The Artist Doctors

HEAVY BREATHING

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

-This your artwork, is it?

-Sorry, mate, got to go.

You're going nowhere, mate.

Whatever!

Ah, there you are.

Jed. What's happened?

Nothing's happened.

Zara's given me a list of various things she needs, clothes and so on.

Well, why don't give me ten minutes to freshen up?

If you don't mind, I'd like to get this over with.

Sorry, the place is a bit of a mess.

Yeah, I noticed.

She's given me fairly detailed instructions,

-so it shouldn't take long.

-Well, why don't I go through the list,

and you could pop round the corner and get a coffee.

There's no need. I'm perfectly capable of...

DOOR CLOSES

Have you got someone with you?

-No. Of course not.

-Morning. So that'll be four hundred...

Oh, I can explain.

Don't bother!

How about we go through to my office, and discuss the cleaning bill.

-I don't think so.

-OK, we'll call the police.

No, I'm really sorry. Please don't call the police.

Aaargh!

Oi!

I'm really sorry if I messed things up for you.

Don't worry.

Was that your dad?

Just go, please.

Right. I'm off.

Look, I know this doesn't look good,

but I've been under a lot of stress at work recently.

Yes, I used to suffer from stress. That's why I took up fishing.

But I suppose we all have different methods.

-But I...

-Don't waste your breath.

You know, I kept telling Zara she should give you another chance.

Now I realise she had a lucky escape.

Sometimes I wonder what the world is coming to.

Well, maybe not the whole world, just a few bad eggs.

It only takes one rotten egg to ruin the whole pavlova.

Mrs Tembe, I can't really wear this shirt.

Is there anything in lost property?

It is not Savile Row, but I will take a look.

You know, what gets me is that he felt free

to splatter me with paint,

yet if I'd laid one finger on him I'd have been arrested

for assaulting a minor.

Well, if I saw him, believe me,

I know many ways to bring a young man to submission.

If you see him, I very much hope you tell me first.

If you say so.

Now...

This is the only garment that I could find that is in your...

Size.

Morning, Mrs Tembe!

Yes... Good morning, good morning, Dr Clay!

Well, I suppose it'll have to do.

I'm not surprised whoever left it didn't return for it.

There was an incident involving a young man with a paintball gun

and an aerosol.

Morning!

Nobody told me it was dress down Friday.

Who was he?

I don't know. Just some random, feral youth.

-That's not very helpful.

-What?

Calling young people feral. They are people after all.

Of course! I didn't realise you were all for hugging hoodies.

I wouldn't go as far as that, but with all the problems in the world -

broken families, cyberbullying - a lot of young people

have very hard lives.

Well, thank goodness I was around for him

to express his creativity on.

Morning!

How was last night?

-What?

-You and Daniel?

Oh yeah, yeah, it was great. Had a right laugh.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Zara Carmichael.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Daniel, Howard.

Oh, yes.

-Where are you?

-Erm...

I'm so sorry...

I must have lost track of time.

That's no excuse! I need you here pronto.

Yes, of course. Yep.

Typical.

Well, I'm sorry, but I've never heard of him.

Mum, he's Kingsley Apollo. He's like the next Damien Hirst.

Oh, right! And who's he when he's at home?

Oh, Karen. You don't know who Damien Hirst is?

He's only one of the foremost pioneers of the Brit Art movement,

famous for his pickled shark and dissected sheep.

She showed me on Wikipedia.

So what are you going to be doing?

He hasn't said, but I think that he wants me to do some modelling.

Oh wow! You could be like the Mona Lisa.

In years to come, you could be on biscuit tins.

How can you work for him, and go to art school?

I thought you wanted to get some qualifications under your belt.

I can still do both. And in this industry personal contact

is much more important,

and this is a great chance for me to get some hands-on experience.

Yeah, it's where this Kingsley puts his hands that worries me.

I knew you'd be like this!

You're so small-minded, and petty, and bourgeois!

Hey, I never knew I was bourgeois.

Why do you have to be such a wet blanket?

She's got the chance to work with a local artist.

Oh... Right, that's why you're so keen?

-What?

-Working with a local artist?

You think she might stay in Letherbridge?

I don't know, could be.

Yeah, well, I've met this bloke,

and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

No surprise there. But can we at least go to this thing tonight,

show support?

I fully intend to.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in!

Ah, Dr Cassidy! What can I do you for?

I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I seemed unsympathetic earlier.

What are you doing?

I found this.

That little...useful member of society left his phone behind.

I was hoping to find his contact details,

-and maybe get in touch with his parents.

-I see.

And you may find this interesting.

-What is it?

-It's a gallery.

Of all his glorious graffiti.

He's put his tag on half of Letherbridge.

No doubt you think that it's vital self-expression.

I do, actually.

I'm not saying I approve, but graffiti can be a young person's

way of stamping their identity on a landscape they may find hostile.

But is it art?

MUSIC: "Strange News From The Other Star" by Blur

Oi mate, what are you doing?!

Go on, get lost!

Don't you stare at me!

What's going on?

Some little vandal's just sprayed his crud

all over my rear entrance.

You can say it was a guest work of art.

I don't think anybody would pay six million quid for that, do you?

I'm sure that no-one will see it.

I don't think you realise how much this means to me.

I gave blood, sweat and tears to buy this place.

I mean Blood, Sweat and Tears, the sculpture I sold to Tate Modern.

I saw that! The one of a little boy crying,

-made from your own bodily fluids.

-Mhmm.

That's right. And that little boy was me.

You know, I'm crying for all the critics who said

I wouldn't make it.

All those teachers who said, "Stop dreaming."

That's why you must never stop dreaming.

Promise me that, Imogen.

That you'll never give up your dream.

Is everything all right, Mr Bellamy?

Not exactly, no.

I've just been on the phone to the father

-of our little painter and decorator.

-What did he say?

Well, I can't tell you the exact words, but essentially he told me

to Foxtrot Oscar.

I am appalled.

This whole country is going to hell in a handcart.

Well, we can try and pull it back from the brink.

But thanks to our database, I've managed to find out where he lives.

So I think it's time for a home visit.

So, let me know if you have any problems with the medication.

Otherwise, I'll see you in six weeks.

Oi, oi! Who's the dirty stop-out?

What?

So, what's it like being young, free and back on the love train?

What's it like to be a walking cliche?

Sorry, mate, I was only trying to be friendly.

Yeah, well, I decided to upgrade my circle of friends.

Nice knowing you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Doctor Granger, it's Sarah here from Wonderkids Toys.

-Yes?

-You ordered a junior activity gym from us six weeks ago.

Do you remember?

Oh...

Well, it's in stock now, so we just wondered

when you were going to come and collect it?

I'll collect it soon, thank you.

I don't know what's got into him.

Well, he has just lost his son and his girlfriend.

So you'd think he'd want to hold onto the few friends he's got left.

Yeah, I think he's finding it tough.

He's a survivor. He'll pull through.

All right, mate.

Mr Potts. We spoke on the phone earlier.

Howard Bellamy, Mill Health Centre.

-Get lost.

-Not till I've given you this bill for your son's activities.

-What?!

-Dry cleaning £20. Damage to wall £50.

I also think we should talk about your son's welfare.

You are not getting one penny of my money!

That's what you think.

Hiya, tenner, was it?

-Yes.

-There you go.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-There you go, mate.

-Thanks.

Now we can talk about your son's behaviour over pizza.

I've got nothing to say to you!

OK. Do you want me to call the police or Social Services?

I don't give a monkey's.

I couldn't care if he poured paint all over your poxy medical practice.

I see.

Have you got a problem with the Mill Health Centre?

Yeah.

You murdered my wife.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Hey. How's it going?

-How's what going?

-You know...stuff.

Eh... What do you think?!

I know things are bad, but do you fancy going out for a drink tonight?

I'm not in the mood for your bromance, thank you.

Look, I know how you must be feeling.

How can you possibly know how I feel?

Because if anything happened to Cherry, I'd be devastated.

Don't compare Cherry to Zara!

Zara is a woman. Princess Pinky is an inflatable doll.

You only married her because you couldn't face up to somebody actually challenging you.

So why don't you go home and give her a good seeing to,

create a couple of android kids,

because that's the only thing that's going to save your marriage.

Wow.

OK...

I came in here because I wanted to help,

but if you're going to attack

everyone who cares about you, then fine. I'm past caring.

Mr Potts... What exactly do you mean?

If you're not going to talk about your wife, can we please discuss your son?

-He's running round Letherbridge, causing mayhem.

-And whose fault is that?

He hasn't got a mother, thanks to you lot.

She went to the doctors,

with a stomach pain.

They said it was indigestion.

It was cancer.

By the time they found out, it was too late.

Symptoms can be overlooked for lots of different reasons.

Oh yeah, wriggle out of it. Use big words.

But at the end of the day, my boy lost his mother.

Whatever happened to your wife - and I don't doubt how devastating

it's been, your main priority now is your son,

who's got all this anger inside him.

You think I don't know? You think I haven't tried?

I don't even know where he is.

He spends half the day sleeping, the other half drawing -

stars, planets, galaxies.

What does he do that for?

It's like he's a spaceman.

He's not normal.

MUSIC: "Strange News From Another Star" - Blur

OK, earthlings!

Time's winged chariot is pegging its way towards us,

so let's make a start on the art.

Now remember - this is not about pretty pictures,

it's about subtextual Semtex.

OK?

So I think it's time to blow everyone's mind.

Get to work, people!

Wait for this.

Right, Mrs Tembe, I'm off.

Well, I still have a few things to sort out, so I will lock up.

Though I have organised a cleaning team to come in tomorrow morning.

Right. Thank you.

It still amazes me that one so young can cause such havoc.

Well, I don't think our paintballing Picasso has had

the happiest of lives.

That is still no excuse.

No...

But I suspect his artwork may have a hidden meaning.

See you Monday.

Kyle!

This what you're looking for?

HE SIGHS

Well...I think it's lovely what he's done with the place.

It's supposed to be an art gallery, so where is all the art?

It's all art, isn't it? The walls,

the floor, the waitresses, canapes...

That's what I'm worried about - that I go to the toilet

and pee on a masterpiece.

Well you'll just have to keep your legs crossed, won't you!

Champagne? Oh, no!

We're just trying to be supportive!

I see that Kingsley is making good use of you.

Dad, this is a really good opportunity for me

to meet local artists and local gallery owners.

And do what, ask them what they want to drink?

Well, I think it's lovely what he's done with the place.

It'll be really nice when it's finished.

It is finished!

This is the gallery. It's open for business.

So where's all the art?

All I can see is a knackered old fridge.

SHE SIGHS

OK, the exhibition is called "Night Cravings".

It's about the darker side of human desire.

So inside every studio is a fridge,

and inside each fridge is something that someone

might find they have a craving for.

Like a nice piece of cheesecake?

Not exactly.

Right. Well, let's go and have a look, shall we?

You're really good, you know.

Go away!

I'd be happy to. I just want a word.

How about "bog off"?

Look, I'm not your enemy.

I just want to talk to you about your mum.

-Kyle...

-Argh!

"The dark side of human desire"? The man's a pervert.

Is that what I think it is?!

I don't know. I've never seen one from this angle before.

Ugh!

If that's someone's deepest desire,

then this world is sicker than I thought.

-Rob?

-What?

-What's Immie let herself in for?

-Don't look now.

-What?

-It's Kingsley.

ALL APPLAUD

Let me tie this around your hand.

Stop the bleeding.

Not going to say anything?

Fine, be like that.

You'll live. I've seen worse.

-When?

-When I was in the army.

But I thought you were a doctor.

No. Ex-soldier.

I just give orders to doctors and nurses these days.

Have you ever killed anyone?

-Have you ever thought about joining the army?

-Why?

-You meet interesting people.

-Yeah, and shoot them.

Spoke to your dad.

He told me all about your mother.

It was an awful thing that happened.

Even if they'd known what was wrong with her,

it was too late to do anything.

It was just...

..just the worst thing in the world.

Yeah.

Also, saw photos of all your graffiti,

and the buildings you've climbed to paint.

It's dangerous. Why do you do it?

Because...

I miss my mum.

I want to talk to her.

I just want to spend one more day with her.

Her name was Stella.

Right.

And now it's like she's watching over me.

Yeah. Maybe she is.

Right. Well, I need another drink.

And I'm certainly not going to look for one in that fridge for one.

What did you think?

-About what?

-The artwork. The installation.

-The artwork? Erm...

-Interesting.

He's very interesting. Very expressive.

Of what?

Of man's inhumanity to man, possibly.

Look, you can be honest.

Kingsley's work is all about cutting through social convention

and being true to yourself, so you can actually tell me what you feel.

-I hated it.

-What a disgusting thing to do. I mean the smell of it...

I know! I think there's something wrong with the fridge -

-maybe it needs defrosting.

-Typical!

-What?

I knew you wouldn't get it.

At least everyone else here can see what he's trying to do.

You guys can't even see past your own prejudice.

Well, there you go. You see?

Honesty - not always the best policy.

It only seems like yesterday when she was drawing little pictures of us

on her blackboard.

Yeah, and now we've become Mr and Mrs Uneducated.

Is that what we're supposed to do?

We have to pretend that we like this rubbish?

Yeah, I think it is. That's what everyone else seems to be doing.

ARTIST CLAPS

OK, everyone, listen up!

I'd like to say a few words.

DOOR CLOSES

Hi, Dad. All right?

What?

Dad, I'm like really hungry, so I thought maybe I could get

one of mum's old recipe books and try and make some food.

OK?

Oh, no.

-What?

-You've wet yourself, again!

So that's... That's the mission of my new gallery - to bring

a bit of glamour and excitement into your dull, everyday lives.

ALL LAUGH

Now, many people ask me, "Why move back to Letherbridge?"

Well, I think it's a crying shame that most people,

most talented people, move to London.

So I have decided -

like a salmon swimming upstream -

to return to the place that spawned me.

And who knows, I may even uncover a little bit of brilliance here.

ALL LAUGH

Oi! What are you doing!?

I'm just trying to clean it off.

Oh. Don't worry about that now. Get yourself home, lad.

-I'm not going home.

-What?

I just phoned my granddad.

He says I can go and stay with him for a bit,

because I can't stay with my dad no more.

You know your dad is finding it hard to cope at the moment.

He's not even trying.

There's somebody here who organises family therapy.

-I could book you both in.

-No.

You know your dad hasn't got what you've got.

You've got a real talent.

Art can be a great way to express yourself

and what you're going through.

Yeah, but it's not really art, is it?

Of course it is.

And you're good at it.

I just wish you would do it on paper, that's all.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I mean by art.

It's a cry of pain, from a boy who lost his mother.

It's a love song to a woman who had to take out a restraining order

because I used a naked photo of her in one of my exhibitions.

ALL LAUGH

But, most of all, it's about connections.

You guys will never know what it's like to live inside my dark,

twisted mind, but with this artwork, I give you a gift...

The gift...of me.

OK? Thank you very much.

Is he for real?

That depends what you mean by "real".

I've never seen such a pig-headed, pig-ignorant...pig!

I told you.

I know, but I thought that was you just being you.

And most of the people here think

the sun shines out of his art...work.

Oh, great.

Here.

-What's this?

-A disclaimer.

It gives them permission to film you and put it on the telly.

-Now, please leave.

-What's going on?

This is a reporter who registered as a patient.

Feeling better?

That's the all-seeing eye, and I'd like you to finish it.

I don't think that I can.

But I say you will.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd