Curtain Call Doctors

'Welcome back, you're listening to Letherbridge University Radio.

'OK, so it's time to tell you about a special event

'happening this evening.

'For one night only, the staff from the Mill Health Centre

'will be taking to the stage for Talent Spectacular,

'a charity gala show raising money for our local youth club.

'Putting themselves in the firing line will be

'a team of talented doctors and nurses showing you things

'that they didn't learn at medical school.

'And casting a critical eye over the proceedings will be a woman

'who doesn't suffer fools gladly.

'Yes, our mystery guest judge is sure to bring a hilarious edge to proceedings.

'So, if you want a guaranteed good night out, then

'tickets are just £10 and will be available on the door...'

Because nobody's bought any! Oi!

Em! Here's your dress.

Ta-da!

Oh. Thanks, Karen. I might have to do something about the hem.

It's, um...yeah....thank you.

Oh, whatever.

Oh, it'll be so much fun. The Supremes, reunited!

Supreme disappointment, more like.

You're not even doing a Diana Ross song.

Yeah, well, it's not in my register.

What are you doing then? A Barry White number?

All very well, you sitting there sniggering,

but I hope you've bought your tickets.

You are coming?

I can think of better things to do with my spare time.

Oh, yeah, of course.

You've got that, erm, that award-winning novel to finish, haven't you?

And how's that cure for cancer coming along?

This close. Ugh!

You're coming, Jimmi, surely?

No, if I turn up they'll want me to sing, and I've done that before, haven't I? Lonely at the top, is it?

Oh, come on, you two. It's for a good cause.

No. We found a better one.

The pursuit of real ale.

You're going to the pub?

Yeah. We're going to sample the rare delights of Letherbridge Longing.

Sounds like one of those DVDs you keep buying off the internet.

Mm! It's a special brew, it's only available one month of the year

and I've managed to persuade the Icon to stock it.

Well, the least you can do is buy a couple of tickets, even if you don't come and see the show.

You miserable sods.

If I don't get back for the show, please apologise to Chris.

It's very sad, but patient welfare must come first.

I do not recall putting a call through to you from Mr Chivers.

Well, I gave him my mobile in case of emergencies.

Oh, now, Dr Carter, when you spoke to him,

did he also mention that he passed away last Tuesday? No.

He didn't, did he?

Well, Chris doesn't know that.

You are asking me to lie for you. Well, bend the truth a little.

I am surprised. I thought that you'd be very keen to appear onstage.

Well, normally, yes, but these performances take such a lot out of me.

It's not just singing a song,

it's sharing a glimpse of my soul with the audience.

Urgent house calls. Please!

All ready for this evening, Mrs Tembe?

I have been reading up about this Mr Simon Cowell.

He is a most unpleasant man.

Yeah, well, that's...that's kind of the point.

He has an over-inflated sense of his own self importance.

I do not know why you think I am like him.

No, no, no. People like him because he tells the truth, all right,

no matter how difficult it is to hear.

And it's...it's his straight-talking honesty,

you know, that made me think of you.

Do you really think so? Yeah, yeah, you know,

what this show needs is someone who can cut through all those egos

and just tell people like it is, and I think you're that woman.

Oh, well, er, thank you, Nurse Reid.

So, you've been here all day. How's everyone getting on?

Dr Carter is hiding in his office.

Thank you. And the others?

Mr Bellamy has phoned in with a "sore throat".

And he will not be able to make this evening's performance.

But he has made a very generous donation.

Really? Mm!

Oh, fair enough.

Thank you, Mrs T, I knew I could count on you.

Heston.

Heston. I can see your feet.

Yes, I'm just checking the curtain.

It's been playing up a bit.

Right. Tech rehearsal is at six, please. OK.

One of us has got to go. Why?

Because we're partners! And because I told Chris that we would.

That you would.

If anyone is going to see the show that talent forgot,

it is most definitely you.

OK. Let's draw straws.

Let's see what you got, Tiger.

Hold on. There.

Ha! Have fun!

HE CHUCKLES

Hello?

PHONE RINGS

Chris? Hello.

You have got to be kidding me!

So what's happening? Not a lot.

We're locked out.

I've called the manager's mobile and he forgot that we had a booking,

so Zara's gone to get the keys from the caretaker.

Well how long is that going to take? I need time to acquaint myself with the stage.

I'm sure she won't be long. It's very unprofessional.

That's because I'm having to do everything by myself, Heston.

I've got no-one to help with front of house, the lighting or anything else.

The marketing campaign is me with a felt tip pen.

So yes, it's probably not what you're used to.

You're doing a great job, Chris. Yeah.

Did you get the key? No, I just came to see the sights.

Yes, of course I've got the stupid key.

Hang on. Where are you going?

Anywhere but here. But we need your help.

You've already had my help. Surely it's somebody else's turn.

Well, well, I was thinking that you could be front of house.

You are joking? Do I look like an usherette?

Please.

I am not wearing a uniform.

Damn. Deal.

All right. Hang on a minute.

We have light!

Is that our set?

HE SIGHS

Well, I guess it'll have to be, all right?

I can't give my Mikado with a giant teapot in the background.

It'll look ridiculous.

At least it'll give the audience something entertaining to look at.

Right, can you all just go backstage, please,

and find our dressing rooms.

Men are on the left, women on the right.

And where's mine?

Well, if you're a man, then it's on the left

and if you're a woman... I can't be expected to share!

I need somewhere to prepare, mentally and physically.

Right. Well, there's a room at the end of the corridor.

You can use that. How come he gets his own room?

Because life's not fair. Kev...

Right, I need you to operate the lighting board when I'm onstage.

I'll be able to do it the rest of the time.

And somewhere, there should be personal microphones for everybody.

Professional opera singers don't use microphones.

Well, considering we don't have any professional opera singers here,

I thought it might be better if they could hear what you were saying.

Not necessarily. Right! Can we just get a move on, please?

Yes, yes, all right, all right! And where's Mrs Tembe?

I need to run through the opening of the show.

Kev, please get your head round this lighting board. All right, sweet.

That's more like it.

I am so sorry I am late.

I took a little short cut.

Yeah, and arrived 20 minutes later than everyone else.

I did not say it was an effective short cut.

Right. There's your chair.

Could you not find something smaller?

No.

Now, do I have to stay here for all of the performances?

It's just I have a little church meeting that... Yes, you do.

You've got to sit there, watch the acts and then deliver your verdict.

It's just I do not want to speak ill of anyone.

Oh, don't worry about abuse, they work with Zara.

Hey!

Sorry.

OK, so we kick off with a classic magic trick.

Actually, I have a problem with it.

Right, and you didn't think to mention this before?

Why is it always the woman that gets sawn in half?

I mean, I just think it's a male fantasy about control.

OK. Well, maybe you can start a discussion group

about it in the bar afterwards.

But for now, can we just press on, please?

All right. If you insist. Kev! Track one, please, dude.

WOMBLES MUSIC PLAYS

What is that? Track one!

I gave them the CD days ago, they said they'd have it ready.

I can't see it.

Right, forget it. I'll look later. Let's just get on.

Right, OK.

I will now saw this lady in half.

I'm not a lady, I'm a woman.

I will now saw this feminist in half.

Agh! Sorry.

Are you all OK? I'm going to kill you, Tyler.

Just after the show, please?

OK. Yeah.

Let's just pretend we're at the end of the trick,

and we go over to Mrs Tembe for comments.

Are you not going to take the saw out of her?

Yes. Later. Just tell me what you thought of the performance.

Right, well, I thought it was very nice.

And?

It was wonderful.

Well, is that it?

You can be as honest as you like.

Oh, for pity's sake! It was an abomination.

They managed to mess up what is literally the oldest trick in the book.

She is at least a generation too old

to be doing something like this and there is literally no

excuse for anyone born later than 1895 to be wearing a hat like that.

I would sooner gnaw my own arm off than willingly sit through

an act like that again.

Um, yeah, yeah. Something a little more like that, Mrs Tembe.

Excuse me...hello?

If someday it may happen... Oh, for heaven's sake!

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That a victim may be found.

I've got a little list.

RECORD PLAYS OUT OF SYNC

Turn them down!

You are doing very well, Dr Carter.

Amateurs!

Hiya!

Oh, nice of you to grace us with your presence.

Somebody had to lock up.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

You have got to be kidding me! What?

You just said you were going to turn the hem up.

Well, I just decided to, erm, accessorise a bit.

You look like an explosion in a glitter factory.

You're going to take the attention from Mand. So?

So! I'm Diana Ross. You're just a Supreme.

Well, you can't even sing her songs properly.

I'd like to see you try. I would, but I wouldn't want to show you up.

Oh, I couldn't possibly compete with one of the finest singers of her generation.

You know, if you want to take centre stage, knock yourself out.

Fine, if you insist. Good. Sorted then.

What's going on?

Don't ask.

Hello? Is this on? Can you turn it up?

Turn it up. Up!

Oh, that's better.

Are you singing a solo?

Yes. What's wrong with that?

I've heard you in the shower.

Yes, well, the acoustics are all wrong in the bathroom.

Anyway, you don't know what I'm capable of.

No, I'm...I'm pretty sure I do, Mum. That's...that's the problem.

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be...

Diana Ross.

Wrong show.

Let's get started, shall we?

I shall be singing "Stop, In The Name Of Love"...

because I can.

I haven't got any backing music. I don't need music.

No, you really do.

Let's get going. Shall we?

One, two, three, four...

There she is.

Letherbridge Longing.

This is the champagne of Birmingham real ale.

Cheers. Mud in your eye.

Yeah, there's...

Yeah.

I mean...there's a hint of...

It tastes like fertiliser. Yeah.

# Stop in the name of love

# Before you break my heart

# Think it oh-oh-ver

# Think it oh-oh-ver... #

Stop!

In the name of all that is good in the world.

Never have I heard such a thing in my life.

Oh, thank you, Mrs Tembe.

It was as if a cat was being strangled in a wind tunnel.

But worse.

I have never heard a human being make such a noise.

It is the very opposite of music.

How dare you speak to me like that?

How dare I?

After what you have subjected us to, I can say whatever I like.

Quite right, Mrs Tembe.

No, just wait a minute, you two. I have heard quite enough.

I am going to lie awake screaming at the memory of a...

of a cherished song being ruined for ever.

Exit stage left. No, no, no. Wait, wait! I'll sing another song.

A different song... No, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot allow that.

It would be irresponsible of me

to allow such an evil to escape into the world.

Fine, well, if that's what you all think,

then you can do the show without me.

No, Mum!

I...I...I did not mean to upset her.

I was just speaking my mind, like you said.

I do not want anyone throwing eggs at me.

Don't worry, Mrs Tembe.

That was exactly what I wanted from you.

Next act, please.

No-one has ever spoken to me like that before.

Really? She's doing what she's been asked to.

She's meant to be our resident Simon Cowell.

Really? Well, she wouldn't know talent if it bit her.

'I don't see why we couldn't just get a proper judge in.

'I mean someone who knows what they're talking about.'

Emma's mic is still on. Chris.

'I try and help out, and this is the thanks I get.

'We're doctors, not entertainers.

'Why we couldn't just do a raffle or something?

'This is going to be a shambles, a disaster!'

Shall we carry on?

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la... #

Which one's Heston's?

Do you know what? That's it. I've had enough. Everyone go home.

The show's cancelled. Come on, mate, we're nearly there. Nearly there?

Like the Titanic nearly made it to America? Come on, mate, it's not that bad!

I'll have to pay for this theatre out of my own pocket,

but I really don't care any more. I've had it with the lot of you.

Well, if nobody appreciates me, then I shall leave.

Emma, you left your microphone on. What?

Oh!

Did they hear?

Yeah. Everything.

Chris is saying the show's cancelled.

Oh, well done(!)

What? So, that's it? We just go home?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, don't look at me like that. It's not my fault.

I'm not the only one who had doubts about the show.

The thing is, Emma, your singing sucked! So does your attitude.

That's right. Blame me.

Make me the scapegoat.

All right. What can I do?

Are you sure about this? Yep.

I am sick of having to rely on other people who don't give a damn.

Wait. Wait. No, you can't!

Chris, look! I'm so sorry.

Yeah, right. I mean it.

Since you've got here, right, you have done nothing but complain.

And you know how important this is to me,

and you just couldn't care less.

No. I'm so proud of you for organising it.

Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.

You know what I'm like, I didn't mean the things I said,

I just...you know, speak first, think later.

You keep saying this whole show's a joke and maybe you're right.

The whole idea's stupid and we should just stick to what we know.

No, look, the whole idea was to make people laugh and to raise money.

And we can still do that.

Who cares if it's a bit rough around the edges?

A bit rough?!

Yeah, come on. We're all here now.

Well, you ain't going on like that, cos you'll upstage Mandy.

Fine.

I'll stand in the wings if you want, but don't throw in the towel.

Please?

Do you want another? Nah.

We've only had three quarters. It might be an acquired taste.

Yeah, so is pond water,

but I don't really want to try another on the off-chance.

Do you want to go and see the show? It's only round the corner.

It will be awful.

Yeah. Might be fun!

Schadenfreude!

If it turns out that anybody can sing, I will be severely disappointed.

I can pretty much guarantee you satisfaction then.

OK. Yeah!

Is the show any good? I loved it.

See - I told you it would be terrible. Fantastic.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm thrilled to see so many of you here.

If you have come tonight expecting an evening of comedy,

singing and magic, then you've come to the right place.

If you're in the mood for bingo tonight,

then that's at the church hall, which is just down the road.

The aim of tonight's performance is to raise money

for the local youth club.

It's been a major fixture in many of our childhoods,

and it would be a real tragedy to see it slip away.

Due to logistical reasons, we will be performing tonight's

show on the set of "Pirates in Toyland".

Unfortunately the pirates didn't make it back in time to clear the set.

JIMMI AND AL LAUGH

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy "Talent Spectacular"!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will now saw my glamorous assistant...in half.

Oh, wonderful.

Now, this is a Freudian nightmare come true!

GILBERT AND SULLIVAN BACKING TRACK PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Does he always do Gilbert and Sullivan songs?

Yeah, I think he was at school with them.

Well, that was probably the worst performance of that song

I have heard all evening.

But, er, it is also the best performance I have heard of that song all evening!

# In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine

# Where she carved her name and I carved mine

# Oh, June

# Like the mountains I'm blue

# Like the pine

# I am lonesome for you

LAUGHTER

# In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

# On the trail of the lonesome pine... #

I think I preferred them when they were silent.

And invisible.

MUSIC: "Man! I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain

Let's go, girls!

If I don't survive this, tell my parents that I love them.

C'mon!

# I'm going out tonight

# I'm feelin' all right

# Gonna let it all hang out

# Wanna raise my voice

# Really make some noise

# Man, I'm gonna scream and shout

# No inhibitions, make no conditions

# Get a little outta line

# I ain't gonna act politically correct

# I only wanna have a good time

# The best thing about being a woman

# Is her prerogative to have a little fun, and...

# Oh, oh, oh, totally crazy, forget I'm a lady

# Men's shirts, short skirts

# Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah

# Doin' it in style

# Oh, oh, oh, get in the action, feel the attraction

# Colour my hair, do what I dare

# Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah

# To feel the way I feel

# Man! I feel like a woman! #

C'mon! Clap your hands!

# The best thing about being a woman

# Is the prerogative to have a little fun... fun...

# Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy

# Forget I'm a lady

# Men's shirts, short skirts

# Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah

# Doin' it in style

# Oh, oh, oh, get in the action

# Feel the attraction

# Colour my hair, do what I dare

# Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah

# To feel the way I feel

# Man! I feel like a woman!

# I feel like a woman! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is, without doubt...

the best performance I have seen all evening!

I just want to say, thank you all so much.

It's brilliant that so many of you have turned out tonight,

and we have raised £1,030 for the youth club.

APPLAUSE Thank you.

I just want to say thank you to the cast and crew,

but most of all, to you, the audience.

And...

..that's all, folks.

It's a little bit like my first day in the army.

Bit of adrenaline. It's a good thing.

Right, let's go and see...see what the day's got in store, shall we?

Yes, it's one of the most notorious streets in Letherbridge.

It's only been ten minutes and look what we've found already.

Nice car!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd