Life Extinct Doctors


Life Extinct

Karen's patient is dead, but that doesn't stop him causing her a whole heap of trouble. Lauren makes a good impression with Julia, while Elaine has a change of heart.


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Transcript


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Morning!

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We are cheery this morning(!)

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I thought we were starting afresh today.

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Putting it all behind us, looking to the future and all that.

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I'm working up to it.

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Well, today, I have the day out from behind the desk.

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I am Karen Hollins, healthcare assistant.

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A day of blood, sick and wee!

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Sounds like my job.

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Don't forget the phlegm!

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And the boils and the pus, the lesions and the geriatric toenails!

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Nothing defeats Super-Healthcare-Assistant!

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MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Mr Radley!

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Eddie! It's Karen.

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Karen, from The Mill.

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I've come to take your blood pressure.

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Only me!

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Eddie?

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Eddie, you've fallen asleep.

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I let myself in. I hope that's OK?

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Mr Radley?

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Eddie?

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Oh, my God!

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Eddie.

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LAUGHING

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-What?

-This is from Mrs Tembe.

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"Dear Mrs Parsons, I saw this photograph and I thought of you."

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Is that for me?

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I don't think that's funny.

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You know, before Mrs Tembe left, I was telling her about how much

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I would love to see the Okavango Delta and all that amazing wildlife.

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And she obviously saw this postcard and remembered what I said.

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Is she a bit...strange?

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Mrs Tembe? She's wonderful. I don't know how we'd manage without her.

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-Well, we are managing, aren't we?

-Well...

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I was just thinking, if she doesn't come back...

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-She is coming back.

-Yes, but if she doesn't...

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Then we'd need a new receptionist, wouldn't we?

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No!

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There's no battery!

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Um...

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Would you mind if I...?

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello, Mill Health Centre.

-'Hi, Lauren. It's Karen.'

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Could I speak to Heston, please?

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'Oh, he's not in yet.'

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What? I need him!

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I've got a dead body, and it's one of his,

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and it's... It's sitting in there and it's cold.

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-He's really cold...

-All right, Karen. Now, where are you?

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I'm in the hallway.

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No, I mean which patient are you with?

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I was only meant to take his blood pressure and now he's dead.

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Right, so you're with Edward Radley.

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'Fine, well, I'll send Heston over once he gets in.'

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-Now, what about the rest of your appointments?

-'I can't leave him.'

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Shall I send Imogen over to sit with the body?

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-What?

-Well, she's not doing anything useful over here.

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And then you can get on with your work. I think it's more efficient.

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Efficiency has not got anything to do with it!

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I'm not leaving, not until Heston gets here.

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All right, then.

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I'll rebook your appointments if you're sure you can cope.

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Of course I can cope!

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Will you just...

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get Heston here as quick as you can, please.

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All right.

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-Everything OK?

-Oh, yeah, fine.

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I'm just sending Heston out on a house call once he gets in.

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Heston's not in today.

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-Oh.

-It is in the book, look.

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Heston on leave.

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Jimmi on a course. Elaine at a funeral.

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What do you think I should do?

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I think that you need to assess, first of all, if the call is urgent.

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I mean, is the patient stable?

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Yeah.

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Fine. Well, I think you'll find that Kevin's on call.

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Stable?

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Well, he's not going anywhere, is he?

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Oh! Have you seen the dust on these shelves?

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Who's Charlie?

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Who's Charlie?

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Is that your brother? Is that dominoes man?

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'Letherbridge 5-8-6-5-2-9-4.

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'Leave a message.'

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Um... This is a message for Charlie Radley.

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I think you must be Eddie Radley's brother.

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He told me about you and your dominoes.

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I found your number by the phone.

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He's dead.

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I'm... I'm sorry!

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'Letherbridge 5-8-6-5-2-9-4.

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'Leave a message.'

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Mr Radley, this is Karen Hollins from The Mill Medical Centre.

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I'm just ringing to apologise.

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I'm really, really sorry for the message that I left.

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I should never have left a message like that on your answer machine.

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But, as I was saying,

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he, your brother,

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um...has passed away and gone to a better place,

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and I don't think he suffered...

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I don't think he did, anyway.

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And it would be really good if you could come to his house, to...

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Well, it would be good. Thank you.

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Bye. Bye-bye... Bye-bye.

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Oh, no.

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I'm so sorry,

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I'm really s...!

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You should have spoken to him, you'd have made more sense.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Where's Heston?

-At home, putting his classical CDs in alphabetical order,

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where else? Where's the patient?

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In the lounge.

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Well?

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-Who knows?

-What?

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He's an old man. And he died.

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According to his notes, he had problems with his heart.

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He saw Heston last week and Heston adjusted his drugs regime.

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I was meant to follow up this morning and check his blood pressure.

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He had a weak heart. What can I say?

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He probably didn't suffer. A short, sharp pain, and...

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Right.

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So, what now?

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That's it. I've officially established life extinct.

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I'll write up these notes and Heston gets to sign the death certificate.

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-You're not leaving?

-He's not going to get any better if I stay.

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But the next of kin's going to be here any minute!

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I'm sure you'll cope.

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Thank you very much for coming.

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SHOOTING ON TV

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Wow! Oh!

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Where's the...?

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Oh!

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Hello. I'm Dr Cassidy. I was Patrick's GP.

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So, you're the confessor.

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It's Maggie, isn't it?

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-He told you everything.

-I think it helped, especially towards the end.

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He said you disapproved, but you had to listen.

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Does Jenny know?

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Of course not.

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Just you, me and him...

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And he's not telling anyone.

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Not now.

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She doesn't need to know.

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Quite right.

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We mustn't hurt Jenny.

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She doesn't deserve it.

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She's been a good wife and mother.

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Oh, you are good at disapproval.

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I don't disapprove.

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Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

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Why are you here?

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I just wanted to say goodbye.

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Hiding behind gravestones,

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and lurking in the bushes, getting caught.

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You know, that's what it was all about for Patrick.

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He would have loved this -

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the grieving mistress and the disapproving doctor!

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I'm sorry.

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I'm sorry for your loss.

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-Charlie.

-Derek, actually.

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Meals on Wheels. Shepherd's pie for Eddie Radley.

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-Oh...

-Don't tell me, he's in the bath.

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No, he's dead. Well, he died.

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Oh. Can I see?

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No, you can't!

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-What do you think you're doing?

-I'm just having a look.

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I've never seen a corpse before.

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Not a real one.

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It's very pale, isn't it?

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His face is all weird. Has rigor mortis set in?

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It's none of your business!

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-Leave him alone!

-He doesn't look right.

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I think you should leave.

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-Says who?

-Says me.

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-Why? What are you hiding?

-I'm not hiding anything!

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He was fine yesterday.

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Yeah, well, he's not now.

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So why don't you get out before I call the police.

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Well, maybe you should.

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It's a suspicious death, that's what this is. All right, I'm going.

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Who are you, anyway?

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What have you done to Eddie Radley?!

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-Very impressive!

-It was all getting a bit dusty.

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-Yeah, I noticed that.

-Afternoon, Julia, Lauren.

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Isn't it your day off today?

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It was, until the delightful Miss Porter sweet-talked me

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into helping out this afternoon.

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I thought he wouldn't mind if I asked him nicely.

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Clearly not.

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Sorry about this.

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Do you think I should call him again?

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He might not have got my messages.

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I'm going to give him another half an hour.

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TUMMY RUMBLES

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Was that you or me?!

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MICROWAVE BEEPS

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Ah, is that my cottage pie?

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It's shepherd's pie.

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I never know the difference.

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Lamb, not beef. Why aren't you dead?

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Ah. You've met Charlie, then?

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Charlie?

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Yeah, I hope he didn't cause you any trouble.

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I thought you might still be here.

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How was the party?

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Oh, some tears. A few smiles.

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There were a lot of people. He had a lot of friends.

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No-one knew him like me.

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No.

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Oh, I hate this!

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Why am I crying?

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Patrick was all about...

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joy and...

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happiness,

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spontaneous living.

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No cares, no ties, just the joy of stealing time together.

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How can I be sorry I had ALL that?

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When did you see him last?

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April. The last weekend in April.

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His relapse?

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I was with him.

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I called the ambulance.

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And you didn't try to see him?

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You don't understand.

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When you're in a relationship with a married man, there are rules.

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His wife and his family come first.

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He won't say that. He doesn't need to.

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You don't call him at home, unless you know he's alone.

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You don't wear perfume.

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You don't complain when he takes a shower before he leaves you.

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Washes every trace of you from his body,

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like dirt.

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You learn to love his children.

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I saw them today.

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The first time I've seen them for real.

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I've had their birthdays in my diary for six years!

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And now?

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And now he's dead.

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And I'm still stuck on the outside.

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Look at me!

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He's dead and I'm still keeping his secret,

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hiding from Jenny and the kids!

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-But...

-Oh, yeah. Here comes the disapproval.

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If you had your time over...?

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I wouldn't change a thing!

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So, that's your brother? That's Charlie?

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Yeah. Disreputable old bugger.

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I'm surprised he's lasted this long.

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Always comes round every Thursday night for dominoes,

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a drop of rum and a video.

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A bit of Abbott and Costello or The Three Stooges, you know.

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Anyway, last night Charlie dropped off

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halfway through Have Rocket, Will Travel,

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and never woke up.

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I'm so sorry.

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Dodgy tickers, both of us, you know.

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Just ask Dr Carter.

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We had a fiver on who'd go first -

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he won!

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Anyway, there's nothing I could've done about it last night.

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I was going to call an ambulance, but it wouldn't have done any good.

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No point in wasting their time.

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-So what did you do?

-I went to bed.

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You need your rest at my age.

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First thing this morning, I went round every undertaker in the town.

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Got the best deal.

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Forgot about our appointment.

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Well, you had a lot on your mind.

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Still. I enjoy our little chats.

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Actually, seeing as how you're here...

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How can I help?

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Well, the undertaker said I've got to get a doctor to see him, you know,

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to get a certificate or something.

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Don't worry about that, it's all sorted.

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Eddie, the death certificate's got your name on it!

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PHONE RINGS

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-Mill Health Centre.

-'Get Kevin. I need to speak to Kevin.'

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-I can't. He's with Heston.

-What?!

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I thought you said he was out this afternoon?

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Well, he was, but I persuaded him to come in.

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Um...

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Break the door down if you have to.

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Don't let Heston fill in the death certificate. It's really important.

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That's her. Ask her what she's done to Eddie Radley.

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Hello, love.

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There's actually something you need to know.

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Are you telling me that you and this woman are married to each other?

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-Yep.

-But she's the prime suspect.

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You can't investigate your own wife!

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You think my wife murdered this man?

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Eddie Radley was alive and well yesterday.

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He had fish pie, apple crumble and custard.

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And the fish pie nearly killed me,

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but not quite!

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And you are?

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This is Eddie. That's Charlie, his identical twin brother.

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Identical twins?

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Yeah.

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But we've just responded to a report of suspicious circumstances

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surrounding the death of Edward Radley.

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That's me.

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How do I know that?

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He has a point. And it does say Edward Radley

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on the death certificate.

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What?

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There might be a death certificate.

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OK, can anybody formally identify

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the deceased gentleman in the armchair?

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If I say he's me, would it help?

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No.

0:20:050:20:07

Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of this, do you?

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That is Eddie Radley, dead as a Dodo, and this is all a conspiracy!

0:20:090:20:13

We will get to the bottom of this,

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-Mr Charlton. In the meantime...

-Oh, you're in on it, as well,

0:20:150:20:18

-aren't you? You and her? And him.

-Like I say, we will fully investigate...

0:20:180:20:23

I demand an investigation by a higher authority!

0:20:230:20:26

-Lauren, I'm not easily impressed, but...

-Thanks, Julia.

0:20:400:20:44

If Mrs Tembe doesn't come back, well, who knows.

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Come in.

0:20:540:20:55

This is Helen Waterman

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from the coroner's office. She's very kindly agreed to join us today.

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It's always good to get out of the office,

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even on such a sorrowful occasion such as this.

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This is my wife, Karen Hollins, who found the deceased this morning.

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This is, I believe, to be Edward Radley.

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This is Derek Charlton, who wants to ask a few questions.

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Constable Hughes.

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And this is, for the sake of argument, probably Charles Radley.

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Thank you, Sergeant. My condolences to you, Mr Radley.

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I'm sure we can sort this out very quickly.

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But first, shall we just take a moment

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to reflect on the solemnity of this occasion?

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Karen? Oh, there you are!

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What... What on...?

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Helen! What are y...?

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Eddie?

0:21:470:21:49

I am so sorry.

0:21:490:21:50

No great surprise, Dr Carter.

0:21:500:21:53

But still...

0:21:530:21:55

This is extraordinary. Yes, Rob.

0:21:550:21:57

Um...

0:21:570:21:59

Dr Heston Carter, GP.

0:21:590:22:01

Derek.

0:22:010:22:02

-This is Dr Tyler.

-Hello.

0:22:020:22:05

-HE WHISPERS:

-What is happening?

0:22:050:22:07

Just what I'm trying to find out, Heston.

0:22:070:22:09

Indeed.

0:22:090:22:10

Karen, shall we start with you?

0:22:100:22:13

-Karen?

-Yes, ma'am.

0:22:130:22:16

-Just "Helen" will do.

-Thank you.

0:22:160:22:18

KNOCKING

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Perhaps you could wait over there.

0:22:210:22:23

We're a bit crowded in here.

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It's Moe, Larry and Curly!

0:22:320:22:35

Charlie, you're going to be buried by The Three Stooges!

0:22:350:22:39

Karen?

0:22:400:22:41

Oh... Eddie's right.

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This is ridiculous!

0:22:450:22:46

Helen, Charlie died last night.

0:22:460:22:50

He died a perfect death, a painless death in his brother's house,

0:22:500:22:53

-after a night of dominoes and daft videos.

-And a drop of rum!

0:22:530:22:57

And a drop of medicinal rum.

0:22:570:23:00

He couldn't have planned it better. And that should have been that.

0:23:000:23:04

Eddie had everything under control.

0:23:040:23:06

He got a good night's sleep, he went out and booked the undertakers.

0:23:060:23:10

And then Super-Healthcare-Assistant came to the rescue,

0:23:100:23:15

and got the wrong end of the stick, and here we all are.

0:23:150:23:18

Derek, here, he thinks there's some dastardly plot,

0:23:180:23:21

the police get involved, the coroner's office.

0:23:210:23:23

Kevin got Heston to sign the wrong name on the death certificate...

0:23:230:23:27

-Hang on!

-What's that?

0:23:270:23:29

It's in his pocket.

0:23:290:23:31

I was rather hoping we could gloss over that,

0:23:320:23:34

it's not a death certificate,

0:23:340:23:35

it's a medical certificate of cause of death,

0:23:350:23:38

it's quite different.

0:23:380:23:39

And besides, I had no reason to doubt my colleague's report

0:23:390:23:43

of poor Eddie's death.

0:23:430:23:45

He was!

0:23:450:23:47

It won't be long, Dr Carter.

0:23:470:23:49

Well, if you stick to the regime.

0:23:490:23:51

-Have you taken his blood pressure?

-I've been a bit busy.

0:23:510:23:54

It's all lies!

0:23:540:23:56

I mean,

0:23:560:23:58

it can't be true! It's ridiculous, isn't it?

0:23:580:24:01

Can I see that certificate?

0:24:010:24:03

She identified the body. Not me.

0:24:080:24:12

Maybe we could tear it up and...write a new one.

0:24:160:24:20

Excellent idea.

0:24:280:24:29

And Heston, you'll issue a new MCCD?

0:24:290:24:33

-Oh, I assume so.

-And void this one.

0:24:330:24:35

Indeed.

0:24:350:24:37

Well, I think we're done.

0:24:370:24:40

With your permission, Mr Radley,

0:24:400:24:42

I think we'll let these gentlemen do their work.

0:24:420:24:45

Actually, before you all go, I'd like to say something,

0:24:450:24:50

if that's all right.

0:24:500:24:52

I'd like to thank Karen, here,

0:24:520:24:55

for making a right pig's ear of everything!

0:24:550:24:58

I know she thinks she let Charlie and me down.

0:24:580:25:02

But...I know Charlie,

0:25:020:25:04

he's been sitting there all day

0:25:040:25:08

watching this woman digging herself an almighty big hole,

0:25:080:25:13

and he's loved every minute of it!

0:25:130:25:16

Well, he always did like a bit of comedy.

0:25:160:25:19

Anyway. Charlie and me had a bet.

0:25:210:25:25

He bet there'd be more people at his funeral than mine.

0:25:250:25:29

Now Charlie's gone and beat me to it.

0:25:290:25:32

I don't expect anyone'll turn up to mine.

0:25:330:25:37

I was relying on him!

0:25:370:25:39

But, if any of you fancy helping Charlie make his money,

0:25:390:25:45

there's a glass of rum in it for all you.

0:25:450:25:47

It's me. Can you talk?

0:26:120:26:14

OK, just listen.

0:26:140:26:18

We need rules.

0:26:180:26:19

Rule number one,

0:26:190:26:21

no evidence.

0:26:210:26:23

No letters, no e-mails, no phone messages.

0:26:230:26:26

Nothing to connect you to me.

0:26:270:26:29

I work at The Mill Health Centre.

0:27:010:27:03

I ought to get myself registered.

0:27:030:27:05

I might look you up.

0:27:050:27:06

-To us.

-This feels wrong.

0:27:060:27:09

Who is he?

0:27:090:27:10

What is he doing in my house?

0:27:100:27:12

It's OK.

0:27:120:27:13

-I've got to get on.

-OK.

0:27:130:27:15

Well, I will catch you later.

0:27:150:27:18

I've been exceptionally tolerant.

0:27:180:27:20

And how do you pay me back? You sneak around my house like a thief!

0:27:200:27:23

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