Pants on Fire Doctors

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

So I'll call you as soon as I get there, OK?

Miss you lots.

Hey!

Oh! Careful!

-Thank you.

-My pleasure.

-Laney!

-Sophie, I'm so sorry. Traffic was...

-Sorry I'm late.

-Aren't you going to introduce me?

-Josh Reynolds.

-I don't...

-I'm Sophie, Elaine's sister.

-Elaine?

-She's the older sister.

-Not that much older.

-Liar.

-I don't lie!

-Not very well!

-Ladies.

You'll excuse me. I have several newspapers to catch up on.

-I've never met him before in my life.

-OK, I believe you.

Come on, then. What's the occasion?

Do we need an excuse?

-No, of course not. It's been too long.

-Far too long.

-So how are you?

-I'm good.

-Can we do all of these?

-Whatever you want. My treat.

Oh, it's so good to have a day... Just to have a day here.

-Look at this place!

-Have you seen any of the others recently?

Um, Emma-Jane a few months back. No change there!

And the boys come up when they can. Grumpy old men, the pair of them.

-What about...

-So what's first? Hot sugar scrub?

Or we could start in the pool.

Excuse me. Have you seen anyone waiting here?

A woman, my height, a few years older.

That's the joy of the hotel lobby. You get to see everything and everyone.

My flight was cancelled so I'm more comfortable here than at the airport

so I'm just kicking back my heels, waiting for a call.

Listen, why don't you get yourself a coffee, have a think,

-I'll just check on something. I'll be back in a minute.

-OK.

-I see. And, um...

-Your friend is looking for you right now.

-Lane! We did say ten, didn't we?

-We did. I'm so sorry.

-We were just getting acquainted.

-Hilary, this is...

-Josh Reynolds.

Just passing acquaintances. Sisters, right?

Right. So, how are you?

-You look...

-Oh, just tired. Stuff, you know.

Which is why you need pampering. Here, take a look at this.

I'll be right back.

-Are you OK?

-Yes. I'm fine.

Listen, Sophie, I want you to promise me something.

I have something to say and I need you to promise to hear me through.

-I knew it!

-I haven't been entirely candid with either of you.

-Typical.

-Oh!

She's surprised, that's all.

Not her. You!

If I'd told you, would you have come?

That is not the point.

-The point is this has gone on long enough.

-I didn't start it.

I don't care who started it. It's got to stop.

-You can't tell me what to do.

-No.

-I'm not some kid.

-No.

-And you're not Mum.

-She still out there?

-Of course.

I thought you were smarter than this.

THUD

We will never play happy families.

Yes, so I gather. Pardon me for thinking we could all act like civilised human beings.

-Well, I might and you might.

-She's your sister!

She's a stupid, lying cow. You don't understand.

Obviously not. So talk to me.

No.

Look, we can sort this out. We just have to talk it through.

This isn't one of your counselling sessions.

Oh, it is? This is one of your counselling sessions?

You want me and her to have therapy, a little bonding session with you?

If you get me and her in a room, it'll be more than a little bonding!

-In fact, I'll show you what'll happen.

-Hilary!

-You want us to talk.

-Not like this.

-Get out of the way.

-Look, just wait here.

This isn't quite how I envisioned it.

-What did you expect? Tears of joy?

-Yes.

-Tears of joy. Tears of happiness. Why not?

-Ask her.

Why don't you ask her?

Because I'm leaving.

Satisfied?

No, no, no. You're not leaving like this. No.

-We are going to talk.

-You have no right.

I have every right to bang my sisters' heads together.

-She didn't even come to my wedding.

-And you didn't go to hers.

For an intelligent woman, you can be so...

I'm just trying to help.

I've had a morning from hell and I was really looking forward to this.

-You, me, time together.

-We can still have that.

-You, me and her?

-Not a chance!

Look, you're both sisters. You're Sophie and Hilary.

-You love each other. You're inseparable.

-That was then.

It was less than five years ago. What happened?

-She insulted my husband.

-She lied.

-Only cos she lied first.

So you both lied. That's nothing new, is it?

She said she couldn't come to my wedding because she'd been to Wimbledon

and had an allergic reaction to the strawberries and cream.

-My face was all puffed up and red.

-Was this true?

-No.

And you didn't go to Hilary's wedding because?

Why should I? She didn't come to mine.

-You didn't go because?

-Friggatriskaidekaphobia.

-What?

-Friggatriskaidekaphobia.

-Fear of Friday the 13th.

-MORBID fear of Friday the 13th.

-The wedding was on a Saturday!

-Yes, but I'd have had to travel on the Friday!

-Stop it!

Stop it.

Some fresh air?

-I promised Dad I'd keep an eye on you.

-That's not fair.

You can't bring Dad into this.

If I don't want her in my life, that is my decision.

It's nothing to do with you and nothing to do with Dad.

If Dad were alive, he wouldn't be speaking to her either.

-Oh, yes, like he'd have anything to do with you!

-Stop it.

Dad would hate this. I hate this.

What started it? I don't mean those ridiculous lies.

-Why didn't you go to Sophie's wedding?

-She hates Jeremy.

I don't hate him.

I just... He's not right. Not for you.

-Well, you're wrong.

-Sophie, wait. She's wrong. You were wrong.

Anyone can see. You're together, you're happy.

-I might possibly be wrong about Jeremy.

-Yes, you were.

So are we getting somewhere?

Speak of the devil.

It can't be. He's got meetings all day.

Jeremy, we were just talking about you.

What have you done with her?

She was here. Right here.

SHE SIGHS

I thought it was just the two of you.

Or is it a gathering of the entire clan?

-Well, she won't have got far, not with Hilary in tow.

-They could be anywhere.

No rush. I'll grab a paper and make myself comfortable.

Let me know when you find her.

Don't. Just don't.

(Laney!)

-(The wheelchair. Fetch the wheelchair. By the door.)

-Why?

-Please, Elaine. We need the wheelchair.

-Are you all right?

-Elaine! Wheelchair. Now.

-OK.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Oh, I did wonder. Saw it sitting there.

-I'm not doing it.

-Please, Hils. You've got to.

-One wheelchair.

-You're an angel.

-What's going on?

-She won't get into the chair.

I mean the bigger picture. What's going on?

It's quite complicated. Please.

OK, so my marriage...

-It's not 100% perfect.

-Surprise, surprise.

Hilary!

I just need some me time sometimes. You know, time and space to myself.

-Away from Jeremy.

-Are you having an affair?

No! Yes. Not the affair.

Oh, it's all so complicated.

-Three years ago, you got glandular fever.

-What?

I told Jeremy you had glandular fever.

You're my sister. I had to visit, make sure you were OK.

It was just for a few days. And it was great!

-I went to the seaside, Whitley Bay.

-I don't believe this.

Jeremy didn't object. Well, how could he?

And then you got worse.

The glandular fever seemed to get better,

but then it turned into multiple sclerosis.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

-How bad was I?

You were really poorly.

I had to come and visit you much more often,

especially once you needed the wheelchair. I had to do everything for you.

-You did that for me?

-You're my sister.

For goodness' sake. What were we talking about outside?

Where do these ridiculous lies come from?

There's nothing wrong with lying in a good cause.

-Jeremy thinks you're stuck in a wheelchair!

-And?

You can't tell Jeremy.

She's been lying for three years. We can't tell him the truth.

He'd leave me.

What do you suggest?

-Hilary, how are you? It's been too long.

-I'm fine.

That spasms. I have no control.

Sophie's been wonderful. You have no idea.

-I thought you had meetings.

-Cancelled.

-Flight from Dubai never arrived.

-Tell me about it.

-So here I am.

-You can't stay here.

-I can.

-What she means is you'd hate it.

It's all massages and manicures and aromatherapy.

There's aromatherapy?

There's a bar and a restaurant. Newspapers. I have my laptop, paperwork I can catch up on.

-They do great coffee.

-See?

I'll be fine. You enjoy your girls' day out. You'll hardly notice me.

This way?

-JOSH REYNOLDS CHUCKLES

-Thank you.

-You hit him!

He kissed me. I didn't ask him to kiss me.

-But you hit him!

-You've never actually seen anyone with MS, have you?

-That was insulting and patronising.

-Wasn't I doing it right?

-Perhaps you could teach her?

-The point is...

Laney, Laney, the point is it's worked.

Hils and me. You wanted us back together again.

It is very touching.

Drinks for my wonderful sisters.

Yes, very good(!)

We can get together every Christmas with Emma-Jane and the boys

just as long as Hilary remembers to bring her wheelchair!

I could recover.

You're a doctor, you could cure her.

Don't be ridiculous! We are merely postponing the inevitable.

Come on, Elaine. Have a drink.

-You can't be a spoilsport all day.

-Oh, she can.

She never could lie to save her life, but she could sulk for a week!

-That's not true!

-Yes, it is! Do you remember your purple skirt?

-You had no right to borrow it!

-30 years on and she's still sulking.

You're wrong about the lies.

-I could lie as well as either of you.

-As if.

"No, Daddy, you can't go into my room..."

"There's a giant rat under the bed!"

Well, I... I've had more practice since then!

And at least when I lie, I keep it within the realms of the plausible!

Anyway, that one wasn't a lie.

There was a giant rat under the bed, it was Shaun Matthews.

Isn't that Mike?

-Don't let him come in here!

-What?

-He can't see her!

-You can't get out of the chair! What if Jeremy sees you?!

You don't understand.

OK, don't panic. I'll sort something out. I'll delay him.

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come.

Nonsense. It's lovely to see you.

-She'll be furious.

-Why would she be furious?

-Was that...?

-What?

-I thought...

I just saw Hils in a wheelchair.

-No! You couldn't have done.

-No, no, I'm sure...

Sophie's not here, is she?

Er...

-I had no idea.

-Just a get-together.

-She's in a wheelchair!

-An accident. A silly little accident.

Look, why don't you wait here, and I'll see if I can go and find them.

-Still here?

-Oh, yes.

Welcome to the circus.

Has he gone? No, and there's a bit of an issue

He can't know that Sophie is here.

That's part of the issue. I've told him she is.

No!

Laney! Couldn't you have lied?

I did. As well.

I seem to have told him you're stuck in a wheelchair.

I said you had an accident.

What have you done?

I'm sorry. I panicked.

I didn't know what else to say.

So, you're married to Hilary.

Fine woman. They're all fine women.

-And here they come.

-Mike! It's been a very long time!

I am so, so sorry.

It's fine. I'm fine. I'll be as right as rain in a few days.

-You're so brave!

-She doesn't like to dwell on things.

She's lost the baby, Hils! She's allowed to dwell on that!

You were pregnant at the time of the accident?

She doesn't like to talk about it! OK?! I don't even know what you're doing here. We agreed...

-I'm trying to save our marriage.

-I've got treatments booked all day.

I'll wait.

-Time out?

-Time out.

What was that?!

Sophie's pregnant. Was pregnant.

-Fat chance of that!

-Which parallel universe are we in right now?

We've been trying for a baby. A long time. It didn't happen.

We tried IVF, everything. Three cycles. And then, he just gave up.

He said it was pointless, and we couldn't afford it. So...

So you told him Sophie was pregnant.

She's older than me.

-Thank you very much!

-I thought, if you can do it, so can I. He just needed encouragement.

-A few white lies...

-At my expense.

Oh, Hilary...

We barely talk.

We had a big argument today and I told him I wasn't coming back.

Hilary, I'm sorry, really, I am.

We can talk about the IVF - there's things you can try.

But you've got to be honest with him.

All this stuff with Sophie - what were you going to tell him?

When were you going to mention it was a lie?

It doesn't matter now. Not since the accident.

-What accident?

-My accident.

-She's using my tragedy to dig herself out of a hole of her own making.

-You didn't have an accident.

-You were never pregnant.

-That's not the point!

She's got to stay in the chair for Jeremy. She's got MS!

And you've had a terrible accident with multiple injuries! Not to mention the miscarriage!

-If Mike sees you walking about...

-What do you care? You've left him!

What do I care?

No!

What the...?! Get off!

Stay in the chair! We went along with your pantomime - this one's for Hilary.

I want to go home and Jeremy's got the car.

-He's the other side of the lounge.

-And?

You have to stay in the chair till we're out of sight of Mike.

OK.

HE COUGHS AND CHOKES

-Is it out?

-Mm.

It's just dry in here.

How bad is it?

Not good.

Do you really want to go home with him?

- All done? - Hardly started.

Oh. Coffee?

We've got an appointment. Hot stones massage.

Mike!

Mike? Mike's here? It's been years! We should have lunch.

- No! - I insist. My treat.

-Family gathering.

-You can't say no to that.

-Will you...?!

-All seated round the same table.

-OK. Lunch. The restaurant. One o'clock.

-What?!

So, Dubai was a no show? I'm waiting on Berlin.

They're all stacked up...

-Mike. Lunch. All of us. With Jeremy. One o'clock.

-Jeremy?!

In the restaurant. One o'clock.

-It won't work.

-We just hold our nerve. Get through this meal.

-Get through this day...

-They're not entirely stupid.

You don't think you can carry it off?

The bolder the lie, the greater the challenge.

Mike! Long time...

-Hi, Jeremy.

-Are you with Elaine?

-I'm just making up the numbers.

Looks like they're ready.

Well, here we all are.

Hope you don't mind? I couldn't stay away.

The more the merrier. So, when was the last time we all got together?

It's been a while.

You couldn't make it to the wedding.

No.

-Well, we had a lovely morning.

-A girl can never have too much pampering!

-Come home.

-Stop it!

Trouble in paradise?

-I knew this was a bad idea. We should go.

-No! I don't want to.

Shall we order?

-If she wants to go...

-Sophie!

-Maybe you should leave?

-Shall I fetch the chair?

-I'll get it.

-Please, you two don't need to leave.

-We're not going anywhere.

- What's going on? - Nothing!

Don't lie to me! Darling...

We're going. Now. We're leaving.

-No.

-OK... Enough is enough.

I'm sorry, the game's up. Mike, Jeremy,

there's something you should know. We have confessions to make.

-Oh, Lane. We've talked about this...

-What?

She's been under a lot of pressure recently.

-What can you do?

-That's what today was all about, really.

-Just being there, for our sister.

-This is ridiculous.

-Would I lie about something as serious as this?

-Masterful!

You might have noticed some unusual things going on today. We tried to hide it...

It's probably better to get these things out into the open.

There's no shame in a nervous breakdown.

I am not having a nervous breakdown.

Laney, it's all right. We don't have to hide it.

You're amongst friends.

I knew it. There's always been something odd about her.

I'd get out while you still can. I'll be in the bar.

I'm so sorry.

Come on, fella. Let's leave this to the ladies.

Nice try. They're just too good for you.

Sorry!

You're not getting me in that chair. No-one gets that chair. Not any more.

-What are you going to do?

-Whatever it takes.

-Not one of your lies?!

-You can't tell the truth!

-Watch me!

A "breakdown?" Well, she's always been a bit cracked.

That's not very nice.

He's not a very nice man, Mike. Hilary had him right all along.

You should really take things easy, Elaine.

-He's right. You don't want to get agitated.

-"Agitated"?! I'll tell you what gets me agitated...

Not interested. In fact, forget the drink. I'm leaving.

We're leaving. You can stay here with the lunatic and the cripple. I've had enough.

What does he mean - "the lunatic and the cripple"?

I think you should come with me.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Dammit!

Hello.

Jeremy. Are you sure you want this?

What?

You go there, I can't keep you from the truth.

-You too. I can't protect you any more.

-I don't need your protection.

What's wrong with the truth?

She loves you. Remember that.

Look, no chair. No MS.

You said she was ill. All those visits...

You're OK!

Yes. I'm OK. No accident.

-What accident?

-No baby. There never was.

-What the...?

-I don't understand.

-I'm sorry. I thought...

If she could do it...

Yes. Something like that.

What are you doing? She lied to you!

It's all part of her charm.

You're as mad as the rest of them. And you are coming with me.

-Not today.

-She's my wife.

-He made a pass at me.

-What?!

Before we got together. It was at their engagement party.

I know. I think I've always known.

I told him to shove it.

You lying little...

-Oi, oi!

-Hit him, Mike!

Aaaargh!

I suppose I should take a look at that.

It's all right.

I don't think it's damaged.

Your flight?

-I got the call. Guess I missed all the fun, huh?

-Not all of it...

Where are you going? It's a broken ankle!

Come back here! You get in this ambulance right now!

Sophie? Sophie!

Well, if you're ever in Seattle...

-Do you think you could cope?

-If you can leave your family this side of the pond!

You know...truth, lies - those are just words. An honest heart.

That's what really matters.

OK, driver. You take care.

And you.

Sophie!

We haven't got a good track record with parties.

This time will be different. I've got caterers,

so we won't have any food poisoning.

Mum says we can only invite one friend to this party.

-Have you got that many?

-Oh, ha ha!

-Do you fancy coming to a party this evening?

-'Of course.'

Who else is coming?

Oh, I've had an invitation.

End of term party. Tonight. Jack Hollins' house.

What?!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd