Bleeding Hearts Doctors

Well, Peg, here I go.

Erm... Well, I... I must apologise.

I have spoken to head office and they assured me

that a replacement tour guide is on his way.

As soon as he arrives, we can start.

Oh, Ron, hello. It's been ages.

How are you?

-Well, you know.

-I know this must be hard for you.

But it's great that you've come!

Although there's a bit of panic at the moment.

Seems our tour guide hasn't turned up.

-Oh?

-No. I suppose we're sunk without one.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

No, it'll be fine once we get going.

Don't worry.

It'll be a gentle-paced day.

And I have got enough snacks for both of us if it gets tiring.

Peggy wouldn't thank me if I didn't look after you.

Oh, you must be Mr Bick, our tour guide?

Don't see any other Australian stunners round here,

so you must be correct.

We were expecting you half-an-hour ago to meet and greet.

Keep your wig on, missus.

I had a heavy session last night, all right?

Anyone else would feel like they just won the lottery.

You paid for economy, you've just been upgraded to business class.

Basically, you should be feeling pretty damn privileged, all right?

James chucked a sickie and I stepped in.

I'm only here cos I'm broke.

All right?

Er... can I have your attention, please?

This is Mr Bick - our replacement tour guide.

Now, before we start...

OK, people, listen up.

Welcome to Letherbridge Walking Tour of Hidden Treasures.

I'll be running this show.

And I know what you're thinking, "Wait, this guy's famous."

But no. It's just I get that a lot.

Read the T-shirt - it says I'm in charge.

A few ground rules.

First rule - I know this is a church trip, but no religious stuff,

and we'll get along just fine.

Second rule - stay with the group.

Drag your heels, you get left behind.

Sneak off to the toilet without permission, you get left behind.

And if you get left behind...

not my problem. Righto.

No. No, no, no. Mr Johnson, this way.

Come.

"Farmyard husbandry"?

Scintillating bedtime reading, Nurse Marquez(!) I can't keep up.

Oh, I don't suppose you can -

not with that scintillating breakfast.

Oh, are you doing the clinic later? I need to chase you up for some supplies.

Nope, I'm doing morning clinic, then I've got the rest of the day off.

-Lucky you.

-Our Nurse Marquez fancies herself as something of a gentlewoman farmer.

Some library books and a few transferable skills ought to do it.

Hmm. You know, maybe you should come with me.

I think you'd feel well at home...

in the pig sty.

Oooh! Hoo-hoo!

Made a fan there, I see(!)

Natural charisma - it's the weight I have to carry.

That and a thick skin.

Listen, yesterday, I have to admit, I had a good laugh.

Only happy to oblige.

Right, so, I'd like to return the favour.

Now, clearly music is something that means everything to you,

so I'd like to introduce you to something that means everything to me -

-running.

-Whoa.

OK, look, look. Me with my feet, running?

No.

You've got the footwear. It's free, it's beneficial -

-you've got nothing to lose.

-Except my dignity. Except my dignity.

Except my dignity!

We don't have the same taste in music, do we? But I gave that a go.

-I think there should be a two-way.

-All right.

When the weather's better, hey?

Early lunch, I reckon.

No time like the present, mate.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I've forgotten my PE kit.

Oh, OK, don't worry. I can sort you out with that.

What a fine example of Tudor architecture.

Lovely, isn't it?

-Oh, here, here. Have a closer look.

-Oh, thank you.

Ron, come and have a look.

-Look at the details on those windows.

-How splendid.

Biscuit, anyone?

No, thank you.

-Thank you.

-According to the itinerary,

we are supposed to go inside.

Yeah, no rush, people.

Mr Bick, as part of the tour, we are meant to go inside.

Well, if I'm not inside, then it's not part of the tour, is it?

-MUFFLED:

-Never mind, we're going inside the church next, anyway.

What's that, Margaret?

I couldn't hear you with your mouth crammed full of biscuit.

Mr Bick, there is no need...

No, not that way, Mr Johnson! No, not that way!

How the hell did I end up here?

Sorry?

Well, since you're asking, yesterday I was driving round the woman's under-20 volleyball team.

You figure that one out.

I was living the dream, mate, living the dream.

Yeah, right, so...er...

we're at a church...

a very old one, by the look of it.

It is a very well-known church.

Nah, this isn't old. You want to see old churches?

Go to South America, mate. Been there in me ambo days.

Ambo?

Ambulance worker. "Paramedic" to you guys.

What has this got to do with the church?

Ever carried a 16-stone man down the side of a mountain

on your shoulders?

That is as real as it gets.

You can't ask those locals if they've got a mobility scooter.

Not happening in South America!

Is it time to go inside?

Yeah, go for it.

I'll hang out here while you guys get your religious fix.

KNOCK ON DOOR

There you go.

Oh, joy(!)

That's you sorted, then.

Yeah, so it seems. Don't forget, I got to choose the route,

so I've downloaded a map.

Seems a bit ambitious for a beginner.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing well, Jimmi.

Whoa, babes. Babes! Babes, where you going?

You don't know what you're missing out on.

Could be the tour of your life!

Erm... We are waiting.

Yeah, keep running. You got more rolls than my local bakery anyway.

-I don't even like fat chicks!

-Can we start, please?

And more information this time.

So we're at a creek.

This is a canal.

This region is renowned for them.

Back at home, this would be a public urinal.

For a real creek, go to South America, mate.

Oh, no.

No, Mr Johnson, not that way!

-Have you seen the others?

-Which others?

We are missing some of the group - the Joneses, Miss Wooley.

Oh, Margaret? Is she not here yet?

No. Have you seen her?

Well, she said she'd be back. I hope she's all right.

And I accidentally clicked on your Facebook page the other day and guess what I saw?

Our old scuba instructor paddling in your pool.

So when you've finished with your pommy spandex-wearing pool cleaner, I'll...

Oh, flipping machine!

Mr Bick, where are the others?

Who are we talking about, missus?

The other members of the tour group!

-You were supposed to bring them to the tearoom!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I said, you drag your heels, you get left behind.

-If customers have mobility issues, they should have read the Ts and Cs.

-Excuse me?

The terms and conditions.

If they couldn't do a walking tour, they shouldn't have paid the money.

It would be like me rocking up for work in the jungle in a wheelchair.

Mr Bick, I suggest you find them,

-or you will not get paid.

-Yeah, all right.

If I can track down a group of lost orphans in the Amazon,

I reckon I can track down a few biddies hunting for a tearoom.

Mrs Tembe, I'll go and look for Margaret.

Oh, thank you, Mr Wise, that will be very helpful.

No, no, no. Mr Johnson, not that way!

You OK?

AL PANTS HEAVILY

Listen, mate...

you go at your own pace.

Don't worry about me. I'll see you at the end.

You sure?

Yeah.

Oh, Margaret! I'm so sorry.

What on earth for?

-I thought maybe you'd gone home.

-Oh, goodness me, no!

I just went ahead for a quick snack, and then I realised

I might have left my binoculars here, or so I thought.

And I sort of lost track of time.

Was it because of Ned that you left?

I must apologise. He was so rude.

Yes, he was.

But Ned's just a big, boisterous kid.

I had plenty of those in my class when I was teaching.

It's always the insecure ones that make the most noise.

Nevertheless, I should have helped.

Aren't you being a bit hard on yourself?

Maybe, it's just I didn't realise

how much confidence I'd lost over the years looking after Peggy.

I have to admit that, after she died,

I just shut myself away.

But then after a while, you realise you can't go on like that.

Come on, how about that sandwich?

Who the devil are you?

I'm Mandy. You must be Edward.

-Yes.

-I'm house sitting for your parents.

Left you in charge, have they?

Seems so.

My parents usually leave some cash lying around in case of emergencies.

You couldn't sub me some housekeeping?

It's just that I'm a bit short at the moment. you know how it is.

OK, there's this girl, Poppy,

sister of a friend,

and if I'm going to make a half-decent impression,

-I'm going to need some dosh.

-Sorry, Edward.

I'm under strict instructions.

-What?

-Not to give you any money.

HE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

-How did you get here?

-I felt a twinge in my ankle,

thought it might be peroneal tendon subluxation,

so I worked out a short cut

and, lo and behold, it brought me straight here.

You had this planned all along, didn't you?

Well, while we're here, we should sample some of the local fare.

I took the liberty of lining up a few for you to try.

It's not just music I have to impart.

Let's call it a mercy mission.

Any man who purports to prefer lager, needs help.

-This will cancel out the benefits of my run.

-Hey ho!

This is all part of their plan,

sailing off without leaving me a bean.

I need a crash course at the school of hard knocks, according to them.

I mean, heaven sakes!

-HE LAUGHS

-That's not how you do it!

SHE MOCKS HIS LAUGHTER

How come you don't get off your posh bum of yours, eh?

What, frightened I might fall about laughing too?

C'mon, Hettie, good girl!

Here, Maisie! Come on!

Chick, chick, chickens!

-How'd you do that?

-You forget I was raised here.

How about omelette for lunch?

Have you seen Mr Bick?

I think he just popped to the gents, Mrs Tembe.

-Are you all right?

-I'm sorry.

It's just things aren't going according to schedule

and some people are a little worried

they will not see the Morris dancing.

It'll just take a little re-jigging.

I'm sure everybody can be accommodated.

-Cheers, mate.

-I'm sorry, that's my sandwich.

Blimey, Margaret! Can't anyone eat food around you,

without you trying to scoff it?

Mr Bick, some of us are concerned about the schedule.

Don't worry. I've got it all under wraps

Guys, listen up!

This is how it's going to be.

We're running out of time today,

so we're going to have to make a few sacrifices.

First, no time for Morris dancing,

Second, no time for a gift shop

and third, no time for Quaker houses.

-Any questions?

-I'm sorry, Ned, but I have to locate my binoculars.

Margaret! Excuse me, do you know that it is rude to interrupt people?

This is not Margaret's tour, it's the group's tour.

If you'd abided by my rules in the first place,

we wouldn't be in this predicament.

But you chose to go off and spend the whole day grazing,

slowing everyone down.

-Mr Bick!

-It doesn't matter.

-It does!

Mr Bick, we have heard quite enough from you today. You are...

HE SHUSHES HER

I think you're forgetting who's wearing the t-shirt, Tembe.

Mmm!

-Good?

-Mmm, delicious!

PHONE RINGS

Poppy! Lovely surprise!

No, this is a good time.

Yeah, if you're free next weekend, maybe I could take you out.

My best friend's the owner of Insurrection.

No, really.

David Guetta and all that lot, they're always there.

You don't like him? I don't really either.

What's so funny?

Who called me that?

Poppy, sorry, forget what I said.

It would just be nice to meet for a coffee next time you're in town.

OK, then!

It worked!

-She said she'd give me a ring.

-There you go!

"These Arts and Crafts houses were traditional in design

"and became a blueprint

"for many other model village estates in Britain."

Oh! Well, please, tell us more!

"As the Cadburys were temperance Quakers,

"no public houses were built in the vicinity."

Blimey, can you imagine that?

I myself couldn't step foot in a pub for a month.

Why? Cos my ex sucked every penny out of my wallet,

I couldn't even afford a pint!

-Back to the Quaker house.

-I was like Jesus in a desert.

Only thing that mattered to her was my money, and spending it.

She'd take the shirt of my back if she had the chance,

-the heartless troll!

-Mr Bick!

Will you please refrain from

parading your personal grievances before us?

Your behaviour has been disgraceful.

I will be sending a personal letter of complaint.

Listen, Tembe, you've been barking in me ear all day

like a starving dog, and I'm sick of it!

Mr Bick, that is enough!

Obviously, all of you have got a problem with the way I run my ship.

Hands up who thinks I've been unreasonable?

No-one? Funny that!

But I guess it's OK to gob off about me behind my back?

You've been nothing but unreasonable and winding me up all day.

-It's been pure grief man!

-Mr Bick!

You're like a bunch of termites, just keep biting till I snap!

You, Mr J, slowing everyone down!

You shouldn't have been let out

without a compass strapped to your neck.

That is enough, I think you should leave!

And I think you should zip it, Tembe!

-Ned!

-Just clearing the air.

You need to go.

I'm not going anywhere till the job's done

and the money's in my pocket.

Now, would anybody mind

if Margaret shared some of her knowledge

about these wonderful houses?

Margaret, that would be wonderful.

Historical information has been very thin on the ground today.

-You were raised here?

-For my sins.

Couldn't wait to escape.

Preferred the city, then?

Absolutely.

Same here.

It is really cool, though, how you know all this country stuff.

Something must have stuck. My parents would be pleased.

Maybe they'll leave you to house sit next time?

Don't hold your breath!

Edward, I've got a proposition for you.

OK.

How about I help you with your posh bird,

I give you some of my allowance, in arrears of course,

if you help me with something in the yard?

Is that it? Well, yes!

-Deal?

-Deal!

-Eurgh!

-Sorry!

What's this called again?

Dusty Velvet Mudslinger.

You're kidding!

Cheeky little number, hence the unique name.

Surprisingly good.

Right...

a giant rat or a miniature tiger?

What?

What wins in a fight? A giant rat or a miniature tiger.

Seconds out?

OK, a tiger.

How so? What about the rodent?

Nasty teeth, spreads the plague?

It's a tiger!

-It's a giant pussy cat!

-The dexterity counts.

I think you're underestimating a rat's innate prowess.

Prowess! What prowess has a scurvy rat got?

I said giant rat, this bad boy is 6ft tall.

Would you fight him?

You didn't say that, did you?

All right, OK.

MORRIS DANCING MUSIC PLAYS

Well, at least it has been an enjoyable ending.

-To an enjoyable day?

-THEY LAUGH

Well, at least we can say it has been interesting.

Don't worry, Mrs Tembe, this was the highlight

that everybody wanted to see, so it's been fine.

Well, for nearly everyone.

I will have to have strong words with the travel firm about that man,

and if he thinks he's going to get paid...

Is Margaret all right, do you think?

She does look a little pale.

Margaret, are you OK?

-Ron, where are we?!

-What is it?

Golly, your hands are cold.

Mr Bick, we need your help!

What's the matter with her? Is she dead?!

-What we going to do, man?!

-Do you not know?

Ring for an ambulance, somebody!

Margaret, can you hear me?

Her pulse is racing, how much has she had to eat today?

-She did not have any lunch.

-Ned, look in her handbag!

Get me some juice, there are some snacks in there,

something to drink, something sugary!

Mr Bick!

-What's wrong with her?

-She's a diabetic.

SHE GASPS

Thanks, Edward.

Pleasure.

Margaret is going to be all right, and it's all thanks to you.

You know, I decided it was time to give up moping,

and this excursion was about me stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Well, It hasn't been what I expected,

but I've got my confidence back.

-Your wife would be so proud of you.

-Yes.

But I also learned something else, thanks to Margaret

and, funnily enough, Ned.

That I always had strength.

It was just always buried under all that grief.

Mr Wise, you have been incredible.

You acted so quickly and it is obvious you have medical skills.

Well, before I was Peggy's carer I was a paramedic for the Red Cross.

You were?

You have been so modest! Unlike Mr Bick...

Oh, yes. Where is he?

Right lad, I think it's time

you took a long, hard look at what you're doing.

-Today's been a shambles, thanks to you.

-Blame the fall guy!

None of you realise this is a tough job.

My heart's still bleeding, man, all right?

I realise it's tough getting over a relationship,

but in your case, I think it's your ego that's bruised

more than your heart is.

Either way, you have to move on.

I know what I'm talking about.

I lost my wife. 40 years, we were married.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to...

It hasn't been easy dealing with her loss either.

They were happy years and that's what keeps me going.

You might get on better

if you were more tolerant and respectful of other people.

I think a few apologies would be in order.

Mrs T, could I have a word?

What is it, Mr Bick?

About earlier...

maybe I was a bit...but if you can let bygones,

I'm prepared to forget too.

So, can I get paid now?

Mr Bick, if you think

you are going to get one penny,

you are very much mistaken.

-Wait a minute, that's not fair!

-What is not fair,

is that you have ruined what should have been

a special day for many people

with your ignorant, rude, opinionated behaviour.

-I really tried today!

-PHONE RINGS

Yeah, Dave, mate. Just finished.

Couldn't get enough of me.

Had one old biddy nearly kick the bucket.

Had to pull out some of my old ambo training.

No, it's no biggie.

Hang on a minute

Yep, still here, mate.

Edward, this smells fantastic!

Nut roast for you, homemade bangers for me!

Oh, thank you!

I have to admit, I was just about ready

to chuck this house sitting lark in.

I felt like a proper fish out of water.

A right townie.

There are some good things about country living,

like this, and finding this.

Here's to the good life.

The good life.

Al Haskey, as I live and breathe!

Jenny's on the door step.

Just leave it, Al.

It's my life, not yours!

Where are we going?

HE SHOUTS We're not going anywhere!

Don't give up on me.

This has to end. You know that, don't you?

He'll go to the police.

I'm not scared. I'm angry.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd