Footsteps Doctors

This is so good of you at such short notice, Lauren.

-You're still at work?

-I'm fine. Well, I am now.

Are you sure this isn't putting you under too much pressure?

Of course I'm sure, Mrs McGuire. Sorry, I mean Ms Parsons.

OK, you've got enough history to make that mistake,

but please do me a favour, Lauren, and call me Julia.

I have known you since you came for sleepovers.

-Are you sure?

-Yes, it's Julia, all right?

-Right, um... Now... Morning surgery tomorrow?

-Absolutely no problem.

You sure you don't want a bit more time to unpack or do your laundry?

-Have you even had time to do a food shop?

-I've done everything

and everything's under control.

I'm going to just be in bed by ten - cocoa, trashy novel...

-Bring on tomorrow morning!

-Are you sure?

-Sure I'm sure.

Look, I'm the one who's grateful, Julia. I hate being at a loose end.

I know I'm really going to love working for you.

Bye.

DRUNKEN SINGING AND SMASHING GLASS

# Cos I love you

# I just like the things you do

# Ooh, just the things, the things you do

# Haaa! La-la-la-la-la-la... #

Come and get it, Danny Boy, while it's hot!

The bitch is back!

She's horny as hell and she wants you!

KNOCKING Zara?

Daniel!

LOUDER KNOCKING Zara!

Oh!

HE GASPS IN PAIN

HE MOANS

DANIEL SINGS IN THE SHOWER

TELEPHONE RINGS

ZARA MOANS

What?

Go away!

Oh, God!

Why do wake-up calls have to be so chirpy?

DANIEL KEEPS SINGING

Daniel!

Daniel, shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

You'll like Lauren.

-She's very easy to get on with.

-You said that about Mrs Tembe.

JULIA CHUCKLES

Well, she and Sam have been friends since, oh...

-Well, since Philip Schofield was in the broom cupboard.

-In the what?

The broom cupboard - BBC Television.

-Kids' programme.

-Oh!

-Oh, we're more of an ITV house.

-Ah. Anyway,

she's very much a people person

and she'll see us through at least until...

I was just telling Karen a new receptionist is starting today.

Her name is Lauren, and she'll be with us until Mrs Tembe gets back.

-And when will that be?

-Well, I'm not sure right now,

but the thing about Lauren is she'll go with the flow and stay as long as we need her.

-So is she a temp or...

-Permanent?

-We'll have to see.

Where did she work before?

She spent quite a lot of time in Hong Kong,

then recently she's been in London.

She does have a great deal of administrative and clerical experience,

so let's give her a chance. She's a real team player.

Er... The smallest I've got is a 20. Sorry.

Oh, well, Worse things happen at sea. Thanks for looking, love.

You have a nice day now.

Urgh.

DANIEL CHUCKLES

You OK?

If I tell myself I feel better I will feel better.

It's mind over matter.

It's a combination of Merlot and Cointreau

in stunning quantities.

Trust me, it's matter over mind. Why don't you let me take you home?

Because I'm not a wimp. Today is day two of being back to normal.

And normal for me is not only soft cheese and wine

-and shellfish, Daniel.

-I know.

-It is not only sex for the sake of sex.

-I know.

It's not only, it is all of the above

and it's not pulling a sickie and missing a day off work

because I had one too many last night.

-Brave soldier?

-When I have to be.

I'm back, the woman you fell for in the first place.

Remember me?

If you change your mind and you want a ride home, you tell me.

I'll be fine. Couple of aspirin and a banana and...

What?

What!

# I just like the things you do... #

DANIEL SINGS TO HIMSELF

Ah! And here she is now.

-This is Lauren, our new receptionist.

-Hello! Hi!

Dr Kevin Tyler, physician of the parish.

Er, hi. Freya Wilson. Kevin's just a registrar

There's absolutely no need to be impressed.

Mrs Hollins, right? Julia's told me you'll be my line manager.

-Has "Julia"?

-Yes, Julia has.

Line manager? Well, yes, I suppose I am.

-I'm looking forward to working with you, Mrs Hollins.

-Karen is fine.

I need the ropes showing, but I'm a quick learner and don't shirk.

-Anything you want me to do, just let me know.

-What's not to like?

Nothing, if I can help it!

I think the best way to start is to get to grips with the tea round. Am I right?

Coffee and tea that way? Great, OK.

What'll it be? You won't have to tell me twice.

Dr Carter, may I introduce you to Lauren, our new receptionist.

A pleasure to meet you.

You have instantly conjured up a new Mrs Tembe.

Ooh, it's a dark art, Heston. What can I tell you!

I'm about to acquainted with the tea run. Don't tell me -

coffee, never instant, tea always from the pot, Earl Grey or Lady Grey.

Lapsang Souchong.

But of course. Loose leaf?

A teabag is an anathema to the civilised man. Come with me, young lady.

Will you look at that!

You do realise you just said that out loud, don't you?

Well, she clearly wants to be looked at, doesn't she?

Well, if she offers to take home the tea towels and wash them

she'll have won you all over.

What?

What!

A cup of peppermint tea, to settle your stomach.

YOU made me tea?

Well, no - not actually. There's a new receptionist.

She's standing in for Mrs T. She made everyone a cup.

-New receptionist?!

-Mm-hm. I thought of the peppermint tea though.

Tell me she's ugly, Daniel.

Marks out of ten?

It's a high score, I'm afraid.

-Age?!

-Mid 20s?

Great.

Just great.

Hey, listen, if you sit really still until your mummy's seen the doctor,

then I'll give you a prize. OK?

Tell me that's not an acrobatic tumour.

It's a rat.

A rat, man! There's a rat!

Clegg's a pet rat. There's nothing to worry about.

I'm sorry, but clearly there is. Have you got anything to put him in?

He was in my blouse. Clegg was asleep.

All the racket in this place is what woke him up.

-He's a rat!

-He's perfectly clean.

He doesn't bite and he's got kind eyes, just like David. See?

He's not like Usain.

I always have to take Usain out in a box.

-Usain bolts.

-An Olympic rat!

You can't have a rat in a waiting room. This is a doctor's surgery!

I think the best thing to do

is put him in something so he doesn't frighten anyone

-or get upset.

-I need the loo now.

-You can't take him to the ladies!

You'll have to take him, if he's such a problem.

I need to go to the ladies. I need to pee all the time.

-That's my problem.

-Give him here then.

-You know how to hold him?

-Please! My brother had a snot nose, a scabby knee

and a rat in his pocket for most of the '80s.

Rats I can handle.

Come on then, Clegg. Let's find something safe to pop you in.

Coming through, woman with rat.

Aw!

-If he gets agitated, will you give him a bit of shortbread?

-Course. He'll be fine in here.

-He can't come in with me, can he?

-Sorry?

Miss Carrott would like to know

if she can bring her pet rat into her appointment.

-Er, has he been in with you before?

-He's normally in my handbag.

-Would you mind if he stayed here?

I've been five times this morning.

Um... Staff room.

-It's not normally this mad.

-Oh, isn't it?

-Ah.

-Phone. Who's that?

-Don't you even think it.

-You left it in the bog.

Hi, I'm Lauren.

-I'm babysitting a rat.

-Of course you are(!)

Oh, I love your suit.

Harvey Nicks, right? It looks amazing on you. You must be Dr Carmichael.

-You're the peppermint tea?

-I am Dr Carmichael.

I know how good my suit looks. That's why I bought it.

I have to get back to my room... bilious toddler.

-Do try not to be over-eager.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Just first day nerves.

Fine, but don't waste your flannel on me.

HE GROANS

What on earth do you think you're doing?

-I'm washing my feet.

-This is a doctors' surgery, not a bathhouse.

They're out of paper towels. Have you got any?

Do I look like a bathroom attendant?

Can we get some help in here, please? Karen? Lauren?

Lean on me. Be careful.

Right, I'll just go and see if I can find some more paper towels, shall I?

-Will you be all right for a moment, Dr Carter?

-Are you a doctor?

-As fast as you can.

-I came over all light-headed.

-Will you see if Dr Wilson's...

-..got room for one more patient

because you're already full this morning?

-And a cup of tea would be nice, love.

-Cup of tea?!

And maybe a biscuit. What have you got in the box?

Sorry, all out of biscuits. It's...a rat.

-A rat?

-Eurgh!

Actually would you mind just holding onto it for...

No, course not, I'll just be a moment.

Watch it, Cat Food.

-All done?

-Prescription.

-Did he have his biscuits?

-He did.

-Thanks for that.

I hate coming to the doctors. Thanks.

OK, my love. Let's pop your legs up.

-OK.

-Ooh!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll sort your foot out and then I'll clean up your face.

Now, did you get caught up in the pet rat fiasco?

I don't particularly like rats myself.

They don't mean any harm but they get everywhere, don't they?

Little biters.

Mind you, she's nice, the girl with the rat in a box.

-Agh!

-Ooh, I'm sorry.

-No, I'm sorry.

-What for?

-I smell.

Those socks came from the other one. The young dude, not Dr Waistcoat.

-Kevin gave you his socks?

-Nah!

No, he gave them to the girl with the rat

so she'd give them to me so that she'd think he was nice.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, that figures. Well, however you got them, they're yours now.

They still had the label on.

THEY LAUGH

Just so we're clear,

I'm having a conference call for the next quarter of an hour,

so it's imperative I'm not interrupted.

Good girl. Thanks, Karen... Er, Lauren.

Yep. Good girl, carry on.

Now, you know the routine with your medication?

Yeah. Take as prescribed on the box. Complete the course.

Do not take anybody else's medication.

Do not drink alcohol while on medication.

-Do not pass go.

-Dennis...

I believe we can address your mental health issues

and we can get that infection under control if you play fair.

Best foot forward.

I'm sorry, that was such a bad pun!

-Do you like rats?

-Depends what kind.

Now, listen. You will go to St Edwin's tonight, you promise me?

They'll hold the bed for you until half five

but if you don't sign by then they'll give it to someone else.

-Some days I find myself talking to the rats.

-Don't we all?

And you will dry those out thoroughly

before you put them back on, won't you?

OK, OK, I promise. Now will you stop your moping?

According to the new girl, it's perfectly permissible...

I'm sorry. I'll come back later. It's not important.

It'll just be so much more embarrassing if you do.

It will, won't it?

I wanted to tell you I've been particularly impressed with Freya this morning,

but maybe I should be going the concerned colleague route.

Elaine. What do you think?

I was particularly impressed with Freya this morning!

Asleep at your desk. Was it worth it?

Michelin stars, Merlot, my man. Hell, yeah.

On a school night?

Some nights you just have to break free.

I drank Petrus once. On a Wednesday.

-I had a presentation the next day. I was in love.

-Really?

There's that time in a relationship when you can summon up images

of him making love to you and it feels like...

Driving too fast over a humpback bridge.

It does, it really does.

-Make the most of it. You're so lucky.

-Am I?

You have passion!

Humpback bridge-type passion! What more could you want?

You know what happens if you drive over a bridge too fast?

You end up with a broken camshaft and falling asleep at work.

That's what happens.

Because you're broken

and even though you think they might be able to fix you,

because if you believe it enough, they might. They can't.

Nobody can.

Hey, come on! This isn't like you.

OK, enough of the girlie share-time.

And she's back.

-And I cleaned him up as best I could.

-That's all you can do.

Here she is, the finder of the paper towels, the keeper of the rat. I don't know how you did it.

Just think of Wind In The Willows.

Good tip for future vermin incidents.

-So he got sorted.

-He did.

More to be pitied than scorned, eh?

Absolutely, yes. More to be pitied than scorned.

You could do with some air freshener in here. Bit of a pong.

You could do with something citrus in here after your tramp.

-And you think some fake lemon would help?

-Couldn't hurt.

Trauma, cellulitis, impetigo, tinea infections, leg ulcers,

stasis dermatitis, immersion foot, frostbite.

Do you want me to go on?

Pellagra, scurvy, scabies, seborrheic dermatitis. Heard enough?

Eczematous dermatitis, osteoporosis, and pruritus.

-I'm sorry...

-And yes, Dennis did smell,

but considering all the awful things homeless people have to face

I think we should try our best to overlook that, don't you?

I was insensitive, and I apologise. What will happen to him now?

If he keeps his promise he'll take his meds

and take the bed they've got at St Edwin's.

-His poor feet.

-He keeps his shoes on all the time. He has to.

He has to be able to escape.

-What from?

-Last night, bunch of drunks who gave him a good kicking.

Why didn't he just run away?

He's no Linford Christie, even with his pumps on.

They caught him and gave him a battering?

Sounds like something from Clockwork Orange.

-How can people be so vile?

-That's what binge drinking can do.

You going to be sick?

They're from Clegg and me. Thanks for being kind this morning.

Hey, listen, thanks for putting me right earlier.

-What?

-Homeless people. I guess I never really thought about them before.

If I did, I just thought they were lazy and feckless.

Most times they're not, are they?

No. No they're not.

And of course I know the effects of binge drinking

or "drinking too much", as we used to call it when I was at school.

I've been re-hydrating, I've had a least two litres of water today.

-How extreme was I, anyway?

-Pretty extreme.

You're normally better with hangovers.

I am!

I am.

I'm just out of practice.

You're never normally still feeling sick at half five.

You must have something catching! Eugh!

Oh, don't start!

I came over all queasy at lunchtime.

Then again, who wouldn't?

Have you ever seen Nurse Malone

eat a Fruits of the Forest, French set, sugar-free yoghurt?

She tickled the spoon with her tongue, Daniel.

She tickled the spoon!

Listen, I like to go to this really chic club in Birmingham.

-Isn't that an oxymoron?

-An oxy what?

You know, a contradiction, "chic club, Birmingham." "Friendly fire"?

Oh, stop messing.

-Goodnight, all.

-Night, Dr Granger.

Goodnight, Dr Carmichael. Hope you feel better in the morning.

-Maybe we could check it out together sometime.

-Course we could.

-About St Edwin's.

-St Edwin's?

I was thinking, if you didn't think it's inappropriate,

maybe I could pop by to see if he's checked in.

I'll give you a call. Put your mind at rest.

As long as he doesn't think we're snooping.

-No. I'd be the soul of discretion.

-You do know it's Friday night.

I thought maybe I could volunteer once I've settled in Letherbridge.

It'd be killing two birds with one stone.

Introducing myself at the hostel and doing a spot of reconnaissance.

I think that's a really good idea.

I'll give you a call then.

OK!

This isn't just a hangover.

No, you're right.

It must have been that Carpaccio I had last night.

You didn't have Carpaccio...

ZARA RETCHES

Ugh!

Here.

I didn't have Carpaccio last night!

What the hell was it?

This isn't just a hangover.

No, you're right, Daniel.

This is not just a hangover.

This is the mothership of all hangovers.

Yeah. As first days go, it was a breeze.

And I got flowers.

Thanks, Julia. My bus is here - I better go.

But I'll see you next week. Bye.

Hey! Hello Miss Ratty!

Have you got any spare change?

Spare? No, not if I do it right.

I intend on spending the lot.

Is that toast and Marmite?

Think you can manage a slice with a mug of tea?

Of course I can.

My own patented hangover cure.

Whoa! What is wrong with that?

Is it some weird supermarket own brand?

It's the real McCoy.

Well, Marmite always stops me feeling sick.

Have we got another kit?

Have you checked the drawers in bedside table?

Checked all your drawers.

Right.

I'll just, I'll go out and get one.

ANSWERPHONE: "Hi, this is Freya Wilson."

"Sorry I can't take your call right now

"but leave me a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks."

Hi Freya, it's me, Lauren.

It's eight on Friday.

I've just got in so I thought I'd give you a call.

Not such good news, I'm afraid.

I've just got back from St Edwin's and no sign of Dennis.

They don't need any volunteers, they're all Big Societied-up.

I just left my contact details.

Anyway, I'll see you Monday. Bye.

Well. Two chemists shut.

Then I thought, 24-hour supermarket.

Ta-da!

It doesn't matter.

I love you. That's what matters.

And you love me, so we're strong, we'll get through this.

I love you, Zara.

Oh!

We love each other, don't we?

We do.

I know we do, so that wasn't really a question.

There's no question.

We're sure of it.

We're enough.

And we'll always be enough.

There is a question, Daniel,

and I have to ask it, because I need to know the answer.

What?

When is it OK

to start referring to you

as Daddy?

What?

I mean, without it sounding too twee and syrupy?

I?

We?

Baby?

Baby!

-What do you want from me?

-You'll see.

-Look at this.

-I'm having lunch.

-It'll have to wait.

-Right, this could be serious.

-Please help me find him.

The solution to your problem is standing right here.

Adam?

Adam!

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