn't happy.

Well, it's about time he helped you out.

Yeah, I think Zara was on his case.

No change there(!)

-You OK?

-Yes, fine.

Well, you seem a bit...

-edgy.

-They're going to be here in 20 minutes!

Really? Thought it was half eight.

Jimmi! Ugh!

I love you.

You too.

This looks great.

I've done my best.

And the dessert...

Don't you even THINK about it!

So, err...

who else is coming?

Just Freya and Mandy.

Really?

Yes.

This is our...

first proper married dinner party...

in our first proper married home.

And I want it to be perfect.

Oi!

Bathroom. Now!

All right?

Just going to the shop. Do you want anything?

D'you think that's a good idea?

-Yeah. Meera's starving.

-Maybe she should go, then.

No, it's cool. I'll go.

Look.

I wasn't joking about that room, you know.

Why's that then?

Best line of sight,

escape route, if the doors were to be blocked off.

Yeah? What if me and Meera need to escape?

I'd look after you, wouldn't I?

Wouldn't be the first time.

She does know why you're here, right?

Yeah. Cos we need somewhere to live.

And the rest?

Look, I just don't want to go put my foot in it, mate.

-I'll tell her when I'm ready, all right?

-So you HAVEN'T told her yet?

Gary, mate, please. Just leave it, yeah?

And get some bread, yeah? And some teabags or something.

Yeah, sound.

Have you got any money?

Umm... no.

And some pasta or something, yeah?

Shall I get some cans or something to celebrate?

Yeah. No, get some wine.

Be careful, yeah?

And don't forget to knock, all right?

PHONE RINGING

Sergeant Hollins.

So it could be squatters?

It'll be a nightmare getting rid of them.

They've got so many rights these days.

Caller's name?

Yeah, OK. Go on.

Cynthia...

Greening. OK.

Hang on a minute!

Is that Manderlay Avenue, Kingsvale?

What number?

57?! The one with squatters?!

There's no way they're getting through this.

Oh! Will he think to get milk?

Jed? Think(?)

Is it true you were in the Army?

What, so it's too secret for you to say?

I just don't like to talk about it, that's all.

Was it really that bad?

How long ago?

Two, three years.

What, so you've been homeless all that time?

On and off. Some mates helped me out, you know.

What, they just dump you out on the street?

Sometimes.

That must've been really hard.

What, sleeping in a doorway?

Outside with all the nutters?

It was harder than the Army.

By a mile.

Don't believe this!

Where ARE they?

No, I'm going to wait till we eat. And I think that you should, too.

You look wonderful.

TEXT MESSAGE BEEP

-I don't believe this! They're going to be HALF an hour!

-You're kidding?

-I wish I was.

-Tell them to get a move on! I'm starving.

-I've tried.

Are you sure you didn't tell them half eight?

Jimmi!

There you go. Washing up liquid.

Oh, ta.

So how come YOU'RE squatting, anyway?

Just a problem with my loan.

What about your mum and dad?

They're the problem.

They don't really want me to be at uni.

Or with Jed.

Can't blame them for that!

What?

To hear you two talk sometimes, it's hard to believe you're mates.

I'm only kidding.

I know, but you're both so different.

We see a lot of things the same way.

Like what?

Well, this for a start. Squatting.

All these empty houses when there's people on the streets.

It's DISGUSTING.

So where did you two meet, anyway?

Back round here?

Wasn't that long ago, was it?

What is this, an interrogation?

Is that a secret as well?

Were you two, like, in the SAS or something?

Is he, like, James Bond in disguise?

Why don't you just leave it, all right?

Sorry!

KNOCKING

It'll be Jed.

Wait!

He didn't do the knock.

Look, I know you're in there, so just open the door!

Well?

-WHISPERS:

-Don't open it.

What you doing?

-Open up, it's the police!

-What if Jed comes back?

Do you hear me?

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can. I'd like to come in, please.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

And why's that? Is this your house?

-We are the present occupiers, yeah.

-Are you?

-And you are?

-I don't have to tell you that.

-How many of you are there?

-I don't have to tell you that either.

This would be a lot easier if you let me come inside.

-For a chat, that's all.

-Yeah right!

This is my house! So excuse me.

"Any person who uses or threatens violence for the purposes of securing entry into any premises..."

-"Violence"?

-"..is guilty of an offence." Criminal Law Act, 1977.

Section Six.

That's very good.

But what about Section Seven?

That says that it's "an offence for any person

"on residential premises as a trespasser to refuse to leave,

"having been requested to so

"by a protected intending occupier."

And that's me.

Is this really your house?

Yes. I'd like you to leave now.

-Prove it.

-I don't walk around with the deeds in my pocket.

-How stupid do you think we are?

-It's the truth!

Wait!

Just think about it.

Do you REALLY want to be doing this?

Squatting a copper's house?

Yes!

THEY LAUGH

Oi!

I want a word with you!

What?

Oh, come on.

I just wanted it to be perfect.

I wanted something to go right for ONCE.

-You can't say that.

-Is it too much to ask for them to be on time? Even vaguely.

It must be serious. Freya was looking forward to it.

-They're a new couple. It's honeymoon period.

-What are they doing?

-How am I supposed to know?

-You can't be serious?

They've probably got better things to do than hang around with an old...

married fuddy-duddy couple like us.

Speak for yourself!

They'll be here in a minute.

Why can't people just be honest? We're all friends.

Say it how it is. "We don't want to come. You're completely boring!"

-You're mad.

-It's one thing to your face, something else behind your back. One minute, smiles...

DOORBELL RINGS

-There you go!

-I'll go, not you.

-Fine.

Oh, and we'll start with the soup.

Definitely.

How close was THAT?

You should've seen her, mate.

-She was awesome!

-What did you say?

Just gave him a bit of my legal expertise.

"Criminal Act, blah blah blah, 1977."

Yeah, just did a thing about it last term.

Copper tried to make out it was his house.

What?

Mmm. That's what he said.

Wish I'd have seen his face.

He was gutted.

Where were you?

Right by the door.

Mmm, hiding. With a bat!

What?

You were going to hit a copper? With that?

-Only if I had to.

-What's the matter with you?

-Easy!

You trying to get us sent down?

Well, I can do if you want, mate.

You're an idiot, mate, do you know that?

GUYS!

What IS it with you two?

She is just driven like an absolute lunatic!

How you missed that ice-cream van, I will NEVER know.

Oh, I'm sorry, but they should not be out on the road at night

in the middle of March. I am sorry.

-Me too.

-Don't be silly.

And I didn't get out, in fairness, till half seven.

I had four patients passed on to me.

By who?

Daniel.

He's dead.

This all looks amazing, Cherry.

Yeah, it does. And so do you.

Oh, it's just...

I wish you'd have said something,

-cos I would have put something on.

-Me too.

My ball gown... no, that's actually in the wash.

You're fine.

I'm just glad that you guys are here.

At last!

To our new home.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

EVERYONE: Cheers.

Actually, umm, you guys...

you start.

So how was Mrs Wrigley?

-Just about to haemorrhage.

-But then, of course, we had to check the blog.

Snitch!

How's it going?

Just over 400 followers,

last time I checked.

Which is every five minutes.

HE LAUGHS

-I LOVE gazpacho.

-And it doesn't go cold!

Was it about today?

Umm...

Well, you know the quilt?

Oh, here we go!

Well, I asked my followers...

which they thought will be finished first...

that...

or us?

Oh, thanks very much(!)

You know I'm only playing!

Cherry, d'you need a hand?

Urghh!

SHE SIGHS

I'm fine! It's fine!

Are you going to tell me, then?

Cos if not, I'm gone.

He just winds me up, that's all.

No.

I want to know.

The police are still after me from the riots.

What, in Birmingham?

I was just walking home,

and it was proper kicking off, like.

There were people running everywhere.

It was insane. The cops were going mad.

