Walter Doctors

AMERICAN ACCENT: Are you ready, Walter?

MUSIC: "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain

# I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart

# But you've got being right down to an art... #

Walter!

Walter? What have I done?

He fell off his chair.

Please, he hates hospitals. He won't go.

There's an 11.20 with Dr Cassidy...

'We'll take it. Walter, we've got an appointment.'

11.20, it is.

Thank you.

It'll be all right, love.

Sorry, was that Walter "Smithson"?

Hello? Gone!

What's this?

Short list for the GP appointment. We're interviewing this afternoon?

-I thought that was next week?

-It got brought forward.

Great(!) Where are these interviews going to be held?

All organised - Zara's room.

This isn't a particularly short short list...

Standard's high. We're very popular...

Yeah, but where are they going to wait?

In reception.

Go home. We can manage without you. Mandy's in(!)

Please don't fuss. It's nothing.

Have it your way. Don't be a hero.

It's lack of communication that's where the system breaks down.

Walter - where are you?

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Computer says, "Uh-er." "Walter Smithson"...

"Swinson"?

Blimey. Look at you. "Men beware."

Hardly. You look a bit peaky. Are you all right?

Yeah...

Look after yourself.

How does she do it?

You told her.

After everything we discussed. You went ahead and told her anyway.

She was mean and I was angry.

Cherry - this is not a game. This is people's lives.

People with children....

I know, Mand. I feel awful about it, OK?

She isn't going to tell Daniel.

She doesn't even seem to react. She doesn't even care.

-Oh, come on...

-She's stronger than I am. She doesn't care.

It won't come off..!

What have you done?

(SHE SIGHS)

-Those for me?

-No.

-Charming(!) I have something for you, though.

Swinson, Smithson, Simmon, whatever your name is...

Ah, Walter, you don't flipping exist!

Walter? Dorit's husband?

S-I-M-P-S-O-N.

No-one likes a smart aleck.

Now, Walter's notes exist, but he doesn't.

He died. Pancreatic cancer. I signed the death certificate. You see?

Why has he got an 11.20 with Elaine, then?

Sometimes these things slip past.

He's dead! That sort of thing shouldn't slip past.

"He hates hospitals!"...

What are you doing?

I'll cancel his 11.20, and then tell his wife what I think of her...

Don't, please. Something's obviously up. I'll see her.

Happy to.

-I'll dig out her notes.

-Thank you.

This will cheer you up. I am being incredibly organised.

-What's this?

-The list of interviewees for this afternoon.

Howard's already given it me.

I was doing the list. This is another list.

That's two lists.

-I'll talk to Howard.

-Do that.

SHE SIGHS

Walter Simpson. 11.20.

-Walter Simpson?

-Yes.

What's in the box?

Walter.

Your husband?

It's not ideal, I know, but he doesn't like the light.

-Dorit Simpson?

-That's me.

Would you like to come through, please?

Thank you.

He's been out of sorts since Scarborough....

I like Scarborough.

Me, too. The Grand's lovely....

What were you doing there?

Line dancing.

It's all new to me, but I love it. And it keeps you fit.

But since I got back, Walter's different.

He's off his food, anti-social.

I try to keep him involved.

I was showing him a new dance, when he fell off his chair.

Could I take a look... ?

'Course.

He's a tortoise. You do realise that, don't you, Dorit?

Of course he's a tortoise. Do I look stupid?

No, you don't. Which is why I'm struggling slightly...

No, it's simple, love.

When Walter was...

..(dying), he got into Eastern mysticism,

which was not like him, he hated hippies.

Right...

Anyway, he blew me away when he got into this reincarnation lark,

and he promised me he'd come back.

When I said I'd wait for him,

I had no idea he was going to come back as a tortoise.

Nice flowers.

From Jimmi?

Yeah.

Lovely.

A word of advice.

I don't mind, really, but don't you think you should be

a bit more careful how you're spending your time?

What?

These flowers. They're beautiful.

But if the others saw, it could be misconstrued.

As if you had time to spend on personal matters...at work.

I said I was sorry.

I'm just pointing it out, that's all.

This is purely about your ability to do your job,

to fulfil your duties as specified by your contract

and to take responsibility for your actions.

Do you understand me?

-Yes.

-Do you?!

-How dare you.

Jimmi. It's fine...

-No, it's not fine.

-Stop, please don't.

You shouldn't talk to anyone like that - it's disgusting.

Jimmi, you're right. It is disgusting.

Come on! Please. Please.

He seems fine, but like I said, I can't examine him.

He needs to go to a vet.

We've been coming to this surgery for 20 years,

I've no intention of taking my husband to see a vet.

Dorit, is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?

Me?! No, I'm fine.

He's the one who fell off the chair.

He's become all restless.

Something's up, I know it. He used to be "Mr Calm" - now look at him.

If we could get beyond the tortoise.

-Walter.

-"Walter". To be honest, I'm more concerned about you.

When did...?

When did Walter, your husband, die?

Three years ago.

Have you heard of grief counselling?

I think it would be really useful to talk to somebody about how you feel,

about Walter.

What do you think?

If I go to this therapy...

..will you help me find out what's up with him?

I could look into it.

All right, then.

Good. Thank you. I'll get you some information.

This group meet near you. It's run by St Phil's, so...

SHE SIGHS

Mm.

Oh, come on! Argh!

SHE SIGHS

Hello, everybody. If you'd like to take a seat,

and we'll be with you shortly.

-Yep?

-I'm here for the interview. For the GP position?

Take a seat.

Zara.

Are you stalking me as well now?

I don't know what you want,

but I'm begging you, please don't tell Jimmi.

Why on earth would I do anything that you ask?

Please...

I think he has every right to know what a sap he's being, don't you?

He's not like you, Zara. He won't be able to handle it.

I think he might surprise you.

You know, I didn't think anyone cherished monogamy more than

Princess Bubblegum, and now look at you.

All secrets and lies in the car park.

Jimmi's stronger than you give him credit for.

Tell you what, since we're all playing spin the bottle,

how about I take him for a quick spin?

Compare notes.

So, what've you got in there then?

Ah, yes. Oh, hello. It's a tortoise. I'm looking after him.

I don't think he's very well.

-Oh, dear. Best have a look then, hadn't we?

-Thank you.

Allow me.

Come on, let's have a look.

Oh. This is Walter!

Yes. Do you know him?

Of course I do - he's my brother!

A first from Durham, medical conversion from Cambridge. Wow!

Voluntary work, head of debating society, swimming, caving,

sailing. You've been busy.

My mother's fault. She always insisted I said yes to everything.

Everything? Very liberal of her.

Sorry?

Nothing.

With a CV like yours, why do you want to come here?

To this tepid little backwater?

A number of reasons. But they do have links with St Phil's.

That's got a top notch cardiology department.

The long game. Like it!

Why do you want to work here?

I don't. I want to work in Birmingham.

12 interviews later, it's any port in a storm.

A word of advice.

If you showed a little passion, you might fare better.

-Oh, you're back.

-I went shopping.

Dr Cassidy's taken Walter out. Won't be long.

-Take a seat - if you can find one.

-What?!

Take a seat!

Here.

Thank you, love. Take a weight off.

I'm just waiting for my husband.

He's gone off with one of the doctors.

Hire him out, do you(?)

Cheeky. He's not very well, like.

He fell off a chair this morning.

Oh, dear. Is he OK?

I think so, he's quite robust. He's only five.

Sorry for the delay, everybody. Thank you for bearing with us.

Attention!

Welcome to the Mill, everybody. Thank you for your patience.

There's obviously been a bit of an admin mix up.

But we'll be rattling through you all in no time at all.

So, first up - Annie Fine!

Come on down.

Shell's intact, eyes bright.

I'd say he's in top shape.

What's wrong with him, then?

I've no idea. It's a mystery.

As Dorit's GP, I know she's very concerned about your brother.

Look.

I know it's odd - but I did it all for the right reasons.

It was your idea?

No! Dorit's. She was heartbroken.

She spotted this fella here, and was convinced he was Walter.

What could I do?

I thought it might help her get over his death.

I gave him to her and played along.

-Did it?

-What?

Help her get over his death?

I don't know. Perhaps.

They were always close.

That's not changed.

Here.

-Thank you.

-Let me open the door.

Nice boots.

-Thank you.

-You into country and western, then?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Yes Ma'am.

You're looking at the five times Midlands Over-60s

Line Dancing Champion.

Am I now?

D'you find out what was up with him?

No.

I took him to the pet shop for an expert opinion.

They couldn't find anything either.

Pet shop?

Flintstone Pets, on the High Street.

I met Walter's brother, George.

He's a nice man.

Yes. He is.

Turns out he's into line dancing, too.

Walter doesn't need to hear this.

You wait out here, love. I'll be back in a bit.

Thank you very much. It was lovely to meet you. We'll be in touch.

This is impossible. They're all talented, they're all qualified.

All so passionate!

How do we pick one?

Make them do an assault course.

PHONE RINGS

'Will you get a move on, they're getting restless!'

It's proving tricky, Karen...

It's tougher than we thought...

'Do I care?

'We've had a walk out and I'm about to throw the rest of them out.'

-It was his fault.

-You invited the world and his mum!

-Me?!

'Stop it! Just come up with a question that sorts the wheat from the chaff.'

BOTH: Like what?

'I don't know, I'm just "admin". Be quick.

'Penny Burt, please!'

-What question?

-I don't know.

-I've got one! Quick sit down...

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Come in.

Hello.

Pleasure to meet you.

-How d'you do?

-Hi.

Please take a seat.

There's one question we're asking straight off the bat.

Right.

What would you bring to the Mill?

Passion.

MUSIC: "Absolutely Me" by Caro Emerald

I'm passionate about medicine.

I'm passionate about all the work I do.

Especially professionally, I'd say more so.

Passionate about the medicine.

I've got a particular passion...

-I'm really passionate about...

-Passion.

-Passion.

-Cardiology is something...

-Medicine is my...

-My passion for medicine.

I should have you told you earlier.

I know exactly what's up with Walter.

I've not been honest.

SHE SIGHS

Walter was always a tremendous lover.

Always so passionate.

I loved it.

But he was also jealous.

Which I didn't like so much.

He knows I went to Scarborough with George...

and he's furious.

You can't blame yourself.

I mean, the Grand, the sea air. Things are bound to happen.

I've started having feelings for my husband's brother

but nothing happened.

Of course not.

So why do I feel so guilty?

You've got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't do anything.

We won a trophy.

I never won a trophy with Walter.

Things change.

They have to. Nothing stays the same.

You have to move on.

We were each other's lives. How could I betray him?

I think you underestimate Walter.

I think if you explained to him that you found love again,

with a person, he'd understand.

He wouldn't want to deprive you of your chance of happiness.

Go on. Bring him in. Tell him.

Walter?!

What is it?

-He's gone. He overheard us.

-Well, he can't have got far.

You don't know Walter at all, do you? I told you he was the jealous type!

Why did I listen to you?

Walter?!

-So, what can you bring to the Mill?

-Packed lunch?

Joke. What do you mean, "What would I bring?"

-Personally.

-Oh.

Well, take it as read I come with the prerequisite skills.

I'm good with people, got my own teeth.

What else?

You've got my CV, haven't you?

It's right here.

There you go, then.

You've had some great results.

I worked hard.

Yeah, but these references are glowing.

"I have no hesitation in recommending Jasmine Khellah to anyone."

"Her consistently accurate prognosis of patients is second-to-none.

"She is more than halfway to being a first-class GP."

Impressive stuff.

The second one's from my dad.

Do you actually want to work here?

It's just we've had a lot of applicants today expressing

their desire to work at the Mill.

"It's my life's desire to work at the Mill, blah, blah"?

I can give you that, but it's not me.

What is you, then? At the moment we're none the wiser.

OK. Let's be frank.

I am passionate about medicine.

Always have been. Always will be.

If I had the money, I would specialise further.

I'd specialise till I was the most qualified doctor ever.

I love it. But I haven't got the money.

It's run out. So I'm here, in Letherbridge.

That doesn't mean you're going to get second best Jas.

That means if I get the job, I'll do my very best.

Which I promise you, will be enough.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Sorry. We've lost Walter. He's not here, is he?

Lost him?!

Don't ask.

Sorry about this.

-Who's Walter?

-A tortoise.

He's not here!

Sorry. Thanks anyway.

-Please accept our apologies. That's not normal.

-No worries.

Right, I think I've heard enough. Howard?

Erm, just one more question.

Do you have a boyfriend? Plans for a family?

You can't ask me that.

Can't I?

I think it's illegal?

I think she's right.

Julia sent us on a fair selection course last year...

I'm sorry...

No worries. I'm not bothered.

I'm actually single at the moment.

Far too busy looking for a job to be bothered with a man.

George. It's me. Walter's found out about us.

He's run away.

How did it go?

So-so. Won't be holding my breath.

Me, neither. I think today's been a complete waste of time.

This place is more interesting than my last 12 interviews put together.

Plus there's a runaway tortoise in the mix.

-What?

-That's what they're looking for. A tortoise called Walter.

I hate tortoises.

Don't.

She wasn't desperate or gushing. I liked her.

-Her sense of humour was very trying.

-That was nerves.

-She got on MY nerves. I couldn't work with her.

-OK, what do you want?

-Penny.

-Penny Burt, no thanks.

She knew what she wanted, she was keen. She was...

Dull. She had no edge.

We're looking for a doctor. What has "edge" got to do with anything?

This morning, with Cherry...

there's something I wanted to say to you.

Me, too. I'm glad you brought it up.

I'm sorry.

-What?

-I was out of line. I didn't need to lay into you like that.

Cherry's vulnerable at the moment. Something to do with Freya, I think,

but I had no right to jump down your throat.

It was private between a member of the nursing staff and a partner.

I was out of line.

Right.

Apology accepted.

And Annie Fine.

Thank you so much for coming, and your patience.

I know it's been a bit of a wait.

What if he's getting his own back?

What do you mean?

He could be in one of their bags?

Heading off with one of these young ladies.

I don't think everyone sees Walter as you do.

Excuse me, our names haven't been called. What does that mean?

It means you've made the short list. Congratulations.

Really? Did you hear that?

CRUNCHING

Walter!

Oh no.

Eggs. Just eggs.

I can't work here...

It's not like this all the time, honest.

I can't. Sorry!

Dorit! What's going on, then?

Walter, he's gone. He's gone, George.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Hey, little lady, don't you worry.

I'll find him.

Promise.

I didn't tell him.

Thank you.

Walter! How did you get in there?

Come on.

-Here he is!

-Ah!

He was in the boiler room.

Oh, you naughty thing, I've been so worried about you!

What were you doing in there?

I think I know.

What is it?

You know when we went to Scarborough?

It's all right, George, the doctor knows.

Oh, right.

We took Walter to the pet shop, didn't we?

My assistant put him in the display with the other male tortoises

and, erm...

that was a mistake.

You see...

Walter's not a Walter.

I mean, I thought he was when I gave him to you, but he's not.

I don't understand.

Dorit, love...

Walter's a girl.

During our weekend away,

I think Walter had a bit of a weekend with the boys.

That's why he's behaving oddly, having mood swings and the like.

He's nesting.

My Walter's having babies?!

The job's yours.

Really? That's brilliant! I can't believe it.

It was a close call but, erm, due to circumstances...

-Congratulations!

-Thank you, so much. I won't let you down, I promise.

We're glad you're so keen. We'd like you to start as soon as possible. How does Thursday and Friday sound?

It sounds part-time?

It is. It's a part-time contract.

I thought it was a permanent contract...

It's a permanent part-time contract. As advertised.

Is that a problem?

I've made a mistake. I can't afford to work part-time.

I've worked my balls off for more than a decade. For what?

A stack load of debt and a part-time job?

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Stop! You know it's a tough market out there,

and we'd really like you to work here. Think about it.

He's very handsome...

He's not Walter, though.

Nor's Walter.

You're right.

If Walter's moved on, then...

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Little lady?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Why, thank you, sir.

Part-time?! How's anyone supposed to survive?

Talk about employer's market. What am I going to do for money?

Gina's going to chuck me out for... I owe so much money...!

HORN BEEPS

SHE SOBS

Are you OK?

Yes, thank you.

It's just you were...

I know, talking to myself. I do that.

Right, are you here for an appointment?

Ha! You think...? You think I'm some kind of...

SHE LAUGHS

..a patient? Because of...

The day just gets better, which is unusual for me(!)

I take it you work here?

Yes, I'm Jimmi Clay, one of the doctors.

Me, too. Jas.

Registrar. Joining you in a couple of days.

Part-time, it turns out.

Weren't expecting that, were you?

It's bad enough losing you both this afternoon.

You could some work while you're here.

On an ancient burial ground was it built,

the first Lord of Coulterdale was kicked to death by his own horses.

Can you reinvent the wheel on the sweet trolley...

..and bake your way to immortality?

How was that girl? You were with her a really long time.

Yeah. We managed to get to the bottom of it.

Now she can get the treatment she wants.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd