Men at Work Doctors

I mean...

how do you manage a football team if you can't speak the language?

Thing is, can he do the job in hand?

Fourth in the league says, yes, he can.

Cheers, m'dears.

70 grand a week they're paying him!

Now, you tell me this...

Oh! Morning, Mrs Choudhury.

Tell me this, if I went over to Belgium,

-or wherever he comes from... Where does he come from?

-Turkey.

If I went over to Turkey and said, "I'll manage your football team.

"I can't speak the language, I'm afraid.

"But never mind.

"And it'll cost you 70 grand."

-What do you think they'd say?

-A week?

-A week! What do you think they'd say?

Something in Turkish.

"Not chuffing likely," that's what they'd say.

-Kalimera chuffing kalispera.

-What?!

That's "not chuffing likely" in Turkish.

Is it?

No. Got you going, though.

No, no. I'm serious.

# They call me the wanderer

# They call me the wanderer. #

Thanks. See you tomorrow.

-Was that Martha?

-Yeah. I sent her home.

-What?!

It's my day off. We don't need her.

I've tried to tell him.

-I want to spend the day with Dad.

-But she's booked. We've paid her.

So? She can have a paid day off.

Me and Pops are going to have a lad's day in, aren't we?

-I wish you'd do something for yourself. It's boring for you staying with me all day long.

-What?!

-Dad, we've got movies and junk food.

-Chris...

Are you telling me that he'd rather sit here with Martha watching Loose Women than work his way

-through these bad boys with me?

-No, I...

-There you go.

Right. I declare these games open.

OK.

Have fun.

Very interesting development.

-Come in.

-I've just come off the phone to Martin Spence.

-You haven't!

-I have.

-Who's Martin Spence?

-CEO of Fidelity Futures, the venture capital firm

-in pharma and technology.

-Oh. That Martin Spence.

-Yes.

I dropped him some bait about the blood pressure monitor at the ball.

And sure enough, he's come back sniffing,

but has suggested that we use VRS integrated into the motherboard.

-VRS stands for Voice Recognition Software.

-Thanks.

Martin thinks it'll vastly improve our user interface.

Well, I'm inclined to go with him on that.

Well, it's interesting.

Particularly when you consider the device runs on

a 16 megahertz processor. Did Martin have any idea

how we could minimise the number of cycles used

to filter in the audio signal?

Well, obviously, we didn't talk about that side of things.

-I mean, that's where you come in.

-Of course I do.

-I could do it in my lunch break, if you like?

-Could you do that?

-Oh, yeah. I've got a whole hour.

I tell you what, after I've fixed it,

I'll incorporate VRS onto the surgery mainframe, shall I?

You should have heard that comedian in the pub last night.

Mouth like a sewer. I mean, who wants to hear that?

I'm glad I stayed at home.

-We walked out.

-Good for you.

-You'd have done the same.

Two o'clock.

Oh, yeah.

Yep. I said to Brenda,

"If Rory and Jean had been here, they'd have done the same."

Ah, that new landlord wants his head checking.

I'm going to have a word with him tonight after the darts.

Oh! That reminds me.

We want to get there early doors to warm up.

-Can you make it by seven?

-Is it tonight?

Yeah, it's Monday. You know it is.

-Ah, Rory!

-I forgot.

Mate, I... I told you last week. It's the start of the league.

-I'm out of practice, anyway.

-Mate, you'd walk it with a blindfold.

I told you, I forgot. I've got to look after the grandkids.

-Well, Jean can do that.

-She can't. She's... She's ill.

-We need you.

-I can't!

Mate, you're not around any more.

Yeah, well, I've been busy.

Doing what?!

RORY GROANS

What's happened?

I'm fine.

What is it?

I'm fine. It's just indigestion.

Indigestion?

Yeah, it's nothing. I've got tablets.

-It's nothing serious.

-Could have fooled me.

Yeah, well, I told you. It's nothing.

I hope you're fixing that. It keeps crashing. It doesn't like me.

Two secs.

Done.

Thanks to your boss and mine, this machine is now VRS compliant.

-In English?

-Voice Recognition Software.

You just speak to the machine and it does what you say.

-Get out of here!

-Of course, the software isn't mainstream.

But you know Howard. He likes to stay ahead of the curve. Try it.

I am not talking to a computer.

One day very soon, Mrs Tembe, you'll have no choice.

This is the way of the future. Karen?

-What shall I say?

-Obviously, it's not going to work on

all your surgery applications.

But, say, for example, you wanted to play a little bit

of gentle background music for the patients. You just say...

-play music.

-No!

Go on. Try it.

-Play music.

-No, no, no. You're going to have to speak louder

otherwise it won't recognise the words. Show it who's boss.

Play music.

MUSIC PLAYS AND SHE GASPS

Oh, my days!

That is quite extraordinary.

The wonders of modern technology.

-How do I get it to stop?

-Just tell it to stop.

STOP NOW!

No, no, no.

They try and make the software as human as possible,

so you're better off saying "please".

Ah. That makes sense.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Stop now, please.

MUSIC STOPS

That's it. Just talk to it like it's a friend.

Oh. That is nice.

Thank you very much.

Ham?

Cheese?

Is there no way you can make the darts tonight?

I told you, Jean's ill.

I've got to look after the grandkids.

I'll come to the next game, I promise you.

OK. OK. It's just that you never used to...

It's against Tamworth Arrows. You'll walk it.

All right. All right.

Ohhh! What's that?!

What?

That thing on your skin?

Oh, that. It's... It's a rash. It's nothing.

-Doesn't look like nothing.

-It's from the tablets. It's fine.

-What? Indigestion tablets?

-Yeah.

I've never heard of indigestion tablets giving you a rash before.

You want to have a word with that doctor of yours.

Yeah, well, I'm seeing her later on. I will do.

Are you sure there isn't some little secret you're hiding?

No. What?

Using Jean's moisturiser.

Give you that Cliff Richard look.

What have I told you about that?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be it.

I'll go and get us some tea, shall I?

-What's that?

-No, no. It's... It's nothing.

Tea.

-If I give you the paperwork now, we can finalise it later...

-Howard, look at this!

Ah. Is this the VRS?

Yeah. You've got to talk to it. Tell it to do something.

Tell it to play music.

Why would I tell it to play music? This is a surgery.

-To soothe the patients.

-It's just a demonstration.

I haven't set up the surgery software yet.

OK.

Play music?

What's this?!

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy

-Who put this filth on the computer?

-Turn it off! We've got patients.

-Come on.

-You've got to talk to it!

Off. Off.

MUSIC STOPS

I'm so sorry about that, Howard.

I'll going to have to reconfigure the settings.

No, no. Very impressive. Just don't let it happen again.

I'll wait till you've reconfigured and I'll have a better look.

I can't believe it did that!

Um... We should tell it off.

That was inappropriate.

Play something nice, please.

It's sulking.

Could that be because I switched off the Wi-Fi

-and Al can't control it with his smartphone any more? What do you think, Al?

-What?!

-You....

Hey, hey, hey. No hitting. It's inappropriate.

Right. We're ain't having none of your world cinema nonsense today.

Terminator, Re-Animator II,

Rambo III, The Fast and the Furious IV

and Rocky V.

You all right, Dad?

-Yeah. Why?

-You look a bit pale.

-I feel fine.

-Let me just check your temperature.

Chris, I'm fine. I feel good.

OK? Um...

-Rambo III.

-Rambo III coming up.

Um, I tell you what, let me just quickly check your bag too

-as well before we start.

-Chris, you did it half-an-hour ago, mate.

I'll be quick. I'll be quick. Besides, if I change it now,

we ain't got to stop during the film, have we?

We wouldn't want to interrupt John Rambo just as he's about

to destroy the Russian Army. That would just be rude.

-Right. Is that OK?

-Uh-huh.

Is it uncomfortable?

No, son. I can't feel anything.

Sorry. I...

-Right. In we go.

-Now, can we please watch the film?

Yes. Let me just go and get the popcorn.

Mr Bishton?

I've got to go.

I'll look after your bag.

-No. It's all right.

-No, go on. It'll be safe with me.

I need it.

OK.

Right then. One Monster Munch sandwich coming up.

Dad?

All right, Mum? It's me. Listen, I'm really worried about dad.

His temperature's rising and his urine's really cloudy.

So we need to test it.

'If I can get a sample, will you pick it up and give it to Mandy, please?'

He seemed fine this morning.

Well, he's not now. So can you just come over?

-What's his temperature?

-'38.9.'

Well, has he said how he's feeling?

Look. Can you just trust me on this?

Please don't take a sample. He won't tell you this,

'but he finds it humiliating when you do that stuff. I'll get a dipstick'

and I'll bring one back tonight.

He's asleep now so I can just take it from his bag.

'Besides, I can't just leave everything.'

I've got an afternoon full of patients. It doesn't sound so serious

that it won't wait

'for a few hours. I'll have a look when I get back.'

So my professional judgment counts for nothing.

That's not what I'm saying.

-What are you saying then, Mum? That you care more about your patients than your husband?

-'No.'

Good. Then come over.

-I can't.

-'You're going to have to'

because I am not leaving him on his own like this.

Then you shouldn't have sent Martha home, should you?

'Or was that your professional judgement...'

It's the stupid things I worry about. I can't stand needles.

You know, it's OK to be frightened.

I know.

I just feel guilty for what I'm about to put my family through.

Of course. Have you got anyone outside the family you can talk to?

No.

What about the friend you came with?

Dave?! No way!

It's not an easy thing to tell people.

Yeah, well, people don't know how to react. They get embarrassed.

Sometimes you've just got to be brave and come out with it.

-It's not your responsibility if people can't handle it.

-I know.

All right. Well, listen, don't worry about the rash.

It's a common side effect of the hormone treatment.

If we go ahead with the op, you won't need to take them any more.

And for what it's worth, I think you're being really brave.

Which is more than I can say about myself.

Listen. I've had the time of my life.

And I owe it all to you.

Get out.

Dave?

Dave?

-You all set for your big night?

-What? Who told you?!

-Kevin.

-He couldn't be there to embarrass you himself, so he's asked all of us.

-I'll kill him.

Don't be daft. It'll be a right laugh.

Yeah, for you maybe.

Oh, get out of here. It's for charity!

-Besides, we're all coming.

-What?!

Oh, yes. I've got my ticket.

I can't believe it's my last day at Ashgate.

Aargh!

-There's no milk.

-Here.

Have this.

Isn't that for Heston?

Well, it doesn't appear he will be needing it.

But he will in his afternoon tea, won't he?

I do not know. I am not his keeper.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

Is everything all right between you two?

Yes, of course. Why shouldn't it be?

No reason. It's just... someone said at the ball...

Sorry I'm late. Bad case of piles.

Not mine, obviously.

It is of no consequence.

-Shall I pour?

-Please. Go ahead.

I think you will find that the tea has passed its optimum temperature.

Excuse me. Are you Rory's doctor?

-Sorry?

-Rory Bishton. Are you his doctor?

He came to see you just now. I was with him. I'm his mate.

Oh. Right. Yeah.

What did he say in his appointment?

I can't possibly discuss that with you.

I'm not going to tell anyone. I just need to know what's going on.

-Then you should speak to him yourself.

-I'm asking you.

Even if I could discuss a patient with you,

which I categorically cannot, do you honestly think I'm going

to do it whilst being accosted in a car park?

Look, sweetheart, I'm not some sort of nutter.

I'm not your sweetheart.

He's my best mate. I've known him since before you were in nappies.

Then, like I said, why don't you speak to him yourself?

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like you to get out of my way.

He's got a wife and kids, you know?

Yes, I do know that.

-Do they know about this?

-Yeah, they do.

What? That he's having the op?

Well, no.

What?! You're giving him a sex change and you haven't even told the wife and kids.

A what?!

A sex change. I know what's going on.

Look, just hang on a minute.

He's getting himself up in women's clothes as well, isn't he?

-I...

-Deny it then.

-What?

If... If he's not having the op, deny it!

I am not going to be drawn on discussing a patient.

There! You see. You can't deny it, can you?

I flamin' knew it.

-I don't... I can't believe this.

-Look, you need to speak to Rory.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got an appointment I need to get to.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, there you are!

I know what's going on.

-Who told you?

-The doctor.

-What?!

-It's all right. I'd worked it out.

I should have told you.

-You probably thought I'd say you were sick.

-I am sick.

I'm not a total caveman.

I'm your mate. I'm on your side.

-If you need to be a tranny, I'm all right with it.

-A what?!

-A...transgender.

-A transsexual?

I don't know the right word for it. Sex change.

What you talking...?! Get yourself inside here.

I worked it out. Make-up, wigs.

I heard the doctor talking about hormones and ops.

The wig is for a gig!

-Sex change!?

-Look, I...

-Sex change?! Bloody hell, Dave!

I'm sorry. You were just acting so weird.

I'm doing a charity gig. Doctors dueting with their patients.

It's just a bit of fun, you know, to raise awareness for...

prostate cancer.

I've got a growth.

Near me prostate.

It's cancer.

-Ah, you're joking?

-No.

That's what the hormones are for.

And if I don't respond, then it's the op.

What? When were this?

Few months back.

Few months back? Why didn't you say something?

-What difference would it have made?

-Well, I don't know. It's just...

Just what? I don't know how much time I've got.

Do you think I want to spend the time I do have left

with you and Brenda crying all over me? And playing darts?

I didn't realise? If you'd have told me...

Is it any wonder I didn't tell you?

Coming round here accusing me of having a sex change.

It's not my flamin' fault!

If you'd have told me, instead of behaving like a nutter...

What? So you could go ringing round all our mates? No, thank you.

Oh, thanks very much. Is that what you think about me?

Well, after today, I'm not so sure.

30 years of being a mate and that's what I get?

I'm obviously not much good to you, am I?

Have you got a cure for cancer?

No.

Then you're not much good to me, are you?

Dad?

Dad?

What? What?

You fell asleep.

Oh.

Oh, um, did I?

What did I miss?

Um, Rambo just gave up Buddhism.

Oh! Oh, no. I love that bit. That's hysterical.

-Well, rewind it.

-Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah. I just didn't sleep very well last night, you know.

-Do you want me to open a window? You look a bit...

-No, no. I'm fine now.

-Are you sure?

-Chris...

if I wasn't well, I'd tell you.

You mustn't fuss as much.

Now, has he, um, joined the Mujahideen yet, or not?

No, not yet.

Great. Press play.

Ready for you, Rory.

Right.

-Knock, knock.

-Yep.

-You all right in there?

-Yep.

You coming out, then?

Yeah.

-You know we've not got long?

-Here.

I'll just wait outside, then, shall I?

You nervous?

Me too.

# Now I've had the time of my life

# No, I never felt like this before

# Yes, I swear

# It's the truth

# And I owe it all to you

# I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you... #

You took your time.

# So I tell you something

# This must be love

# Because I've had

# The time of my life

# No, I've felt like this before

# I swear it's the truth

# And I owe it all to you... #

CHEERING

-I'll see you later.

-OK.

-Thanks.

-Hey, Dave. Dave!

-Sorry. I'm off.

-I've changed my shift, so you won't have to see me tomorrow.

-Look...

about earlier... my head's all over the place.

-I'm sorry.

-Right.

I should have told you.

-I just wanted to help.

-I know...

and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that thing about you and Brenda.

Forget it.

You're a proper mate.

Eh, that was something else.

Yeah? When they first asked me to do it, I thought, get over.

But then I thought, why not?

There's so many things in my life I want to do.

And now I'm just doing them.

It's great.

That's why you haven't been seeing me so much.

-Mate, I'm so sorry.

-Come on.

I'm going to fight this.

Don't get all...lovey-dovey over me.

Look, if there's anything...

you just tell me, all right?

-If you want me to go to the hospital with you...

-I'm all right.

..just tell me, all right?

I've had a word with Big Tony about reducing your shifts.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-What?

-I don't want that.

-We're going to look after you, me and the lads.

-This is it!

-What?

-This is why I never told anybody.

-It's just helping.

-I know. I don't want help. I don't want anything.

-But I...

-I just want things as they are.

-Rory!

This is the only way that I am going to handle this, OK?

OK.

Rory! Give us a hug.

Two in one day!

You were brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Well done.

-You were pretty good yourself.

-Never again.

I'm sorry, Miss, about earlier.

I was out of order. I didn't know.

Forget it. How are you feeling?

Brilliant. And in need of a pint.

Let me get you a drink. Well done again.

Are you coming, then?

Now do you believe me?

All right, yes. But he says he's feeling better now.

Because he doesn't want to be a burden.

We need to get him to hospital.

Look, I'll give him some antibiotics and we'll keep an eye on him. There's no need to go overboard.

His temperature has been rising all day.

Mum, you know as well as anyone that, in his condition, an infection can be fatal.

I don't understand what's wrong with you, why it's so impossible for you to take my concerns seriously.

What do you want me to do? Force him to go into an ambulance?

Yeah, I'd prefer that than regret having missed something.

-If this is what you're like with your patients...

-Pardon?

-Nothing.

If this is what I'm like with my patients, what? What?!

It's just that you're a bit inexperienced.

You always throw that back at me.

-I'm inexperienced. I'm just a nurse.

-I didn't say that.

-I know you're worried about your dad.

-And you're clearly not.

Oh, grow up, Chris.

Maybe if you just stopped being my wet nurse for five minutes,

give me a chance to get some rest and let the things work.

-But...

-Your mum says I'm fine.

Sid Govey?

Yes, yes. You saw Mrs Govey this morning.

No. Absolutely not. I've seen her once today. That's more than enough.

-I only wanted...

-What?! What do you want?!

Whatever it is, the answer's no.

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