Out of the Loop Doctors


Out of the Loop

Zara gets caught up with two sisters who get their bag mixed up with a government aide's, which contains a top secret speech about hospital funding.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

We're out of the strategy meeting, so it's the chocolate people then you.

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I'm not being racist. It's a chocolate factory - they make chocolate!

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What is this?

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-A press release?

-Wrong. Sniff it.

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Can you smell anything? I can. It's a steaming pile of horse manure.

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How many times have I told you not to use the P-word?

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People will think we're going to bulldoze kiddie cancer wards

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or make supermarkets take over heart operations.

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-I didn't. These are Paul's.

-Don't blame other people. Fix it!

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Did Paul tell you to change the press release?

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Yes, well, I didn't authorise it. We need to go back to my draft.

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And make sure they announce Kenneth as minister.

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Someone called him junior minister this morning and he went this weird puce colour. Puce, not puke.

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Kind of dark purple. Well, that's the kind of worldly knowledge you'll gain if you ever get a girlfriend.

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CAMERA CLICKS

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Tell your editor he can stick his telephoto lens up his...!

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No, not you. Listen, just get the announcement right

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and e-mail me the press release.

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And if you get any more cleaning company quotes,

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put them in the quotes spreadsheet.

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And could you please make sure the prescriptions go to the PPA?

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-By the end of the day.

-Have I said that before?

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-Once or twice.

-It's best to be prepared, in case I'm back late.

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It's a PCT meeting! You're not climbing Mount Everest.

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No, climbing Mount Everest takes far less preparation.

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Mill Health Centre.

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It's someone from St Phil's.

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She wants to know, are you going to the lunchtime talk,

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only you haven't got back to them and they want to do the name badges.

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-She must mean the one tomorrow.

-Do you mean the one tomorrow?

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With the Health Minister?

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One o'clock today.

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SHE MOUTHS

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She'll call you back.

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You didn't check?

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Of course I checked!

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They must have moved it or something!

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Daniel? How do you feel about making NHS history today, lunchtime?

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I'd rather make history with my sandwich, thank you.

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Well, it's a big one.

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The minister's making an announcement about hospital funding.

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He'll have to push on without me. I've got a diabetes clinic. Have you tried...

0:03:040:03:08

-Heston!

-Julia.

-What are you doing at one o'clock today?

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-Seeing patients?

-Fancy meeting a government minister?

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As long as it's not Kenneth Dudley.

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Oh.

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Yes. But you do think it's important

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that the practice is involved in NHS finance discussions?

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Oh, yes, the talk at St Phil's. I've got difficult patients to see.

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Why don't you try Zara? I'm sure she'd love to suck up to NHS bigwigs.

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No, there's a problem with that.

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Could you look at that? I think they've invoiced us twice.

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I don't know why I gave her the day off! I should've said no.

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-This is turning into a complete nightmare.

-Why don't you give her a call?

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No, I can't. It sounded like it was important.

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-Mind the sides!

-Excuse me, people are trying to park here!

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-We won't be long.

-We're in the middle of a very delicate operation.

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Believe me, I've done vasectomies faster.

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Oh, are you a...

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-What is that?!

-Frogspawn.

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You need to be very gentle with them. They're only two days old.

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Forgive me, but couldn't you find a village pond to do whatever this is?

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That's exactly the problem!

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-I don't have a pond.

-My sister's appallingly soft-hearted.

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A frog from the neighbours' jumped into her garden

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and she put out a dustbin lid of water for it to live in.

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-I didn't know he'd have babies!

-But I have a pond. So here we are.

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We thought we'd make a day of it. Come to Birmingham, do some shopping.

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We don't see each other that much now. Wendy lives in Stratford, I'm still in Hatherton.

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CAR ENGINE REVS

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-Are you all right, pet?

-Typical!

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Oh, Doctor, Doctor!

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I can manage, thanks. I'm perfectly all... Ow!

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-Let me take a look. I'm a doctor.

-I'm fine, I just need to...

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Wait till I've checked that isn't broken.

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I'd know if I'd broken my own... Ow! Are you even a real doctor?

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You could be a doctor of marine biology.

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I'm a partner at the Mill Health Centre in Letherbridge.

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And that's not broken. Just twisted.

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CAR HORN BEEPS

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Stop chit-chatting and get in the damn car!

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You need to put it on ice and keep it rested.

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Some of us have jobs where we don't have that luxury.

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-What a rude woman!

-Nothing like a bit of drama to set you up for a shopping trip.

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-You're not taking that shopping?

-We can't leave it in the car.

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They'll boil to death! Like those dogs you hear about.

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What kind of person would leave frogspawn in a car?

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-Er, no, I suppose you wouldn't.

-It's coming for brunch with us!

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We're going to Vincenzo's!

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Then to the shops to get those curtains you need.

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-Maybe even a cream tea!

-Er...

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-She thinks they're overpriced.

-Enjoy your day.

-Oh, we will...

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Of course I didn't write the figures down. I was busy being ministerial.

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It's OK, I wrote them down on my copy.

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Stop!

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Stop!

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-What is it?!

-I've left my security pass in the town hall.

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I'll get the train and meet you there.

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Women!

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Thank you.

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-What are you doing?

-I just want to check they're OK.

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They'll be fine. Stop fussing!

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Keep it the right way up. And make sure they're in the shade!

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What?

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We don't want them to hatch.

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You're safe. She's back in her lair.

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Ah. She mentioned the meeting to you too, then?

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Julia should be dealing with this so we can get on with our clinical work.

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-How was your alibi?

-A bit flimsy.

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I'm sick of all these meetings.

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First we're running into GP consortia, now we're getting involved in hospital funding.

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We have to make a stand.

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-You've got my vote on that.

-Starting now.

-OK!

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And if that doesn't work, she can arrange cover.

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The Mill Health Centre, Letherbridge.

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I hear you've got the Menaces later.

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Yes, I have to explain to Menace Senior

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that the reason his bad back does not pass muster for disability living allowance

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is not because "the Social are out to get him".

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Hmm! Lucky you're here. He almost punched Jimmi on the nose last time he couldn't see you.

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-That was only cos his son's verruca hadn't cleared up.

-OK, I get the message.

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I've finished all my stuff. Can I help you?

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-No. Everything's under control, thank you, Karen.

-PHONE RINGS

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Mill Health Centre.

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I need to speak to one of your female doctors.

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About 5'7", black shoulder-length hair. Rude.

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-Dr Carmichael's not in today.

-Then could you put me through to her mobile?

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I can't do that. Data protection.

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I think you'll find that the Data Protection Act

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only prevents you from giving OUT information, so you could transfer me directly,

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depending on the capability of your phone system to mask caller ID, or get her to call me back.

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-I could try and give her a message.

-You'll do more than try.

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She's just treated me in a Birmingham car park and if I can't speak to her

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-I'll be lodging a complaint with the GMC for medical negligence.

-Medical negligence?!

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-What's going on?

-That woman has just said that Zara has treated her in a car park. In the city.

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I must say, you tell a convincing lie.

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I thank you. And you, my friend, are an unparalleled acting talent!

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This is an historic first step

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against the onslaught of pointless meetings.

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She would do well to remember

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-we are not administrators.

-And what's wrong with being an administrator?

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-Oh, for heaven's sake.

-She's not going to be happy when she finds out!

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-Karen, we made a stand.

-She's having a nervous breakdown out there

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and you two are just being selfish.

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Karen! Please...

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Julia. Can I have a word?

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Karen, could you just use your initiative?

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It's a very simple list of jobs.

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Surely you can manage that without coming and pestering me.

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All right then, what did you want?

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It doesn't matter.

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RINGING

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Dr Carmichael speaking. You asked me to call you.

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-Did you take my bag?

-Excuse me?!

-I've got someone else's bag. They must have got mixed up.

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Well, it's not mine...

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unless you've got one of those Spring/Summer Prada clutches with the orange stripes.

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Then I'll definitely swap.

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Sadly not. This one's got a clutch of something far more unpleasant.

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-Something squishy?

-How do you...?

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I know whose that is. Those two old bats from the car park.

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They were planning to take it for brunch at Vincenzo's,

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can you believe...?! PHONE RINGS

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Don't worry, panic over. Took a bit of haggling with security

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but I've got it. On my way to the station.

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Make sure you get here in time to go through the speech.

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I do not expect my advisers to be leaping out of cars and heading off

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into the wild blue yonder two hours before a major policy announcement.

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And what are you smirking at?

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PHONE RINGS

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Julia, again.

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I wouldn't be asking if this meeting wasn't important.

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-Can't Heston go? Or Daniel?

-Daniel's got his diabetes clinic

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and Heston's got a difficult patient.

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Oh, boo-hoo(!)

0:11:380:11:40

Look, I'd love to go but it's physically impossible.

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You're only in Birmingham. You could get there quite easily, you know.

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This is looking as if you're not taking your partnership responsibilities very seriously.

0:11:470:11:52

Of course I'm taking my partnership responsibilities seriously,

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and if you'd asked me earlier I would've been happy to go. But as it is,

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I am visiting a friend who is having an operation at the Queen Elizabeth.

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Oh. Sorry.

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So, unless you've got a sick friend depending on you, I suggest you go if you can't find anyone else.

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SHE GROWLS

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Remind me never to call her on her day off again.

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-Who?

-Zara.

-Zara's got the day off?

-Yeah, didn't she tell you?

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-It was a bit last minute. She's visiting a friend in hospital.

-Oh. Did she say which friend?

0:12:250:12:31

Which hospital?

0:12:310:12:32

-Is there something I should know about?

-No, nothing.

0:12:350:12:38

£25.50. Of course, everything's gone up, thanks to your government.

0:12:480:12:54

You can't blame the government for the price of your eggs Benedict.

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Don't you understand anything about economics?

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Look, there at the bottom. VAT, 20%.

0:13:000:13:05

Who do you think put it up? Father Christmas?

0:13:050:13:07

Well, we all have to do our bit now we're in a recession.

0:13:070:13:11

Thank you. It was lovely.

0:13:110:13:13

Well, don't come crying to me when they close your local hospital.

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They won't do that!

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The Prime Minister cares about the NHS.

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Anyway, let's talk about something nicer.

0:13:230:13:27

Have you got anything for Danni's wedding yet?

0:13:270:13:30

I thought I might go for something strapless this time. What do you think?

0:13:300:13:34

Let's get the curtains out of the way first, shall we?

0:13:340:13:37

We could start at Debenhams. Then we can do dresses and curtains.

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We're not in The Sound Of Music!

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You don't need to mother them!

0:13:460:13:50

Well, order them some sandwiches. You know journalists when they don't get fed.

0:13:560:14:00

Waiter!

0:14:030:14:04

Has anyone seen two middle-aged sisters having a meal in here?

0:14:090:14:13

-'Hi, this is Zara Carmichael. Leave a message.'

-Oh!

0:14:270:14:31

Well...if we could just move it back by a couple of hours.

0:14:320:14:38

There must be other members of the PCT going to the minister's talk, surely.

0:14:390:14:44

No, of course I understand.

0:14:470:14:49

Thank you. Bye-bye.

0:14:500:14:52

'Hi, this is Zara Carmichael. Leave a message.'

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Hey!

0:15:140:15:16

PHONE RINGS

0:15:160:15:18

Kenneth!

0:15:180:15:19

There you are. I need the headline cost-saving figures

0:15:190:15:22

for the hospital services initiative.

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The ones we discussed this morning, remember?

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-'You wrote them on your copy.'

-I know which ones. We can go over them with the speech.

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SCANNER BEEPS

0:15:320:15:35

I need them now! Paul and I are working on the speech.

0:15:350:15:38

-Paul? But it's my speech...

-Actually, it's my speech.

0:15:380:15:42

And Paul is here and you are not.

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And if those figures are not in my inbox in the next five minutes,

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I can make that arrangement permanent.

0:15:480:15:50

-Oh, shhh...ugar!

-Marion!

0:16:110:16:14

"Department Of Health... Hospital Funding..."

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It must be that rude lady's from the car park!

0:16:250:16:28

-Ooh, what's this?

-If it's something official, we should take it straight to the police.

0:16:280:16:33

It says they want private companies to bid for all these services!

0:16:330:16:37

-That's not what he said on the telly!

-You shouldn't be reading it.

0:16:370:16:41

It's got "Secret" on!

0:16:410:16:43

This is in the public interest. It's our right to read it.

0:16:430:16:46

In fact, we should be giving it to a newspaper so everyone knows.

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I don't want to get into trouble.

0:16:490:16:52

That's always you, isn't it?

0:16:520:16:53

"Don't want to get into trouble or do anything in case I hurt myself." Grow up, Marion!

0:16:530:16:59

I am grown up!

0:16:590:17:01

Not everyone has the luxury of doing what they want all the time, like you.

0:17:010:17:05

-You've always been selfish!

-That's a terrible thing to say!

0:17:050:17:09

Who was it who came out in the snow and picked you up when you broke down on the M1?

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Who was it who left me on my own in the house

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while they went to the theatre with their friends!

0:17:150:17:18

You're 52! I didn't realise you needed a baby-sitter!

0:17:180:17:21

Ladies.

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Much as I hate to break up the sisterly love, that bag belongs to Kenneth Dudley's adviser.

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And based on our previous experience of her sunny disposition, I suggest you give it back.

0:17:270:17:32

She's the doctor.

0:17:320:17:34

I know who she is! You're from Letherbridge, aren't you?

0:17:340:17:38

Oh, yes! You could take it to that meeting she was in such a hurry to get to.

0:17:380:17:42

Oh, no, no, no! This is your problem.

0:17:420:17:44

I'm not going to waste any more of my precious day off on a wild goose chase.

0:17:440:17:48

-But...

-If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you take it?

0:17:480:17:52

-Fine. We will!

-You tell her, Marion!

0:17:540:17:58

PHONE RINGS

0:18:000:18:01

PHONE RINGS

0:18:040:18:06

Oh!

0:18:060:18:08

-'Julia...'

-Before you say anything, I tried to move my PCT meeting,

0:18:080:18:13

'it's not gong to happen.

0:18:130:18:15

'I know it's a lot to ask, Zara, but I really need you at that talk.'

0:18:150:18:20

-TANNOY:

-'West End style at West Midlands prices.

0:18:210:18:25

'10% off all designer brands in store today.'

0:18:250:18:30

Where are you? What was that?

0:18:300:18:32

A heart monitor?

0:18:320:18:35

A heart monitor offering 10% discounts?!

0:18:350:18:38

OK - I finished at the hospital and now I'm just grabbing some lunch.

0:18:380:18:41

Then you've got time to get to the talk, haven't you?

0:18:410:18:44

Yes!

0:18:460:18:47

-TANNOY:

-'This is a public announcement.

0:18:510:18:54

'If the two sisters who were in the town hall car park this morning are in the mall,

0:18:540:18:58

'please can they come to the information point. I have your frogspawn.

0:18:580:19:03

'I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but I really, really need my bag or I'll lose my job.

0:19:030:19:08

'I've worked so hard my whole life to get this job, I really don't deserve to...

0:19:080:19:13

'OK - just bring the bag back, please.'

0:19:130:19:17

-Oh! Someone's luck's changed.

-Not luck, Karen, organisation.

0:19:250:19:30

Zara will be going to the funding talk,

0:19:300:19:33

I will going to my PCT meeting, as planned.

0:19:330:19:36

You spoke to Zara? How is she?

0:19:360:19:38

Sharp-tongued. Stubborn. Her usual self.

0:19:380:19:41

You shouldn't be sending her to this meeting. She's probably tired.

0:19:410:19:44

She's just been visiting a friend.

0:19:440:19:46

Wouldn't it be better to send Heston? The Menaces have been and gone

0:19:460:19:50

-and there's nothing Jimmi or I couldn't handle.

-Et tu, Daniel.

0:19:500:19:54

So, these tricky patients... What, you just made them up?

0:19:570:20:02

The Menaces are er...a really unpredictable bunch.

0:20:040:20:09

There's no way that we would know if they were going to kick off or not, so...

0:20:090:20:14

Oh. So you two, you just... cooked this up together?

0:20:140:20:19

Well, we did think - didn't we -

0:20:190:20:22

-we thought it would be better, if YOU went to the talk.

-Yes.

0:20:220:20:29

Well, thank you, both of you, for confessing your sins like this, but actually Zara is going now -

0:20:300:20:37

and when I spoke to her, she was in a shopping mall, Daniel. Shopping.

0:20:370:20:42

So I hardly think she can be exhausted.

0:20:420:20:44

PHONE RINGS

0:20:590:21:01

'How could you just go off for the day without telling me! I've been worried sick!'

0:21:020:21:06

-I'm only shopping, Daniel.

-I thought something had happened with the baby!

0:21:060:21:10

This is precisely why I didn't want you coming with me,

0:21:100:21:13

breathing down my neck with baby this, baby that, no caffeine, no high-heeled shoes...

0:21:130:21:19

I just want to hang on to some kind of a normal life while I still can!

0:21:190:21:22

Can you not think about other people for one minute?

0:21:220:21:24

You're going to have to start doing that when the baby arrives...

0:21:240:21:28

PHONE GOES DEAD

0:21:310:21:32

-I know where your bag is.

-It's here? They've handed it in?

0:21:470:21:50

Not exactly. It's in Letherbridge.

0:21:500:21:52

Great. They're taking it to Kenneth, I suppose?

0:21:520:21:56

Might as well just get my P45 now.

0:21:560:21:59

That doesn't sound like the hard-nosed career woman

0:21:590:22:01

that ran 20 metres on a twisted ankle for the sake of her job.

0:22:010:22:04

St Phil's is miles away through lunch-hour traffic.

0:22:040:22:06

So unless you have a TARDIS...

0:22:060:22:08

No. But I have picked up some tips from Top Gear...

0:22:080:22:11

Lead the way...

0:22:120:22:14

..Doctor!

0:22:150:22:17

I shouldn't have hired a woman as an adviser -

0:22:190:22:21

they're always picking up their kids or fiddling with their make-up in a crisis.

0:22:210:22:25

Is it straight...? A man would never let you down like that.

0:22:250:22:28

Wait!

0:22:340:22:36

Here are your little friends!

0:22:360:22:38

Now, can I have my bag back?

0:22:380:22:40

-Please...

-Please.

0:22:400:22:42

I'm sorry. I gave it to security.

0:22:420:22:43

They're taking it up there now.

0:22:430:22:46

I've never been sacked before.

0:22:460:22:48

Personally, I think you're well rid of the old toad.

0:22:480:22:51

-There's nothing in there!

-It's not a liquid bomb. It's frogspawn!

0:22:530:22:58

We packed it ourselves!

0:22:580:22:59

But it has been out of our sight.

0:22:590:23:01

What if someone put something in it?

0:23:010:23:03

-Oh, give me strength.

-You, and you - shut up.

0:23:030:23:06

-They're with me.

-ALARM SWITCHED OFF

0:23:060:23:08

I don't think this constitutes sufficient grounds

0:23:080:23:11

to detain two old women under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Do you?

0:23:110:23:15

Thank you!

0:23:160:23:17

Wait...

0:23:170:23:19

Go on!

0:23:190:23:20

Impressively devious!

0:23:230:23:25

Good luck!

0:23:260:23:28

This is gobbledegook!

0:23:350:23:36

Can you make head nor tail of this...? No, I'm sure you can't.

0:23:360:23:39

Have you never written a speech before, man?!

0:23:390:23:42

-Where do you want the figures?

-What good are figures? The whole speech is a shipwreck!

0:23:420:23:46

Figures will be just like drowning sailors bobbing about in it.

0:23:460:23:48

Someone's ram-raided this with a tanker of marketing drivel.

0:23:480:23:52

You need to move this to the front, make this clearer and...

0:23:520:23:55

Ugh, no - "leverage"?! Did JFK ever leverage anything?

0:23:550:23:58

"I'll just leverage a man on the moon." I don't think so.

0:23:580:24:02

Done!

0:24:020:24:04

We're ready.

0:24:140:24:17

Thanks, Tash.

0:24:190:24:21

APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:24

Thank you for giving me such a warm welcome to Letherbridge.

0:24:250:24:28

APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:30

The National Health Service is the envy of the civilised world, and quite rightly so.

0:24:360:24:41

Good old Zara!

0:24:420:24:45

Daniel...

0:24:450:24:46

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but she is becoming indispensible to this practice.

0:24:480:24:54

The National Health Service is now over 60 years old.

0:24:540:24:56

Some would say it's approaching retirement age...

0:24:560:25:00

We, in this administration, do not think that.

0:25:000:25:03

Am I talking to myself here?

0:25:040:25:07

We do, however, think

0:25:080:25:11

we cannot be living in the 1950s or late '40s.

0:25:110:25:15

-We have to be living in 2011.

-PHONE RINGS

0:25:150:25:19

Therefore, we have set up a structure of initiatives

0:25:200:25:23

to help improve the National Health Service...

0:25:230:25:26

# Everybody's talkin' at me

0:25:270:25:31

# I don't hear a word they're sayin'

0:25:310:25:34

# Only the echoes of my mind

0:25:360:25:41

# I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin'

0:25:440:25:47

# Through the pourin' rain

0:25:470:25:50

# Goin' where the weather suits my clothes... #

0:25:510:25:54

He was just trying to protect you.

0:26:020:26:04

Julia, you're not really in a position to be objective here.

0:26:040:26:07

You can't give me the silent treatment for nearly two days

0:26:070:26:09

then walk out the door without a word.

0:26:090:26:11

-Watch me.

-Just...

-Get out of my way, Harrison!

0:26:110:26:14

-What size are you?

-Large.

0:26:140:26:16

Course you are.

0:26:170:26:19

OK, that's it. If you've all got something to say, at least have the courtesy to say it to my face.

0:26:190:26:24

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