Northanger Bungalow Doctors

Northanger Crescent. Zombie Central.

Ten years on from Armageddon, the undead roam the bungalows,

as if they're still alive.

They carry on with their meaningless tasks,

without a thought in their head.

Until they smell living flesh.

Fall back. Back to base.

We will gather here at six o'clock then all make our way

over to the exhibition together.

Attendance is essential.

It's going to be fun.

Look, Mrs Tembe has made a cake, to get us in the mood.

In the mood for cake, perhaps. Certainly not Austen.

For love, Heston. Cake and love are inextricably linked.

Are you going?

What?

This Austen thing.

No, not in the mood.

Nah, me neither. Girly nonsense.

Everything all right? Yeah, fine.

I've got a police surgeon shift tonight so I might be a bit late.

I've got stuff to do, Mum.

Six o'clock. Do not forget.

As if I could.

Back at base. Safe.

The stench of the old people who used to live here masks my scent.

Still stuck with their decor, too.

We daren't move anything in case there's a body under there.

I have reason to believe the last owner, Mr Tilney,

finished off Mrs Tilney.

See, blood stains. In a bungalow, there's nowhere to hide.

There's the loft. Argh! Zombie attack!

Turn it off, Catriona. Help me put some boxes up there.

Up where? The loft!

The loft! That's it!

That's where he hid Mrs Tilney.

That's what the smell is. A rotting corpse.

Catriona! Can't you snap out of your own little world just for a moment?

Sorry, love. I've just got a lot to do today.

We've got to decide if there's any of this furniture we need to keep.

Do you want any help?

It's too late now. You've got to go.

Go where? The surgery. They have to do a check-up as part of your registration.

The uni will be swarming with zombies. All that fresh meat.

You'll get some good footage for your film then, won't you?

Go on, I'll leave you some tea ready for when you get back.

Why, where will you be?

I've got to go into work, there's a late meeting I can't miss.

Can't you come with me?

It's just a routine thing. You don't need me.

Mum, I've never been there before.

You're 17, Catriona. Practically old enough to go to uni.

Mum, please. What if they find something seriously wrong.

There's no medical cure for an overactive imagination.

SHE CHUCKLES

BUMPING

Of course there'll be decent beer.

Right, see you tonight. Bye!

Not sure there's much crossover between the Jane Austen fans

and the real ale crowd.

You are coming tonight? I've promised Rob you will be there.

I might be too busy.

Jimmi. I'll do my best. Mrs Bennett, please?

This is where the outbreak began.

They've quarantined the whole area, but it's only a matter of time.

Catriona Morbrook?

Some of the staff may already be infected.

Do you want to go through to the nurses' room and switch that thing off, please?

You're not recording this, are you?

No, honest. It's just...my mum might ring.

Can't she leave a message?

I'll put it on silent.

How are you liking Northanger Crescent?

SHE SIGHS

Not much.

Oh, I've always loved it, when I had to visit.

Very peaceful.

Did you ever visit the Tilneys?

Mr Tilney was a lovely man.

Not been the same since his wife passed.

Probably the guilt, driving him mad.

The guilt?

These nice, peaceful places, they're exactly where the bad stuff happens.

The "bad stuff"?

Zombies. Murders. Chain saw massacres.

Would you excuse me a minute?

Heston?

I'll let you know as soon as I have them.

They did say the end of the day.

I keep starting at the clock.

I want to know, but the closer it gets,

it's like, I don't think I want to know.

Come to my office at six.

What? We're leaving for the exhibition at six. Weren't you listening?

Give it a rest, Zara, please? And you wonder why we long for gentlemen with good manners.

Chris may not be coming. He's not had a good day.

He can be moody by all means.

But he'd better be there, or else.

I don't need to see a doctor.

I need to be getting back. Karen thought you might want to talk to me.

Do you know something about Mr Tilney?

Is that why she got you was Mrs Tilney's death suspicious?

Sorry, I can't discuss other patients.

Not even a dead one? It must have been bad.

Karen noticed your blood pressure was a little raised.

Have you been feeling unwell at all? Under any stress?

We've just moved house.

That can be quite stressful. Is that all it is?

I suppose I haven't been sleeping too well. Mum says it's the horror films.

That's what Karen wondered. She's a mum, too. Mums tend to worry.

She doesn't need to worry about me.

Are you worried about anything?

No. Just the move and everything, stressed.

Are you just very hot at the moment or do you often sweat like that?

Just hot. I really need to get back.

Just five minutes?

I have to help my mum, sorry.

OK, well, the door's always open, if you need...someone to talk to...bang.

That should be enough.

Isn't it time you got started on yours? How about a beehive?

I'm keeping it simple, refined.

You'll be passed over for a wallflower! Good!

Don't want that big-head Dr Tyler thinking I'm chasing after him.

You could do a lot worse.

Good evening, ladies. Just calling in with a little gift.

In case you have trouble with your gas.

I can give your pipes the once-over too whilst I'm here.

You're very kind, Mr Bigelow.

Sigourney, you show him that wet patch in the back room.

I think it just needs a new washer.

I hope so. I have to be at a gala event at six-thirty.

Oh! You're going to the Austen exhibition?

Is that why you two ladies are looking so especially ravishing?

That's why I'm looking ravishing

and why Sigourney is about to put on a mop cap and spectacles.

She's forgotten the first rule of Austen. Love conquers all.

That is not the first rule, Mum.

And I don't wish to be conquered by anyone. Come on.

Not anyone, no. But in the hands of the right man...

SPOOKY MUSIC

BUMPING NOISE

MORE BUMPS

MUSIC PLAYS

Mum? Will you call me back, please? Will you come home? Please?

MICROWAVE BELL RINGS

Oh!

Argh!

Mum, this is so you can see what happened to me and to Mrs Tilney.

I've got Mr Tilney's old dibber and I'm going to use it.

One strike to the head... I love you, Mum.

I'm really scared.

She's not here.

Maybe you were right, Mum. Maybe it was all my imagination.

HE WHEEZES

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Campus Surgery.

Dr Clay. I need to talk to Dr Clay.

It's Catriona Morbrook.

Jimmi, Catriona Morbrook she sounds terrible.

Catriona?

It's Mum. He's killed her!

Slow down. Do you need the police?

The police can't help. She's here in the house. I can't get out.

Right, I'm on my way. Wait there.

You are still coming tonight?

Yeah. When this is sorted.

Rob's going to kill me!

KNOCK ON DOOR

It's ten-past six.

Sorry, I got distracted.

I have your results.

I was outside your door, but my legs just gave way.

What if...

I knew it. Just say it.

Heston, please.

I haven't opened it. Do you want me to?

Yeah.

There you are. We're all waiting.

If you go on ahead, we'll catch up.

Couldn't it wait till the morning?

It's an urgent matter about a patient. Just give us some time.

Well?

It's OK.

I was so sure it was going to be...

Well, you were wrong, I'm pleased to say.

It may take a while to sink in.

Go home, get some rest.

I'll give your apologies to the ladies.

Catriona? It's Dr Clay.

Whoa, you scared the...

Thought you were Zara or Mrs T, lying in wait.

You all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go for a drink.

Yeah. The Icon for a few?

Well, why don't we go to this cos everyone's there.

Thought you weren't up for it.

It'll be a laugh. No. There's loads of free booze.

THEY LAUGH

Mrs Tilney?

CATRIONA SOBS

Catriona? Where's your mum?

I saw her. He did it.

Mr Tilney? Craig. My stepdad.

Calm down, try and tell me what's happened.

He always said he'd kill her if she left.

She promised she would not tell him where we moved. She promised.

But today she went to go and meet him...

Catriona, there's no-one else here...

But I saw her. I'm not going mad!

Look!

They've got costumes.

And letters. Originals.

In her own hand.

And this is just the taster. There's even more in the main room.

I've heard rumours of a harpsichord.

Chris, I wasn't expecting to see you.

You only live once.

All right, chaps. Did your mum say she was coming?

Yeah, she'll be here in a bit. Fancy a punch?

11 o'clock. Two hot doctors. What?

Doctors Tyler and Carter. Don't look!

Or at least make eye contact and look away, coyly.

I'd rather look at the sweaty patch on Barry's forehead, thanks, Mum.

Are you going to use Mr Bigelow as a decoy to make Dr Tyler jealous?

No, I'm going to amuse myself by talking to anyone that isn't a stuck-up twonk.

Mr Bigelow, we were wondering where you were.

Mrs Tembe suggested we all partner up

and go for a turn around the room, old-fashioned, like.

Sounds like an excellent idea. Allow me..

3, Northanger Crescent. I'll be here with her, OK? Thanks.

I don't understand. I saw her.

I believe that you thought saw her.

I'm not going mad.

You ARE under a lot of stress.

If you're worried your stepdad...

Not me...Mum.

He never hit me.

She wouldn't even admit it was happening.

I just heard the noises.

Saw the marks on the wall.

She said it was all in my head.

Right.

Let's get you down from here.

Is this really what they was drinking back then - punch?

Only Karen seemed to think it was more in the line of mead.

Mead? This isn't Beowulf.

Oh, have you seen that film? It is brilliant.

I don't mind swords and sandals. But I prefer riding boots, every time.

Look, see. Darcy.

It looks like he's wearing a nappy.

It was a good idea to bring the team.

Educational, morale-boosting, raises our profile.

I just wanted to share our love for this wonderful woman

with all our friends and colleagues.

Have you seen Emma?

I believe the Emma display is in the main exhibition.

The colleague, not the book.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah, no. I do not think she has arrived yet.

Oh, now. Look here.

Dr Tyler, have you met the delightful Sigourney?

Delightful?

I can be, in the right company.

You prefer to stand around looking bored?

Just taking in the atmosphere.

The free booze, more like.

Very authentic. Very tasty.

You finish up. There's a display I want to have a look at.

About independent women.

Heston, could I trouble you for some help?

Only I've left my lenses out and I can't read the small print.

Oh, of course.

"Women no longer depend upon marriage

"for social standing and security, but nonetheless,

"the endeavours of Austen's heroines speak to us today."

Do you think that's true?

That we're still all intent on bagging a man?

Well, I wouldn't like to say.

I think it's bobbins, personally.

Marriage is the last thing I'm after.

But a turn around the room with a handsome gent would do me fine.

I suppose it is the done thing.

Ah! The Hornpipe. My favourite.

Seriously?

I'm quite the expert in Regency dancing.

I've been studying it in depth on my smartphone.

They get it all wrong, you know, in the telly adaptations.

You think so? I can show you.

The popular jigs of the time weren't half so genteel as we're led to believe.

They were more akin to Morris dancing. Follow my lead...

JIG PLAYS

CLAPPING INTENSIFIES

Oh, my...!

That's him.

Dr Clay, I got your message.

And Catriona? They're running some tests. She should be back soon.

Is it serious?

Her symptoms could fit a number of conditions.

She was fine a few hours ago. She's never been ill.

Did...she tell you she'd been having trouble sleeping?

I know she stays up half the night watching horrors.

I have tried to stop her. Told her it'll give her nightmares.

Is there anything else you can think of that might give her nightmares?

Something from real life?

She told me about her stepdad, about Craig.

That's all over now.

She thinks you were with him tonight. She thought you were dead.

That's crazy! I promised her I would never go back.

It might take more than that for her to believe you, especially if she thinks you're still hiding things.

So it's my fault she's sick? Is that what you're saying?

I'm only trying to help Catriona.

Some of her symptoms may be psychological. She's scared.

I'm going to see her.

It seems fine to me.

But you might want to go home and rest it.

I think you should do as the doctor advises.

Me rump took the bulk of the damage, thankfully.

I think I can battle on...if you could just get me another drink.

The least you could have done was try and rescue the poor girl from the idiot. I did my best.

GUIDE: Ladies and gentleman, the main exhibition is now officially open,

if you'd like to make your way through.

As Barry is incapacitated, perhaps you could take Sigourney through?

Her mum tells me she's keen to meet new friends.

I bet she is. Cos anyone who already knows her would run a mile.

'It's all my imagination.'

There's nothing there.

FOOTSTEPS Dr Clay?

Dr Clay?!

Mum?

Somebody, please. Dr Clay!

It's OK, Catriona. We're here to help you.

Your mum's here.

Hey, Bazza!

There you are.

Want some punch? It's cracking stuff.

You're in a good mood.

No law against that, is there?

No, I'm pleased. You've been down such a lot lately.

Well, now I am up and everything is all right,

so let's have a drink and get merry.

Are you sure you're all right?

Do you want to talk about it, or just get smashed?

I'm sure. And I have every reason to get smashed,

cos I'm celebrating, look.

I wasn't going to show you, but I you obviously won't drop it.

So have a read of that, and you'll see that everything's absolutely fine.

You thought you had...

But I haven't.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want you to worry. You've dealt with enough.

But something like this.

I was fine.

But you weren't, were you? I knew something was wrong.

I could have helped you.

No, you couldn't. There was nothing you could have done.

I deserved this, this is my punishment,

for what I did to my dad, and there was nothing you could have

done other than get upset and make things a thousand times worse.

You didn't deserve this, Chris. It's not your punishment.

You can't think like that.

It's not that simple, Mum. Not for me.

It'll never be that simple again.

Emma, I didn't think were going to make it.

Sorry, Howard, not now.

Temporal lobe epilepsy. The chances are you've had it a while.

You've had seizures in your sleep, and less severe ones whilst awake.

You wouldn't know that's what happened.

Just felt panicked, sick, and strung-out afterwards.

With everything going on in your life, it might've felt normal.

Even I know it's not normal to see zombies.

I thought I was going mad.

The condition can cause hallucinations.

But I think yours have also been influenced not just by real life

but also by the movies.

I'm so sorry.

I thought I would worry you more if I'd told you where I was.

I would never go back to Craig. Where were you?

Alan, at work, asked me for a drink.

I thought if it was meant to be a fresh start, I should at least give it a try.

You went on a date? Yeah.

How was it?

Terrible. He's very boring.

It won't be happening again.

I don't mind. As long as I know.

They'll have to keep Catriona in for observation overnight.

I don't mind staying here if you want to pop home

and fetch her some things. Is that OK?

Are you sure you don't mind staying?

Trust me, you'd be doing me a favour!

Has something happened?

I had a bad shift at the station.

I should've gone straight home.

You don't want to do that, you'll have that on your mind all night.

Why don't we go for something to eat, get it off your chest? I bet you haven't eaten, have you?

Howard, it's more complicated than that.

It's Chris. We've had words about Sam.

Why don't I drive you home? We can have a chat.

I appreciate it, thank you, but there's nothing you can do.

I'm going to order a cab.

Not now, Sigourney. Heston might take me for another turn.

Have you spoken to Dr Tyler?

Yes, enough to last me a lifetime.

I just want to go home and exfoliate.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I just wanted to say.... I'm not an Austen expert.

More of an all-round Renaissance man.

Only a short while ago, it was Shakespeare who had my heart,

along with my star-crossed lover Julia Parsons.

Alas, that play has now ended.

But now a new chapter has opened, with a new heroine.

Beautiful. Intelligent. And not half as snippy as Julia.

Miss Sigourney Newton!

So I just wanted to say... Here's to romance!

Wa-hey! CLAPPING

I'm going to call that cab.

Thanks for waiting, Dr Clay.

Before you go, you might want to see this.

Is it my Freddy Krueger glove? Afraid not.

I found it in one of the cupboards. It's the Tilneys.

Doesn't look like he wanted to kill her.

She died peacefully, in her sleep, at a ripe old age.

I thought you couldn't tell me.

Won't do any harm now. Not like your imagination, when it's left to fill in the blanks.

People CAN be happy together,

live nice, normal lives in nice, normal places.

"Happy memories in Northanger Bungalow".

I'm going to have to come back another time.

There was so much to take in.

If you would like a companion, let me know.

I will, Mrs Tembe. Thank you.

Good night.

Now, Mr Darcy, take me home.

No, you're right. It was pretty boring. Apart from Barry.

That poor girl!

Don't worry. I've just remembered We've got beer in the fridge, pizza in the freezer,

and we've got loads of mindless telly on the digibox.

Now, see, THAT is romantic.

Very chivalrous, thank you. So...?

So, thank you for a very pleasant evening. Good night.

Good...night.

Do you want to go on somewhere? It's early yet.

Have you seen my mum? She went home a while ago. I'm going to have to find her, mate.

Cab's here, Mum.

Congratulations. You and Barry(!)

He was drunk. He must've been, to say all that about you. At least I wasn't by myself all evening.

Looks like your boyfriend's deserted you again.

He's not my... Anyway, it's none of my business. Good night, Dr Tyler.

Sigourney?

Dad! Put some money on the electric, will you?

No, it's no good.

Well, give it chance!

I need to see a doctor.

What's the problem now?

You are. You're all stupid, the lot of you!

What would a fine, distinguished gentleman like him

see in somebody like me?

Loser!

Oh, what do you want?!

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