Out of the Loop Doctors

We're out of the strategy meeting, so it's the chocolate people then you.

I'm not being racist. It's a chocolate factory - they make chocolate!

What is this?

-A press release?

-Wrong. Sniff it.

Can you smell anything? I can. It's a steaming pile of horse manure.

How many times have I told you not to use the P-word?

People will think we're going to bulldoze kiddie cancer wards

or make supermarkets take over heart operations.

-I didn't. These are Paul's.

-Don't blame other people. Fix it!

Did Paul tell you to change the press release?

Yes, well, I didn't authorise it. We need to go back to my draft.

And make sure they announce Kenneth as minister.

Someone called him junior minister this morning and he went this weird puce colour. Puce, not puke.

Kind of dark purple. Well, that's the kind of worldly knowledge you'll gain if you ever get a girlfriend.

CAMERA CLICKS

Tell your editor he can stick his telephoto lens up his...!

No, not you. Listen, just get the announcement right

and e-mail me the press release.

And if you get any more cleaning company quotes,

put them in the quotes spreadsheet.

And could you please make sure the prescriptions go to the PPA?

-By the end of the day.

-Have I said that before?

-Once or twice.

-It's best to be prepared, in case I'm back late.

It's a PCT meeting! You're not climbing Mount Everest.

No, climbing Mount Everest takes far less preparation.

Mill Health Centre.

It's someone from St Phil's.

She wants to know, are you going to the lunchtime talk,

only you haven't got back to them and they want to do the name badges.

-She must mean the one tomorrow.

-Do you mean the one tomorrow?

With the Health Minister?

One o'clock today.

SHE MOUTHS

She'll call you back.

You didn't check?

Of course I checked!

They must have moved it or something!

Daniel? How do you feel about making NHS history today, lunchtime?

I'd rather make history with my sandwich, thank you.

Well, it's a big one.

The minister's making an announcement about hospital funding.

He'll have to push on without me. I've got a diabetes clinic. Have you tried...

-Heston!

-Julia.

-What are you doing at one o'clock today?

-Seeing patients?

-Fancy meeting a government minister?

As long as it's not Kenneth Dudley.

Oh.

Yes. But you do think it's important

that the practice is involved in NHS finance discussions?

Oh, yes, the talk at St Phil's. I've got difficult patients to see.

Why don't you try Zara? I'm sure she'd love to suck up to NHS bigwigs.

No, there's a problem with that.

Could you look at that? I think they've invoiced us twice.

I don't know why I gave her the day off! I should've said no.

-This is turning into a complete nightmare.

-Why don't you give her a call?

No, I can't. It sounded like it was important.

-Mind the sides!

-Excuse me, people are trying to park here!

-We won't be long.

-We're in the middle of a very delicate operation.

Believe me, I've done vasectomies faster.

Oh, are you a...

-What is that?!

-Frogspawn.

You need to be very gentle with them. They're only two days old.

Forgive me, but couldn't you find a village pond to do whatever this is?

That's exactly the problem!

-I don't have a pond.

-My sister's appallingly soft-hearted.

A frog from the neighbours' jumped into her garden

and she put out a dustbin lid of water for it to live in.

-I didn't know he'd have babies!

-But I have a pond. So here we are.

We thought we'd make a day of it. Come to Birmingham, do some shopping.

We don't see each other that much now. Wendy lives in Stratford, I'm still in Hatherton.

CAR ENGINE REVS

-Are you all right, pet?

-Typical!

Oh, Doctor, Doctor!

I can manage, thanks. I'm perfectly all... Ow!

-Let me take a look. I'm a doctor.

-I'm fine, I just need to...

Wait till I've checked that isn't broken.

I'd know if I'd broken my own... Ow! Are you even a real doctor?

You could be a doctor of marine biology.

I'm a partner at the Mill Health Centre in Letherbridge.

And that's not broken. Just twisted.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Stop chit-chatting and get in the damn car!

You need to put it on ice and keep it rested.

Some of us have jobs where we don't have that luxury.

-What a rude woman!

-Nothing like a bit of drama to set you up for a shopping trip.

-You're not taking that shopping?

-We can't leave it in the car.

They'll boil to death! Like those dogs you hear about.

What kind of person would leave frogspawn in a car?

-Er, no, I suppose you wouldn't.

-It's coming for brunch with us!

We're going to Vincenzo's!

Then to the shops to get those curtains you need.

-Maybe even a cream tea!

-Er...

-She thinks they're overpriced.

-Enjoy your day.

-Oh, we will...

Of course I didn't write the figures down. I was busy being ministerial.

It's OK, I wrote them down on my copy.

Stop!

Stop!

-What is it?!

-I've left my security pass in the town hall.

I'll get the train and meet you there.

Women!

Thank you.

-What are you doing?

-I just want to check they're OK.

They'll be fine. Stop fussing!

Keep it the right way up. And make sure they're in the shade!

What?

We don't want them to hatch.

You're safe. She's back in her lair.

Ah. She mentioned the meeting to you too, then?

Julia should be dealing with this so we can get on with our clinical work.

-How was your alibi?

-A bit flimsy.

I'm sick of all these meetings.

First we're running into GP consortia, now we're getting involved in hospital funding.

We have to make a stand.

-You've got my vote on that.

-Starting now.

-OK!

And if that doesn't work, she can arrange cover.

The Mill Health Centre, Letherbridge.

I hear you've got the Menaces later.

Yes, I have to explain to Menace Senior

that the reason his bad back does not pass muster for disability living allowance

is not because "the Social are out to get him".

Hmm! Lucky you're here. He almost punched Jimmi on the nose last time he couldn't see you.

-That was only cos his son's verruca hadn't cleared up.

-OK, I get the message.

I've finished all my stuff. Can I help you?

-No. Everything's under control, thank you, Karen.

-PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre.

I need to speak to one of your female doctors.

About 5'7", black shoulder-length hair. Rude.

-Dr Carmichael's not in today.

-Then could you put me through to her mobile?

I can't do that. Data protection.

I think you'll find that the Data Protection Act

only prevents you from giving OUT information, so you could transfer me directly,

depending on the capability of your phone system to mask caller ID, or get her to call me back.

-I could try and give her a message.

-You'll do more than try.

She's just treated me in a Birmingham car park and if I can't speak to her

-I'll be lodging a complaint with the GMC for medical negligence.

-Medical negligence?!

-What's going on?

-That woman has just said that Zara has treated her in a car park. In the city.

I must say, you tell a convincing lie.

I thank you. And you, my friend, are an unparalleled acting talent!

This is an historic first step

against the onslaught of pointless meetings.

She would do well to remember

-we are not administrators.

-And what's wrong with being an administrator?

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

-She's not going to be happy when she finds out!

-Karen, we made a stand.

-She's having a nervous breakdown out there

and you two are just being selfish.

Karen! Please...

Julia. Can I have a word?

Karen, could you just use your initiative?

It's a very simple list of jobs.

Surely you can manage that without coming and pestering me.

All right then, what did you want?

It doesn't matter.

RINGING

Dr Carmichael speaking. You asked me to call you.

-Did you take my bag?

-Excuse me?!

-I've got someone else's bag. They must have got mixed up.

Well, it's not mine...

unless you've got one of those Spring/Summer Prada clutches with the orange stripes.

Then I'll definitely swap.

Sadly not. This one's got a clutch of something far more unpleasant.

-Something squishy?

-How do you...?

I know whose that is. Those two old bats from the car park.

They were planning to take it for brunch at Vincenzo's,

can you believe...?! PHONE RINGS

Don't worry, panic over. Took a bit of haggling with security

but I've got it. On my way to the station.

Make sure you get here in time to go through the speech.

I do not expect my advisers to be leaping out of cars and heading off

into the wild blue yonder two hours before a major policy announcement.

And what are you smirking at?

PHONE RINGS

Julia, again.

I wouldn't be asking if this meeting wasn't important.

-Can't Heston go? Or Daniel?

-Daniel's got his diabetes clinic

and Heston's got a difficult patient.

Oh, boo-hoo(!)

Look, I'd love to go but it's physically impossible.

You're only in Birmingham. You could get there quite easily, you know.

This is looking as if you're not taking your partnership responsibilities very seriously.

Of course I'm taking my partnership responsibilities seriously,

and if you'd asked me earlier I would've been happy to go. But as it is,

I am visiting a friend who is having an operation at the Queen Elizabeth.

Oh. Sorry.

So, unless you've got a sick friend depending on you, I suggest you go if you can't find anyone else.

SHE GROWLS

Remind me never to call her on her day off again.

-Who?

-Zara.

-Zara's got the day off?

-Yeah, didn't she tell you?

-It was a bit last minute. She's visiting a friend in hospital.

-Oh. Did she say which friend?

Which hospital?

-Is there something I should know about?

-No, nothing.

£25.50. Of course, everything's gone up, thanks to your government.

You can't blame the government for the price of your eggs Benedict.

Don't you understand anything about economics?

Look, there at the bottom. VAT, 20%.

Who do you think put it up? Father Christmas?

Well, we all have to do our bit now we're in a recession.

Thank you. It was lovely.

Well, don't come crying to me when they close your local hospital.

They won't do that!

The Prime Minister cares about the NHS.

Anyway, let's talk about something nicer.

Have you got anything for Danni's wedding yet?

I thought I might go for something strapless this time. What do you think?

Let's get the curtains out of the way first, shall we?

We could start at Debenhams. Then we can do dresses and curtains.

We're not in The Sound Of Music!

You don't need to mother them!

Well, order them some sandwiches. You know journalists when they don't get fed.

Waiter!

Has anyone seen two middle-aged sisters having a meal in here?

-'Hi, this is Zara Carmichael. Leave a message.'

-Oh!

Well...if we could just move it back by a couple of hours.

There must be other members of the PCT going to the minister's talk, surely.

No, of course I understand.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

'Hi, this is Zara Carmichael. Leave a message.'

Hey!

PHONE RINGS

Kenneth!

There you are. I need the headline cost-saving figures

for the hospital services initiative.

The ones we discussed this morning, remember?

-'You wrote them on your copy.'

-I know which ones. We can go over them with the speech.

SCANNER BEEPS

I need them now! Paul and I are working on the speech.

-Paul? But it's my speech...

-Actually, it's my speech.

And Paul is here and you are not.

And if those figures are not in my inbox in the next five minutes,

I can make that arrangement permanent.

-Oh, shhh...ugar!

-Marion!

"Department Of Health... Hospital Funding..."

It must be that rude lady's from the car park!

-Ooh, what's this?

-If it's something official, we should take it straight to the police.

It says they want private companies to bid for all these services!

-That's not what he said on the telly!

-You shouldn't be reading it.

It's got "Secret" on!

This is in the public interest. It's our right to read it.

In fact, we should be giving it to a newspaper so everyone knows.

I don't want to get into trouble.

That's always you, isn't it?

"Don't want to get into trouble or do anything in case I hurt myself." Grow up, Marion!

I am grown up!

Not everyone has the luxury of doing what they want all the time, like you.

-You've always been selfish!

-That's a terrible thing to say!

Who was it who came out in the snow and picked you up when you broke down on the M1?

Who was it who left me on my own in the house

while they went to the theatre with their friends!

You're 52! I didn't realise you needed a baby-sitter!

Ladies.

Much as I hate to break up the sisterly love, that bag belongs to Kenneth Dudley's adviser.

And based on our previous experience of her sunny disposition, I suggest you give it back.

She's the doctor.

I know who she is! You're from Letherbridge, aren't you?

Oh, yes! You could take it to that meeting she was in such a hurry to get to.

Oh, no, no, no! This is your problem.

I'm not going to waste any more of my precious day off on a wild goose chase.

-But...

-If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you take it?

-Fine. We will!

-You tell her, Marion!

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Oh!

-'Julia...'

-Before you say anything, I tried to move my PCT meeting,

'it's not gong to happen.

'I know it's a lot to ask, Zara, but I really need you at that talk.'

-TANNOY:

-'West End style at West Midlands prices.

'10% off all designer brands in store today.'

Where are you? What was that?

A heart monitor?

A heart monitor offering 10% discounts?!

OK - I finished at the hospital and now I'm just grabbing some lunch.

Then you've got time to get to the talk, haven't you?

Yes!

-TANNOY:

-'This is a public announcement.

'If the two sisters who were in the town hall car park this morning are in the mall,

'please can they come to the information point. I have your frogspawn.

'I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but I really, really need my bag or I'll lose my job.

'I've worked so hard my whole life to get this job, I really don't deserve to...

'OK - just bring the bag back, please.'

-Oh! Someone's luck's changed.

-Not luck, Karen, organisation.

Zara will be going to the funding talk,

I will going to my PCT meeting, as planned.

You spoke to Zara? How is she?

Sharp-tongued. Stubborn. Her usual self.

You shouldn't be sending her to this meeting. She's probably tired.

She's just been visiting a friend.

Wouldn't it be better to send Heston? The Menaces have been and gone

-and there's nothing Jimmi or I couldn't handle.

-Et tu, Daniel.

So, these tricky patients... What, you just made them up?

The Menaces are er...a really unpredictable bunch.

There's no way that we would know if they were going to kick off or not, so...

Oh. So you two, you just... cooked this up together?

Well, we did think - didn't we -

-we thought it would be better, if YOU went to the talk.

-Yes.

Well, thank you, both of you, for confessing your sins like this, but actually Zara is going now -

and when I spoke to her, she was in a shopping mall, Daniel. Shopping.

So I hardly think she can be exhausted.

PHONE RINGS

'How could you just go off for the day without telling me! I've been worried sick!'

-I'm only shopping, Daniel.

-I thought something had happened with the baby!

This is precisely why I didn't want you coming with me,

breathing down my neck with baby this, baby that, no caffeine, no high-heeled shoes...

I just want to hang on to some kind of a normal life while I still can!

Can you not think about other people for one minute?

You're going to have to start doing that when the baby arrives...

PHONE GOES DEAD

-I know where your bag is.

-It's here? They've handed it in?

Not exactly. It's in Letherbridge.

Great. They're taking it to Kenneth, I suppose?

Might as well just get my P45 now.

That doesn't sound like the hard-nosed career woman

that ran 20 metres on a twisted ankle for the sake of her job.

St Phil's is miles away through lunch-hour traffic.

So unless you have a TARDIS...

No. But I have picked up some tips from Top Gear...

Lead the way...

..Doctor!

I shouldn't have hired a woman as an adviser -

they're always picking up their kids or fiddling with their make-up in a crisis.

Is it straight...? A man would never let you down like that.

Wait!

Here are your little friends!

Now, can I have my bag back?

-Please...

-Please.

I'm sorry. I gave it to security.

They're taking it up there now.

I've never been sacked before.

Personally, I think you're well rid of the old toad.

-There's nothing in there!

-It's not a liquid bomb. It's frogspawn!

We packed it ourselves!

But it has been out of our sight.

What if someone put something in it?

-Oh, give me strength.

-You, and you - shut up.

-They're with me.

-ALARM SWITCHED OFF

I don't think this constitutes sufficient grounds

to detain two old women under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Do you?

Thank you!

Wait...

Go on!

Impressively devious!

Good luck!

This is gobbledegook!

Can you make head nor tail of this...? No, I'm sure you can't.

Have you never written a speech before, man?!

-Where do you want the figures?

-What good are figures? The whole speech is a shipwreck!

Figures will be just like drowning sailors bobbing about in it.

Someone's ram-raided this with a tanker of marketing drivel.

You need to move this to the front, make this clearer and...

Ugh, no - "leverage"?! Did JFK ever leverage anything?

"I'll just leverage a man on the moon." I don't think so.

Done!

We're ready.

Thanks, Tash.

APPLAUSE

Thank you for giving me such a warm welcome to Letherbridge.

APPLAUSE

The National Health Service is the envy of the civilised world, and quite rightly so.

Good old Zara!

Daniel...

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but she is becoming indispensible to this practice.

The National Health Service is now over 60 years old.

Some would say it's approaching retirement age...

We, in this administration, do not think that.

Am I talking to myself here?

We do, however, think

we cannot be living in the 1950s or late '40s.

-We have to be living in 2011.

-PHONE RINGS

Therefore, we have set up a structure of initiatives

to help improve the National Health Service...

# Everybody's talkin' at me

# I don't hear a word they're sayin'

# Only the echoes of my mind

# I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin'

# Through the pourin' rain

# Goin' where the weather suits my clothes... #

He was just trying to protect you.

Julia, you're not really in a position to be objective here.

You can't give me the silent treatment for nearly two days

then walk out the door without a word.

-Watch me.

-Just...

-Get out of my way, Harrison!

-What size are you?

-Large.

Course you are.

OK, that's it. If you've all got something to say, at least have the courtesy to say it to my face.

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