Family Planning Doctors

I love this house.

Me too.

I love my life.

Me too.

I love my wife.

Why not?

I've told you.

But after you've seen the nurse?

Normal service resumed.

And you're happy?

Yes.

What do you mean?

Just that...

..we could not bother.

You want to be fitted for an IUD?

That's right.

Are you not getting on with the cap? The coil sounds less hard work.

I'd like the one with copper.

Right.

More than 99% effective? That's right.

And I wouldn't even know it's there. Just forget about it for five years?

Mm-hmm.

Are you planning on having any children?

No.

And you're not likely to change your mind? No.

It's just that it is an invasive procedure

and even though it's reversible there are often more suitable ways of...

My husband has always said he didn't want children.

OK.

But this morning he said we shouldn't be using

contraception at all.

So you think he's changed his mind?

I don't know.

Maybe you should speak to your husband before we do the procedure.

You don't know the half of it.

No?

I'm infertile.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry, first chance I've had all morning.

Everywhere I go - Gary Lucas.

In the newspapers, on the radio,

the changing the face of GP practices in Letherbridge.

Everybody I speak to "Ooh, what are you going to do

"when there's a new polyclinic?"

I've got nothing!

Apart from Al's hunch about the newts.

The what?

It doesn't matter.

Have you been bingeing?

Howard?

I want to help you, but you've got to be completely honest with me.

Completely?

Completely.

Follow me.

How about having children some other way?

No, I don't want them. Neither of us do.

We always agreed.

But if you know you can't have them,

why are you still using birth control?

Because he'll know.

Your husband?

We discuss things.

What if he goes off and has children with someone else?

Why would he?

You know what men are like -

as soon as you tell them they can't do something...

And now he wants us to stop using birth control.

When did you have your fertility test?

I can't find a record of it here.

There isn't one. I did it privately.

Two years ago.

You've gone all that time without telling your husband?

I was worried things would change.

Why? Because they did for me.

After I found out...

..I didn't feel like having sex.

And this has gone on for two years?

He doesn't pester me the way he used to.

If I say no, he just gives up,

which could be a good thing.

But you know what men are like.

It hasn't just stopped.

Ann, you can't carry on like this.

It's obvious.

What is?

He's having an affair.

Buy one get one free?

Have you eaten any?

Not yet.

That shows some self control.

The calm before the storm.

Make it last a month.

A month?

One now and one this afternoon.

Packets? No, biscuits.

You can do this, but I can't stand over your shoulder watching you.

Don't give up.

Amble versus Amble-Brown. Amble versus Amble-Brown.

Amble versus Amble-Brown.

It's over. What is?

Who is she? Who?

Don't think you're getting the house, because you're not.

What are you talking about? Amble versus Amble-Brown. What?

Husband and wife barristers, like us, worked in the same chambers,

like us, until he went off with someone else.

Amble-Brown got it all.

Went back to being plain old Brown.

The partners kicked Amble out.

He never worked again. You think I'm having an affair?

Which one of us do you think they'd choose? I'm not having an affair.

We can't both keep on working here. For the last time...

Who would you choose?

All right, if we have to...

..I've been here longer.

What did you do last tax year?

I don't ask you how much you earn.

Because you feel inadequate? Intimidated?

You said you needed it three times a day. When? University.

20 years ago? And your appetite's suddenly diminished?

I tried this morning, didn't I?

And then you gave up.

When did you start giving up so easily?

I thought you'd gone off it.

How about this afternoon? I'm working from home.

I'm not cheating on you.

I love you.

I'd keep you.

If I was head of the firm, had to choose.

I'd keep you, let me go.

Morning, James. Hi.

It's over,

and this time I mean it. Ann!

Good morning?

Not at all bad, thank you. And you?

Fine.

How's it going with Sigourney?

Yeah, great, amazing.

It's great that you're still up for it.

You what, now?

Well, I was just thinking, if we were gorillas... Gorillas?

Yeah, gorillas.

We'd have been pushed aside by younger, stronger,

better-looking males.

Mate, I'm 30.

You've been saying that a while, haven't you? I am!

Ever find yourself thinking about your mortgage?

Sometimes. Even when you shouldn't be?

No.

Water rates, meter on meter? No. Rio 2014? No!

You're a better man than I am.

Maybe I am.

Wait till you have kids.

Sometimes all you want to do is fall asleep, whatever you're doing.

Sleep - the one thing I'm not getting.

Count yourself lucky.

Two ticks, I'll get him. It's Gloria.

Why don't you tell her to call you on the mobile?

I've switched it off. Well, switch it back on again,

how else is she going to get hold of you?

Gloria?

Of course I haven't forgotten.

I'm waiting for the right moment.

Gloria...

Glor...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Heston?

I'm afraid we're closed. You'll have to come back after.

You're right, we couldn't go on the way we were.

Sorry? I've left him.

You've done what? I've left him.

Come this way.

Of course I'm still here.

Look, I've said I'll speak to Kevin and I will speak to Kevin.

Yeah, but, Gloria...

So he is having an affair?

With Sinead.

Sinead?

I've just seen them together.

You caught them?

At work.

She works with you?

She just started working two months ago -

the same time he stopped wanting sex with me.

So she started two months ago

and he started the affair as soon as she arrived?

Did they know each other before?

Maybe.

Hang on, but he said he wanted children this morning

and that you should stop using contraception.

Why would he say that if he was having an affair with someone else?

Because as soon as he finds out that I can't have children,

he has the perfect justification for leaving me.

But he doesn't know you can't.

He must suspect.

How could he if you're still using contraception?

Because he'll find out as soon as we start trying for a baby.

Anna, are you sure about this?

You don't think he's having an affair?

You don't sound very sure yourself. You should talk to him.

I can't.

So you're just going to break up with him?

Just talk to him.

I can't.

Will you?

Me? Tell him I'm ill, hysterical, I don't even know what I'm saying.

You wouldn't even have to lie. Look at me.

Anna...

..I just think you should talk to him yourself.

I've ruined everything, haven't I?

Where are you going now?

Back home. To try and turn this back.

You know.

What? All that stuff about gorillas.

I overheard Gloria.

You overheard Gloria where? Here.

Gloria was here. Yesterday.

Talking about it? Afraid so.

So, mate, you've got erectile dysfunction. Did you try Viagra?

Keep your voice down.

I don't want everyone to know about it.

PHONE RINGS

Good afternoon, Mill Health Centre.

Hold on, I'll see if he's available.

It's Gary Lucas for you.

Oh, OK.

I'm sorry, Mr Bellamy's not available.

Can I get him to call you back?

OK, thank you, bye.

DOOR OPENS

I am not just going to sit around doing nothing

while my investment goes up in smoke.

We could all lose everything.

And yet you'd rather stuff your face than talk to Gary Lucas!

Pull yourself together, man.

Come to collect your things?

I don't see why I should have to go.

Let me.

I would have chosen you.

You make people feel wanted.

You make me feel wanted.

I read Amble versus Amble-Brown.

Yes.

And any judge would find for me. I know.

Well, you can't behave the way you did. I know I can't.

If you do...

I'm not having an affair. I know.

Then what was all that about Sinead? Let's not talk about it now.

Why would you think that? I don't know.

Then why did you say it? I'm sorry.

I love you.

Please don't leave me.

Ann, no.

I love you so much.

So much.

You make me so happy.

DOORBELL RINGS

Leave it. No.

This was a bad idea anyway.

Yes.

Mandy Marquez.

From the Mill Health Centre.

And?

Can I come in?

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Alistair, why are there newts on my desk?

I couldn't possibly say.

Are these from the colony at the polyclinic site?

Em...not exactly.

Then what are they doing here?

From tiny acorns... Explain.

We've got a male newt, we've got a female newt.

As long as there are no performance issues, we have ourselves a colony.

Are you suggesting we put them there?

What, in the reeds by the pond? I'm suggesting no such thing.

So this was your hunch.

Where'd you get them?

I know people who know people who know newts.

And to stop people putting two and two together...

Absolutely not.

I'm a special constable.

Yeah, but no-one will suspect.

No-one will suspect because I'm not going to do it.

Fine. I might as well release them here.

It's not like this place is going to be around much longer,

not with the new polyclinic opening up the road.

Alistair, wait.

Can you make up your mind, please, Howard?

The newts don't like indecision. It makes them nervous.

It makes everybody nervous.

So what's this all about?

You're not ill. Eh, no.

But there is something you want to say.

Ann...

What is it?

I can't have children.

What?

I'm infertile.

What about the cap, the coil? If I hadn't, you'd have known.

What if I did? Well, you would have left me.

Why?

I don't want children, you know I don't.

That's not what you said this morning. What did I say?

You said we should stop using contraception.

No, I said we didn't need to change what we were using.

You don't want to start a family.

Of course not.

You know I don't.

So you haven't changed your mind. No.

I just meant...

..I like things the way they were.

Right.

I see.

So this was all just a misunderstanding.

Ann.

I suppose... But...

I meant it all...

..when we got married. Everything.

Look, whatever it is...just say it.

I thought it would go away.

Then as time went on, I...

It was me.

I was the one who changed my mind.

When I discovered I was infertile...

..that's when I realised it would never happen.

That I would never have your babies.

SHE CRIES

So, em, as I say, personal issues,

professional issues,

em, career...

As the elder statesman, I've seen it all -

tricky diagnoses,

tricky patients,

performance issues of...

PHONE RINGS

..any kind.

Oh, for pity's sake, woman!

Sorry.

Where was I? Oh, right, performance issues.

I've always thought it was most unfair,

a curse on men,

that women can dissemble their, em...

Whereas men cannot disguise their lack of arousal.

Have you written a speech?

I formed a few thoughts.

But have you told anyone?

My dear boy. No, seriously, have you told anyone?

No!

Now what's going on? I thought you were keen on Sigourney. I am.

Then persevere.

If at first you don't succeed...

Then try, try, try, try, try again?

Oh, I see.

Well, don't be too hard on yourself.

How am I supposed not to?!

Think of something else? Like what, my mortgage? The World Cup?

Marilyn Monroe. Grace Kelly.

Ruth Madoc.

Sorry, I'm not very good at these things.

Then why are you bothering?

Gloria told me to.

Gloria told you to.

And talk to you I have. I have discharged my, em, duty so to...

Sorry about that.

Heston. Yes.

When you say you've been through everything. At my age, yes.

But not that.

PHONE RINGS

Although, never say never.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hi.

Hi.

What are you up to?

Oh, not much. How about you?

Thinking about you.

Yeah, I'm thinking about you too.

What are you wearing?

What is this?

What do you want it to be?

I don't know, but...

Whatever it is...

Is it working?

Yeah.

What do you want me to wear this evening?

Why can't you wear what you're wearing now?

Well, then I'd have nothing to take off.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Hold it, your mum didn't put you up to this, did she?

Kevin!

I'm sorry, it's just I've had Heston in here.

Great, now I'm not in the mood.

It's not about not being in the mood.

Oh, well, then what is it about?

I've got a meeting, OK, so I've got to go. I'll speak to you later.

I've got to go.

Well? It was a stupid idea.

Can you think of a better one?

I'm going to ring Heston, see what he thinks. No.

You hear about it all the time.

Men suddenly deciding they want children

and it being too late for the woman.

Well, I don't want them, and I'm not going to. Why not?

For the same reason you didn't until you changed your mind.

The work, the crying, our job.

Do you still want children with James, Ann? I can't.

What about adoption?

No, I couldn't. No, I couldn't.

What happens when you have a mid-life crisis,

when you wake up in the night in a panic you have no-one?

I won't have no-one. I'll have you.

I won't have no-one. I'll have you.

I changed my mind, so could you.

I'm not going to.

And what's to stop you for going of and having children

with another woman? Sinead?

For the last time,

I've got no interest in Sinead or any other woman or having children.

It's a miserable world full of criminals.

I know, I made 82k out of them last tax year.

I don't want to bring new life into it.

This is as much as I can hope for.

How do I prove to you that I'm not going to go off

and have kids with some other woman?

What do you want me to do, because whatever it is, I'll do it.

Ann...

You can't enjoy sex while you're still thinking about babies,

and, James, you want to prove to Ann

that you're not going to change your mind.

Can I make a suggestion?

Thank you so much.

See you soon. Bye.

You should have said if you didn't want me eating them.

I thought you might have saved me a few.

You've eaten two boxes?

Night, Howard.

Good night. Are you on shift tonight?

No.

What are you doing then?

Nowhere. Nothing.

Are those our sandwiches?

No, oh, yes. He left them behind.

I'm going to take them home for safe keeping. Safe keeping?

Refrigeration.

Right then.

Good night.

Night...

Is it someone we know?

How long does it take for the bruising to go down? Couple of weeks.

Maybe more, maybe less.

Is it the same for scalpel or no scalpel?

Pretty much.

No vas deferens?

Vast difference. I get it.

Oh, can you imagine doing that for someone, eh?

The clamp, the heat sealing. Eugh. Not really.

It's enough to put you off plum jam for life, eh?

Are you enjoying yourself? No.

It's just, I'm glad it worked out for him.

That's all. It's just a shame it took me to get involved.

They should have been talking to each other.

That's all they needed to do.

Instead some poor bloke is getting a vasectomy.

Night. Night.

We need to talk.

I think we should talk,

so whatever it takes, sensible, mature,

together we can get through this.

So, I've been thinking we should talk.

Yes, we could talk, or...

What are you wearing underneath that?

You'll have to wait and see.

Is it working?

Maybe.

Hello, Doctor.

Hi.

It's time for your examination.

CAR BEEPS

I should have dressed up as a secretary.

It's not that.

I mean, you're around nurses all day.

It will work. Eventually.

I'll go get out of this.

I can't stand another day of this.

That's exactly how I feel.

So this is about your vanity, not my sanity?

It' s not as basic as that!

About your neighbour.

Maggie! I'm so...

I was just wondering if you fancied lunch?

With you?

Yes, with me.

I killed him, didn't I, Doctor?

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