Carpe Doctors

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

RADIO ALARM SOUNDS

# When I see we made it through another day

# And I say

# Oh, oh, oh, to you... #

SHE GASPS

Hiya. You're in early.

Had enough of lover boy gazing into his cornflakes?

Might have to do the disappearing flat-mate act again, now that

Heston's dumped Gloria. Really? So what do you rec?

Bottle of red and the last episode of Plasden? Bring it on.

I'll come round about 7.30.

Ah, no. I forgot. I've got craft club.

What? You're going to miss the climax of the ten week noir fest

for Stitch and Bitch? They've moved it to Fridays.

We could catch up tomorrow? No!

I'll go insane not knowing what happens to Angel Angelikson.

I'll have to crash someone else's.

TV: 'So, for ?5,000...

'what Hitchcock thriller stars James Stewart as former detective

'John Ferguson?'

Ooh. I know.

'Day Of The Triffids?'

Vertigo, you silly moo!

Oh.

TURNS TV OFF

Do you think these are a bit too-young-for-you.com?

Nah. Dead trendy. Really? Present from Immie.

So what do you think?

Is it the chauffeur or the ex-cop's lover?

Angel's tied up in the derelict boathouse the tide's coming in

and no-one knows she's there. Who?

Angel Angelikson. The bi-polar detective.

Oh, the Swedish thing. Danish.

Hello, Mrs Donaldson.

Nurse Reid's free, so do you just want to go straight through

and I'll tell him you're here. Lovely. Thank you, Mrs Hollins.

Mrs Donaldson's on her way through.

Haven't you been watching it? It's amazing. Amazingly boring.

It's people standing around in the dark going hergensplergencompooder,

wearing jumpers you wouldn't be seen dead in, even in the '80s.

You won't be watching it then? KAREN SIGHS

Even the title like's a pedal bin from IKEA.

It's a very nasty cut. How did you do it again?

I tripped on the mat.

Whoops, sorry! Nearly caught a nice left hook there.

It's all right. I won't take it personally.

Wait for the right hook. That's deadly.

THEY LAUGH

I wish all my patients had your guts, Mrs Donaldson. Mo.

I'm going to hold out against this beast as long as I can.

You are doing brilliantly.

Parkinson's can be a very frustrating condition.

You didn't meet my husband.

At least the cut's looking all better now.

Serves me right for not letting my medication kick in.

It's tricky.

As your illness progresses, there'll be lots of alterations to your meds.

But I'm sure you'll be able to judge things.

Yes, I'm fine. No problems at the moment.

It's just in my nature to want to get on with things.

That's great.

But don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. OK?

Either here or, you said something about your daughter?

Oh, Rachel? Yes.

She's on holiday at the moment, which is nice.

Maybe we should get a carer to pop in and see you? Oh, no, no.

They've got much sicker people to be dealing with.

And she'll be back in a few days. I'm fine. I promise.

In fact, it's rather nice to have the place to myself.

All right. Well, if there's anything we can do, then just ask.

Yes, yes. Don't fuss. You're as bad as Rachel.

It's lovely to see you as always, Mo. And I meant that about the help.

Yes, yes. Bye, Mrs Hollins. Oh. You've dropped something.

Magazine scratch cards. What a con.

Never know. You might be missing the chance of a lifetime.

I doubt it, but...

Nada. Ah well. Better luck next time.

You take care of yourself.

That reminds me,

I'm meant to be flogging raffle tickets for your fundraiser.

Cheers, Karen.

Now what did I do with them? I'd forget my head if it was lose.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Oops. Silly me.

Mo, you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine. Just too impatient, as usual.

Oh, aye, dirty texting? Just make sure you don't tweet it by accident.

How many followers have you got now - three?

SARCASTIC LAUGH

Don't worry, I'm going to get out your way tonight. Mmm?

Don't want to be watching the finale of Plasden

over you two heavy breathing.

Mandy's out, but I'm sure someone else will be watching it.

Do you need help with your spelling?

You can write the whole text if you want.

Getting your mate to smutty text your girlfriend. Like...ew.

Yes, all right. Joke.

What's up?

Nothing.

Yeah. Twiddle that any faster, it'll spontaneously combust.

I'm thinking of ending it with Sigourney. What?

But you're nuts about her?

Seriously? You're thinking about chucking Sigourney? Why?

Well, it's...

It's complicated.

Don't you worry about it.

# Fly me to the moon

# Let me play among the stars

# Let me see what spring is like... #

MO MUTTERS TO HERSELF

SHE CRIES OUT

SHE GROANS

Oh. Poop.

Come on. Spit it out. You're bonkers about her. What's going on?

Nothing. You're trying to dump her by text.

Something must have happened.

She's just not right for me. It's no biggy.

Erm, clever, gorgeous, funny. And actually fancies you.

They don't exactly grow on trees.

This wouldn't have anything to do with you not being able to get it up, would it? What? Sssh!

How do you know about that?

Al. Or was it Heston?

Who doesn't know? Karen? So that is why you're dumping her?

A well-considered and intelligent response.

Thanks for your sympathy. Get over yourself.

You could be throwing away something amazing on a mere technicality.

It's not a "mere" anything. Fine. But you're a doctor.

You know how common it is - and temporary.

Yes, but it's different when it's you.

It sounds like you've let it spiral into a big deal.

Who says it's all me anyway?

Maybe Sigourney's got the wrong pheromones or something.

Classic - blaming an intelligent, clever woman for your own short...

Short what?

We were talking about a patient, that's all.

Bit of a...stiff problem?

Ha-ha(!)

DOOR OPENS

Oh, hello again, Mrs...

Are you all right? You look a bit pale.

Nurse Reid's dressing has come adrift I'm afraid.

I was wondered if he could re-do it?

Oh, dear. How did you do that?

Oh. What's the raffle in aid of? Something nice?

Fundraising for the youth club where Nurse Reid helps out.

What a lovely boy. And so handsome. Can I tempt you? It's only a pound.

I'll take ten. No, 50. Are you sure?

I've got nothing else to spend it on now my daughter has moved away.

There we are!

Blimey. That's a lot.

But you're worth it. Mo. Really...

Come on, live a little. I can't take it with me, can I?

Her dressing's come adrift, you couldn't squeeze her in before...?

Of course. Come on through. You are a lovely boy.

Now be honest with me.

Has this happened because you've fallen again?

A slight trip, maybe.

I know it's frustrating, Mo, but you need to take it easy.

I'm going to organise a carer to come and see you

till your daughter gets back. Oh. She's back tomorrow.

I thought you said...? Fussing and clucking.

She'd have me sit and do nothing all day if she had her way.

HE SIGHS

You do seem very fired up.

Carpe Diem! As my husband used to say. Of course.

But remember, the tremors and muscle clenching take a lot

out of your body and you need to take care of yourself.

I do.

I'm just being mischievous because you look so handsome when you frown.

SHE LAUGHS

That's ?10, please. Thank you.

Mrs D, you've brought me luck. That's another 40 quid I've sold now.

Excellent.

Mrs Hollins was saying how dedicated you were,

and what marvels you do with the kids.

Cheers, Karen. I'll pay you later.

No, no! She was singing your praises.

And rightly - you're a wonderful young man.

Do you need any more prizes?

Thank you for the offer, but what have I told you?

Hoist by my own petard. I'd better get out of here before I'm grounded.

Oh, yes.

Is my repeat prescription ready?

They didn't seem to have it at the chemist. Didn't they?

I'll have a look.

Is it due?

Thanks anyway.

Got to admire her, twice in one day.

Absolutely. Good as gold.

Where has my tenner gone?

PHONE RINGS

Ah, now you wouldn't happen to be one of Nurse Reid's young fellas,

would you?

Hello, mate. How are you doing?

Mr Evans?

MO: Oooh!

Er, yes. This way.

Hiya.

PLASDEN!

JIMMI LAUGHS I think they heard that in Denmark.

Sorry. I didn't know you were into it.

Danish noir is my middle name.

I spend all of my spare time in my office

looking moody through eerily-lit slatted blinds.

SHE LAUGHS It's definitely the chauffeur.

Nah, that's too obvious. It's the politician's secretary.

Nah!

You two sound like a pair of demented sheep.

Maybe it was the abattoir guy. That really is obvious.

You two are bonkers. It was blatantly the dog-walker.

I can't believe I'm going to miss it.

Karen's too interested in flat-pack furniture

and Zara didn't have a clue what I was talking about.

You can borrow my keys - as long as you promise not to give it away when you get in.

No, it's OK. I'll wait till tomorrow.

You could come round to mine if you want.

Be nice to have someone to shout at the telly with -

plus I get to gloat when you're proved wrong.

Except I won't be. I think you will be.

I've got an instinct when it comes to Scandinavian psychopaths.

I think I've got some meatballs in the freezer as well.

That sounds like an offer you can't refuse. Erm. OK.

7.30.

SHE GROANS

Oh.

SHE GROANS

Can I challenge you to a rack of pool at The Fat Poacher?

Watching Plasden tonight. No. All Swedish television is boring.

It's Danish actually. And it's the last episode and I'm hooked.

Don't make me accuse you of being a lightweight. Can't anyway.

Why? Well, cos Jas is coming round to watch it.

Oh. Right.

It's nothing like that.

It's just...Kevin wants the love nest and Mandy's out.

OK.

TV PLAYS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mrs Donaldson? Hello?

SHE TURNS TV OFF

KNOCKING CONTINUES

PHONE RINGS

TURNS TV BACK ON

'Pretty Mabel refusing to get into her starting box,

'delaying the start here at the... ' PHONE RINGS

She not there?

Her bloods have come back indicating very low calcium.

She might be having a lie down. Doubt it the way she rushes about.

I just hope she hasn't had a fall again. Dear.

I mean, her daughter's back tomorrow, but still...

No, the daughter's moved away. No. She's just on holiday.

She definitely told me her daughter had moved away

and she didn't have anyone to spend her money on.

Hence the raffle tickets.

Right, well, she's telling porkies to somebody.

Which is really unlike her.

Heston, have you got a minute? I'm just seeing a patient.

I'm really worried about Mrs Donaldson. Right?

She seems really distracted.

She's all over the place, she's fallen twice, marched out of here

this morning in front of a car, and I could have sworn she was...

Plus she's a bit confused about whether her daughter lives here or not.

OK. Maybe it's the medication. What's she on?

Co-careldopa as I remember. She seems fine with it.

Right, I'll give her another call later

and if she doesn't answer, I'll pop round and see her after work.

Good idea. Mr Walker?

Got any blood request forms? Yeah.

What's this? Going on holiday?

Erm. Maybe.

On Saturday? No Sigourney?

Are you at least going to tell her to her face?

No.

You are such a plonker. I'm just not very good at confrontations.

Besides, I'd much rather be dumped by text.

Well, yes. You're a bloke.

Apparently. She'll be so upset.

She'll think the sex thing's just an excuse. No, she won't.

I would. I'd totally blame myself for you not getting it up

and think you hated me.

But she's been fantastic. Exactly.

So you have to tell her that and let her down gently.

Who knows what might happen in the future. You could really regret it.

You reckon? Yeah.

At least this way, you leave the door open

and you haven't acted like a total twonk.

Yeah, you're right. I'll tell her. I promise.

Come on, Last Chance Saloon! Come on...

Come on you great stupid...lump!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mrs Donaldson? It's Nurse Reid from the surgery.

Oh.

Sigourney. Hi. I thought it was later? I was missing you.

Seize the day. Isn't that what they say?

Your calcium is very low. So I picked you up some pills.

To stop you rushing around.

You're looking very glam. Why thank you.

The taxi's coming in a minute. To take me to...bingo.

HE SIGHS

I hate to nag, but you've been up and about all day,

you really need to rest.

Oh, you sound just like Rachel.

A handsome young man like you should understand about wanting

to have a bit of fun.

Yeah. I love a night out.

I bet you do.

I thought I'd bring refreshments.

Ah, schnapps. Meget god, tak.

Oh. Sorry. Did you want me to bring schnapps?

No, no. I was only joking, ya.

THEY LAUGH

Phew. For a minute I thought you were actually

serious about the whole Scandinavian evening thing.

I had visions of you frantically making...meatballs. Mmm.

Yeah, I made...

We can get a pizza if you like.

No, really. Meatballs is awesome. Sure? Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

It's not that I don't think you're lovely or anything...

You look fabulous.

You don't have to humour me. I'm well past my prime.

Not at all. What did the specialist at the hospital say?

Has he altered your medication?

A month ago. Marvellous!

I don't get any of the freezing limbs.

And is that when you started being a bit energised and daring?

I suppose it did.

Can I have a little look at them?

These are dopamine agonists -

they activate the signalling pathways into the brain.

Some of the newer types like these can cause impulsive or

compulsive behaviour.

Thrill seeking, gambling, promiscuity...

That's not like me at all.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mrs Donaldson?

They'll never take us alive!

Mrs Donaldson?

Shh! Who is this?

Oh, just the man. I can't pay him until I win it back.

Whoa, whoa, slow down. Is this a debt collector?

Mo, how bad has this gambling got? What gambling?

The scratch cards, the raffle tickets...

Betting on horse races this afternoon? A slight flutter...

It's ?200! This is a problem, Mo.

Gosh, was it that much?

Did you take the tenner off the reception desk?

Yes, but I'm going to give it back when I've been to the casino.

Casino? Not the bingo. I'll pay the man as well. I promise.

Look, Mo. This isn't you, this is the medication

and we need to alter it as soon as possible.

No! I like it! It stops me grinding to a halt.

Playing chicken this morning and the skateboarding, it was such fun.

Ta-da!

One should seize the day - no?

I know it's difficult.

If I was suffering with a frightening illness I'd be exactly the same.

But you could harm yourself. Nonsense. I've never been better.

It's an illusion, Mo. Your brain is full of dopamine.

What we are going to do is we're going to get a new

balance of medication without all the risky side effects.

We can't have you losing all your money to loan sharks, can we?

I'll win it back. You know you won't. In your heart.

And what about your grandchildren?

Do they want a bonkers, broke grandma?

I suppose not.

Why thank you, Mr Bond.

No pressure. It's just you are a very nice kisser.

What's wrong? Nothing. It's just. I erm...

I can't do this.

I know and it's fine, really.

No. I mean...

This relationship.

What?

It's not you. It's me.

Yeah, right. No.

I have this medical condition.

There is lump in my erm...labiacortal cavity.

There is lump in my erm...labiacortal cavity.

Labia-what?

Cortal. It's why I can't...

Yeah, but you're a doctor, you'll get the best treatment.

And when you do, I'll be there for you.

Actually. They don't think there's much hope.

I haven't got long and I can't offer you the full relationship or

the future you need.

It's terminal? Don't be daft.

I've only just accepted it myself.

Argh! No! He can't. Can he?

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ON TV

See! Told you it was the secretary all along!

The dog walker?

Mandy was right. How annoying.

Maybe I don't have as much empathy with Scandinavian psychos after all.

SHE LAUGHS

No, but you're a dab hand with meatballs.

Well, the way to a doctor's heart is through their oesophageal sphincter.

THEY LAUGH

I didn't realise you were so funny.

You are so brave. You never would have known.

Yeah. Well...

Thanks for being so honest.

Yeah. It's going to be a tough battle, constant round of hospitals,

medications, tests...

It's awful.

That's why I didn't want to tell you.

Poor, poor you.

What's this? You're going away?

Er, yeah, no, well...

Last minute decision thing.

But if you're ill, are you going to be able to fly?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

But you won't be insurable.

I'll have to go without.

Actually, there's a clinic over there that specialises

in that sort of thing.

In St Lucia?

Yeah, yeah.

Afro-Caribbean's are prone to it, apparently.

I suppose at least you'll get a holiday. Maybe.

And when you get back, I'll be there for you.

Through thick and thin. No strings.

That's so lovely, but I can't ask you to do that.

I want to, really.

I can't. It's not fair on you, we hardly know each other.

But there's time...

There's not.

It's been wonderful while it's lasted, but this has to end.

It'll be easier for both of us if it ends here.

You're absolutely sure this is what you want?

(SOFTLY) Totally.

I'm sorry.

DOOR CLOSES

Jas, hi, it's me.

I spoke to Sigourney. Face to face. And, er...

yeah, you're right. Honesty is really the best policy and all that.

PHONE BEEPS

Yeah, but calling it The Square was a total red herring.

You expected it all to unravel there.

Ah, no. It's a metaphor.

Historically the town square is a place of social cohesion,

yet the atrocity erupts from it under the guise of normal life.

Clever! But it's the actions of the small people,

the curtain-twitchers, whatever,

that brought Angel Angelikson to the killer.

Very perceptive, Dr Khella. Oh, yes, still waters...

THEY LAUGH

Why don't you tell me what you think of this.

It's a local artist. Suzie Smart. Right. Really? Give her a chance.

MUSIC STARTS

Is that what you and Al get up to of a Friday - sad boys anonymous

working on their beer guts down the local?

Actually, it's good. Mmm.

Really good.

Even better live. I'm going to see her next week. You should come along.

Erm...

Yeah, no. Well. Probably, actually...

It may be a bit too pub quiz and beer bellies for you.

Well, I'm not sure Angel Angelikson would approve, but...

..carpe diem, eh?

Right, so what are we going to watch next?

I've got the complete Sex And The City. JIMMI LAUGHS

I'm looking for a Sgt Hollins? Yeah. You found him. Hello.

This is Dr Emma Reid.

You told Sigourney you can't go out with her any more

because you're dying of a made-up illness?

Linda, please let us help you. But you can't.

Thank you for asking me. I'm glad I did.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd