Daddy Cool Doctors

"Last Friday, Miss Fit and I

"had our first social engagement as an official deuxsome.

"When we received an invitation to dine at the Newly Weds.

"While Mrs Newly Wed produced a vegetarian feast..."

I'm fine! It's fine!

"Mr NW uncorked wine and followed orders to fetch and carry,

"leading me to wonder..."

Jimmi!

"While there's no longer such a thing

"as a typical heterosexual partnership,

"there remains a gendered division of labour

"where the male is delineated certain tasks

"and the female others."

Stanford Avenue, please.

"Heterosexual couples occupy a world

"in which gender differences are still widely believed in

"and reflected in popular culture.

"However, what happens in relationships

"where these off-the-shelf roles do not apply?

"In same sex partnerships, there is no gender basis

"for deciding who should peg out the washing or mend a fuse.

"Raising the question -

"Do heterosexuals have something to learn from lesbian

"and gay couples about achieving equality in their relationships?"

-Ah.

-I thought you were in Houston till the end of the week.

The conference was cancelled. Hotel food poisoning.

I flew in on the red eye.

Hello, angel.

You must be exhausted. We'll let you have a shower and a sleep.

Just a shower. They flew me first class. Beds included.

I was hoping we could have some breakfast.

-Jean Luc's got a piano lesson.

-When did he start piano?

Today. In 35 minutes. We're late.

Isn't he a bit young?

The Suzuki Method believe in starting as soon as possible. Besides, for the first few months,

he's just going go be observing the older ones learn.

Value for money.

Says the woman who travels first class.

Well, what time do you get back?

Teatime.

We've got club today.

Oh, couldn't you skip it? Oh, just this once.

I can't leave Mellie holding the fort.

She would never forgive me.

Look, relax. You deserve it.

We'll see you later.

'Following the success of The Great British Bake Off,

'we talk to a housewife who turned cupcakes into a multi...'

Nope.

-What are you up to?

-'I'm seeing patients.'

Anything interesting?

Athlete's foot, suspicious mole and a sinus infection.

Sounds riveting compared to my day.

Ha-ha. Why don't you do something with Joe?

What? You mean like go to the park and feed the ducks

with the other brain-dead mothers?

I was wondering if you'd like to take us to lunch.

Oh, I've got a partner's meeting with Julia.

Looks like that's the end of my hope for any adult conversation for today.

If it's adult company you want, why not go to that playgroup at the university?

I'm sure you'll find a superior class of mother and baby there.

I would sooner shave my head.

Look, I understand you feeling apprehensive.

-I beg your pardon?

-It's new to you. You're out of your depth a bit.

I am nothing of the sort.

And it would be good for Joe to socialise

with the other kids. Remember what you said about child development?

-PHONE GOES DEAD

-Zara?

The sooner I get back to work, the better.

Oh. Joe.

Mummy didn't mean it.

Did she?

Is it your first time?

I'm just browsing.

And what's my name?

His name is Joe. I'm Zara Carmichael.

I'm Waldo's mummy. Melanie.

We're a friendly bunch with a varied and stimulating programme

for both parent and child.

Stimulation is what I'm looking for.

We're doing baby Spanish today.

And later, we've an expert coming to give a talk

on postnatal depression.

-Oh, no, please.

-See you inside.

I need a volunteer. Heston's giving a talk on postnatal depression

at the university mother and baby group.

-But for obvious reasons...

-Mothers and brats, not my bag.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

I'll do it.

Seriously, I was thinking of doing female mental health for my GPSI.

Oh, great. In which case, you can do it.

-What?

-Good experience.

-But I'm hardly an expert.

Have to do some revision then, won't you?

Don't worry, I'm sure there's an app you can download.

Good PR as well.

Make sure that you don't let us down.

# If you're happy and you know it

# And you really want to show it

# If you're happy and you know it

# Clap your hands. #

-Gluten-free flapjack?

-No, thanks.

No wonder you got your pre-baby body back so quickly.

-If you'd seen my pre-baby body, you wouldn't say that.

-Yum. Mellie's flapjacks.

Mmm. Sorry. I'm Jean Luc's Dad. Rich.

-Zara.

-Rich is the heart and soul of club.

Before he joined, we were just a regular playgroup.

Now we look at ourselves as more of an infant education programme.

Did you know that 80% of brain potential is developed

-by the age of three?

-Actually I am...

It may look like normal play but, trust me,

all the activities here are child-centric,

designed to maximise your baby's early IQ.

It is very impressive.

So, what do you say? Will you give us a go?

Oh, my goodness.

-Hi.

-Hi. Wow, what a surprise.

It's not a problem, is it? Hello, darling.

Err. Mira, Jean Luc. Quien es este?

Se trata de la momia.

-Why are you talking Spanish?

-By the time he is six,

his brain will have has lost most of its capacity for language.

OK. With the right stimuli now, he could be bilingual

by the time he starts school.

I don't speak Spanish.

You'll talk to him in English.

And when we're together?

I will converse with you in English and with Jean Luc in Spanish.

-Won't that be confusing for him?

-Must you always be negative?

It's just that I don't see how...

Can everyone grab a cushion and get ready for group song?

OK. Look, you know what, we'll talk about this later, OK?

Quieres cantar? Come on.

# The doors on the bus go open and shut

# Open and shut Open and shut

# The doors on the bus go open and shut

# All day long

Waldo's mummy. Wipers.

# The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish

# Swish, swish, swish Swish, swish, swish

# The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish

# All day long

Joe's mummy. Horn.

# The horn on the bus goes... #

-Beep, beep.

-Honk?

-Honk.

-Blare?

Sorry, I don't know the words and I never use public transport.

Hey, you. Thanks for dinner.

A good night had by all.

So, I'm reading on One Frank Female.

"Over nut roast and fine wine,

"Mr and Mrs NW pondered such existential questions

"such as, who should take the car for its MOT?"

It was not a dig at your dinner party.

It's just a launch pad for a discussion

on modern manners and mores.

Jimmi comes across as henpecked. I'm made out to be an airhead.

-Thank you very much.

-It's dramatic licence.

-Yeah, you know that, but what about everyone else?

-No-one knows it's you.

My friends. Colleagues.

-What does Mandy think of this?

-She's fine with it.

Oh, she's fine having her new relationship

used for the entertainment of your readers.

Think about what you're doing.

# La la la-la La la la-la

# La la la-la la... #

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Sudden wave of jet lag.

Been somewhere nice?

Oh. Business, not pleasure.

After a while, every hotel/office looks the same,

-whichever city you're in.

-What do you do?

I lecture in international relations.

And you still find time for playgroup?

Please don't say, "I don't know how you do it."

Because I don't.

I bring home the bacon and he brings up our child.

Modern family.

Economic necessity.

I can earn three times what he made as a sociology lecturer.

How does he reconcile that to his male pride?

Oh, see for yourself.

# De colores

# De colores se visten los campos en primavera... #

Rich didn't give up work. He just changed careers.

He says parenting is a profession, it's not a lifestyle choice.

My partner could do with taking a leaf out of his book.

Level salaries,

but I'm the designated carer simply by virtue of my gender.

Yeah. I'm very lucky.

Everybody.

He certainly throws himself into it.

# La la la-la La la la-la

# La la la-la la la. #

Will you excuse me a moment? I've just got to go and phone my office.

I've told Nigel I'm taking the rest of the week off.

-Can you do that?

-Just done it.

-Conference is cancelled, I'm owed plenty of holiday.

-Great.

What will you do with yourself?

Well, I thought I'd spend some time with Jean Luc.

That's rather short notice.

I didn't realise I had to book an appointment.

I just mean that his schedule's packed this week.

Surely he can spare a couple of days.

-He'd miss his frogspawn passing out parade.

-They're graduating to tadpoles.

He'd miss his movement and music display. Friday's Kumon maths.

And Waldo's birthday party.

He'd be devastated if Jean Luc wasn't there.

Of course, you're more than welcome to come.

Melanie. Would you mind?

Of course.

Oh, dear. I'm getting the look.

Stop it, Rich. I'm serious.

Yes, so am I. We agreed. Equal status.

Your career and mine.

-Yes, but...

-How would you feel

if I waltzed in and asked you to rearrange your work?

It's not the same.

Look. This may look easy,

but Jean Luc is the product of intensive planning and organisation

behind the scenes.

He is a child. Not a production.

Yeah, he's a child who thrives on routine.

He will find it confusing and upsetting

if you wade in and disrupt it suddenly.

Look, you have to trust me on this.

OK? I know what I'm doing.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Oh.

Oh. Four hours and counting. I quit.

-You quit?

-Mm-hmm.

I told the woman in the agency that it's my last day.

I have had it with that woman.

Good on you.

I'm starving, though. What's for lunch?

OK. We have got cheese and onion pasties,

crisps, couple of doughnuts.

They were doing a meal deal at the bakery.

I have just spent the entire morning doing a cardiac health clinic.

-Diet cola?

-Ah. Physician, heal thyself.

Hey. Don't you go blogging about this,

my professional reputation will be in tatters.

No blogging.

I mean it.

Scout's honour.

-Are you finding everything you need?

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh. Not breast-feeding?

-It's all mine.

I'm getting Joe used to the bottle before I go back to work.

I swore I wouldn't go back until Waldo was weaned.

And here I am. Three years later.

You're still...

I've tried. But he's addicted to his milikins.

I'm in awe...

of your productivity.

So, when do you have to go back to work?

-As soon as possible.

-Oh, dear.

Needs must. Mine, mostly.

-How old is he?

-Four weeks.

-All go according to birth plan?

-Not exactly.

Empathies. I started out water birth.

Ended up forceps, ventouse, and third-degree tears.

I haven't dared look,

but hubby says it's like the Bayeux Tapestry down there.

Inside joke. He's dean of medieval history.

Could be worse.

Mariana Prescott's hub's a geographer,

He's re-christened hers Mariana's trench.

How very impolite of him.

-Are you still sitting on a rubber ring?

-Look, no offence, but just because we've both given birth,

doesn't mean we should share details about our vaginas.

I think it's time I was going.

Not leaving already?

We're just about to start tiempo de numeros!

So, now you're gainfully unemployed,

are you going to try for this job at The Mill?

I don't know. Do you not think living together

and working together would be a bit weird?

It's only temporary. We could give it a go.

Yeah, but, my personal life's already all over the internet,

-I don't want my work life as well.

-All right, all right.

Yeah. I got a royal ticking off from Cherry this morning.

Hmm. It was a bit close to the bone, Freya.

Do you mind me writing about us?

I feel exposed.

-I'm sorry. I didn't...

-No, no, no, no. Don't.

Your blog and the way you burn with things to say,

it's one of things I love about you.

-Did you just say love?

-Although, you could afford to tone it down a bit.

Mand, did you just say love?

I didn't mean it.

Thank you.

It just slipped out. Is that bad?

ALL: Hola. Me llamo Senor Dedo.

Como estas hoy?

ALL: Como estas hoy?

Vale. Vamos a contar.

-Uno.

-Uno.

-Dos.

-Dos.

-Tres.

-Tres.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question. Nice puppet.

Unless you want Senor Dedo surgically removed from your backside,

I suggest you answer the question.

I'm giving a talk on postnatal depression.

You?

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, good timing.

-I'm postnatal and I'm getting more depressed by the minute.

-And I am way out of my comfort zone.

-Join the club.

-But seeing as you're here and you're way more exper...

Come on. I don't do mothers and babies.

It's about time you learnt, then, isn't it?

Besides, it's a doddle.

All you have to do is compliment their snotty-nosed brats.

Putty in your hands.

Vale. Vamos a contar.

Jimmi, have you actually read it?

Why are we even having this conversation

if you haven't bothered to read it?

Yeah, OK, I'll speak to you later. Bye.

Hello, Mrs Newly Wed.

Sounds like I missed out on a great evening.

I didn't know you were an expert vegetarian cook.

You must give me your nut roast recipe.

You can never have too many.

Yeah. Sure.

Hi, I'm Dr Tyler from The Mill Health Centre.

Hello, young lady.

-You going to say hello?

-Hello. You've got lovely hair.

Don't be shy about your butterfly. It's nice.

-Hello.

-Hi.

Listen, love.

-About the blog. I'm sorry. I was out of order.

-Don't worry about it.

I shouldn't have made you out to be an airhead.

Well, apparently, you didn't.

They think I'm a cross between Martha Stewart

and Heston Blumenthal.

Even so. You were right.

It's not fair on...

not fair on my mates and especially not fair on Mandy.

So, One Frank Female, I think,

-is going to take a back seat for a while.

-BEEP

Ah! Ah-ha. An email asking for my gazpacho recipe. Ha-ha.

Right, well, that was it. So...

-Bye.

-Bye.

I can't stress enough that the most important step

in treating PND is recognising the problem

and then taking action to deal with it.

The support and understanding of your partner, your family

and your friends can play a big part in your recovery.

I notice you haven't touched on PPND.

I'm not sure I'm familiar with...

There's a surprise.

A shining example of NHS gender discrimination

-and a lack of resources.

-Do you mean paternal postnatal depression?

Oh, right. Male PND.

Yeah, shoot. What do you want to know?

An article in the International Review of Psychiatry

attributed psychiatric morbidity amongst fathers

during the postnatal period

to changes in gender roles in the last 30 years.

What's your opinion?

Well, it is more widely recognised, nowadays.

No. No, I'm asking, do you agree that PND in both sexes

is similarly psycho-social in origin?

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to give an opinion on that.

How many patients have you treated personally with PPND?

Personally?

None.

-And how long have you been in practice?

-I'm still a GP registrar.

Oh, in other words, you aren't really qualified at all.

-Thank you for coming. Very informative.

-My pleasure.

He's got a temperature. Do you think he's coming down with something?

Could be. I took him to a measles party last week.

A measles party?

In that case, he should be quarantined.

Spare us the nanny-state propaganda.

We all know that the vaccination programme is a major source

of income for the primary care sector.

Measles is a very serious disease which kills and maims

thousands of children every year.

Measles? Who's got measles?

He might have measles.

Get your diseased child away from my baby!

Well, if it isn't One Frank Female.

I loved today's blog, by the way. Very thought-provoking.

-You read it?

-A tip-off from my niece.

It did my street cred no end of good when I told her I knew the blogger.

I can't believe strangers are talking about my blog.

I don't see why. There's a real gap in the market

for fresh, honest writing. Can't wait for the next instalment.

Thank you!

Overreacting!

What sort of ignoramus brings an infectious child

into a room full of babies?

Measles is a normal childhood disease, OK?

It toughens their immune system.

You stupid man. What about side effects?

Blindness, pneumonia, hepatitis, meningitis?

Although, thankfully, those side effects are rare.

So there's no need to panic.

No need to panic! Joe is four weeks old and premature.

Measles could be fatal.

Joe will still have residual immunity from you.

-I'm sure he'll be fine.

-What about the older ones?

Keep them at home. If they show any symptoms, contact your GP.

That's it? We just have to wait and see.

No. You don't. Jean Luc hasn't got measles.

He was vaccinated six months ago.

PHONE RINGS

When I took him for his check-up.

The doctor said they were due. I said "do it."

Oh. Without telling me?

You'd already made your views quite plain.

-I meant, without discussing it.

-I didn't have time to discuss it.

I barely have time to talk to you.

We talk daily.

Skype doesn't count.

And when I am at home, I feel like a visitor in my own family.

Now you're just being paranoid.

You know Jean Luc's first words? Bye bye.

Yeah. He was polysyllabic at 11 months.

Well, that makes it all right then, doesn't it?

Have you any idea how bitter you sound?

Equal partnership. Your words.

I want my fair share of his childhood.

I'm going to take a sabbatical until he starts school.

Now, if we tighten our belts and you go back to work,

we can manage on what you earn for a while.

Oh. Now it's coming out. So you're jealous of my parenting skills.

Parenting skills?

You deliberately exposed your kid to a killer disease.

Not to mention the children around him.

Waldo isn't vaccinated. I thought everyone else would be.

You're just jealous because Jean Luc is the most advanced child in his peer group.

In my opinion, he's hyperactive and overstimulated.

No-one is asking you.

Do you think a few weeks of being a parent makes you an expert?

No, but eight years as a doctor hasn't gone amiss

and you don't need to be a GP to know

that babies don't need all this stimulation.

They need food and warmth and love.

It's been an entertaining few hours, but I won't be rushing back.

Oh, and I also know that it's impossible for two blue-eyed parents

to have a brown-eyed child.

"A wise woman once said, 'Learn the wisdom of compromise,

"'for it is better to bend a little than to break.'

"Is this prerequisite when a relationship advances into a union?

"The act of joining together to form a whole."

What was all that about?

Ah. Mummy just told that smelly man a big, fat lie.

But he deserved it.

Julia's going to kill me. He thought I was a complete amateur.

Your talk was competent, if a little uninspired.

And it was me behaving like some deranged tiger mother,

whilst you were dealing with a very tricky situation

with a certain amount of authority.

Thanks. I think.

So you'll tell Julia?

Hell, no. Listen, Tyler.

No-one, and I mean no-one, finds out that I was here today.

And if they do,

I have ways to hurt you that you cannot even imagine.

Do I make myself clear?

-Crystal.

-Good.

-Where are you headed?

-We're off to feed the ducks.

-Can I come?

-If you must.

"Does being a couple mean you have to put your single self

"on the shelf?"

-Oh.

-Hey.

-You're early.

-Yeah.

What?

-We went to feed the ducks.

-Did you have a good time?

It was lovely.

Not one word.

"Sometimes a little bending is all that's needed. Then again,

"at what point in a relationship does the art of compromise

"become compromising?"

What's happened to our generator?

It's not working. We've got no computer, no phones.

I am not having phone sex with you.

Oh, go on. You know you want to.

I've always gone for older men.

They know what they want and how to get it.

Everybody's always picking on you, wanting to start a fight.

Everything I've got, I've had to take, and I'm not stopping now.

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