Life Extinct Doctors

Morning!

We are cheery this morning(!)

I thought we were starting afresh today.

Putting it all behind us, looking to the future and all that.

I'm working up to it.

Well, today, I have the day out from behind the desk.

I am Karen Hollins, healthcare assistant.

A day of blood, sick and wee!

Sounds like my job.

Don't forget the phlegm!

And the boils and the pus, the lesions and the geriatric toenails!

Nothing defeats Super-Healthcare-Assistant!

MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR

DOORBELL RINGS

Mr Radley!

Eddie! It's Karen.

Karen, from The Mill.

I've come to take your blood pressure.

Only me!

Eddie?

Eddie, you've fallen asleep.

I let myself in. I hope that's OK?

Mr Radley?

Eddie?

Oh, my God!

Eddie.

LAUGHING

-What?

-This is from Mrs Tembe.

"Dear Mrs Parsons, I saw this photograph and I thought of you."

Is that for me?

I don't think that's funny.

You know, before Mrs Tembe left, I was telling her about how much

I would love to see the Okavango Delta and all that amazing wildlife.

And she obviously saw this postcard and remembered what I said.

Is she a bit...strange?

Mrs Tembe? She's wonderful. I don't know how we'd manage without her.

-Well, we are managing, aren't we?

-Well...

I was just thinking, if she doesn't come back...

-She is coming back.

-Yes, but if she doesn't...

Then we'd need a new receptionist, wouldn't we?

No!

There's no battery!

Um...

Would you mind if I...?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Mill Health Centre.

-'Hi, Lauren. It's Karen.'

Could I speak to Heston, please?

'Oh, he's not in yet.'

What? I need him!

I've got a dead body, and it's one of his,

and it's... It's sitting in there and it's cold.

-He's really cold...

-All right, Karen. Now, where are you?

I'm in the hallway.

No, I mean which patient are you with?

I was only meant to take his blood pressure and now he's dead.

Right, so you're with Edward Radley.

'Fine, well, I'll send Heston over once he gets in.'

-Now, what about the rest of your appointments?

-'I can't leave him.'

Shall I send Imogen over to sit with the body?

-What?

-Well, she's not doing anything useful over here.

And then you can get on with your work. I think it's more efficient.

Efficiency has not got anything to do with it!

I'm not leaving, not until Heston gets here.

All right, then.

I'll rebook your appointments if you're sure you can cope.

Of course I can cope!

Will you just...

get Heston here as quick as you can, please.

All right.

-Everything OK?

-Oh, yeah, fine.

I'm just sending Heston out on a house call once he gets in.

Heston's not in today.

-Oh.

-It is in the book, look.

Heston on leave.

Jimmi on a course. Elaine at a funeral.

What do you think I should do?

I think that you need to assess, first of all, if the call is urgent.

I mean, is the patient stable?

Yeah.

Fine. Well, I think you'll find that Kevin's on call.

Stable?

Well, he's not going anywhere, is he?

Oh! Have you seen the dust on these shelves?

Who's Charlie?

Who's Charlie?

Is that your brother? Is that dominoes man?

'Letherbridge 5-8-6-5-2-9-4.

'Leave a message.'

Um... This is a message for Charlie Radley.

I think you must be Eddie Radley's brother.

He told me about you and your dominoes.

I found your number by the phone.

He's dead.

I'm... I'm sorry!

'Letherbridge 5-8-6-5-2-9-4.

'Leave a message.'

Mr Radley, this is Karen Hollins from The Mill Medical Centre.

I'm just ringing to apologise.

I'm really, really sorry for the message that I left.

I should never have left a message like that on your answer machine.

But, as I was saying,

he, your brother,

um...has passed away and gone to a better place,

and I don't think he suffered...

I don't think he did, anyway.

And it would be really good if you could come to his house, to...

Well, it would be good. Thank you.

Bye. Bye-bye... Bye-bye.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry,

I'm really s...!

You should have spoken to him, you'd have made more sense.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Where's Heston?

-At home, putting his classical CDs in alphabetical order,

where else? Where's the patient?

In the lounge.

Well?

-Who knows?

-What?

He's an old man. And he died.

According to his notes, he had problems with his heart.

He saw Heston last week and Heston adjusted his drugs regime.

I was meant to follow up this morning and check his blood pressure.

He had a weak heart. What can I say?

He probably didn't suffer. A short, sharp pain, and...

Right.

So, what now?

That's it. I've officially established life extinct.

I'll write up these notes and Heston gets to sign the death certificate.

-You're not leaving?

-He's not going to get any better if I stay.

But the next of kin's going to be here any minute!

I'm sure you'll cope.

Thank you very much for coming.

SHOOTING ON TV

Wow! Oh!

Where's the...?

Oh!

Hello. I'm Dr Cassidy. I was Patrick's GP.

So, you're the confessor.

It's Maggie, isn't it?

-He told you everything.

-I think it helped, especially towards the end.

He said you disapproved, but you had to listen.

Does Jenny know?

Of course not.

Just you, me and him...

And he's not telling anyone.

Not now.

She doesn't need to know.

Quite right.

We mustn't hurt Jenny.

She doesn't deserve it.

She's been a good wife and mother.

Oh, you are good at disapproval.

I don't disapprove.

Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

Why are you here?

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Hiding behind gravestones,

and lurking in the bushes, getting caught.

You know, that's what it was all about for Patrick.

He would have loved this -

the grieving mistress and the disapproving doctor!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss.

-Charlie.

-Derek, actually.

Meals on Wheels. Shepherd's pie for Eddie Radley.

-Oh...

-Don't tell me, he's in the bath.

No, he's dead. Well, he died.

Oh. Can I see?

No, you can't!

-What do you think you're doing?

-I'm just having a look.

I've never seen a corpse before.

Not a real one.

It's very pale, isn't it?

His face is all weird. Has rigor mortis set in?

It's none of your business!

-Leave him alone!

-He doesn't look right.

I think you should leave.

-Says who?

-Says me.

-Why? What are you hiding?

-I'm not hiding anything!

He was fine yesterday.

Yeah, well, he's not now.

So why don't you get out before I call the police.

Well, maybe you should.

It's a suspicious death, that's what this is. All right, I'm going.

Who are you, anyway?

What have you done to Eddie Radley?!

-Very impressive!

-It was all getting a bit dusty.

-Yeah, I noticed that.

-Afternoon, Julia, Lauren.

Isn't it your day off today?

It was, until the delightful Miss Porter sweet-talked me

into helping out this afternoon.

I thought he wouldn't mind if I asked him nicely.

Clearly not.

Sorry about this.

Do you think I should call him again?

He might not have got my messages.

I'm going to give him another half an hour.

TUMMY RUMBLES

Was that you or me?!

MICROWAVE BEEPS

Ah, is that my cottage pie?

It's shepherd's pie.

I never know the difference.

Lamb, not beef. Why aren't you dead?

Ah. You've met Charlie, then?

Charlie?

Yeah, I hope he didn't cause you any trouble.

I thought you might still be here.

How was the party?

Oh, some tears. A few smiles.

There were a lot of people. He had a lot of friends.

No-one knew him like me.

No.

Oh, I hate this!

Why am I crying?

Patrick was all about...

joy and...

happiness,

spontaneous living.

No cares, no ties, just the joy of stealing time together.

How can I be sorry I had ALL that?

When did you see him last?

April. The last weekend in April.

His relapse?

I was with him.

I called the ambulance.

And you didn't try to see him?

You don't understand.

When you're in a relationship with a married man, there are rules.

His wife and his family come first.

He won't say that. He doesn't need to.

You don't call him at home, unless you know he's alone.

You don't wear perfume.

You don't complain when he takes a shower before he leaves you.

Washes every trace of you from his body,

like dirt.

You learn to love his children.

I saw them today.

The first time I've seen them for real.

I've had their birthdays in my diary for six years!

And now?

And now he's dead.

And I'm still stuck on the outside.

Look at me!

He's dead and I'm still keeping his secret,

hiding from Jenny and the kids!

-But...

-Oh, yeah. Here comes the disapproval.

If you had your time over...?

I wouldn't change a thing!

So, that's your brother? That's Charlie?

Yeah. Disreputable old bugger.

I'm surprised he's lasted this long.

Always comes round every Thursday night for dominoes,

a drop of rum and a video.

A bit of Abbott and Costello or The Three Stooges, you know.

Anyway, last night Charlie dropped off

halfway through Have Rocket, Will Travel,

and never woke up.

I'm so sorry.

Dodgy tickers, both of us, you know.

Just ask Dr Carter.

We had a fiver on who'd go first -

he won!

Anyway, there's nothing I could've done about it last night.

I was going to call an ambulance, but it wouldn't have done any good.

No point in wasting their time.

-So what did you do?

-I went to bed.

You need your rest at my age.

First thing this morning, I went round every undertaker in the town.

Got the best deal.

Forgot about our appointment.

Well, you had a lot on your mind.

Still. I enjoy our little chats.

Actually, seeing as how you're here...

How can I help?

Well, the undertaker said I've got to get a doctor to see him, you know,

to get a certificate or something.

Don't worry about that, it's all sorted.

Eddie, the death certificate's got your name on it!

PHONE RINGS

-Mill Health Centre.

-'Get Kevin. I need to speak to Kevin.'

-I can't. He's with Heston.

-What?!

I thought you said he was out this afternoon?

Well, he was, but I persuaded him to come in.

Um...

DOORBELL RINGS

Break the door down if you have to.

Don't let Heston fill in the death certificate. It's really important.

That's her. Ask her what she's done to Eddie Radley.

Hello, love.

There's actually something you need to know.

Are you telling me that you and this woman are married to each other?

-Yep.

-But she's the prime suspect.

You can't investigate your own wife!

You think my wife murdered this man?

Eddie Radley was alive and well yesterday.

He had fish pie, apple crumble and custard.

And the fish pie nearly killed me,

but not quite!

And you are?

This is Eddie. That's Charlie, his identical twin brother.

Identical twins?

Yeah.

But we've just responded to a report of suspicious circumstances

surrounding the death of Edward Radley.

That's me.

How do I know that?

He has a point. And it does say Edward Radley

on the death certificate.

What?

There might be a death certificate.

OK, can anybody formally identify

the deceased gentleman in the armchair?

If I say he's me, would it help?

No.

Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of this, do you?

That is Eddie Radley, dead as a Dodo, and this is all a conspiracy!

We will get to the bottom of this,

-Mr Charlton. In the meantime...

-Oh, you're in on it, as well,

-aren't you? You and her? And him.

-Like I say, we will fully investigate...

I demand an investigation by a higher authority!

-Lauren, I'm not easily impressed, but...

-Thanks, Julia.

If Mrs Tembe doesn't come back, well, who knows.

Come in.

This is Helen Waterman

from the coroner's office. She's very kindly agreed to join us today.

It's always good to get out of the office,

even on such a sorrowful occasion such as this.

This is my wife, Karen Hollins, who found the deceased this morning.

This is, I believe, to be Edward Radley.

This is Derek Charlton, who wants to ask a few questions.

Constable Hughes.

And this is, for the sake of argument, probably Charles Radley.

Thank you, Sergeant. My condolences to you, Mr Radley.

I'm sure we can sort this out very quickly.

But first, shall we just take a moment

to reflect on the solemnity of this occasion?

Karen? Oh, there you are!

What... What on...?

Helen! What are y...?

Eddie?

I am so sorry.

No great surprise, Dr Carter.

But still...

This is extraordinary. Yes, Rob.

Um...

Dr Heston Carter, GP.

Derek.

-This is Dr Tyler.

-Hello.

-HE WHISPERS:

-What is happening?

Just what I'm trying to find out, Heston.

Indeed.

Karen, shall we start with you?

-Karen?

-Yes, ma'am.

-Just "Helen" will do.

-Thank you.

KNOCKING

Perhaps you could wait over there.

We're a bit crowded in here.

It's Moe, Larry and Curly!

Charlie, you're going to be buried by The Three Stooges!

Karen?

Oh... Eddie's right.

This is ridiculous!

Helen, Charlie died last night.

He died a perfect death, a painless death in his brother's house,

-after a night of dominoes and daft videos.

-And a drop of rum!

And a drop of medicinal rum.

He couldn't have planned it better. And that should have been that.

Eddie had everything under control.

He got a good night's sleep, he went out and booked the undertakers.

And then Super-Healthcare-Assistant came to the rescue,

and got the wrong end of the stick, and here we all are.

Derek, here, he thinks there's some dastardly plot,

the police get involved, the coroner's office.

Kevin got Heston to sign the wrong name on the death certificate...

-Hang on!

-What's that?

It's in his pocket.

I was rather hoping we could gloss over that,

it's not a death certificate,

it's a medical certificate of cause of death,

it's quite different.

And besides, I had no reason to doubt my colleague's report

of poor Eddie's death.

He was!

It won't be long, Dr Carter.

Well, if you stick to the regime.

-Have you taken his blood pressure?

-I've been a bit busy.

It's all lies!

I mean,

it can't be true! It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Can I see that certificate?

She identified the body. Not me.

Maybe we could tear it up and...write a new one.

Excellent idea.

And Heston, you'll issue a new MCCD?

-Oh, I assume so.

-And void this one.

Indeed.

Well, I think we're done.

With your permission, Mr Radley,

I think we'll let these gentlemen do their work.

Actually, before you all go, I'd like to say something,

if that's all right.

I'd like to thank Karen, here,

for making a right pig's ear of everything!

I know she thinks she let Charlie and me down.

But...I know Charlie,

he's been sitting there all day

watching this woman digging herself an almighty big hole,

and he's loved every minute of it!

Well, he always did like a bit of comedy.

Anyway. Charlie and me had a bet.

He bet there'd be more people at his funeral than mine.

Now Charlie's gone and beat me to it.

I don't expect anyone'll turn up to mine.

I was relying on him!

But, if any of you fancy helping Charlie make his money,

there's a glass of rum in it for all you.

It's me. Can you talk?

OK, just listen.

We need rules.

Rule number one,

no evidence.

No letters, no e-mails, no phone messages.

Nothing to connect you to me.

I work at The Mill Health Centre.

I ought to get myself registered.

I might look you up.

-To us.

-This feels wrong.

Who is he?

What is he doing in my house?

It's OK.

-I've got to get on.

-OK.

Well, I will catch you later.

I've been exceptionally tolerant.

And how do you pay me back? You sneak around my house like a thief!

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