Family Planning Doctors


Family Planning

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Transcript


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I love this house.

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Me too.

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I love my life.

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Me too.

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I love my wife.

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Why not?

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I've told you.

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But after you've seen the nurse?

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Normal service resumed.

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And you're happy?

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Yes.

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What do you mean?

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Just that...

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..we could not bother.

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You want to be fitted for an IUD?

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That's right.

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Are you not getting on with the cap? The coil sounds less hard work.

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I'd like the one with copper.

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Right.

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More than 99% effective? That's right.

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And I wouldn't even know it's there. Just forget about it for five years?

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Mm-hmm.

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Are you planning on having any children?

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No.

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And you're not likely to change your mind? No.

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It's just that it is an invasive procedure

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and even though it's reversible there are often more suitable ways of...

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My husband has always said he didn't want children.

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OK.

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But this morning he said we shouldn't be using

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contraception at all.

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So you think he's changed his mind?

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I don't know.

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Maybe you should speak to your husband before we do the procedure.

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You don't know the half of it.

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No?

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I'm infertile.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Sorry, first chance I've had all morning.

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Everywhere I go - Gary Lucas.

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In the newspapers, on the radio,

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the changing the face of GP practices in Letherbridge.

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Everybody I speak to "Ooh, what are you going to do

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"when there's a new polyclinic?"

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I've got nothing!

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Apart from Al's hunch about the newts.

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The what?

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It doesn't matter.

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Have you been bingeing?

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Howard?

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I want to help you, but you've got to be completely honest with me.

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Completely?

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Completely.

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Follow me.

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How about having children some other way?

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No, I don't want them. Neither of us do.

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We always agreed.

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But if you know you can't have them,

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why are you still using birth control?

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Because he'll know.

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Your husband?

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We discuss things.

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What if he goes off and has children with someone else?

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Why would he?

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You know what men are like -

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as soon as you tell them they can't do something...

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And now he wants us to stop using birth control.

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When did you have your fertility test?

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I can't find a record of it here.

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There isn't one. I did it privately.

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Two years ago.

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You've gone all that time without telling your husband?

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I was worried things would change.

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Why? Because they did for me.

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After I found out...

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..I didn't feel like having sex.

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And this has gone on for two years?

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He doesn't pester me the way he used to.

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If I say no, he just gives up,

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which could be a good thing.

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But you know what men are like.

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It hasn't just stopped.

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Ann, you can't carry on like this.

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It's obvious.

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What is?

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He's having an affair.

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Buy one get one free?

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Have you eaten any?

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Not yet.

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That shows some self control.

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The calm before the storm.

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Make it last a month.

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A month?

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One now and one this afternoon.

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Packets? No, biscuits.

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You can do this, but I can't stand over your shoulder watching you.

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Don't give up.

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Amble versus Amble-Brown. Amble versus Amble-Brown.

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Amble versus Amble-Brown.

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It's over. What is?

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Who is she? Who?

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Don't think you're getting the house, because you're not.

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What are you talking about? Amble versus Amble-Brown. What?

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Husband and wife barristers, like us, worked in the same chambers,

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like us, until he went off with someone else.

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Amble-Brown got it all.

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Went back to being plain old Brown.

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The partners kicked Amble out.

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He never worked again. You think I'm having an affair?

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Which one of us do you think they'd choose? I'm not having an affair.

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We can't both keep on working here. For the last time...

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Who would you choose?

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All right, if we have to...

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..I've been here longer.

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What did you do last tax year?

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I don't ask you how much you earn.

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Because you feel inadequate? Intimidated?

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You said you needed it three times a day. When? University.

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20 years ago? And your appetite's suddenly diminished?

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I tried this morning, didn't I?

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And then you gave up.

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When did you start giving up so easily?

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I thought you'd gone off it.

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How about this afternoon? I'm working from home.

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I'm not cheating on you.

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I love you.

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I'd keep you.

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If I was head of the firm, had to choose.

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I'd keep you, let me go.

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Morning, James. Hi.

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It's over,

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and this time I mean it. Ann!

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Good morning?

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Not at all bad, thank you. And you?

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Fine.

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How's it going with Sigourney?

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Yeah, great, amazing.

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It's great that you're still up for it.

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You what, now?

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Well, I was just thinking, if we were gorillas... Gorillas?

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Yeah, gorillas.

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We'd have been pushed aside by younger, stronger,

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better-looking males.

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Mate, I'm 30.

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You've been saying that a while, haven't you? I am!

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Ever find yourself thinking about your mortgage?

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Sometimes. Even when you shouldn't be?

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No.

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Water rates, meter on meter? No. Rio 2014? No!

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You're a better man than I am.

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Maybe I am.

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Wait till you have kids.

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Sometimes all you want to do is fall asleep, whatever you're doing.

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Sleep - the one thing I'm not getting.

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Count yourself lucky.

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Two ticks, I'll get him. It's Gloria.

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Why don't you tell her to call you on the mobile?

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I've switched it off. Well, switch it back on again,

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how else is she going to get hold of you?

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Gloria?

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Of course I haven't forgotten.

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I'm waiting for the right moment.

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Gloria...

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Glor...

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Heston?

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I'm afraid we're closed. You'll have to come back after.

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You're right, we couldn't go on the way we were.

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Sorry? I've left him.

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You've done what? I've left him.

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Come this way.

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Of course I'm still here.

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Look, I've said I'll speak to Kevin and I will speak to Kevin.

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Yeah, but, Gloria...

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So he is having an affair?

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With Sinead.

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Sinead?

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I've just seen them together.

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You caught them?

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At work.

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She works with you?

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She just started working two months ago -

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the same time he stopped wanting sex with me.

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So she started two months ago

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and he started the affair as soon as she arrived?

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Did they know each other before?

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Maybe.

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Hang on, but he said he wanted children this morning

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and that you should stop using contraception.

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Why would he say that if he was having an affair with someone else?

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Because as soon as he finds out that I can't have children,

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he has the perfect justification for leaving me.

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But he doesn't know you can't.

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He must suspect.

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How could he if you're still using contraception?

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Because he'll find out as soon as we start trying for a baby.

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Anna, are you sure about this?

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You don't think he's having an affair?

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You don't sound very sure yourself. You should talk to him.

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I can't.

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So you're just going to break up with him?

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Just talk to him.

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I can't.

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Will you?

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Me? Tell him I'm ill, hysterical, I don't even know what I'm saying.

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You wouldn't even have to lie. Look at me.

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Anna...

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..I just think you should talk to him yourself.

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I've ruined everything, haven't I?

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Where are you going now?

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Back home. To try and turn this back.

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You know.

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What? All that stuff about gorillas.

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I overheard Gloria.

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You overheard Gloria where? Here.

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Gloria was here. Yesterday.

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Talking about it? Afraid so.

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So, mate, you've got erectile dysfunction. Did you try Viagra?

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Keep your voice down.

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I don't want everyone to know about it.

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PHONE RINGS

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Good afternoon, Mill Health Centre.

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Hold on, I'll see if he's available.

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It's Gary Lucas for you.

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Oh, OK.

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I'm sorry, Mr Bellamy's not available.

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Can I get him to call you back?

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OK, thank you, bye.

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DOOR OPENS

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I am not just going to sit around doing nothing

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while my investment goes up in smoke.

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We could all lose everything.

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And yet you'd rather stuff your face than talk to Gary Lucas!

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Pull yourself together, man.

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Come to collect your things?

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I don't see why I should have to go.

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Let me.

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I would have chosen you.

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You make people feel wanted.

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You make me feel wanted.

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I read Amble versus Amble-Brown.

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Yes.

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And any judge would find for me. I know.

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Well, you can't behave the way you did. I know I can't.

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If you do...

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I'm not having an affair. I know.

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Then what was all that about Sinead? Let's not talk about it now.

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Why would you think that? I don't know.

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Then why did you say it? I'm sorry.

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I love you.

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Please don't leave me.

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Ann, no.

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I love you so much.

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So much.

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You make me so happy.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Leave it. No.

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This was a bad idea anyway.

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Yes.

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Mandy Marquez.

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From the Mill Health Centre.

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And?

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Can I come in?

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KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

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Alistair, why are there newts on my desk?

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I couldn't possibly say.

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Are these from the colony at the polyclinic site?

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Em...not exactly.

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Then what are they doing here?

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From tiny acorns... Explain.

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We've got a male newt, we've got a female newt.

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As long as there are no performance issues, we have ourselves a colony.

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Are you suggesting we put them there?

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What, in the reeds by the pond? I'm suggesting no such thing.

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So this was your hunch.

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Where'd you get them?

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I know people who know people who know newts.

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And to stop people putting two and two together...

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Absolutely not.

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I'm a special constable.

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Yeah, but no-one will suspect.

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No-one will suspect because I'm not going to do it.

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Fine. I might as well release them here.

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It's not like this place is going to be around much longer,

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not with the new polyclinic opening up the road.

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Alistair, wait.

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Can you make up your mind, please, Howard?

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The newts don't like indecision. It makes them nervous.

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It makes everybody nervous.

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So what's this all about?

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You're not ill. Eh, no.

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But there is something you want to say.

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Ann...

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What is it?

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I can't have children.

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What?

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I'm infertile.

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What about the cap, the coil? If I hadn't, you'd have known.

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What if I did? Well, you would have left me.

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Why?

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I don't want children, you know I don't.

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That's not what you said this morning. What did I say?

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You said we should stop using contraception.

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No, I said we didn't need to change what we were using.

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You don't want to start a family.

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Of course not.

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You know I don't.

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So you haven't changed your mind. No.

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I just meant...

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..I like things the way they were.

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Right.

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I see.

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So this was all just a misunderstanding.

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Ann.

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I suppose... But...

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I meant it all...

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..when we got married. Everything.

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Look, whatever it is...just say it.

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I thought it would go away.

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Then as time went on, I...

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It was me.

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I was the one who changed my mind.

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When I discovered I was infertile...

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..that's when I realised it would never happen.

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That I would never have your babies.

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SHE CRIES

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So, em, as I say, personal issues,

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professional issues,

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em, career...

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As the elder statesman, I've seen it all -

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tricky diagnoses,

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tricky patients,

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performance issues of...

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PHONE RINGS

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..any kind.

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Oh, for pity's sake, woman!

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Sorry.

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Where was I? Oh, right, performance issues.

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I've always thought it was most unfair,

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a curse on men,

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that women can dissemble their, em...

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Whereas men cannot disguise their lack of arousal.

0:18:040:18:11

Have you written a speech?

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I formed a few thoughts.

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But have you told anyone?

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My dear boy. No, seriously, have you told anyone?

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No!

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Now what's going on? I thought you were keen on Sigourney. I am.

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Then persevere.

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If at first you don't succeed...

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Then try, try, try, try, try again?

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Oh, I see.

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Well, don't be too hard on yourself.

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How am I supposed not to?!

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Think of something else? Like what, my mortgage? The World Cup?

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Marilyn Monroe. Grace Kelly.

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Ruth Madoc.

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Sorry, I'm not very good at these things.

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Then why are you bothering?

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Gloria told me to.

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Gloria told you to.

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And talk to you I have. I have discharged my, em, duty so to...

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Sorry about that.

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Heston. Yes.

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When you say you've been through everything. At my age, yes.

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But not that.

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PHONE RINGS

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Although, never say never.

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PHONE VIBRATES

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Hi.

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Hi.

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What are you up to?

0:19:420:19:43

Oh, not much. How about you?

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Thinking about you.

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Yeah, I'm thinking about you too.

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What are you wearing?

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What is this?

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What do you want it to be?

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I don't know, but...

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Whatever it is...

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Is it working?

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Yeah.

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What do you want me to wear this evening?

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Why can't you wear what you're wearing now?

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Well, then I'd have nothing to take off.

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Seriously?

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Seriously.

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Hold it, your mum didn't put you up to this, did she?

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Kevin!

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I'm sorry, it's just I've had Heston in here.

0:20:220:20:24

Great, now I'm not in the mood.

0:20:240:20:26

It's not about not being in the mood.

0:20:260:20:30

Oh, well, then what is it about?

0:20:300:20:31

I've got a meeting, OK, so I've got to go. I'll speak to you later.

0:20:330:20:35

I've got to go.

0:20:350:20:37

Well? It was a stupid idea.

0:20:450:20:48

Can you think of a better one?

0:20:480:20:50

I'm going to ring Heston, see what he thinks. No.

0:20:500:20:53

You hear about it all the time.

0:20:550:20:56

Men suddenly deciding they want children

0:20:560:20:58

and it being too late for the woman.

0:20:580:21:00

Well, I don't want them, and I'm not going to. Why not?

0:21:000:21:03

For the same reason you didn't until you changed your mind.

0:21:030:21:06

The work, the crying, our job.

0:21:060:21:08

Do you still want children with James, Ann? I can't.

0:21:100:21:14

What about adoption?

0:21:140:21:15

No, I couldn't. No, I couldn't.

0:21:150:21:17

What happens when you have a mid-life crisis,

0:21:170:21:19

when you wake up in the night in a panic you have no-one?

0:21:190:21:22

I won't have no-one. I'll have you.

0:21:220:21:24

I won't have no-one. I'll have you.

0:21:240:21:26

I changed my mind, so could you.

0:21:260:21:27

I'm not going to.

0:21:270:21:29

And what's to stop you for going of and having children

0:21:290:21:32

with another woman? Sinead?

0:21:320:21:34

For the last time,

0:21:340:21:35

I've got no interest in Sinead or any other woman or having children.

0:21:350:21:39

It's a miserable world full of criminals.

0:21:400:21:43

I know, I made 82k out of them last tax year.

0:21:430:21:46

I don't want to bring new life into it.

0:21:460:21:48

This is as much as I can hope for.

0:21:490:21:52

How do I prove to you that I'm not going to go off

0:21:540:21:56

and have kids with some other woman?

0:21:560:21:58

What do you want me to do, because whatever it is, I'll do it.

0:21:580:22:02

Ann...

0:22:030:22:04

You can't enjoy sex while you're still thinking about babies,

0:22:040:22:08

and, James, you want to prove to Ann

0:22:080:22:10

that you're not going to change your mind.

0:22:100:22:12

Can I make a suggestion?

0:22:150:22:16

Thank you so much.

0:22:220:22:23

See you soon. Bye.

0:22:230:22:25

You should have said if you didn't want me eating them.

0:22:350:22:37

I thought you might have saved me a few.

0:22:370:22:39

You've eaten two boxes?

0:22:390:22:40

Night, Howard.

0:22:400:22:42

Good night. Are you on shift tonight?

0:22:420:22:44

No.

0:22:450:22:46

What are you doing then?

0:22:460:22:47

Nowhere. Nothing.

0:22:470:22:50

Are those our sandwiches?

0:22:500:22:52

No, oh, yes. He left them behind.

0:22:520:22:55

I'm going to take them home for safe keeping. Safe keeping?

0:22:550:22:58

Refrigeration.

0:23:000:23:01

Right then.

0:23:020:23:03

Good night.

0:23:030:23:05

Night...

0:23:050:23:08

Is it someone we know?

0:23:080:23:10

How long does it take for the bruising to go down? Couple of weeks.

0:23:100:23:13

Maybe more, maybe less.

0:23:130:23:15

Is it the same for scalpel or no scalpel?

0:23:150:23:17

Pretty much.

0:23:170:23:18

No vas deferens?

0:23:180:23:19

Vast difference. I get it.

0:23:210:23:22

Oh, can you imagine doing that for someone, eh?

0:23:230:23:26

The clamp, the heat sealing. Eugh. Not really.

0:23:270:23:30

It's enough to put you off plum jam for life, eh?

0:23:300:23:33

Are you enjoying yourself? No.

0:23:330:23:35

It's just, I'm glad it worked out for him.

0:23:350:23:38

That's all. It's just a shame it took me to get involved.

0:23:380:23:41

They should have been talking to each other.

0:23:410:23:43

That's all they needed to do.

0:23:430:23:45

Instead some poor bloke is getting a vasectomy.

0:23:450:23:48

Night. Night.

0:23:560:23:57

We need to talk.

0:24:030:24:04

I think we should talk,

0:24:070:24:09

so whatever it takes, sensible, mature,

0:24:090:24:13

together we can get through this.

0:24:130:24:15

So, I've been thinking we should talk.

0:24:190:24:22

Yes, we could talk, or...

0:24:220:24:25

What are you wearing underneath that?

0:24:300:24:32

You'll have to wait and see.

0:24:320:24:34

Is it working?

0:24:350:24:36

Maybe.

0:24:380:24:39

Hello, Doctor.

0:24:470:24:48

Hi.

0:24:490:24:51

It's time for your examination.

0:24:520:24:54

CAR BEEPS

0:25:550:25:57

I should have dressed up as a secretary.

0:26:310:26:34

It's not that.

0:26:340:26:35

I mean, you're around nurses all day.

0:26:350:26:37

It will work. Eventually.

0:26:430:26:46

I'll go get out of this.

0:26:500:26:51

I can't stand another day of this.

0:27:090:27:11

That's exactly how I feel.

0:27:110:27:12

So this is about your vanity, not my sanity?

0:27:120:27:15

It' s not as basic as that!

0:27:150:27:16

About your neighbour.

0:27:170:27:19

Maggie! I'm so...

0:27:190:27:21

I was just wondering if you fancied lunch?

0:27:210:27:23

With you?

0:27:260:27:27

Yes, with me.

0:27:270:27:28

I killed him, didn't I, Doctor?

0:27:280:27:30

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