A Few Bits Doctors

Belinda?

I've got a load of paperwork I need to catch up on today.

I'm sure, by the end of it, I will have a load more.

You've got to be a copper and an administrator these days.

Might as well shove a broom up me.

Oh, don't be so grumpy!

I just want to get home and have a beer on the settee.

A nice hot bath...

Curl up with a romance, nibble on a fondant fancy?

-You what?

-We're going line dancing.

Oh, that's tonight, is it?

I'm so busy, I hope I don't get caught up at work.

You won't.

No. Bye.

I don't need much.

Whenever you get a chance, sometime today, will be fine.

-I do need to be somewhere.

-I know you're busy.

I don't have time, Doris!

I'm sorry.

I'm late. I've got to meet my mother!

-Morning.

-Morning.

Hey, I like your hair. New product?

Are you saying insinuating that I'm not usually well groomed?

Would I? Are you in the zone for tonight's match?

Yeah, my action will be as smooth as my hair.

I look forward to seeing that.

What else are you hoping will be smooth tonight?

-Belinda!

-Mum!

You haven't checked in yet?

Oh, I cancelled that.

-What's the matter?

-Nothing. I just haven't got the flat ready for...

I've come to see you, not get room service.

-It's just...

-It'll be fine.

Besides, how can I fuss over you, if I'm in a hotel?

What?

Yes?

-Was that an attempt at Zumba?

-Don't be stupid.

-Me and Rob are going line dancing tonight.

-Why?

Because I thought it would be fun!

And I'd like to try something different.

Different? What next in this place? Crochet competitions?

-Well, even you must have hobbies?

-No. I have a life.

Ooh, I hope nobody gets on the wrong side of you today.

-This seems all right to me.

-Sshh!

-I'm not shouting, am I?

-Good morning.

-Morning.

I'm Clarissa. Belinda's mother.

-Really, she should be doing the intros.

-This is Doris.

Nice to meet you.

I just wondered if you had a bit more time now?

Whether you could do that shopping? I hate asking.

-Of course we can do some shopping for you!

-Oh, thank you.

It's harder for me to get out now, since me fall.

How rotten for you.

Why don't you go back inside and make out a list,

-and I'll collect it later.

-Are you sure?

-Of course.

-Oh, thank you.

Belinda?

Belinda! That was so rude! I felt embarrassed.

You don't understand.

I understand manners.

It's awful how people become invisible when they're old.

-How would you feel being treated like that?

-It's not as simple as that.

Well, it seems pretty straightforward to me.

I should be back before five. Don't get her any shopping, will you?

-It's no problem.

-Mum, please.

How's business? Are you the new Hilary Devey yet?

You've seen me in my shoulder pads?

I'd go for it, if I was running a business.

Big leather chair. Massive desk.

Well, it doesn't have a big leather chair,

but I do have a small office now. Me and a laptop are the main contents.

Good.

Your blood pressure is slightly higher than usual.

I've been rushing about a bit.

Still, work and home are a bit more separate now, with the office.

Is there anything else that might have caused it to go higher?

Belinda, what's wrong?

SHE SOBS

I don't know when Belinda will be back.

I can't sit around all day, so you'd be doing me a favour.

If you're sure it's no bother?

Of course not. I need to get some food in, anyway.

My daughter's fridge is looking very minimalist.

She's always so busy, isn't she?

Just take another deep breath.

I must seem soft.

No. Stressed. A break-up,

a new business, a new home.

Hey, and I want my tissues back.

How are you finding living on your own?

It was strange at first.

So I just put everything into work.

SHE SOBS

Just...breathe.

It's funny...

..I don't really miss Mike.

I think I miss the security of us as a couple, but not him.

Are you sleeping OK?

Not great.

It's just...

It's OK.

It's my neighbour.

-I think that's everything.

-Are you sure?

Well, I am having some friends round later.

Well, just add what you need.

My friend Elsa loves gin and lemonade!

-I can pay for it all.

-Oh, I don't doubt it!

Anything you need.

Thank you, it really is a help.

Maybe just get another bottle of wine? Thank you.

To be honest, when I found the flat

and realised Doris was my neighbour, I was relieved.

-No noisy all-night parties?

-Yeah.

But...

When I moved in - living there on my own, working there -

I realised how lonely it must be for someone like Doris, you know?

I knew sometimes she couldn't get out,

so I offered sometimes to do her shopping.

-But...

-Now she expects it?

Yes, but that's fine. It's just what she wants me to buy.

When she first asked me for alcohol, she said she was having a party.

But I've never seen anyone visit.

How often does she ask?

Every time I go out, she's there,

or I'm waiting for her to appear.

I'm nervous each time I leave the flat, and then coming home.

Well, have you tried explaining that you can't always get her shopping?

I've tried, but she doesn't seem to listen.

I can't seem to get my mind to switch off.

And now I've got my mum staying at the flat.

Maybe she can help?

I wouldn't want to involve her.

-Why not?

-No point worrying her. I need to be going.

Well, if you want, I can contact Social Services

and get them to look in on Doris?

-If you just give me her address...

-No, it's fine. I'm being silly.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe we could get something to eat afterwards?

-Celebrate our victory?

-Mmm, I like the confidence.

Hey, I'm just trying to keep up with you!

I didn't know you were sporty, Al.

Oh, not in a leaping around like an idiot way, but...

Ladies do like a winner, though.

Yeah, the amount of darts groupies is overwhelming.

One's enough.

Right.

Ladies like a confident sportsman. It's the alpha male thing.

It's about taking charge. Taking action.

You never see the players on the bench get the girl.

It's about taking the win.

Good luck with that.

Oh, don't worry about that!

It's so nice to have a full fridge.

Are you sure you don't need anything getting ready for your guests?

Sorry?

You said you had friends coming?

Oh, that! No, I'm fine.

-You'll join me in a drink, though, won't you?

-I should be getting back.

There's no rush! I'll get some glasses.

Hello? Mum?

Won't your guests be here soon?

KNOCK ON THE DOOR Er, I'll go.

I knew it.

-She just gave it to me.

-After everything we've gone through?

-Belinda...

-It always comes first, doesn't it?

Oh, you're just in time! I'll get another glass.

This is you not having one, is it?

I just did Doris' shopping for her, I brought it back...

-Just a social drink, don't want to be rude.

-I haven't...

This is where you pretend you haven't had anything?

When I'll be the one cleaning you up later!

Doris, we have to go.

BELINDA BREATHES HEAVILY

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh!

Oh, aren't I silly?

SHE CHUCKLES

BELINDA HYPERVENTILATES Belinda?

Don't touch me!

-Oh, you ready?

-Yee-ha!

I can't tempt you with a takeaway and a bottle of wine?

Don't be so boring. It's going to be fun!

Right, try and get her to take deep breaths.

Sit her down if you can, OK?

-Let's get out of here before there are any more calls.

-Your wagon awaits, Calamity Jane.

Oh, see? You can get into the spirit when you try.

Carry on, cowboy!

SHE IMITATES WHIP CRACKING

-They'll be here.

-They're late!

-Maybe they got stuck in traffic?

-It's not acceptable!

OK, easy, tiger!

It's just I've been looking forward to this all day.

-Me too.

-I've got all this energy and nowhere to put it.

I'm sure we could think of something.

Ooh! Game of pool?

Are you trying to hustle me for drinks?

-Perhaps.

-Loser pays for dinner?

MUSIC: "Inside Out" by Imelda May

# Love, it's so crazy Make my heart go

# Oops-a-daisy Make my blood flow

# Not so lazy Cos I love you inside out

# Time is a-wasting

# Why do you hold out? So frustrating

# Cos you know that you're looking amazing

# And I love you inside out

# I love your eyes Blue as the skies

# I love your lips to your fingertips

# I love your bones Your old sticks and stones

# Yeah, I love you inside out. #

-Where are all the cowboys?

-Oh, come on.

-Ladies and gentlemen, we've got some beginners in tonight.

-CHEERING

-Here we go.

-MUSIC STARTS

And, five, six, seven, eight.

# You're more than a number in my little red book

# You're more than a one-night date

# All it had to take me was just one look

# My heart began a-thumping Babe, you had it jumping

# Cos you're more than a number in my little red book... #

Just keep breathing out, slowly.

It was a panic attack.

Do you know what brought it on?

It was me.

She thought I'd been drinking.

Look, I swear I wasn't going to have anything.

She just gave me the bottle. I told her I had to go.

Is that what she said to you?

Yes, but it's more complicated than that. Isn't it, Mum?

I didn't have anything.

-How many times have I heard that?

-I know, but it's true!

When she said she needed the wine,

I... Well, I never thought she'd have a problem.

Why? Is there a type? Old men on park benches?

Couldn't possibly be a nice lady, could it?

How would she get her lippy on if she had shaky hands?!

You had a lot of "parties", didn't you?

(Belinda...)

But the difference is, Doris doesn't have a daughter

who can clean up after her, does she?

OK, OK, look, calm down. There's another story here.

And whatever it is, it needs resolving

if it's affecting you like this.

I thought things were better between us?

You know how sorry I am.

Pretending nothing happened isn't being sorry.

I've had years to...

I can't do it again.

Oh, you don't have to.

But carrying this anger around is making you ill.

It was Belinda who saw me at my worst,

when I was drinking.

Most people gave up on me. But she didn't.

Where's Doris?

BOTTLE SMASHES, DORIS LAUGHS

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

# Oh, don't you believe me

# Yeah, I know

# It's kind of creepy... #

Did you tell Mandy about your fall recently?

Oh, it was nothing serious.

-What did your doctor recommend?

-Don't like to make a fuss.

It's all right, Doris. You shouldn't be ashamed.

Ashamed? Why would I be ashamed?

I had friends visiting. I meant to do a tidy.

I'm just a bit concerned if you've had a few falls recently.

I'm clumsy.

But what if next time you fall and there's no-one here to help?

Well, Belinda helps when she can. Don't you?

Well, Belinda can't always be expected to help.

I could arrange something more permanent.

I mean, not just for the shopping, but help around the flat.

I do understand how you feel, Doris.

But the drinking -

it can creep up on you.

Drinking? What is she saying?

I had a drink problem, Doris.

I told myself I was being social.

I used to say I was having friends round, parties.

Drink problem?

You come into my house and you say...

-TEARFULLY:

-I'm... I'm not like that.

Come on, Doris.

I don't know how....

No-one's here to judge.

-One step at a time, OK?

-OK.

MUSIC: "Go West" by Pet Shop Boys

THEY MURMUR

-Hiya. Pint of bitter, please.

-Yeah, sure.

You're either being brave or ironic, wearing that.

I cannae say which.

Oh, yeah, I'm being very brave.

If anybody from work saw me, I'd never hear the last of it.

I'll bet. Where do you work?

I'm a police officer.

-Oh!

-Cheers.

Well, I guess you're used to a uniform.

Oh, I wouldn't say it was that similar. My wife picked it.

And does your wife know you're here?

No. And she wouldn't be very impressed if she did know.

What if she does?

She'll have to get over it.

Is it not a bit tricky hiding where you are?

I don't do this all the time.

And, anyway, marriage should be about compromise.

Seems like a big compromise.

I mean, don't get me wrong, she wouldn't be thrilled.

She doesn't look it.

What a surprise(!)

Are you OK?

How's Doris?

Frightened. It'll take her a while to admit that.

But you're not on your own.

Thanks.

Look, why don't you make another appointment to come and see me?

We can discuss the different options, like counselling.

It might be good for both of you.

I better get back to Doris.

Is there anything we can do?

Just try and have a relaxed evening.

I really hurt you, didn't I?

I...um...

I wanted to think that somehow it was...separate.

How it could it be?

I...

still... I wanted to think that the only person

I'd really damaged was me.

I'm afraid we're stuck with those years.

But please tell me it hasn't ruined all the ones that lie ahead?

I don't want it to.

Look, I know I'm asking for one more chance, but...

..please, let me be there for you this time.

It hasn't been easy.

How about a night in a hotel and a spa day?

I don't know...

I know it's not exactly a long-term solution...

..but I'd like to do something nice for you for once.

As a start.

You knew how much this evening meant to me.

I know. I just felt so out of place.

Maybe your husband is more comfortable here.

What has it got to do with you?

I'm sorry, but it's clearly not easy for him, is it?

Just coming here is a big step. KAREN SCOFFS

Come on, we'll get going.

You need to tell her. It's not fair to either of you.

What's not fair?

I don't know. Just come over here, love.

You couldn't give it one evening, could you?

HE SIGHS

I thought you said you liked to win?

Depends on what the prize is.

Yes! Do I get to choose where we eat?

We could try that new French place?

Ooh-la-la! Candlelight and fine wines?

You fancy that?

Tres bon, monsieur Al!

Jas...

I can't stop thinking about you.

Al!

You can't just pick it up in two minutes,

you've got to give it a chance! You hardly did that!

It's just not me, love.

Oh, right, yeah, you wanted to sit in a hot bath,

and come to some dodgy pub.

I just wanted a couple of beers.

Unless you're trying to tell me something, of course.

Yeah! I'm not interested in line dancing.

Is that a euphemism, or some kind of code?

-Eh?

-Oh, come off it, I'm not buying the whole off-duty cop act.

-He's right, Sarge, we're not going to get away with it.

-You what?

We've had a really good relationship with the coppers over the years,

-and this? Well, it's just insulting.

-Seriously, I just wanted a beer.

Yeah, right, and the Village People thing's irony, is it?

What's he on about?

Sarge, they're onto us! We better get out of here quick,

before they report us to the Inspector.

-I've got a good mind to.

-Quick!

Oi! Oi, what do you think you're doing?

You're obviously not here on official business,

so I've got every right to ask you to leave.

Just because you've got the eyes of Daniel Craig

doesn't mean you can come in here

and start playing your weird little mind games in my pub.

And just because I'm off duty does not mean I can't arrest you for assault!

Oh, please do!

Arrest the gay pub owner, dressed as one of the Village People.

-You're just missing the handlebar moustache, sunshine.

-The WHAT pub owner?

-This is a...

-Oh, please, like you don't know!

I didn't!

He did! He said it would be a laugh.

He's a really bad influence on me, I'm so sorry!

You need to steer clear of his type, love.

You're right, I will do.

I'm...I'm just so ashamed. Getting us to dress up and everything -

-it's so disrespectful.

-Stop it, woman, you're embarrassing yourself!

-That'd be you!

-Come on, we're off home.

-Oh, don't let him make me!

-Leave her alone.

-This is my wife! She's messing about.

-Whatever. Back off.

Don't let him take me!

-Come on.

-Back off.

-Ooh!

What were you doing?

You were flirting.

Flirting?

I thought you were. You said you fancied dinner.

Yeah, cos I was hungry.

Do you and Kevin go on candlelit dinners?

What the hell are you talking about?

You'd noticed that I'd changed my hair.

Everyone noticed! It's very noticeable!

OK.

Look, Al...

I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea...

Yeah, so am I.

..but I just don't see you like that.

No, of course not. Why would you?

Look, I really like you as a mate.

HE LAUGHS

AS SEAN CONNERY: Shocking.

I don't really know what else to say.

It's OK, I've been here before.

We remain polite, exchange a few little jokes

about how embarrassing this all is,

you'll tell all your girlfriends, and probably Kevin too...

..then you'll move on.

And me...

well, I'll keep a respectable distance,

because I don't want to be misinterpreted,

and then eventually I'll get another job and move elsewhere.

And when I'm gone,

you will feel this overwhelming sense of relief,

because the awkwardness is finally gone from your life.

-No! Al...

-No, no, no, no, that's me.

"The Awkwardness."

As I said, I've been here before.

Excuse me.

Which one of you did it?

Who could have murdered poor Marcus?

Oh, thank God! He was really getting on my nerves.

I was upstairs with Miss Rhodes.

-Doing what?

-Precious little in this dress.

I am curious how you lost your eye, Captain?

Tubruk? Dunkirk? Monte Casino?

Paris. Madame Fifi's Knocking Shop.

Rogue champagne cork.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd