Two Lemons and a Bar Doctors

In your dreams.

We need something a lot more practical than that

to get around in future.

It would be practical, I was talking to Dodgy Dave...

Yeah, cos it's always a great idea to take advice from someone

with a nickname like that.

Come on, shift it - you've got that appointment to get to, and I'm up to

my armpits in jobs around here, and I've got one day off

to get it all done.

As thick as dog poo and twice as annoying to find on the doorstep.

But my heart's in the right place.

Yeah, pity not everything about you is.

Sorry - that came out wrong.

Buy me the bike and we'll call it evens.

Go on, I don't want to get your lurgies - go on,

go get your test results. We need you fighting fit.

Bus fare?

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Karen.

I've brought some things from home. A change of clothes...

Why do you keep coming back?

Because it's hard for me to stay away.

We've been here before, me and you.

We've seen off some tough times between us.

Nothing as big as this, I know...but we've always managed it together.

Together? I don't even know you.

I'm fed up of people telling me who I am and what I am...

I hate you.

You know, the real you wouldn't say that.

See, there you go, telling me how I feel.

OK. All right...

It's not all right.

I wake up and bang - I don't know who you are,

I don't know where I am, I don't know this body.

I want you to go away. Get out!

Nurse?

Nurse!

It's all right, I'm leaving.

Bye, love.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

It's me. How's your leisurely day off going so far?

Busy. I don't think we're going to be able to meet.

No? I've got a big pile of laundry to do,

even bigger phone call with my mum,

and lunch is literally going to be a banana on the run.

Tell you what, how about meeting me at the Medena instead?

Dream on.

Or you could ask this handsome, clever man if he's managed to wangle

a favour from a patient and get us a table?

Shut up - are you serious?

Yeah. I'll meet you there in about an hour.

Really? Cool.

Well, it's not flu you're not dealing with, Mr McDonagh.

Top result. I've been banished to the back bedroom

cos she didn't want to catch it.

Darren Junior's been on bread and water.

Well, Darren Junior may have to stay in quarantine,

but putting that rather alarming image to one side,

you have Hepatitis B, I'm afraid.

Hepatitis? Yeah. It's serious but treatable.

I'll refer you to the liver specialist at St Phil's,

but with time you should make a full recovery...

Hepatitis... Pull the rug out, Doc.

You need to cut down on your drinking.

And if you're having unprotected sex with your wife...

I told you, it's been off the menu. Yes, but these things can take

a while to manifest. How long have you had the symptoms?

Oh. She needs to be tested.

If she's not infected, she needs to be immunised. Now, until then...

More tests. Great. Flaming great.

How does this affect our chances of having a baby?

Hi, Karen.

I've bought you some grapes.

I did eat a few. How are you doing?

I heard you went shopping. Did you have fun?

Nice girly trip looking at clothes?

Must've made a change from being stuck in here.

"George Michael is gay". There you go.

But I'd prefer it if you call me Al.

Remember that one? Paul Simon?

# I can call you Betty... #

Let's see if we can find that.

HE HUMS

What's going on?

Why are you acting all middle-aged?

There she is, welcome back.

Careful, it's not an etch-a-sketch, it's a tablet. A computer.

I know, you told me before.

You touch the screen, remember?

I found you some famous icons of the '80s.

Aw, Boy George. I'd kill for them cheekbones.

Ah, Duran Duran! Me and Maggie in the Rum Runner,

trying to chat up Simon Le Bon, and then we saw him on

Top Of The Pops.

Mum? It's gone wrong again.

I don't know. I'm following the pattern

but it just keeps coming out all...

Maybe they printed it wrong..

What? Tension of the needles?

I've got enough tension going on as it is.

No, it's fine. Darren's gone to the doctors,

so I've got five minutes to myself...

No, it's fine, I told you.

Next step.

Whoa, serious.

What's ESC?

Let's just concentrate on the QWERTY keys.

I want you to type your name.

No, no, no. You are an accurate, fast, touch typist.

Come on, put your fingers in the correct secretarial school position.

Look at me. And type your name.

Oh, that's freaky...

It's called muscle memory. Your brain has retained that skill.

Let's try something else. Um...

OK, this is a good one.

Still looking at me...

type, and don't think about it, [email protected].

Yes, you see? You typed @, not A-T.

Like the curly snail, like in an e-mail address.

What's an e-mail address?

She had a win on the scratch cards. Nothing major.

We're not minted, feet-up, early retirement rich.

So she decided...

IVF at a private place.

She figured we'd have more say than on the NHS.

Have you done the preliminaries?

Already had one go at it.

No joy, obviously. Big dent in the back account.

Put your money in the slot, pull the handle - no pun.

Two lemons in a bar, I know. I think you should know

that your chances are greatly reduced.

How's that? Hepatitis B.

I think you should go back to the clinic and discuss it with them.

PHONE RINGS

Hey!

Put it to your ear.

Hello. Hello, Dr Haskey speaking.

Can you hear me? Go outside!

Can you hear me?

Of course I can. Hello.

This is the future, isn't it? I just need this in my handbag

with my lippy. Oh, bye.

How does it work?

There's so much more to it. There are find photos and everything.

Just...have a play.

Oh, I've seen her... She's been in.

Yeah, that's Imogen. Who else is there?

See? That's you and Rob.

No. It's me, but it's not. I don't like that.

There's a chance your wife has it...

which, of course, has implications if you want to have children.

We paid them, they do what we want.

Yes, but money doesn't automatically give you that level of control.

The clinics have to be scrupulous on behalf of everybody else.

Now there are a small number of places that deal with

problems like yours. But?

They are very few and far between and they are quite expensive.

And you may have to wait up to a year and have regular blood tests.

That's it then. Game over.

She's going to do one. She is going to proper kill me.

Got any tablets for that?

PHONE RINGS

Right on cue.

Not late, am I? No, perfect timing.

This is really impressive, isn't it?

I think you just put it into perspective.

You are the most beautiful woman in here.

Ooh, what a line.

It's not a line if you mean it.

Well, thank you.

SHE LAUGHS

All right? What took you so long?

And why weren't you answering your phone?

The good news is, it's not flu.

I've got Hepatitis, but it should be OK,

it's just...we've got to change plans. For now.

You've got to get tested and all.

Hepatitis? I see.

So, who is she? Who?

The slapper you caught it off. What? No-one! Don't talk daft!

I'm not stupid. You get it from sex - it said so on the forms

at the clinic that I spent hours filling out, and they asked us.

No-one except you - and not even that for weeks!

That was for both our sakes

and you couldn't keep it in your pants that long. Listen to yourself.

I was already sick, so I had it before that - do the maths.

So you've been putting it about for months now? I've not cheated!

Then how did you get it?

Right, I'm having the squid cooked in spices.

Um... I'm going to have the Greek salad for a starter...

Oh, go on, live a little.

I don't believe it...

Seen something else you like? No.

Jas? Thought it was you.

Aran. How are you?

Yeah, great. You?

Fine. Um... You remember Jimmi, Jimmi this is Aran, and...?

Hamara. This is Jas.

Hi. Hello. Hi.

Looks like we're neighbours. Yeah, it's always jam-packed.

Well, it is very popular. Have you been here before?

Oh, yeah. Several times.

It's our favourite, isn't it?

Oi, how did he get it? I'm sorry?

Not half as sorry as you'll be

if I don't get the truth out of one of you. Mr McDonagh?

Sorry, Doc, she's got it in her head I'm ill cos I've been playing away.

It's Hepatitis - how else do you get it?

The whole world doesn't have to know that.

They do if they don't want your macho gazpacho

ruining their lives, too. Nice. Real classy, that.

Not that it's much cop for anything, full stop.

Mrs McDonagh, Hepatitis B is not always contracted from people

having unprotected sex. See?

Well, he didn't get it leaving a permanent bum print on the sofa.

May I? Let the man speak!

Using unsterilized equipment for things like, acupuncture. Tattoos.

Body piercing... Hold up, tattoos? How far back?

Two months, possibly more.

You got that ages ago.

You said the symptoms don't always appear straight off.

Eight weeks ago long enough? It's a possibility.

You great, useless - all that planning, all that money,

and for what, you stupid idiot. Oi!

Why don't we go in and discuss this like adults.

People who are responsible enough to have a baby.

He means me. You stay here.

I'm sick of the sight of you.

Rob? Are you waiting to see Karen?

I have to watch from a distance.

Something you'd know about.

Al, I'm sorry.

Can we start again?

How is she?

The human mind is an incredible thing.

It's all there, still. She knows things

but she doesn't understand how she knows them.

How is it all there?

If she has no idea who I am, or the kids, or our life...

No, no, no, she does.

But she doesn't make the connection back to herself.

It's complex, I'm sorry.

You've attended traffic accidents? Yeah, go on.

OK, there's an accident and the cars are all gridlocked behind it.

You're the first officer on the scene. What are you going to do?

You redirect the traffic, or you let them through one by one slowly,

or you have to make them wait.

OK. Let's think of Karen's trauma like that.

There has been an accident and the cars are all gridlocked.

They're trying to find an alternate route,

but it's going to take them longer.

Some of Karen's normal brain functions are stuck

behind that crash, and they are trying to find an alternate route.

Her long term and her short term memory are all mixed up

in that traffic jam.

Right. But can anything be done about it?

We get the memories back to their correct pathways,

get traffic flowing.

How do you do that?

This doesn't entirely rule out fertility treatment,

as I explained to Darren. This is my optimum time, you know?

I'm the breadwinner, we rely on me.

I've had to fit this in with where I am on the career ladder.

As a woman, you have to do that on top of everything else.

We need to work out where we stand,

whether you're infected or need to be immunised.

Then are a number of specialist clinics.

Another one? Are you off your flaming chump?

I've been up in stirrups more times than Frankie Dettori, as it is.

And you want me back at the starting line?

It's not for me. It's for you and Darren.

Him? He's the cause of all this, straight down the line.

If I could go it alone...

What's it you say again? A dangerous disease, something?

A dangerous disease requires a desperate measure.

Maybe you could provide your own personal measure?

There's nothing I can prescribe...

No, I mean something from your "private stock".

My private stock?

You want me to be your donor?

You've got class, you're smart. I mean, look at you in your bowtie.

You're understanding, you're like...the anti-Darren.

Think I'll have the swordfish as my main...

I've had it, it's nice.

Good.

So, how long have you guys been seeing each other?

A while.

Past the hesitant, hand holding, where's-this-going phase, then?

We've never hesitated. In fact...

we're promised to each other.

Really? Yep.

Congratulations, that's great. I'm really pleased for you.

Thank you.

Sikh tradition. It means they're engaged to be engaged.

It's a commitment. Bit more to it...

Than boyfriend, girlfriend.

Ah, right. Well, that calls for something, doesn't it?

Waiter, can we get the wine list again, please?

Thank you.

Can't you see how ridiculous this is?

I'm not asking you to be the baby daddy, no money or anything, just...

a nod in the right direction.

Yes, a nod in the direction of me being struck off.

It's about the most unethical thing I could do. No-one has to know.

Look, I appreciate how difficult things are for you,

but that's clouding your judgment.

I just want to have a baby! Why does it have to be so hard?

I feel like I'm being punished cos I can't do it the old-fashioned way.

I sympathise, I really do, and if I was having a family,

I'd want to do it the old-fashioned way.

So, I come to you for help and you want sex in return?

What? No!

Yes! You said you want to do it the old-fashioned way.

What kind of a pervert are you?

What are you looking for? Top Of The Pops again.

Couple of things. This is for writing down anything you remember,

and I also want to set up a Wiki site for you.

A wiki-what? Sounds rude.

It'll be a place for people to put memories or photographs of you.

Like an online memory bank that you can access ...

MUSIC PLAYS

I know this.

# Maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

# Cos after all... #

This is Wonderwall, which is from 1995.

Get away!

How do I know that?

Sometimes we recall experience through emotion.

Listening to this, how does it make you feel? Happy? Angry?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Everything OK? I told you...

I asked Rob to come - he's going to help with the Wiki site.

Karen has just remembered something from the '90s.

Yeah?

Brilliant, that is great.

These might help as well...

What are they? Photos.

Shall I take those? Yeah.

Al says that you've been using your phone.

Nothing to it. Suppose you've got one.

It'll have my number in it, you know.

Any time you want to give me a call. Mine takes pictures.

Yeah, mine too.

You want to do something?

Take a picture of me and Al.

You can use it on your wiki site it. A new memory or whatever.

That's a good idea.

Best smiles.

Smile.

You said you wanted sex.

Will you stop shouting.

All I'm saying if I was starting a family, I'd want to do it

the old-fashioned way, but here's the crux - with someone I loved.

Yeah, well, you want to be careful how you say things.

Well, you could learn that lesson.

I know you're trying to solve your problems,

but a quick fix won't do it.

Is that what you think this is?

Going private, you think, is a "quick fix"? I didn't say that.

But...there is more to a family than just acquiring things.

Money can't buy me love? Or peace of mind.

Yeah, well, unlike you, I've never had a decent wad before,

so I wouldn't know, would I?

Scratch card winnings, that's all this is.

And you've just bought your way into a bigger lottery.

Oh, I really need you.

You need to stop and listen...

..and talk to Darren.

Men. You're all useless in the end.

If it's all right with both of you,

I would very much like to make a record of all of this.

In what way?

I'd like to write an academic paper on Karen's case.

I'd like to write an academic paper on Karen's case.

It really is unique and I think it would be of help in the future.

I'm unique? Right.

So that's what this is all about?

How do you mean? Why you're really here.

All this talk about helping Karen, all this talk about not

forcing her memory, but gently leading it back, it's not about her.

It's about you, isn't it? It's about you cashing in?

No, it's about the bigger picture. This is what we do.

We make discoveries, we pull resources, for the greater good.

Just when I was starting to think you were a decent bloke. He is!

No, he wants to exploit you.

First and foremost, this is about making Karen better,

but, yes, you are unique. She's not a guinea pig.

You are also a way that we can learn.

I think it's time you should go.

I think you should leave, right now.

You can sling your hook and all.

I know you think I'm wrong, but at the moment you're very vulnerable.

My one chance to be famous and you mess it up.

Just go away.

You've got to be joking me?

Just hear me out, babe. Are you hell bent on making my life a misery?

I could say the same thing. Turn that off.

Look what he's done!

I'm getting myself sorted out, like you keep telling me.

This isn't helping. Do you want to break up?

Where did that come from?

You badly want a kid. Do you want a new chance?

Is that what you want?

No, but you've always got a gob on you lately...

So this is the solution? You just break up?

I think this diagnosis thing could be a blessing in disguise.

What? I'm ill, yippee(!)

It gives you some space to work things out.

And ignore my biological clock?

Talk to each other, enjoy each other's company.

Have lots of protected sex, without the stress of trying to get

pregnant, and hopefully if the specialist gives you the all clear,

you'll conceive naturally.

You really think?

Yes. As long as you don't spend every other waking minute on that

hot thing. It's not very good for, you know, "global warming".

He means your globes, brainiac.

So this isn't Mission: Impossible? Well, it's worth a go.

It's better than zooming off to the divorce courts.

Or using me, as some kind of referee.

To you guys.

Yes.

ALL: Cheers.

This is delicious... I could get used to this.

Try some of mine if you want.

Uh-uh. Cucumber.

Definitely not.

Side effects.

Says the man who can burp the entire alphabet. So I heard.

Actually, do you remember I did it for a bet with Tanveer,

but only got to the letter Q.

Yeah.

Did you know he's sold his car? No. His "baby"?

Yeah, I bumped into his mum. He's joined a gym and got hair plugs.

Mid-life crisis already?

That's what I thought. He always had to be first with everything,

didn't he? Never got that. Me neither.

He said he'll give me to the weekend. Who?

The bloke selling the bike.

What's that?

Me, thinking if I could knit I could be a good mum.

What about those?

Bought.

Good, eh?

Fit to touch.

HE HUMS

Get your money's worth.

You'll be a great mum. If I get the chance.

Just keep getting it wrong, don't I? But got to keep trying.

What if the doc's right?

Could we make it happen without all the aggro?

It's got to be worth it, yeah?

I can feel a draft.

Sorry, you should have said. Do you want to swap?

Actually, they're just clearing a table over there.

It's tucked away.

Let's see if we can move before they bring our main course. Sure.

Good to see you.

You too. Congratulations again. Thanks.

Awkward... She seems nice.

Doesn't she? A bit quiet, but anyway, back to us.

Let's get this date back on track.

If that's what you want? Of course it is.

Why wouldn't it be?

Because you wish you were with Aran.

What?

Come on, it's obvious you're still in love with him.

What do you think you're doing? Get out of my garden!

I told Dr Tyler... That you don't remember anything about her?

What about Tomasz?

What if she's a lunatic with a knife! He won't even recognise her.

I'm thinking that I can't remember you or any of this

because I wanted to forget.

We were happy!

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