Heston's Last Testament Doctors

Oh! I thought Jas was in today?

We swapped shifts.

I need a bit of time to catch up on all this.

Hopefully it'll be light. Oh, did you manage to patch things up with Ruby?

Sorry?

Last night? She left early?

Everything all right?

No, actually. We parted ways.

Right. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

It's fine, really.

Heston! You're a difficult man to find.

Well, I decided to come here for a bit of peace and quiet. Silly me.

I wanted to make sure you weren't worried about that situation with Ruby last night.

-What do you mean?

-She clearly wasn't interested in Al's invention.

I just wanted to let you know that we don't hold you responsible.

-Thank you.

-Mind you, I was a little pushy too.

I hope she doesn't think I was only after one thing.

You needn't concern yourself.

They've split up.

-I'm so sorry.

-I'm fine. I just...need to be on my own.

Thanks.

-Hiya.

-Morning. You look knackered.

Mm. It's those flaming pigs. Grunting and snorting all night.

I thought you'd finished playing pig farmer?

Not till Tuesday.

I bet you'll be relieved.

Well, it has been a hassle, but I think I've kind of enjoyed it.

Well, you could always quit nursing, take up the good life.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh! Speak of the devil...

Hello, Mrs Fitzwilliams. How's the holiday going?

'It's a safari, dear, and it's quite intolerable.'

-Sorry to hear that.

-'We must've gone to the only reserve in Africa where the animals are camera shy.'

Oh dear.

'There's a patient here to see you.'

Isn't Jimmi available?

'He says it has to be you. It's urgent.'

Fine. KNOCK AT DOOR

Please, come in.

-I was told you'd be at the other surgery. I don't appreciate being given the run-around.

-I apologise.

Sometimes we have to change the rota.

So, how can I help?

I'm a solicitor. I'm here on behalf of a client -

a Mr Jonathon Gough.

And what's his concern?

He's dead.

Right. Gough... Can't place the name.

He's a patient of yours. Well, he was.

I see a lot of patients.

I don't think I've done anything to warrant a malpractice suit

this early in the morning.

Why does everyone always think they're being sued?

You've been named as the sole benefactor in Mr Gough's will.

I beg your pardon?

You're to inherit his entire estate.

What happened to him?

He died. I thought I mentioned that.

-No, what was the cause of death?

-I wouldn't know, I'm not his doctor.

But why would he leave me...?

I have another appointment.

The reading of the will is at 3.30 this afternoon at my office. Please be on time.

'And how is my darling Calliope?'

Who's Calliope?

'My sweet guinea pig.'

-A guinea pig?

-(What's wrong?)

I accidentally killed it.

-'Mandy, are you there? Is something wrong?'

-Um...yes, she's fine!

'Mandy, I can't hear you! What's wrong with my Calliope?'

Nothing! She's fine! She's here with me now.

-(What are you doing?)

-Shhh!

'Why would you take Calliope to a doctor's surgery?

-'Is she ill?'

-(Tell her she's training to be a nurse.)

Um...because...

because she was lonely!

And I felt bad, so I brought her into work to keep her company.

'I'd like to speak to her, please.'

Um... She can't come to the phone right now.

'Nonsense, she'll talk to her mummy. Put her on.'

OK...

Here she is.

SHE SQUEAKS

'Calliope? It's Mummy! She misses you!'

She's gone. I've got to go.

Mrs Fitzwilliams, I've got to get back to work.

'She didn't sound quite herself.

'I look forward to seeing her in person.'

-Yeah. Calliope can't wait.

-Me neither!

Got to go. Ta-ra! Ta-ra!

What have I done?

Karen, I need some information on a Jonathan Gough.

Let's have a look.

Karen, can I get a couple of e-mail addresses when you're done, please?

A few of us are going out for a drink after work tonight.

It's not a posh medical ball - not everyone is invited to one of those.

You two up for it?

Yeah, yeah. Count me in.

Doctor Carter? Up for an evening out with the Mill massive?

I'm a bit busy to be cavorting every night.

Ah, here he is.

History of mild depression,

anxiety attacks, complained of symptoms he didn't have.

Used to come in for a good old moan. Is there a next of kin?

There's a wife - Corinne, and a home address if you need it.

Oh, good. Print it off, will you?

You know, an evening out might take your mind off Ruby.

-Drown your sorrows with a few friends.

-Who told you about that?

-Er...

-Anything to feed the endless rumour mill.

When I want to be the office scuttlebutt, I will let you know.

DOORBELL RINGS

Mrs Gough, I'm doctor Heston Carter, your late husband's GP.

I wanted to express my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

That's very sweet of you. Come in.

You didn't have to come all this way.

I'm sure you're busy.

Oh, no trouble.

I confess I was surprised to hear he'd passed on so suddenly.

It was a heart attack.

I kept telling him to slow down. Work, socialising - he never let up.

He was obviously a very popular man.

He never did anything by halves.

And I never wanted for anything...

I'm sorry.

No need to apologise.

Mrs Gough, I have to ask, did your husband ever mention me at all?

I don't think so. Why don't you ask him? He's still with us.

Yes, in spirit, I suppose he is.

No, he's right here.

I couldn't bury him.

Mrs Gough, I seem to be named as a benefactor in your late husband's will.

Our solicitor told me this morning.

Did John leave you any instructions?

Until a few hours ago, I didn't know he'd left me anything at all.

I see.

I try to be strong, but it's a facade.

He was such a wonderful husband. I miss him.

I'm sure you can imagine if you lost your own wife...

I'm not married.

Really? I presumed...

-No.

-Oh, well. Perhaps it's for the best.

All these years of bliss just end up making the heartache worse.

You're better off without.

The worst part is, this house is full of our memories together,

and this afternoon I could lose it all and I'll be left with nothing.

Mrs Gough, I promise to put this right.

As soon as I get the money, I'll pass it straight over.

SHE SOBS

I've got to find a flamin' guinea pig before they get back.

And you've tried all the local pet shops?

Yep. And the animal shelter. Nothing.

Didn't you kill Calliope two weeks ago?

It was an accident.

I mean, why have you left it till now to sort it?

Because I was busy! And I'm a horrible person!

-Shh-shh-shh!

-What's up with you?

Just a little bit delicate this morning.

Had one too many last night, did you?

I don't see what your problem is anyway.

Just tell the old bat she's one pet down.

Don't be so insensitive. I don't want to upset her.

She's going to be a lot more upset when she discovers you murdered

her favourite furry thing, hid the body and replaced it with a double.

Why would you do that, Mandy - why?

Why can't YOU ever be nice?

I'm Doctor Al Haskey. Have we never met?

I'm being serious.

Have you not noticed that no-one ever comes to you for help?

Karen doesn't even bother bringing the charity tin round

cos she knows you won't put in!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweet child of mine, I put in!

I just prefer to make my charitable donations by direct debit.

Ooh! D'you know, forget it.

If you don't want anyone to like you, fine.

You're going the right way about it.

Where do we keep the teabags in this place?

Rough morning?

Infuriating.

I had a patient who died, which would be bad enough,

except he's left me quite a mystery, along with everything in his will!

Oh, right. I see we're not replacing milk, but leaving empty cartons

so that the cow fairy can refill them with her magic udders!

This isn't just about the will, is it?

I mean, why me? He had the perfect life, he had a lovely wife, lots of friends.

He wasn't some sad old man with no-one to leave anything to.

Sorry, you've both got patients.

I'm doing paperwork!

There's a woman here who says she'll only see you.

Come in, please. I'm Doctor Carter.

Kelly. A pleasure.

How can I help?

I've just got back from down under,

and I'm feeling a bit under the weather.

I was hoping you'll make me feel better.

Can you describe your symptoms?

I'm hot.

Like I have a fever.

It feels like I want to tear all my clothes off.

How long have you been feeling this way?

Since yesterday.

Right, let's have a look.

D'you want me lying down?

No, sitting up is fine.

Adventurous. I like that.

Any pain?

My throat. I think my glands are swollen.

OK.

Right. Open wide.

And say, "Ahh".

-MOANING SEDUCTIVELY:

-Ah!

Where shall I put this?

Yes, that's quite enough, thank you.

Well, some of my other glands are quite swollen.

Ooh!

Marquez, let's talk.

I should not be telling you this,

but for some unfathomable reason I want to help you out.

I have a friend who works in a laboratory where

they do medical testing on animals.

-Oh, that's awful...

-Shh!

My friend agrees with you,

so he's set up a secret pipeline to get them out.

You're winding me up?

This is me being nice, OK?

I've arranged for you to meet my friend at lunch time. He thinks he's got exactly what you need.

-You're going to rendezvous...

-Rendezvous?! I'm a nurse, not James Bond!

You're going to rendezvous with him at the Icon at 14.15 hours.

Wear your orange scarf so he can identify you.

Is this legal?

Don't be followed, don't be late, and whatever you do,

do not speak to him.

So I don't blow his cover?

No, he's just really shy.

Heston, I feel your eyes all over me.

Give in to temptation.

-If I was 20 years younger...

-Yes?

..I would throw you out of this office.

As it is, madam, I will politely ask you to leave.

I'm sorry.

I need your help, and I thought if I offered myself to you...

Why didn't you just ask?

Most men I know don't give help for free.

-What do you want?

-I'm John Gough's daughter.

I left home years ago to get away from my mother.

And now Daddy's gone, she's after my inheritance.

I need your help to stop her.

-How do you know I'm involved? I only found out this morning.

-Let's just say

someone in the solicitor's office owed me a favour.

Why don't you speak to your mother?

If she knew I was back, there'd be hell to pay.

Surely she'd want to speak to you at this time of grief?

You don't know the years of abuse Daddy suffered

at the hands of that woman.

She was always putting him down,

constantly nagging him.

She humiliated him with other men.

I couldn't stand to see him treated so badly, I...

So you left.

Packed my bags and never looked back.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did.

And now he's gone, I can't say goodbye.

But I can stop that heartless wench from picking through his bones.

I'd like to help,

but I don't think I should be divvying up somebody's inheritance.

You'd be helping his only daughter. It's what he would have wanted.

Come to the reading of the will. We'll take it from there.

No, she'll be there! I don't want to cause a scene.

If Dad trusted you, then so do I.

Please help me, Heston.

That's not him.

-What?!

-You're just flirting with some random bloke.

-What are you even doing here?

-I came to help.

-And it's kind of exciting.

-Not if we get caught.

This is a bad idea.

I'm in enough trouble already.

There he is. Just act natural.

Is that it? It looks a bit sus to me.

Have a look inside.

Oh! Ha-ha!

It's the spitting image! Al, I could kiss you!

Go on, then.

I come bearing gifts.

With fresh milk?

From the cow fairy - enjoy.

-What's going on?

-The plot thickens.

I have two women fighting over me,

for some money I haven't even got yet. It's ridiculous.

-Not really what you need, especially after Ruby.

-I knew there was no future there.

We were incompatible.

But I went down that route because...

You felt alone.

I'm at an age where it's increasingly likely I'll stay that way.

I don't believe that for a second. You're in your prime.

Look at Julia. She never let age stop her from doing what she wanted.

-Perhaps.

-You'll find someone.

At least, that's what everyone keeps telling me. Who knows?

This sounds suspiciously like a pep talk.

Listen, the Heston I know doesn't mope around.

He gets loud. He gets angry.

But he always comes through for his patients. OK?

Isn't she cute?

I think my work here is done.

If you ladies have any more problems that need solving, I'll be outside healing the sick.

Thanks, Al. And I'm sorry for what I said earlier.

Don't worry about it. Just remember, not all heroes are your traditional tall, dark and handsome.

Just the good-looking ones.

You're just jealous because your contribution to this was... I forget.

What's that?

-Probably the bitter taste of defeat.

-Is Calliope a boy's name?

-No.

-Then your pet's grown an extra appendage.

-Impossible!

-Seven years of medical school -

I think I know the difference between boys and girls.

Oh.

Aw! I don't believe this!

Typical blokes - always turning up when you don't want them!

Good job, hero(!)

Great(!)

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm here to see Mrs Gough.

Who is it, darling?

Excuse me.

I see you've moved onto a new stage of grieving.

It's not what it looks like. I'm a masseuse! I work from home.

How many masseuses work in their negligee?

It helps relax the clients.

Eric... I mean, Tony! The session's over. Off you pop, dear...

I realise it's not my place to judge, but your daughter has made me

aware of some home truths that I'm now finding it difficult to disprove.

My daughter? What's she doing back?

Preventing a travesty of justice!

After all these years, she decides to waltz back in.

She's only after her pound of flesh, the scheming little witch.

She IS your daughter!

Please! She ran out years ago.

Left me to deal with the old bugger all alone.

And this is how you dealt with it?

Yes, I enjoy the occasional squeeze,

but it's nothing compared with Johnny's stream of indiscretions!

I did my time and I deserve what's coming to me.

Well, what's coming to you.

Perhaps John wanted me to help heal some wounds -

reconcile you and your daughter.

I just want to be reconciled with his money.

And if I'm not, I'll tie you up in court for years.

Well, I can't say I agree with your lifestyle, but you are his wife.

And all this will be sorted out at the reading of the will.

Don't suppose you'd care for a massage before you go?

-Don't forget to wear that verruca sock.

-Will do.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Female? Oh, fantastic!

I'm coming now!

-Kelly?

-Oh! Hello, Doctor.

What are you doing out here?

I wanted to make sure I was here when you got the cash.

Corinne might try to use her feminine wiles on you.

You should be inside.

-I can't be in the same room as that woman.

-No, you have every right to be there.

I'm sure your father loved you just as much as your mother.

More than.

Corinne must acknowledge what you meant to him.

You're right. I deserve to be in there. He loved me!

You only called me 15 minutes ago! Who's bought it?

Hello, I'm Mandy. What's your name?

Harry.

That's a lovely guinea pig you've got there, Harry.

I just bought him.

You know, a friend of mine

used to have a guinea pig just like that, but it died.

So I tried to buy another one to make her feel better,

but they haven't got any left.

Do you think you could do me a massive favour and let me buy that one?

You want MY guinea pig?

Yeah. You could get another one.

But I don't need another one. I've got this one.

-You!

-That's right. I deserve to be here.

Heston told me so!

Did he now?

Ladies, let's try and settle this.

-No chance! She's a tart!

-Says you!

You have both endured a terrible loss.

John wouldn't want you arguing.

Let's bring mother and daughter together again.

This isn't my daughter. She's Johnny's mistress!

-I beg your pardon?

-You brought his bit on the side!

I see you've found yourself a new sugar daddy.

Johnny loved me!

Yeah, you and half of Letherbridge!

Says you. Standing here in your black get-up! In mourning, are we?

-How dare you?!

-How dare YOU?!

How dare you walk in here with the nerve and come in here

telling me what to do and pretending to be my daughter!

I'll make it worth your while.

How?

Cash on top of the sale price.

How much?

-Double.

-It was 50 pounds.

50 quid?! Flippin' heck! I'm in the wrong game.

Right.

100 quid.

Actually, I don't know... It's a very special guinea pig.

I couldn't let it go for that little.

What's so special about it?

Because YOU need it.

-I don't think anyone's going to be...

-Excuse me!

I'm sorry I lied, but it's just... no-one ever feels bad for the mistress,

and I wanted to win your trust.

Ha! Get him into bed with your "poor me" act.

I did love Johnny like a father. Sort of.

And I put up with him every bit as much as she did.

I demand compensation!

I don't understand. If you're his mistress, where's his daughter?

Still in Australia, I expect. She buggered off years ago.

She hated Johnny.

If you don't mind, I have the sacred responsibility of delivering

the last will and testament of Jonathan Gough,

so sit down and be quiet.

Some of us would like to go home today.

"I, Jonathan Gough, being of sound mind,

"do hereby declare this to be my last will and testament.

"I have not been happy these last few years.

"My wife and mistress both hate me,

"and my daughter moved halfway across the world to get away from me.

"In all this, I found solace in my appointments with Doctor Carter.

"He always made me feel relaxed and in the company of a friend.

"To my family and friends, I'm sorry.

"What you have become is a result of my own inadequacies.

"I therefore order my executor to give the remainder of my estate,

"after paying debts and funeral costs, to Doctor Heston Carter,

"so that the cycle of hatred and materialism may finally end."

Doctor Carter, I present Mr Gough's estate,

as per his instructions.

How much?

20.

Thousand?

No, just 20.

That's it?! All this for pocket change?

After deducting debts owed to creditors,

such as credit cards, car payments and so forth.

It seems that certain people in Mr Gough's life had expensive tastes.

You little tramp! You spent all my inheritance!

-Me?

-Yes, you!

-You're the gold-digger he kept in luxury!

Don't you dare call me a gold-digger!

-How much did that hat cost?

-Talking about hats, what about that jewel round your neck?

-I paid for this myself.

-I don't believe that!

-How many wardrobes have you got?

Johnny had plenty of mistresses!

I'm not paying 400 quid!

Then you don't get the guinea pig.

Please, I really need this.

There must be something else you want?

Well, there is one thing...

Anything.

I can't give this pet away to just anyone,

but I could give it as a present... to my new girlfriend.

You what? That's crazy!

-You're about nine!

-I'm 12 and mature for my age.

Not mature enough, mate.

Listen, it doesn't have to be a long-term relationship. We can just have some fun.

I beg your pardon?

I can tell my mates I've got an older woman. And you can pick me up from school.

And it's only right to seal the deal with a kiss.

Right, that's it!

Even if you were old enough,

I wouldn't be seen dead with a spoilt little brat like you!

Now give me that guinea pig!

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

Aw!

Still no guinea pig?

Nope.

What're you going to do now?

What I should've done this morning.

Hi, Mrs Fitzwilliams,

it's Mandy. I've got something to tell you about Calliope.

Um... I think she's put a bit of weight on.

I must have fed her too much. I'm really sorry. Thanks for understanding. Bye.

-How?

-I have my means!

How did you even know?

Jas filled me in.

Oh! I don't believe it!

I had a similar situation when our Jack killed the school rabbit.

-That still doesn't explain where you...

-Best not go there.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You two have really came through for me today.

Now, who's up for a drink?

Count me in!

Jimmi! Are you ready to go?

-Where to?

-Join the others for a drink.

I have a tale to tell and I need an audience.

You've perked up.

Well, after poor Mr Gough, being free and single doesn't seem quite so bad.

-What happened?

-I feel rejuvenated,

and looking forward to seeing who'll be in Heston's last testament.

-Try it.

-I am not talking to a computer.

One day very soon, Mrs Tembe, you'll have no choice.

That's not an easy thing to tell people.

Yeah, well, people don't know how to react. They get embarrassed.

I'm not going to tell anyone. I just need to know what's going on.

-Then you should speak to him yourself.

-I'm asking you.

Mum, you know as well as anyone that, in his condition,

an infection can be fatal.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd