Fireworks Doctors

You fancy going for a late night supper, after I finish work tonight,

the nice Italian you like?

Either you've won the Lottery, or there's an offer on.

There's an offer on. Two-for-one. You can have olives, and everything.

You haven't checked the calendar, have you?

Cos if you'd checked the calendar, you would know I'm going out with Maggie tonight.

We never go out, me and you. I thought, now the kids have gone...

Don't say it like that, like you're glad to be rid of 'em!

..that we'd be living the high life.

I know your idea of a high life!

First one was the dirty weekend...

That was fun, wasn't it?

Yeah, especially the bit where you get locked out of our hotel room

and flashed that woman! Why do all our evenings end in disaster?

So you're going for a girls' night out with Maggie?

Oh, yeah. I'll make it up later on in the week to you.

How about making it up later on tonight?

Am I on a promise?

Bye! See you!

Hey. Hi!

Back to the grind.

Well, I don't think I'd make a very good Scandi detective.

You're just not gloomy enough.

Right, so what are we going to watch next?

I've got the complete Sex And The City.

Your face!

MAN BARKS LIKE A DOG

And give him his bowl of water.

It's not Bonfire Night till tomorrow.

It's bad enough as it is now.

Still, you've got some help. Oh...?

You've got a trainee police surgeon. They're going to shadow you.

Does it have to be today? Orders from on high.

Does it have to be me?

I've got enough on my plate without baby-sitting a trainee.

It's a she. C'mon, you know, Doc,

female police surgeons are like gold dust.

Yeah, well, they should pay me more.

Hi. I'm Dr Sarah Kennett.

Claudia, what are you doing back here again?

I'm looking for Sergeant Hollins?

Yeah, you've found him. Hello. This is Dr Emma Reid.

Dr Reid. Thanks for letting me shadow you. I appreciate it.

Oh, shut the... Don't worry about him.

He's one of our regulars, Ronnie Akingbola.

Somebody should tell him that it was Halloween last week.

He sounds distressed. Shouldn't we...

No, I've just checked on him.

Apart from his multiple health problems, he's no worse than usual.

Right, follow me. I'll show you the police surgeon's room.

KNOCKING

Hello? Hey.

Jimmi!

The official Plasden fan website!

I was just curious. There's some sad geeks on there.

Hm. Pot, kettle.

I'm not obsessed. Not at all.

Anyway, what can I do for you?

Susie Smart isn't playing tonight. She's on next month. Oh.

But there is a band called The Fellowship Of The Ping.

They're pretty good, so I was wondering if you wanted to come along and, er...

Tonight? Yeah. Well, if you've got plans, if you're going to a fireworks party or something...

I'd love to.

Taak. Taak. OK. Straight from work,

we'll grab some good on the way. Yeah, sounds good to me. Cool.

Record-keeping is essential. Every detail.

Of course. With the right evidence, we can solve a crime.

Well, medical evidence can help,

but the police solve the crimes. It's not CSI, you know.

Mostly, we're patching up drunks and junkies

and deciding on whether people are fit enough to interview.

So, why did you decide to do this?

Well, I work in a nice GP practice, I live in a nice area,

my patients are well-off.

Apart from being mugged outside a supermarket once,

I've never even met a criminal.

Well, if you work here, that will change.

I want a challenge. I've got the experience and knowledge to make a difference, so...

KNOCKING Come in.

Got a customer for you, ladies. Linda Ball.

In you come, Linda.

Hello, Linda.

Cheer up.

Why?

You did the right thing. She is OK, though?

Yes, I keep telling you! She's fine.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Kevin?

The good news is, it's not broken.

There's quite a bit of bruising.

I want him charged.

Why did he hit you this time?

Because I got the wrong type of balsamic vinegar.

Something always sets him off.

Or nothing.

Well, if you do want him charged, we've got the evidence.

Photos of your injuries.

All you have to do is make a statement,

and your husband'll be arrested.

And he'll be locked up?

If he's charged. But he may get bail.

But I can promise you Sergeant Hollins will do everything...

I can't do this. I've got to go.

Linda, wait. He'll kill me.

He can't kill you if he's locked up.

But he won't be, will he?

He'll be bailed, and you know that.

And if he isn't... I should never have come here.

Look, at least let me finish cleaning you up.

Then you can make a statement.

But I haven't got time. He's at the pub.

If I go now, I can get back before he gets home

and he'll never know I came here and everything will be all right.

Till the next time.

What are you going to do now?

I'll put some make-up on.

You'll need a good concealer. Yes, well. I've done that before.

Why should you lie for him?

But I can't leave him now.

We've got a dinner party tomorrow night. We've got friends coming!

You don't have to go back to him,

you don't ever have to see him again if you don't want to.

Linda, please let us help you.

But you can't. Can you?

You told Sigourney you can't go out with her any more

because you're dying of a made-up illness?

It was supposed to make her feel better.

Saying you're terminally ill?

Yes, so she wouldn't think that it was her fault that I couldn't...

I was trying to be sensitive!

You complete prat.

I feel terrible about it, OK?

Yeah. So terrible you're swanning off on holiday!

Maybe I wasn't ready for a real relationship.

You're 30, Kevin. When are you going to be ready?

Last week, she was "the one".

You're throwing all that away, because you have a problem.

It's never happened to me before. It hasn't!

You know it's temporary, or it can be treated,

but you just want to run away.

Take all that baggage into your next relationship `

what if it happens again? I give up.

One thing to think about. Your clothes. My clothes?

Mm. You're showing a bit of cleavage. Best not to show any.

High-necked blouses all the way,

unless you want the crims looking at your boobs.

Oh, no, of course not.

Two words to gladden your heart, Doc. Big Steve.

He's early. Yeah. Probably thought he'd come now and beat the rush.

Arrested for assault, cuts and bruises.

I need to know how unfit he is for interview. Thanks, Rob(!)

Big Steve? He's harmless. Do you want to help out?

Sure. Anything I should know?

He's dying. Cirrhosis of the liver, and he's homeless.

And he does have a habit of throwing his faeces at people

when he's in a bad mood.

It's fine. You just need to remember to duck.

Jimmi Clay, what do you say, shall we go for a pint?

No, I can't. I'm going to a gig tonight.

Rock and roll... Oh, that hurts. Let's do that instead.

It's been ages since we've had gentlemen's day.

Er, I'm going with Jas.

Hm. All right. Well, have fun.

OK.

Yeah, OK, Karen, I'll lock up.

You're a star! See you tomorrow.

Yeah. Bye!

Ready? Yeah.

After you.

Ernie, this is Dr Kennett.

Hello. Is it raining out?

No. Got hosed down.

We've got a big office building, by the station, there's an undercroft.

Sometimes some of our homeless friends, they sleep there.

But the owners don't like it, so every now and again they bring a high-powered hose, don't they?

They flushed us out.

Is that legal?

It happens. Ernie, I'm going to get someone to find you some dry clothes.

And I'm going to get you a cup of tea.

Thanks, you're very kind.

The bloke who assaulted you. Do you know who it was?

He said he was going to rip out my heart.

Do you know his name? No. They just call him Psycho.

Boss, Ronnie's having a seizure. I'll see to him.

Thanks. You never know - he might not be faking it this time.

Sarah. Are you all right to carry on here? Yes, of course.

Don't worry, I've done this before.

This might sting a bit.

Thanks. You're very kind.

It's a nasty cut.

Are you sure you don't want to bring charges?

No. I deserve it. I'm a bad person.

I'm sure that's not true. I am.

I killed someone.

It was 1981, the year of the Royal Wedding.

She was such a lovely girl.

Who was, Ernie?

Princess Diana.

If it'd help to talk about it...

It was my dad. I killed my dad.

I was ill, see. Heard voices.

They weren't real, but I thought they were.

They said that I had to kill him.

I pushed him in the canal.

They all thought it was an accident, but it wasn't, it was me.

Um...

Ernie's just confessed to a murder.

We need to have a quick word. Stay there, Ernie.

Claudia, stop getting into so many fights!

If you're going to dress like a lady, at least act like one, eh?

Here. Your patient ` he's here all the time.

We call him Ernie the Confessor.

He's confessed to every murder that's happened and some that haven't.

But what if this time he's telling the truth?

It would've been classed as an accidental death, surely we can...

I know it's not true.

His dad is alive and well and living in an old folk's home.

Ernie was diagnosed with schizophrenia

when he was a teenager.

But he sounded so real.

You'd be surprised what people would confess to, to get a bed.

Who's his GP?

No, he sleeps rough - he hasn't got one.

He shuttles between hospital, the streets, prison and here.

There must be something we can do.

Take your time cleaning him up. Why?

He's in here for breach of the peace,

so the longer we all take to process him,

the longer he gets to stay in the warm.

BAAAAABBBBBE! KAZZA!!

Kazza! You're looking fantastic.

So are you ` you've lost weight.

I haven't. Well, not much.

I think this dress just makes me look slimmer.

I got us a table. They're doing cocktails with sparklers in.

Gunpowder, they call them.

Bring them on!

KNOCKING

Come in.

Right. There you are, Nell. I've put you some sugar in.

Thanks.

Now, the police will need to interview you,

but I need to look at your injuries first.

OK?

Ooh. I'll have to take some photographs. Will that be all right?

WEAKLY: Yeah, yeah.

OK. I know it takes a lot of courage to come in,

but you've done the right thing.

So you're going to press charges?

Yeah. I think so.

Good. What's your boyfriend's name?

You're going to arrest him?

We certainly are.

Paul. Paul...Miller.

And does he live with you?

Not all the time. I've never been to his place.

Sorry, I don't know his address...

That's all right. If he's on the system, we'll find him.

Can you describe him to me, please?

Er...

He's...very tall.

He's got tattoos everywhere and a scar on his forehead.

And he's got these... mad, like, starey eyes...

It's OK. Right, OK. Paul Miller.

Let's try and get this sorted.

I haven't been to a gig for ages!

How much do I owe you for the ticket?

Don't be silly. You can get them next time.

Next time?

Right, I'll get some drinks.

Oh, do you want me to...? Right, thanks. Cheers.

I think she's lying.

What? But you saw her injuries.

Oh, they're real all right.

I think she's lying about how she got them.

Or rather who gave them to her.

How can you say that? It's hard enough for victims of domestic abuse

to come forward. Look at that poor lady earlier.

And if no-one believes them...

Something's not adding up.

Her injuries aren't consistent with what she describes.

She said her boyfriend pushed her down the stairs.

What injuries would you expect to see?

Bruises and lacerations to her back, but...

Exactly. And there aren't any.

That still doesn't mean that she's...

Come on. The description. "Mad, starey eyes"?

It's just that some people who commit crimes

invent this fictitious villain who's done it instead.

They always have mad, starey eyes.

You think she's making it up based on that?

Normally, I would be very suspicious. But Paul Miller's real.

He's got loads of previous, including domestic violence.

And he matches the description.

So I am going to bring him in.

THEY LAUGH

There's two blokes giving us the eye over there.

Don't look!

I've got to. I'll be subtle.

Oh, my God, they're coming over!

Can I buy you two ladies a drink?

Sorry, lads. We're spoken for.

We're married. Not to each other.

All right, cheers.

Play it cool, you said. Subtle, you said!

We've still got it! Yeah!

See? That's what men want. They don't just want someone young.

They want women like us with a bit of maturity and confidence,

and experience.

Oh, I've got experience all right! Lots of experience.

All right, calm down, Paul. Get off me! I'm innocent!

Get off me! Calm down! Stop it!

Leave it out.

We'll talk to you when you're sober.

Let me out!

It's good news, Nell. You're safe now.

You've arrested him?

Yep, he's in custody.

But...how did you...?

That was easy. We've nicked him before.

I don't want to press charges.

Don't give up now, Nell, you've come this far.

I don't want to get anyone into trouble.

If he's hit you, he's got himself into trouble.

It's not your fault.

I can't. I can't. I'm sorry.

If you go back to him now, it'll get worse.

It always does. He could kill you.

He's done it to other women, not just you.

If you make a complaint, we can get him charged,

get him off the street, and he won't get away with it again.

He hasn't done anything, he didn't do it! Someone did.

I did it to myself.

Nell, you don't have to lie for him.

I'm not lying, I've never even met him!

So who have I got sitting in my cell?

I made him up.

I didn't know there was a real Paul Miller!

Testing, one, two, one, two.

I don't think much of the lyrics!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Where's this band, then?

They're here, I reckon. Just making us wait. Delayed gratification.

They're probably out the back going, "We'll give it another hour or so."

Do you want to play a game? It's something I do when I'm on my own.

OK.

You look at the other people in the pub and imagine what they're saying.

So...I'll go first. See that woman over there?

Yeah.

So...

RUSSIAN ACCENT: "Where is my contact?

"I have brought the secret codes. I am here.

"Maybe he has been intercepted...

"Oh, no, he is here.

"All right, duck!

"The Black Country's off, they were changing the barrel,

"but I got us some pork scratchings..." What accent is that?

Russian.

It's about as Russian as a meerkat!

Go on, your turn...

OK. Um... "I'm MASSIVELY pretentious.

"I do love the sound of my own voice, but then I am a genius."

"Oh, Neville, you're so clever.

"I wish I could be as profound as you." Neville?!

He looks like a Neville. APPLAUSE

Ooh, finally, something's happening.

Promise me - no air guitar.

I won't if you won't.

We have real victims of domestic violence who come here

and are in fear of their lives.

I'm sorry. I didn't want to get anyone into trouble.

You didn't think that coming to a police station

and making an accusation like that and giving us a name,

that we wouldn't go and try and find them and arrest them?

No. I'm so sorry.

You are very lucky that I don't charge you with wasting police time.

Just go home.

Wait a minute.

Nell... why do you think you self-harm?

I don't know.

I never used to before I came to uni.

Well, you're not alone. Lots of people self-harm.

If you can work out why, maybe you can stop.

I don't know anyone.

I can't talk to anyone.

You're talking to us.

Yeah, but...but at college.

I go to lectures, I do my coursework,

and there's days when I don't talk to anyone.

No-one notices.

Lots of students probably feel the way you do.

No, they don't.

Everyone else can hack it. It's just me that's useless.

You ask me why I do this to myself. Why not?

No-one notices.

Do you want them to?

Well, erm...

one person did. This lecturer.

She thought it was domestic violence, someone'd done this to me.

She was so sympathetic.

And you thought if you came here, we'd be sympathetic too.

Yeah.

I didn't want to accuse anyone.

You must think I'm mental.

I'm not...I'm not like this at...

At home I had friends. I had people I could talk to.

So what's changed? Apart from leaving home?

My dad died.

I'm sorry.

And you haven't told anyone?

Great conversation starter(!)

"What course are you doing?

"I'm doing IT, and oh, yeah, my dad's just died."

I'm sure there's a counsellor at the university

that you can talk to. They'll listen.

They won't think you're weird. Would that help?

See, I thought I'd mind when the kids left.

But Rob minded more. He really missed them.

Even talked about fostering at one point. Fostering?

I think it was a phase, a reaction.

Just enjoy your freedom while you've got it.

There'll soon be the patter of tiny feet again.

Do you know something I don't?

Grandchildren! Oh, them!

You'll be baby-sitting and changing nappies, reading them stories.

Singing Making Your Mind Up to get them to sleep.

I've done all that. I don't want to do it again.

Anyway, Jack and Immie don't seem to want kids.

It's not always something you plan.

They've got careers. We didn't have careers.

Speak for yourself!

They're so clever.

Oh, you know, going to uni and art college.

I'm so proud of them.

You need another drink!

What time is it? Oh, my days!

It's after ten!

So? Are you going to turn into a pumpkin?

No, I've got to phone Robert. He'll be finishing his shift.

I've got to ring him.

I can't get my glasses on!

You did well.

I've seen people take one look at this place and run away screaming.

And that was just the Chief Super!

Seriously. You've survived your first shift, that's the main thing.

Anyway, I've been summoned by the missus, so I better go.

See you soon. Might see you again.

I'm not fishing for compliments, but really, how did I do?

You did very well.

You obviously care about the patients, even the crims.

That's a novelty in itself. How did you find it?

I loved it. It's so interesting. Nothing's like you'd expect.

Mm, this place can be addictive.

I know I need to stop making assumptions. I need to listen more.

We haven't scared you off, though?

Not at all. Bring it on.

BOTH: # Like a vir-gin

# Touched for the very first tiiiiime

# Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin

# When your heart beats next to-o mine! #

Oh, there's Rob. All right, Rob? Hiya!

Aw! Kazza. Ba-abe!

THEY GIGGLE

How are you getting home, Maggie? I've got a taxi, it's all right.

Are you sure? Yeah!

Be careful. Bye!

How many have you had?

I'm not drunk! Only had a cockle-a...couple...

couple of cocktails!

Really? So why are you trying to get in the driver's side?

Oh! Go on, get round. I'll reverse so you can get in.

You're bossy.

I'll make it up to you.

Karen, go on! Go!

Oh, flaming Ada! Oh!

HE STARTS ENGINE

Karen?

SHE GROANS Are you all right?

Agh! You said I was drunk!

You ran me over!

SHE GIGGLES

Come on.

It's been a brilliant evening. Yeah.

Thank you for asking me. Well, I'm glad I did.

HOOTING That'll be my cab.

Yeah. Just give me a text when you're back,

so I know you're safe.

Yeah. See you tomorrow. OK. See you.

I know I hit you because I heard it.

You didn't. It's just my shoulder...

Yeah, well, I hope nothing's broken.

I'm fine, I'm just bladdered and I want to go home.

I think we should go to A

We'll be there all night! I want to sleep in my own bed.

Let's just make sure. Go on, we'll get it checked over properly.

I'm HCA-trained.

I'd know if there's something wrong.

There's loads of doctors at work. I'll get them to check me over

if you're still worried, OK?

Stop fussing, please, let's go home.

SHE GIGGLES

Wait till I tell the kids!

"Your dad ran me over."

You're never going to let me forget this, are you?

Not on your life, sunshine!

Scared the bloody life out of me, woman!

If you don't get a move on, you're going to be late for work.

Get up!

Is the environmental inspection happening today or not?

We're the only ones that should know about this. Nobody else.

Don't worry. Your dirty little secret is safe with me.

It's more serious than we thought.

A lot more serious.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# One, two, three, four... #

A family memoir that captured the hearts of millions.