Yes, Jed, I saw it on the telly.

Well, there was this shop, right?

Beds and stuff.

It was on fire and the glass blew out.

And I was out of it. Like, totally.

I saw the feds coming.

So I got up and got on my toes.

Then I felt this hand on my shoulder,

and I thought it was them, but...

it was Gary.

He pulled me in behind these bins.

And we sat there, watching it all kick off.

The flames and the bottles and the rocks.

All night.

So, umm...

they've had my picture in the paper a couple of times.

No-one's said nothing. I might be all right.

Why didn't you tell them it wasn't you?

Oh, yeah, cos they're going to listen to me, aren't they(?)

Babe, I am NOT going to prison.

That's why I'm here.

Keep a low profile.

-Which is why I don't need HIM acting like...

-Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to scare you.

You said it was because you wanted to live with me.

-I do!

-Because you loved me.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, love.

What? Oh, nothing. Nothing much, no.

It's pretty quiet.

How's the packing?

Yeah, Jack did say.

Listen, love,

don't you think it's a bit soon to be taking the shelves down?

See this?

Send yourself a letter, and it proves this is your address.

Nice one.

So...

how's Meera?

She's not great, mate.

I don't think she's going to stick around.

Shame.

Just me and you, then, mate.

I don't think so.

We've only been here five minutes.

Yeah, but this is a copper's house.

-We don't know that for sure.

-They're on our case.

What did you expect?

Look, mate, my head's done in.

If she goes, then I'm going.

You do know how much I've put into this?

-Finding the place, getting in here?

-Yeah, we all did.

Buying locks and tools and the rest of it?

We'll pay you back, then.

Not just for me.

For you.

It's too risky, mate.

Shouldn't go round burning shops down, should you?

You know I didn't do that.

Do I?

And what about him?

Your new landlord?

D'you think he'd believe you if I told him?

You wouldn't do that.

Maybe I wouldn't.

Maybe I would.

Here.

You're going nowhere, mate.

Any more beers left, or what?

I mean, can you imagine?

Standing outside your OWN house,

arguing the toss with some jumped-up little madam

about squatter's rights?!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

I'll tell you what.

If my wife finds out, Armageddon.

Yes, Jack, what do you want?

Well, tell her to get out of the loft, then!

I don't know.

Take the ladders away!

You're not ringing a taxi, are you?

Can't afford a taxi.

Why don't we just give it another couple of days, eh? See how it goes.

-I mean, that cop's probably lying, anyway.

-Is he?

It's on their website.

So?

D'you do know what you get for arson?

Yeah, but it wasn't ME!

All right. OK.

I might have thrown a few rocks,

but it was just that one night, and everyone was doing it.

I swear I never torched anything.

But how could you hide something like this from me?

I didn't want to lose you.

Look. Look at your phone. What do you see? Look.

There's a massive fire and you're running away...

Exactly! I'm running!

I'm running because I'm scared.

And I still am.

I'm scared that I'm going to end up going to prison for ten years

for something that I didn't do.

We're not safe. They could come here and arrest you any time they like.

-I thought you cared about me.

-I did, when I thought I knew who you were!

Oh, that's lovely, that is(!)

But no, it's Gary that gets the truth round here, not me.

Are you jealous of him? Is that what you're saying?

Of that paranoid psycho downstairs?

-Your big friend?

-You're kidding? I can't stand him!

Then why is he here?

Because I've...

I've got no choice.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just hand myself in,

just to get away from him.

He did me one favour, one time,

and he acts like we're brothers or something.

I just feel sorry for him.

He's a sad, pathetic, weird little parasite

with nothing going on in his life!

He needs help.

Well, THAT was wonderful.

It really was. Thank you so much.

-Except for the nut roast.

-Oh no. I like it crispy.

CHERRY LAUGHS

Well, the pudding will make up for it. I promise.

So, how's Sutton Vale?

Fine.

Oh dear. That good?

It's just the head nurse. She drives me up the wall sometimes.

Yeah, she's like Basil Fawlty on PMT!

We've got...

we've got a vacancy coming up at The Mill.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. Lisa, she's getting married to a New Zealander.

It's amazing!

It's fate!

How d'you mean?

-Think about it.

-Woah, woah, woah, hang on.

Jimmi, tell her. She should come and work at The Mill.

What, just like that?

-I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice.

-Really?

Well, yeah, you know. A change of scenery or whatever.

Perfect!

Yeah! I just think it's a big step, you know?

Dessert.

Yeah, sounds good.

You think it's a bad idea?

No.

I think it's up to you.

Well, no, cos if we're going to be working together, then...

Hasn't done us any harm, has it?

Jimmi?

Jimmi?

So that's it, then?

It's like you believe everyone else BUT me.

Yeah. That's what happens when you lie to people, Jed.

-What about him?

-I don't care about him!

You can't leave me with him.

He's a headcase!

He got thrown out of the Army for being too much of a psycho.

All the more reason for me to go.

Sorry, mate.

-What were you saying?

-Honestly...

JED GROANS IN PAIN

Get back here!

That's the thanks you get, eh? For keeping HIM out of nick?

Putting a roof over your heads? The pair of you!

-Stop it!

-We'll see who needs help now.

Rule number one,

always make use of available resources.

Pair of snotty little students.

Calling ME a parasite?!

Gary, you have to stop it now!

Go on, then.

Make me!

Make me!

Open the door, please. Now!

SHE SCREAMS

We'll enter by force.

SHE SCREAMS

See, it's all about distraction,

covering your tracks.

Now, a bed like that, it's going to smoke.

But when it does go off, boof!

I'm telling you.

Look at it.

Gary, please.

Couldn't riot his way out of a wet paper bag. Survival, love.

It's what it's all about. Of the fittest.

No! Please, just let me take him out of here.

I've already taken him out.

Please, Gary.

Next time, you want to get yourself

someone who knows what they're doing.

A man.

Wait!

-See you later.

-No!

Put it down.

Shall I? Ah-ah!

OK, you. Outside! Out now.

Me first!

Me first!

Right,

you're under arrest for assault and attempted arson.

You don't have to say anything,

but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned...

Get off me!

..Something you later rely on in court.

Anything you DO say may be given in evidence.

7244 to control.

I want an ambulance.

Ow!

Get off me!

Get off me!

-Shut it!

-Absolutely disgusting!

I am sorry, Mrs Greening.

What poor Violet would have said, I do not know.

To think of those... people! In her house!

I'll kill you! I'll kill the lot of you!

Anyway, thanks for the call.

Oh, not at all, Sergeant Hollins.

I'm only too happy to assist the police.

-I'm sure you are.

-Though I do think you could be a little more careful

-in the future about securing your property.

-I'm sorry?

Oh, good grief!

Look, it wasn't Jed.

And that's Jed, is it?

It was Gary. He's insane. He's a psycho.

You saw him. He nearly burnt the whole place down!

I know! My house!

He told me everything that happened. The riots. I swear.

-We'll talk about this at the station.

-You've got to believe me.

-When you give your witness statement.

-I'm the victim. I've got rights.

-Let's not start all that again.

-Please listen to me.

All right, all right!

Just go with the officer.

Jack, mate, how you doing?

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong, no. I was just wondering...

If you fancied doing a bit of house-sitting?

Sorry?

Minding the new house until all the paperwork comes through.

Like, well, moving in.

What do you think?

Careful!

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be great.

-Brilliant.

-Obviously, you can't do what you want.

No, no way.

-I want you to take care of the place.

-Of course.

You sure?

Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

Don't you go blogging about this.

My professional reputation will be in tatters.

Nice puppet.

Unless you want Senor Dedo surgically removed

from your backside, answer the question.

Cherry, she's fine with it.

Her new relationship used for the entertainment of your readers?

-He's got a temperature. Is he going down with something?

-I took him to a measles party.

Get your diseased child away from my baby!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd