Lasso the Moon Doctors

Hiya!

All right?

Hi! Come in.

-Mrs Tembe? What are you doing?

-Please, Dr Carter.

-It is my way of apologising.

-For what?

-For burdening you with my problems yesterday.

That's what friends are for.

Still. I would prefer it if we said no more about it.

-Of course. And nothing you say will go any further.

-Thank you.

So? Did you sleep any better here?

No. There is so much to do today.

-My flight leaves this evening.

-You'll need to go home and pack, I take it?

I'll come with you.

Thank you. I will need to go by the surgery and leave instructions for Mrs Hollins.

Lucky I have a full tank.

-But it is your day off!

-So, how about some breakfast?

-No, thank you. I am not hungry.

-You won't be alone in the house.

-Besides, I don't think Trevor will be a problem for much longer.

-What do you mean?

-Trust me.

-Dr Carter, I do not want you getting involved.

-It'll be fine.

I'm giving you some free advice off the record.

-So this isn't official police business?

-No.

I wanted to come round and make sure Cameron was OK and have a quiet word, that's all.

-Right, then - I want you off my property - now!

-OK.

Don't you think this is the end of it. I'll do everything in my power

to make sure I close down your little nationalist crew.

Go anywhere near Mrs Tembe again, I'll make sure she presses charges

for every single racially aggravated crime you've committed.

-This is police harassment! I know my rights.

-Your rights?!

You've been intimidating a defenceless woman! What gives you the right to do that?

-Well? What d'you think?

-Aw, it's gorgeous.

Bet you can't wait for the big day?

Yeah. It's a long way off, though.

-But some things are worth waiting for, aren't they?

-Yeah. I suppose.

-So, how's your week been?

-Fine.

-You been out anywhere?

-Nope.

I thought you were getting more help now.

Yeah, my cousin comes over a couple of days a week.

I see that you've got a new neighbour. He seems nice.

You spoke to him?

Yeah, he just smiled when I came in. Looks like he's renovating the place.

-Yeah.

-Thanks, I'll go and see to your nan.

What kind of role model do you want to be for your son?

Don't you think he deserves better?

Of course I do. Do you think I want this?

-Do you think...?

-Dad, please.

You're better than this. If you keep hanging around with those people, you're going to end up in jail.

-What happens to Cameron then?

-They won't let it go.

-Then get out.

-Start again somewhere else.

-Where?

We could live next to Gran.

-I'd like that.

-Oh, I dunno!

-Please, Dad.

-That sounds like a good idea to me, son.

And I'm asking you nicely, this time, Trevor.

Oh! There you are.

Thought you'd given up.

Sorry, I only have the odd one. It's about my only pleasure.

-No sign of any boyfriend?

-I haven't really got time for a bloke.

-Isn't that something we just tell ourselves?

-I suppose.

So, no-one special?

Um...

Oh...I get it.

Have you spoken to him?

-Come on.

-What?

(Cherry! What are you doing?)

-Hiya.

-All right?

-So, is this your place, or are you renovating it for someone?

-Wouldn't go that far! I'm a builder by trade.

Just trying to do most of the grunt work myself. Save a bit of dosh.

-Amanda, you've got some shelves that need putting up, haven't you?

-Cherry!

-It's no worries,

I can always pop round with my spirit level.

-I'm Roger, by the way.

-Cherry.

-How you doing?

-Hi.

-Hello.

I've got an uncle called Roger.

-He lives in Torquay.

-Right. Nice.

So... Are you new to the area?

Yeah. It's big changes all round for me. Just got divorced and, um...

Ah, well...

-If you ever need a cup of sugar or a bit of local advice - Amanda just lives next door.

-Great, I will.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Oh, excuse me, I've got to take this.

Terry! Hey, how you doing? Thanks for...

What are you like? I can't believe how obvious you were!

Oh, it's just a bit of fun. You must have chatted someone up before?

-Yeah, course.

-Well, what's the problem? He's divorced, good-looking, handy with a screwdriver...!

What more do you want? I'll see you next week.

-Oh, no, Cherry, you can't just leave me.

-I've got patients to see.

-No, I mean... I need more advice, you know!

-Well, I've got a lunch break, if you want to meet up?

-Yeah. I'll get my cousin to look after nan,

-OK. I'll give you a buzz.

-Are you OK?

-Fine. Thank you.

ON TV: 'The harsh beauty of this landscape is breathtaking...'

DOORBELL RINGS

Idiot!

What are you waiting for? Get in!

I don't think you'll be seeing Trevor again.

I hope things can change for them.

-For the boy's sake.

-That's very Christian of you.

-I should go and pack.

-< CAR STARTS

You hid?

-Are you being serious?

-I panicked.

Please tell me he didn't see you!

I don't think so. What if he did?

-It's not funny!

-Sorry!

It's all right for you, you've got your cute doctor!

Oh. What am I going to do?

You just need a little bit of practice, that's all.

It's nothing that can't be fixed.

-I'm not late, am I?

-No, it's only twenty past.

-I'll just eat this. Won't be a tick.

-Jack can't make it, by the way.

-Why not?

-He's got an extra shift at The Icon. A private party.

-He always gets off the hook.

-Immie, he's working!

-Great. So much for family therapy.

It'll be all right, Three Hollins are better than none.

-Now what?

-Ask another question. It's not rocket science.

No, I know, sorry. Erm...

-So what job do you do?

-I work here.

-Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot.

Stop apologising! Go on.

Cherry, please, I can't do this.

You'll be fine. Just have a couple of drinks before you meet him.

-Loosen yourself up.

-That's great advice for a single woman, Jack!

Well, there's a singles night here tonight. Come down later.

-Oh, no. I couldn't.

-Tonight? Yeah, we could come, get Roger to come.

-There's the woman who's organising it. I'll introduce you.

-Cherry, I don't think this is a good idea.

It'll be fine!

Oh, no.

-Well, well! If it isn't Nurse Clever Dick!

-Cynthia!

-You two know each other?

-Unfortunately.

-Oh, charming!

-I thought you worked at the library.

-Not any more, love.

Started my own business -

Lasso The Moon.

We organise singles events,

and women-only parties. Naughty knickers and Rabbits. That sort of thing.

Oh, I could put you in a thong and have you serving drinks, if you like. It's good money, plus extras.

Thanks, but no thanks.

So who is it who's looking for love? Oh, dear.

My frump-o-meter's just gone haywire.

Haven't you heard of exfoliation, sweetheart?

Amanda is perfect the way she is, thank you.

Really? Didn't know you were myopic,

as well as dumpy. Not easy finding a boyfriend, is it love?

-..No.

-She doesn't need your help, thank you, Cynthia.

-Huh! Excuse me.

Dating Expert trumps District Nurse, thank you very much!

Now, sweetheart, what you need is my patented "Boot Camp To Bootylicious" service.

What's that?

Well, the thing is, men are visual creatures.

So basically, it's about bringing your best assets up and out where they can see the light of day.

Plus you need to dump those jamjar glasses and, oh, stop getting your mum to buy your bras.

Excuse me...!

-Great(!)

-Well, what did I say?

-Her mum passed away.

-Well, I didn't know.

You're...unbelievable!

So...

..about this...thong.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Rob.

Where are you?

Why?

-Typical!

-..No, no, no. It's OK.

No. Don't worry. I'll see you later.

OK. Bye.

Your dad's stuck at work.

Hey... No, we'll still do it.

-What? The two of us?

-Yeah.

I've just been trying to undo the damage that you caused,

but now her confidence is completely shot! Thank you(!)

Oh, so you're a psychologist now, as well as a nit nurse, are you?

So much for being a dating guru!

Probably your bedside manner! Oh, she'll be fine. She's just shy.

She's more than just shy, Cynthia.

Oh, I see. A virgin. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

We've all been there. Not that I can remember - I'd need regression to go that far back!

This is just a big joke to you, isn't it?

-So much for helping people find love.

-Oh, please!

Just because you can take somebody's temperature doesn't mean you can fix them up in the bedroom.

I've got considerably more experience in that department.

-It must be my youth that gives me more in common with Amanda.

-"Common" being the operative word.

I think you two need to get a grip!

Oh, and who asked you, pretty boy?

-Yeah, Jack. Shut up.

-Me?

Well, Nurse Clever Dick.

Seeing as you're so sure of yourself, why don't we have a little competition?

-Whichever of us gets Amanda and what's-his-name hitched.

-Roger.

-Are you serious? Roger? You couldn't write this.

-Hang on a sec.

-How do you make this a competition?

-Simple. We take one each.

You get Roger the Todger, and I get Little Miss No-Nookie.

I'm not letting you loose on Amanda, no way!

I am a professional, I'll have you know. I've got letters after my name.

Yes. OTT.

You could draw lots.

It's a shame Rob isn't here, I'd have liked to have gone back to that conversation about kleptomania.

-What? So Dad could start ranting at me again?

-He wasn't ranting at you.

He was! As far as he's concerned, kleptomania's just an excuse,

stealing is stealing. Everything's black and white in Rob's world!

Is this something you've spoken about outside the session?

You think we talk about this stuff at home? You've got to be joking!

Anyway, Dad's not interested in anything I've got to say.

-Probably why he hasn't bothered turning up.

-For the last time, he's working!

-Yeah, him and Jack.

-Maybe I should just come on my own next week seeing as no-one else can be bothered(!)

-Right!

I've had it up to here with you having a go at your dad!

He's got every right to be angry. I'm angry!

He might get in there first and shout the loudest, but he's only saying exactly what I feel!

-Sorry, Elaine.

-No. Karen, if you need to say it, it's important.

I'm just fed up of her attitude. It's everybody else's fault but hers.

I know things weren't a bed of roses

before all this started.

And, I mean, we'd all had a difficult time, all of us.

But you didn't catch me stealing! KAREN SIGHS HEAVILY

It's just an excuse!

-That's how you feel?

-Yeah. If I'm honest.

I've tried...I have to make sense of it,

I've tried to understand,

but I just can't. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you, sweetheart.

And I'm sorry about your mum.

But surely she'd want you to be out there enjoying your life,

not hiding your light under a bushel?

I'm just scared of the whole dating thing. I don't want to feel

like I have to sleep with the first man that comes along.

You don't! Dating's about deciding.

Deciding if you like him.

Deciding if you fancy him.

It's a bit like shopping.

You browse first then you buy later.

But only when you feel ready.

I suppose.

So what about this fella you like?

-Roger?

-Roger. Yes.

-I happen to know he's going to be at the Icon bar tonight.

-You're sure?

Well, if a certain pint-sized person pulls her finger out. Yes.

-He's dead nice.

-Oh, bless!

So, come on, what d'you say?

Here's the invite.

You've got nothing to lose, everything to gain.

Why don't you pop along a bit earlier, let Auntie Cynthia work her magic,

find you something a little less...

acrylic to wear. Hmm?

Huh. Oh, Mrs Tembe, I wasn't expecting to see you today,

-aren't you catching a plane?

-Yes, yes. My flight leaves this evening.

-If you need anything, I'll be in my office.

-Would you like a cup of tea?

Thank you.

You all packed?

Yes.

-How long's the flight?

-Oh...

Twelve hours to Johannesburg then an hour or so to Gaborone.

My brother will meet me there.

-Are you sure you will be able to manage while I'm away?

-Of course! The temp's starting tomorrow.

-You didn't really need to come in, you know.

-Would you mind if I worked this afternoon?

It will make it easier for your temp if everything is organised.

Sure. If that's what you want.

-Oh, come on! You said you weren't doing anything tonight.

-Yeah, but...

This mate of yours? Anyone I know?

-Erm, yeah.

-My neighbour?

-Amanda. She's lovely.

-No. I don't think so.

-Oh, why not?

-I went over there this morning.

-I know she was in. I heard the telly. She didn't even open the door!

-She's just shy.

Give her another chance. Please?

It's not a blind date, it's a singles night!

There'll be loads of other people there. What have you got to lose?

Coats over there, girls, cocktails that way.

Men, wall to wall!

Oi! Is that the best you can do?

-What?

-You could have smartened yourself up a bit!

-I've a love buffet through there and a grand behind the bar.

-This is my uniform. What d'you want me to wear?

-Well, I've got a mankini in the boot.

-No chance.

Evening!

-You must be Roger.

-Yeah. Hello.

-I'm Cynthia Brass.

-Very nice.

-Just ignore her.

-You know, I'm not really sure this is my scene.

-It's fine.

We'll go and find Amanda.

-Erm, yes. A word in your shell-like.

-What?

Well, I tried my best, but it seems as though the virgin has vamoosed!

-Who are you talking about?

-No-one.

-You mean you scared her off!

Is this about Amanda?

Erm... Yeah. She's running a bit late. Why don't you go and get a drink, and I'll come and join you?

Now what?

Whoa! Steady on!

-It's very kind of you to see me.

-I just wanted to wish you happy holidays. Could do with one myself.

-Why? How has your day been?

-Oh, let's just say I've had better.

Well, I have done my best to tie up all the loose ends this afternoon.

The rota for next month is done,

and I have ordered all the necessary office and medical supplies.

-I have done a list.

-Hmm, well, you've got it all sorted.

-I wanted to leave everything in good working order.

-You make it sound like you're never coming back!

Well? Where is he?

I haven't got him tagged!

-We've had complaints about the buffet.

-Flamin' cheek!

-It does look a bit weird.

-To the untrained eye, maybe. It's finger food with a difference -

figs, artichokes, asparagus.

-Interesting.

-They're aphrodisiacs.

-You should try one of my vol-au-vents. Put some lead in your pencil.

-No, ta.

-I don't see you eating any of it.

-I'm on a diet.

-Since when?

1992.

Whoops! Are you OK?

Amanda?!

Well, well. Fancy meeting you here.

Erm, yeah. You've changed.

Maybe we could go somewhere more private?

-To talk?

-That's not quite what I had in mind.

-Whoa! D'you mind not groping me, please?!

-You love it.

-No, I don't, actually.

-What?

-What's gotten into you?

-I thought you'd like it.

-Well, you thought wrong. You're being ridiculous.

Watch out!

Amanda?

Amanda?!

-She's a bit emotional. But very willing.

-I'm sorry?

-I take full credit for the new look, by the way.

-So that was your idea?

Amanda! I told you to ignore Cynthia!

Here.

I can take my make-up off, thanks. I'm not completely useless.

-You really don't need to dress up like a floozy.

-So you keep saying.

Jimmi, he loves me for being me.

Not because I wear a short skirt and push-up bra!

Oh, for goodness' sake, will you change the record?!

-Sorry?

-D'you know what?

I've had it up to here with your perfect relationship.

You've got blokes falling at your feet. Well, guess what? Finding someone decent isn't a fairytale.

You haven't a clue how hard it is!

What d'you think all those mugs out there are doing? Yeah!

That's right. Welcome to my world!

It's a cattle market, Cynthia.

It might be all right for teenagers and old swingers like yourself,

but some of us are looking for more than just a quickie.

-As for what you did to Amanda...!

-Me?! It was her choice what to wear!

You put the idea in her head!

Made that sweet girl feel insecure about the way she looks! She's worth ten of you.

That went well. Drink?

Oh, dear. Drink? If anyone wants us we'll be working our way through the love buffet.

All set?

Yes.

-Are you sure you're OK?

-Just a bit tired. It has been a long couple of weeks.

I wish you'd confided in me earlier, or in someone else at the surgery.

Dr Carter, I like to cope with things on my own.

-I did try to speak to Dr Tyler, but...

-But what?

Nothing. He did not understand.

Amanda?

Are you OK?

-I'm sorry.

-No, it's all right.

Did terrify me for a second, though. Gave me a flashback to my ex-wife.

Or the Predator, as I like to call her!

You know, I don't know about you,

but all I'm looking for is someone normal.

-Someone decent and kind.

-I'm not very good at this.

-In case you hadn't noticed.

-Well, maybe we could start over?

-Get to know each other.

-I'd like that.

-Excuse me, sorry, I didn't catch your name.

-Jack.

Jack. I need a favour please, Jack.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

Everything OK?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I'm going to walk.

What happened?

-Enjoy.

-Thanks, Jack.

I've never had champagne before.

I don't really do a lot of socialising. I look after my nan.

She had a stroke.

-Sorry, I'm boring you already.

-It's not boring. It shows you care.

It's a lovely evening.

We might even get some moonlight.

-HE LAUGHS

-What?

-Nothing.

I just realised. I've never dated the girl next door before.

-Always wanted to.

-There's a first time for everything.

Nice one, Nurse Clever Dick.

-I'd stick to putting plasters on, if I were you.

-I'd like to stick one over your mouth.

All set?

-Erm...yes.

-Perfect time for a holiday.

Put the last few weeks to rest.

-I hope so.

-There's so much more for you here in Letherbridge.

-You think?

-You know how fond everyone is of you at the surgery.

You are coming back, aren't you?

Dr Carter.

Thank you for everything.

My pleasure, Mrs Tembe.

The bitch is back!

Ah! Here she is now.

-Everybody, this is Lauren, our new receptionist.

-Hell-o.

-What on earth do you think you're doing?

-I'm washing me feet.

It's a rat! A rat! There's a rat!

Must have been that carpaccio last night.

You didn't have carpaccio last night. SHE VOMITS

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