Dinosaurs Doctors

# Now I go cleanin' windows to earn an honest bob

# For a nosy parker it's an interestin' job

# Now it's a job that just suits me

# A window cleaner you would be

# If you can see what I can see

# When I'm cleanin' windows. #

Morning!

I'm sorry, couldn't sleep, I've hoovered, I've dusted,

and now I'm on these windows.

Can I come in, or would I contaminate the area?

Yeah, come on!

Karen, don't you think you might be going a bit over the top?

What do you mean?

Well, we haven't got a good track record with parties.

This one will be different.

I've got caterers, so we won't get food poisoning.

Caterers, how much is that going to cost?

For the first time in my life, I can afford it.

We've got a beautiful house, wonderful food.

What could possibly go... GLASS SMASHES

What's that!?

By the look of it, it WAS a pigeon.

It's left a flipping great crack in the glass!

-Don't worry. I'll sort it.

-Thank you.

Mum says we can only invite one friend to this party.

Have you got that many?

Oh, ha-ha. I suppose you're going to invite that Cillian.

I could do. Or I might just make him sweat.

Mind you, it's not going to be much of a party with Mum and Dad here. Who do I know who's sad enough?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Ciaran!

Do you fancy coming to a party this evening?

Of course. Who else is coming?

Oh, um, it's going to be a bit quiet.

You, me and Immie. Some of the new neighbours.

Really?

Well, term's over, I don't think many people can make it.

Right...really?

Jack!

Sorry, got to go. See you at seven?

Right.

Hi, have you heard Jack Hollins is having a party this evening?

-How's it going?

-Fine. I thought you were going to fix that!

Yeah, but the glazier can't come till tomorrow.

-So what are we going to!?

-I'll use some gaffer tape.

You are not using gaffer tape on my conservatory! Use sticky tape.

Don't put sushi on by the radiator!

Im?

I've just been on Cillian's webpage.

There's a picture of him snogging the face off Suzy Temple.

Who?

Some girl at uni. She's doing dentistry.

Well, that's one way to fill a cavity.

Not funny!

Oh, I've had an invitation.

Oh yes?

"End of term party. Tonight. Jack Hollins' house."

What!?

Did you put Mum's party on the internet?

Of course not! Who sent it?

Some guy called...Tom Goodwin. Never heard of him.

Neither have I. How many people are coming?

Confirmed guests. 231.

How do I look?

Not bad. In fact, you scrub up quite nicely.

DOORBELL RINGS Well, that's one hell of a compliment coming from you.

-Watch where you're going!

-All right!

It might help if you opened your eyes for once!

Mrs Greening.

Oh. It's you.

Oh... Oh, I'm so sorry!

But this is an old favourite of mine, and I thought I'd give it

one last airing before I took it to the charity shop.

He's sound asleep.

Wonderful.

PHONE BLEEPS

Daniel?

Hello. Anything I can get you on the way home?

Could you pick up that DVD for us?

Which one?

Camille De Campagne.

-Camille De Campagne.

-It's French, so there's story and scenery for me,

and full-frontal nudity for you.

Always happy to widen my cultural horizons, you know me.

-And I've got a surprise for you when you get home.

-Really?

Don't get your hopes up. It's nothing like that.

-Karen was asking if we were going to her party.

-What did you say?

I used baby Joe as an excuse.

That boy is our get out of jail free card.

We need never go to another boring social function ever again.

RINGS DOORBELL

Another Hollins party.

I'm definitely not drinking this time.

And no sushi.

Karen! You look gorgeous.

I'm not going to argue! Come on in.

What's got into you!?

-It's your big night, you shouldn't have to keep answering the door.

-You're up to something?

Of course not!

-Hollins!

-Jack, where's your party at?

OK, guys! I know it says online that I'm having a party,

but someone's played a practical joke on me.

I promise you, there is no party here this evening.

Is this the way to the party?

OK, there is one, but it's not that sort of party.

It's a...funeral party.

For my dad.

Who's just...died.

Jack! I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?

It all happened so suddenly. Get inside.

So if you could just leave us alone with our grief?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Well, Mrs Hollins, you have excellent taste in music.

-I'm very fond of Beethoven.

-So am I.

Though this is actually Mozart.

Sergeant Hollins!

I must say this is a very fine house.

I'm glad you approve.

But even in a place like this,

you can still encounter criminal activity.

Can you?

Let me tell you all about the anti-social behaviour

I have noticed in Brunswick Street.

I just need to make this text. It's official police business.

Of course. A policeman's work is never done.

Ciaran! Has Jack abandoned you?

I think he's a bit...emotional.

And can I just say I am so sorry for your loss.

Oh! Well, hey ho, these things happen.

It's not as if we were close.

And look on the bright side, I did inherit this house!

I've just had a text from dad.

A text?

"Help! I'm in hell. Please can someone come and rescue me?"

Serves him right! I've got no sympathy.

I thought I was going to be stuck there all night.

Ciaran?

Hi, Daniel.

Going somewhere special?

It will be when I get there. Have a good evening.

Thank you. And you.

Hello. How's the trial?

She's fine.

You seem a little...

-Joe has just discovered the art of projectile vomiting.

-Nice.

So I'm off to get changed.

Lovely. I've got the DVD.

This is your surprise.

What is it?

Remember my dad gave us that lamp for Joe's nursery?

The one with the dinosaurs?

He's coming for lunch tomorrow, so we have to put it together.

When you say "we", you mean...

You managed Joe's cot. Eventually.

Thanks.

So why did you say your dad was dead?

Why did you put my party on the internet?!

I didn't...

I mean, I told Psycho Ben.

You might as well just put a sign outside.

But you seemed so sad that term was over and no-one could come...

Jack!

So yes, I really do wonder who's running this country.

Doctor Cassidy!

Hello!

Doctor Cassidy, Mrs Greening. Mrs Greening, this is Doctor Cassidy.

Hello, are you a friend of Karen's?

I wouldn't go that far. I'm her neighbour.

This is a very fine neighbourhood.

It used to be, but there has been a certain...

element moving in.

I hope you don't mean Rob and Karen!

The Hollinses are decent, salt of the earth-type people.

And yet, sometimes, you take people like that from their natural environment

and they can be a bit overwhelmed.

Karen's very happy here.

And she's done wonderful things with the house.

She's done her best.

But no amount of potpourri can mask the smell of human degradation.

I'm sorry!?

I'm not one to gossip, but last week,

this house was used as a bordello.

That is impossible! How do you know?

You'd be amazed what you can see through net curtains. Of course, it's all to do with the boy, Jack.

I'm fairly sure he's been offering his services as a gigolo.

Hello, Elaine.

Mrs Hollins! We were just admiring your decorations.

You have put in a lot of effort.

Well, come on through,

because canapes are being served in the conservatory.

-Did you make them?

-No, we got caterers.

Oh, good.

-Does it not occur to you to check these things?

-What things?

They put the wrong DVD in the box.

Instead of Camille De Campagne, they've put in Carry On Camping.

-Is that the one where Barbara Windsor...

-Don't even think it.

-How's the lamp getting on?

-These instructions are useless.

-Have you even read the instructions?

-What?

You can't remember to get the right DVD.

You can't assemble the lamp. I'm beginning to detect a theme here.

OK. Well you want to take over?

-No, because someone has to look after Joe!

-Right.

Argh!

DOORBELL RINGS Jack! If you say you're going to do something...

Kevin! What can I get you?

-A glass of bubbly would be nice.

-Coming right up.

Come in!

Jack, this is amazing. You must be really chuffed.

You're popular, aren't you?

Why don't you save your breath?

You might need it later to inflate your girlfriend.

Don't let him wind you up.

I'm not. Keep smiling.

Zara!

Yes!?

I've stabbed myself with a screwdriver.

How is that even possible?!

-Can you get me a plaster, please?

-Why can't you get it?

-I don't want to bleed all over the kitchen.

-Oh!

I'm doing this for your benefit, you know.

So much for bedside manner!

The only reason you hurt yourself is because you're in a sulk.

And I refuse to reward your attention-seeking behaviour.

Thank you! I wish I'd gone to Karen's party.

-Do you want a drink?

-No, thanks.

How about something from our seafood selection?

I'm fine, thank you.

Did you see that?

Cherry just said, "No" to seafood and alcohol.

She has got a bit of a glow about her.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Do you want a drink?

No, I've got one thanks. But a smile would be nice.

Who soured your grapes?

If you must know, I've got dumped on the internet.

And the guy that did it has posted pictures of himself kissing

-another girl.

-There's only one way to deal with that.

BOTH: Cherry!

-Yes?

-Do you remember Kerry from nursing college?

-Keep fit Kerry?

-Yeah.

Well, I bumped into her the other day

and she was on about having a bit of a reunion.

I'd be up for that.

It's going to be, like, quite outdoors - potholing,

abseiling, that kind of thing. Really physical.

Really, really physical.

Sounds fun. When is it?

She's dead, dead busy, so it won't be till like November, December time.

Eight, nine months.

Would that be a problem for you?

I get it! This is a pregnancy test, isn't it?

Don't be silly.

It was bad enough that I had to have my wedding dress altered.

So I've put on a few pounds. I wish people would stop going on about it.

Cherry!

MUMBLED VOICES

Can I help you?

I was just...reconnoitring.

Would you like to reconnoitre yourself downstairs?

< OK, that's good!

< Uh, yes!

Why? Why?!

Why what?

Sorry, love, I didn't see you there.

-Are you making fun of my height?

-Again...

Open my mouth and put my foot in it. Could my life get any worse?

< Now, why don't you get on top!

You little sleazebag!

-No, it's not what you think.

-You're not talking your way out this one!

Look, see!

-What?!

-We were trying to make her boyfriend jealous.

-You expect me to...

-It's true!

Besides, I think I could do a bit better than Kevin.

Hello. Is this a private party?

All I do is make a mess.

I should pay Kim and Aggie to follow me.

-Will you stop that!?

-What?

-Feeling sorry for yourself.

Instead of going on about your exams, why don't you ask yourself

-why did Julia and the others want to keep you on?

-I don't know.

Because you've got something. You know how to deal with people.

And yes, you have to re-sit your exams, but you have qualities

most doctors would never have if they trained for their entire lifetime.

Jimmi, I'm hopeless with people.

The only thing I can do is offend them.

Then why do people keep coming back and want to be around you?

I haven't got a clue.

Well, either they're complete idiots, or because you're worth it.

You might be the loveliest man alive.

So go back in there, with your head held high.

Just wipe the moustache, just a little...

Is nobody having any seafood?

DOORBELL RINGS

Jack!

We've got winkles, cockles, whelks and...

DOORBELL RINGS Jack!

Are you all right, Mrs Tembe?

Yes, yes. I am fine, thank you.

Are you sure?

No, I am not.

I am scandalised,

I have heard a very disturbing rumour about your son, Jack.

A rumour?

Someone said this house was recently used as a brothel.

And your son has been offering his services.

A rent boy?!

The word used was "gigolo".

Saying it in Italian doesn't make it any better. Right.

I think I know exactly who's spreading this rumour.

DRUNKEN SINGING

Can I just say, we're not having a party tonight.

Look! This is my mum's house! Please, go away!

All right, move along, the party's over.

ALL: Party, party, party!

Get out! Get away from my house!

And you keep your balls away from my windows.

Move it!

I want you to clear this mess up, and when you've done that...

-Yes?

-..I want a word with you.

-Your mum is amazing!

-Hardly.

Rugby players aren't known for their intelligence.

-Blokes with oddly-shaped balls and brains the size of a peanut.

-Jack!

They're brain dead, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals.

BABY GURGLES

Hello, mate.

Well, your mum and I are barely speaking.

I nearly lost a finger.

But you do now have a magic lamp.

And if anything happens to me or your mum,

you have a herd of dinosaurs ready to keep an eye on you.

Are you all right?

Yes, why wouldn't I be?

I'm in my dream home, with all my lovely friends around me.

Like someone's smiling down on me.

THUNDER CLAPS

There seems to be a bit of a situation out there.

Oh, no. Jack had some friends round, but they're gone now.

No, they're not, and they've just tied him up with the washing line.

SHE LAUGHS

Boys will be boys!

Oi! What do you think you're doing?

I'm sorry.

I was just taking a few morsels home for Hugh.

Have I committed some kind of faux pas?

No, I mean telling everyone my son's a rent boy.

Goodness! What a colourful turn of phrase you have.

You've done nothing but snipe at us since we got here.

I think you're jealous because our house is nicer than yours.

Oh, Mrs Hollins!

Believe me, your house is built on very shaky foundations.

-Hello?

-Sorry, did I leave my phone here?

-I have no idea.

I think I did. And it's a bit hard when some guy gives you his number

and you have to write it on your hand.

I'll have a look.

DANIEL MUMBLES TO BABY

'What's that? Yes, you are beautiful.'

-Here we go.

-Thanks Zara. How's Joe?

-He's fine. He's with Daniel.

'You're the most precious person in the whole wide world.'

Aw!

'I want you to know it's not your fault that mummy and daddy argue.'

We don't!

'It's not your fault we can't have a civilised conversation.

-'That we never have sex.'

-We do!

'It's just the way we are, really.

'And you are the glue that will keep us together,

'through the good times and the bad. Goodnight, Joe.'

Karen, I'm really concerned about this situation.

I wouldn't worry.

-They don't look very friendly.

-Well, don't look!

-They've started mud wrestling.

-It's just a bit of fun.

Well in my country, we would not do such a thing with a cone.

-Do you want me to go and have a word?

-No!

OK, everyone, if you'd like to look this way, please.

An awful lot of people have had a dream.

ABBA had one, obviously. And Martin Luther King.

But my dream was to have a conservatory.

A place where I could sit and...

..look at The moon. Or the sun.

Depending on what time of day it was.

But my dream has come true. I'm living the dream.

I'm in my conservatory. And it's wonderful...

Are you OK, Mum?

Oh, dear, your dress is ruined.

But as I was just about to throw mine away,

you're more than welcome to have it.

It's normal for the man to feel ignored when the baby comes along.

Why don't you go back to your club and snog someone?!

Well, that's him fast asl...

Aliona!

Bye, then! See you guys next week!

I suppose you heard me saying goodnight to Joe.

You knew perfectly well that that monitor was on.

Yes. Yes, I did, but I didn't know she was here.

Why don't you just talk to me?

Because sometimes, it's easier to talk to Joe.

And we never seem to get the chance these days.

It's not that bad.

No, but...

I came home and I wanted a quiet night in,

and I was given a ridiculous DIY task!

I only gave you that while I slipped into something more comfortable

that wasn't covered in baby vomit.

I'm sorry, OK?

You should be.

And I promise if I have anything else to say,

I'll say it to your face.

Good.

Do you want to see the lamp or not?

Well...

Thank you for a memorable evening.

Yes, the food was ruined, and so was the conservatory.

But, it was only by the grace of God,

no-one needed medical attention.

Don't mention it.

Bye!

Go on. Say something.

Oh, Mrs Hollins. It wasn't much of a party.

But it will make the most marvellous anecdote.

Why does it always happen to me?

I don't ask for much in life!

Come here!

So. Let there be light.

Aw!

A stegosaurus.

A diplodocus.

You know perfectly well you haven't a clue what they are.

I wonder what the thinking was behind putting dinosaurs

in a child's bedroom.

To a small child, they represent authority figures. Grown-ups.

Us.

So that's what I've turned into.

That's what we've both turned into.

But on a positive note, that makes us

the most powerful creatures ever to have walked the planet.

I can cope with that.

And we use our power to protect the most precious creature in the world.

Yes. We do. Goodnight, Joe.

-That's the last time that I ever have a party.

-Can I have that in writing?

Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad.

Really?

OK, so the conservatory might need mending

but most people liked the house.

I've managed to save some of the seafood selection.

Got some cockles, crabs, some mussels and crayfish.

-Urgh, that is gross.

-What?

That one just moved.

It can't have done.

She's right, you know. Half these molluscs are mobile.

No wonder no-one touched them.

Hang on! Cynthia put a load of them in her handbag.

Did she?! Well, I tell you what, right now,

her handbag will be crawling its way back to the sea!

And here's hoping she crawls straight in after it!

It's alive!

SHE SCREAMS

Carter's back and he's bearing gifts.

Oh, Doctor Carter.

I want to die.

What, no. Danny, no!

Look at me. I'm a prisoner.

We had a power cut. What's the noise?

Whales.

You're THE Danny Curran. I can't believe it.

You lost the league for us in '98.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd