Friday's Feelings Doctors

Anyway, I just wanted to say that last night Gordon, it was...

..and again this morning!

MRS TEMBE GIGGLES

Er, yeah, I will make supper this-this evening.

I-I will call you later.

Thank you. It is Mrs Tembe.

-Gordon?

-Yes, I was just leaving him a voice message.

I'm sure he knows it was you.

Is that what you wore yesterday?

Mrs Tembe, are you doing the walk of shame?

No, I am not wearing anything that I have worn this week.

Oh, I am starving!

-What d'you think you're doing?

-I beg your pardon?

It's a shop-bought sandwich! You never buy sandwiches.

-Mrs Tembe was in a bit of rush this morning, weren't you?

-It's massive.

I was running a little late.

-It's a triple decker!

-I'm feeling rather peckish.

And crisps! What about not spoiling your appetite? What about tonight?

Oh, what's happening tonight?

'Dinner for four. My gourmet husband is entertaining.

'Of course, he cooks.

'It's more than "cooks".

'What was the thing he won?

'SuperChef.'

Rob totally takes over when we've got guests.

He comes over all Paul Hollywood.

Oh...Paul Hollywood.

-Who's coming?

-Gordon.

Gordon? Sergeant Hollins is being Paul Hollywood for Gordon tonight?

Yes! And you. So ditch the carbs.

That's you told.

'Rob composes a menu, he's been re-watching Nigella.

'That might not be so much about the cooking.

'Shut up! It's going to be magnificent. That's what he said.'

Gordon, have you forgotten to tell me something?

What? About last night?

No, about this night. Friday night. Tonight!

I forgot, didn't I?

'I have just been told off for eating a sandwich.'

What? Why? It...

It's nothing special, just a bite of supper and...

SuperChef.

Excuse me?

Sergeant Hollins...

Sergeant Hollins is SuperChef champion.

He beat me.

He is a magnificent cook.

And she... She is a big show off.

Hollins....is a chef?!

You're kidding me! I'd got him down as a total sausage-and-mash man.

'His creme patissiere was sublime.'

It made my creme anglaise... Well, it looked like tinned custard.

'Listen to me, no-one on this planet can be sweeter than you,'

and no-one could feed me better and I am not just talking about food.

Gordon, stop it.

We are having dinner with the Hollins.

THAT is what we will be doing tonight.

BLENDER WHIRRS

MOBILE PLAYS THE THEME FROM THE SWEENEY

BLENDER STOPS

I will just open up.

Hold your horses, we've got two minutes yet.

What is Escoffier knocking up tonight then?

Rob will be giving us his claf-hoof-tiss.

Sounds painful. What is that? A disorder of the hoof?

Clafoutis is a delicious pie

usually found in the Limousin region of France.

MUSIC: "This Girl Is On Fire" by Alicia Keys.

# Oh, she got both feet On the ground

# And she's burning it down

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

# She got her head in the clouds

# And she's not backing down

# This girl is on fire

# This girl is on fire. #

-Oi! You shouldn't sneak up on a person.

-I called the RSPCA.

-Ha ha.

It's Friday, it's after six, I can sing if I want to.

That was singing?

'Th-This is...

-DJ GASPS

-'..Letherbridge...

-DJ GASPS AGAIN

-'..Uni FM.'

-Asthma?

-Asthma?

Asthma.

Yes, they're on their way.

That was Campus Security. University Radio. Off you pop.

-But it's Friday, it's after 6.

-Kevin!

Doctor Tyler, it's round the corner -

you'll get there before the paramedics.

-But I don't know where it is.

-I do. Come on.

# This girl is on fire. #

SHE GASPS DANCE MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

Are you OK?

-What are you doing?

-Try and stay calm.

We're doctors. Have you got your inhaler?

-Why...are you here?

-We're here to help.

-I don't need...any...help.

-OK, then.

We heard what sounded like an asthma attack on air.

-There's an ambulance on its way.

-Don't be...ridiculous.

You can't breathe.

SHE GASPS

Nebuliser.

You need a nebuliser and you need to have your breathing normalised.

I'm running...a radio station.

The paramedics will sort it. You'll be fine.

Or you'll be running nothing.

-Haven't you got an auto-pilot or something?

-It's on.

So, sit down and let's wait for the paramedics.

It's quicker if we...go down.

Touch nothing.

MOCKING: "Touch nothing"!

MUSIC GOES QUIET

MUSIC CONTINUES FROM HEADPHONES

# Everybody in the club

# All eyes on us All eyes on us

# I want to scream and shout and shout and let it all out

# And scream and shout and let it out.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

The IPA is 8.7% but tastes like earwax and onions.

Delicious(!) What about that one from Surrey?

All head when it's poured,

flat as a fart by the time you get it to your table.

-What if I drink it at the bar?

-How about a dark beer?

Tend to avoid the dark.

-This porter is fan-freaking-tastic.

-Go on then.

I can give you a taster glass first if you like.

-No, no, no, pint me.

-Good man!

MUSIC: "Firestarter" by Prodigy

Sorted?

Yeah. She's off to St Phil's. She'll be fine.

Daft mare. No inhaler.

Ah, these are good.

-Doctor DJ in the house.

-Don't do that.

Why not? No-one can hear us.

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

Cool. Let's play DJ.

You're listening to...Hot and Spicy on Letherbridge Uni FM.

Whoo! So, who am I, bro'?

You're Spicy, girrrrl!

What a butt monkey! That is so sexist, innit?

This here is Miss Jazzy K and she is going to take you all the way.

All the way! You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

Swear down, this lady is hotter than July in Jamaica!

THEY LAUGH

What's the matter with you? What's going on? Where's the dinner?

I've had equipment malfunction,

the eggs aren't fresh and I've had a pastry nightmare.

See this towel?

I'm throwing it in.

You're throwing it in? You're the sodding SuperChef.

-It's not a competition.

-It so is.

I've over-stretched myself. It's all gone wrong.

My clafoutis - it's a disaster!

You've started steaming the sugar snaps peas already!

-I know I have! My mojo...

-Don't you mojo me!

Mrs Winifred Tembe knew how to pronounce "clafoutis" -

how could you do that to me?

DOORBELL

You've got to be kidding! Forget the posh peas, we'll nuke some frozen.

-What else have you got left to do?

-Everything.

Apart from the rough puff, it's resting in the fridge.

Of course it is.

You've caught the chef on a good day.

Look, my shift's over at ten past. You having another pint after that?

Oh. Yeah. I could do another porter.

-Great, I'll sink one with you then. That OK?

-Mm!

-Brilliant.

Hi. This is Doctor Khella. I'm enquiring about a patient.

KEVIN: # It's Friday, I'm in love...

Um...

# Saturday. #

Um, sorry, I'll call you back.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-'Is that Flashy or Spicy?'

-What's in a name?

'Yeah, well, good start. Really like her.

-'Rest of the show's a bit sucky.'

-Who is this?

-WHISPERS FRANTICALLY:

-We've been on air! You're on air.

What did we say? Do you remember what we said?

-I said loads of stuff.

-How? Did we swear?

-Your bag hit the knob.

-Did you drop the F bomb?!

-You dropped the F bomb.

-I didn't! But you might've.

It's his creative temperament. He'll be fine.

-Will you be fine, Rob?

-'Course he will. Let me take that.

You two go and make yourselves comfy.

Would you like me to...?

No, I'd like it if you to made yourselves comfy.

What do you want me to do, Rob? Dial a sodding pizza?

You should have won SuperChef.

I've even managed to mess up the mange tout.

Look, it's Friday night - what about fish and chips? I'll go.

Mmm. Mmmm!

Now this - this has been made by a SuperChef.

-But maybe...?

-French tarragon?

A tiny snippet, huh?

WHOA!

-CLATTERING

-Ow!

Oh, my Goodness!

Do we all want mushy peas?

-It's me ankle!

-Try to take the weight off it.

-It's just a bit of egg wash.

-Mr Entertainment.

You have done all the hard work. Gordon and I need only finish.

-I do not mind at all.

-No, we don't mind.

You are a real life-saver. A natural star.

You know that, don't you?

Well, I just have the ability to stay calm in a crisis.

-Gordon, we are going to need an egg.

-Yeah?

-We need another egg.

-I love you.

And I would love you even more if you got me an egg.

Oh, er...don't mind me.

Let's just...

It's...

It's for the patient. I didn't want to interrupt.

-So where's this from, then?

-A craft brewery in Staffordshire.

I ordered it in. The landlord's a right wuss.

Doesn't know what's on his doorstep -

too idle to find out, so he buys in boring slop from a wholesaler.

-Ah, the politics of Real Ale.

-You know it.

Listen, if you're seriously coming over to the dark side,

there are some smashing breweries round here.

They brews really ace dark beers.

Some of them national prize winners,

maybe we could go out and do a beer tour,

check out the other Staffordshire horde!

-I'm not one for playing gooseberry.

-Come again?

Traipsing round local micros, following you and your boyfriend.

What boyfriend?

There's no boyfriend.

-Er...sorry about that. I was just trying to tell her...

-What?

Well, you know, how much she means to me.

Does that mean that you've... done it?

Sergeant Hollins. I do not think you are going to need

anything more than a butter knife to cut through this fillet.

But I have brought your carver, just in case.

Look at that! You've rescued my Beef Wellington.

There was very little to do.

I might have won the SuperChef crown, Mrs Tembe,

-but you should wear it.

-Nonsense!

SuperChef was all about the best cook on the day

and that was YOUR big day.

-Talking of big days...

-Karen!

What? I just want to know if I should be buying a hat.

Wow, this is uncomfortable.

-You did touch my knee.

-I'm demonstrative! So shoot me!

We were hitting it off. Anyway, I was well clear of your pant area.

What's up with you?

I had a bad experience recently.

I got strung along...

-and I got hurt. I just don't need it.

-OK, your call.

So the food bank - how's it looking, Gordon?

-Really good, actually.

-It is a ground-breaking project.

Well, not particularly.

Really? Is it not?

No, there's a group in Birmingham who've collected donations

from the Bullring market traders

and turned them into vegetarian feasts for the homeless for years.

Didn't our Immie volunteer there? In an old swimming baths?

In Nechelles.

Or "Nay Shells" as we thought it was pronounced

when we first came to Birmingham.

Leslie helped out with a similar scheme in my old parish.

She, er...

She was a homely cook.

Homely? Oh.

Well, to be honest, that's probably the most complimentary

one could be about Leslie's cooking.

She'd always offer to peel the spuds.

My wife used to say that that way she could do least harm.

You must miss her.

Oh, yeah, of course.

But...time softens the edges.

Don't you find, Winifred?

Well, it is difficult talking about such sad things.

But you don't mind me talking about Leslie?

Oh, no. No, no, no, of course not.

I would be concerned

if you felt you could NOT share memories of your wife.

I'll tell you one thing - she could never have rescued a Wellington!

SHE CHUCKLES

What about you, MRS Tembe?

What about me?

I don't think I've ever, ever heard you talking about your husband.

Well, I lost my husband a very, VERY long time ago.

Did I not tell you how tender this beef would be?

-SHE LAUGHS

-It's not funny!

You complete cow!

Oh, not again, Boyd! Bog off!

-What's this? Stalkers' Friday?

-I knew you was lying.

Seriously - bog off.

"It's not you, it's me. there isn't anybody else."

Oh, right. I'm not getting stuck in the middle of this.

She's all yours, matey.

I can overlook the fact you just talked about me like I'm not here,

but as a commodity? Really?!

I'm all his?! Are you having a laugh?

-You two stay here, I'll go.

-Good. You great, big, ugly tart.

Oh, who wouldn't want to be your girlfriend?

-Apologise for that.

-Why?

Don't you just love a bit of Dusty Springfield?

Normally on a Friday night, I make do with something on toast.

So how did you meet your husband?

I met him on the very first day of school.

He sat beside me on the school bus.

We had identical lunch boxes.

-It was as if it was meant to be.

-Awww, that's so romantic.

Childhood sweethearts.

His father worked for the diamond mining company

and his mother was from Droitwich Spa.

I could not have imagined a place that sounded more glamorous.

Your mother-in-law is from Droitwich?

The Botswanan leader, Seretse Khama,

he had married his wife while he was at Oxford.

Our president and his white wife. Between South Africa and Rhodesia...

Thomas...

Thomas Tembe seemed so exotic to me...

with his mother from Droitwich Spa.

You were together for so long.

It was as if it was meant to be.

From that first day on the bus.

When I first lost him...

..I truly thought the pain would kill me.

Did you never feel anything for me? Never ever?

We were mates. And there was that one, big, almighty clue.

-What clue?

-We never had sex!

We were never a couple.

I was never your girlfriend.

So that's it, then? It's over?

We could have still been friends if you weren't such a nasty twerp.

You're not going out with this bloke to make me jealous?

Not that it's any of your business,

but he don't want to go out with me.

-What? Is he gay?

-No!

You're not gay, are you?

-No - I don't want to go out with anyone.

-See?

Not even if I tell you

it would be highly likely that we would have sex,

possibly just after a couple of dates, if it all went well?

-I can't.

-OK, last chance.

I do want a proper mate, like mate mates.

Someone in my life I can love and have fun with.

-Want to see if it's you?

-Nah.

Right, that's it. I'm off. You two have fun.

Stick to the dark beers though, eh? Black is the new black.

Women, eh?

Yeah, I know.

How are we ever supposed to work out what they really mean?

Mm. Or what they really want.

-Do you still see your mother-in-law?

-No, no, she's still in Gaborone.

How did he die?

Well, it...

it was quite a shock.

I really did not have time to prepare.

So, Rob, special instructions with regard to pudding?

No, no, you stay there.

We've got this.

So what's the score, then? Are you?

Do you play for the other team or what?

Nah. I just feel a bit battered.

Fell off the great steed of romance.

Don't feel like getting back on.

Gay.

Offensive.

Even if I was...

..I was I'd feel like this.

Tell you something though, when I do get back in the saddle,

it'll be with a mare, not a stallion.

THEY LAUGH

I like you.

I'm going to call a cab. So you want to share?

No way, Jose!

It's Friday night - I'm gonna hit the clubs,

find me some proper, high-heeled, top-class toots.

Don't ask any more questions.

You...must be mother.

So, did you plan to have children?

Well, not being a mother is one of the greatest sadnesses of my life.

You are very lucky.

How did he die?

I think I would have been a good mother.

I thought I had found my soul mate.

I thought I knew what path my life would take.

But you know what they say - if you want to make God laugh...

tell Him your plan.

He has a plan, sometimes it's hard to see.

I know.

What happened?

He was crushed under some machinery. He died instantly.

That's a blessing of sorts.

On those first days when I lost him, I was tested.

It did not feel like a blessing to me.

No, no, I'm sure not.

At least Leslie and I had time.

On that last morning...we fought.

The last time I saw my husband, I said some terrible things.

But he knew that you loved him.

No.

I was tested and I failed.

I shouted at him because I wanted him to know how I was feeling.

I shouted.

But the-the...

My heart was full of anger and my mouth was full of spite.

The lunch boxes and all the happy years you spent together.

-Your husband knew you loved him.

-My mother...

My mother always said never to let the sun set on an argument.

Those last days, I said some terrible things to him.

And the sun rose on my anger.

I think... I think that's why part of me came here,

because I just wanted to get out of the sun.

So after the news at nine, we're talking "Dumped".

Did he pack you in? Did you dump her?

Make-up sex, break-up sex. How long is too long to be single?

How long is too long to be the wrong couple?

We'll be hearing from a whole...

..bunch of losers.

Well, thank you for a lovely evening.

I will invite you round for supper soon.

-I am so sorry I spoilt it.

-No, you didn't.

Are you sure you're going to be all right?

Yeah, I just need to get home.

-I'll make sure she's all right.

-Look after her.

-I will be fine.

Thank you.

-See you.

-Bye.

Ohh.

A SOULFUL ARIA PLAYS

Oh, Thomas.

-You're nicked!

-You're making a massive mistake!

Yeah, that's what they all say.

I'm arresting you for possession.

You don't have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you don't mention when questioned something you rely on in court.

-Who made this arrest?

-I did.

My office.

-I was just going to...

-Now!

Have you any idea what you've just done?

No, not really. Do you mind telling me?

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