The Grocer's Apostrophe Doctors

# I get along without you very well

# Of course I do

# Except when soft rains fall

# And drip from leaves Then I recall

# The thrill of being sheltered in your arms. #

-'Can't you just ask him?'

-Ask him yourself.

-'I did.'

-And?

-He told me to get a bus.

-'Well, get a bus then.'

But I need to get some books from Ian.

'That's one bus there and two back to the Mill.'

-You gave Immie a lift.

-'Cos Immie's working here!'

I have to get the bus when she's working on campus.

Immie! Haven't you got something to do?

-..Morning!

-Morning!

-That was Dr Cassidy. Stop showing us up.

-Me?!

Isn't that the point of family therapy, to see us as we really are?

No... Yes, but...

I don't care how you get here. Whether you take one bus or two, or crawl.

-Just make sure you're here for 12.30 sharp. OK?

-Fine. See you later.

It's like herding cats.

-Going out?

-Yes, just had a phone call from Heston.

-There's a problem with the temp receptionist at the campus.

-A dud?

I think his exact words were, "as useful as a chocolate teapot."

-You could send one of us.

-No, that would leave you short here.

It's Karen's last session with Elaine, so I'll go.

Whatever you think's best.

Cherry's taking another day off, so there's a temp nurse there as well.

Maybe all the patients will take a day off as well.

That's how life works, right?

When you ask, "How do you spell Aloysius,"

-do you mean how do

-I

-spell Aloysius, in the sense that

-I

-may spell it differently to the way others spell it?

Or do you mean how does ONE spell Aloysius?

Or, to put it another way, how is Aloysius spelled?

Um, hello.

I'm the practice manager, Julia Parsons.

-It's OK, Hermione, you take a break.

-I'm Aloysius Harvey and I'm here to have my sprained ankle examined.

OK, I'm sure we can find a doctor to see you.

-You might have to wait though.

-I saw a doctor once.

He didn't see me, though.

(I was hiding.)

-How long would I have to wait?

-Not long, I hope.

But with this amount of patients and one nurse and one doctor...

-Number.

-I'm sorry?

You meant "the number of patients."

"Amount" is used for nouns that you don't put a numeral in front of, such as glue, water, luck.

"Number" is used for nouns that you can count, such as patients.

-Yes.

-Please don't be offended.

It's my calling to leave no solecism, no error of punctuation

or misspelling uncorrected.

My equivalent of a doctor's Hippocratic oath.

-Uh-huh.

-I know your head aches.

I know you're tired. I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window.

But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with.

The majesty and grandeur of the English language...

..It's the greatest possession that we have.

The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men

are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative and musical mixtures of sounds.

Do you two know each other?

In as much as we're both admirers of the great George Bernard Shaw.

-Pygmalion.

-Who's next?

Aloysius Harvey, meet Dr Carter.

George Bernard Shaw. Not exactly fashionable.

Fashion is overrated.

-I quite agree. So, how may I help you?

-Sprained.

I was advised to come back after ten days to have the bandage changed.

-How did you do it?

-Quite simple. I fell off a ladder.

A war wound, you might say.

-One o'clock?! You told me half twelve!

-So you'd be here on time.

Instead of ten minutes late.

Yeah, well maybe if you trusted me a bit more,

I'd be a bit more...trustworthy.

That is really lame!

You can wait in the staff room. Go on.

Sorry I'm late, love. Traffic.

-That's OK. I've moved it back to one o'clock.

-Oh, good.

-Lauren, I'll leave you to it?

-Of course.

-You didn't move it back at all, did you? You sly old...

-Less of the "old!"

-So, you're a student at the university?

-Postgraduate. I'm writing my Master's thesis.

Move your foot up and down.

It's entitled "The Pedigree of Nations."

-Ah... Boswell.

-Indeed.

The subtitle is - "On the corruption of language and the consequent decay of meaning."

The zeal of youth. Now move it in a circle.

-I prefer to think of myself as a crusader rather than a zealot.

-Does that hurt?

A little discomfort. Not too bad.

I didn't fall far.

What exactly were you doing up a ladder in the first place?

-I was correcting a Grocer's Apostrophe.

-A what?

-A misplaced apostrophe on a shop sign.

-A grocer's shop?

This one happened to be above a music shop.

The sign read - "CD's, DVD's and Book's."

All apostrophised. An apostrophe is acceptable on the first two...

Debatable, but acceptable... but not on "books", which is a simple plural.

But CD's and DVD's?

It could be a mark of elision to show that letters had been left out.

Compact d-isc-s and digital video d-isc-s.

Or digital versatile d-isc-s.

Interestingly, the etymology isn't clear.

-Anyway, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.

-Very broadminded of you.

You're not patronising me are you, Dr Carter?

It's a compulsion.

For example, recently, I wrote to Birmingham City Council

about a missing apostrophe on a local road sign. You might know it. St Pauls Road.

Can you imagine their response?

They said that the council had banned apostrophes. Banned them!

Who do they think we are? Americans?! Australians?!

To add insult to injury, they said that it was to avoid confusion.

Punctuation avoids confusion, not the lack of it!

Forgive me.

Simply, I believe correctness is courtesy.

Lack of courtesy soon becomes rudeness, and rudeness is the first step towards violence.

First of all, I'd like to say how nice it is to have the whole family here.

We all thought it was important, didn't we? Cos it's our last session.

Didn't we?

-How have things been since the last time we met?

-OK.

-All right.

When, for instance, was your last argument?

-Ha-ha! About ten minutes ago.

-We argue all the time.

-But it wasn't real.

-How do you mean, not real?

-Well, it was...

It was like banter. Like all families.

-Go on.

-For instance, Jack said

he wanted to make a cup of coffee

-and Immie said she wanted a cup of tea.

-Even though she probably didn't even want one.

-I did!

-Sure. If I say black, she says white. If I say left, she says right. So childish.

-Jack.

-He winds me up on purpose!

-Anyway, the upshot is that no-one got a drink.

-You stepped in to reinforce rules?

-No.

-There wasn't any milk.

So, the American student said, "Sir, can you tell me where the library's at?"

The professor said, "Young man, this is Oxford University.

"It behoves you to know you can't put a preposition at the end a sentence."

The American said, "Gee, I'm sorry.

"Can you tell me where the library's at, you pompous ass?"

-You've heard it before.

-It's more that, I fear, in that situation, I'd probably be the professor.

Yeah. Well, I think your ankle's going to be fine. Take it easy,

let pain be your guide. You should be able to walk on it.

-I'll give you a prescription for some anti-inflammatories.

-I don't like pills.

-Your choice.

I'd be interested to hear your views on the decaying standards in English.

I used to be a little like you. Put language on a pedestal,

old is good, new is bad, there's a right way and a wrong way.

But, with time, I've mellowed.

You can't embalm a language. Change is good. Change is inevitable.

Change isn't good, Dr Carter. Improvement is good.

Well, I know what is good - passion.

And I have nothing but admiration for yours.

-Thank you. Dr Carter, it's been a pleasure.

-Likewise.

Well, I'm definitely proud of them. All of them.

But, at the same time, I feel embarrassed by them. Is that possible?

If that's how you feel, then it's definitely possible.

It's when we're all together and carrying on like we do,

I suddenly see us how other people might see us.

-I just wish we were a bit more normal.

-No-one's normal.

I know.

But there's more normal and less normal.

OK. Anyone else want to speak?

I will.

I just wanted to say that since I made up my mind to take my re-sits,

I've felt a lot better.

-Sort of...relieved.

-Relieved?

It's not that I'm looking forward to taking the exams.

I think it's because there's something certain in the future.

A way forward. I don't feel like I've had that for months.

OK. Anyone else?

Can I just...?

I also wanted to say that I'm sorry.

I've genuinely had a hard time trying to get my head straight.

And I'm really sorry for putting you all through everything that I've put you through.

-That's all.

-That's great, Imogen. Thanks.

Anyone else like to speak?

I suppose that I've learned a few things too.

No, you've got October there. We're in August.

Just popping out for a sandwich. Can I get something for you?

Not so fast, Sir Laurence Olivier. You've got a visitor.

-Dr Carter!

-Probably corrected your prescription and given you marks out of ten.

I wondered if I can invite you to join me for a spot of lunch?

-My treat, of course.

-Well, actually...

I know it must seem unusual, but I was very interested

in what you said earlier about how your views on standards have changed.

It occurred to me that I can't expect to complete my thesis without including opposing views.

Especially when they're so well expressed.

-I'm very flattered...

-I'd be so grateful.

-Well, why not?

It'll be fine. I'll be back in an hour.

If you can get your head through the door.

Benvenuti, Signori. Table for two?

-Two glasses of prosecco?

-Si, grazie mille.

-Ah! Parli Italiano?

-Solo un po.

-Una piccola casa in Toscana!

-Toscana! Bellissima!

-Just water for me, please.

-Va bene. I will leave you to study the menus.

If you like veal, I recommend the vitello piccata. Grazie, signori.

Well chosen, young man. Modest, convivial, authentic.

I shall be adding it to my list.

-Oh, dear.

-What's that?

"Deserts" rather than "desserts." And "potato's" with an apostrophe.

Do you ever get invited anywhere twice?

You're right.

I mustn't obsess.

-So, pasta?

-Or...

-What are you...?

You can't...

-Let me know if you see the manager coming back.

-Aloysius!

There... "Desserts." And now...

possessive, misspelled "potato" apostrophe "s"...

becomes simple plural "potatoes."

Done! Catch.

-Hi. I'm here to see Elaine Cassidy.

-Do you have an appointment?

-No. I'm a friend.

-Is she expecting you?

-No.

-Can I ask you what it's about?

No. I'm sorry, it's personal.

But it is very important that I see her.

She's got patients with her at the moment.

If you take a seat, I'll give her a message when she's free.

-What's the name?

-Fiona...Smith.

Bene. Grazie, signori.

You can't just deface other people's property.

-You mean you think I shouldn't, of course, not that I can't. Not that I am physically not able.

-Aloysius,

-on reflection...

-I'll be back in a moment.

-Where are you...?

I can't be a party to this.

What do you think you're doing? Writing on my menus?!

Correcting two errors. You'll notice how neatly.

-Are you taking the Mick?

-I'm sure we can sort this out if we just stay calm.

-You let him do this?

-There's nothing I could do.

-You should know better!

You think your English is better than mine because I'm Italian? I've lived here all my life, mate.

It's not personal. Anyway, I imagine your printers are English.

-They should know how to spell and punctuate.

-I think you should leave.

This is all just a misunderstanding.

-It's not about being foreign. It's to do with being ignorant.

-You calling me ignorant? You racist!

-I think he means ignorant in the very literal sense of not knowing something.

-Does he?

Well, I think he's an ignorant pillock in every sense!

And don't take this too personally, but I think you should get out!

Now! You and your dad.

-He's not my...

-Out!

-Wouldn't you prefer clear, literate and properly punctuated menus?

I thought you'd appreciate it. I'm sure your customers would.

-And don't come back!

-How dare you!

Dr Carter, I can only apologise, unreservedly.

I have never, EVER been thrown out of a restaurant! It is humiliating!

I regret absolutely having put you in an awkward and embarrassing position,

and I hope it doesn't jeopardise your excellent standing in the community.

-If there's anything I can do to make amends...

-It's a bit late now.

It's a compulsion. I did try to warn you. But I don't mean any harm.

I hope you'll see it as an eccentricity, and today as an adventure.

Adventure or not, lunch is definitely over.

For me, at least, it's been a pleasure.

Goodbye, Dr Carter.

And even if everyone wasn't in the sessions together, I think the whole process has made us...

closer.

Thank you, Rob. That was very truthful, very brave. It seems

you're beginning to listen to each other as a family.

Family is the building...

Excuse me, we're in a session here. Are you looking for someone?

Elaine Cassidy.

-I'm Elaine Cassidy.

-You?

-Yes. And you are?

-My name's Fiona.

-Excuse me...

-Fiona Kellor. We've never met,

but you know my husband, Harrison Kellor.

How was lunch with mini-me?

-A mini disaster.

-Did he correct your bad English?

-Poor English. Bad implies a moral judgement.

-Excuse me? Are YOU correcting me now?!

Sorry, I don't know where that came from. He's right. Once you start, you can't stop.

Because I will take it once in a day from a patient,

but not twice, and certainly not from you!

-PHONE RINGS

-We are not finished.

-Campus Surgery, hello?

-'I need to speak to Dr Carter immediately!'

-Er...

-'Dr Carter!'

-Just hold on a moment, Mr Harvey.

-'I need Dr Carter now!'

-I think you'd better, Heston. It sounds urgent.

I'm sorry, this is really not appropriate.

Appropriate?! You slept with my husband! Look at me! You want to tell ME what's appropriate?!

-I'm sure we can talk about this at a better time.

-Better for you, you mean.

Things don't always come at convenient moments, do they?

They come along inconveniently, and get in the way and ruin things.

-Things like skinny, dried-up, interfering...

-Just a minute!

-You can't come...

-I think I can! I've got things to say and I'm going to say them.

-You slept with her husband?

-Rob!

-Harrison Kellor, the forensics guy?

-Now is not the time!

-Really?

You've spent quite a lot of time delving into MY private life, and you've been happy to sound off

-about our boundary and honesty issues.

-Boundaries?! Honesty?! You're a filthy hypocrite!

-Excuse me, love. I understand that you're upset, but this is a private session.

-Rob!

-You two need to find a time and a place to sort this out, but it's not here and it's not now.

-Rob!

Sit down, you big ape! Can't you see she's pregnant?

-Philistine!

-Nutter!

-Neanderthal!

-Aloysius?

Dr Carter, please tell this baboon who I am and convince him to return my thesis!

Hello, Doc. Is he one of yours? You need to section him and get him out of here

-before he hurts someone, or himself.

-He's not exactly...

We were having lunch.

-Look at him! Mad as a box of frogs.

-What exactly is going on?

He's been going mental, is what. Tearing pages out, ripping up books. University property.

And "thesis?!" I don't think so!

-Give it back!

-This is evidence.

-It's OK, Aloysius.

-Barry, do you know him?

-Used to be a student here till he got sectioned a couple of years ago.

Sectioned? OK.

-Aloysius?

-And his name's Alan, by the way.

Aloysius!

Aloysius? Alan?

-Do you hear that?

-What?

-That scrabbling sound.

Like little claws.

It's all the punctuation moving about in the books.

Changing places!

And sometimes...

some of it escapes.

Last night, I found your number in his mobile phone

and I asked him who you were. He said he'd met you

at a conference. He was trying to be casual about it,

but he kept adding more and more detail.

Too many details. He's a bad liar.

So eventually, I asked him if you'd slept together.

He just nodded and started to cry.

I have nothing but contempt for him, for how weak and pathetic he is.

But you...

I have nothing but loathing for you.

You tried to steal my husband and ruin my family.

You took advantage at the most vulnerable time in our married life.

I had no idea you were pregnant.

So that's the line you wouldn't have crossed, is it?

I've been wondering. Married, yes. Pregnant, no.

You make me sick!

Aloysius.

Here's your thesis. "The Pedigree of Nations."

Remember?

You're going to have to organise it.

"Order is heaven's first law."

-Alexander Pope.

-That's right.

I'm going to call an ambulance.

In the meantime, we should give him some space.

-I already called the police.

-There was no need to involve them.

I didn't know what he was going to do next.

Anyway, he's a schizo. It was two against one.

I'm sorry you had to be here for this.

At least now you know the kind of person you're dealing with.

You are never to go near my husband again.

Or speak to him. Do you understand?!

I think the best thing to do is to pick up where we were before.

You've got to be joking!

Are you...?

I'll find out who's treating him, then meet you at the hospital.

Ambulance. From the Latin, "ambulare," to walk.

But it's instead of walking, do you see?

It's going to be OK, Aloysius.

Oi! Who threw that? Come on, who was it?

"I hate a fellow whom pride, or cowardice,

"or laziness drives into a corner and who does nothing

"when he is there but sit and growl.

"Let him come out as I do, and bark."

Who said that?

Come on! You're students.

Samuel Johnson.

He would have known.

So I take it you're not mocking his love of the English language?

Is it because he's different?

I've got news for you, we're all different.

You're laughing at yourselves.

-So that was family therapy?

-More like an episode of EastEnders!

-Maybe we're more normal than we thought!

-Need a lift?

-Nah. Me and Immie are going to get a coffee.

-And a tea.

-See you.

Poor Elaine.

Poor Elaine?

You're kidding, aren't you?

I'm not saying what she did was right, but still,

poor Elaine.

People will think we're going to bulldoze kiddie cancer wards,

or make supermarkets take over heart operations.

With the Health Minister? One o'clock today.

-What is that?!

-Frogspawn.

-We made a stand.

-She's having a nervous breakdown out there,

and you two are just being selfish.

I can manage, thanks. I'm... Oh!

Stop!

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