Strange Romance Doctors

CLATTER

-Raargh!

-SHE SCREAMS

Who are you? What are you doing?!

Reading... GOING to read.

I couldn't sleep.

I was trying to find the kitchen, then the light switch wasn't...

This place is just so big.

Is everything all right?

Can someone tell me what's going on, please?

I'm sorry, did he frighten you?

He got in so late, I didn't have time to tell him.

-Tell me what?

-You remember Tilly?

-That's not...?

-Tilly Birch, Alice's daughter.

She and her friend, Laura, have come to stay for a few nights.

Gosh, that's a scary-looking bat...

Er, can we all just get out of this room, please?

Yes, all right!

THEY GIGGLE

"Can everyone just get out of this room, please?"

He did look pretty masterful, standing there

with his flared nostrils and his big bat.

-In his pants.

-I wonder who he's saving THAT bed for.

Damn, that must have been his dad's room, where he died.

What happened?

Mum and Emma aren't that close any more, so I'm not too sure,

but I think he had some sort of accident and then... Oh, poor Chris.

No wonder he was a bit uptight with me.

Please don't tell me you're going to fall

for another "wounded soul" type.

Nah, I'm sticking to the books and bikes from now on.

You can't beat a good read.

BOTH: And a good ride! THEY LAUGH

Ssh!

MUSIC PLAYS

And that time she got me to steal your favourite red lipstick

to play road accidents! Somehow that was my fault too!

Oh, come on, she is that bit younger than you.

Anyway, she's my goddaughter, so...

Doesn't mean I have to put up with her weirdness all over again.

Morning, Tilly! Did you sleep all right?

That bed can be a bit lumpy, I'm afraid.

Do you want tea, coffee, toast?

-Coffee, thanks.

-Here, you can have this one.

-Do you want some sugar?

-No, thanks.

I was just telling Chris about the guest lecture

that you've been invited to.

Lydia Ulov - she's flown in from Prague

to talk about the propagation of the fairy tale ideal.

Kind of how modern societies still encourage women to debase themselves

by adopting warped codes of femininity - you know,

plastic surgery, fad diets, high...

..heels and stuff.

She's not messing, this Lydia...

Ulov. With an umlaut.

Is she going on about that mad professor again?

You may mock, but once you've heard her speak....

I think I'll pass. Sounds like a total man-hater to me.

I went to a lot of effort to get you on the list,

cos you said you wanted to go.

That's before I realised we'd be staying with a nurse.

I know this is a little bit cheeky, but I'm researching the role

of compassion in the workplace as part of my business Masters.

If I could spend the day shadowing you...

I would, but I'm on house calls all day.

Patient confidentiality and all that.

-I thought you had the afternoon off?

-Yeah, but I need to drum up

-some support for Heston's panto.

-I stage managed a play at uni once.

So if you need a glamorous assistant...

You've, er, got a blob of jam on...

I'll...

Laura, why don't you spend the afternoon shadowing ME?

Then, Chris, you can take Tilly to the university -

you go that way, don't you?

-It's no bother. I was planning on getting the bus.

-Don't be silly!

MUSIC: "Love Of The Common People" by Paul Young

Good morning, Karen!

Now, what would you like to do today?

Oh, I dunno.

Um, marry Rob Lowe, get a job, a flat, a Quattro...

Or maybe I'll watch even more telly

and go out of my mind with boredom.

I'm sure...we can find something more constructive for you,

to keep you busy.

If you show me one more knitting pattern book,

jigsaw puzzle or cookbook, I swear I'll scream.

A bit lower, I reckon.

Here, would you hold that for me a sec?

I don't do "glamorous assistant".

Better get on it and check before you tighten it up.

-It's right.

-OK.

Why the two bikes?

Oh. Er, that one's my dad's.

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

I don't usually leap out on people, like some crazed ninja on steroids.

Not even weird ones?

It's just the way Mum springs these things on me...

And you've got to admit, it's been a while.

My eighth birthday party. You got a reaction to the cake.

How about I come and meet you after this lecture's done

and we'll go and have some lunch?

I promise, I'll try not to be sick on you or scare the...

I wasn't scared.

Hang on, Tilly, wait!

If only she would let Sergeant Hollins back into her life.

She seems to think that she is going to marry a Mr Robert...

Lowe? An old sweetheart, perhaps?

Some '80s teen-idol, I think.

At least it wasn't the Hoff.

You know - Knight Rider...!

The guy had this mega-cool, high-tech car.

Before he sold out to Baywatch.

Now, why did I not think about this before?

Driving is the sort of auto-reflex skill that the consultant said

could trigger her memory.

And she has asked on several occasions

if she ever learnt to drive.

And you only have the asthma clinic today...

Oh, no, no, no, you can take that idea right out of your mind.

-Nobody touches my baby but me.

-But...

-No!

-Doctor...

-No!

Take care.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come on in, Mrs Aran...Aldridge.

Ah, Dr Tyler.

Dr Carter has had an urgent request

for some highly complex echocardiogram data.

It is most fortunate that you have such a light rota today.

-But...

-Ah. No.

Ah! It's a shame you can't sit in on the consultations -

-I've had some real characters this morning.

-Oh, it's no problem.

I've been helping Mrs Tembe arrange the leaflets for reception.

-Oh!

-Fascinating! And the snippets I've gleaned from you in your breaks

have been worth more than all my lectures and textbooks put together.

That's very sweet, but I have to say it's only when you get out into the real world...

You're so right. It's like the support scheme

I help run at uni... It's a real eye-opener.

-Oh, yes?

-It's just a little friendly advice, really,

for those students who might be suffering...emotionally

-or psychologically.

-That's very commendable.

And you really do get more than you give.

I've made great friends with some of the other volunteers.

Is that how you met Tilly?

Er, sort of.

It's milk, no sugar?

Oh! Yes, thank you.

"Invalid data entry. Check and try again"?!

Check and try again?!

Have you got a degree in Medical Science?! Huh?

No! Didn't think so!

KNOCK AT DOOR So sorry to interrupt again, Dr Tyler,

but what shall I tell Dr Carter this time?

Tell him that I'm not some number-crunching automaton,

that I've lost the will to live, that "computer says no".

Right...

Hallelujah! Thanks, Mrs T, thank you.

I don't suppose there's any way you can be persuaded to finish the rest?

Oh... I hate to refuse a colleague.

but I am so concerned about Miss Teale,

well, I do not think I will be able

-to concentrate on such intricate...

-Forget it...

As you wish.

All right, all right! I surrender.

So it's like Sleeping Beauty is the ultimate

passive-aggressive object of desire, making everyone wait

100 years while she lies there doing nothing.

Right. So I was lucky that you were 20 minutes late out of your lecture?

I'm going to get it in the neck

if we keep my mother waiting any longer. We've got to get a move on.

Laura really doesn't know what she's m... Ugh!

I think the chain's snagged.

I'm not supposed to answer the door to anybody,

-so you'll have to go away.

-It's Kevin.

Dr Tyler, from The Mill - Mrs Tembe said I should come over.

I don't need checking up on.

MUSIC: "So Macho" by Sinitta

Unless you want to hang out and listen to some music.

Mrs Tembe said that you might want to have a go driving my car.

THAT car?

No way!

Yes!

Here, there's an easier way.

Go on, then. I like a woman who knows how to handle a tool.

I mean, it's good to see

that you don't mind getting dirty.

Yeah, I'll shut up, shall I?

Did you draw this?

It's pretty good.

-She's a bit rough, but...

-I wouldn't go that far.

No, I mean I'm working on a few ideas for children's books.

None of it's quite ready yet,

but a lot of the stuff out there, it kind of talks down to kids.

Yeah, and the dodgy way that games and comics depict women.

I see a lot of them down at the youth club, where I volunteer.

But if you think it needs more work...

Just, I think you've got something.

My dad started out as an artist.

My dad was an academic, but sadly none of it rubbed off on me.

I can't quite get it to...

Here, let me have a go.

Where's that chain pin?

It's just there.

PHONE RINGS

Watch your head.

Laura? Hey, yeah, we're just running a little late.

Do you have any idea how long she might be?

Chris is usually on time.

I'm sorry, Emma, I should have warned you - it's the Tilly Factor.

Oh.

The cycle chain, it...

..snagged and then...

All right, you're here now, let's not waste any more time.

How about you two order for us, while we go and freshen up.

Yeah, OK.

Can we make it something quick? I need to go and see Heston.

Speak of the devil and he shall arrive! May I?

Please do.

Honestly, if you hadn't turned up just then...

-Some of the things she said about your

-mum... She doesn't know about mum's bipolar.

You're too nice to people, Tilly. Looking after your mum through

all her problems, now putting up with Emma's snotty attitude.

You and Chris, you didn't...?

No! I told you, it was just the bikes.

He seems all right, though, when he loosens up a bit.

Don't go there. Believe me, the things Emma was telling me.

He has a grading system for girls.

Loads of guys have that. I know it's a bit basic,

the commodification of women and all that, but...

-You're a seven...

-That's not too bad, right?

Bed it and bin it.

Why would she even tell you that?

She thought I'd be pleased to know he marked me down as a "keeper".

I know. I didn't want to tell you, but I won't have him

making a fool out of you.

Let's just go, Laura.

If you want to leave, I completely understand.

But no man degrades a friend of mine like that.

You're right, I'm going to tell him exactly...

No, just act cool and let me reel him in for the kill.

How?

Easy. First I turn him into a quivering jelly of desire,

then just when he thinks we're about to get it on,

total character assassination.

His manhood will be in tatters by the time I've finished.

What, that one?

No! THERE! That's the brake there! Right there -

in exactly the same place as the last hundred times I showed you.

All right, keep your hair on!

Repeat after me - clutch, brake, accelerator. C-B-A.

-OK, I get it.

-Then, say it.

-Who are you - my dad or something?!

-Say it!

Brake,

clutch...

Oh... Hold on, what's the other one?

-Let's have some music.

-No, please, don't!

Get your hands off her!

That's it, get out!

One more time! Please!

I said out!

All that crowd-baiting high-jinx in modern pantomime

-is a crass debasement of the original stories.

-I couldn't agree more.

My Cinderella will be a magical

and uplifting tale of triumph over adversity.

Good over evil.

I do hope it comes back to her.

Miss Teale was always a very confident driver.

Even if a little reckless at times.

..and then a pink elephant landed in the middle of the road.

And she's so desperate for one of her daughters to marry the prince

that she gets them to hack off pieces of their own feet to fit

into the slipper! It's like one of those trashy magazine articles -

pushy mum pays for daughter's boob job,

only much more grisly, of course.

I was thinking of something more along the lines

of a playful tussle...

Tilly, I have to go back to work now, so...well, I just wanted to say

that I hope you know that Chris and I are there for you.

-Thanks.

-I'll see you later. Bye, Heston.

What was all that about?

I think your mum's picked up that Tilly's a bit unstable.

Really? She seems pretty switched on to me.

Although I don't know what I've done to make her so narky with me

-all of a sudden.

-It's part of the whole fantasy/reality thing.

The notion that all men are sexual predators out to get her.

She seems to think you were a bit inappropriate with her.

-When?

-When you were fixing the bike.

-What?!

-I know, it's ridiculous. It's best to ignore her

when she gets like that.

I can't have her accusing me of stuff.

Wait! If you say anything, she might kick off,

make a scene. Let me handle this.

No, it sounds like she might need help.

I can sort this.

Then, when the avenging pigeons peck the sisters' eyes out,

that's when it REALLY gets going.

-Sorry to interrupt, Heston. Tilly, can I have a word?

-I'm busy.

If I gave the wrong idea - you know, that thing with the chain pin...

I'm very well aware you've got no interest in me, other than a quick...

I think I'd like to go home now.

-Excuse me, Heston.

-Tilly, wait!

Tilly!

Tilly, please... I just want to put things straight.

I know you don't want some weird girl who's only good for...

Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot...

Ow! Ouch!

Are you OK?

I think I've sprained it.

OK. Um, will you call us a cab, please, while I have a look at this?

My real-life Prince Charming.

TYRES SCREECH

I tried, I really tried!

That ancient Karen who can work computers and raise kids

and drive cars - she's gone!

And all I'm left with is this stupid, middle-aged,

useless shell of a woman, and I don't want it!

Hey, look, the gobby Karen I know is still in there, somewhere

and she wouldn't give in because of one messed-up driving lesson.

Come on, I'll take you home.

You can play some of that dodgy '80s music you like.

Still in there somewhere...

Karen, what are you doing?

Come on, don't mess about.

Open the door.

Karen!

STARTS ENGINE

Karen, open the door!

-DR TYLER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Open the door!

Open the door!

Karen!

TYRES SCREECH

HE SCREAMS

Ooh, that's good. A bit higher, maybe.

There's no swelling or bruising.

See if you can put any weight on it.

I need you to have a word with Tilly for me,

tell her she's got me all wrong.

It's all right, Chris, I understand you.

The cab's here.

ENGINE ROARS

I did it! I did it!

I, er, I ended it with Hamara.

That can't have been easy.

But if it didn't feel right...

And you'd know all about that.

I know it takes courage to do what you did.

Breaking her heart, shaming her family -

that makes me the big hero, does it?

Whatever you feel right now, living a lie would be much worse.

Is that what you told yourself when you dumped me?

No...

Don't, Jas.

If I could put any weight on this foot, I'd escape with you.

Can you believe he came on to me

when he was supposed to be looking at my ankle?

Yeah, well, I see lots of reeling but no kill.

Hold on, where are you going?

-You want your revenge, you'll get it.

-No!

-I

-need to do this.

Haven't you been humiliated enough, Tilly?

Trust me - the only way to deal with sexist schemers like him

is my way.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa! What are you doing? Get off!

It's time to stop playing games now, we both know you want this.

-Get off me!

-SHE LAUGHS

Just for a moment, I thought she had it wrong about you.

That I'd seen something decent and gentle

and real behind the arrogant, sexist...number monster!

What?! Whatever is going on with you two...

No man treats me like some bargain-bucket two-for-one special!

I'm not a seven, I'm a person - a REAL person,

with real feelings, and until you start treating women...

..REAL women with a little respect,

you'll remain just a sad and lonely zero!

I've had enough of this!

-If you think you can just come back here and be all...

-And what?!

Assert my right not to be belittled, demeaned, insulted?

Bed it and bin it?

It's pathetic.

Is that's really the best alliteration you can come up with?

Firstly, I don't know what you're talking about!

Whatever crazy ideas you've got in your head

about me coming onto you...

Coming on to me...?! When?!

-Why?

-You're so clever, why don't you work it out

and stick it in your thesis?

Please don't beg.

Excuse me.

I'm an idiot.

I'm MORE of an idiot.

Forget about her. I'm an idiot because it's taken me

all of 12 hours to realise just how...

bold and brilliant

and beautiful and...

Just shut up!

I even gave up my job because her dad had this big-shot career

all lined up - it was him who sent me on that course.

I've let everyone down - her family, my family... And for what?

Us?

We have a chance now, Aran, a real chance of happiness.

How?

How can I ever be happy with you, when every time I see you, I...?

I've got nothing left.

No job, no family...

-No future...

-You've got me now.

If you'll let me in this one last time,

I swear I'll never let you go again.

It's too late, Jas.

I came to tell you I'm going away.

No, you can't! Not now.

Aran, wait! What about the dreams we had?

Now we have a real chance.

Without our friends or family watching over us.

We don't even need to tell them! A new start...

Nothing changes, does it? You think you can just drag me somewhere new

then leave me when the excitement wears off?

-Trust me, it's not like that.

-Or is this your way of saving face

when that nagging doubt starts to kick in again?

That fear of ever really committing.

I've had enough of you hijacking my life.

No! Aran, you're the one.

You're the ONLY one - I know that now.

It's just words, Jas.

Thanks, Kev, that was brill!

Bit of a breakthrough, eh?

HORN BEEPS, MUSIC STARTS

-# We-e-e-e-e-ell... #

-What's going on?

# You know you make me wanna shout

-# Look, my hand's jumpin'

-Shout!

-Look, my heart's pumpin'

-# Shout!

-Throw my head back

-# Shout!

-Come on now

# Say that you love me

# Say that you need me

# Say that you want me Ain't going to leave me... #

Oh, I love this one!

# Come on now, come on now

# Come on now I still remember... #

Dr Khella! What on earth do you think you are doing?!

Dr Tyler! Dr Tyler, afternoon surgery started one minute ago!

Come on, Mrs T, let your wig down!

Release your inner Lulu!

Oh, my...

You always were a complete nutter.

No more words.

-Yay!

-Aww!

# I said I want you to know right now

# You have been good to me, baby

# Better than I've been to myself

# You know, you make me wanna shout

# Wooo! Shout!

# Wooo! Shout! #

-Hi, Dad.

-Leave me alone.

-Ron, it's only Ellen.

I don't want her here. Ger her out!

We actually accomplish more

when we face the challenges in our lives head on.

Not that... I'm not sure about THIS decision you understand.

I bet you fancy a bit of dressing up.

Not even in your wildest fantasies.

Either of you.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd