Young Love Doctors

-Smile.

-Don't, Josh.

-CAMERA CLICKS

-What?

-Photos!

It's a good one.

I've got to revise.

Mrs Neilson!

White filter. Large. To go.

What if she sees?

She won't.

Bloody parasite. Excuse me. Kind of in a hurry!

No, look, I'm here, I'm coming.

Just chill, Neen. It's not like we're in school.

Want anything else? I've got about a quid.

What you done with my shirts?

I haven't done anything with your shirts.

Thought you put a wash on?

-I washed my stuff.

-So I don't have any clean shirts?

Not unless you washed them.

Great.

You can borrow one of mine, if you like.

I'm not wearing a girl's blouse to work.

It's not a blouse. It's a white shirt.

Timeless classic. No-one will know. It'll be under your jacket.

Nah. I'll just wear a T-shirt.

Bit Miami Vice, but whatever.

-It wouldn't even fit me.

-What?

-Your blouse.

-It's not a blouse.

-Well, I'm not going to do it so it doesn't matter.

-Fine.

It would be crossing some sort of line.

Oi!

Sorry, s'cuse me. Can I...? Sorry.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Thank you.

Revision?

-Yes, I...

-My office. Five minutes.

What if people can tell?

They will if you keep banging on about it.

-You in tonight?

-Probs.

-What'll we do for tea?

-Pasta bake?

-Is that all you know how to cook?

-YOU cook, then.

-Fine. We'll have pasta bake.

Aw, you're like an old married couple.

She started wearing your clothes yet?

Nope. But he's starting wearing mine.

THEY LAUGH

Hello. You're not meant to be here today?

I'm not stopping. Just came to collect some more of these.

Sex ed session at Letherbridge Academy.

Put a condom on a banana?

-Things have moved on a bit since your day.

-I'm only 30!

-HE COUGHS

-Old.

Shut up, I'm not much older than you are.

Mate, I was born in 1990. I've got a young person's rail card.

And if I wanted to hire a transit van,

I couldn't because you have to be 25.

Which, incidentally, is when the human body starts to deteriorate.

-Aw, leave him alone!

-Yeah.

-30's not old these days.

When I was that age, I was married with two kids.

Course, back then that was leaving it late.

-I'm in my prime.

-That's what old people say.

I'm only 30.

That's totally unprofessional.

Well, either you fix it, or I'm phoning Rogue Traders.

Builders. Honestly.

So you all set for this afternoon?

Bit nervous. I hate interviews.

You've had six weeks' supply as practice. You'll be fine.

Unless, of course, the rumour that's been circulating

turns out to be true.

A-ha!

What rumour?

Sorry. It's a disgrace.

The one about you and a pupil being seen together

at Hot Ice nightclub on Saturday. Josh Kinsey? Year 11?

What? By who?

Doesn't matter. Well?

I was there at the club, but I wasn't with him.

Not like that.

I saw him and I spoke to him. That's all.

I was just trying to be friendly.

Thought so. It's bad enough you being seen in that abysmal place

without you getting prosecuted for it, as well.

You know the drill. You encounter a pupil in public, you go elsewhere.

-Understood?

-Yes.

Good.

Thank you.

-Mr Nicholson. Come in. Take a seat.

-Thanks, Doc.

-How can I help?

-I've, er, I've hurt my hand.

Let's have a look.

-How did you do it?

-I banged it. On a wall.

Make a fist for me, please. And unclench your fingers.

HE GASPS

-Does that hurt?

-A bit.

When did it happen?

Last night.

I just thought I should come and get it checked out.

-Best to be on the safe side.

-Always.

Doesn't look like you've broken anything. Just a sprain.

-Rub some arnica on it to alleviate the bruising.

-Oh. OK.

Take some ibuprofen if it causes you any discomfort.

Right, thanks.

That's it, unless there's anything else?

My wife's having an affair.

MUFFLED SOBS

Are you all right?

Hello? You OK?

I'm fine.

I'm a nurse. I might be able to help.

I'm fine. Honestly.

I'm not going anywhere.

See?

Do want me to get a teacher?

I am a teacher.

Oh. Sorry. It's just you look dead young.

I'm Mandy.

Nina.

Nina, I'm giving your pupils a sexual health talk today.

Right.

So what is it that you teach?

English. Well, I'm on supply, at the moment. So anything.

So, what is it? Boys? Homework?

Job interview.

Sorry. I'm not usually this all over the place.

It won't be as bad as you think.

Imagine them naked. Sniff some lavender.

BELL RINGS

I better go.

Good luck!

That's how I hurt my hand.

Punched a wall in the house when I found out.

You know for a fact she's having an affair?

I found emails. Not that I was snooping.

She got me this laptop for my birthday, but it bust.

-I was looking for the receipt.

-In her emails?

She got it off the internet. Everything's online these days.

Even adultery.

How long you been married?

-20 years in June.

-Wow.

You should have seen the emails. She says she loves him.

-Have you tried talking to her?

-What if she wants a divorce?

I'm sure it won't come to that.

No. It won't. I mean, that's why I'm here.

-To cut her off at the pass.

-What do you mean?

Botox. She obviously goes in for that younger look.

So I need to make that happen here.

Cosmetic enhancement is quite a big step.

I thought you'd get it.

Even YOU must have let things slip once you hit 30.

-I mean, what are you? 34, 35?

-I'm 30.

Sorry. No offence.

Well, you can't get botox on the NHS. You'd have to pay for it.

How much?

Prices vary, but in the region of £150 per sector.

I could take her on holiday for that!

Which is why you've got to make sure you're doing it

for the right reasons.

I am. I just want to remind her who she married.

I'm sure she didn't marry you just for your looks.

Can't take that risk. Give me the botox.

OK. But I'd recommend that you research practitioners in the area

before you make any decisions.

In the meantime, I'll give you some leaflets.

I need it today. Can't you do it?

Bet you stick yourself all the time.

No. And I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet.

Fine. If you won't help me, I'll find someone who can.

30? Yeah, right.

Cheeky!

Inside, please.

-I need to talk to you.

-What about?

-Later.

-Tell me now.

-Hey, Neen...

-Miss Jethroe.

Miss Jethroe. I got this 2-for-1 cinema voucher off my phone.

Do you want to go tonight?

It's an 18, but I reckon we'll get...

-I can't.

-Why not?

I've got to stop seeing you.

What?

Me and you. It's got to finish.

I should have stopped it the minute I knew you were a pupil.

But you can't. Why?

Somebody...saw us.

Who?

I don't know. But they reported us to Mrs Neilson.

I told her it was nothing, but she's got her eye on me now.

-I can't risk it.

-I can. I don't care.

I could lose my job.

Nobody'll find out. We'll be careful.

It stops now.

What does?

Josh. He was...messing about.

Shocker. This is Nurse Marquez.

We've met.

She's commandeering your classroom for a bit of sex education.

You're sitting in?

Problem?

No. Course not.

Well then, let's get it over with.

-Coffee?

-How old do you think I look?

No. I've fallen for that one too many times.

Come on, I can take it.

OK, fine.

Mild lateral canthal lines, signs of transverse rhytides

and visibility of glabellar frown line.

I think you could easily get away with...

You know what? I don't think I want to know.

Relax. You could easily get away with 32?

I'm 30!

He's not still banging on about that, is he? Come on, mate.

You don't see Daniel making a big deal about being middle-aged.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with The One Show and a cup of tea.

Fine. If you're so hard, why don't we go out for drinks tonight?

I'll get the lads together.

We've got half a day. It would be rude not to.

I'm supposed to be helping out at the youth club five-a-side...

-Ha. Now who's old and knackered?

-But, I was just about to say,

I'll get a few of the volunteers together, meet you after?

Yeah. Fine, whatever. What about you?

Thanks for the invite, but I promised Zara I'd help out with...

-Boring.

-..Joe.

-So shall we say White Horse about 5:30?

-Groovy.

No-one says that any more.

I was being ironic.

STUDENTS CHATTER

Settle down, please. Thank you.

Steve!

Quiet.

Kelly, I don't know if that's gum or cud in your mouth,

but either way, spit it out.

This is Nurse Marquez.

She's here to talk to you about sexual health.

STUDENTS GIGGLE

Thanks. Right. Most of you probably think you know all about sex.

Some of you might have even done it.

But it's important you understand the health implications

of being sexually active.

Are you doing a physical demo?

Josh, I know you probably haven't had the pleasure of touching

a woman yet, but if you listen to what Nurse Marquez has to say,

you might increase your chances.

I have, actually.

Something you'd like to share with the group?

Good.

Because the idea of you sexually reproducing

fills me with sheer terror.

GIRLS LAUGH

Thank you. Continue.

OK... Who can give me some examples of sexually transmitted infections?

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yep.

-Just wondered if you needed anyone to make up the numbers

-for this five-a-side thing you're doing?

-You?

Yeah. You can owe me one.

We are a man down. But...they're pretty fit lads.

They're all in good shape.

So am I. Played loads at uni.

When was that again?

I mean, obviously I've played since then.

It would be really embarrassing if you pulled something.

-Unless there are any fit girls watching.

-Go on, then.

You're on. Try and lay off the dad jokes.

Cool. Totally. See you on court.

Pitch.

You need to make sure the rolled bit is on the outside.

Pinch the top then slide it down.

Mine doesn't look like that.

That's a good point, actually. Everybody's is different.

And that's OK.

Right, has anyone got any questions?

About anything. Sexual health, relationships...?

Yeah, actually.

There's a surprise. Go on then.

Maybe we should let someone else have a shot.

I mean, Josh has already made quite a few comments today.

True. You'll get your turn. Anyone else? Come on.

There's no such thing as a stupid question.

Unless it's, "Can a human reproduce with a dog?"

Like some of your peers pondered earlier.

What if some cow leads you on,

but then dumps you cos of something someone else said?

Shut up!

No-one else had one.

Mrs Neilson has asked you several times to be quiet,

and you've done nothing but disobey her!

Get out of my class.

Get out!

He has got no respect.

I'm not finished with you.

-Not what you said before.

-Shhh.

This isn't a game, Josh. We're breaking the law.

-I'm your teacher.

-Supply.

Not if I get this job.

Get another one then.

It's not that easy.

Yeah, it is.

I am not changing my mind.

I'm so sorry.

But I love you, though!

You'll find someone your own age.

Some nice pictures of you on here. This one.

Delete it.

And this one. Loads of them.

Josh, please.

If you don't keep seeing me, I'll show them to Neilson.

OK, OK. I promise.

Yeah?

KNOCK ON DOOR

That Josh looks like a bit of a handful.

Nobody likes the supply.

It looked personal.

Well, it wasn't.

You'll be glad when it's over.

What?

The interview. Hope they pay you decent money

if that's the kind of cheek you have to put up with.

Everybody knows we do it for the holidays.

You always wanted to teach?

Used to show my dolls how to read.

At least they can't answer back.

I'm just...I'm sick of supply.

12 different schools since I qualified.

I just want to get to know them.

The kids. For them to like me.

You've certainly got your work cut out with that Josh.

It was nothing.

I'd report him. He shouldn't behave like that.

It's just a front. He's not like that outside school.

I mean, I've seen him with his mates.

I'd still do something about it. Before it goes too far.

You're right. I've got to go.

Josh!

What? What's she doing?

Oi, that's my phone.

No-one expected you to get that header.

-Yeah, but I did. If I hadn't tripped...

-On a tree root.

..it would have gone in, as well.

We can get a taxi, if you're having trouble?

Mate, you'll be the one needing a taxi by the end of tonight.

Right, well, the lads are already there, so let's get a move on.

Shut it!

-Give me it.

-Stop it, someone might...

-Give it to me now!

Oi! Get off her!

Where is it?

Stop it. Josh. No, here!

-What do you think you're doing?

-Ask her.

Right. That is it, I'm reporting him this time.

Who? To whom? For what?

He attacked her. He was being really aggressive.

Is this true? Don't look at her. Look at me.

Did you touch her?

She took my phone.

Get yourself to my office.

You all right?

It's my fault. I took it.

I'm sure it was warranted.

What's going to happen to him?

He's on his third strike.

I'll talk to you later. After your interview.

I'll see you in an hour.

He's going to get into trouble.

Why do you care so much?

And what did that mean, "ask her?"

Nina, you and him, you're not...?

I didn't know he was a pupil.

SHE SIGHS

Pint, please.

# The boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town... #

Come on, lads, lighten up.

I forgot how retro it is in here. Thought your mates were coming?

Oh. Yeah.

Forgot, they phoned earlier. They've already gone onto the club.

It's 5:00.

They're mental. I've got mine, I'll get these.

What are you having?

I've already got us some Jaeger bombs.

Right. Brilliant.

You still want your pint?

Yeah! Hardcore, me.

Cheers, boys.

THEY LAUGH

I think I'm just going to go to the bog.

HE BURPS

Same again, please, mate.

I didn't know he was a pupil.

Not until my first day.

I was dead nervous any road, and then...

there he was in the front row.

My first class.

I tried to ignore him. But he kept phoning. Texting.

You should have stopped it.

I think I love him.

How far has this gone?

You're going to have to tell Mrs Neilson.

But my job...

It's not yours, yet.

I don't want to be anything else. I want to be a teacher.

You should have thought about that

before you started sleeping with pupils.

And what about Josh? She'll probably exclude him.

And you're just going to let her?

It might be all right. He'll go to another school.

A better one.

Nina, what makes you think he's not going to tell her himself?

It'll sound a lot better coming from you, that's for sure.

I've got to get ready for my interview.

Mr Nicholson?

What has happened to your face?

Denise.

At Beauty By Darcy on the High Street.

Did you know you can be a nail technician and a botox specialist?

You can.

Come on, mate, you've still got it. This is just a set-back.

You need to get out there. Have some fun.

Remind Barbara why she married you. That's what you said, right?

It's too late. You were right. It was a terrible idea.

-She left me. For that kid.

-I'm sorry.

-It bloody hurts.

-You should really get it checked out.

-I meant Barbara.

-Oh.

-She said we'd "gone off."

Like our marriage was some sort of perishable

she'd left in the back of the fridge.

Look at me. I'm a joke. An old joke.

The old ones are always the best.

Come on, mate. You're not old. You're just...not 28 any more.

And if you spend your life clinging to your youth,

you'll miss what's coming.

Wise words for someone so young.

-I am only 30.

-No need to rub it in.

Why don't you come to the surgery tomorrow? I'll see what I can do.

About Barbara?

No. About the redness and swelling.

Maybe I will...

You have a drink with me?

Why not?

The local authority will be in touch about interim tutoring

until they find you another place.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Nina, I'll talk to you later. Kind of in the middle of something.

But it's important.

I'm sure it can wait, I've got people...

It's about Josh. And me. We're having a relationship.

-I'll see you tomorrow.

-Thanks, Doc.

-Oi, where you going?

-Er...

-You should have seen what just happened.

-What?

Tommo got ID'd.

Right. Funny.

So what's the plan now, mate? More shots? Bit of streaking?

Actually, I'm going to go.

You're meeting your mates, aren't you?

They've called it an early night.

But what about the madness you promised?

-It got old.

-YOU got old.

Yeah, maybe I did. Laters...children.

I didn't know he was a pupil!

Don't you dare.

I don't want to hear your excuses, you stupid, stupid girl.

How long?

How long?!

Six weeks. Before I started. I didn't know he was...

You looked me in the eye and said there was nothing going on.

A bare-faced lie.

I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

I mean...did he force you?

No! Of course not. No. I don't know what to do.

I don't care. But it won't involve teaching.

We liked each other. It didn't seem wrong.

Well, it was. You have committed a sexual offence.

I have to report you.

Go on. Get out of my school.

Yes.

I'm so sorry.

Mandy.

I should...go to the police station.

Yeah. Come on, get in. I'll give you a lift.

Thought you were going out?

-I did.

-What happened?

Gravity.

HE GROANS

So you came back home to the missus. Bless.

-Yeah. Put the tea on, there's a love.

-Oi!

HE SIGHS

Top.

I was watching that.

Ooh, The One Show!

I was thinking about cooking tonight.

You could have a soak, pamper yourself.

Thanks. But I don't need your permission.

If I don't come, who will you have to talk to?

Someone intelligent?

If you like someone, tell them. If they like you back, great.

If not, get over it and move on.

Last of the great romantics, you are.

Hi!

-All right, shut up!

-Hi!

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