The Pain and the Itch Doctors

PHONE BEEPS

What time is it?

Half seven.

Where you going?

Work. Ray's fretting about the drawings.

He shouldn't be texting at this hour. It's harassment.

I must go and ask Mr Bellamy

if these suppliers are actually going to deliver today.

Ah. No. He is on the telephone.

I will be very unhappy if we are both away

and the stock is not in place.

I'm sure the temp from the PCT can handle it.

Apparently he knows her and she's very good.

And if the handover goes quickly she can help out.

Maybe we can get off home early!

Good morning, Nurse Clay! How are we today?

You look a bit peaky. Jimmi keeping you up?

Something like that.

Sorry!

You look terrible.

Don't worry.

I'm going to go straight to Howard - resign, pack my things and go.

Good.

-Morning!

-Morning.

-Morning.

You've been promising that for three days. It's totally unacceptable.

I expect a sizeable discount for this inconvenience.

Howard, I need to talk to you.

I'm busy.

It's urgent.

Ah, Nurse Clay.

There are already three patients out there for you.

Erm, I'm not actually...

Mr Bellamy is very busy, we need to keep on our toes.

Look, if we don't see the order by the end of play today,

you can expect to lose our business.

So, are they coming?

Erm, yes. It's about my, erm...

It's a little bit itchy.

Right. So, when did it start?

Last night, really.

Is it constant?

Er, kind of comes in waves.

Do you think you should take a look?

Yeah. If you could just, erm...

-Hmm.

-What?

Looks like a bad case of candidal balanitis. Thrush.

Oh. Right.

Shall I...?

Oh. Yes.

All right, um...

All right, I'll give you a prescription for anti-fungals.

Thanks.

Apply this four times a day.

And I would like you to do me a urine sample

-and leave it at the desk.

-OK.

You might want to get it swabbed, to eliminate other possibilities,

STIs.

I don't see how I'd have caught one.

Right, the cream should clear it within a few days.

Actually... I will have one of those swabs.

Might as well.

OK.

Just speak to the receptionist and ask her to make an appointment

-with the nurse.

-Thanks.

If it hasn't cleared up within a week, then come back

and we'll do some more tests.

Great.

Thanks.

Bye.

Just remember to keep the dressings dry, Mrs Wilson,

and have a lovely day.

Blimey.

Do they know we want to get off early or something?

Nurse Clay is very slow today.

You may have to see some of her patients.

If we are absolutely desperate.

Oh, OK.

I'm very worried about the supplies.

Mr Bellamy insists they will be delivered by lunchtime,

but I think we need a plan B.

Simple. Phone the old supplier.

I did suggest that, but he did not seem to hear me.

And now the temporary receptionist is late.

It's not your problem if she doesn't show.

But I will not be able to relax on holiday

unless I know the practice is in safe hands.

Mr Marsh?

Yeah. Do you want to come with me?

Are there any more computer prescription forms? I've run out.

You will have to borrow some from Dr Gr...

Can't read his writing. What can I do for you, Mr Marsh?

I thought I was going to see the nurse.

I'm the health care assistant.

I can do most of the things a nurse would do.

Right. OK. I need a swab on my, erm...

Your...?

-My, erm...

-Sorry?

On my penis. It's very itchy.

Oh! Right. Lovely. Not your...

Though I'm sure it's perfectly...

I'll just...

-No!

-Problem?

No. It's fine. It's I don't usually...

-I've never...

-What?

The nurse does swabs.

You should have made that clear at reception.

Well, I'm hardly going to broadcast the nature of my complaint, am I?

No. Obviously it's very embarrassing.

Have you had unprotected sex lately?

Of course not. Except with my wife.

Oh, right.

It's thrush. According to Dr Clay.

Right, well, I haven't got time to wait to see the proper nurse.

I'm sure the anti-fungal cream will be fine.

Are you sure...?

Thank you, Mr Simms.

Nurse Clay.

I do not want to rush you, but you have only seen four patients

-and the list is building up.

-I really need to talk to Howard...

I've spoken to the suppliers again and they've assured me

they'll deliver by four o'clock at the latest.

It is all very well they have "teething problems",

but we cannot run a practice if we do not have supplies.

I realise that.

That's why I've spent the last hour trying to sort it out.

Howard, can I talk to you, please?

Sorry, the cat was being sick so I couldn't leave him,

poor thing, and then I couldn't find my car keys. D'oh!

Valerie, hello!

Valerie, excellent. You'll soon have things in hand.

Everyone, this is Valerie Pitman.

Emma, you know. This is Mrs Tembe - our receptionist, Nurse Clay,

and Mrs Hollins - receptionist, also masquerading as a HCA.

Excellente.

I'll have this place operating at warp speed in no time.

-Please may I talk to you, Howard...

-Why don't I give you a guided tour,

then Mrs Tembe will show you the ropes.

Coffee?

Why aren't you at work?

The drawings are submitted, so I thought, "What the hell?"

-Oh.

-Is that it?

-What?

I thought you'd be pleased.

Well, it would've been more of a grand gesture yesterday.

I told you - the meeting with Ray came up last minute.

It was completely unavoidable.

Seems to be a lot of that nowadays.

Don't be such a grouch-bag.

-Play your cards right, I might even take you for a pub lunch.

-Oh!

Have we got any needles? I've already checked the stock cupboard.

Everything is falling apart.

You really must go quicker, look at the queue.

Well, it's a good job Karen's an HCA, then, isn't it?

-I'm going to go and speak to Howard.

-He is in a conference call...

-I'll wait.

It's going to be fine.

PHONE RINGS

Keith, have you seen my phone?

Ah, there it is.

Anything important?

It'll be boring work stuff and I'm having a day off.

So come on, then.

-Come on, what?

-Let's do something.

I am.

Why are you being so grumpy today?

-Sorry not to fit into your master plan, but I've got things to do.

-Like what?

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

You're going to the doctor's?

Nurse. I think I've got a spot of eczema coming.

No, we'll have a takeaway tonight. ..Me too!

OK.

Bye!

That the hubby?

He's dead excited, bless him.

He's taking me on holiday, and he likes to treat me. Really push the boat out.

Aaaah, lovely-jubbly.

Bit of sun, sea...

Spice things up a bit.

They don't need spicing, thanks.

Lucky lady. Prawn cocktail. Love 'em or hate 'em.

Love 'em - even though they do smell of sick.

Oh my, God. Maybe that's it!

What?

Mr Marsh's... Could be.

Oh. Hello, Mr Marsh.

Hello. I phoned earlier about an appointment with the nurse?

Yes.

I will try to fit you in, but as I explained earlier

she is running very behind - about 50 minutes now.

I thought you were going to wait in the car?

I just wanted to use the loo. If that's all right with you?

This is ridiculous, I'm not waiting 50 minutes.

Maybe Mrs Hollins could see you.

She's not a proper nurse.

Don't be rude.

I'm not. She can't take swabs.

Swabs...?

Actually, HCAs can take them if it is absolutely necessary.

I thought you said...?

Oh, well, that was because I've never... But if it's an emergency...

Right.

-Well, perhaps I should whip it out here and you can all judge.

-Keith!

Sorry. He's not normally like this.

PHONE RINGS

Right. I will see Mrs Hollins...

And you can come with me.

I'm not sure that Mrs Hollins can...

It's OK.

OK, do you want to follow me?

Fasten your seatbelts.

OK, let's firm it up at the meeting on December 4th.

All right.

Ah, Nurse Clay. Yes.

Should I be worried?

I would like to resign with immediate effect.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

I'm sure we can resolve any issues.

What were you after - a pay rise? More responsibility?

I'm not "after" anything. It's for personal reasons.

PHONE BUZZES Yes, Mrs Tembe?

Sorry, but I know you finished your call

and I wanted you to know that we are now out of needles,

prescription forms and only have a few sterile dressings.

Can you get them from the Campus?

They are also low.

Mr Bellamy, it is time for plan B.

I can phone my friend at another surgery and see

if they will loan us the relevant items?

OK. Do that.

OK.

Now...

I may not seem to notice much, but I do know an exceptional nurse when I see one.

Howard, I really don't want to go into it. I think

it's better for me and the practice if I leave immediately.

It wouldn't be better for the practice at all.

There's been far too many changes round here just recently and the

last thing I need is another member of staff just upping and leaving.

With respect, that's not my problem.

With respect, it is.

You're contracted to work a month's notice

and that's the very least I'd expect.

PHONE BUZZES Yes, Mrs Tembe?

I couldn't get through to my friend so I left a message.

Well, keep me notified.

Do you understand my problem?

Howard, please don't make me work my notice.

-I couldn't stand it.

-I can't see why.

I promised I wouldn't go into it.

Can you just please trust me?

Not without a reasonable explanation, no.

It's not thrush, I've had thrush, I know what it feels like.

Don't take it out on the nurse, Keith.

She's not a nurse.

Fine, what's the difference?

An HCA is only qualified...

Look, just take the swab and give me something for the itching,

otherwise I'm going to have to chop it off.

This can't just be skin irritation, it must be an STD.

Well, actually, this might sound a bit weird but...

What!? What are you trying to tell me?

Er, excuse me - but haven't you got something to tell me?

What are you talking about?

You think I've given you a sexually transmitted disease?

Well, it's not me. You spend all the time with that smarmy boss of yours.

-You never want sex.

-Don't be ridiculous.

You're always pushing me away. Even on our anniversary.

I have a demanding job.

I'm the main earner now, in case

you hadn't noticed. I'm not 23 anymore and I'm tired.

You must understand I'm trying to run a service here, Cherry.

I've already lost one member of staff and now another wants

to leave without even the courtesy of a reasonable explanation.

I owe it to the partners to be professional.

It's simply not good business practice.

You and your bloomin' business!

I don't even want to stay here, the way this place is going.

Yes, Mrs Tembe?

Eh, yes. My friend has got back to me.

She says it is possible, but we will have to send someone to pick

it all up and I cannot go because...

Just put it in a cab. We'll pay for it.

Oh, yes. Of course!

I was not think...

Now...

You're clearly very distressed.

Why don't you just talk to me about it? I may be able to help.

So you're Mr Touchy-feely all of a sudden?

I'm very sorry if you feel that way and I'm very sorry that I was

short with you this morning. There's a lot of pressure on me today.

I am genuinely concerned, but more than anything,

I don't want you to make a decision that you may later regret.

Now, is it really so urgent? Is somebody upsetting you?

PHONE BUZZES NOT NOW, Mrs Tembe!

I just wanted to say that I have organised the taxi, so...

Good.

I don't want to go.

But...

I have to because everything between me and Jimmi has fallen apart.

It was never right. It wasn't right from the start.

-THROUGH INTERCOM:

-And we'd been trying for a baby and I just kind of blanked it out

and I hadn't stopped taking the pill.

Which was a huge betrayal of course, because he wants a baby so much.

But I keep thinking how we always said it was wrong to have a baby

to save a marriage, especially after what I'd done....

I slept with Daniel...and I'm so ashamed.

We were drunk and it was in the Campus surgery.

That isn't an excuse.

He was so sad. And so was I, I suppose.

I know it's a cliche,

but it really didn't mean anything. Not that that matters.

But I couldn't stand lying anymore, so I ended up telling Zara.

So that's two relationships ruined. Because of me.

Well...I had no idea.

You have my absolute discretion...

STOP, STOP! You are being broadcast live. The intercom is on

all over the surgery. Please do not make any more revelations.

I'm really sorry.

I must've...

Right.

So...where were we?

His....

Oh. Mr Marsh, have you got any allergies?

What's that got to do with anything?

To prawns, for example?

I don't even like seafood.

I had lobster last night. We went out to celebrate our anniversary.

Some celebration.

But Keith had steak.

What on earth has lobster thermidor got to do with my penis?

Well, we went on holiday once to Benidorm with my best friend.

-Stinking hot...

-Could you come to the point?

Sorry.

My friend's husband's...thingummy got really itchy

after he'd had these giant prawns.

He has never been able to look at seafood again.

No. Sorry.

I didn't so much as touch the lobster,

so how could I have developed an inflamed...?

Erm, there was indirect contact

when I... You know?

Oh! You...?

Actually, it got abandoned due to general lack of interest.

I was interested. You just stopped!

I didn't appreciate being given detailed instructions.

Well, I felt awkward.

You've been so down on me since I went freelance

and all over Ray and then all of a sudden this offer of a mercy...

I wanted to make love with my husband - who, OK, I may

take for granted occasionally - for which I'm sorry.

But whom I love very, very much.

The point is, there was definite indirect contact.

Right.

See, I wasn't expecting that, but ten out of ten for diagnosis.

I think you owe me an apology.

And Karen, for putting her through this ordeal.

Although you didn't actually get it out. Mercifully.

To be honest, I'm perfectly happy with a penis, I just panicked.

Is there a test we can do to shut him up once and for all?

Yes, there is, there's a blood allergy test.

And you'll be grateful to hear that I can do that.

Except... We've got no needles.

I'm sorry.

It's fine. I'll come back tomorrow.

Well, I guess you can add marriage guidance to your CV.

All in a day's work.

Bye!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Was it true?

I can't believe it.

Please don't hate me...

Oh, sweetheart, I don't hate you.

We've all done stupid things that we can't get out of.

I'm just so sorry.

I thought you two were made for each other.

I don't think we were ever right for each other.

I just wish I'd been braver and faced up to it before all this mess.

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

You're just human.

I really didn't want to hurt anybody.

I know.

But there's no point pretending.

Life's too short.

And if you weren't happy, Jimmi can't have been either, can he?

Thank you, Karen. I'm going to miss you so much.

Don't, I'm going to miss you too.

You've been such a wonderful friend to Immie.

Will you promise me that you'll stay in touch?

I will, I promise. Please do me a favour,

will you please look after Jimmi for me?

Yeah.

I'm going to go now because Mrs Tembe is going to self-combust.

We'll have none of that, Ms Malone.

Did everyone hear? Patients as well?

Afraid so.

You are doing the right thing.

All you need to do now is keep strong.

I know it seems like the end of the world,

but you'll move on and you'll feel so much better.

Will I?

Mm-hm.

You'll be back to your old self again soon.

It does feel like a massive weight has been lifted.

All those lies.

Trying to convince myself I was Mrs Happy.

Didn't fool you, though, did I?

Actions speak louder.

Thank you for being so direct.

Wasn't that bad, was I?

You were a good, honest, critical friend. The best kind.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Come on.

I wish you all the very best for the future.

Thank you, Mrs Tembe. You too.

Are you sure?

Maybe you could stay and just work at the Campus?

I don't think so.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

Sorry it's been so short.

But it's been very, very sweet.

Yes, it has, hasn't it?

Won't be the same without her.

No, it won't.

# For you... #

You're not sneaking off without saying goodbye, are you?

Sorry, I just thought...

Well, don't.

We'll miss you.

I suppose with nursing you can go anywhere -

South America, Australia...

Actually, I was thinking of contacting Simon.

Dr Bond?

He's working in New Zealand.

He'd like that. You should.

You think so?

Absolutely. Well, I've watched you blossom.

The bubble-headed Princess Pinky was never really you.

Was I that bad?

No. You were lovely.

You're intelligent, you have masses to offer.

But...

there's more to life than nine-to-five and being Mrs Right.

The right person will come along at the right time.

But until then - enjoy yourself.

Yeah, you're right.

Anything's possible.

Thank you, Heston.

# To you

# I'd never be cold

# Cos I feel... #

Mrs Tembe, could you send my next patient in, please?

# I know it's right

# And the song birds keep singing

# Like they know the score

# And I love you I love you, I love you

# Like never before

# Like never before

# Like never before. #

Cherry betrayed Jimmi.

And Daniel betrayed his best mate.

The last thing we should be doing now is start taking sides.

Everywhere I turn - every time I look,

there you are with your smug face!

I'm sorry, all right.

It's all going according to plan.

Good, you have a plan?

Where there is discord, let me bring cake.

OK there, Roger Bannister.

Everything's better with a nice plump cherry.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd