A Night Like This Doctors

# Say goodbye on a night like this

# If it's the last thing we ever do

# You've never looked as lost as this

# Sometimes it doesn't even look like you

# It goes dark... #

Oi, what's happened?

I'm talking to you! Come here!

Oi!

Come here!

-You just wait there!

-Leave me, get off.

-Stay right where you are!

-Please...!

MAN PANTS AND GASPS

Yeah, get me the police.

Yeah, and an ambulance as well.

-Just to say, I'm going out, so I'll see you later.

-Not so fast.

-Firstly, where are you going? And secondly, can I come?

-Nowhere special. And no, you can't.

You know I'm not going to hit on your mates. Again.

There's no mates. Just me.

You know what this sounds like, don't you? A date.

-It's not a date.

-Who is he then?

-Are you even listening?

It's not the repair guy that got his tie stuck in the copier

cos he was giving you the eye?

He was looking at you. And no, it's not.

All right. No. If you must know, it's not a date.

It's just me going to the pub on my own.

Slightly weird. So, why can't I come?

The "on my own" thing wouldn't really work then, would it?

It's something I want to do.

Don't worry, I won't talk to any strange men.

-And I'll be back in time for cocoa.

-It sounds weird...

-Night, you two.

-Night.

-See you.

And I suppose you're doing another speaking thingamajig tonight?

Not unless some coppers need entertaining. I'm at the station.

Coppers always need entertaining.

-Night.

-See you.

-What? Weren't you supposed to be getting the chops?

We're not having chops. I'm taking you out.

Is that your way of saying you've forgotten the chops?

Honestly, I give you one job...!

What did we say we'd always want to do as soon as the kids left home?

Rent their rooms out?

"I wish we could just take off for a dirty weekend".

Who's that? Kenneth Williams?

-How many times did you say that to me?

-Not in that voice!

-Well, your wish has come true.

-We're going away?

-And I've even packed your case.

Oh, Rob, I bet it's full of lacy underwear and no proper clothes.

And I've reserved the hotel.

-Another "internet beauty" with no roof?

-Not this time.

And I've even booked you a day off work.

-He phoned Howard this afternoon.

-All you have to do is relax.

And then you'll be on top form for your HCA training on Monday.

-Well?

-Don't think this guarantees you any action...

Don't be such a grump! I'd love it if someone did that for me.

Thank you.

Well, I'll just have to TRY and enjoy myself.

That's the closest we'll get to Karen admitting it's a good idea.

Enjoy!

His name is Riley Cowan. He's fairly well known to us,

but it's all been minor stuff shoplifting, affray, joyriding.

I know him.

Not surprised, he's been in here that many times

we thought of erecting a blue plaque.

-No, he's one of my patients at the Mill.

-Then you'll know what's wrong with him.

When Uniform picked him up, he had breathing problems, but they seem to have settled.

I need to get this sorted pronto. Tonnes of stuff to get through.

Oh, and if he mentions his car, can you let me know?

-His car?

-It's a hit-and-run with a victim,

possible driver and car keys, but no car.

-I thought you was all right. Didn't know you worked for the dark side.

-I'm not a policeman.

This is all rubbish. They've got the wrong guy, Dr Clay. You got to tell them, yeah?

I was running along the lane and I found her.

-End of.

-Holding your car keys?

-There's no law against it.

You taken your inhaler?

You're just like them.

You think I stashed the motor and then ran back to check on her.

I think it's best if you tell them everything you know.

I can't believe you, of all people, think...

How is she? The woman. She all right?

She's in intensive care.

And, as far as Cooper's concerned, he's got his man, hasn't he?

This must have cost a fortune.

Nothing but the best. But we may have to hold back on the food front.

I'd have made sandwiches for this!

Hello. Is it true you've got one of those infinity pools?

What business is it of yours?

What a lovely warm welcome(!)

I don't think she works here. You don't work here, do you, love?

I don't think the staff here

could afford a suit like this, do you? Love?

-It's all going very well.

-Let's not get involved.

I'm not involved. If I was involved, her name tag would be somewhere

the sun don't shine.

Calm thoughts. I hope you've packed me something nice to wear.

Relax, you'll be wearing underwear and a smile most of the time.

Not you.

Right.

Reservation for Hollins, please.

Is it true that you've got one of those infinity pools?

White wine spritzer, please.

MUSIC: "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

Thanks.

SHE SIGHS

It was just a shock to be honest.

I was on my way home, thinking about invoicing clients...

I'm a carpet fitter. I came round the bend

and there's this lad standing over a girl in the middle of the road.

-So you got out?

-Yeah. And I ran over to him, and he bolted.

I just knew I had to stop him from scarpering.

Did you see any sign of another car, Mr Morris?

No, there was nothing in the lane.

He was out of breath, like he'd run from somewhere.

Maybe he'd parked it somewhere else?

-Did he say anything about where he'd been?

-No.

-And he was holding the keys in his hand?

-That's right.

Was there anyone with the suspect?

Not that I saw, no.

Did I do the right thing?

She probably thought you were being nosey, I don't know.

Don't take her side!

Why would I ask her if she's got a swimming pool at home?

OK, maybe she just took a dislike to us. Can't we let it go?

You're right. I'm not going to let her spoil this evening.

Let's check your packing.

You're doing the worried face. Don't do the worried face!

Actually, it's not that bad. Only one pair of sexy underwear.

My book. Toilet bag.

Ohh! My favourite dress.

Eye mask.

In case the room's not dark enough.

-Ear plugs.

-In case the air con's too loud.

-Or in case there's some snoring...

-Cheeky!

Not that you'll get much of a chance of sleep, Hollins.

I'll be back in two minutes to check you're up to the job.

Karen, that's the corridor!

SHE LAUGHS

The effect you have on me!

I'll be back in two minutes. Don't fall asleep.

-IN DEEP VOICE:

-"You know what? I'm sick of selling advertising.

"I think I'll join a monastery."

"Oh, good call. Can I have your sports car. And your wife?

"Well, I won't be needing them at the monastery.

"Take the mistress too if you like."

SHE GIGGLES

"A flagon of your finest!"

"Thank you."

Al?

Al! Over here!

What are you doing here?

Four new guest ales on. I'm not interrupting, am I?

Nope. I've just finished with the cast of TOWIE.

SHE PATS THE SEAT

Yeah.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in!

Well? Riley Cowan. Is he ready for interview?

-Yeah. He's in his cell.

-Thanks for telling me(!)

I did leave a message with the Custody Sergeant.

I could have got this finished ages ago.

You still think he did it?

He doesn't have a licence or insurance.

So that could be the reason why he's hiding the fact he was driving a car.

Or it could be because he mowed down Janine Kennedy.

There is one other thing. Might have a bearing.

12 years ago, Riley Cowan's mum was knocked over,

killed in a hit-and-run. They never found the driver.

The thing is, you are never alone with one of these.

Order something with a name like Fenton's Straight Finger

and other real-ale aficionados will congregate around you

-like antibodies around a flu virus.

-What a lovely image.

Don't knock it. I have met some incredible people thanks to beer.

There was David who used to work in the car park at NASA.

Parking the Luna landers?

Then there was Carl who could identify

80 different types of tractor just by listening to the engine sounds.

-Ooh.

-And then there was Sam who was allergic to his wife.

I'll remember the tip next time I want to meet some strange men.

Hmm. Unfortunately,

the way of the ale does tends to attract the Y-chromosome.

It's not often I get to hang out with a glamorous young lady.

Why, thank you, sir.

I suppose I could've talk to THEM,

but who wants to speak to a couple of complete...

Oh, Tony and Ike? They're awesome!

Chaps, skal!

Right. Hemingway's Draft Dodger or Old Moxington Splunge?

-Subtitles?

-I'm getting the beers.

-Were you driving?

-Who said I was driving?

For the benefit of the tape,

I am showing Mr Cowan a set of car keys, exhibit TC-10.

Are these your keys?

Found 'em. Was going to bring them to the police station.

Of course you were. They're keys for a Volkswagen.

-You tell me.

-Now, according to the DVLA, you don't own a Volkswagen.

Like I said. Found 'em. Can I go now?

According to your uncle, Frank Beddows, he's got a Golf, hasn't he?

Now, I wonder whether the officers I've sent round are going to find

Mr Beddows missing his car and its keys?

-What do you think?

-No comment.

-Did he let you borrow it?

-I didn't do no borrowing.

You've got no driving licence and no insurance.

If that's why you're not telling us where the car is, we already know.

-Don't know what you mean.

-What happened? Were you driving too fast?

Did you come round the bend and didn't see her?

Did the guilt kick in and you had to go back and check?

This is rubbish.

Well, right now I've got officers searching for Mr Beddows' car.

A hit-and-run is a serious crime, Mr Cowan.

-RILEY GASPS

-Given your family history,

you'd know that, wouldn't you?

HE GASPS

Tell us where the car is.

No!

Interview suspended at 21.27, for medical intervention.

-Where shall we sit?

-Oh, sorry...

Sorry we're late, we didn't realise the time.

-Don't know where it went.

-I do!

Thanks a lot! Lovely.

Great, thanks.

Remember what we said.

You won't hear a peep out of me.

You can tell it's dead classy cos there's no pictures on the menu.

It's not a kebab van. I know what you're doing.

What? I'm just enjoying myself.

In that case then, we should start with a bottle of white wine.

-Are you sure?

-And you can order whatever you want as long as it's from the set menu.

THEY LAUGH

What is it with you? Can't you just leave it?

What is it with her?

-You'd think I'd just sat on her plate and done a big...

-Karen!

Well...

Sorry. Full attention.

Good.

We should do this more often.

-Oh...

-Whoa, hold your horses!

What do I have to put on a chunky-knit jumper first?

First step is to look at the beer.

Yes. It's definitely beer.

Now, it's not a wheat ale, so it shouldn't be cloudy.

Which this isn't. Check.

And it's got a nice small head. Check again.

Now, the next step is to sniff the beer.

Come on. Really get your nose in there.

THEY INHALE

Mmm. Now...

We bring it to our lips.

Just let it roll over your tongue.

-Hmm?

-Swallow.

Let it roll over the tongue.

Really savour that aftertaste.

Mmm... Beery.

Malty.

SHE LAUGHS

Now, I'll be able to join in when Heston's banging on about his wine-tasting.

Heston knows a thing or two about ale. He's got an excellent palate.

Remember I took him on that festive ale trail?

Here's one. If Heston was a cocktail, what would he be?

No, no, Howard.

Um, Howard...a Stuff Shirt served chilled over ice?

Your turn. Karen?

A dart board!

That's a bit mean. Oh! Say what you see, Jas!

No, I used to play. Come on!

Better. How you feeling?

Have you heard how the girl is?

Yeah. She's still in intensive care.

I didn't knock her down.

The problem is, you're not telling the police anything,

which isn't helping them find out who did it.

Which in turn means that they are focussing on you,

and if this turns into a murder investigation, then...

It's not my job to interview you, but if they're already searching

for your uncle's car, then you might as well speak to the police.

-My uncle's going to kill me.

-Because when they find the car,

Forensics will be able to tell if it was involved.

-It's not that easy.

-They won't let you go until they find the car.

This is such a mess. Why did she have to be there? Why was it tonight? And me? Oh, man...

The longer you stonewall the police, the more her family have to go through, wondering...

And you know exactly what that feels like, don't you?

I bet you're glad I didn't turn up with some chops.

Wa-hey!

-Did you see that?

-No.

-You did. She shook her head.

What did we say about letting things go? Another bottle of wine, please!

Good distraction work, Hollins!

Come here. Do you know what I'd like to do?

Has someone put something in your tea?

Not that. That as well.

I'd like to go on a mini-break to Prague.

Prague? You don't know where that is.

Or Madrid? Anywhere, it doesn't matter. Just me and you.

We can go somewhere on a Friday night,

come back on a Monday morning.

You'll be buying a camper van next.

The truth is, we've got a new beginning.

-You rang?

-I said I'd talk to Dr Clay, not you.

-No. It doesn't work like that.

-Then I'm not saying nothing.

I can arrange with Dr Clay,

if he agrees to sit in on the interview.

Take Mr Cowan to the interview room and get his brief.

Tell him we'll be along in a minute. Can I have a word?

I want your opinion.

Psychologically, if he's been through this as a child,

-wouldn't he want to help us? Tell us he did it?

-Maybe.

But if he knocked her over, he could be in shock,

-refusing to believe what's happened.

-Let's see what he's got to say.

No, we're DINKYs.

DINKYs? What's a DINKY?

Double Income No Kids Yet. We haven't got any kids.

-I thought we had two.

-Not anymore. We've got two incomes.

Hooray, We're DINKYs!

And you are a DINKY with a winky!

Could you please just keep it down?

This is a private conversation.

-There's nothing private at that volume.

-It's not a flaming library!

Whoa! Everybody calm down?

I appreciate that some people will be making noise,

but when you use cutlery it's like a sword fight!

And when you had soup it was like a vacuum cleaner in a swamp.

-That's it!

-Sit down, love.

-There's no need to come over. Your voice carries.

I didn't come here for a vow of silence and non-enjoyment.

I came here to have a good time. You should try it.

-You should call the police.

-Funny you should say that.

Time to go. We'll finish this in our room.

I really hope you're not messing me about, Mr Cowan.

That's where you'll find the car, man.

So, are you going to tell me what happened?

I was running down the lane and I found her lying there.

I didn't knock no-one down.

And we've been down this road before, haven't we?

It's true. The car will back it up. There's no damage to it.

I was running cos I was late for a meeting.

The plan was to take this guy back to the car and do a deal.

Why not drive to the meeting?

I wasn't selling teddy bears! I've got to check the guy out first.

So what was in the car?

Just stolen gear.

Portrait of a lady.

Dr Jas Khella who took the fork in the road marked medicine,

ignoring the bright lights of professional darts.

She has kept her passion for throwing sharp things

at a numbered cork board a secret.

Until tonight.

Because tonight, Dr Jas Khella's secret will be revealed

in a small corner of the Arbury Arms.

If you're trying to put me off...

It hasn't worked.

Incredible.

That was a lovely evening.

Don't tell me you're going to call it a night already?

Sorry, love, I think I wore meself out earlier.

Should have seen her face when you stood up...

When you were standing up there...

What have I done here?

You never see George Clooney doing this...

Oh!

Karen?

Karen, are you asleep? SHE SNORES

Forensics have examined Cowan's car.

There's no indication it was involved in hitting Janine Kennedy.

He's out of the frame and I'm widening the search.

Well, I've just spoken to the doctors at St Phil's.

They've noticed that she has injuries on her wrists. Possibly from being grabbed.

-Right.

-They wonder whether she was running away from an assault

when she was hit by a vehicle.

-We're back to square one trying to find which car did it.

-You might not be looking for a car.

There was no real sign of any impact and it seems she was hit

by something that was rather large maybe a lorry, or a van.

I'll update the officers on the ground.

What about the guy who found Riley Cowan?

Just cos he's got a van?

It might be nothing, but he finds Riley standing over a woman

in the middle of the road no car in sight and yet he assumes it's a hit-and-run.

I'm just saying.

He's the one who put the idea out there in the first place, isn't he?

-Yes!

-HE CLAPS

Phwoar...

If we were playing for real, I'd owe you £800.

-What's your secret?

-Darts team at uni.

When I wasn't examining weird case studies

like fir tree seeds growing in lungs, I was on the oche.

Wait a minute, you had the fir-tree-in-the-lung case study?

We did that. Did you do sirenomelia?

Two legs fused together? Yes!

You know what this means? All colleges use the same case studies?

Yeah. And all those exotic cases really prepare you for the reality of being a GP.

Having to tell cold sufferers they can't have antibiotics.

Day in day out. I'd kill for a fir tree in the lung.

MOBILE RINGS

Emergency case of phonophobia?

Emergency case of Kevin doing his mother hen act.

-I'll just send him one back.

-And miss the opportunity of a wind-up?

Oh, yes.

Jacuzzi...

Russell Brand...

I'll get us a couple of Splunges for the road.

KEYPAD TONES

SHE LAUGHS

KAREN SNORES

Oh! Ka...

Shh...

DOOR CLOSES

URGENT KNOCKING Karen, wake up! Karen!

SHE SNORES

Hello, again!

Thanks for a surprisingly good evening.

It wasn't that good! I've lost 800 imaginary pounds.

You have a safe journey home, yeah?

And you stay here until you can get a double top.

HE SIGHS

Paul Morris picked up Janine Kennedy. She was hitching.

She wasn't won over by his charms and that's when he threw her out of his van.

-Before reversing over her.

-Nice guy(!)

Guilt got the better of him and he returned to the scene.

And that's when he found the perfect scapegoat.

Just got to deal with Riley Cowan, and then I can call it a night.

-Thanks for your help.

-No problem.

Riley Cowan, me old mate.

I am arresting you on suspicion of burglary,

driving without a valid licence and insurance, and attempting to sell stolen goods.

I would imagine the toughest part of your particular job

would be the long hours?

He's the sort of man who craves attention.

I do not crave attention.

Which one of us was parading around naked? Craves it.

Don't tell me I have to go through this all again with you?

Don't worry, madam, we've had dealings with this gentlemen before.

Hello, fellas! I suppose this is going to get all round the station.

MOBILE RINGS

KEYPAD TONE

Kevin!

Don't worry, I had a great time, mother.

Russell Brand was a perfect gentleman.

I'm on my way home.

Bye-bye!

KEYPAD TONE

SHE GIGGLES

# ..Say goodbye on a night like this

# If it's the last thing we ever do... #

-Sorry, everyone.

-Are you all right?

I'm fine. It's my bike that's knackered.

-I'm not.

-I booked you in. Booked us both in actually. For today.

-I am very sorry, Mr Treadwell.

-I should think you are.

But it really could not be helped.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone.

Yes. My husband.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd