Life's Too Short Doctors

Jimmi, hope you're not looking for your presents!

-No.

-You're not going running are you? I've got plans.

I was going to open my presents first. You know, make time, make time for that.

-Ah! Cunning!

-Happy birthday!

-I thought it could be a stress buster.

-Stress buster?

It's only a small present. You're meant to open THAT ONE first.

-There must be something else!

-Open that one.

But that's a... And that's a shirt!

Yeah, a Fabrizio designer shirt! It was supposed to be a surprise.

All right, OK. OK.

So, this is still a surprise, is it? Wonder what it is.

Oh!

That's fantastic! Thank you.

Do you not like Mister Huggit?

I'm going to have a go at this right now! Best birthday present ever! Yee-hee!

ETHEREAL PAN PIPE MUSIC

Sorry!

Life's too short for Tai Chi.

You're not kidding!

Slow motion is definitely not my speed of choice.

I meant when we could be spending time together.

I'm sorry, I'm not usually so forward.

Do you hear me complaining?

Do you mind if I take your arm?

My arm, my leg anything you want.

These holistic sessions will be over soon.

We might not see each other again.

I'm in love with you, Anthony.

That's the best news I've had for a very long time.

Are we mad?

Nah! Love's the best cure for cancer I can think of.

-I'm having second thoughts about putting Patti on the drugs trial.

-Hallelujah! She's seen the light!

All right, but it's too late to do anything about it now.

Not necessarily. You could confess.

Talk to Kevin, that's a great idea, he'd have my guts for garters!

Kevin in a pair of garters. That I would love to see!

Mandy, it's not funny!

Sorry. Well, what I suggest you do is speak to Howard. Today.

Like he's going to go any easier on me?

No. But at least he'll be business-like about it.

You'll have to lay it on thick.

You love your aunty and you let your feelings get in the way of your professional judgement.

You think he'd buy it?

It's the truth, isn't it?

Yeah, pretty much.

Better now than when the trial's further down the line.

Then it really will be too late.

I love my new house,

but I really miss popping round for a natter and a coffee.

-Bet you wouldn't move back, though.

-Maybe not.

You're just going to have to come and live near me.

Kingsvale? Fat chance of that.

Ooh, Paula, your blood pressure reading's a bit higher than normal.

Anything to panic about?

Maybe not, but I think you should go and see Doctor Carmichael.

What could she do? I'm already on the medication.

She'd probably just tell me to take it easy, put my feet up and go home.

That would not be a bad idea.

I'll be fine. It's just this surprise party I'm doing for Tony. It's running me ragged.

You know it's more than that.

Taking care of a sick husband takes it out of you, and Tony...

um, he's a handful at the best of times.

Men, eh? Can't live with them, can't live...

Listen, I'm free this afternoon.

Why don't I come and help you?

D'you mean that?

-Oh, great!

-You just sort what needs doing and give me a bell.

Ah, thanks, Karen, you're a pal. Thank you. I'll speak to you later.

You take care.

When I was a novice in the convent,

I was taught that the desire for money was ungodly and corrupt.

Here you are, a successful businessman.

All the accoutrements of wealth

and you don't have an evil bone in your body.

I'm not exactly an angel.

Me neither. The pleasures of the flesh are too tempting!

I just hate the feeling that life is,

not so much passing me by as swerving to avoid me.

It's like, just because you've got a life-threatening illness you

lose your stake in normality.

I wouldn't admit that to anyone but you.

We wouldn't be having this conversation

if we didn't both have cancer.

Are you having doubts?

No, not at all, Anthony.

I never believed I'd fall in love,

I just never thought it would happen to me.

I thought those days had gone, best years of my life had passed me by.

Well, then!

Say we didn't have a disease in common.

Would I be the kind of girl you'd take out on that schooner of yours?

A luxury liner's more your style.

Jane, after my divorce I thought I'd never love again.

You talk about wasted years.

I know that feeling, believe me.

For the man who has everything.

Let's get a room at the Rockingham Hotel.

-When?

-Tonight.

Let's be reckless.

Top of the range.

I can see that. It's got one of those clever GPS devices.

Yes, it knows when you're on a multi-terrine run.

That's "terrain", Cherry.

And while we're on the subject, a little gift from me.

Oh! Cheers, Elaine. Thank you.

Ah, exactly what I needed! Thank you, Elaine.

-What's that, Boozer's Guide to Dens of Iniquity'?

-Back to your puzzle, geek!

-Geek? She bought this for you, didn't she?

-Brains and brawn, that's me.

-More like scrawn.

A bit of exercise wouldn't do you any harm, Daniel.

-Yeah, you're getting a beer belly, mate.

-What! This is pure, toned muscle.

Achieved without becoming a fitness bore.

There's more than one way to get fit, y'know.

Jimmi!

-But you're always too exhausted. How sad.

-I'd give you a run for your money any day of the week.

-Solved it.

-No way!

-Better undo it. Don't want to spoil it for Jimbo.

-Let's have a look!

-No.

-Oi! Give it...

-Whey-hey!

Give it here!

Daniel Granger, you liar!

Checklist. I've got balloons, banners, party poppers.

Paula, do you not think you're going a bit over the top?

This is going to be a party to remember.

Sounds like it. So, am I on butty duty, or what?

Actually, I wondered

if you wouldn't mind picking up Tony's cake from Davidson's?

Paula, do you not think you're getting a bit stressed,

I told you about that.

'It's not worth it.'

If I don't do this party,

I might regret it for the rest of my life.

Er, right, listen, in case you're back before me,

I'll leave the back door keys under the bin, OK?

OK. See you later.

See you.

What are you doing home?

Oh, nice to see you, too.

I thought you were at the holistic centre all day.

Nah, gets a bit samey after a while.

Mate of mine's asked me to go fishing.

Which mate?

From the centre. Fellow sufferer.

-Name?

-Keith.

-Surname?

-Moon.

Wasn't he in The Who?

Yeah, yeah. He gets that all the time.

What's with the third degree, anyway?

When is this supposed to be happening, then?

-Tonight. So we can make an early start in the morning.

-Tony, it's your birthday on Saturday!

Don't panic, I'll be back in good time.

Mike and Steve can't make it at the weekend.

-They're going down to the caravan in Wiltshire. And Uncle Stan said...

-Hang on!

You're not planning a party, are you?

It was supposed to be a surprise.

Who the hell has a party when they're 44?

It's different for you.

Oh, I see. I could be dead next year?

Yes.

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence!

Listen, I've got some shopping to do.

I've gone to a lot of trouble with this party, Tony, so it's going ahead, whether you like it or not.

OK, you never know, you might even enjoy yourself!

Here, blow up a few balloons while you're waiting.

Howard. Would you like a cup of tea?

No, thank you. I have to plough through some stats.

Right, so now it's probably not a good time.

For what?

There's something I'd like to discuss with you.

Fire away, then.

OK. It's a little bit tricky.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

If it's important, I'll be in my office. If not, do not disturb.

I'll leave you to your chit-chat.

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

It's Patti.

Hi, lovely, are you OK?

Freya, I just had to ring you, love.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Nothing! I feel like a new woman.

But what happened to the flu symptoms?

'They'd gone by lunch-time yesterday.'

And then, bit by bit, the pain started to ease as well.

And now, I can flex all my fingers.

It's nothing more than a miracle.

That's...that's brilliant!

And I've got you to thank!

I don't know about that but I'm really glad you're feeling better.

'Don't be so modest!'

If you hadn't got me onto the drugs trial.

CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

Oh, listen, love, my taxi's here.

I'm going to the pub with Beryl. Speak later.

OK, bye.

You still need to come clean, Freya.

And take all that away from her? I don't think so.

She's going to benefit from this trial anyway. Eventually.

Eventually? Oh, yeah.

That's if NICE approves the drug for general NHS use.

And there's no guarantee of that.

-Patti would not want you to jeopardise your career. If she knew...

-Well, she doesn't

and I'd like to keep it that way.

I'm not backing down from this, Mandy, OK?

ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE

Jane, could you give me a ring as soon as you get this?

There's a problem about tonight, and...

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi!

AIR SPLURTS OUT OF BALLOON

I followed you.

I was ringing to explain about tonight, and here you are!

Who was that woman?

Woman? Where?

I just saw her leaving.

That's not a woman, that's my sister.

And, er, this is her house.

Ah, that explains it!

She's throwing a surprise party. Wouldn't you just know!

Darling, you didn't tell me it was your birthday!

It's not actually today.

Anyway, this is what I was ringing to tell you.

It really scuppers our arrangements.

Why? We can go to the hotel after the party.

I am invited, aren't I?

Er, I'm not sure that's a good idea.

-In other words, you don't want me to come?

-No, it's not that.

Have you ever seen the Addams Family?

-I thought you were ready to make a commitment?

-I am.

-It doesn't seem that way to me.

-No, Jane, wait. Listen.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to stop us

spending time together.

I want to spend the whole evening with you, just the two of us.

Tonight?

Yes, tonight.

KEY IN DOOR

Would you believe it? I went all the way into town without my purse.

You must be Anthony's sister!

And you must be Keith Moon.

Um... Shall we go in?

Right, let's start again, shall we?

I'm Paula Salisbury, Tony's wife.

I'm sorry.

And you must be?

Barbara Frasier, isn't it?

I'm Karen, from the Mill.

Her name's Jane Finch.

That's amazing. Must have a twin?

I think I should leave.

No, stay!

Jane and I...

Maybe you were separated at birth?

Give it a rest, will you, Karen!

Don't talk to my friend like that!

There's no easy way to say this.

There never is, is there?

Paula, this is not like the other times.

This is the real thing.

OK, we've both got cancer and maybe you think we're desperate.

That's interesting because, this Barbara, her husband died of cancer.

It was a terrible shame

because they'd only been married a few weeks.

She got the lot, sold up, and disappeared.

All of this has got nothing to do with Jane.

Please, just let me leave.

If you go, I'm coming with you.

Oh, go on. Be a pal, take him off me hands!

Not a chance. You're welcome to him.

You've been conned, Tony.

You lied to me?

I think we're probably quits on that one, aren't we?

I take it we're not going to be

sipping cocktails on the Aegean coast?

I was trying to impress you.

Look, Jane, our moments together were very precious to me.

You can't fake that kind of chemistry.

Let's put the past behind us, be reckless, like you wanted.

You're angry. I can understand that.

You are a desperate, pathetic, shell of a man.

Now is that enough for you to step aside?

Enjoy your party, Anthony.

DOOR SHUTS

You've had this coming for years.

-Fancy popping into town for the chicken wings?

-You're not going ahead with the party!

Why not? He deserves to be punished, doesn't he?

Paula, get real? He nearly walked out on you.

He'd never do that. He knows which side his bread's buttered.

Oh.

I need it to do it to take my mind off things, the party.

That man does not deserve you.

How would I handle it?

Waking up, realising he's not there?

You must think I'm pathetic.

I have never thought that.

He's the one who ought to be ashamed.

But he's so ill.

Ill? He wants seeing off.

Quick, get me a tissue, please!

Paula.

Don't you "Paula" me.

When we get back, I want you showered and in a clean shirt.

Come on, Karen.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yep, come in!

Doctor Wilson, thank goodness you are still here.

One of Doctor Carter's patients has asked for a home visit.

OK. Can he come in tomorrow morning?

Then he can see Heston.

It is just very painful for him to breathe.

A pleasant young man, he doesn't normally complain.

Perhaps I was a little hasty in assuming that you would be

willing to help him.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you're right.

Are those his details?

Indeed they are.

Thank you. Well, why don't you go home and I'll lock up?

Oh! Thank you, that is very thoughtful, Doctor Wilson.

Have a drink and try and enjoy yourself.

Yes.

I think we should cut the cake.

Whoa! Did we just get married?

-Speech!

-What's he like?

Just a few words. It's not every day you're 44, eh?

Though, actually, it's not till Saturday, but, hey.

This is a fantastic spread, eh, Uncle Stan!

And it's all down to my lovely wife, Paula.

I did a good day's work marrying her.

These past few months haven't been easy,

but one thing I've been certain of is Paula by my side.

I'm one lucky guy!

Hear, hear!

Anyway, the boss says it's time to have some cake.

So, fill your boots. And see you next year!

Happy birthday!

I can't get... I can't get the knife through the cake.

Paula, what's wrong?

-It's this icing, it's rock hard!

-Let me have a go.

Paula!

Oh. I'm all right. Just felt a bit dizzy, that's all.

Come on, you need to lie down.

My call, Karen! Looks like the cake's off the menu.

Thanks for coming, yeah?

-I'm fine, I'm fine.

-You're worn out, love.

-Come on.

-I'm fine!

What happened to you?

Few puddles on the towpath.

You mean, you got lost!

Do you want a cold drink?

No, cold bath, more like. Warm water makes your muscles swell.

Nothing worse after a run.

Don't expect me to wash your back.

Watch is working great, by the way. It's waterproof!

She's having a nap.

Ah, you've cleared up. You're an angel.

Cut the smarm. I didn't do it for you.

Is that any way to talk to a sick man?

Sick or not, I wouldn't give you house room!

Not a lot of empathy, have you?

-For someone with so-called medical training.

-Empathy! You...

The only person you care about is yourself.

Maybe I'm finding it hard coping with cancer.

You've been cheating on her all your married life.

This thing with "Jane" takes the biscuit!

The very time when you and Paula should be closer together,

supporting each other!

It's complicated.

Right, well, let me make it really simple.

If you don't start behaving yourself, you could lose her.

She'd never leave me.

You just don't get it, do you?

You've put her under so much stress, you could outlive her!

I've seen it happen to carers and I am damned

if I'm going to let it happen to my mate.

-Don't be daft!

-Daft, is it?

You'd better knuckle down and show some respect...Tony,

before it's too late.

DOOR SLAMS

Whoa! That's massive?

Yeah, you said you wanted to eat more pasta.

Yeah, but before a run, not after.

This is supposed to be a special birthday treat, yeah?

Yeah. That was the idea.

Cheers. Happy Birthday, Jimmi!

Thank you.

Your lips are freezing!

Cold lips are the least of my problems.

Maybe we can do something about that later.

Did you go anywhere nice?

No.

Thing is, when you're running,

you're more focused on the process of running.

Body rhythm. Breath.

Pace. Stride. Terrain.

When I get into more long-distance stuff,

I'm definitely going to do the A456.

It's really varied for an A road

Strawberry trifle?

Hm? Oh, no. Too much dairy.

Jimmi, why don't you go and chill out on the sofa? I'll tidy up.

OK.

Argh, hamstrings.

So you've seen Doctor Carter.

Yeah, he did some tests. He said the lupus had got worse.

Only, my partner's heavily pregnant and needs her sleep. I don't want to be pacing the floor

all night if I can help it.

Course you don't. I'm just going to listen to your chest.

OK.

Just relax. When's the baby due?

Couple of months. We're both really looking forward to it.

Good.

Right, love, if you just lean forward for me.

Sorry if this is a bit cold.

Ooh!

Right, take a big breath for me.

HE BREATHES IN

And out.

That's brilliant. And one more.

Pop your top back on.

It's a shame this didn't all kick off when they were recruiting for the drug trial.

-What?

-I was nominated,

but didn't make it. Just my luck, eh?

It's all quiet now, then, eh?

Yeah. Just you and me.

Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

Just that blip with the cake.

And you nearly fainting.

I'll get on the phone to Davidson's first thing in the morning.

I ordered Royal icing, not Artex.

Quite right, love.

Cup of tea?

Yeah. Why not?

Who's done all the clearing up?

Me. Thought I'd start as I mean to go on.

Jimmi...

Now it's time for your real birthday surprise.

How about one of my special massages?

MUSIC STARTS

The question is...

Should I get undressed?

Or are you going to do it for me?

What do you think, big boy!

OK, I'm going to prescribe you some cocodamol for the pain.

At this rate, I won't be able to carry my own baby.

I'm really sorry, love.

Why? It's not your fault.

I've got a philosophy I stick by.

There's always someone worse off than yourself.

Turns out to be true in this situation.

How?

Whoever made it onto the drug trial is in a worse state than me.

Stands to reason, surely.

And, I'm lucky in so many other ways.

Yeah, I suppose so.

If you think about it, I'm the one sitting back

and reaping all the benefits.

What do you mean?

Whatever they find on the trials is going to help me.

And I'll get all that without having to be a guinea pig.

The wonders of modern medicine.

What's your problem?

Lads like you. You're my problem.

How are you?

I haven't felt this good in a long time.

Well? I think there's a gap in the market.

Hello. I'm phoning about the concierge service?

I can help you get organised.

I'll call the police!

See how you like being locked up again.

Thank you, Dr Wilson.

Bye.

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