No Strings Doctors

HE WALKS DOWNSTAIRS

SHE SIGHS

Sienna, darling?

Are you awake?

I've made us some breakfast.

Are you not going into work?

Yeah, er...

I'm still on the CID job.

So, I'll probably be home late.

Right.

I'll see you later.

BACK DOOR CLOSES

I've got a surprise for you this afternoon. Something you'll like.

I'm not going to tell you what, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise.

And I thought I might cook something special tonight.

You haven't tried my crispy duck yet, have you?

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be your new dress.

Mum?

-Darling, I need you to take me to the doctor's.

-I thought you were in Rome.

-I'm such a scatterbrain!

I completely forgot about my check-up.

Though if I had to listen to another day of Margaret Forbes going on about Michelangelo...

-I wasn't expecting you back till Friday.

-Come on! I don't want to be late.

I've...got to call a client.

Well, the sooner we leave, the sooner you'll be back.

-Can't you get a taxi?

-I'm not spending good money on a taxi.

If you're not prepared to take your poor mother to the doctor's...

You've moved that plant, haven't you?

-I'm not sure I like it there.

-Mum, I don't think you should come in...

Not if you're going to be late.

Well, come along, then. And put your coat on!

Fingers on buzzers, everyone, here is your starter for ten.

We do not have buzzers, Dr Carter.

As you know, we call our patients through by name.

It's a figure of speech, Mrs Tembe. I am merely setting the scene.

You're not still going on about this quiz, Heston? No-one's interested.

I've thought of little else. I'll be quiz master, there'll be a modest prize, and I ordered a case of Cava.

-Oh, I love a good quiz, me.

-It won't be a good quiz.

-It will be a GREAT quiz.

-I'm sure it will be a most memorable evening.

-Well, what a shame I'm going to miss it.

-I've thought of that.

Cancel your yoga classes, postpone the Christmas shopping

and spurn your loved ones. Wednesday night is the night!

That's a bit short notice.

I don't want you to rearrange on my account.

It's the least we can do after your unprecedented assault course.

As you said, Mr Bellamy,

team building is a valuable tool in the modern workplace.

Well, not if it's going to inconvenience the entire practice.

Nonsense! I wouldn't dream of doing it without you.

-Oh, come here! Anyone'd think you couldn't dress yourself!

-Mum!

Can't you make a little more effort?

-You'll never get a girlfriend at this rate. Will you?

-No.

And another thing, it's almost certainly against health and safety regulations.

-You can't just hold a quiz anywhere.

-Howard! It's a quiz, not a club.

I think it is an excellent idea.

Society does not put enough value on intellectual pursuits.

I hardly think that a pub quiz is an intellectual pursuit.

I am sure Dr Carter does not intend for us to do a "pub quiz".

Yeah, stop being such a grump! Come on, it'll be good for team spirit.

-Well, it's really not my idea of fun.

-What, and running around a field

getting covered in mud is mine, is it?

Don't make a nuisance of yourself when I'm with the doctor, dear.

-Mrs Warden! How was your holiday?

-It was wonderful, thank you.

-I have always wanted to see the Sistine Chapel.

-I do hope I haven't missed my appointment.

-It entirely slipped my mind.

-Do not worry, Mrs Warden.

-You are right on time, as always.

-No thanks to this one.

Wait for me here. I won't be long.

So, Mr Warden, we have not seen you at church recently.

I hope we have not scared you away.

No. I, I... No..

When your mother is away on holiday,

you are more than welcome to come alone.

Or...or with someone else.

I did not mean to suggest that you are single.

You could come with a girlfriend, for example.

-Or a gentleman friend?

-No.

-Girlfriend.

-Oh?

Oh, well, your mother did not say anything.

She's not...

-I thought you'd be well into it.

-It'll be rubbish.

Who won the FA cup in 1972,

and what was the British entry for the Eurovision Song Contest?

It's just stuff that no-one knows.

-Leeds. 1-0 against Arsenal. Header from Allan Clarke.

-Wow!

Luxembourg came first in the Eurovision Song Contest in 1972.

The New Seekers came second with Beg, Steal or Borrow.

-Hello.

-Hi, love.

Love?

I'm making an effort.

Whatever you say, boss.

Don't call me boss.

-I wish you'd make up your mind.

-Well, just drop "boss" altogether.

-Yes, love.

-Do you want a coffee?

-Mmm, very posh.

-Well, Lyn and Rob Farrell do not drink instant.

Not on my watch, anyway.

OK, you won't get this one.

In the film Blade Runner, what's the name of Daryl Hannah's character?

Blade Runner. 1982. She played Pris.

No way! Do you write encyclopaedias for a living or something?

-No.

-So what do you do?

-I'm a freelance programmer.

Java and Cobol, mostly, with some Agile and V.net.

You what?

I have a question.

Who invented the typewriter?

Pellegrino Turri, in 1808, or Henry Mill in 1714.

-It depends what you define as typewriter.

-Is that right?

Well, I do not know. That's why I asked him the question.

How do you know all this stuff?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs Tembe.

-Has Clive been making a nuisance of himself?

-No!

Your son has been entertaining us with the breadth of his knowledge.

He is a very polite and educated young man.

He knows his trivia, that's for sure.

Not that it does him any good. Not with girls, anyway.

Well, I am not surprised that he has been snapped up by someone who appreciates his intelligence.

-That'll be the day. He's got more chance of playing for the Villa, haven't you, dear?

-I thought...

-Well, you said that you had a girlfriend.

-That's not what...

-Clive, is this true?

Clive!

Oops.

Oh, dear.

HE BREATHES RAPIDLY

-Who is she?

-No-one.

-You would tell me, wouldn't you?

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-Yes!

Would you like me to come and help you tidy up?

No!

Well, if you're going to be like that, you can drive me home.

This one's too easy - what are our jobs?

-Um, I'm in marketing, you work for an IT company.

-Correct.

Um, it's Saturday night.

Do we stay in and cook, go out somewhere, invite friends round, or get a takeaway?

Well, we've not been here too long, so we don't have that many friends,

Letherbridge on a Saturday - don't think so. So we would get a takeaway.

Especially as your cooking is so rubbish.

-Hey! I can joke about it, you can't.

-Just getting into character...love.

No cheating.

We are trying to conceive.

How often do we have sex? DOOR OPENS >

-Not often enough.

-Mmm.

-That's not what it says here.

-Just trying to get into character...love.

Ahem...

Not, er...interrupting anything, am I?

I'm sorry I had to rush off like that, darling.

Mum's back from Rome early,

then I had to drop her off at home, so...

that's the end of our peace and quiet.

We'll have to keep you out of the way for a bit.

It was nice while it lasted, though, wasn't it?

Not having her breathing down our necks all the time.

So what are you going to wear today?

How about this one?

No?

What about this?

You'd look great in this.

I'll be listening in and so will Ops.

If we hear from Andrei, they can trace the call.

When are we expecting him to get in contact?

With the other couples, it's usually a day or two, so hopefully we won't have too long to wait.

It's probably best if you answer it, boss.

He'll be expecting a desperate would-be mother. No offence, Sarge.

None taken.

Nice! I knew I should've done this job.

I could do with a couple of days sitting around doing nothing.

Any chance of a coffee? It's freezing out there.

This isn't Starbucks, Detective.

Of course not. Sorry, boss.

I should, er, probably get back to the car.

I've got a bit of paperwork needs catching up on.

'Which river for part of its length forms the boundary

-'between the cities of Salford and Manchester?'

-Irwell!

'Er...the Eyre?

'The Irwell. What is the common name of the North American cat closely related to the European lynx?'

-Bob cat.

-'Puma.

-Bob cat. In the Crimean War, which city

-'now in Ukraine fell to British and French troops...?'

-Sevastopol!

TV IS TURNED OFF

Darling, I've got to get to the post office, and I need to pick up a couple of things for dinner.

You'll be all right on your own, won't you?

Tell you what, I'll get you in the bath now.

I'm not going to have time later. What do you think?

KNOCK ON DOOR Yes?

-I am so sorry to interrupt.

-Yes, what is it, Mrs Tembe?

Mr Bellamy wanted to know if you have looked at the shortlist for tomorrow's interviews.

-And have you read the curriculum vitaes I gave you?

-Curricula vita.

"What is the plural of curriculum vitae?"

So what shall I tell Mr Bellamy?

Tell him that there's more in heaven and earth than is dreamed of in his philosophy.

Who said that to whom and, for an extra point, where?

-You will have to give him that message yourself.

-Hamlet.

-No quiz is complete without the bard!

-Now...

What about Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber?

Well, he deserves the same recognition

for his wonderful musicals!

Yes, thank you, Mrs Tembe.

Back soon, darling!

DOORBELL RINGS

CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

SHE GIGGLES

HE PLAYS THE SCALES

HE SIGHS

Ha! Have you seen this?

We used to play it every Christmas.

"You have been asked to do a photo shoot,

"and they will pay you five grand, but...

"you have to go topless.

"Do you accept?"

Come off it.

I don't get out of bed for less than ten thousand.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Mrs Tembe?

-I have come to apologise.

-I am so sorry. I did not mean to speak out of turn.

-No.

I have baked you a fruit cake. It was for the church's bring-and-buy,

but I can always bake them another one.

Now, in my experience, it is never a good idea

to keep secrets from your loved ones.

-No.

-Oh, I see you have bought flowers. Now, that...

That is an excellent idea!

The kitchen's just through here?

SHE GASPS

Now, that is much better!

Your girlfriend is going to be very impressed.

Mrs Tembe, you don't have to...

-Mrs Warden?

-Sienna!

OK...

"You have been invited to a drinks party,

"but unfortunately, so has your ex-husband,

"whom you haven't seen since your acrimonious divorce.

"Do you stay or make your excuses and leave?"

I pour a glass of rioja all over his pristine suit.

Ouch.

The funny thing is, I always thought it would be me who kicked him out.

Hmm, sorry.

Oh, don't worry. It's OK now. Most of the time.

"It's your birthday.

"Your two children present you with a bowl of cherries.

"Later, you find they've been picked from your neighbour's cherry tree.

-"Do you keep quiet?"

-Yeah, well, that does sound like Jack and Immie!

Those two really gave you the run-around.

You must be relieved they're out of your hair.

Yeah.

I suppose.

I don't know what you thought you were doing with that thing in your bath.

-You should be ashamed of yourself!

-It's...

-What if Mrs Tembe found her?

In the medical profession, we are used to seeing...

many strange sights.

Do you think this is normal?

-Do you?

-Many men have unusual preferences, Mrs Warden.

-It's not that unusual.

-What on earth would your father have thought?

-What on earth would your girlfriend think?

-She IS my girlfriend.

-She's what?

-Sienna IS my girlfriend.

Don't be ridiculous! It's a doll!

Her name is Sienna.

-Your girlfriend?

-Clive! She's a doll!

He needs help, doesn't he? Medical help!

Oh, my goodness.

Mmm, this is more like it.

You're working late and your attractive boss makes a pass at you.

Do you accept her invitation?

Careful...

your career could depend on this.

Well, in that case,

-I would have to say that...

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Lyn Farrell?

Andrei! Hello!

Oh, really?

Oh, that's fantastic.

No, um, tomorrow would be perfect!

Yeah.

Mrs Tembe, I want you to book him an appointment. He needs therapy.

And THIS isn't helping!

I think it is Clive who should decide what he needs.

Well, I'm sorry that's how you feel, Mrs Tembe.

I thought I could rely on you!

Well, this nonsense has got to stop!

Mum, what are you doing? Please don't do that.

This has gone too far! It's not good for you playing with dolls.

Let go of her!

-Please...

-I'm getting rid of her for you!

-I don't want you to!

Mrs Warden, this is not your decision!

-It's not about what you want, but what's good for you.

-Mum, please!

What have you done?!

That's enough!

You're always telling me what to do.

Stop interfering and leave me alone!

You said you wanted to meet my girlfriend! Well, now you have!

If you don't like her, that's your problem, not mine.

This is my choice!

If you don't like it, you can leave!

-But Clive...

-Get out!

-Darling...

-Out!

I blame you for this!

We'll have a pursuit team in place tomorrow afternoon

to follow Andrei once he leaves here.

-Armed Response are on standby just in case things turn ugly.

-Right.

We really need him to swallow your story.

-If he smells anything dodgy...

-Yeah.

Thank you, Detective Inspector. I think we know what we have to do.

Yes, boss.

Well, I think that's it for today. You might want to get some rest.

-Tomorrow's going to be full on.

-Thank you, Terry.

So same time tomorrow.

Unless you want to... go over the questions again.

There is a bottle of wine in the fridge.

OK, contestants, fingers on buzzers. Nurse Marquez goes...

-Buzz!

-Nurse Reid goes...

-UNENTHUSIASTIC: Ding.

-Question number one -

"Now what I want is facts"? Who said that?

What?

I'll have to hurry you.

Thomas Gradgrind. The first line of Hard Times. Charles Dickens.

Question number two.

"In my younger and more vulnerable years,

"my father gave me some advice

"I've been turning over in my mind ever since."

Can you tell me what that advice was?

This is ridiculous.

Heston, how are we supposed to know stuff like that?

This is elementary literary knowledge.

For you, maybe.

I had hoped we were going to rise above celebrity culture

and Z-factor, but clearly not.

-I'm not coming if all the questions are like this.

-I knew it'd be lame.

Well, if you're such experts, you do it.

We just do things together, that's all.

We watch TV. Have dinner. Stuff any other couple does.

Yeah, well, there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed.

A lot of people find... unconventional ways of...

-Well, sorting out their problems.

-I just like having her around. She's someone to talk to.

These last couple of weeks have been...fun.

Well, I know it can get lonely when you live on your own.

Lots of single people have cats and dogs.

This isn't so different. In fact, in some ways, it's more natural.

With Sienna I can just...be myself. I don't have to pretend.

I don't expect it to last forever.

People change.

I am sure you are going to find someone real one day,

and she is going to like you for yourself.

I just don't meet anyone. I work alone, I don't go out much.

Sure, there are lots of things you can do to meet new people.

Have you thought about joining a book club?

I've lots of friends on the internet!

Or now, what about a salsa class?

There are some very nice ladies who attend the salsa class at my church.

Girls just laugh at me. They think I'm a nerd.

I get shy and tongue-tied and they laugh at me.

These ladies at church, they are very...

very patient and understanding.

Well, they would welcome you with open arms.

They are always looking for new young men to join their class.

Salsa's not really my thing.

There is no pressure.

Just young people go there...

-Well, to have fun.

-We'll think about it.

Won't we, darling?

I'll think about it.

GIGGLING

-That was a bit mean.

-What?

-I heard you ganging up on Heston.

-Oh, come on.

-He's put a lot of work into that quiz.

-Yeah.

-We were a bit mean.

-He shouldn't have asked such stupid questions!

-And now there's no quiz?

-Aw!

-You could do it? Oh, you'd be great!

-Why don't you?

-Um...

Because I'm super busy. Oh, please!

-OK!

-General knowledge was never your strong point, was it, darling?

Yes!

-He was never very academic.

-Well...

Yes, I was.

OK...

I'll do it!

SHE LAUGHS

TELEPHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

'I'm sorry, but the person you called...'

SHE REDIALS

TELEPHONE RINGS

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

"The Sweeney" RINGTONE BLARES

HE SWITCHES IT OFF

Heston, this is the 21st century.

-There is such a thing as fair selection.

-What about gut instinct?

He started dressing differently.

Anyway, it turned out he was having an affair.

Big surprise!

Mind if I have a look around?

-Standard procedure.

-Yeah, of course.

-Where would you like to start?

-Where's your baby going to sleep?

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