The Great Unwashed Doctors

You should've worn a tie.

That silk one Auntie Ag gave you.

It's not that formal. It's not like chambers.

But you suit a tie,

and you want to make a good impression.

Ah, I'm ever so proud of you! Helping the desperate and the needy.

Actually, they call them clients.

I'm going to be in campus all day, so if you need anything...

Mum, stop treating me like it's my first day at school!

I can't help it. It's your first job.

-What about the Icon? And I had that paper-round.

-You know what I mean.

-Your first proper job.

-I'm a volunteer!

It's not even paid.

But this is it, isn't it?

After this, you know, it's Newcastle, being a lawyer, all that.

I've got to go. There's someone waiting already.

Oh! The poor girl. You should go and talk to her.

Right. Thanks for the lift.

-See you later.

-Good luck!

Bye!

-Hi.

-Hi, hello.

I'm a legal adviser here. Can I help you?

Do you want to talk to somebody?

I'm not a client, I'm a volunteer.

Oh. You too?

Why did you think I was a client?

Hi. Nazneen Uddin?

-Naz. Hi.

-And you must be Jack Hollins.

I'm Ellie Murphy, I'll be training you.

I'm really looking forward to this. I'm sure we're going to learn loads.

And it'll look great on our CVs.

Quite. Well, thanks for coming in early.

If you'd like to follow me?

It's not easy, being an adviser.

It's not just about knowing your stuff.

you have to learn to listen and...

And be open-minded and non-judgemental.

-Very good!

-I've been going through the self-study pack.

You both got them then?

Yeah. I've had a quick look.

So, when do we start?

You won't be giving advice until you've had some training.

Meanwhile, you can help with general admin.

But we are trained. I mean, we are both law graduates.

You can sit in and observe some advice sessions with me.

See how it all works.

People don't always tell you their problems straight off.

Often they don't know exactly what the problem is.

They'll ask for a grant so they can pay their gas bill,

and then you talk to them for another hour

and find out they're actually £100,000 in debt and their house is being repossessed.

It's about getting the information you need from all the other stuff that you know.

I found that when I was counselling.

I worked on the student helpline at Cambridge. It was fascinating.

That's what made me want to do this.

And what about you, Jack?

A friend of a friend, someone I'd worked for, recommended me and I had an interview.

We will be giving legal advice eventually, won't we?

Not just doing admin?

If you don't want this job, or you feel it's beneath you,

there are plenty of other law graduates who'd jump at the chance.

I want this job, of course I do.

Glad to hear it.

Right! Come on then.

I'll give you both a tour before it gets too manic.

I wouldn't mind if he slept for even a few hours,

-but being woken up every hour!

-Oh! Is he teething?

Yes. So I've got months of this.

It'll be worthwhile in the end.

When he goes to university, does something worthwhile, and makes you proud, like Jack.

He's a legal advisor for Citizens' Advice Bureau. Did I say?

Only about a hundred times.

-Morning.

-Hiya!

I'd better not have any time-wasters today. I'm not in the mood.

She hasn't slept. Poor thing.

You all right? You don't normally have coffee.

I didn't sleep much, either. Jimmi was snoring.

What with teething and the snoring,

you pair are going to be a right barrel of laughs today(!)

Jack, I asked for the Gujarati version of the housing leaflet,

not the Punjabi. Can you bring some out, please?

Fill up the leaflet racks.

How are you supposed to tell which one is the Gujarati version?

Cantonese, Polish, Urdu, Somali, Punjabi...Gujarati.

It says it in English, on the box.

You went to Cambridge, right?

Yeah. Got a first.

So why are you doing this?

Same reason as you - to make a difference.

And you get six months off your legal training.

That's why I'm doing...

I've got your leaflets.

Good, thanks.

-Naz, you speak Urdu?

-Fluently.

A client's come in who doesn't speak any English,

it'll take hours to get an interpreter.

-If you wouldn't mind doing the honours?

-Sure, great.

What about me?

