Trick or Treat Doctors

Another story...so soon?

Well, it is Halloween, after all.

Let me think.

Oh, yes. Of course.

This one involves ghosts,

unnatural acts

and murder.

So, sit back and relax.

And try not to worry about the scratching noise

under the floorboards. SCRATCHING NOISE

HEAVY BREATHING

Is that it?

I ran out of bandages. I know you're a big guy, but....

I'm a large man and I thought we should save some for the patients.

This is hot!

Where is he? Carter!

He's not there.

He does know he was taking us? What?

I'm not paying for a taxi. He wouldn't have gone without us.

Gentlemen, are we ready?

Are you going as a vampire again?!

Well, I've got the costume. When else am I going to wear it?

It's not a million miles away from your usual outfit.

Do we really have to go? BOTH: Yes.

It's an annual tradition. So is the winter vomiting virus.

All Hallows' Eve is based on an ancient pagan festival

so you could say we're celebrating our history.

Hello?

Are your parents here? Trick or treat?

I'm afraid we don't have any treats.

Trick or treat?

Trick - here, have a sweet.

I have to insist you do not feed this to anyone,

unless they are your mortal enemy.

OK, what about a joke?

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no BODY to go with. Boom-boom(!)

Tough crowd. It's just a rubbish joke.

You've got a rubbish costume.

I want a story.

Who brought you here?

Can you tell us your name?

What about your home phone number? Do you know it?

I want a Halloween story.

All right, I'll give you a Halloween story if you'll give us your name.

Let's take a seat. We'll miss the party.

Every cloud!

We can't leave him here.

Right.

This is the story all about a man who was blind to the danger

right in front of his nose.

'His name was Dr Jimmi Clay, and Jimmi was an idiot. Hey!'

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello? May I enter?

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

Would you be so kind as to close the blinds?

I have such sensitive eyes. Yep

Thank you. Take a seat.

So, what can I do for you?

It is my appetite, Doctor. I've lost my taste for flesh.

I see. I used to feast like a lord,

but now the very sight of blood repulses me.

It is not natural. I feel emasculated.

Well, a vegetarian diet is nothing to be ashamed of.

In my day, it was unthinkable.

Things have moved on. Here.

I can't abide couscous.

There's a lot of very tasty meat-free options these days.

The important thing is to make sure that you balance the necessary

food groups with the vitamins.

You do look a bit anaemic. Do you mind if I examine you?

Can you hop on the couch, please? Mm-hmm.

If you just open wide.

Say "aaahhhh" for me.

BREATHY: Aaaaahhhh.

Everything looks normal there. Can I have your wrist, please?

Funny, I can't seem to find a pulse.

That is not uncommon.

Poor circulation? Not to worry. Just lie back for me.

Right, and when did the problems with your appetite start?

A few weeks ago.

There was a time when my associates and I

would dine out on All Hallows' Eve like there was no tomorrow.

But as it approached this year

I just couldn't see the appeal any longer.

Your abdomen feels...fine.

Have there been any other issues? Any emotional upheavals?

I must confess to a certain feeling of ennui.

But maybe that's natural when you've seen as many years

come and go as I have.

Well, if you have some personal issues you'd like help addressing,

I could always refer you to a counsellor.

I don't think a counsellor would understand my situation.

You'd be surprised.

I'd like to try an exercise with you

while we run through the other tests, if that's OK?

If you think it's worth it.

I'd like you to think back to a time when you enjoyed meat.

Tell me how it felt.

I really can't remember.

Try. It's important for me to see how the old memories affect you

I do remember the sweet taste of the first bite.

So fresh, like newly fallen raindrops.

And then the blood comes, thick and fast.

I try and savour every last drop, but it pours out too fast.

Go on.

The smell is astonishing,

like a field of rare orchids.

It makes me feel truly...

..alive.

Thank you, Doctor,

I'm feeling quite normal again

Yes...

That's what I was afraid of.

Mrs Tembe, yeah, we've had another one.

Can you bring in the vacuum cleaner, please? Thanks.

'Ooh!'

I bet you thought he was going to die, didn't you?

Come on, it's a good story. It really wasn't!

What did you expect? I'm busking here.

It was a vegetarian vampire, I've never heard such nonsense!

Take your complaints to a message board.

I want a proper story. A scary story.

You promised you'd tell us your name.

Damien. Of course it is.

What about your parents? Do you know what they're called?

Annie and Norman.

What's your phone number?

Trick or treat. Trick or treat

Trick or treat. What's your surname?

All right, look,

if I promise to tell you a proper Halloween story,

will you help us find your parents?

Right, OK.

It all started with a meteorite storm.

Oh, this will be good(!)

There had been lights in the sky now for nearly a week.

Nobody knew why there were so many.

'Most broke up in the atmosphere, the others fell into the sea.

'Except one.'

Oh, you are beautiful!

'Most people would have shown caution, but not Dr Haskey.'

'His greed was such that he didn't want to tell anyone

'about his treasure, in case they tried to take it from him.

'It was a decision which would cost mankind dearly.'

KNOCK AT DOOR

Wait!

Enter.

They're about to start.

Oh.

Now, so for the next exercise, I'm going to need two volunteers.

Al?

No, I'll sit this one out.

Everyone's got to have a go at some point.

Well, I'll have my go later.

You running the clock down? Yep.

All right, I'll do it.

Yeah, me too. Let's get it over and done with

I know this isn't the most stimulating of exercises,

but it has to be done.

Can't we just pretend we did it? No-one will know.

I don't make the rules, I just ensure that we follow them.

Now, can you two role-play a familiar scene -

a patient visits a doctor with a "personal" problem.

Now, the rest of you are going to watch them

and consider the health and safety implications of the consultation.

The sooner we get it done, the sooner it's over.

Why are we wasting time with this when we could be seeing patients?

Who wants to be the doctor?

There's something that I need to, erm...

Can't it wait? No.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Haskey, are you OK?

Of course I am. Why shouldn't I be?

You left the session in a bit of a hurry.

I just had to get out of there

Just more Bellamy waste of time, wasn't it?

Are you ill or something?

I don't know what's happening to me.

What the hell is that?

I found something buried outside.

Something really weird.

Does it hurt?

Leave him alone!

What did you do?

I am so sorry. Kevin?

HE BLUSTERS Erm...coming, coming...

Have you seen Kevin?

Erm, who? No, no, no. No, I have not.

Oh, he said he was coming to talk to you.

He...he...he's not here.

Well, if you see him...

If I see him, then I'll tell him that you are looking for him, yeah?

Bye. Nice to see you.

Right.

Now, go to sleep!

Aargh!

I thought you were dead.

We are the first of many.

What? We are the lucky ones.

I don't understand what's happening.

The infection has not reached your brain yet. Unusual

But it will happen. We are the lucky ones.

We are the first of many.

Stop staying that.

Most of the parts fell into the sea and were lost to us.

We are the children of the one that survived. We are...

The first of many. I got that.

We must reproduce. We must absorb the life force of others.

No! You can't go out there.

You do not understand.

But you will.

Oh, there you are. I...

No! Leave her alone, or I'll smash this.

The seed must not be harmed.

Really? Then come and get it, "first of many"!

Whoop! LEG IT!

There's no point in running. Soon you will be one of us.

I don't think so.

Don't take one more step.

What are you doing?

The other seeds fell into the sea, ruined, right?

So what happens if Mr Kryptonite here takes a dunk? Hmm?

Nothing.

Nice try.

BEEPING OF HEART MONITOR

BEEPING SPEEDS UP

BEEPING SLOWS SLIGHTLY

Oh!

Oh! Welcome back!

Sorry I'm late.

No, not to worry. I wasn't expecting you at all.

The funeral. Has anything been arranged?

Next Tuesday.

I can't believe he cracked like that. Attacking Jas!

Can you remember any of it yet

No, not a thing.

Well, it's good you're back because we're really busy.

Blimey. It's like Freshers' Week.

You haven't you heard? There's something going round.

People are dropping like flies

They think it's coming from the water supply.

The infection spread from person to person until there was no-one left.

Soon, everyone on the planet

was under the control of the people from beyond the stars.

And it was all one man's fault

OK, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pull you up

on a few plot points here. Give me a break.

If the meteorite which fell into the sea was rendered useless,

then how come the one that your hero threw into the reservoir

wasn't also rendered useless? Riddle me that.

Because it was salt water that it didn't like.

That's actually pretty good!

You'll have to excuse them, they don't get out much.

Come on, that was pretty scary, wasn't it?

It's just melodrama and gore.

That's what young people think horror is these days.

I'm sure when you were growing up, running water was horrific.

What's really creepy is an idea

Not mindless killing.

I want a proper story, a scary story.

There's no pleasing some people.

We have to phone your parents. They'll be worried.

Trick or treat. We haven't got time for this now.

Come on, Heston, give us a story.

No, I can't.

We have to find his parents and get to the party.

He doesn't know any scary stories.

I beg your pardon?

I bet the only stories you know are Victorian ghost stories.

Well, as it happens, the old stories are actually the best

but they can be set in the here and now.

In some old boy's club, no doubt.

If I told a story, I would respect the genre.

I wouldn't score cheap points against my colleagues.

My characters would behave in the story

the same way that they do in real life.

Go on, then. Prove it. Trick or treat!

OK. I'll tell you a story, and then I'm taking you straight home.

Is that a deal? OK.

Not you!

You've made a pact with the devil so you'd better tell us your story.

My tale...is set in a club. What did I say!

Not an old boy's club. A nightclub.

A very exclusive nightclub.

Oh! Come on, you've got to be kidding me.

It's shabby chic.

No, this is just shabby! Are you sure we're in the right place?

Er, yeah.

Chris, there wasn't even a bouncer on the door.

We're probably just a bit early.

Look, I promise you, this place is meant to be brilliant.

Yeah, in about 20 years when it's had a lick of paint.

It's underground. It's authentic!

Come on then, show me where the action is.

After you!

Ha-ha! Maybe this is so underground that nobody's ever heard of it, eh?

Stop it, please!

I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I? Probably not!

I'll get us a drink. I think we're going to need it

I'm going to nip to the loo. I'll be back in a minute.

SUDDEN SILENCE

Chris?

Chris?

Oh! Come on!

LOUD BANG

Chris, is this a joke?

You can come out now!

SOBBING

Are you OK?

I'm looking for my friend.

I'm so sorry.

What's wrong?

SHE CONTINUES CRYING

Who are you?

Have you seen him?

He's in his twenties. He's tall

The master has him.

Who?

Are you hurt?

Leave me.

I'm a nurse.

I can... No!

What is going on here?

The master sent me...with a message.

The rules of the test.

What test?

The one my friend failed.

You have to do better than she did.

I am getting help.

There is no help! Don't you understand?

You just have to turn around and walk out -

through the master's domain and back out the door you came in from.

Your friend will follow you, but only if you don't look back.

Is this some kind of joke?

Have you got it?

Look back just once, for any reason,

and your friend will be kept here to pay the price.

Like I had to.

Here.

You'll need this.

What's...

CREAKING NOISE

Chris? Chris, is that you?

GUTTURAL ANIMAL SOUNDS

LOUD MUSIC STARTS

Mandy?

Chris? Mandy, please don't leave me here.

Chris, is that you?

No, that's not fair.

I'm scared. This room, it's so small.

Chris, it's going to be all right!

Chris!

Chris!

Chris!

It was here.

Ah! It was here. I'm sure of it.

Are you certain this is the right place?

Yes!

It looks like no-one's been here for years, to me.

The police searched the building and found nothing.

After six months, they stopped searching.

The girl's friend had gone for ever.

And every time she closed her eyes,

she could see his face at the window.

It was a curse that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

This was a proper scary story.

A real treat.

Thank you. Now I'm taking you back to your parents.

I'll take you home.

No, I'm taking you home.

What's happened to them?

They didn't give me a treat, so I played a trick on them.

Take off your mask. No.

I want to go home, now.

And so our story comes to its grizzly end.

I bid you sweet dreams and good night.

I want another story.

No. Please.

A scary story.

I can't.

Story!

CRACK OF THUNDER

Once upon a time...

Well, you are doing brilliantly.

Parkinson's can be a very frustrating condition.

I'm thinking of ending it with Sigourney.

What?!

Ta-da! One should seize the day!

This wouldn't have anything to do with you

not being able to get it up, would it? Shh!

The way to a doctor's heart is through their oesophageal sphincter.

I didn't realise you were so funny!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

KATIE MORAG: 'Everything doesn't have to be a big drama!

'Some can be wee - like me!

'I'm Katie Morag and THIS is my island.'