Puff Doctors

Age inappropriate or what?

Excuse me!

I thought I looked all right.

The older you get, the lower your hemline should be. In my day...

In your day what? It was all right to be an ageist body fascist?

I'm only saying.

-If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

-What?

-So I should let your mother make a fool of yourself?

-I'm not a fool!

-You've got to admit!

-What?!

-You know.

What?

-Bit mutton.

-I was having fun!

Remember fun?

Yeah, yeah. Course you were.

But you're more of a chocolate and chick flick girl these days, aren't you?

At least I can still have a laugh!

I'd rather be embarrassing than a boring old far...

I forgot!

Oh yeah, you forgot it's results day.

I did!

How come you're so chilled out?

Are you all right?

I over-boogied! I did shots.

Rock on, sister!

What?!

Crawler.

Can I help it if I'm a people person?

Ah, rock off, you creep.

Thirsty work.

Oh!

Oh! Thanks for that.

There should be a law against beetroot.

The rest of the carpet's going to look a bit shabby once this is gone.

Unsightly.

Still, the Japanese believe damaged things have more history

and are therefore more beautiful. They would make a feature of it.

I would like you to clean the whole carpet.

After all, we are not Japanese.

I can do that.

I wonder if I could ask your advice.

I had a lodger who liked to take his cocoa in bed.

He was a dribbler.

How disgusting!

-The machine I hired from the dry cleaners...

-Useless?

It smelt of cats.

I shift cocoa.

How much?

50 quid.

It is only a small room.

Cash and I'll throw in your hall, stairs and landing. Cocoa? Beetroot? No problem.

-And I work evenings, shall we do it tonight?

-Tonight?

OK. Yes.

PHONE RINGS You better get that.

Hiya. Where are you?

Home. Charlotte's mum dropped me off.

'How long before you get here, then?'

Where's here?

'The Mill Surgery.'

Can I get a taxi?

If you have to. We've got a long day ahead of us. I've just picked up another job for tonight.

I'll order a cab before I jump in the shower.

You've not had your shower yet?

Laters.

Rob's right.

What? Why?

Because Rob wants to go on a Saga holiday and join the National Trust?

If you Google mutton dressed as lamb, you get a picture of me.

Don't be silly.

I'm a member of the National Trust!

-So am I, but we had a laugh, didn't we?

-We did shots!

Baaa! Mutton.

Rock concerts, rock climbing, country pubs and country fairs, I want it all.

I won't be defined by a number.

Exactly!

We can be cutting edge, we can be cosy, we can be whatever we want.

I'm not that kind of a woman that won't go into a pub without male company,

and drink Babycham and sweet sherry.

I'm not into drinking pints.

But you could if you wanted to.

What do you say? Tonight? Bit of a yomp, find a pub, conversation,

real ale, half a pint, one of those homemade pies in an oval dish with puffy pastry on the top.

That comes from a central warehouse.

OK, but if that bar is full of yokels...

I'll drive.

Fine. So tonight is going to be cosy and conventional, which will be...

< Get in, you beauty!

Back of the net! # Aced it! I fudgin' aced it...

# Aced it! I fudgin' aced it Aced it! I fudgin' aced it! # Yeah!

Apparently, he fudgin' aced it.

Anything you need anything at all, you call me, OK?

-Results are out!

-Oh.

MANDY SQUEALS

What's your password?

"I kick Kevin's ass" - lower case, all one word.

-Oh, I can't look.

-Come on!

THEY GIGGLE

So?

That can't be right, hold on.

That can't... That can't be right.

Blip?

Blip!

Erm, I haven't failed an exam since I was in the first year.

That was a blip cos it didn't matter but this, this is bomb blast.

How did you know the results were out?

Kevin.

Tell me.

He did really well.

Great.

Yeah, that's really great...

I'm really happy for him.

-I wish I was a hat person.

-Such a pity you're not.

All aboard!

I took my eye off the ball for one second and the gods poke me in it,

so...how is this fair?

Oi, oi, oi! Look, this is a set back, yeah? It's not a disaster.

You'll retake and you will pass.

-You were born...

-It's not that simple.

..to be an amazing doctor.

And you will be supported.

KEVIN WOLF WHISTLES

Don't let me stop you.

Oh, course, have you come to gloat?

-Come on in. Come on, come on in.

-Gloat? No.

I was perving over the girl-on-girl action. Why, what's there to gloat about?

-As if you don't know.

-Know what?

Hey, you, what's up?

Tell me.

She has to resit.

Ah, man. I'm sorry.

-Is there anything I can do to help?

-Freya will be fine.

I'll make sure she's fine, thank you.

I'm fine, I just, erm...

-..I can't face anyone right now.

-OK, are you going home?

OK, well, I'll keep an eye out and let you know when the coast's clear.

Here, you take that, that'll get you back in the game.

And that's real champagne, it's none of that Cava!

My advice, you give the fizz some wellie.

Oh, come here.

-FREYA CRIES

-Oh, baby.

Oh, see, it is raining!

If you really can't bear the thought of a few spots of rain...

Well, if I had a hat...

We can go straight to a pub.

-Good!

-Or I could drive to the seaside and we can play slot machines, if you like?

Pub's fine.

Ah!

-Ow!

-What?

I've got something in my eye!

Don't rub it.

Hang on, hang on.

Somewhere in my bag I have just got a packet of...tissues?

-That's a spliff.

-Julia!

I didn't put it there!

Giggle weed? Goofy boots!

Julia, you didn't?!

Well, no, this had been in my bag all day!

I'm a drugs mule!

It looks very professional.

Where'd you get it from?

Obviously somebody put it in my bag last night.

Oo-er, missus! What did you have to do to get that?

-I didn't do anything.

-It's a gift?

Well, I mean, it would be rude not to accept a gift?

It's drugs, Elaine!

Oh, hello! It's not even VERY illegal any more.

Just a puff?

A taster to say we'd done it.

Yeah, but what if it's that skunk stuff?

-It could make us all go a bit funny.

-It's supposed to!

THEY LAUGH

-Ah, hello!

-Everything all right?

-I just wondered if you would like a hot drink?

-Oh, that'd be lovely!

Now, I've got this eco-friendly solution that'll shift that cocoa

but, honestly, apart from those spots,

I don't think I've ever been asked to clean carpets that are well...

-so clean!

-Thank you.

-Coffee?

-Black.

You do realise that your daughter is still outside?

Oh, yeah, she's a white with two sugars.

Laters.

I have just put the kettle on.

White with two sugars, please.

-Beating around the bush will only help to fan the flames.

-Pardon?

-So I am going to tell you what I think.

-Right.

I think you should spend less time talking on your telephone

and more time helping your mother.

She has just moved all this equipment

and now she is moving furniture.

She'll shout me if she needs me.

Maybe you should see if she needs help BEFORE she has to shout!

I'll just get something from the van and then I'll be in.

Thank you.

This is definitely one of the baddest things I'VE ever done.

It's not the baddest thing I've ever done.

I once performed a sexual act in an art gallery.

THEY GASP AND LAUGH

Julia, where've you done it?

An art gallery's nothing, I once...

Oh, no, you have got to promise,

-both of you, that you will never, ever, ever...

-Oh, no, wait!

It's like that thing that happened on the...on the telly...

Damn good puff.

-That show?

-Erm...Mr and Mrs!

I remember that!

-# Mr and Mrs be nice... #

-Or it's Urban Myth...

# Mr and Mrs love one another... #

"Herbert, you stay with me

" and Nancy you go through to the soundproof booth."

Did I watch that show?

Let her talk!

So, Herbert, right, is asked,

"Where's the most embarrassing place...

"was that you've ever made love to your wife was?"

-Was it with celebrities?

-Shush!

So, Nancy is in the soundproof booth, with the glittery headphones on,

and her husband's giving it all,

"Well, the most embarrassing place I've ever made love to my wife

"was on the mother-in-law's sofa."

-We've all done that?

-Shush!

THEY LAUGH

So, when she comes out the booth

she's got to give the same answer as her husband

to win a speedboat, or whatever it was.

Lawn mower.

Whatever!

THEY GIGGLE

So, right, she's dead embarrassed and the bloke, the presenter bloke,

he wants an answer!

So, she thinks for a bit, and giggles, and says "Up my..."

OWL HOOTING

THEY GIGGLE

KNOCK ON DOOR

I've got to pop back to the yard, will you be long, love?

-Five minutes.

-OK!

Better get this champagne on ice then.

I'm going to go and have a bath.

Where is your mother?

She's had to go back to the yard for something.

There is a smell in my bathroom.

I may have been born at night but I was not born last night.

Do what?

Ganja.

That is what my bathroom smells of.

That and eau de toilette given to me at Christmas

by a dear friend and colleague.

Nah, I got some body spray off the market

it's a bit herbal but I like it.

Oh, show it to me.

-I finished it.

-Oh, please, do not compound your offences with lies.

I know what my bathroom smells of and I know what you have been doing.

Sorry.

Does your mother know that you are a drug user?

I'm not! That was the first time. Are you going to tell her?

Do you even know what cannabis is?

A herb?

Cannabis is an entry level drug.

When you see a man lying in the street,

wet from his own vomit,

soaked in his own urine...

that man, that...poor lost addict,

has been smoking marijuana cigarettes.

I won't do it again, I haven't got another one -

please, don't tell my Mum.

They use hydroponics to grow it.

It is genetically modified.

It reduces mental capacity and inhibits learning.

-I'm really sorry.

-Not to mention the profits from its evil trade

being used to finance sex trafficking and terrorism.

Now, do you really want prostitutes and Semtex on your conscience?

Do you?

Do you promise me that this will be the last time you will smoke?

-Yes.

-You promise me?

Please, don't tell her.

Very well, IF I have your word.

You do.

Open.

THEY GASP

Mmm.

Open.

Mmm.

I'd forgotten how good chocolate is.

We need more chocolate.

And Hula Hoops.

Ladies, seatbelts.

Whoop!

THEY LAUGH

Slow down, slow down.

Are all your lights working?

I don't know!

Still too fast.

Act natural.

-Now I'm stuck in this boring house ALL day...

-You!

Got to go. That's not mine!

You lazy, spoilt, ungrateful little sod!

This is a customer's house!

I'm only here cos I'm doing this scuzzy job in this scuzzy house for you!

For me? This is business.

You think you're some sort of fantastic entrepreneur?

You scrub other peoples' mess up! Please.

What is going on here?

Nothing. A minor disagreement.

-Menopause, more like.

-You want to know what the matter is?

I have a self-centred cow for a daughter, that's what!

Mother, customer's house(!)

I have tried so hard to build up this business!

Like you're so wonderful with your Chamber of Commerce meetings -

don't make me laugh!

All her life I've tried to be a good role model and now look.

-You're a cleaner, am I REALLY supposed to be impressed?

-What?

Ladies, please!

I've worked all the hours God sends to keep you in the lap of luxury and what do you do?

She managed a couple of piddling GCSEs

-and she FAILED all her A levels.

-Because you never made me go to school.

Cos you thought you were so clever you didn't have to!

-You should never have had children...

-If you are going to shout and argue in my home,

-then you are inviting me to speak my mind.

-Fine. Do.

When I tried to make her go to school she screamed and kicked. What d'you think of THAT?

-So?

-And once she'd stuffed up her A levels did she enrol to do retakes?

I thought about it.

No, she stayed in bed smoking her wacky backy with her friends,

whilst her embarrassing scrubber of a mother handed her everything on a plate.

Is this right? You allowed your daughter to smoke drugs?!

I didn't enrol cos SHE wouldn't take me!

-Would it have killed you to have got on a bus?

-Two buses!

You've got no idea. Yes, I let her but, quite frankly, nobody could have stopped her.

I have heard enough!

Evening, madam.

Can I help you, officer?

Can you tell me what the speed limit is on this road?

60 miles per hour is the national speed limit

for a single carriageway road -

unless signed differently.

Was it signed differently, officer?

You were travelling at less than ten miles an hour.

Please, step out of the car, ladies.

-I think we need to get to the bottom of this.

-Bottom.

THEY GIGGLE

'You know what I think?'

I think we don't think about revising

or resitting or any of the "re" words.

I think we could just chill out. Tomorrow's tomorrow.

I'm staying in here for the rest of my life!

MANDY LAUGHS

OK.

You know you've got a basic misunderstanding

of immersion therapy there, right?

Don't care.

Oh, well, is there anything you need?

If you decide to embrace a towel later?

-Chips.

-Pardon?

Chips.

Did you just say you want a bag of chips?

Chippie chips.

Right, and are you going to get out of the bath if I get you chips?

-You cannot ignore your responsibilities...

-She does.

..and neither can you. You are not a child

and you cannot blame your mother for all your failings.

Do you not care for each other at all?

She should have gone to school.

And you should not have allowed her to smoke anything in your home.

And you,

you are a grown woman who should be ashamed

of the way you have abused your mother's love.

I hate cleaning carpets.

You should see some of the filth and of the creeps and cretins...

What else can you do?

-I wanted to do marketing.

-What?!

Then you need to rethink your habits and your attitude.

See if your mother is willing to support you in your quest to get qualifications.

It is all my fault.

In Africa they say children will hate all those who give all things to them.

Thankfully this can be corrected.

Can it not, young lady?

I could resit my A levels?

And are you willing to support her?

She knows I'd support her in anything.

Support her properly?

Yeah.

And you will stop exploiting your mother's soft nature

and stop smoking that poisonous weed?

Good.

Then the airing of tonight's dirty laundry has not been pointless.

Leave it to me, I know how to work the Dibble.

JULIA LAUGHS

Oh...

(What if Rob catches us?)

-He won't he's not on duty.

-Lucky! Where is he?

He's got a list, he's doing a big shop.

Hey! Phew, lucky dude!

You three, interview room. Now!

You still in the bath?

No, I'm in here.

MUSIC: "Love Is A Losing Game" By Amy Winehouse

Are you all right?

Listen...I've been thinking...

..I know what I want.

Well, it better not be a chicken and mushroom pie

cos I've already got you a piece of fish now!

Would you come down here, please?

This is me trying to be all insightful and romantic, thank you.

I don't need champagne and chips to make me feel better.

Cos I am better.

I'm better than I've ever been...and that's cos of you.

Are you going to resit your exams?

Yeah.

Cos, you see, I've got this amazing support network.

Yes, you have.

-Still having chips though, right?

-Too right!

MANDY LAUGHS

Thank you.

No, thank you. We needed our heads banging together!

-No, no, it was no trouble!

-I'm sorry about the perfume.

As long as you promise to look after your mother.

Right.

We could cook tonight.

We could, couldn't we?

I'm waiting.

You're supposed to be at the Co-op.

Anyway it's not illegal.

Yes, it is.

And now there is an official warning under your name

-on all government databases and in CRB checks.

-Rob, I...

We'll hear from you later, Mrs Smile-and-Look-Natural.

-Oh, come on...

-Do you want to say something? Really?

No.

It was just one little joint.

Do you want to know the stats on RTCs and substance abuse?

I'm so sorry I never thought about driving under the influence.

I was a bit high. I just did it.

Dealers target wet-behind-the-ears fools like you

and sometimes they even put opiates in the grass

to make it that extra bit more-ish so the mugs come back for more.

-I can't handle opiates!

-You smoked that!

What's in it?

It went to the lab and then we sent it straight to the canteen.

"The Canteen," what's...? Is that some big drug thing?

-What's the canteen?

-It's like off The Wire, right?

-What do you mean?

-It means that it wasn't cannabis...

it was tarragon.

You got high on a culinary herb.

THEY LAUGH

So... In point of fact,

-we haven't actually done anything wrong, have we?

-No.

You weren't stoned, you were stupid.

And you haven't done anything that I can charge you with

because being thick and embarrassing isn't an offence!

Get out of my sight.

-It was only tarragon.

-Yeah, so you only thought you were off your face.

Real cool, real mature.

-Oh, shove it up your...

-Whoa!

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, it was well boring. One minute.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

So, we cookin' on gas, or what?

Hang on.

I fancy chips.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, we can cook tomorrow?

OK, well, I'll go get them.

Mum!

Don't go Big Frank's, their curry sauce is minging.

Listen, I've got to stay in a couple of nights,

my mum's being 'really special',

but she doshed me up so can you drop off 50 quid's worth in the morning?

-You're kidding, aren't you?

-What?

After the embarrassment you and your friends caused me?

I said I was sorry.

Cos they loved it down at the station!

Was I having Camberwell Carrot soup for my tea?

Was I going to listen to the Doobie Brothers on the way home from work?

I ran you a bath.

You act like a kid, you get treated like a kid. So, off you pop.

Seriously, Rob? SERIOUSLY?

Go and sleep in our Jack's bed and think about what you've done!

There's a house in Kingsvale being used as a brothel.

It'll be a curtain twitcher who's got the wrong end of the stick.

Oi, Matty. What did I tell you?

-You're not a kid any more...

-So stop treating me like one.

20 is the rate for a couple,

it'll be another tenner per additional occupant.

Never mentioned that when I booked.

My girlfriend's in labour but the ambulance won't make it.

OK... Right, erm...

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