Reports of My Death Doctors


Reports of My Death

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Come on,

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you'd better sleep it off upstairs.

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Did I do the speech?

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More of a slur than a speech, I imagine.

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Did you embarrass yourself with The Women's Institute?

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Dullards, the lot of them.

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Come on...

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I thought you were going to stay dry until you got home?

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I did stay dry.

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First a dry white wine,

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then a dry Martini.

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No, I didn't get it.

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I know, it's a shame.

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Mum, just leave it OK?

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I've got to go, I'll call you later.

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Oh, I don't...

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You haven't touched your Alka-Seltzer.

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I don't need it. That's for amateurs.

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What did you do with my Duty Frees?

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You smoked them all.

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Really?

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Better get myself back on a plane pronto.

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What am I?

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-A gerbil?

-We're out of bacon. It'll do you good.

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I feel like I've woken up in The Betty Ford Center.

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Remember what they told you in Harley Street?

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Detox or die.

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Fix me up a Martini, would you?

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-Just to take the edge off.

-Just...

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eat your muesli.

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Ah, just the man.

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Could you be primed to cover Doctor Preston's first appointments?

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-There's no sign of her yet.

-Right?

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So much for your reliable old trout.

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More of a freshwater salmon, actually.

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Well, on a good day.

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Oh, hello. C-Can we help, Mrs Tembe?

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This is Doctor Reid.

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-The locum.

-Oh, Doctor Reid. Yes, of course.

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Sorry I'm late, I had an argument with my Sat Nav.

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Are you late? We hadn't noticed.

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The kettle's boiled. Can we get you something?

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-Thank you, I'd love a cup of tea.

-Mrs Tembe?

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Howard Bellamy, Practice Manager.

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Nice to meet you.

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Were you expecting someone else?

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No. Well sort of, yes.

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Doctor Preston is under the weather.

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I thought the agency would've let you know?

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Very good of you to step in at the eleventh hour.

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Could we have a moment?

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Of course.

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Quick word?

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Aaaargh!

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What is it now?

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I'm dead. Dead!

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Nearly, the way you're going. Just go back to sleep.

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It's here in black and white.

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What are you talking about?

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My obituary.

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They've printed my obituary!

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You're still drunk.

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"Anne McAllistair, journalist and broadcaster -

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"born 3rd April, 1946.

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"Died 1st October, 2012."

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That was yesterday.

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Yes. I can't have died yesterday.

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I was at The Women's Institute.

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Must be some sort of clerical error.

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The nerve of those two-bit hacks.

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Let's see how they like being sued by a corpse.

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I just don't think she's right.

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I think we should get the agency to send a better-qualified replacement.

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She is eminently qualified - a police surgeon to boot.

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Her references are impeccable.

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And she's a lot easier on the eye than Doctor Preston.

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It's not that kind of agency, Heston.

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We can't send her home for being too attractive?

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Call it a hunch, I just don't think she's right.

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After the Elaine debacle,

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your handling of staff matters doesn't inspire confidence.

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At any rate, it's only temporary.

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"Cirrhosis."

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How dare they?

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Maybe it's someone's idea of a joke.

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Your old squash partner.

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Wendy?

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Even the name makes me wretch.

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Come on, Anne, you can't blame her for everything.

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Who else do I know that works at The Gazette?

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Vindictive cow.

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Let's not rush to any rash conclusions.

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You can't blame Wendy without even looking into the whole thing!

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There you go again - always leaping to her defence!

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In spite of the blindingly obvious.

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I suppose it is a bit of a coincidence.

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Well, there's only one way to find out.

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Why don't you ask her?

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Forget it.

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Then I guess you'll never really know.

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Will you?

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Higher?

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No, a little lower, I think.

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How's that?

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Spot on.

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Sorry, am I interrupting?

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Jas, this is our new locum, Emma.

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-Hi.

-Hello.

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I think there's been a mix-up.

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I was under the impression I was working from this office.

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Oh, well...

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It makes no odds to me.

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I can work from the stationary cupboard if I have to.

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No, no - Zara's room is free.

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Why don't I work from there?

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-Sounds good to me.

-As you're ergonomically suited to this office,

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it seems a bit silly to play musical chairs.

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Right. I'll work from there, shall I?

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WHIRRING PHONE RINGS

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Wendy Barron.

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You'd better get on to your lawyers.

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I'm going to sue your half-arsed rag into oblivion.

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I'd better pass you onto my PA.

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He deals with deranged members of the public.

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It's Anne, remember me?

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Your so-called newspaper printed my obituary this morning.

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I've got news for you - I'm alive and a kicking!

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I must admit, you do SOUND a bit like Anne.

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It's not a bad impersonation.

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That's because I'm impersonating myself. It's me, you imbecile.

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If you really are who you say you are,

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then you'll need to provide us with some reliable documentation.

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What?

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Just get a qualified doctor to confirm that you are Anne Barron

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and that you are still alive.

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They should be able to provide you with some sort of

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"not dead certificate."

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"A not-dead certificate?"

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Are you completely insane?

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Leave it with my PA and if it checks out,

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we may be able to print a retraction next week.

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That's the best I can do. Bye.

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DISCONNECTED TONE

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What did she say?

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Get me an appointment at The Mill.

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Brown, Bulloch...

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The "B's" are in the next row.

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Oh!

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Got it.

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Thank you. Sorry, I'm still getting my bearings.

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Well, if you need me to show you anything, just holler.

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Hmm, best offer I've had all day.

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-Ah, I've been looking for you actually.

-Oh?

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Could I have a quiet word?

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Yes, of course. I'm just with a patient now.

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So some time this afternoon?

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Why don't you just tell her there's been a mistake?

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You think I haven't tried that?

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This woman is an idiot.

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I need some official corroboration.

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Sorry, but I think this is a bit beyond my remit.

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If you won't phone her,

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I have to have some sort of "not dead" certificate.

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Ludicrous I know but just give me something -

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ANYTHING to show that I'm not dead.

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Look, I'm fighting fit

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and I need you to prove that these lies about my health are nonsense,

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then I can sue her to the back of beyond.

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"Fighting fit?"

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You've missed your last two health checks.

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Are you still suffering from abdominal pains?

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I don't want a full MOT, just the damn certificate.

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Maybe it's a wake-up call.

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How many units do you drink in an average week?

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I lose count after the first 100.

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What about your family?

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I don't have any family - only Jeff, my husband.

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And he'll be pleased to see the back of me.

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Surely not.

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He's still fit, healthy, he'll find someone else.

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Good luck to him.

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But if he ends up with Wendy, I'll be spinning in my grave.

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Wendy Barron?

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-Are we finished?

-If you won't give me that certificate,

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-then I'm wasting my time.

-Maybe I can write you a note.

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Barron is your maiden name, right?

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Yes.

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Written off as dead...

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by my own wretched sister.

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The seared scallops with balsamic strawberries will have you

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drooling over your plate.

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Sounds divine and I do like a scallop.

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I had heard that you were something of a bon viveur.

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-From whom?

-I think we have friends in common, from your days at St Phil's.

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Ravi Choudhry?

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Yes, of course, he's a very fine surgeon.

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PHONE RINGS

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Incredible. You're still with us.

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Though you do look like death.

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You've had botox, haven't you?

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Or have you just forgotten how to frown?

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Well, no-one could accuse YOU of visiting a beauty spa.

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You know, facial hair removal's come on by leaps and bounds

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in the last few years.

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Is it safe for you to remain upright?

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-What's this?

-A "not-dead" certificate.

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This is most irregular, my sources are normally impeccable.

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Sources? What sources? You wrote that slanderous bile.

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I suppose we might be able to find room for a footnote

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on next week's back page.

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You'll do more than that.

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A footnote is what your obituary will be.

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And I'll be the one to write it.

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"Anne Barron's infinitely less talented sister,

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"who wrote for a number of national tabloids,

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"before accepting her true vocation -

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"caretaker of a crummy, local rag."

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Much as I'm enjoying this little reunion, SOME of us have work to do.

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-Raiph will show you out.

-I'm not going anywhere.

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Not until you agree to a full-page spread in next week's edition.

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I'd hate to tempt providence.

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You could expire at any moment.

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The article must acknowledge the editor's wilful slander

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and pay tribute to my trailblazing career on Fleet Street.

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I'll have final approval, of course.

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In fact, I'd better write it myself.

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How about we settle this in the old-fashioned way?

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A sporting challenge should sort the living from the dead.

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-Grow up.

-No, you need to prove you've still got a pulse.

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-How about a round of golf?

-Forget it!

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Tennis then? No!

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-Squash!

-Don't be so absurd!

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I haven't played squash since...

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Since I trounced you in that NUJ charity match?

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That was a fix, you slept with the referee.

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Well then a rematch is long overdue.

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If you win, I agree to your terms.

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If I win - no retraction.

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You'll just have to take your published death on the chin.

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You may enjoy flailing about like a demented orang-utan,

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but I'm happy to grow old gracefully.

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What and drink yourself even more stupid?

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Oh, it's such a shame you hung up your racquet.

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Your husband's got quite a decent stroke.

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Why, you rotten...

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OK, you're on.

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I should never have let her out of my sight.

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She's probably gone on another bender.

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I appreciate your concern, Mr McAllistair,

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but I really can't discuss your wife's problems -

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medical or otherwise.

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Yes, I know that, it's only I thought she might listen to you.

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Anne strikes me as a very headstrong woman.

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And then some.

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Whatever I say or do only seems to make matters worse.

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Isn't there someone else who could talk to her?

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Someone she'd take notice of?

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There's only one person Anne really listens to

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and they're not on speaking terms.

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First game to me.

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Do you really think you can take this to five games?

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There's a good chance you'll be dead by two.

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Of course. Just warming up.

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What do you want to know?

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Just wondered what men like women to say, you know,

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to get them in the mood.

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What does it for the average guy?

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"See you upstairs, after Match of the Day."

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I wouldn't know. I'm not your average guy.

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OK, then, tell me what turns you on.

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So you've reached 30 without knowing how to turn a man on?

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THAT would explain why you're single.

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I thought you might at least have put up a fight.

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But then beneath all the bluster, you always were a lightweight.

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A lightweight - me?

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That's rich.

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Do you remember your first day at The Express?

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Weren't quite ready to drink with the grown-ups, were you?

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Threw up all over your best Biba, and I had to take you home to Mummy.

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Trust you to brag about boozing.

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Your one talent - pickling your liver with impunity.

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"Columnist of the Year", three years running.

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Jog my memory what awards did you win?

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Come in.

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Oh, sorry, I was just looking for some medical gloves.

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Should be some in there.

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Thanks.

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Enjoying some downtime?

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Yeah, just a bit of research.

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-A friend of mine used to do that.

-What?

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Phone sex - a nice little sideline.

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-Helps pay for the childcare.

-Really?

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Hmmm, she says "It's money for old rope."

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And she used to get the ironing done at the same time.

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One game all, if I'm not mistaken.

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Just letting you back into the match.

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Now I'm taking off the kid gloves.

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-So, why did you write it?

-Hmm?

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The obituary.

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Never said I did.

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Top marks for effort.

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Life in the old girl yet!

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Anne?

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Anne?

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Annie?

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Sorry if I was a bit short earlier - bad morning.

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Hey, we all have them.

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My family head for the nearest bunker

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-when I get out of bed the wrong side.

-Have you got kids?

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Just a son - Chris. All grown up now, finished his studies.

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-You don't seem old enough.

-Well I had him young.

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Didn't train until after he was born.

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It was a struggle.

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Mind you, I think it's much tougher for young people now.

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Not enough jobs and then all that student debt to pay off.

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Tell me about it.

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Five years of medical school for this.

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I need some extra cash but I don't know if I could resort to that.

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It seems like borderline prostitution.

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What are you prostituting?

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Your voice?

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Look, most men are pretty straight forward.

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It doesn't take much to get their rocks off.

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I suppose you could see it as some sort of role-playing exercise.

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Exactly.

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One minute you're a virginal milk maid...

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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..and the next you're some leather-clad sex goddess.

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Hello.

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I see you two are getting to know each other?

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The blood tests indicate some abnormal liver functions.

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The damage may be reversible

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but ONLY if you embrace a major lifestyle change.

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Give it a rest, Doctor.

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It'll take more than a dizzy spell to turn me

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into some dreary teetotaller.

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A healthy diet, strictly no alcohol or cigarettes.

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And sensible exercise -

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don't go throwing yourself about like a Williams sister.

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This is all your fault.

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We could've settled this back at the office,

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but oh, no - you had to turn it into the Olympic Games.

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Of course, I'm to blame for everything, aren't I?

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Your 50 years of boozing - THAT must be my fault too.

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Come on, ladies.

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She always resented my success.

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But to kill me off in print, that's a new low,

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even by her depraved standards.

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I...didn't...write it!

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You expect me to believe that?

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If you didn't write it, who did?

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He did.

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-What?

-It's true.

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Caught you at last.

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-Are we playing chase?

-Emma...

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What?

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Yes?

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I don't think it's a good idea.

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Sorry, you've lost me.

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Emma...

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Oh, that.

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Ancient history.

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Even so...

0:20:060:20:07

..it just feels messy, unprofessional.

0:20:080:20:12

I think it best if you cut short your locum engagement.

0:20:120:20:15

You put him up to this, didn't you?

0:20:180:20:20

-Why would I do that?

-You thought it would kill me off.

0:20:200:20:23

It was my idea, Anne.

0:20:230:20:25

A lousy idea, as it turns out.

0:20:250:20:27

But I take the credit, all the same.

0:20:270:20:29

No. This is much too audacious for you.

0:20:290:20:33

How did you get The Gazette to play ball?

0:20:340:20:36

Wendy agreed to publish the obituary.

0:20:370:20:40

So, you planned it together?

0:20:400:20:42

I knew it.

0:20:420:20:43

SHE CHUCKLES

0:20:430:20:44

Well, if it's my pension you're after, you can forget it.

0:20:440:20:48

-I'll be filing for a divorce!

-Why don't you ever listen?

0:20:480:20:50

Why don't we leave them to it, eh?

0:20:520:20:55

In the early days, our rivalry was a cause celebre.

0:21:040:21:07

She'd lambast me in her column, I'd retaliate in mine.

0:21:070:21:12

Then it kind of took on a life of its own.

0:21:120:21:15

The public, the editors - that's all they wanted.

0:21:150:21:18

I just saw it as a pantomime.

0:21:180:21:21

But Anne took it more seriously?

0:21:210:21:24

Yeah, I think so.

0:21:240:21:25

But we only stopped talking once she'd retired.

0:21:270:21:30

How come?

0:21:300:21:31

One night, this was a few years back,

0:21:320:21:35

I invited Jeff for a game of squash.

0:21:350:21:37

Anne got wind of it, and hit the roof.

0:21:380:21:41

She thought it was my seduction technique!

0:21:410:21:45

I don't even fancy him(!)

0:21:450:21:46

Didn't you try to put her mind at rest?

0:21:460:21:49

Oh, Jeff did until he was blue in the face.

0:21:490:21:51

The booze has made her paranoid.

0:21:510:21:53

Until today, we hadn't even spoken in three years.

0:21:530:21:57

That's a long time to waste on a misunderstanding.

0:21:570:21:59

Well, if Anne was still working,

0:21:590:22:02

she'd have probably written a funny article about it

0:22:020:22:04

and the whole thing would've blown over.

0:22:040:22:06

But NOW, she doesn't have that.

0:22:060:22:09

All she has is the drink...

0:22:090:22:11

and Jeff.

0:22:110:22:13

Leave it another three years and you might not get another chance...

0:22:130:22:16

..to bury the hatchet.

0:22:170:22:19

Her health is precarious.

0:22:190:22:21

But if someone can convince her to stop drinking then...

0:22:210:22:26

maybe she'll prove your newspaper wrong.

0:22:260:22:29

I knew that you'd blame Wendy for the obituary.

0:22:310:22:35

And I figured it might get you talking again.

0:22:350:22:37

We've always had a combative relationship.

0:22:380:22:41

Just because my liver's on the brink,

0:22:420:22:44

it's not going to be all hugs and kisses.

0:22:440:22:47

No, you'll carry on as you always have - at each other's throats.

0:22:470:22:51

But maybe you need that.

0:22:510:22:53

You need your old sparring partner.

0:22:530:22:56

Whatever I say or do makes little difference.

0:22:560:22:58

But in spite of all the rancour,

0:22:580:23:01

I always thought you valued Wendy's opinion.

0:23:010:23:03

Oh... Come to stick the boot in, have you?

0:23:040:23:07

This isn't some sort of sinister conspiracy, Anne.

0:23:070:23:11

No?

0:23:110:23:13

What is it, then?

0:23:130:23:15

We thought that the obituary might shock you into sobriety.

0:23:150:23:19

Joking, aren't you? If ever I needed a drink.

0:23:200:23:24

Well, despite what you think, your drinking is a big worry.

0:23:240:23:28

For me, for your friends and most of all, for Jeff.

0:23:280:23:33

Well, a fake obituary isn't going to throw me on the wagon.

0:23:330:23:38

Doctor Tyler recommended someone.

0:23:390:23:42

Why don't we fix you up with an appointment?

0:23:420:23:45

No way.

0:23:450:23:46

I can't see me fitting in with the Temperance Society.

0:23:470:23:50

There's no reasoning with you, is there?

0:23:500:23:53

You're beyond reason.

0:23:530:23:55

The only thing you care about is the next bloody drink.

0:23:550:23:57

Everything else is just collateral damage.

0:23:570:24:01

If you want to drink yourself into an early grave, so be it.

0:24:030:24:07

Just don't expect me to stand by and watch.

0:24:070:24:10

I would hate to renege on a work commitment.

0:24:180:24:19

That really would be unprofessional.

0:24:190:24:21

Not at all.

0:24:210:24:22

I'll just inform the agency

0:24:220:24:24

that it's a shorter contract than expected.

0:24:240:24:26

Well, I've already signed, you'd have to pay me anyway.

0:24:260:24:29

Howard, I'm sure that neither of us

0:24:300:24:32

would allow a little skirmish to get in the way of our jobs.

0:24:320:24:35

A skirmish?

0:24:350:24:36

Oh, come on, we can work together, can't we?

0:24:360:24:39

Who knows, might even have some fun.

0:24:390:24:42

You've got a great little team here.

0:24:420:24:44

I already feel like I've made a few friends.

0:24:440:24:47

Don't get too comfortable. It's not for too long.

0:24:470:24:50

I know.

0:24:500:24:52

Better make the make the most of it then, hadn't I?

0:24:520:24:56

Good night.

0:24:560:24:57

Why do you drink?

0:25:010:25:02

Why does anybody drink?

0:25:030:25:05

I enjoy it.

0:25:060:25:08

No, you always enjoyed a tipple, but not like this.

0:25:080:25:12

-You drink because you're bored.

-What?

0:25:120:25:14

-How about a lead article in The Gazette?

-Oh, God...

0:25:140:25:19

Political opinion, local gossip,

0:25:200:25:24

maybe the occasional interview with your more talented, older sister.

0:25:240:25:28

And a chance to write my own obituary?

0:25:290:25:32

Of course.

0:25:320:25:33

Jeff loves you, Anne.

0:25:370:25:39

If he didn't, he wouldn't have gone to these ridiculous lengths.

0:25:390:25:43

Hmm.

0:25:430:25:45

I don't know why he puts up with me.

0:25:470:25:49

Maybe it's because he remembers what you're really like,

0:25:490:25:53

without the booze.

0:25:530:25:54

And maybe he believes that you can change, even when you don't.

0:25:570:26:02

CAR ALARM BEEPS

0:26:090:26:11

Emma...

0:26:110:26:12

Pleasant first day, I hope?

0:26:130:26:15

Nothing I couldn't handle.

0:26:150:26:16

The Mill has its idiosyncrasies.

0:26:160:26:18

But when you have an hour or two, I could give you a few pointers.

0:26:180:26:21

-Pointers?

-Yes, some friendly advice over supper?

0:26:210:26:25

Or lunch?

0:26:250:26:27

You're very sweet. But perhaps I should've explained.

0:26:270:26:30

I don't wear my wedding ring at work,

0:26:300:26:32

purely for health and safety reasons.

0:26:320:26:34

Oh! I see.

0:26:350:26:37

But we should still do lunch.

0:26:370:26:39

I'd love to get to know everyone better.

0:26:390:26:41

I'll see you tomorrow.

0:26:410:26:43

Good night.

0:26:430:26:44

Hey, babes, have a guess what I'm wearing?

0:26:570:27:00

Come on, Jim, don't be such a sap.

0:27:000:27:02

All you have to do is sign the form.

0:27:020:27:04

I can't, you know I can't, I have to say no.

0:27:040:27:06

The lads play jokes all the time.

0:27:060:27:08

You need to tell the police about this.

0:27:100:27:12

No.

0:27:120:27:13

Us trying for a baby?

0:27:130:27:15

Daniel being in bed with us isn't the best thing, is it?

0:27:150:27:18

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