Oh, er...you just carry on.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Just to remind you, Mrs Newman's coming in at eleven.

Cherry, I wanted to ask - you know that organic shop that you and Jimmi go to?

Organic shop?

-The one that does the posh food.

-Hewson's.

Ah, yes. I want to get something nice for Jack's tea, as it's his first day at work.

I was wondering, what do you think I should get?

Karen, I really don't know! I'm really busy.

Look them up online, I'm sure there will be something.

-Gloves.

-Gloves?

-I've run out.

Over there, in the box. Help yourself.

All is not well in Princess Pinky Land, obviously.

-Zara, I'm busy. OK?

-OK!

Someone obviously got out of bed the wrong side this morning.

Thanks, Naz, that was great. Well done.

What are these? Is it rubbish?

No! Don't go throwing them away.

It's just a load of old newspaper.

To you, maybe. But it's important to him.

They're in the way there.

Hi. Can I help you?

No. I was just looking.

Hoverer.

Sorry?

That's what I call them. New clients.

It's not easy to ask for help, you know. It can be humiliating.

People often come in several times and hover around before they'll talk to anyone.

Oh, right.

Ellie, I've done the photocopying, and the leaflets.

-Thanks. Tea break?

-I was going to ask if I could do some legal work.

Or at least sit in on an advice session?

Right, well I'm going to speak to Mr Simmons about his housing benefit.

-You can sit in on that.

-Great.

That must have been awful.

And to see her having a breakdown, behaving so irrationally.

Sometimes, I'd have to wear my sister's clothes.

HE LAUGHS

I'm sorry, it's not funny.

Jack, could you go and get Mr Simmons a cup of tea, please?

Milk, no sugar?

It's not a melanoma, it's just dirt.

Maybe if you washed your feet occasionally?

-Cherry, you were going to give me a urine sample?

-Was I?

Not you, Mrs Newman. She gave it to you earlier.

Oh, yeah. Of course she did. Do you need it now?

-Yeah, I'm bagging everything up for the courier.

-OK.

Isn't there a day-centre he could go to?

We are Mr Hibbert's day centre.

He comes here to sleep because he feels safe here, and we let him.

He's not doing any harm.

What's the point of him being here if he doesn't want advice?

And he smells. In fact, he's filthy.

So would you be if you slept rough. Jack?

Ellie, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I got the giggles with that client.

I know it was unprofessional.

Well, I managed to calm him down, eventually.

Mr Simmons is vulnerable enough.

The last thing he needs is some smart aleck student laughing at him.

It doesn't matter how much law you know,

if you can't show empathy and some basic courtesy to clients, then you are no good to us here.

Naz, want to do some childcare?

What?

Ryan Boyce. Eight years old, hyperactive.

I need to talk to his mum and he's disruptive.

Can you baby-sit him?

I'm just not...I don't have any experience with kids.

-I don't mind doing it.

-Are you any good with kids?

Brilliant. I've got loads of cousins.

All right. Naz, lunch-break. An hour.

Jack, you follow me.

CHILD MAKES REPETITIVE NOISE

You have got to be joking.

He's a lovely kid, basically. Just a bit of a handful.

OK. Sure.

Thanks.

Hello, Ryan. Do you want to get down from the chair?

Don't do that, there's a good lad. Come on.

Tell you what, why don't we have a game of football?

If we can find something to... or not.

Erm, I know.

-I'm going to sing you a song. Yeah?

-Yeah.

OK? You're going to like this.

# Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,

# You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

# Feel the city breakin'

# And everybody shakin', and you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

# Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive

# Ah, ah, ah... #

-Look at you, John Travolta!

-Mum, what are you doing here?

-You forgot your lunch.

-You didn't have to come all this way.

It's no trouble. Anyway, I wanted to see where you worked.

She showed me in. Is she your boss?

No, she isn't my boss.

I'm one of the other volunteers.

I'm Ellie, the training supervisor.

Hello. I'm Karen.

So this is where it all happens.

It's ever so nice.

Jack, I didn't know you could sing.

Oh, he's really talented. You really like that song, don't you?

Rob, my husband, he's a big Travolta fan.

He used to sing that to them when they were kids.

And he can dance. Jack. He had classes for years.

We thought he might be a ballet dancer.

He did tap, and everything. Little tiny tap shoes...

-Shouldn't you be getting back?

-All right, I'm going! Bye.

-Bye.

Jack, lunch.

Now that you've got your food, have a break.

Come on, Ryan. Let's go and find Mummy.

Your mum makes your sandwiches?

Tuna and tomato. I don't even like them, but they were my favourite when I was 12, so...

Ah, sweet.

I'm going to go and eat lunch in the park,

get some fresh air. It's depressing in here.

Hi, can I help you?

Thanks. I need some advice.

I'm Jack Hollins, legal adviser.

If you'd like to tell me what the problem is, we'll see if we can help.

Would you like to come through?

-Do you have to creep around like that?

-Sorry.

What are you doing?

I've lost something. It's fine. I'll find it.

What have you lost?

It's really not important.

Do you think you could do it later? I'm trying to have a power-nap here.

OK, let me guess. Is it a hair-clip?

A pink scrunchy? Your favourite lipstick? Not your engagement ring?

-Am I getting warm?

-It's a urine sample.

You've lost a urine sample?

It's not going to be in here, is it?

I'm looking in here because I've looked everywhere else!

Sorry.

I worked in a warehouse, see. Shifting white goods. Washing machines, and what have you.

I told them my back was funny, they threatened to sack me if I didn't keep working.

I got a slipped disc then, couldn't work, and they fired me anyway.

As they fired me, I don't get any benefits.

I can't work, not like this.

Have you been to a doctor? Hospital?

Yeah, yeah, all that. I need an operation.

Can't go private, so I'll have to wait a year.

I tried making a claim.

Them no-win, no-fee people who advertise on the telly.

Sharks, the lot of 'em. Didn't want to know.

I want to sue the warehouse company.

Make sure they can't do that to anyone else.

OK. I'll need some more details.

How long did you work there?

Couple of years.

-Did they have a health and safety policy?

-You've never done this kind of work, have you?

They don't bother with health and safety.

Still, if you'd worked there for two years you should've had employment rights.

Holiday pay, sick pay, all of that.

You were entitled to sick pay if you couldn't work.

They failed to ensure your safety,

but the main point is, what they did probably constitutes unfair dismissal

so you should take them to an industrial tribunal.

-In order to do that...

-OK, but the thing is I've no money. None at all.

They'll cut off the electricity if I don't pay the bill.

Is there any way you could... just 20 quid?

I don't have 20 quid.

Anything, ten would do. A loan.

I swear I'd pay you back.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

I'm busy, I'll call you back.

You don't have back problems.

What, you think I'm making it up?

The pain comes and goes.

With a slipped disc, it wouldn't.

You're a medical expert as well, are you?

No, I'm no expert. But my granddad had that and...

All right, maybe I exaggerated a bit.

We're here to give advice to people in genuine need, not con-artists!

Don't look so superior.

You don't have a clue what it's like in the outside world!

Pete. Here again?

Oh, great(!)

He'll be back.

What?

If he thinks there's anyone he can scrounge off.

What did he ask you for?

He wanted legal advice. I thought he was very convincing.

He always is. Did he get money off you?

20 quid, so he could go and visit a sick child he hasn't actually got?

It was the electricity bill. No, I didn't give him anything.

So what were you doing?

I thought I could use my skills.

No, Jack. You thought you could ignore everything you've been told.

You thought you could be a legal adviser on your first day,

without any practise or training, because you know better than everyone else.

Frankly, you deserved to have Pete make a fool of you.

Now, if you don't mind,

I need this room so I can conduct a proper advice session.

So Jack would actually have starved if he'd had to buy his own lunch?

Don't laugh.

You'll be doing the same for Joe when he grows up.

-You still haven't found it then?

-No.

I thought you had that what's-its-name, total recall?

Eidetic memory.

That's it. Why can't you remember?

-Where did you have it last?

-She gave it me in my room.

I was going to give it to you. I put it down and I can't remember where it is.

OK, we should take up the floorboards.

Zara, it's not funny!

Why don't you ring her up and tell her to come in and do it again.

I can't. She'd be embarrassed. She finds it hard enough.

-Tell her the hospital lost it.

-I'm not going to lie to her.

Why not?

You know what I do when I've got something really small I don't want to lose,

I put it in my handbag.

Karen, I haven't put it in my handbag!

-I'm only trying to help.

-I haven't put it in my handbag.

I've already looked...

Hooray! Now perhaps we can get on with some work.

You really haven't slept, have you? Come on, I'll make you some tea.

You shouldn't be here.

Who says? Going to throw me out, are you? Go on then.

Listen, darling, can I have a word?

I'm not your darling. What do you want?

-He wants to borrow some money.

-We don't give handouts.

Even if we did, we wouldn't give them to you

-All right, keep your knickers on, girlie.

-What did you just say?

You heard.

How dare you talk to me like that?

And why are you here?

-You don't deserve to be helped. Look at you! Drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

-Naz!

-This is a place for decent people, not people like you!

-Naz!

That's enough. Leave.

I'll be here if I like. I know my rights

Leave!

No-one who comes here should be spoken to like that, not even Pete.

He deserved it!

Naz. You don't let the idiots wind you up.

Even if they do, you don't show it.

I'm sorry. But how can you work with these people?

Years of practise.

Now, take a break. Calm down, have a cup of tea.

-I'm all right to carry on.

-Sure?

-Excuse me, love. I'm looking for...

-What?

I suppose you've made a mess of your life and you expect us to sort it out!

-I'm sorry. What did you want?

-Doesn't matter.

Nice one(!)

Wait! Wait! Look, sorry about that.

Do you want to talk to someone?

It's not important.

It is. You were here earlier, weren't you?

If you need some help, let us help you.

I just wanted a list of B&Bs.

-B&Bs?

-Bed and Breakfast.

I know, but are you a tourist?

No. Me and my girlfriend, we're getting chucked out of our flat.

She's pregnant. We've got nowhere to go.

If there are B&Bs that take people on benefits, maybe we can...

OK, I'm sure we can help with that.

-If you come back inside, you can speak to someone called the Gateway Assessor.

-The what?

Gateway assessor, she'll signpost you.

Pass you on to the right person.

I've only been here a day, I'm already talking the jargon!

-Thanks.

-No problem. Come on.

Speak to that lady there.

-All right. Quick briefing.

-Look, I know I've been an arrogant git and I've got everything wrong...

-Not everything.

-But I'd like another go.

You did all right today. You've learned something.

I'll expect you here, bright and early tomorrow.

-Nazneen.

-I'm sorry.

Being downright rude to someone like Pete when you've been provoked is one thing.

Being rude to a client who needs our help,

who's just plucked up the courage to come here and ask...

I know - it was appalling. I can't do this.

-OK.

-It's not just him. It's everything.

It's so depressing,

the situations people are in and often there's not much you can do.

Welcome to my world.

I don't get how people can be so stupid.

Make such a mess of their lives.

You try and help them and they're not even grateful.

It's the job, Naz.

Some clients are grateful and generally lovely.

Some are drunk, or angry, or scared, or slow,

or dishonest or plain obnoxious.

You have to try and help them all,

whether you personally like them or not.

If you can't, then you shouldn't be here.

It's not what I was expecting.

You've never failed at anything, have you?

No. Except this.

I don't usually make mistakes.

Maybe you can't succeed at this job until you know what failure feels like.

I'm sure you'll be a very good lawyer.

Right. Home time.

See you tomorrow, Jack.

-Good luck.

-You too.

BOO!

Zara, what are you doing?

And there was I thinking you'd wake up in a better mood.

You're not pregnant, are you?

No.

You're showing all the signs. Hormonal, knackered, tearful.

Believe me, I should know.

I can't be. It's not possible.

Oh? Well, maybe if you laid off all the pink stuff

he might be a little bit more interested.

Zara, it's none of your business, so just back off.

Daniel and I used to play this game.

We used to bet on how many pink things you'd wear on any given day.

The loser had to buy the other one a coffee.

I nearly always won. Daniel found it hilarious.

Shut up.

For once your life, stop getting at me you smug, arrogant bitch!

You've been doing it to me since the moment you got here.

Don't scream at me just because you're having a bad day.

Just because you can never take a joke.

-And you don't take anything seriously, do you?

-Oh!

So, you want to be taken more seriously?

Maybe if you didn't dress like a seven-year-old

and act like a pathetic child the whole time, people would!

It's not just me, Zara! You do it to everybody.

Put-downs, sarky comments, snide remarks.

You undermine everybody, you sneer at everybody.

Heaven help Joe having you as a Mum. Are you going to do the same to him?

Don't you dare.

OK, Daniel might laugh at me, but you should hear what he says about you!

He says you're a nightmare, that you're a control freak.

No wonder you have to look after Joe,

because you couldn't find a single nanny that wanted to work for you!

You do nothing but put Daniel down.

You nag at him constantly to help more with Joe

and when he does, you criticise him.

He can't even change a nappy without you ordering him around.

So when did you have this conversation with Daniel?

We had lunch, we had a drink, we got chatting.

Maybe he actually liked talking to someone who listened to him for once.

I'm sure he did.

And you were the poor sap prepared to listen.

All dewy eyes and pink lipstick!

He must've loved that!

Yeah, he did!

We came back here. We had sex.

Yeah,

just in that room on that desk.

No, Rob!

No, you're not going to Brian's!

Oh, sorry!

No, come home and have your tea with us

and we're going to listen to how Jack's day went.

OK. OK, bye!

Hey! Hey, Cherry. I found that shop.

Good.

I got some ciabatta because Jack said he liked it once.

Anyway, I'm dying to hear what he's got to say about today.

I'll see you guys tomorrow. Ta-ra!

-Zara.

-So...

..that was the huge secret.

I thought it was something important!

Isn't it?

You don't think that this would have mattered to him, do you?

I don't know why I did it. I... He...

He looked really sad, he was lost.

Oh, yes, he's really good at that when he's looking for sympathy.

It's just sex, Cherry!

It's like Daniel's favourite form of exercise.

Zara.

Just think of yourself as a little pink treadmill.

Zara, I'm...

Don't give it another thought. I'm not.

I'm really worried about him.

Oh, yeah? Really? So am I.

If he can't set his sights higher than a quickie on the desk with you,

then we're all in trouble. It's not even the Christmas party!

He's lost, Zara. He's depressed.

He's not coping.

He seems to be coping pretty well.

I feel really, really bad about it. I wish it had never happened.

Forget about it. I have.

And I'll tell you what, just don't even tell Daniel that you've told me because...

because...it is just too trivial.

Cherry!

Hi, Zara. Are you ready?

Yes.

Erm, you wanted to go for a run, didn't you?

Why don't you drop me off? I'll start on dinner.

-I can leave the run for one night. How are you feeling? How's your head?

-Yeah. I'm OK.

Listen, erm...

I know I've neglected you, OK? So, there's a surprise.

Drinks and dinner in town. I've booked a table.

How does that sound?

-Lovely.

-Come on.

I'll lock up.

OK. See you tomorrow.

SHE RETCHES

Short-list for the GP appointment. We're interviewing this afternoon.

I try to keep him involved.

I was showing him a new dance when he fell off his chair.

This is impossible. They're all talented, they're all qualified...

-All so passionate!

-How do we pick one?

Walter, he's gone.

Hey, little lady, don't you worry.

I'll find him.

-So, what can you bring to the Mill?

-Passion.

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