Medicinal Use Only Doctors

RADIO PLAYS

Do you remember when we were first married?

We had sex all the time.

Hm. Couldn't get enough of you.

I never said no, did I?

No.

So why won't you do this for me?

Don't start, Mel.

You're going to be working in a doctors' surgery.

You could get it sorted.

I'm just upgrading their software. It's perfectly safe.

I can't.

Why? Does it embarrass you?

Yes, as it happens, yes.

Either you do it, Brian, or it's over.

I'll end it.

You don't mean that. I've never been more serious in my life.

Do you have to do that? You said you didn't want it in the house.

Yeah, well, just be careful.

What did Mum want?

I don't want to talk about it. Why not?

Cos it's none of your business. She's my mother.

Well, I'm your father. Stay out of it.

Oh!

I need another holiday after that weekend.

I'm surprised I'm still standing.

You have amazing stamina, Heston Carter.

Oh! Good sex makes all the difference, doesn't it?

I feel relaxed and up for anything, all...

buzzy! It's really good for your health, too.

I know. Less stress, lowers cholesterol,

prevents incontinence - I read that somewhere.

And prostate cancer.

Gloria, I am a doctor.

And it helps you sleep.

Not that I got much of that with you, you little beast!

Can we go to Italy next time? Like you said?

I said that?

Yes, but I'm not surprised you don't remember.

You were very busy with my big toe at the time.

I don't care where we go, as long as there's a huge bed.

And we have to have lots of holidays, though. Even when we're old.

OK.

I know, let's go back to mine.

Now?

Well, we could do it in here, but Sigourney might walk in on us.

Actually, Gloria, I have to get some paperwork from the Mill.

I'll come with you. No need.

It'll be fun!

Who organised your desktop?

Why? Is there a problem with the new software?

It's a mess. I don't know how you can work with it.

I am very happy with the way it is organised, thank you.

Mr Leonard?

Is that the doctor?

One of them, yes.

Ah-ah! No, you cannot leave that there.

So where do I put it? Just move it, David, will you?

Put it behind the photocopier.

Is she in and out all day, then, the doctor?

I beg your pardon? That must be quite handy.

If you've got a problem, you just pop in for a chat.

We are very busy. We do not have time for chats.

What are you doing?

We have to run a diagnostic check on the computers.

This one...this one's fine.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You didn't do a course? No. All self-taught.

That's fantastic. I love your massage therapy idea, seriously.

We're going to talk more. We should hire him.

We have.

To fix the computers.

Where is your partner?

He's...checking the computers.

Why? What's he done? I just don't like him wandering around.

What do you think you are doing? These are confidential records.

Yeah, I think I know what this bloke's problem is.

You have no business opening these files!

I didn't. You left it on the screen.

Yes, well, you should not be looking at it.

I know a lot about eczema.

Medicine's a bit of a hobby of mine.

Will you please do your job? Or I will have to call your employer.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me.

Mel?

Have you done it yet? 'I can't.'

Why not?

It's a bit awkward.

'Why? You don't know anybody there. They don't know you.'

There must be something else we can try.

No! This is the best chance you'll get.

'I have to go.' Don't hang up on me!

One minute, he's ripping his waistcoat off,

trousers round his ankles...

The next minute, he's gone.

And his little face pops up from the bottom of the bed,

all hot and bothered.

I've got a picture...

Yeah, he doesn't want to see it.

Bit of a stud, is he?

Five times! Gloria!

Impressive.

Is Howard still not in?

No, not yet. We were supposed to meet this morning to talk about this clinic.

We've got two weeks to block the stupid thing.

Have you called him? Three times. At least you're here.

Well, only technically. Daniel's on house calls. I could do with your input.

Tomorrow? Is this that clinic thingy?

Heston's told me all about it.

Well, I mentioned it. 'Howard Bellamy. Leave a message...' Busy.

Why don't you give this Lucas guy a contagious disease?

Well...you're all doctors, you can do that, right?

And then, he'll be put in quarantine

and he wouldn't be able to get to the planning thingy.

Quarantine. Now, that is an interesting idea.

Thank you. Have you ever considered consultancy?

No. Don't.

I knew it was a mistake taking on Howard.

He is an excellent practice manager.

Who's gone AWOL just when we need him most, Emma.

Milk, no sugar?

I'm sorry? I made you a cuppa.

No, thank you. One of them?

Excuse me, why are you not working?

I'm waiting to get in there.

Mrs Tembe? We're out of 12-inch compression bandages.

I am sorry.

I was supposed to go through the supplies with Mr Bellamy on Friday.

I will give him a call.

Are you sure you...? Ah, ah...

DOOR SLAMS

'Howard Bellamy. Leave a message. I'll give back to you ASAP.'

BEEPING

Howard?

'Howard, pick up.

'I know you're there.

'Everyone is asking where you are.

'Please!'

I'm not coming in.

Are you OK? 'No.'

Come in, it might take your mind off things.

Is that how it works?

'Howard, you can't go on like this.

'You've got to get a grip.'

I didn't mean to pry. I just saw the details on the screen.

I'm not surprised she was angry.

Patient confidentiality is very important.

I was only trying to help. I've done a bit of research.

Have you got eczema? No, it's a friend of mine.

He's got lots of medical problems.

He should get some help. Erm, Miss Gabriel?

Mel? I'm not letting this go. You have to go.

Why are you stalling?

Do you want me to lose my job? Mum? I can't take this any more!

Just go! Mum, please just go. Yeah, for both of us, yeah?

Look, if you can't do this for me, Brian, I'll find someone who can.

Um... Why is the door open?

How should I know?

Do you realise what you're asking him to do?

You don't understand, David. I'm not an idiot.

I don't want you involved. I AM involved.

If you don't sort this out, someone's really going to get hurt.

Just stay out of it, will you? Mum, please, I just think it's best

if you just listen to me for once, yeah.

Will you keep your voice down?!

Have you spoken to Howard yet?

What?

Er, no. I'm afraid not.

OK, we need some 5 ml syringes when you do?

But we had three boxes on Friday.

They've all gone.

Ugh! Everything is such a mess without Mr Bellamy.

When I said I'd fix the lamp, I didn't mean now.

Won't take a minute.

Thought we were having the day off.

He's so rampant.

Oh! I must show you that picture.

Oh, Gloria, no.

Let me take those for you.

Thank you. Where's my phone?

I think I've become her Sherpa.

You want to watch that. You haven't, have you?

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Tell you what? You think you've got herpes?

Not herpes, Sherpa.

Is it contagious? No, it's not a disease.

Nepalese porters. They carry things up Mount Everest.

It's at the Mill.

Mount Everest? No. My phone.

I didn't take it back when you took it off me.

I'll go and get it? No need. I don't mind.

Later.

This is that cream I got for your dry skin.

Well, my skin's fine.

What are you doing? Sit.

We can't have your skin all rough, can we?

When you...you know.

You are not allowed to smoke here. You must go around the corner.

Whatever.

Who were you talking to? When?

Just now. No-one.

You have to stay perfectly still for 30 minutes.

Don't move a muscle.

Mind you, if those two get any steamier, we might have to leave.

What is that? Tantric massage?

You warming him up for tonight?

It's just a massage.

I was going to do that for you.

Why do you have to make everything so sleazy?

He couldn't wait. Fell over himself trying to get in the bed.

Broke the lamp. Ended up stuck underneath the bed.

His little bum was left sticking up.

OK. Way too much information.

Oh, don't be such a prude. It's nothing you haven't done yourself.

Can we not talk about this, please?

I bet you two have been at it like rabbits.

You have, haven't you? It's none of your business.

You haven't? Why not?

Is it a religious thing?

I'm not religious. Do you ever shut up?

I'm amazed you get anything done, the amount you talk.

You haven't got a dose, have you?

No! Was it him?

Mother!

What are you doing under there?

Bundling the cables.

Make sure you don't break anything.

Right, we've updated your anti-theft, your anti-virus, your encryption,

you've got new data software, spreadsheets...

Can you go through it all slowly?

There's no need. You shouldn't notice any difference. Done.

Except it should be a little bit faster and it shouldn't crash.

So it will work exactly as it did before? More or less.

I'm going to push off.

Can you stop and finish the checks please?

Why, can't you do it?

I've got to pop home. What for?

I won't be long.

Don't worry, it won't bite.

You know what's wrong with Howard, don't you?

No. Come on, Emma. Don't play games.

You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

I beg your pardon?

Isn't that what this is all about?

Not that it's any of your business, but we are not together.

DOOR OPENS And do you think you might be able

to be a little more professional when we're at work? Professional?!

What is it with you? I want to know what's wrong with Howard. He's fine.

How do you know?

Because I can see him.

Morning.

Where have you been?!

Personal matter. You look awful.

Thank you.

We need to talk about Lucas.

In my office.

Mrs Tembe? I've run out of prescription forms.

But I am sure I filled that tray this morning.

Well, it's empty now.

Argh! This is not my day. Right.

Right, I will have to get some more out of the safe.

No. No, wait, I left them here...

But I am sure there was more than this.

Those syringes here yet?

No, I am waiting to hear from Mr Bellamy.

OK, well, please can you let me know when they get here? Wait.

Wait, that boy...

Now, that boy was in the nurse's room

and he was working at the counter here

and he had access to the printer tray in your office.

All done.

Not so fast, young man.

Did you really think you would get away with it?

What?

Stealing from the NHS is a serious offence.

If you look in his bag, you will find the syringes.

And the prescription forms.

Please, be my guest.

Oh. Ah, yes, of course.

No, he has given them to his accomplice.

I'm sorry, my what?

The woman you met outside.

Mrs Tembe, what are you doing?

This man is a thief.

And I am making a citizen's arrest.

What happened to 'putting patients first'?

We need an impact assessment,

projections of healthcare outcomes...

Yes, yes. ..how it'll affect the stakeholders, the patients,

their families, the wider community,

not to mention our jobs and investments.

These are just words. We need actions.

Yes! And that's why you're here, Howard.

This is supposed to be what you're good at.

You must have some ideas.

Of course I do.

Well?

Could we take a break, please?

So it's possible you made a mistake?

You did say things have been a bit disorganised.

The bandages and the syringes, I might have made a mistake,

but not with the prescription forms.

They are numbered sequentially and I always write the numbers down.

Aren't you supposed to keep an eye on them?

Normally, I would lock them in the safe.

But not today?

What with all the disruption, I did not get around to it.

So they were left under the counter?

Anyone could have taken them.

It was definitely that boy.

Did you see him?

No, not exactly.

Well, how do you know it was him, then?

He was the only one who had the opportunity.

Really?

And a motive.

We could go out to dinner,

or we could go to one of those classical music thingies.

Or I could cook.

Or we could just snuggle on the sofa. Heston?

What's wrong?

You haven't said a word since we left the salon.

No, I haven't.

It makes me really nervous when you don't talk to me.

Sometimes, Gloria, you don't have to fill every silence, do you?

Is that what I do?

It's important to have moments when there's no talking.

Like in bed?

That would be a start.

You know, you're very beautiful when you're quiet.

Really? Yes.

Thank you.

You really think I'm beautiful? I do.

Only...I was thinking of doing something different with my hair,

I was going to talk to you about it first.

Sigourney thinks I should have highlights.

What do you think? Too trampy?

Heston, for heaven's sake.

Thanks for coming in. Do me a favour, will you?

keep an eye on Columbo. Don't get me wrong,

I think she's great, I'm just not a fan of amateur detectives.

That is her. His accomplice.

What are you doing here?

Looking after my son.

Your son?

It's medicinal. I've got rheumatoid arthritis.

Thanks...

Yeah, yeah. Of course you do.

Ask my doctor.

And does he prescribe this?

No.

Any other nasty habits? Prescription drugs, maybe?

I wouldn't do that. Why not?

I've seen the damage it causes.

So why were you nicking prescription forms

and syringes from a doctors' surgery?

If I stole that stuff, where is it now?

With your accomplice.

I haven't got an accomplice.

That was my mother.

I know he didn't take those things.

Did you know he was a drug addict?

That has nothing to do with this. Drug addict!?

He smokes a bit of cannabis to cope with his arthritis.

That is no excuse to break the law.

Oh, you self-righteous...

Have you any idea what it's like, living with the pain?

The constant, draining ache?

You think it's fun needing drugs just to get through the day?

Then he should see his doctor.

Doctors are useless!

I know that is not true.

If he can't smoke, he can't work!

Is that what you want?

This just isn't helping. Oh, God...

I feel sorry for the boy, but what he's doing is wrong.

That really was not fair for you to call him a drug addict.

If he only uses it for pain.

So we can break the law and do what we like?

No. I'm saying it's different.

And just because he smokes a bit of weed, it doesn't mean he's a thief.

So you are saying I am wrong?

I'm asking if you are sure. This is a serious allegation.

Someone took those prescription forms.

You did forget to put the forms in the safe.

Well, yes, but... And the police haven't found a thing.

No.

It's not a big deal. People make mistakes.

But if that boy really did not do it...

Then you need to tell Rob.

She was wearing a bandage.

Who?

On her arm, she was wearing a bandage.

GROANING: Oh, Mrs Tembe!

I am so sorry, I did not mean to accuse your son.

And that makes everything all right, does it?

But I could not help noticing that you have a bandage on your wrist.

Is that because of your arthritis?

What?

And you have needle marks on your arms.

From the stolen syringes, perhaps? Mrs Tembe!

How can you be so certain that your son did not take those things?

Perhaps maybe you know the person that did?

You can't do this...

If the pain is as bad as you say it is and the doctor will not help you,

I can see how this would drive you to extremes.

But making your husband steal for you is not the answer.

I'm so sorry.

You...you are only making things worse.

Your son has already been arrested because of you.

Because of you! I know what you did!

You have no proof. Shut up, Melanie.

Your wife is right.

If you are the decent man I think you are,

then you will do the right thing.

What are you doing?

Something that may solve all our problems with Mr Lucas.

And what would that be?

All in good time, DG.

All in good time.

Some say it comes from Catalunya.

Some from 'il caponi', the sailors' tavern.

There's an aristocratic version with lobster, baby asparagus,

dried tuna roe, a Palermo version with octopus.

You can add anything - pepperoni, giallo, melanzane,

salsa di capperi, anything at all.

As the Italians say, "Tutto fa brodo".

Oh, I'm sorry, am I going on too much?

Little bit.

When you get started, you can really talk.

Yes, it's a bad habit. It drives people mad.

I can see that.

We could all do with some quiet.

No. Don't stop.

It makes me go all funny when you talk foreign.

Will you do it tonight, in bed?

He's a little beast. Gloria, why don't we get your phone?

He was under the bed, completely starkers!

SHE CHUCKLES

What was all that about? No idea.

Thank goodness you're here, we need to corner Howard.

I can't. I've got to go to St Phil's in one minute.

Strategy meeting. Strategy meeting? What about our strategy meeting?

Fill me in later, OK?

The doctors warned her about getting addicted,

but she can't cope with pain. She never could.

And then they stopped her prescription.

So you thought you'd write your own.

Last week, I found her injecting morphine.

At least she said it was morphine.

I've no idea where she got it, or the needles.

And you thought this would be safer? I just wanted to buy some time.

There's a reason we have doctors to write prescriptions.

I've never broken the law before. Never in my life.

It's a shame you didn't keep it that way.

I have been calling you all weekend.

I didn't want to talk.

You can't pretend this isn't happening.

Do you think I wanted you to see me like that?

No. But I did.

And we made a plan.

Means nothing.

It doesn't if you don't stick to it, does it?

I am!

Then it will work itself out.

You've just got to have a bit more self belief.

The thing is, what if Kevin is permanently impotent?

It happened once. He'll never have a proper relationship.

Once is not permanent.

Will you talk to him? Me?

Maybe we should all talk to him.

What?! The four of us. Tonight.

Get it out in the open.

Aren't we meeting Howard?

I've got to go to St Phil's. Has Zara roped you in on this?

What's going on?

I've got all the answers up here.

I should really go to that meeting.

OK. I'll wait.

I had a wonderful weekend, Gloria, I can't thank you enough.

But tonight, I think I should be on my own.

Thank you for being so honest.

I could have been reprimanded at my job.

I'll probably lose mine. David, too.

I am so sorry. Don't be. You were right. It wasn't helping anyone.

So, what will happen to you?

He'll be cautioned. Unless, of course, you want to take it further?

No, no, Sergeant Hollins. It was my fault as much as his.

I should have locked the forms away.

It wouldn't have made any difference. I was desperate.

And what about your wife?

This morning, she threatened to kill herself unless I got her the drugs.

Oh, no... It's not the first time.

If you want, we can suggest some treatment or get someone to...

We've tried all that.

Do you think she really means it?

I don't know.

But we can't go on like this, though.

Maybe this will shock her into getting the help she needs.

May I?

Lucas has played a clever game.

It's going to take something pretty extraordinary to stop him.

Yes, thank you, Al. I think we know that.

But he's missed one critical factor.

Newts.

Newts?

Great-crested newts, to be precisely precise.

What have newts got to do with Lucas?

Everything.

Because? Because there is a colony of endangered great-crested newts

on the land he wants to build on.

Now, according to the EC's Habitats directive...

Newts are going to stop him?

No, not newts, Zara -

protected newts are going to stop him.

How could you possibly know this?

You said you needed it three times a day.

When? University. 20 years ago?

And your appetite's suddenly diminished?

I tried this morning, didn't I?

We could all lose everything!

Pull yourself together, man.

Hello, Doctor.

Hi.

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