No Evil Doctors

# She wore bl-u-u-e

# Velvet. #

Alison? It's Jean at number 19.

Oh, just the same, thanks. Just Trying to keep the weight off it.

Yeah. How's things at school? Oh, at the Sea Life Centre?

Well, I won't keep you...

I just wanted to say, I think your dog Jasper is going whoopsie

on that nice white leather sofa of yours.

Oh, right, I think he's finished now.

But just in case you want to sit down when you come in,

just be careful. OK, bye.

Not even a "thank you."

Oh! Don't fuss. I've got it.

These are terrific, Cindy.

Are you sure you want to give all this away?

Jean, what good are binoculars, books and board games to me these days?

Whatever you don't want, take down the charity shop.

Another brown paper parcel for Mr Brint at number 26.

The minute the wife was gone, he was ordering those magazines in.

The shame of it.

Now, now. Don't knock it.

Sinful Cindy Soames made an honest living that way, remember?

Yeah, but the magazines you see in the shops these days...

It was very different in your day, Cindy.

Wasn't everything?

Does this smell right to you?

Depends. If it's a box of burnt dog hair and old bandages, then yeah.

Lunch for two at the Blue Tagine?

I'd love to, but duty calls.

"Memes And The Message - Synergising dynamic client

"communication with proactive team development."

Yeah, you know how Howard's always going on about these things.

Hasn't mentioned anything to me.

Yeah? Well, lucky you.

That means your lunch will be couscous and cocktails

and mine will be old men and name tags. Old men?

Yeah, you know. Seminar speakers, dusty old boffins.

Right, and that's why you've had your hair done and you're wearing your lucky necklace.

What? I can't jazz things up a bit?

That's a crime now, is it?

I don't know what you're looking at me like for...

OK, so Aran might be there.

I knew it! So what, he's just invited you?

Not exactly. Jas!

Don't start. Seriously? You're checking up on him online?

Isn't that a bit..?

No. It isn't "a bit" anything. It's normal.

Everyone does it with their exes.

What, so he's just going to think it's a coincidence bumping into you again?

Come on, Jas. Isn't this a bit much?

This isn't some dorky obsession I've just imagined.

Aran and I have a past and maybe, if I play this right, a future.

And I'm not going to pass up on it again just because,

you know, you're pulling some...

patronising, judgey, lemon-face.

You've been twitching like a moth all morning.

You held back from the posh biscuits, there's sausage rolls

in the oven and you smell like a tart's handkerchief.

I may be blind as a bat, but I can see everything.

You've got a fancy man, haven't you? Haven't you?

You have not even touched these word puzzles.

You do know that some of these are word-searches,

if the number ones are too difficult?

This is worse than when I had my tonsils out.

At least then I had ice cream for breakfast,

and it was summer and Mike Evans who lived next door had his trunks on.

Please can I go out? No, you cannot.

Dr Carter has told me how serious a head injury can be,

so there will be no adventuring until you convalesce fully.

Just cos I've had a bang on the head, you can't keep me hostage.

Please, will you just do as the doctor orders?

Now, I must ask you not to touch the radio, the dial is very

particular, and I do not want to have to re-tune to find my hymns...

The man's a doctor.

You'll have to go some way to shock him.

I've made him some sausage rolls.

He looks like he likes hot dinners.

And what about dessert?

Honestly, Jean, if he's that lonely,

he won't want someone to make his bed,

he'll want someone to mess it up.

Why don't you stick around? He could look at your eyes.

You said they'd improved.

I'm fine with my herbal remedies.

Look at me. Where do I begin?

To keep a man, you have to be a maid in the living room, a cook

in the kitchen and a - y'know - in the bedroom, and in the kitchen.

You're not helping!

Tone down the perfume. Tease up the hair.

And ditch the cardigan. It's an eyesore, even to me.

I'll walk you back. I'll be fine.

I think I might sign some of my old magazines and see

if Mr Brint wants to buy them.

Collectors' items.

Cindy, you're incorrigible, you know that?

If you want to borrow a wig or a whip at any point...

Cindy!

All right. Keep your knickers on. For now.

If you put the television on, do not have

the volume higher than number six.

In fact, do not put the volume up at all.

And please, will you stop scribbling all over the parish magazine?

It is most disrespectful what you have done to Aled Jones' face.

You can sulk all you want.

I am only doing what is best for you.

Why don't you go and get one of your puzzle magazines?

It will help recover your mind. I haven't lost my mind!

Would you please stop treating me

like I've just got off the children's ward!

I refuse to have this conversation again. I am going to work.

If I fancy a bit of toast while you're out, which one's the grill?

I am not falling for that.

Well...

Perhaps it would be safer if you came to work with me.

What am I doing?

Jas?

Aran!

Fancy meeting you here.

Jean, honestly, stop panicking and just put a good bra on.

What? No, there's no-one here.

I tell you there isn't. Fine.

I'll check.

Jean. As much as I'd love to have a lad round, there's no-one here.

Now stop fussing, there's a good girl.

But thanks for calling. Bye, now.

And they picked you?

I know, right? I thought my communication skills were fine,

but I guess they wanted to drop a big hint.

I think they're the ones that need their communication skills checking.

And you? What are you being punished for?

Oh, they, er, they made me head of my department.

So it's mandatory.

Hey, get you. Climbing the corporate ladder.

Congrats.

So it says here we need to work in pairs for the first activity...

Right.

Looks like you've already found your partner.

Unless of course you want to buddy up with me?

I'm seriously tempted to go with the guy with the leather trousers,

but... But I could stick with you, I suppose.

For old time's sake. How kind.

You never know. It might be fun.

How's the ankle holding up?

Oh, you know.

I might be on my back for a while yet.

Oh, something smells good.

Oh! The sausage rolls!

You a birdwatcher? What's that? Train spotter?

Submariner?

You a peeping Tommer?

Oh, sorry, Dr Haskey. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I think someone's snuck into my friend's house across the street.

I saw this lad go behind it and he's not come out. Ey?

A lad snuck into your friend's house?

My friend, she's got glaucoma, you see.

So she wouldn't know if there's someone there, lurking in a corner.

It's been playing on my mind all morning.

I don't suppose you'd help me just get over there to check.

There might be a reward in it for you.

Mm, tasty.

I know it is not approved procedure.

No, no, no, I think it's a good idea.

It might even do her some good.

I just wanted to be sure. But...

Let's remember she is ill, you know. She's got a brain injury and, well,

often with a brain injury they can show personality changes.

So let's just make sure that she's not inappropriate with a patient...

It's Karen. Would any of us even notice?

Don't let it worry you, Mrs Tembe.

Hey. Hi.

Erm, I'm Karen.

Wow. You really don't know who we are, do you?

That's madness. Kevin!

Madness in a good way!

I just can't remember who you are.

Doesn't mean I'm a monkey from out of space.

I bet you could use a cup of tea.

Oh, um... A pint of snakebite and some crisps would be good.

But if that's all you've got, I'll have milk and two sugars, please.

That's a reason to come into work, isn't it?

I'm sorry, Cindy, but I definitely saw someone.

And I'm definitely sure there's no-one here.

And fancy making the doctor drag you all the way here!

I told you I was fine.

I'm Cindy, by the way.

Hello, I'm Dr Haskey... I'm...Al.

Have we met before?

I've got one of those faces.

Well, where did the boy go?

Yeah, maybe I should check upstairs.

I don't want to leave you exposed.

Oh, for goodness' sake, Jean, honestly?

Whoever he was, he's gone.

And it's lovely that you want to play Diagnosis Murder with Dr Haskey

here, and I feel very safe, but I'd like to have my bath now.

What if he's still out there...

Dr Haskey. You seem like a smart man.

Jean's always going on about how clever you are.

I mean, I can't see if you're as handsome as she says you are,

but I think you are as smart.

What do you reckon?

I mean, if you really must see the inside of my bedroom...

Perhaps... Perhaps I was wrong.

Let's be on the safe side.

Al, would you like to come upstairs

and have a peek behind the curtain?

I've just run the bath, so...

it's a bit steamy.

Well, I...

Ooh! Ouch.

Perhaps I should get back

before this gets too hard to walk on.

If you're sure.

Yes, I think so. Dr Haskey, would you be so kind?

Yeah, sure, course. Why not?

Erm, I've got one in my pocket.

When I go home, I stick it in my door and twist it. A key! A house-key.

Number ten. It is full of potassium.

Banana! Stop the clock!

You could have had a lot more fun with that.

56.5 seconds.

Ooh! So both rounds in less than two minutes. Yeah.

That makes us...

"The upper bracket.

"Your team demonstrates intuitive harmony, a working relationship

"of trust and instinctive understanding."

Except you cheated with the toy soldier.

You do dress up as one!

That's hardly describing it objectively.

They're not going to deduct points because we know each other!

It's a strength.

If we had a company together, we'd work precisely

because I know what costumes you put on and whether you are a morning or

an evening person, and that you know all the words to Gangsta's Paradise.

How would that help us at all?

Compatibility is the key to any venture.

You can't have science without chemistry.

So put two seconds on for the soldier.

We're still the best team in the room. You can't argue with that.

Does that hurt? No.

Well, you have had a lot of exertion today.

Oh, it's just a silly idea. Too much Murder, She Wrote.

Do you really think she's safe, though?

All alone in that house? With those eyes?

I'm sure she's fine.

If not, she can always make an appointment.

Like I did.

So, would you like to try one of my sausage rolls?

Oh!

What are you doing?! There's somebody else there.

How do you know?

I could see Cindy's silhouette at the upstairs window.

What?

That doesn't sound right. Ignore that.

There was another shape at the downstairs window.

She's got an intruder!

Yes, it's us! Take this.

SHE SCREAMS

Quick! Call the police.

So what are you, huh? Burglar or a pervert?

Or a bit of both? What are you doing?

Well, you have met your match, you pervy burglar.

Hello? Police? Yes, I think we've caught a burglar.

20, Greenbank Drive. Thank you.

What the hell are you playing at? Get off him, you oaf!

Mate, do these look right to you?

Just put the berries on it. The swelling will go down.

Lost something?

Cigarettes. Your bag?

Stop! I don't want anyone smoking in here, thanks.

Why did you keep him secret? I just don't get it. Let's take it outside.

Do I have to spell it out?!

He's with me, Jean.

He's...

..my lover!

Happy now?

They were all there, dressed up. They knew all the words. "Sarah Friend."

And everyone, and I mean everyone, in the cinema did

"Nothing? Nothing? Tra la la?" like it was the national anthem.

And for once, you weren't the one in a funny costume.

Well... No. Tell me you didn't go as Bowie.

The full Goblin King? Hamara had this sort of silly blouse, and I...

Sorry.

Hey. Made it to tea-time without mentioning the fiance.

What's next for today? Interactive Co-operation?

Inter-personal Understanding?

There's Personal Personas in the main hall.

Hey, there's International Opportunities upstairs.

It's a recruitment fair, we should go to that.

So you can try and convince me New Zealand

is better than Canada, again?

Er, yeah.

Your firm's on the list. Do you still plan to go out there?

No. No, Hamara's not keen, so...

Aran!

Most students went for Kelly Brook posters

and you had a picture of Montreal on your wall.

You loved the idea.

Things change. But...

Ever since I've known you, that's what you've wanted,

and now you're just going to give up on it because...

Jas, Jas, we planned a future

and then it turned out you didn't want any of it.

Right.

It's good to finally be with someone who knows what they want.

About six months. Not that it's any of your business.

I mean, I haven't lost all my charms, y'know. Far from it.

Believe it, mate.

Cindy, you could have told me.

Could I? Jean, you're the biggest gossip I've ever met.

You told Lorna at spin class about what work I'd had done

and everyone at the school fete about what happened in Llandudno.

I'm not that bad!

I thought I was being kind,

coming and spending time with lonely old you.

But you've become obsessed. Have not!

You were watching my house with binoculars!

You've even dressed up like me.

Are you even sure it's the doctor you fancy?

Yes!

I mean, no. I mean...

OK. I think it's time we were heading off.

Yeah, I think it's time we had that bath, right, babes?

Well, I still don't think it's right that you lied to me, Cindy.

I was just trying to be a good neighbour and you lied.

Lies? Lies now?

How's the ankle, Jean?

Didn't stop you rushing round here and belting my man in the plums, did it?!

Soggy bottoms and fancying Mary Berry. Classic.

What's this?

Oh, I was just telling Mandy about my mate Warbo.

He's had the password to my phone and he's been changing the statuses,

every night after the...

Sorry.

Don't tell me... All anybody cares about is phones and computers.

Why doesn't anybody talk about hairdos and going out and love lives?

Gossip's normally your job.

Or old Karen. Or future Karen.

Sorry. This must be dead weird for you.

What's dead weird is you lot. I mean, I'm fine.

Except that I've found out that I'm married with two grown-up kids,

George Michael's gay...

I'm hoping I've heard the worst of it.

Tell you what, we could play, erm...

the first person who tells me

something that genuinely shocks me.

You know, from the last however many years, they win

and I'll do anything they want.

Anything.

OK, you're on.

It meant we got to hang out more.

I got to hear your stories.

And then the doctor started coming round.

The house is so empty normally.

Some of us don't mind an empty house.

Some of us don't really fancy standing about with doctors

and neighbours and all sorts who just let themselves in.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for wasting your time, Dr Haskey.

Hey, you made me pastries,

all is forgiven.

Yeah, well.

Me and her would like some private time, if you know what I mean.

Private Time...?

Pizzazz? Stag Nights?

You are Cindy Soames.

Oh, my actual days. This is Sinful Cindy Soames.

A fan? Really?

Darth Vader, Luke's dad.

Everyone knows that.

Flares came back into fashion. Twice, I think.

That's a lie.

True, sadly. In the '90s.

See, you'll be glad there are some things you can't remember. Oh!

See, you'll be glad there are some things you can't remember. Oh!

Dirty Den is not dead. He comes back!

Who's Dirty Den?

You're cack at this, aren't you? Shut up, you!

Oh, I've got one! The Royals,

in Las Vegas with no gear on.

No, that's a scandal. Which one?

Harry! Prince Henry, and I do not think this is appropriate.

I remember him being born!

He's a squaddie now. He flies helicopters.

And what? You saw the whole crown jewels come out?

If only his mother could see him now. Why?

She's dead.

Princess Di? um...yeah, about 15, 16 years ago.

Oh, I used to really like her.

Come here.

Yeah, I've got The Werewolf Wardens Of Warsaw at home on Blu-ray.

I've still got the costumes. Wow.

There you go.

I would like to go home now.

Yes. Yes, it's time you went.

KNOCK ON DOOR

What now?

The police! I completely forgot. Police?!

That ain't mine.

I guess I won't be having that bath any time soon, then.

My make-up's run - have you got any cotton wool? Yeah.

Oh, it's cosy in here.

Yeah.

Yes, it is. Thank you.

Oh, Nursey, look. I've got something in my eye. Would you mind? Let me look.

You've got soft hands.

I can't see anything.

Do you do a lot of exercise?

Bet you've got a lot of stamina.

Erm... Does your girlfriend like it?

I've not got a...

No!

I should get back, really.

You're single? No way!

I thought blondes had all the fun.

Don't mind me. I'm just refilling the sanitizer.

I just need to just...

A cannabis farm. What on earth for?

The glaucoma. Her eyes, some people say it helps.

She said they'd been better.

She put it down to herbal remedies.

I thought she meant ginseng and fancy tea.

Mate, my berries. Oh, come on!

Jean, pet.

I'm sorry about what I said earlier, about obsessions and that.

I didn't mean any harm. I just wanted you to leave.

I probably was just a little bit obsessed, wasn't I?

I think your hair looked better the old way.

Just goes to show, you never can tell.

Now, Jean...

You got any dark secrets?

Any skeletons in your closet?

You'll never know.

You promise me you'll look after yourself. Promise.

Come back and see us soon. Yeah.

Honestly, how does anybody get any work done with him strutting about the place?

Have you seen how tight his trousers..? Karen...

You do know that Chris is my son, right?

Why didn't you tell me she was your mum?!

Well, can't you tell? No!

You sound like one of us and she sounds like To The Manor Born!

Yeah, and I'd sound like her if she had her own way.

Only I wasn't clever enough to go to a posh school,

so I still say, "Cuppa tea, please, mate,"

and she says, "Earl Grey, if you'd be so kind."

You're funny, as well. I bet you're fighting the girls off.

Look, Karen...

Chris?

It's not that I don't find you...

attractive or anything,

it's just Rob's a mate of mine.

OK. It's OK.

Is it?

Yeah! I was having a laugh.

It was a wind-up. Oh...

Oh, OK. Well, you had me going there.

Plus, I wasn't even born in 1984.

So how weird would that be?

How did you do?

93%.

I'm "accomplished, effective and easily understood."

Can't say I feel it.

I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh earlier.

It's just...

It's not easy...

"Accurate with information,

"concise and to the point", it says. Hardly.

We should celebrate.

Toast our success before we get these bad boys framed.

I would love to, but...

Hamara.

Hey, it's fine. I'm sure she'll be proud.

Anyway...

It was good to see you.

All the best. You, too.

Jas!

Is there anything that you'd like to ask before I take your blood?

Yeah, how's life treating you, then, Emma?

What are they? Samples. Samples of what?

Stool.

Are you following his every move?

I just wanted to see what his status was today.

You're beginning to sound like a stalker.

I remember what those photos were like.

I don't want anyone to see them, anyone!