Last Christmas Doctors

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow... #

Having smeared the turkey with butter,

now arrange the bacon in a criss-cross formation.

Oh, that's looking beautiful.

You're doing a grand job. Well done.

Be careful with that knife. You'll have somebody's eye out.

Will you get your head out of the oven? It's very unhygienic.

Come on! There's a perfectly good button here, look.

Minford's doing a grand job with the decorations. He's a genius.

I don't know where he gets it from, certainly not his father.

-Are you all right?

-I'm fine.

Because, you know, in spite of everything,

I think it's going to be the best Christmas we've ever had.

-Oh, Jimmi. I've just signed for this for you.

-Excellent!

Anything interesting?

-Yes! Should be tickets for the Love Gate.

-I'm not even going to ask.

It's a music festival. Cherry's been going on about it.

-Have you checked the weather forecast?

-No. Why?

-Mud?

I don't care about mud. I just want to patch things up with Cherry.

-What things?

-Oh, nothing. Just a few bumps.

-Oh.

-Have I or have I not got time for a quick coffee?

-Well, have this one.

-Oh, thanks. I'm on reception this morning.

-Is Karen not in?

No, no, she's on home visits. She's helping Cherry out.

-Oh, hiya.

-Hey.

-Hey. What do you have planned for the weekend?

-Nothing.

Good, because I have something that might interest you.

-Jimmi, I'm in a hurry. I've got to talk Karen through her HCA duties.

-OK, but...

-And I really need a coffee.

-Well, have this one.

-Thank you.

OK, so it's Mr Haley, who's the hypochondriac,

and Mr Wendle with the wandering hands.

-No, Mr Humble's a hypochondriac. Mr Haley has halitosis.

-OK.

-What's wrong?

-Tummy's rumbling. I had to miss my breakfast.

-Right. OK.

-Then there's Mrs Boyle at 28 Mason Gardens.

-Aw, Bridget!

She's round the corner from me. I can nip home for lunch.

Bridget's just been diagnosed with Huntington's Disease.

-I don't know anything about Huntington's. I won't know what to say.

-You don't need to say anything.

She's had a few falls recently, so make sure you change the dressings.

-And be there, and listen.

-OK. I'll see what I can do.

So what kind of a car is it?

I see. That is a good make of car.

I will have to go now. I will see the car in the evening.

Bye.

-Mrs Tembe, are you buying a second hand car?

-Oh, no, Doctor Cassidy.

I have a new next door neighbour,

and I have asked Mrs Marigold to keep an eye on them.

-You can tell a great deal about a person from their car.

-Mrs Tembe!

It is important to keep a sense of community.

I was very close to Mrs Smith, who lived there before.

Her children wasted no time renting her house out.

Sounds like these new people have a lot to live up to.

So far, it is very promising. A father and son.

-I may pay them a visit later.

-Well, give them a chance to settle in.

They have had the entire morning.

I will pop round in half an hour or so.

Oh! What?!

Rob, it's me, I'm at 28 Mason Gardens.

I think maybe they're being burgled.

There's somebody on the roof... Oh, hold on.

It's Father Christmas. Sorry. Bye.

Oi, Santa!

Ho, ho, ho!

What's your name, little girl?

Is this a joke?

Mrs Hollins, it's me!

Minford!

-Oh, you're...

-I'm Bridget's son.

I've come to stay with her.

-All the way from the North Pole?

-Oh, this?

I was hanging some decorations.

-I thought I'd get in the Christmas spirit.

-It's the middle of July!

I know! It's mad, isn't it?

I live in India, and I couldn't make it home last Christmas,

so Ma said, as soon as she could get the three of us together,

-we'd have the full family Christmas with all the trimmings.

-Oh, lovely.

Plus, you know...

we thought she could do with cheering up at the moment, you know?

That's very kind.

Well, if you walk this way, I'll show you to me grotto.

Shall I do some more potatoes?

Ma, there's enough here to feed the 5,000.

5,000 anorexics. How about some Brussels?

-Will you give me some space?!

-Well, pardon me for trying to be helpful.

-Look who I found, loitering with intent.

-Hello, Karen!

-What are you doing here?

-I've come to change your dressing.

Oh, is it Monday? I forgot the day. I thought it was Wednesday.

We've all done that!

Hello, um...

Nuala.

Sorry.

Is there somewhere we can go?

We'll go into the drawing room.

-Will you be all right there on your own?

-I think I'll cope.

-Right.

I love Christmas. All the family round.

This could be my last Christmas when I can chew solid food

or speak coherent sentences.

Bridget, you've got to stay positive. You could have years yet.

Years of deterioration. Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Right. Well, that's me finished. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Why don't you stay and have lunch with us?

I always say the more the merrier.

No, that should be for you and your family.

Nuala and Minford are inclined to row, but if there's somebody there,

they're on their best behaviour.

I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.

We've got a ten-pound turkey, sprouts, pigs in blankets,

mince pies, Christmas pudding, brandy butter,

and Christmas cake. How's that?

-You had me at the pigs in blankets.

-Grand.

-Cherry!

-Jimmi, you've made me lose count.

Sorry, miss. Won't happen again, miss.

What do you want?

I just wanted to give you an invitation.

Love Gate.

-When's it for?

-Saturday.

-I don't think I can.

-Well, you were going on about it last month.

Yeah, well, last month I wasn't this busy. And I wasn't so stressed.

OK...well, I'll...

see what I can get for them on e-Bay.

Ah, Nuala, have you set out an extra place for Karen?

No, Ma, I've been busy cooking.

When you invite someone to your house for dinner,

it's essential to make them feel welcome.

I didn't invite her! Though it's lovely to have you.

-If it's too much trouble...

-No, none at all.

Listen, will you hurry up? Chop chop.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

# ..Christmas in Killarney

# With all of the folks at home... #

Minford! This is beautiful!

-Do you like it?

-I can't believe

-you've done all this for me.

-You are the best mother in the world.

Do you need any help?

Hmm. Are you any good with baubles?

# ..With all of the folks at home

# The holly green, the ivy green

# The prettiest picture you've ever seen

# Christmas in Killarney With all of the folks at home... #

LAUGHTER

# ..And Santa Claus is one of the boys from home

# We'll decorate the Christmas tree

# While all the family's here

# Around a roaring fire... #

-Good afternoon! My name is...

-Whatever you're selling, I'm not interested.

I beg your pardon?

I don't need a conservatory, I don't want cheaper phone calls,

-and don't tell me about God, cos I already go to church.

-I'm very glad to hear that. My name is Mrs Tembe.

-And?

-And I live next door to you.

-Welcome to Brunswick Street.

-Oh.

-Thanks.

-Now. I have brought a rather fine fruit cake.

-Perhaps you would like to put the kettle on.

-Right.

So what do you do in India?

I'm a wireless communications executive.

-I sell mobile phones, basically.

-He always was the brains of the family.

-He's got a house in Bombay.

-Mumbai.

They keep changing the names of things and make me feel old.

-What does Nuala do?

-Not a lot.

-She looks after you, Ma,

-which is a very important job.

-Pity there weren't more candidates.

-Oh, wow!

-Well done, sis!

-Did you remember to turn off the oven?

-Yes, Ma.

I can't believe you made that! All my kids can make is beans on toast.

It's a Delia recipe. You really can't go wrong.

The green stars are for green bin days.

-The yellow stars are for wheelie bin days.

-Right.

-I'm sure you've got a lot to get on with.

-No. I have plenty of time.

Would you like me to cut the cake?

Or would you prefer to share it with your wife?

-I don't have a wife.

-Oh. Oh, I am so sorry.

Don't be. You're not the one who ran off with her.

It must be very hard for you. If I can offer any assistance...

Dad, it's your phone.

-Hello?

-Who're you?

My name is Mrs Tembe.

I am your new next door neighbour.

Mrs Hollins, would you like a bit of leg? I've always been a breast man.

-Behave!

-Lovely.

-Wine?

-No, I shouldn't.

-Oh, come on.

Keep me company.

-OK, well, just a very small...

-Ma?

I'll have the same.

That's too small!

Christmas is not the same without the children, is it?

Do your Jack and Imogen have any little ones yet?

I hope not! They're just kids themselves!

And how about you, Minford? Is there any special lady in India?

No, not at the moment.

You don't have to be shy. I know people don't talk about these things

-before they're married.

-No, there's really no-one.

It must be hard to be able to choose any woman from the whole world, and just choose one.

Why make one woman miserable when you could make a lot of women happy?

Well, if there is anyone,

I'd like to see her here...

It'd make me very happy.

-All right, there is someone.

-I knew it! What's her name?

Indira. But it's early days. I don't want to jinx it.

This is the best Christmas present I've ever had.

Indira. She sounds...unbelievable.

You never ask me if I've got anybody.

No. I don't.

-So where do you come from?

-I told you. I come from next door.

-No, but really.

-No, really, I come from next door!

You may think that all of these houses are empty.

In fact, they are filled with people,

and everyone has a story to tell.

Yes, but before that.

Oh. Before that, well, I lived in Botswana.

That is in the southern part of Africa.

Is that like the jungle?

Well, there is a very big desert, called the Kalahari.

And in the savannah, you can see rhinos, and zebras, and elephants.

I'd love to see an elephant.

-I could show you one, if you like?

-How?

Have you got a piece of paper?

Umm...yeah.

-Is that all right?

-Mm.

The first thing you must do is fold it in half, like this.

Well, this is the best Christmas dinner I've had all week.

-Should someone go and get Nuala?

-Ah, she'll be back.

As long as we ignore her for long enough.

It was probably a big shock for her as well.

A broken nail is a big shock for Nuala.

Right. Well...cheers, everybody.

Cheers.

# Rocking around the Christmas... #

-Some more wine, Mrs Hollins?

-Oh, no.

-You sure?

-No, honestly.

# ..At the Christmas party hop

# Mistletoe hung where you can see

# Every couple tries to stop... #

-Elephant's trunk... There.

-Yeah, that's all right.

# ..Let the Christmas spirit ring

# Later we'll have some pumpkin pie

# And we'll do some carolling

# You will get a sentimental feeling... #

The neck is very, very hard to make.

Merry Christmas! God bless us, every one!

Glad tidings of great joy I bring.

-Your dinner's cold.

-It's Christmas.

I'm too excited to eat.

-Would you care to pull a cracker?

-Where did you get that?

-Homemade.

-Oh!

-Bang.

-Look, you've won some nail clippers.

-No expense spared!

-There's a joke.

"Why doesn't Minford bring his girlfriend home for Christmas?

"Because it's a man."

What?

Oh, for heaven's sake, you must know by now.

-Know what?

-Minford's gay.

-No, he isn't.

-He is, but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings,

-so he keeps it a secret.

-This is insulting!

-It's not an insult.

It's what he is.

Are you?

No!

There. You see? Thank you.

Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

My Immie had a relationship with a woman.

Is it still going on?

No, she prefers men actually.

This is ridiculous! Do you really think

the men he used to bring back here were just good friends?

Why did he only ever have one friend at a time?

Then he'd split up with them and another one would show up.

# La, la, la! I'm not listening! I'm not listening! #

This is not the right time.

It's never the right time! But... there's something else.

I'm going to college.

-What?!

-I've just been accepted.

It's only Letherbridge... and it's only part time.

I need you here full time!

Ten years ago, I couldn't go to college because Dad died.

Then I had to look after you. And then Minford went off to India.

Yes, it's a pity the wrong family member left the house.

I think it's great you're going to college.

-What are you studying?

-Beauty.

-Hah! You've a lot to learn.

SNIGGERING

When did you learn to do this?

I taught myself, when I first came to England.

When I was stuck indoors and thought the rain would never end.

-I like the elephants best.

-So do I.

Because they care for each other.

You know, when elephants are walking,

they sometimes hold onto the elephant in front, like this.

-Are you done?

-Dad!

Look, I've got a lot of unpacking. I really do need to get on.

-Of course! Please, if I can be of any assistance...

-Yeah.

-I'll see you out.

-It was very nice meeting you, Cameron.

-Bye.

I think someone should have a word with Nuala.

Don't worry. I'm going to.

-It's just that she looked a little...

-Pig ignorant?

-No...

-Malicious?

I need to go to the toilet.

-It's just down the hall on the left.

-Thank you.

Nuala?

Nuala?

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

-# All is bright... #

-Nuala?

# Round... #

What are you doing?!

-So are you all set for Saturday?

-No. Not really.

-Why not?

-Cherry doesn't want to go.

-What, to a music festival?

She says she's got too much work on.

Well, that doesn't sound right!

I mean, we've got Karen helping her out with home visits,

-and there's a new agency nurse starting tomorrow.

-Really?

Yeah, really. You need to talk to her.

What are you doing?

Oh, you know... A bit of maths.

Calculating terminal velocity.

How much pain I'd suffer on impact.

You're not seriously going to seriously throw yourself down there?

I don't know.

But I think about it about ten times a day.

Are things really that bad?

I just don't see any escape route.

I can't go to college.

Why, of course you can.

-Whyever not?

-Well, you heard Ma.

What do I know about beauty?

I don't know your mum that well,

but I think she's terrified of losing you.

She thinks that if you knew how clever and talented you are,

you'd run a mile, just like Minford.

I didn't want to abandon her. I just wanted to do something with my life.

Nuala, you still can.

I don't know where I stand with you.

We were looking at houses, everything was wonderful.

Yeah. It was wonderful!

We see somewhere that's perfect and you don't want to move.

Well, it's like I said, it's just, er...complicated.

Yes, Jimmi, so you keep saying.

I feel...stuck.

-Cherry...

-You know what, Jimmi?

..I'm not interested any more. I've got things to do.

Oh, so you've condescended to join us.

-I have to do this course.

-Fine.

It'll be like everything else you try.

You'll be sick of it by the second week.

You're not going to put me off.

OK, can I just say something?

It wouldn't be Christmas without the queen's speech.

I think you're being incredibly selfish to Ma!

Says the man who travelled halfway across the world rather than tell her the truth. Yes, I feel bad!

There's a 50% chance that I might have Huntingdon's.

And it could appear at any time, and...I want to live.

You want to live! Of course you do.

We didn't have birth control in Ireland before you were born,

or we wouldn't have had you.

You have been nothing but a burden to me.

And now when I really need you, you tell me

you want to go and learn how to put on your mascara.

Merry Christmas, Nuala(!)

-You disgust me.

-Fine!

If that's how you feel, it makes my decision a whole lot easier.

Well, you won't come back! I'll change the locks.

Why would I want to? To sit in your fake Christmas grotto?

Hearing fairytales of imaginary girlfriends?

No! I don't need any of this! Christmas is cancelled!

Minford, Nuala, outside.

-What?

-Out!

-Doctor Cassidy.

-Mrs Tembe! How was your visit?

It went very well.

I am always pleased to keep community spirit alive.

-Nice people?

-The boy is a delight.

Do you know, his mother ran away and left him? Shame.

The father was a little withdrawn,

but I am sure in time, we will all become good friends.

-I don't know what to do now.

-Well, I think she's made up her mind.

All you can do is apologise for what you've said, and wish her the best.

I know! I'll phone up the college and say she's mentally unstable.

-You've only got to look at her.

-You need to look at yourself!

Why are you behaving like this?

Karen, I could lose her forever. She might find someone.

Minford's a nice boy, but I never see him.

-Perhaps you need to ask yourself why.

-What?

Well, maybe Nuala's got a point.

I'm not saying he is gay, but you need to tell him that you love him,

no matter who he's in love with.

-Ma?

-Nuala?

I'm sorry for upsetting you.

I don't want to abandon you forever.

I just want to get away, work out what to do next.

Where are you going?

I'll know when I get there.

You're responsible for this.

You have turned my daughter against me.

Trust me, I can't make kids do anything.

I'll give you a lift, if you would like.

And you know where I am if you need me.

Don't forget some turkey sandwiches!

I can't stand sodding turkey.

She'll be back. Ungrateful bitch.

Is there anything I can do?

Can you give me a hug?

Thanks, son.

And now, perhaps you can tell me

all about that girlfriend of yours in India.

# ..Christmas in Killarney With all the folks at home... #

Come on! Oh, come on, no!

Agh!

Wow.

IT problem.

Probably not the best way to solve it.

Cherry still wants us to move and she can't understand why we can't.

I'm so sorry, Jimmi, this must be really difficult for you.

-She thinks I'm hiding something.

-Well, you are. ..Sorry.

Look, do you really love her?

Yeah, course I do!

-Then do something to show her.

-Like what?

Like buy her some jewellery.

I think we're past buying a little bit of jewellery, don't you?

I wasn't talking about just any bit of jewellery.

Alan Batten - in Botswana he would be locked up.

In Letherbridge, they let him hold a press conference.

I took nothing! Whatever she told you, she's a liar!

-I left a respectable job in Gabarone.

-Then why don't you go back there?

-Because England is my home now!

-England is mine, my country.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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