Kiss and Tell Doctors

I'm sure I've got some spare wall plugs somewhere.

Rory.

Morning.

Come along, Rory.

I'll be right back.

What are you thinking of, talking to that woman?

Hello, Mother, this is a surprise. She's a very nice person.

Nice! Grasping, devious trollop, more like.

This used to be a respectable neighbourhood.

-Olivia's had a very bad press.

-She sold her story to the papers.

I wish you'd let me know you were coming.

Since when did I need an appointment?

It's just, I'm putting up some shelves...for Olivia.

Think of your hands. You're a surgeon, not a handyman!

Before you know it, she'll have you changing her oil

and cleaning her windows.

Why don't you fix yourself a cuppa while I finish up next door?

You need to get your priorities straight.

I will not play second fiddle to that strumpet!

-I can't just leave her in the lurch.

-Let her pay a handyman.

And from now on, steer clear.

It doesn't do to be seen with such a person.

She's not an axe murderer.

Don't be facetious. People talk,

and I won't have my family made the subject of idle gossip.

Now, hang that up for me while I powder my nose.

I've got some news to discuss with you.

I'd like to get a plan together for Switzerland.

They haven't accepted you.

No, but when Clemence do give the go-ahead, I want to be ready.

IF they give you the go ahead. Does it have to be today?

Why not?

If you need an incentive, we could always do the holiday thing first.

Fabulous. I'll dig out my skis.

This morning would be good for me.

It's my day off.

-Fine, just let me clear these away.

-Great.

Rory. There are no towels in the bathroom.

Your bathroom's a disgrace!

Thank you so much. They look fabulous.

No problem.

And you made it look so easy.

Last time I handled a saw I nearly took my thumb off.

Ended up in A&E.

Nice job.

Of course you'd appreciate a neat scar.

I wondered if you could recommend a local building firm.

I think the roof's leaking, the front wall's damp anyway.

They mentioned it in the survey.

That might be your gutters. I could take a look, if you like.

Whoa, careful.

One injured staff member's quite enough.

What have you done?

Kevin's love life claims another victim.

You and Kevin?

No! I prefer my men a little less shallow.

I was just getting my head down on Saturday night

when he shows up with one of his airbrushed playmates.

She was a bit of a screamer, if you get my drift.

I know it's his place, but a girl's entitled to a night's sleep,

so I was knocking on the wall.

But he couldn't hear, so I gave it some welly.

Fractured wrist.

Distal radius. So we still on for darts tonight?

You up for it?

Do you think I'd let a broken bone get in the way of a night out

with me and the champ? It's a date.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Mrs Jessop.

Edith. Take a seat. All's well, I hope.

So how can I help?

I need a product to reduce libido.

Could you elaborate a bit.

I think I've made myself perfectly clear.

Humour me.

It's perfectly natural to feel sexual desire.

It's not for me, you idiot!

Rory has taken a shine to his new neighbour, Olivia Birchwood.

I assume you've heard of her.

Olivia 'biggest scandal to hit Letherbridge in decades' Birchwood?

Given her reputation, I fear it's only a matter of time

before the inevitable happens, unless I take action.

Rory's a sensible man.

He's not going to get involved with the likes of Ms Birchwood.

Take my word for it, his baser instincts are in the ascendancy.

He sneaked off to put up shelves for her

after I expressly forbid it!

I think you're reading too much into the situation.

My son has shown no interest in women since his divorce.

But now this celebrity floozy has moved in,

I found those in his bathroom!

Edith, I can't prescribe medication for you

knowing you're going to give it to someone else.

Make an exception!

Your friend is about to make a damn fool of himself

with a totally unsuitable woman!

No, I'm sorry.

All right. If you won't provide medication,

you'll have to talk some sense into him, man to man.

He's off work today. I'll expect you for lunch.

12:45.

Congratulations, you deserve it.

In my official capacity as the new President of Raising Smiles,

I would like to invite you to become a patron.

Am I important enough?

I'd have thought you'd want a minor Royal at the very least.

Keep it under your hat, but we have a Dame and a Lord

considering our request as we speak.

He's a hereditary peer.

He can trace his family back to the Norman Conquest.

And the Dame?

One of those show business honours,

but the common herd seems to like that sort of thing.

So can I take it that's a yes from you?

I'd be honoured.

Does this mean I get to make speeches and give out prizes?

Endlessly. We have a fundraiser in a few weeks.

I shall dig out my compendium of witty anecdotes.

Nothing too racy, our primary donors are somewhat old-school.

And you aren't?

THEY LAUGH

Well, make yourself at home. You know where everything is.

I have an electric hedge cutter in my shed.

Is that a polite way of telling me I'm making a mess?

It's a bodged way of telling you to leave it to me.

That's marvellously gallant of you.

Not at all. It's a 20 minute job, with the right equipment.

OK, I'll accept your offer on one condition.

-Come to dinner.

-Tonight?

Why not, if you're free. 6-ish?

Perfect.

Any dietary issues I should know about?

As long as it's food.

You'll be the laughing stock of the cardio-thoracic world

if you take up with that woman.

We were chatting about gardening.

She's aware you're a surgeon, obviously.

What's that got to do with anything?

You're a catch, Rory, for someone like her. She's a gold-digger.

Don't be ridiculous. She's an independent woman.

She doesn't need my money. Anyway, we're just friends.

I'm not blind. And how did she obtain her independence?

By ruining the career of that poor politician

with her sleazy revelations.

I thought you despised the tabloids.

Almost as much as the fortune hunters who

trade their salacious stories.

KNOCK ON DOOR

How can you hold up your head in decent company

with her hanging from your arm?

Heston.

-Hello, Heston.

-Hello.

-I'll leave you two to talk.

Go on in.

Oh. Is my cooking that bad?

Sorry, I'm not hungry.

-I'll make you some soup.

-Can we talk dates?

I said later.

The vacuuming must be finished by now.

Unless of course you're going to start on the upholstery?

Sorry, was I disturbing you?

The domestic goddess ACT is a little bit disconcerting.

I haven't even started on the kitchen yet.

So why not take a break from the bleach?

-I'm on a roll.

-Humour me.

Household chores 1, washed-up husband 0.

I said later!

Actually, I'm glad you called in, I needed rescuing.

From Edith, surely not?

She's been giving me grief about my new neighbour.

We're getting along rather well, if you catch my drift.

And that's a problem?

She's Olivia Birchwood.

Ah.

I haven't felt this way about anyone in ages.

A celebrity with a book contract does not change its spots.

Anything happening in the bedroom department?

It may be heading in that direction.

We have a dinner date this evening.

I would think long and hard before going down that road.

Believe me, I have.

But, at the end of the day, I really like her

and I think she feels the same way.

We're both free agents. Where's the harm?

DOOR SLAMS

Just hang on a second.

Mrs Jessop. Come in.

Just let me finish this and I'll be with you.

PHONE CONVERSATION CONTINUES

< That's fine.

SHE GASPS

< All right, thanks very much. Bye.

Sorry about that.

If you think I'm going to stand by and let you ruin

my family's reputation, you are sorely mistaken.

I can assure you, I've got no intention of doing any such thing.

You will not to see Rory tonight, or any other night.

Understood?

With all due respect, Mrs Jessop,

it's not for you to tell me who I can and can't see.

Don't lecture me on what's appropriate. I know your game.

Marrying a surgeon will not make you respectable!

We barely know each other.

I doubt that will stop you

from hauling him into bed at the first opportunity.

I won't let Rory be the next instalment in your vile memoirs.

Stay away from him!

Do you think she may want to...you know?

From what I've heard, I'd be surprised if she doesn't.

In the event that the opportunity arises, I would like to be prepared.

Performance enhancing medication.

Do you have erectile problems?

Heston.

I can't just prescribe them.

We have to do some tests. I suggest you book an appointment.

You're supposed to be talking sense into him,

not conspiring to ruin his life!

Oh, I see, this is all a put up job.

I'm 51 years old and of sound mind.

I do not need to be babysat by you, or indeed, my duplicitous mother.

He does have a point.

You are about to make a hideous error of judgement. Tell him!

I think I've made my feelings perfectly clear.

So on that note.

Coward.

Oh. I was hoping to see Rory.

-It really isn't a good time.

-And you are?

-I'm Heston Carter. Dr Heston Carter.

-Olivia Birchwood.

Everything's all right, I hope.

A minor contretemps. I'm sure it'll all blow over.

That's a relief. Mrs Jessop was a little...overwrought earlier.

Nice to meet you, Dr Carter.

For heaven's sake, it's a dinner date.

It's not like we're getting married!

You don't know what you're dealing with. She's a seductress!

Her autobiography is utter filth!

And the rest of her books in her collection are not much better.

What, you've seen her books?

S-s-she's immoral.

You've been next door?

What have you done? Mother, what have you said to her?

If you interfere in my life again,

I will not allow you over that threshold.

Do you understand me?

OK, so you may be able to fill your day with things to do

but unfortunately, I don't have that luxury.

Come on, we'll both feel better once we've addressed the issue.

Knowing the date you intend to die

is not going to make me feel better in any way.

Well, it would be a huge weight off my shoulders.

Please.

Fine.

Assuming that Clemence give you the go-ahead,

-the earliest possible date is sometime in March.

-Really?

Or maybe not.

If you would like to talk, I am here.

-Hello again, Dr Carter.

-Olivia.

Rory tells me this is the closest practice to us,

so I'd like to register as a patient.

Mrs Tembe, would you dig out the relevant forms.

-Yes, of course.

-You've spoken then?

On the phone. Mrs Jessop isn't accepting visitors at the moment.

Right. Come through.

Thank you.

First week in April, that's looking good.

Easter weekend? No. Travel chaos.

And I happen to know that two of the doctors have booked holiday.

I suppose I could swing it with a family bereavement.

Or should that be imminent family bereavement?

-What about the middle of April?

-Before or after your birthday?

I don't think there's any point in postponing

for just another birthday, is there?

That avoids the gift issue nicely.

HE LAUGHS

Ali and Tom are coming over on the 21st.

Let's stick with that.

It'll be a chance to say goodbye them.

That's going to be one hell of a dinner party.

I know, let's get the caterers in, invite all our friends round,

and have a wake.

People are always saying at a wake,

"Old so-and-so would have loved this, shame they can't be here!"

Well, you can be!

Emma, Em, Em!

I know this is difficult.

Emma?

I'm sorry, it's just that this is ridiculous.

So absurd.

SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe we're doing it.

Right, that all seems in order. Are you on any medication at the moment?

Just the occasional painkiller.

I imagine you're aware of some version or other of my history.

I think I recall reading something.

"Sultry temptress sinks political career?"

Well, fortunately that's not relevant to your medical history.

I took antidepressants for a while, after the scandal.

Is that relevant?

So you suffered from depression.

Having your life raked over in the press

can be a very depressing experience.

It's the strangest thing, being usurped by

some distorted caricature of yourself, Dr Carter.

Surreal and painful.

Some might argue that you brought it upon yourself.

I was very much in love with the man whose career I allegedly destroyed.

And I didn't know he was married, at least, not until it was too late.

But you sold your story to the press?

I tried to set the record straight. I should have known better,

but I wasn't coping very well at the time, and I made some bad choices.

Like publishing intimate details of your personal life?

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't know what to do?

Where your world is collapsing around you?

Where the person you love becomes unrecognisable to you?

He hurt me terribly and I lashed out.

Do you regret it?

It was a long time ago. I hope I've moved on since then.

Unfortunately, responsible, grown-up behaviour doesn't make the headlines.

I've spent the past four years teaching business skills

to women's co-operatives in Sierra Leone. I ran away. And now I'm back.

Please don't go through with this, Rory.

PHONE RINGS

-Yes.

-Edith?

-You can't speak to Rory at the moment,

he's getting ready for his date of doom.

Edith, is everything all right?

Don't pretend to care, Heston, you had your chance.

I'll take care of this myself.

Hey, you haven't forgotten then. See you around 8?

I thought we could go straight there.

Get a few practice runs in before the game. With...

Tungsten.

SHE LAUGHS

20 grams?

You could use all the help you can get.

You just can't bear to lose, can you? You and me both.

Come on.

Zara, wow! Look at you! Have you met Al?

-Yes, we've met.

-So what's the occasion?

Just taking care of business.

I can drive you. I can drop you home afterwards.

I can stay off the booze.

No beer on a darts night? Sacrifice too far, mate.

I'll get a cab home.

Isn't it a little late for house calls?

I was concerned.

It's none of your business.

What's happened?

Let's just say, if they make it to bed, he'll be a disappointment.

Edith!

I will not stand back and let that woman ruin his life.

Tell me what you've done.

Where are you going?

-To see Rory.

-Why?

-Because I'm not getting anything from you.

You can't tell him!

Tell him what exactly?

He took round a bottle of Cabernet Shiraz with a screw top.

-I put sleeping pills in it.

-How many?

Enough to make them drowsy over dinner.

How many?!

You're making a big fuss over nothing.

People can die mixing sleeping pills with alcohol.

I'm going to see Rory.

I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon.

Heston.

If this is some harebrained scheme dreamed up by my mother.

-I was in the area.

-And?

And I wanted to ask Olivia about her urn.

It was a gift.

Well, I'm sure you've got things you need to be getting on with.

As it happens, I don't.

Heston.

Ah, Hakka Valley Cabernet Shiraz.

Somebody's got very good taste.

Who'd have thought the Australians were capable of such a

juicy middle palate bursting with bold berry brilliance?

Sadly, I'll never know.

Red wine gives Olivia migraines.

Rory's going to bring me a nice Chablis next time.

Right.

Why don't you take it with you?

Are you sure?

Heston, goodbye.

I'll see myself out.

Where is everyone?

What a vile colour.

Did you tell them?

Perhaps a more appropriate question would be - are they all right?

Are they?

No thanks to you. Never pull a stunt like that again.

Does Rory know?

I have just spent the last excruciating five minutes

ensuring that they don't.

Rory thinks I'm a blithering idiot.

And you're just worried about your reputation!

It's all I have! My good name is everything.

What about Rory?

It reflects on me, what he does, which is an asset

when he's saving lives and gaining plaudits, but this relationship...

How can I continue with the charity knowing that

people are sniggering behind their hands every time I host an event?

This evening you nearly poisoned two people, one of whom is your son.

How's that going to look on the front pages?

For what it's worth, I think Olivia is a decent woman,

who deserves a second chance.

Get to know her. Rory has, and remember, Edith, it's his life!

What about transport?

There's no point booking flights

until we get the go-ahead from Clemence.

We need to think about getting me back home.

Airlines must have special rules about transporting...remains.

Cremation or burial?

Cremation's probably the simpler option, given the circumstances.

Though I'd prefer burial.

You would have to be embalmed,

and shipped in a zinc-lined coffin.

Cremation then.

There's no point in making this any more difficult than it already is.

This is really going to happen, isn't it?

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

THEY LAUGH

Zara. What are you doing here?

-Where the hell is Howard?

-You look great.

I wasn't expecting to see you. Is Joe OK?

Joe's fine.

What's all this about Howard taking over Julia's stake in The Mill?

-Where are you staying?

-Just answer the question!

Julia wants her investment back. How about a coffee?

I didn't come here for a cosy chat!

There is no way that Howard is taking a partnership in the Mill.

I may not have been around much, but I am still a partner in this

practice and nobody, NOBODY should forget that.

I want to be updated on everything. Starting now.

Zara. This is a surprise.

I'm sorry. I wasn't much of a support in there.

Do not worry. They are quite a formidable group

Why were there boiler and roof problems?

Did they both go wrong simultaneously or is that yet

another symptom of your neglect?

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