The First Rule About Dad's Club Doctors

BABY SCREAMS

Hello, little man!

We thought we'd stop by and say hello. That is great.

But I've got patients. You can slip out for half an hour, can't you?

No. Not that it isn't lovely to see you.

Daniel, you can't keep bringing him in here.

He might catch something from one of these disgusting students.

BABY BABBLES

OK. We will go to the park. What do you think?

Haven't you got any friends you can call in on?

Not that have any kids, no.

You need to get some new friends. Actually, that reminds me.

There is something that I picked this up for you the other day.

Playgroup for dads.

That looks...horrible.

If you're looking for adult conversation...

Right. And the moment they find out that I'm a doctor,

they'll all want to show me their verrucas. So don't go.

Or don't tell them.

Keep it, do something.

You, come on.

Right.

HE YAWNS Sorry. I didn't get much sleep last night.

Burning the candle at both ends? I was finishing my pantomime script.

Oh, no, you weren't. Oh, yes, he did.

Actually, I'm quite pleased with it.

I think I've struck the right balance of satire

and traditional clowning, drawing on the French and Italian influences

of Arlecchino and La Bouffon.

Yeah, we're talking about pantomime.

Blokes in dresses, bad one liners.

Certainly not.

Well, I can't wait to read it.

I haven't finished it yet.

Maybe I could type it up for you? What you've done already?

I couldn't possibly ask you to do that.

It would be my absolute pleasure.

I'm not called Pitman for nothing.

That's very kind of you.

Aran. Is this a game for you?

Is that what this is?

Let's go outside.

BABIES BABBLE

Well, we're here now, let's give it a go, shall we?

Hi, I'm Daniel. This is...Joe.

Nice.

It was just a text. Is this how it's always going to be?

Every time I get myself sorted out, you pop up again to mess things up?

Look, I can't talk about this now. I've got surgery.

Oh, yeah. It's always when it's convenient for you. I'll meet you in the Icon in an hour.

I promise. We'll sort this out.

Yeah, I really doubt that.

Sorry about before. It was a...nappy emergency.

Oh, right.

Ben. It's all right, I washed my hands.

Daniel.

Sorry, bit damp. Yeah.

Did anyone show you around?

No, we've been working it out ourselves.

I can show you. Unless you have to go?

Well, I mean...

Come on. You're here now. You might as well.

There's coffee.

Thank you.

Oh! Sorry. Dave used to sort all that, but...

It's not usually very good anyway.

So are you working?

Yes. In...PR.

That's what my wife does. What company?

We're specialist. You probably wouldn't have heard of us.

Jane loves all that.

Makes more money than I do, so here I am.

Not that I mind.

I quite like it, most of the time.

Sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night.

We all know what that's like.

That's about it, really. It's not much of a tour.

There's out there and in here. Any questions?

No, seems pretty clear.

Great. Maybe I should be a tour guide.

Maybe you should.

No, I have a terrible sense of direction.

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Come in.

Surprise!

Oh, Valerie! And so quick.

100 words a minute.

There was one word I wasn't sure if it was 'synagogue' or 'sausages'.

Sausages.

Right, that makes more sense.

So what now? What's the plan?

When are you putting it on? Well, you see, the thing is

The Letherbridge Players are already doing a show.

So maybe we should wait till next year.

But that's ages away! Yes, but...

Why don't we do it instead?

To do the script justice...

What about the Variety show? That was great.

It did have its charm.

Everyone here is so talented. And we work together really well.

You're right. Get everyone together at lunchtime for auditions.

Brilliant. I'll make sure everyone's got a script.

If your enthusiasm was any more infectious, we'd have an epidemic.

Thanks for your help.

'Oh! No coffee?'

Meant to set a reminder on my phone.

Hi, Daniel.

Martyn Beckworth, Martyn with a Y. Which one's yours?

Er, Joe. He's drawing.

Oh, yes. Impressive draughtsmanship.

We like to think so.

It's so important they get to express themselves artistically.

Daniel works in PR.

What about you, Martyn?

I used to work in the City until Leander was born.

Then, we moved up to be close to my wife's parents

and, actually, I've taken on most of the childcare.

Not many men would do that.

You need to have a strategy.

Don't want to feel like you're stuck at home going out of your mind all the time. Of course.

It's not that bad...

Sophie! Don't put marbles in your mouth.

So, your time in the City must have been quite colourful.

Do you miss it? Being a banker and being a dad aren't that different.

Really? Constantly changing stimuli.

The hothouse atmosphere. It must be the same in PR.

Oh... Yeah. Very high pressure. Lots of...

relating. Publicly.

Why does everyone always hide in the kitchen at parties, Martyn? Afternoon, Jez.

BEEPING

Time for your medication? Nothing like that.

Time for Leander to swap to a new activity.

Don't want him getting stuck in a rut.

Is it a bird, is it a plane?

No, it's super-dad!

The alarm thing is a little bit...

He's all right. Once he stops talking. Jez.

Hi. Daniel. Which one's yours?

I haven't decided yet.

Oh! There you are.

What's this?

Heston Carter has written a pantomime.

It's really good.

We're all going to be in it and the money's going to St Phil's.

Oh! And there's a meeting at two so we can hand out parts.

You'll come, won't you, Dr Clay?

Ah, Cherry tied to drag me along to one of these once

and as soon as the lights went down I was running for the exit.

It was behind you.

You won't be laughing when you read it.

Dr Carter's put a lot of work into this.

Well, if that's the case, we will definitely be there.

Great.

Really?

Really.

Sorry about earlier.

That's what you're sorry for?

Aran... You humiliate me twice over and then you think you can send me

a text and expect me to come running?

All I said was, "Do you want to meet?"

It's never that simple with you. Why can't you stop torturing me?

Can't we just talk?

The only reason I came here was to tell you

I don't want to see you any more.

Talk about mixed messages...

You don't want to see me so you came to see me?

It's not funny, all right?

I never said it was.

Just because you were my first love, it does not give you

the right to keep using me every time you feel bad.

I'm not your puppet. OK?

OK. Aran, please, just calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!

So we're both locked out, completely starkers.

Luckily, we found a towel by the pool.

And, being a gentleman, I let her have it.

Which model was this? I shouldn't really say.

Married to an American film director.

Lives in Berkshire. I know. You've worked with her?

Once or twice. Guys, it's time to talk.

Can't it wait?

Daniel was about to tell me what celebs he looks after.

I thought you said you were specialist.

Our approach is specialist. Our client base is broad.

We can't put this off any longer. We're almost out of loo roll.

We all know how good Dave was at keeping this place running...

Dave was a legend. What happened to Dave?

He left one day and he never came back.

A bit like The Great Escape.

He got a job.

Dave set this whole place up, basically.

We need someone to step up and take charge.

If nobody's any objections, I'm willing to put myself forward.

You? Absolutely.

I've got the transferable skills, plus loads of great ideas,

BABY CRIES

and...Leander, give that back.

Leander, share! Leander!

You guys happy for Martyn to take charge? Martyn will change things,

he'll get in children's entertainers and educational toys...

Maybe it won't be so bad.

We just need a place where the kids can play and dads can chat.

And every so often we go to the pub. What's wrong with that?

Nothing. Why don't one of you put yourselves forward? Jez?

Maybe I will.

It's not like you think.

I mean, I can see why you might feel...

But that isn't what I meant...

Sorry, I'm not putting this very well.

Guilty conscience?

I am genuinely, sincerely sorry for the way I treated you twice.

But, in my defence, I can only say that each time,

I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us

because I cared about you so much.

Funny way of showing it.

I know. But I'm not playing games.

I reason I sent you that text

is because I couldn't let you get married without saying something.

I know I've handled things astonishingly badly,

but probably because...

..it scares me.

How much I feel about you.

I know how it looks.

Most people would say I should keep my mouth shut.

But I can't.

Because if I do,

I might throw away my one, true chance of ever being happy.

It's you, Aran.

It's always been you.

Even if I wanted to...

..how could I ever believe anything you say again? Aran...

I never thought of you as selfish... I'm not.

..but the whole time we were together,

everything had to be on your terms.

I'm not ready. Now I'm ready. Stop and go.

You should have been a traffic cop. I didn't mean...

I never know where I am. It drives me crazy!

In a good way? No!

I've got to go.

Aran, please. No. I'm promised to another woman.

I will not do to her what you did to me.

OK, so each of you can speak for up to five minutes.

Then we vote.

Red for Martyn, blue for Jez.

And then you cast your votes in the fluffy dog.

Argh!

Aran! What did you do?

Go away. I'm fine. Let me see.

You could have broken something. I'll go to A then.

You can't even walk. Come on.

Lean on me.

My track record speaks for itself.

Great. Next!

Working in the City, I managed a team of traders,

buying and selling billions of dollars every day,

so I'm pretty well qualified to handle the financial side of things.

We all know what happens when you put the bankers in charge.

If you put me in charge,

I will make this the best dads' group in the area.

I will continue to improve the facilities

and ensure the Council improve the every service that all

the other playgroups in the area currently receive.

My turn.

We know what happens when the Council get involved.

Do you remember when they sent us that storyteller?

All the kids got scared and then it was just us dads listening to

him tell us stories about bunnies.

Look, all this place needs is better coffee and more trips to the pub.

Oh, and one of those portable grill things

so we can have bacon sandwiches in the morning.

And how are you going to pay for that? We'll work it out.

Right. So what ideas have you got for fundraising?

The lease is up for renewal,

how do you feel about negotiating with the landlord?

I'll give it a go.

And if that doesn't work? What happens then?

Obviously, it's a tie.

What next?

Count them again.

There's eight. You can't miscount eight bricks.

Daniel's new. I don't think his vote should count.

Because you know he voted for me.

How do I know he's not one of your mates you've brought in?

You two seem very chummy.

We were having a chinwag, you should try it.

Instead of your speeches about how perfect Leander is.

Leander is very advanced for his age.

Can you remember when he got his head stuck in the baby gate?

We had to take it apart.

He was experimenting with spatial awareness.

Can you hear the words coming out of your mouth?

BABY CRIES LOUDLY

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Sorry, Dr Carter.

Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

No, no, no, I was just...making notes on the script.

I just came to say everything's ready.

I bought some mince pies.

From the bakery, not the supermarket.

Thought we'd get festive, you know, get us in the mood.

Yeah, right. Thank you for all your hard work.

If you don't mind, I need to work on my introduction to the troops.

So exciting!

He can't breathe. He must have swallowed something.

Spit it out, Leander. Don't tell my son what to do!

Leander, spit it out.

Does anybody know first aid?

Yeah, I do. How about the Heimlich manoeuvre?

We don't have time to talk about this. Leander, lie down.

I'm going to get it out. Excuse me.

All right, there's a good boy. Well done.

Just deep breaths. You'll be fine.

Marble. Yeah.

There you go. He'll be fine.

I don't think it's broken.

Ow.

I can't believe you kicked a plant pot.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Yeah. That can happen.

I've been thinking about you.

What? Before I ran into you.

I do like Hamara.

Well, good. I should hope so.

But do I like her enough?

To spend the rest of my life with her.

You probably shouldn't ask me for advice.

You were right.

Eh? Sometimes I think you were right to do what you did.

No. Seriously.

I can see how hard it must have been for you to make a decision.

It took courage. I don't think... It did.

And even though you hurt me, more than anyone has ever hurt me...

..I can respect that you made a choice.

So you shouldn't walk on this for a while.

I should give you a lift home.

He'll be fine. He's just had a bit of a shock.

How did you know what to do?

First aid course.

Andy thinks he's seen you at the Mill Health Centre.

Oh...OK.

I lied. I'm a GP.

It's not that big of a deal, is it? Why would you lie to us?

What kind of weirdo comes to a playgroup

and lies to a load of blokes he's never met?

We welcomed you here in good faith.

I told you stuff about myself.

What, the model story? Come on, you made that up.

No, I didn't. I don't mind. It was a good story.

What kind of a cynical, suspicious person are you?

Er... This is supposed to be somewhere for us and our children

to feel safe.

Somewhere we can talk openly and be ourselves.

Even if it is just for one afternoon a week.

Oh, come on.

I see you and Ellie around all the time.

Afternoons, mornings.

You're basically a stay-at-home dad just like me.

All right, it's just a bit quiet at the moment, work-wise.

Fine. So why do you have to go on giving it the big I Am,

and making the rest of us feel like second-class citizens?

I think Ben has a point. And Martyn.

Everyone knows the Super-dad act

is because you're scared your wife will leave you.

What? That is not true.

Probably because you kept putting it about when you were a big shot.

No wonder she made you give it up.

She didn't make me. I chose.

Also, my brother was at school with you.

Martyn - not spelt with a Y.

So everyone has their secrets and that's fine.

If Daniel wants to not be a doctor once a week,

I think we should let him.

Please excuse my tardiness, I was just...

Where is everyone?

Sorry, Dr Carter.

Mandy's got clinic, Dr Granger is off,

Dr Khella has gone for lunch, and Dr Haskey...

Dr Haskey didn't really have an excuse.

But they read the script?

Yes, I think so. Maybe we should rearrange.

I knew this was a bad idea.

I'm going to do it next year with proper actors.

But I still love it, and I'll do anything -

costumes, set design, a leading role...

Ooh! Maybe you could rewrite it as a one-woman show?

Do you want a hand getting inside?

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Right.

What you said...

If it doesn't feel right with Hamara now, what's it going to be like

ten years down the road with three kids and a mortgage?

Trying to put me off?

I'm being realistic.

If you have doubts...

don't just shut them away.

Doesn't everyone have doubts? What about arranged marriages?

What about our parents?

I don't think either of us could be happy that way, do you?

I don't think either of us could be happy that way, do you?

Thanks, Jas.

If you wanted to confuse me, job done.

So, what made you check this place out?

Bit embarrassing, really. It was my partner's idea.

Right.

She says I don't have enough friends. Male friends.

My wife worries I'm not that social any more.

Mostly I'm just knackered.

Of course you are. But I don't need to be looked after.

If I want to make friends, I'll make them.

That's right. Exactly.

So, um...

Pint some time?

Yeah, why not?

What about Friday? I've got an interview.

I'll probably need a pint after that. What's the job?

Working for a catering company.

The money's not bad, and if we can get a childminder...

Yeah, work it out.

The last job interview I had, I messed it up.

I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

I got really nervous. And sweaty.

That's normal. Really sweaty. And I couldn't breath.

It could have been some kind of panic attack.

You think so?

If you're worried, make an appointment with your GP.

Do you think drugs would work?

It's an option.

Another would be to try a talking therapy.

But you should talk to your GP.

A lot of these drugs have side-effects.

So you're taking something for depression

and in the small print it says, "May cause depression."

Your GP will be able to help you with that.

But what would you do?

So you think I should break up with Hamara?

Whatever you decide, you need to do what's best for you, no-one else.

You need to be...selfish.

I'm sorry I said that.

No, you were right.

I did what I thought was best at the time.

But it doesn't mean I was right.

So how will I know if I'm doing the right thing?

The important thing is that you have to be happy.

Even if that means not being with me.

And a promise isn't an engagement,

so if you need to break it off, you should.

Of course your family will be disappointed. Again.

But that's no reason to do something that will make you unhappy

for the rest of your life.

That's your advice? As a friend?

That's my advice.

You drive me crazy.

What? Can't you just say, "Aran, leave her and be with me"?

No, because it's your choice. That's what your text was saying.

No, it wasn't. That's what it meant. Or else, why send it?

I just wanted you to have all the information.

No, I can't do this.

Aran... I can't talk to you right now, OK?

Pretty much anything can be a symptom of anything.

Keep away from websites which aren't run by the NHS.

And even then, there's no substitute for seeing your doctor.

Well, I've got you now, haven't I?

Look, Ben, we've got to go.

Yeah, no worries. I'll give you a call about that pint.

I'll have to talk to Zara. It's pretty busy at work.

Why don't I call you? Right.

I will.

If you don't want to be friends, just say.

But I thought we were getting on.

We were, OK.

Look, it's not you, it's me.

I've heard that before. I'm just not ready for that kind of relationship.

That's not what you said before. Well, things have changed.

I haven't changed. If you want to know the truth,

the reason I don't tell people I'm a doctor is cos the moment I do,

they immediately start telling me about their mysterious aches and pains.

I was just showing an interest.

No, you weren't. Frankly...I felt used.

I wouldn't do that. Whatever. Good luck with the interview.

Come on, darling. Like you care.

Dan, we'd just like to say sorry for the way we behaved earlier.

Don't worry about it. Jez and I have decided to run the group together.

And we were both hoping we could put this behind us and start again.

Maybe next week, OK? Great.

Before you go, I was wondering if you could have a look at this mole.

That's not a mole. This is a mole.

Come on, that's a pimple at best.

You're a pimple.

Oh, that's very grown up...

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

How was it?

You don't want to know.

You didn't even try.

You know what, I'm not going to spend my time on some idiot

just because we share a nappy bag and an X chromosome.

So in the meantime, my partner's a Billy-no-mates.

Listen to me.

I will socialise with whom I want, when I want.

And tonight, I want to socialise with you.

Another night on the sofa watching TV.

No, I've arranged for the sitter to stay late.

We're going out.

Going out out?

Sarastro's, seven o'clock. Don't be late.

Sorry I didn't make it to the meeting. Did you have many takers?

Only Valerie. So you may as well put that in the bin

along with all the rest.

Oh, mate. Look, I was at the Campus all day and I couldn't get away.

Maybe it was a bad day.

Or maybe something else is bad.

No! Look, it'll be a right laugh. Same as the talent show.

I'm sure I can drum up a few more bodies.

Really? Absolutely. Twist some arms.

I don't want to bully people into doing something they don't want to.

It's not like that. I think it's really good.

But it might help if you were a little less...

Heston-ish about it all.

I beg your par... What does that mean?

Oh, you know. Sometimes you can be a bit...

I don't understand, how can I stop being me?

Well...

And what's wrong with me being me, anyway? Nothing. Nothing.

Good. Right, I accept your offer of help.

As long as you realise that the director has the final word.

Yeah, fine.

"A man in his time plays many parts."

Shakespeare.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Me neither...

Gosh, that's a scary-looking bat.

Can we all just get out of this room, please?

He did look pretty masterful

standing there with his flared

nostrils and his big bat. In his pants.

Oh, I wonder who he's saving that bed for.

Mrs Tembe said that you might want to have a go at driving my car.

No way!

Yeah!

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