Charlotte's Web Doctors

MUSIC: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

You can take the girl out of the Midlands but you cannot,

I say, you cannot take the Midlands out of the girl.

The UV works a treat.

Why wouldn't it?

How lucky was I to find you? Totes fab Shellac.

Makes me wish I still lived local. Won't you let me pay?

I've told you already. We're not open properly. I needed to try the kit.

Come back after our opening evening.

You can spend yourself stupid then. With lots of your friends.

I don't know any girlies in the local area any more.

We wax chaps too.

MOBILE RINGS

It's just a flying visit.

Any time you need a guinea pig. Bye, then.

See you.

What? I needed to test the UV.

'Hi.' Hi, babe. Listen, I was just...

'You've reached Charlotte's phone.'

You're in Letherbridge. I could be in Leth...

'I can't answer it so leave me a message.' ..Letherbridge. 'Laters!'

Right, OK, Pratty Piers strikes again.

Listen, I might... I'll maybe see you later.

Thank you. She's going to make you do her a bandage?

Don't be daft. Oh, come on. I ask you.

When was Charlotte Lucas ever without a plaster on her face?

Charlie liked plasters!

You were so sweet. Get off! Go on, say it.

No way. Say it, I'll give you another 20

and I won't do the whole mum-budgeting speech.

Make it 30.

Worth every penny.

No, I may have been born at night but I was not born LAST night.

OK...

Go on.

I am Nurse Twiss.

And?

And I made Charlotte a bandage.

There you go. I don't want it back either.

Seriously? Thank you.

I'd have loved to have seen Charlie.

I didn't get to see her before Christmas either.

I'll give her a call if you want, see if she wants to come in for a coffee.

Two o'clock would work. OK.

I heard you wheezing in that back room.

Dust. I found your blue inhaler.

Thank you.

It was empty. So I've made you an appointment at a place called The Mill.

I'll get a prescription from Dr Garner. I'll call him.

We have to register with a quack in Letherbridge.

I'll register too, but you will have first appointment

because you wheeze. Mum! We're going today.

Ow! Maintain a light touch, please.

I'm coming with. What? Why?

A, I've nothing else to do but clean.

B, I'm sick of cleaning.

C, I like a nice trip out and, four, you never know who you might meet.

A quack or an ill person. Great(!)

Morning, ladies. Oops!

One of the mysteries of femininity I'd hoped never to uncover. Hello.

Who are you? Barry Norman Biglow.

Is that supposed to mean something? I'm Malcolm, your landlord's right-hand man.

You'll have been expecting me.

Malcolm HAS told you about me?

Malcolm's on a cruise. You're his stand-in.

And if I might say so,

you've brought a touch of cruise line sophistication to Letherbridge.

You're a security guard?

I am what I like to call a safety and enforcement expert,

or an S EE. Very masculine.

I do boast a softer side. I'm sure you do.

As you've already been able to tell, I am very comfortable with

the older lady. So...

if there's anything you need in the maintenance capacity - concerns

about trip hazards, requests for grab rails et cetera, et cetera.

Bit of a drip. Sigourney!

The wash basins in the back, there's a bit of a drip.

That being the case, I shall very much look forward to

sorting out your plumbing.

Sorted. We're going to meet in town then we'll pop back here for coffee.

Great!

What you doing here?

I've just come to borrow some money off my mum. Pass my coat please, mate.

Off your mum?

You're just jealous. Yeah, I am actually.

What you going to spend your pocket money on?

Best mate from primary school moved away, but they're back visiting

so we're going to have some lunch.

Where'd he move to? SHE moved to London.

SHE moved to London?

Your best mate from primary school was a girl?! Total freak!

Totally jealous!

Mr Longfellow... Good morning. Can I help you?

My daughter, Sigourney Newton, has an appointment with your

Dr Tyler. It's an initial assessment. We're new.

I spoke to an enormously helpful lady on the telephone this morning.

Oh, well...that would have been me.

Yes, such an exquisite accent. Was that Dr Tyler?

Yes. Now, your appointment is not until...

She likes to be early. Sorry. I'll wait over there.

Better early than late.

..ten past twelve.

I do like to see a man in a professionally laundered shirt.

Sets the right tone. Yes, well, Dr Tyler is always extremely smart.

Could you ask your daughter to fill in this registration form, please?

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

SHE WOLF WHISTLES

Oh...! Nuggie! Nuggie! Nuggie! Who's the boss?!

You're the boss! You're the boss!

Nurse Twiss!

As I live and breathe. Have you dyed your hair?

Yeah. Nice nails. Is this a London thing?

What have you been up to? Just...stuff.

Guess what I downloaded yesterday. S Club 7.

You never! I've got it on shuffle.

You don't have flu jabs?

I'm not old enough.

I'm sure you're not, but this is Sigourney's consultation.

Sorry. No, I don't. I eat a lot of oranges.

OK, well, oranges are a winner

but you'll need more than oranges to stop getting flu.

Flu vaccines aren't all they're cracked up to be.

They're not? No, they're not.

It's doctors claiming that they are and falling for the pharmaceutical industry bull

which stops them from developing a better vaccine.

She thinks she knows best.

They earn millions. And they don't do any research.

All because they've hoodwinked the qua... Doctors.

Win, win. Give it a chance. You'll get used to it.

Mum, do you mind?!

I need to pay a little visit.

The Mill scored five out of five for its...

SHE MOUTHS

I'll leave you two to it.

The place I've parked my car is built out of crushed cars

in cages of steel. How Birmingham is that?

It's more Birmingham than your new accent.

What d'yow mean?! That's better.

Look, Chris, there's something I've got to tell you.

What's that then?

You're probably not going to be delighted.

But try and be happy for me, will you?

Oh! SHE SCREAMS

I am SO sorry. Are you all right?

Please. Sit down.

Can I help? No.

I'm a squealer. It was ever so.

You didn't hurt me...

Dustpan, Mrs Tembe? ..much.

You've got lovely forearms. Sturdy. Are you a doctor?

Dr Carter, Heston Carter.

I'm a personal grooming professional.

A beautician? And entrepreneur.

My daughter and I are relaunching the salon on Langton Street. OK.

It'll be totally metrosexual.

Mmm... What are you wearing?

Gentle but manly.

If you fancy a wax or a facial... The salon's not open to the public

yet, but....if you're ever up our end...

So, do you? What? Always know best?

I wheeze in a dusty environment.

As I'm manic about cleanliness, dusty environments don't last very long.

Well, dust and dust mites are a common allergy trigger. Do you react badly to anything else?

No. I've never had an episode of anaphylaxis,

and why would I want to put myself through stick-pin testing?

Did I say anything about...

Why would I want to put the NHS to the expense of immunotherapy?

I don't want steroid inhalers

and I don't want a pneumococcal vaccine. I've read about them.

Right. Is there anything you imagine a doctor or the health service can do for you?

Like what?

Our aim should be to control the asthma, not let it control you.

What is it with you lot and this almighty god of medication?

Right, just the repeat prescription for the inhaler then,

for those odd occasions

when you're not completely in control of everything.

I beg your pardon?

Seriously? You're getting married?

Big pouffey dress, tiara, lilies, limos. Everything.

What, like...properly married?

Well, yeah.

What about everything you used to say?

Moi?!

You're the one who only ever wanted to get married to Rachel Stevens from S Club 7!

Still do.

# And I'm still waiting... #

Yeah, all right. All right.

So, who is this stuck-up...

It's Piers. I'm going to marry Piers.

Of course you are(!) You're going to marry that creepy little runt.

How is the bed wetter anyway?

He didn't wet the bed.

He so did.

You ARE joking, right?

I really am so sorry.

Fancy having an attack of the vapours at the doctor's.

Very Pride And Prejudice. You Darcy, me Jane?

We're going.

Hold up, Sigourney.

No. What would you like me to do with your pearls?

Bin them, they're off the Bullring.

One seems to be trapped in your...bosom.

Mother!

Don't forget, Dr Heston Carter. Langton Street.

Look, right, I'm sorry but I can't not... Here we go.

Piers is a twerp. He's a no-mark.

Nice, Chris. Real nice(!)

Does he still hack everybody off?

He's good and he's decent. So he does then.

And do you want to spend the rest of your life apologising?

You don't think being bullied all the time created some problems?

I never bullied him!

You never went out of your way to be nice to him though, did you? Not unless I made you.

How is marrying Piers going to make you happy?

Being bullied made him strong. Strong, focused and rich.

"Up, up and away." That's what he says. That's what your dad taught him to say.

"Up, up and away"!

All right, well...what about you?

He's richer than all the mean kids put together.

He's piggin' loaded. This cost more than my car.

Piers would give me anything.

Piers wants me to be happy.

Oh, well, that's all right then(!)

I want to be a patron of the arts.

I want couture.

I want to float around the gardens telling people what to do.

Gardens?! Gardens.

I don't want to work hard, so why should I?

And if I marry Piers, then I can arrange flowers.

Gardens. I mean...

I knew you'd be like this.

Yes, because you have told me you're marrying Piers!

My last patient cancelled, so

I suppose I'll have to give this another go.

You make it sound like a chore.

I have no GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

Very funny(!) Very clever. Almost as clever as Mr Dickens.

Perhaps we should be paying you by the word,

like your literary hero.

Instalments, Mrs Tembe.

Charles Dickens wrote serialised novels in instalments that

were eagerly anticipated. No-one was sponsored to read them.

It is a myth he was paid by the word.

This whole sponsorship thing's absurd.

Well, I think the reception evening will be most diverting.

Bonnets and brocade? Not my cup of tea.

Dr Reid? How are you?

Piers! Hello.

Dr Reid, the sympathy card I sent. The one signed by my secretary.

I got it. "Mr P Morten, signed in his absence."

Thank you.

I am SO sorry about that. She'd done it and franked it

and put it in the post before I had a chance to deal with it personally.

No harm done. How are you, Piers? This is a surprise.

The thing is, I'd wanted to write it myself.

I didn't know what to write

but I wanted to let you know what a tremendous bloke Sam was,

of course I did. He really was tremendous.

No harm done. It's the thought.

That's generous of you. My PA was an idiot.

We all make mistakes.

An idiot. I sacked her.

Is that your car?

Yeah. I'm surprising Charlie. Have you seen her?

Are you? She's with Chris. You're surprising her?

How did you know...?

We're engaged. She's going to marry me.

You'll have to come. Charlie will deal with all that.

Hopefully I won't have to sack her too!

You and Charlotte? You're marrying?

They'll be along in a minute. Why don't you come in for a coffee?

I've only got one more patient. I'll put the kettle on.

So, how are the Dashwoods getting on?

Eh? No, I'm just scoping out a Doctor Who convention. I might go.

Doctor Who? Yep.

Rubbish. I'll bet my bonnet you've been snared by Jane.

No. It's a fan forum.

What are the last words you read? Quick!

Exterminate! Exterminate!

You just made that up. You, sir, are a liar.

No, madam, you are mistaken.

You are in Regency England, not outer space.

As it happens, I haven't even started your Sense And Silly Sensibility.

Liar, liar.

So what are we talking? Six figures, right? Booyaka!

Kevin goes a bit funny around cars.

I have no idea. Money's not an issue,

my fiancee'll like the colour.

So why did you tell me then? Wish I hadn't.

Well, you did. Piers is...

Piers is here.

Yay! Dr Lovely!

Charlie.

What you doing here? Road trip.

Where's your car? It's the sports car.

What? That roadster thing? You've got another new car?

I bought it because my fiancee will like the colour.

I'm spending the day with Chris. You know that. I told you that.

Chilterns turned into Warwickshire. You know how it is.

Plus I didn't think Nurse Twiss would take you anywhere nice.

Me and Chris have still got catching up to do.

You can't come for lunch.

I'll take Dr Reid for lunch, then.

Hey. I'm up for that.

I can squeeze in the back. I don't mind going in the back.

Well, we'll pop over to the Icon.

But it's my treat. We'll leave these two to do their catch-up.

We're still going in your car though, right?

He's got another new car?

He's not bothered about cars, he just thought I'd like the colour.

Charlotte Lucas. Talk about bossy!

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

I know. I get things wrong.

You bought a car cos she likes the colour. What's wrong with that(?)

Did I say I didn't want cucumber in my salad?

I fail to see signals. Everything's changed, but nothing has.

Don't worry, I'll sort out the cucumber.

Self-aware just means it hurts more.

I haven't seen Piers in ages.

Then I'll have mine outside.

It's sunny. And I can sit and look at the car.

So. Want to tell me anything?

Look at Charlie, and look at me.

She used to be out of my league and now she's not, not now I'm rich.

Am I supposed to say something like, "You can't buy love"?

But you can. She's marrying me because of the money.

I don't care. She's all I've ever wanted

but, Chris...

he only ever put up with me. He never really liked me.

He's going to try and change her mind.

Love and passion are the only reasons to get married.

Not money.

I've told you what I want. I've told you it IS about money.

Money's not everything.

Ha! "What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Apart from money, what's Piers got?

Me.

You don't know him.

Well, I knew him for long enough, and the bloke is still an idiot.

Well, you never really knew him.

Anyway, what's so great about me?

You're Charlie. You're fantastic.

Rubbish.

You know you are.

Sorry.

MUSIC: "Never Had A Dream Come True" by S Club 7

I... I love her, Dr Reid.

I can't remember a time when I didn't love Charlotte.

She's going to marry you. She must have feelings for you too.

I...

would do anything for her.

I'm worried what Twiss'll say.

Why?

Whatever Chris says, Charlie will do exactly what Charlie wants to do.

Up, up and away?

You'll work it out. Up, up and away.

How could you? What!

How could you do that? What?

"What? What?"

No, no way. Don't you put this on me.

Excuse me?

You wanted to do this. It's not my fault you can't

marry your doshed-up, wannabe toff now. What?!

If it took us to do this to bring you to your senses, I'm glad.

What? Are you mad? We just had sex.

Yeah? And? It didn't mean anything.

Yes, it did.

Seems to me we scratched an itch. It doesn't change anything.

I'll get over it.

You shouldn't just get over it. You don't love Piers!

You and I had sex.

It doesn't prove I'm not in love with Piers. We already knew

that. It just proves that I'm not in love with him yet.

So? Are you going to come with me

and pretend everything's all right for your mother?

You can't miss it.

Bye. I hope you feel better.

Right, steak and kidney pie and a pint of real ale on me.

Lunch? Too much to do.

Too much to do. Doctor Who figurines to pre-order?

Correspondence actually.

You do realise you're being a total bore?

Can I help it if I'm conscientious?

Sipping tea and speed reading Sense And Sensibility isn't conscientious.

Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't fallen for our Jane.

OK! Fine!

I have completely fallen for your Jane.

Are you happy now, you literary harpy?!

Now bog off and leave me to read in peace.

I'm sorry. What for?

For kissing you first.

That's all?

Please don't do this, Charlie. He is never going to make you happy.

Hurts, doesn't it?

If you cared about me, you wouldn't want to hurt me. You wouldn't

make this more difficult. Would you?

Hey, what's up with you two? Mate, d'you mind?

Nothing's up.

I don't need this, man.

Don't start.

I'm not. I just thought, Dr Tyler...

You're starting!

I thought he was a lovely young man.

He's all-right-looking. He's full of himself.

He's got a god complex. But he smelled really nice.

Did he? You'd have made a lovely couple.

Please!

What's wrong with you?!

What's wrong with being open to a spot of romance?

What's wrong with responding to the crackle?

What crackle?

I felt a crackle. That place definitely had crackle.

It was quite the most crackle-full surgery I've ever been in.

It was not.

And you. You have to go all stroppy and make me look a fool.

PHONE RINGS

Charlie, listen, mate, I've been a right plonker. I...

Forget it. There's something I've got to ask you.

Before, when I touched you, I felt a lump.

You've got a lump.

I know. So you're doing something about it?

Yes, I'm doing something about it.

Good. OK, then. That's OK.

I'm doing something about it, Charlotte,

because I am not the idiot here.

Whoa! Whoa!

I need to borrow yours.

I beg your pardon?

I've dropped my tablet. The screen's smashed.

I need to borrow your Sense And Sensitivity.

Seriously. I need to know what happens.

I promise I'll bring it back tomorrow.

Mine is a gift from my father.

I have dropped it hundreds of times. Once or twice in the bath.

A knackered screen is not going to stand between me

and my enjoyment of Miss Austen.

Are you seriously not going to lend it to me?

You, madam, are mean.

Just tell me then. Edward and Elinor. That's all right, yeah?

Marianne works out that the Colonel's her lobster, right?

Her lobster!

I could eat a horse.

You probably will do. Didn't Nurse Twiss buy you lunch?

Talk talk, you know what I'm like.

I'd have thought he'd have bored the pants off you.

Is he coming to the wedding?

I don't think he's got a suit. Pov.

Madam.

Chris. Take that away and bring me a bottle of Bollinger Rose. Certainly, sir.

Don't know what it is but Twiss that makes me think pink.

Nurse Nancy and all that.

"Sorry about this afternoon. I'm always here to talk."

Sorry.

I know you kind of love him.

It kills me a bit that you do.

MUSIC: "Reach For The Stars" by S Club 7

What to?

Just had to stop myself saying something

horrid about your little friend.

Baby steps.

Oh, come on, that was supposed to make you laugh.

It didn't. All right, OK, well... To us.

To me making you happy.

Up, up and away?

Piers, I'm going to try and make you happy as well.

"Doctor and Mrs." It has a lovely ring to it, do you not think?

Oh, my days! It's him!

Dr Carter! Dr Carter! Oh, hello.

Are you...? What a peculiar basket.

A tasting at my wine merchant.

They usually wait for me before they start.

Oh. Anyway, you know where we are now. Yes.

Ooh, Dr Carter, I can't wait to work my magic on your scalp,

give you a good old rub down, rejuvenate you.

I should be on the national health.

Maybe before the reception, you'll be going?

The whole surgery is going. We dare not disobey Mrs Tembe.

She's lovely, your receptionist, isn't she? Yes.

And they're usually hateful cows,

doctors' receptionists, aren't they?

We'll see you there then.

I'm sure it will be a very enjoyable evening.

Oh, my days...and nights!

"Very enjoyable". I'll have to get a new dress.

You'll have to get a new dress.

Dishy Dr Tyler and scrumptious Dr Heston Carter.

Tyler's a twerp.

Sigourney, stop it.

We'll both be dating doctors before the week is through.

The loft.

The loft. That's it.

That's where he hid Mrs Tilney.

Love conquers all.

That is not the first rule, Mum.

I don't wish to be conquered by anyone.

Catriona. We're here to help. Your mum's here.

You didn't deserve this, Chris. It's not your punishment.

You can't think like that.

It's Mum. He's killed her.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd