La Cosa Nose Doctors

I believed in Twinkles the magician.

He was a reasonable price.

He told me my daughter would get two hours of magic tricks,

AND a puppet show.

And then this morning she wakes up excited for her party,

and he cancels.

Cancels!

Now I've got 25 children coming to my house,

and no way to distract them.

Why do you come to me,

on this, the day of your daughter's birthday?

Your agency has all the best acts.

Please, Mr Giggles.

Bob, Bob.

If you'd have come to me first,

by now your children would be

applauding jesters and stilt-walkers.

But instead...

Please.

Name your price.

300.

That's a bit steep.

I offer you my hand, and you slap it away.

Yeah, but...

Even now, the children are getting excited, filling up on sugar.

All right. I'll pay.

300.

Plus travel.

Are you all right, Mum? Only me.

Hello, love. Why aren't you at work? Is everything all right?

Yeah, just thought I'd come to see you. Fix that tap.

You don't have to do that, love.

It's all right, I've got the day off work.

I don't want you wasting your holiday on me.

You should be going on holiday with your friends.

Look, I'm here now. So, can I come in?

Oh, you're too good to me.

I'm not sure I can do this. My wrist's killing me.

Use the other one.

Last week it was the ankle, now it's your wrist.

Getting knocked is an occupational hazard.

I think I should see a doctor.

I can hardly move it.

Michael, you're an employee,

that's a paid job.

Cry wolf on your own time. Go on!

And don't forget your balls.

How am I meant to juggle with one hand?

You disgust me.

What do you want from me?!

You can act like a clown!

How are you going to lead one day when you're so weak?

You sicken me.

Now get in that party, like your life depended on it.

You're a clown, for Grock's sake.

Have some dignity!

TOOTS HORN

And clench for me.

Yeah, looks like a possible fracture,

but you'll need an X-ray to be sure.

You said you saw Dr Carter a couple of weeks ago?

I did my shoulder in. He did some blood tests.

Here we go.

You've got a history of these kinds of injuries.

I'm always falling over, cracking something.

Hazard of the job.

What do you do?

I'm a clown.

Oh, yeah!

I used to be freaked out by your sort.

I saw that Stephen King film as a kid.

Yeah, didn't do us any favours.

My boss banned us from talking about it.

Good one.

What?

You said "it"...

Doesn't matter.

Your blood tests show some low calcium levels.

Do you find that your joints ache when you're moving?

Problems with your teeth?

I've lost two molars this year.

I don't want to alarm you

but I'm concerned

that some of your previous fractures and low calcium levels

could indicate a more serious condition,

like osteoporosis.

What's that? Brittle bones?

-Sort of. It's one of the possibilities.

-I can't have that.

I fall down for a living.

I'd like to check you out just to be sure.

So I'll send you for a bone density scan.

No. I don't want to jinx it.

But you've already got a problem.

Then take back what you said.

-It doesn't work like that.

-Take it back.

Michael, calm down.

So, how's work? Is that Steve guy still giving you trouble?

No, no, I spoke to him.

SHE GASPS

You seem a bit jumpy today, Mum.

I'm fine.

But we speak every day. I can tell when something's up.

Oh, look, I forgot to show you this.

Is that Sergeant Hollins?

He saved two men in the Churchill riot, all on his own.

He's put on a bit a weight since I last saw him.

Don't be cheeky! He's just got broad shoulders, that's all.

He's also married, Mum.

If you don't calm down, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I've seen what happens when they know you're weak.

You end up in a scout hut, teaching kids the dangers of drugs.

With a hand puppet.

Sit down. Take a breath.

He'll kill me if he finds out.

Who will?

If these injuries aren't accidents, you CAN tell me.

They're my own fault.

I've been clowning all my life.

It's in my blood. I can't be ill.

We don't know what we're dealing with yet, but if you ignore it,

you could break something serious and never work again.

Better to know your enemy, right?

All right.

Yeah, I'll do the scan.

Go for it.

Well, it's an X-ray, we don't do them here.

-Oh.

-Get yourself down to A&E, and get your wrist looked at.

I'll book you in for a bone density scan

and we'll take it from there, OK?

All right. Thanks.

BUZZING

Like I said, it's in my blood.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Hey, what's wrong?

Your stomach?

I could come around with some soup if you like?

What are your symptoms?

No, of course I believe you.

Hello?

I will trade you three Fatbusting clinics

for one Family Planning.

You'll take his class over my diabetes clinic?

I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

I just had the weirdest patient.

An accident-prone clown.

He's not still here, is he?

Um, no, he's gone. But something didn't feel right. He was terrified.

All right, I'll take your Fit for Life and raise you an STI.

No, you won't. It's on a Saturday. Forget about it.

Maybe Crusty the Crown just fell off his unicycle?

I don't think so.

He had the hallmarks of an abuse victim.

Suspicious bruising, anxiety,

fear of someone finding out he came looking for help.

Now you mention it, I heard something similar.

A Punch-and-Judy guy who'd somehow used his truncheon on both kneecaps.

-Yeah, very funny.

-I'm being serious.

A few months ago I treated a human cannonball for anxiety.

He said the competition was getting too dangerous.

Oooh!

Sounds like someone's trying to muscle in on the kids' party racket.

You be careful out there, Kevin.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the bus,

where's my Fatbusters?

-Emma?

-Yes?

I know it was you, Emma.

Right, that should do for now, but the pipe is corroded.

You're going to have to get a plumber out.

You were always good at fixing things, even when you were little.

I'm not a plumber, Mum.

If it's about having a someone in the house,

I can be here when he comes.

I'll be fine.

Mum, if that pipe bursts, you'll be flooded, all right?

I just can't afford it at the minute.

Why not?

Oh, it's my fault.

What?

I lost my benefits. My ESA.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to worry you.

When was this?

I saw the GP, and he thinks I'm fit to work.

Yeah, I bet he does. Did you tell him that you're agoraphobic and you hardly leave the house?

Mum, have you appealed yet?

I want a word with this doctor.

They think if you've got a heartbeat, you're all right to work.

The ignorance of mental illness in this country is staggering.

I don't want to cause a fuss.

And you think you're ready to work?

Mum, you're anxious going to the shops.

If the doctor thinks I should be...

No, Mum. Look, I'm going to write a letter.

We're going to get this sorted.

And you should've told me sooner.

I thought we didn't keep secrets.

Possible fractured wrist.

Thank you.

This was a stupid idea.

Someone's going to spot me.

You play a lot of gigs in A&E, do you?

Are you joking?

Distracting sick kids

is one of our biggest earners.

I looked at our patient records

and there are at least a dozen suspicious injuries for entertainers

in the last couple of years.

So forgive me, but I don't believe those bruises are from falling down.

Why's this taking so long?

Who's got you so worried?

HORN HOOTS

It's Giggles.

Giggles?

He's here! Quick!

Who are we hiding from?

My boss.

A clown?!

He's a stone-cold gangster.

He gives entertainers of every stripe a chance,

books them gigs, money for costumes,

but then they have to pay off the debt.

He charges so much interest they never escape.

Then quit.

Anyone who gets out of line, they get hurt.

"Break a leg" isn't a showbiz saying to him, it's a management technique.

Then call the police!

Hello, Michael.

This is a private consultation.

Yeah, well, we're consultants too.

My friend here, he can snap your funny bone...just like that.

What's so funny?

Sorry. It's just a bit silly, being threatened by a clown.

What do you mean "silly"?

How am I silly?

What?

You mean silly like a clown?

Like I amuse you?

I make you chuckle?

Tell me, how am I silly?

I guess you're not.

Ours is a very serious business.

Anyone can fall down.

You could trip right now, break all those perfect teeth.

But we do it for a living.

Let's go.

-He's not leaving until he's been treated.

-It's all right. I'll go.

You touch either one of us, I'll call the police.

I'm not frightened of you.

Go on. What are you going to tell them?

A concerned father came to see his son?

You what?

Michael's my son.

And he knows better

than to talk about the family business with outsiders.

Is that true?

Go wait in the car.

You see,

laughter is the best medicine, Doc,

we'll take it from here.

HORN HOOTS

And I was reassessed as a matter of urgency.

You don't think that's a bit forceful?

No, Mum, it needs to be.

ENGINE BACKFIRES

Why have you been so jumpy all day?

I'm probably edgy cos YOU keep mentioning it.

What aren't you telling me?

Mum?

I thought your father might've found us.

You saw him?

No. I...

I got a book delivered that I didn't order.

You know, one of those Bond novels that he liked.

And I saw an ad in the paper that made me think of him.

What did it say?

It doesn't matter. I was being silly.

Was it like the ad when he found us at Auntie Carol's?

I'm calling the police.

Louis! Louis, wait! I've already spoken to them.

When?

Rob came round yesterday.

You saw Sergeant Hollins?

Yes, and I explained everything.

Please put the phone down.

What're you doing here?

I'm on house calls.

You can't be here. Go away.

Hello.

-I'm sick!

-And I'm a doctor.

I can't talk. My throat hurts.

I thought it was your stomach?

That too.

Sounds serious. Maybe I should take a look.

I don't want to see you, OK? I'm a terrible person!

Sorry!

Look, I get it.

You're in pain, this doctor filled your head with nonsense.

I forgive you.

But you've got to step up now, mate.

You'll be running the family business one day,

and you've got to be ready. Do you understand?

Yeah. It's just... Dr Tyler said...

Forget about the doctor.

He won't be causing us any more trouble.

What did you do?

Dad?

-Rise and shine, sunny Jim. It's payday.

-Mr Giggles?

-Doing jobs on the side, eh?

-Please, no!

You should know better.

Do it.

-Mr Giggles?

-Dad, I can't...

-No!

-Do it now.

-No!

-Do it!

Please, no!

No! Please!

No!

BALLOONS BURST

My balloons!

My balloons!

This is from him.

I shouldn't have shown you. You're just going to get more worked up.

I'm not a child, Mum.

I have the right to be worried.

Rob thinks...

He's wrong.

I want the police in to do a full safety review.

What more can they do?

I don't know, Mum. Install an alarm? Replace the locks. I don't know.

I don't want all that fuss.

It's called taking precautions.

I'm fine as I am.

You're not!

Look, I think you should get counselling or something.

You never talk about it!

Too much time's been wasted talking about the past.

I don't want to bring it all up again.

But you hide away from life, and you pretend to me that everything's fine. Why?

You don't tell me you think he might be back.

A man who terrorised us!

Why would you keep that from me?

Because I don't want you to worry.

-Of course I'm going to worry!

-Well, don't!

I tried so hard to keep you and your brother safe.

And I failed Rick, I'm not going to let the same happen to you.

It's a bit late.

I was there, remember?

I shouldn't have brought it all up.

I want you to forget the past, and just live a normal life.

How can I forget?

This? This is for spilling some paint.

This?

This is to teach me it's dangerous to run with scissors.

Go on, Mum, show me the burn mark

where he put a branding iron to you whilst I was watching.

If you're trying to save me, you're too late!

Louis, you're hurting me.

Holding out on me, were you?!

No, I wasn't.

I should deflate you like one of your balloons!

-Please, no!

-Hit him again!

No! Please!

No! Get off him!

Get out of here. Go!

-I'm not taking any more.

-Calm down, son.

-Why should I?

So you can punch me again?

You don't care.

Of course I do.

Do you think I don't feel this too?

How else am I going to teach you to be strong?

By making me feel weak?!

I'm sick of it, I'm sick of the way you treat me.

That doctor was right.

I don't have to take this!

It ends now!

Listen, anything I did, right, I did it cos I love you.

No, no, no. You don't know the meaning of the word.

I don't know the meaning of a lot of words.

Like osteoporosis. What does that mean?

Weak? Ungrateful?

That's not how a dad's supposed to talk.

What're you going to do about it?

I'll call the police!

Oh? So that's your big stand, is it?

-Yeah.

-Ratting out on your own dad?

-Yeah.

-They won't listen.

-Oh, they'll believe me.

-Grow up!

My mates in blue are not going to believe

that this old clown is a gangster.

Shut up.

-Now you're backing down, like you do with everything else.

-Shut up!

For one second there,

I was almost proud of you.

I take no pleasure in this.

But how else are you going to learn?

Hey?

Are you going to sit there all day?

I don't know. Am I?

There, you're in.

Feel satisfied?

Now leave, please.

Look, I think you're having an attack.

I just want to help, that's all.

You can't help. You're as bad as me.

It's dripping on the carpet.

Yeah, OK, it bothers me, but I can deal with it.

And I can deal with whatever you're going through too.

I can't date!

I don't know what I was thinking.

-I blame you.

-Me?

Yes, with your face, and your kindness, and your clean nails.

No! No.

I'll just ruin this, like I ruin everything else.

Stupid!

You're not stupid. We just have a condition.

If you knew what was going on in my head.

I don't want to see you any more!

No! No! No hospital.

-You can fix me.

-Michael?

Please.

He wasn't always bad.

When I was a kid, he used to teach me tricks in the back garden.

Juggling, fire poi.

We'd be out there for hours.

Maybe he's right. I'm weak.

He's not, OK?

The fact is, some people are no good at raising kids.

I'm not close to my old man.

Does that bother you?

Sometimes. But he wasn't part of my life. He didn't raise me.

What right does he have to be called my parent?

But he's your dad.

That's just a label.

You need to earn it, in my book.

Not just having five minutes of fun and walking away.

You should never make a kid feel scared.

You're right.

I'm so angry with him.

I just want to tear him apart with these hands, but they'd break.

Violence is your dad's game. You're better than that.

Try using your brains instead of brawn.

I'm sure you can figure out a way of getting out of his control,

and never going back.

-You cleaned up.

-Yeah.

I like you, but you won't give us a chance.

I'm sorry. I want to, but...

Nope.

Tell me.

I'm a racist.

You're not racist!

No, but I keep having these thoughts,

and I'm afraid if they come out you'll hate me forever.

You're not a racist. Just use your technique.

Say it out loud.

I can't. It's too terrible.

You're safe here. Just get it out of your system.

Taffy!

Is that it? Taffy?

I know you're Welsh.

I've heard worse.

It feels so much better to get that out. Thank you.

Sheep! You like sheep!

Yes, I do.

Is that it? Is it all out now?

I think so.

Can we go for dinner?

I'd really like that.

Tom Jones is a...

Whoa! All the other stuff, fine.

But you leave Tom alone, OK?

Are you going somewhere?

No.

You are.

I thought we talked about this.

You're out, Dad. Retirement begins today.

You've slipped on one too many banana skins. Damaged his head.

You said I'd take over the business when I was ready.

Well, I finally learnt my lesson.

I've got a meeting. We'll talk about this later.

Everyone here appreciates what you've done for them,

but it's time for a change.

I think you're right. I've got one too many clowns.

Look, I promise better working conditions, flexible hours,

and a 10% drop in commission fees.

What? You're going to follow him?

He's weak!

If I'm so weak, how come I'm standing in your office,

telling you how it is?

Don't just stand there. Get him!

Work with me and there'll be no more intimidation.

Happy workers make more money

than ones that are scared for their lives.

-Who wants to spread some happiness?

-Yeah!

I made you all...

You made us suffer. We're not taking it any more.

You're nothing without me.

I got all the contacts!

You only worked cos of my name!

It's my name too, Dad.

And thanks to you, I know everything I need to run the family business.

You're redundant.

Get this ungrateful joker out of here!

This gives me no pleasure.

But how else are you going to learn?

Kev!

Thanks for coming.

No worries. It was on my way home.

Everything all right?

I wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for me.

Your advice was much appreciated.

I can't accept this.

Please. Just give it to charity, whatever. You earned it.

No, I can't. I was just doing my job.

Then I'll do it on your behalf.

In our line of work, it's always good to know a doctor.

What? In light entertainment?

Sure.

So you've taken over?

I thought you'd follow your own path.

Clowning is in my blood, remember?

The acts need me.

But don't worry, I'll be different from my dad.

I'll treat people with respect.

What do they say about good intentions?

I shouldn't keep you.

Thanks again,

I couldn't have done this without you.

Patrick, as far as we know,

is the only surviving victim

of a killer who targeted male sex workers around Birmingham.

Body parts were identified from one victim, dug up by a farmer.

-Rob, hello.

-Hi.

Karen's been through a lot of...

really heavy stuff recently.

Ghost man, in his ghost white van.

That's it. Lie still for me, mate, OK?