The Were-Witch Project Doctors

MUSIC: "She's Funny That Way" by Frank Sinatra

# I'm not much to look at

# Nothing to see

< Sid?

# Just glad I'm living

# Happy to be

# I got a woman... #

-Morning.

-Mmm.

Ready to face the day?

Really slept last night. Must have needed it.

-What?

-I checked the calendar.

-In the kitchen.

-Mmm?

Nearly spring, soon be lighter mornings.

Oh! I didn't want to say anything before, but...

-Second month in a row.

-Really?

I think what with Christmas and everything, I didn't notice.

-But I think this might be it.

-Are you sure?

Well, how can you be certain?

I can't. Thought I'd go to the surgery, see what they think.

But I feel fine.

Serious! Violently happy.

In fact...

Are you going to work, or...?

What? Now?

No need to look so shocked! We ARE married!

-On a weekday morning?

-SHE GIGGLES

Well, if this is the shape of things to...

Mmmm.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

-That looks nice.

-Right, I'm off. I'll see you tonight.

-Have a good day.

-Bye, Chris.

-Yeah.

That wasn't very nice.

-Did you sleep all right last night?

-Better than the night before.

-Good.

That means the antibiotics are working.

Right - get that down you, then I'll come back and give you a shave.

HE SIGHS

Aren't you moving back to civilisation tonight?

Yep. I can't believe it's my last afternoon there.

I've grown really fond of them all. Even the pigs.

You'll never be able to look a bacon sandwich in the eye again.

-Oi, vegetarian here!

-All greasy and smothered in brown sauce

-after a night on the lash.

-Get out, evil temptress!

-Did someone say bacon sandwiches?

-Couldn't you just...?!

-What's the occasion?

-It's Mandy's last day in the country.

She's got to say goodbye to her surrogate family.

-By working out how she could eat them?

-THEY LAUGH

Doesn't feel like you've been there five minutes!

Has country life suited you?

-Mostly, yeah.

-I used to love the country when I was a kid.

-Really?

Mmm. Believe it or not, I watch Countryfile.

Even if it just is for that little Matt Baker.

-Couldn't you just pinch those cheeks?!

-THEY LAUGH

I'm going up there lunchtime. If you want me to give you the guided tour,

you could tag along?

-I can't promise any lusty farmhands, mind.

-Well, it's sweet of you,

-but...

-Sorry - you're probably busy.

You know what, I will, thanks.

-I was hoping to see a woman GP.

-Female stuff, is it?

I'll get the nurse to chaperone.

-I don't need an examination. I don't think so, anyway.

-Right?

If you can self-diagnose as well, I'll go and get myself a cup of tea.

I want to know if there's any conclusive test you can do

to tell if I've started the menopause or not.

-No.

-Nothing at all?

Have you noticed any difference in your periods?

Are they lighter, heavier? Is the timing off?

-I've not had one at all the last couple of months.

-OK.

Observation over the next 12 months is par for the course.

Or I could send you to see the wise woman in the woods?

I thought I read there's a blood test you can do...

Yeah. It measures the level of follicle stimulating hormone.

That's part of the observations but it's not conclusive.

-Oh.

-And before you ask, we do not hand out HRT patches willy-nilly.

Good, because I don't want them.

-I'm happy to arrive at this point in my life.

-Good for you.

Yes, it is! Definitely not something I want to resist,

-or ward off with patches and pills.

-Not even the soya and linseed bread?

Most women want that available on prescription.

You can shove it in your toaster as far as I'm concerned.

For the last thirty-odd years I've been a slave to the worst PMT.

That is a long...period. No offence.

And none taken - although the old me

would have ripped your head off for saying that.

The menopause is a blissful release

from turning into a raging monster every 28 days.

-Really? That bad?

-Like you wouldn't believe.

You should've seen the change in my husband when I told him, well,

about MY change.

Excuse me?

I was wondering, do you offer bulk discount?

And can you deliver?

Is it true the menopause can last

between seven to ten years on average?

I'd dispute the word average.

And all the other stuff I've been warned about?

Should I expect all that?

Hair thinning, possible heart palpitations, osteoporosis,

irritability and mood swings.

So you are not out of the woods on that front.

Is that really your experience of it?

Hardly something I'm going to experience.

-You'd be really unlucky to get all those things.

-What about back pain?

Tiredness? Peeing more than usual? Weight gain?

-You experiencing all of those?

-Mmm.

-You should have said.

-We'd better check for one or two other things.

-Like?

Diabetes, for a start.

We'll take blood and urine samples while you're here.

What about...increased libido?

I'd have thought it would have DECREASED if anything,

-but not necessarily.

-Really?

That's why women want HRT - to put the snap back in their celery.

It does mean that you'll want to introduce hanging for random

parking offences every four weeks, but that's the trade-off!

-Blood pressure's pretty high.

-I wonder why.

Let's get you through to the nurse.

OK. Six down, the cylinder's jammed, five and four.

-I haven't got a clue about machines.

-It's cryptic.

-You're good at those. Get thinking.

-Let's come back to it later.

-Are you all right? You're running a temperature.

-I'm fine.

The antibiotics should be clearing this by now.

Chris, I've been taking them for less than a day.

You've been asleep most of the time. Are you sure you're feeling better?

-I just said.

-Dad, your symptoms are regressing.

-This really isn't normal.

-Really, Chris?

Well, tell me what is normal about my life these days?

Maybe if you just stopped being my wet nurse for five minutes,

give me a chance to get some rest and let the things work.

-But...

-Your mum says I'm fine! All right?

You'd think a doctor would be a bit more sensitive.

My reasons for bothering him

weren't challenging enough - it was only "women's downstairs problems".

The old me might have walloped him one

if he'd caught me at the right moment.

You really think things are changing?

I feel different - not just mentally. It's hard to explain.

-No more monthly horror films.

-That's funny.

-Hardly!

No, it's...and I'm really sorry about this, Mum,

-but when I was a teenager and you got...

-Pre-menstrual?

-It's OK, you can say it.

-Well, when you really lost it,

I used to call you the were-witch to my friends.

-You know, like the horror film.

-I think that's quite inventive.

I'm really sorry. You didn't deserve it.

Sounds like an accurate description to me.

You completely traumatised Carly.

Carly! Yes. You were inseparable at one point - sleepovers,

-Girl Guides. What happened to her?

-She met the were-witch.

-Oh.

You thought Dad hadn't tidied the garden quick enough,

-so you got a spade...

-And dug up all the plants and dropped them

-on him while he was watching the football.

-Yep.

That's why her mum started blanking me at the bus stop! Oh, love,

I'm sorry.

All I can say is imagine what it was like BEING the were-witch,

-knowing it was going to happen.

-Walk a mile in your slingbacks?

You'd have to find them. I think the last pair I owned,

-I launched at your dad.

-It's all over now, Mum.

MUSIC: "Cheek To Cheek" by Frank Sinatra

# Heaven, I'm in heaven

# And the cares that hung around me through the week

# Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak

# When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek. #

-I wish I could have been more help.

-What with? The were-witch?

I could have been more sympathetic,

-instead of moving out, first chance I got.

-Anyway, getting out

when you did meant you getting an early start on your independence.

That lovely flat in the centre of town.

Actually, I'm not there any more.

-What? Since when?

-The weekend. They upped the rent.

-And my hours got cut back at work as well, so...

-Where are you?

Linda's letting me crash on her sofa for now.

Why didn't you say anything? You know you're always welcome at home!

Your room's almost as you left it.

-You're not disappointed in me, are you?

-Don't be silly - anyway,

-there's nothing stopping you coming home now, is there?

-Oh, Mum!

It's all come out right, see?

Ooh, I need the ladies' again.

-Actually, do you mind if we call it a day?

-Are you all right?

I feel a bit dizzy.

One of the symptoms Dr Do-Bog-All mentioned.

Come on - let's get you home.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Oh, my...!

Oh, arrrgh! Urgh!

THEY LAUGH, HE GROANS

Put it away, Dad! You sure you want me to move back?

-I mean, if this is what you get up to!

-Bren!

-Oh, come out of there,

you daft...go fetch him his dressing gown or something!

-I can't move!

-What are you like?

-Come out from there - Fran's not here.

-It's my back.

I can't feel my leg! Ooh!

Ah! That'll be the smallholding, then.

-You said you wanted rural.

-It's strange, we haven't been

driving that long and yet it feels like we're somewhere really remote.

That's one of the things I like the most about this place.

It's so peaceful. Mind you, remote really does mean cut off.

Check your phone.

-Ah.

-You can sometimes get a couple of bars, if you're lucky.

Probably depends on where you're standing.

-Actually, it depends more on where the chickens are standing.

-THEY LAUGH

Goodbye.

-Dr Haskey.

-Whatever it is, I'm at lunch.

-One of our patients has had a fall.

-Call an ambulance.

That was my recommendation to his wife.

She said it is not serious, but he is incapacitated.

She described him as "a daft great lump, but not a hypochondriac".

-Sid Govey?

-Yes, you saw Mrs Govey this morning.

-No, absolutely not.

-I've seen her once today and that's more than enough.

-Why?

She seemed very nice.

She's nice enough, but she won't be when she gets her test results back.

-Do you have them?

-Yeah.

-There you go. You can kill two birds.

I'm not the one who'll be doing the killing.

Send Jimmi! No-one would shout at Jimmi!

It'd be like making Bambi cry.

-Why would she shout?

-It's not the result she's hoping for.

That's hardly your fault. And Dr Clay is not available.

Then send one of the womenfolk - I think she'd prefer that.

If you take the results to her, you can walk away.

But if she has to come here for them, you are trapped.

Mmmm.

Or if she does come back here and then she sees someone else,

-I don't have to deal with her at all!

-Very well.

I will telephone Mr Bellamy at the Mill and ask him who is free,

because you have decided you are far too busy to make house calls.

How are you getting on with that crossword?

Dad? Dad?

-I'd only just dropped off, mate.

-How are you feeling?

(WEAKLY) Do you have to keep asking that every five minutes?

-Mum, call me soon as you get this.

-Don't bother your mum at work.

-Ambulance, please.

-No.

Dad, these antibiotics are not working. You're going to hospital.

I just need some sleep.

-Ooh!

-There?

-HE WINCES

Right, there's some bruising and you've slipped a disc,

which is pressing on your sciatic nerve.

-Has someone died?

-Not yet. Give me five minutes.

-Is it serious?

-Yes!

More of an inconvenience. Take some painkillers

and a couple of days' rest, and it will right itself.

That'll teach you to play silly beggars in the nude.

Too much information. Can you give me a hand getting him upstairs?

-Come on, Dad.

-It's OK, we can manage.

-Why can't I help?

What is it? You've had my test results, haven't you?

-What do they say?

-One patient at a time.

I knew something didn't feel right. It's serious, isn't it? Tell me!

-Well, confidentiality...

-Oh, blow that! Just tell me!

You're pregnant.

SHE SCREAMS

Karen, it's Chris. I'm trying to get through to Mum

but she's not answering her mobile.

She's still at lunch - are you OK? You sound a bit stressed.

I'm at St Phil's. I've had to get Dad here quick, he's in a bad way.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Look - leave it with me.

You go with your dad and I'll try and track her down.

-Thank you, Karen. Cheers.

-Is there anything else I can do?

Yeah, will you just tell her to get here as quick as she can, please.

Jas, have you seen Emma?

She's having lunch with Mandy, she wanted to see the house.

Oh, right.

-Thank you, that was lovely.

-Glad you enjoyed it.

-So, are you all packed?

-Almost. Back to the real world.

I can't help thinking that going back to Freya's

-is going to be a permanent option?

-I'm not sure it ever was.

Why don't you find somewhere more rural? Make it your own,

if you've enjoyed being here so much.

It has been nice, but I'm not sure that's a long-term deal either.

I can see the attraction.

-Change the pace of life. Sam and I thought about it.

-Yeah?

Mmm. I keep thinking we should have just done it when Chris was little.

No over-thinking the pros and cons, just done it.

Do you think Chris would have been OK with that?

No, schools were always the fly in the ointment.

We could have sent him away, but Sam didn't like the idea.

Mmm. You've not got that problem now.

-No...

-Oh! Sorry! You've got a whole new set of problems

-to consider now.

-No, it's fine. Really.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh! You got a signal! The chickens must be restless.

THEY LAUGH

Hi, Karen!

What?

OK, I'm on my way.

I can't believe it! There's no doubt?

You can pee on a stick if you won't take my word for it,

but you'll get the same answer.

-But a baby! At my age!

-That's the way it goes sometimes.

It's your body having one more shout before last orders are called.

-Last orders? It was meant to be a new beginning!

-That'll still come.

Only not yet.

-A baby could be good news, though. Couldn't it?

-Good news?

-Mum...

-If I'm still fertile, it means I'm still hormonal.

I woke up this morning and though I'd left all that behind.

-You do have options.

-Options?

The only choice I want right now is five minutes with Mother Nature,

so I can wring her scrawny neck for what she's done.

This cruel joke I've had to put up with.

-Brenda!

-We were supposed to be planning round-the-world cruises

and downsizing - freeing up our lives,

but, oh, no! Calm down! That's what you were going to say, wasn't it?

-Calm down? Don't lie, because I can tell.

-Don't shoot the messenger.

-Bren!

-You have no idea, STUPID MAN,

what it's like to feel you're not in control of your own body,

how you're a slave to mood swings,

and cramps and all the other wonderful feelings.

-Tell him what you called me.

-I was a kid!

-Tell him!

-The were-witch.

-As in the film.

-"The Were-witch Project"! That's pretty funny.

-I'd go if I were you.

-Brenda? Can you hear me?

-I'M COMING!

Don't you go anywhere! I'm not done with you.

What? Are you still in pain? Need your pillow plumping up,

your nose blown? Your bottom wiped?

-No.

-I suppose you think it'll be good practice for

when I push this one out, having to wait on you hand and foot?

-I only wanted...

-WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Whatever it is, the answer's no.

I wanted to say this baby doesn't have to mean

-the end of the world for us. Don't hit me.

-Hit you?

I don't want to be anywhere near you!

Look what happened the last time you got too close.

What do you know, lying there, useless.

Urgh!

Do you remember what you were like carrying Fran?

Think about it.

I was as big as a house. Fat ankles.

Your mother grinning like the cat that got the cream, telling me,

"It'll be worse before it gets better, Brenda!"

Spiteful old...she never liked me.

I've never seen you happier. You ate ice cream all the time. Remember?

I saw how happy you were this morning.

When I told you what I thought was going on. No more PMT.

I was happy for you. I know how miserable it makes you.

There have been times when... All the years you've put up with this.

-Have you never thought about leaving?

-No.

-Why not?

-Why do you think?

-Well, maybe I should! Spare us all the grief!

-Bren! Don't do this!

-You've always been the best mum

-in spite of...

-What? Being a cow?

-Scaring off your friends?

-In spite of everything!

-Is this really such a bad thing?

-It's what it implies.

My body, doing whatever it wants again! Look at me!

-I'll see myself out!

-I told you to wait!

SHE SIGHS

Why should you have to put up with any of this?

You'll both leave me anyway, so maybe it's easier if I go.

You must have felt really sick.

It wasn't registering.

What's that supposed to mean?

-Hey. "Swiss roll".

-What?

The crossword.

Six down, five and four, "the cylinder is jammed".

The answer is Swiss roll. It's cryptic. I told you.

-Why were you hiding your symptoms?

-No more questions, Chris. I'm tired.

You could have died. Or did that not register either?

I'll have to go through tests, won't I? Being a decrepit mum.

There's a support system in place for mothers over 40.

Support system?

What does that involve? A man on standby with a tranquiliser gun,

in case I go rogue at the antenatal clinic?

We can train your husband to do that once he's back on his feet.

-Oh, ha, ha!

-Not that he'd ever pull the trigger, though, -

he clearly loves you.

What would you know?

He must do! Look at what he has to put up with! I can tell you,

if I was married to you...

phew, I'd have been out the door, first opportunity I got.

-And I'd hold it open for you.

-I'm serious. But Sid?

He needs a medal, or his head examining,

which incidentally, I can arrange.

-I think you should go.

-You're a lucky woman.

You're not going to do better than him.

When you've decided what to do, make an appointment at the practice

and we'll set things in motion.

-It won't be with you.

-Too right, it won't.

I'm going to refer you to Dr Jimmi Clay!

He's excellent at maternity cases.

Bye, ladies, it's been fun.

Mind how you go.

Look out for foxes!

Especially you, Marjorie.

I know how you like to go in there like Rambo,

but that old fox'll make a feather boa out of you.

And now I'm talking to the chickens like they're actually listening!

Time to go.

MUSIC: "You Make Me Feel So Young" by Frank Sinatra

This wasn't how today was meant to be!

That's life, isn't it? That thing that happens to us

while we're busy making plans.

And...you're going to stay?

So... We're going to be parents again?

Why not? You did a great job with me.

And I'm moving in, so...

No, love, it's all changed now.

-Think of yourself - I'll lend you some money.

-I want to stay.

-Why?

-I'm going to be a big sister.

-Know what?

If it's a boy, let's call him Frank.

Well, for keeping us feeling so young.

And if it's a girl?

-Joy.

-You big, soft...

-No - don't make the bed shake.

You're right - that's what started all this!

-Too much information, Mum!

-But you are happy, aren't you?

I think what I am...

is lucky.

What did he say?

They'll continue with the fluids and antibiotics,

and run regular blood and urine tests throughout the night.

-That's it?

-No, there is a chance he could deteriorate quite fast.

-I think we should stay here tonight.

-Worst case?

I'm going to go home and get some things, do you want anything?

-What's the worst case?

-We shouldn't be thinking like that.

It's how I've been thinking for days.

Mum, what's the worst thing that could happen?

If the antibiotics don't work,

his organs will start shutting down.

Right.

And you wouldn't believe me.

This isn't the time to start pointing the finger.

We need to be there for him.

I've been there the whole time.

Where were you?

Oh, that's right - not paying attention to what I was saying.

I made a judgement call based on the facts that I had to go on,

like I would with anyone else!

He must have felt really sick, why didn't he say anything?

He's been playing down his symptoms.

-Then how could we have known?

-I did know. And you didn't listen.

I wanted him here yesterday, Mum, but no,

you're the big shot doctor,

so you know what, if he dies, it's your fault.

-You revolting little man!

-I'm so sorry!

-Help!

-What would you know?

-About caring for others?

Is that what you really want?

-To be banged up with a bunch of perverts?

-No!

Then you'd better start talking!

Just leave it!

MONITOR EMITS STEADY BEEP

-I'll get someone!

-Sam?

Darling, I'm here. I'm here, Sam, hang on!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd