The Boy Narcissus Doctors

MUSIC: Teardrop by Massive Attack

-Whoa, sorry!

-Sorry. I was just...

It's Mark, right?

Er...Max.

Max, yeah, of course. I'm...

Ella. I know.

I mean, I've, erm, seen you around.

Just stayed over at my boyfriend Jared's, down the hall.

Hashtag walk-of-shame!

Hope no-one minds?

Um...no, I don't suppose...

Wait, you're in Sociology 101 with me, aren't you?

Of course you are, you're the really smart one

who sits like front row, centre.

MOBILE RINGS

Got to run, but I'll see you over there. Save me a seat, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, Dr Carter, I wondered

if you could possibly squeeze in Mr Mayhew again at four?

He's asking for a male doctor what with his...you know,

and I didn't like to...

-Know need. It's fine.

-Sorry, I know you're chocker today.

I'm at peak efficiency when I'm busy.

Excuse me.

Not too busy to fit in a strategy meeting with your favourite

-practice manager, I hope?

-Today?

Yes, there are a few issues

that demand the attention of two partners.

If you haven't got a better offer?

Let me just check my diary.

OK, I'll be in my office.

Ah, no need. I have my e-planner right here.

Ooh, look at you with your fancy pants gadget.

Kevin recommended it to me.

It synchronises it with my desktop calendar

faster than it takes me to look up February in the old diary.

-Get you, so down with the kids.

-Oh, please, don't say that phrase.

And the verdict is?

I'm chock-a-block with patients,

but I can fit you in at the end of the day, if that suits?

Perfect.

Boys and their toys.

So I'm afraid there will be penalty points for any late submissions.

Finally, you'll all have received an e-mail regarding

the Chalcroft Foundation Bursary -

a fully funded year's study in California

for our most promising student.

I thought that might wake one or two of you up.

Now, the Foundation have decided on a rather fun 24-hour essay challenge

as part of the application process.

Well, it's all in the e-mail.

Entries in my inbox by 10am tomorrow.

Good luck, one and all.

Hey, sorry I missed you on the way in.

No, it's fine.

I was hoping to ask you a teensy favour, actually.

You know all that about penalty points?

Well, I only went and missed that last deadline.

To be honest, I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to be doing!

Last week's essay? Media Representations Of Gender, right?

Right. Wow, you're so on top of it.

I don't suppose you could give me a few tips?

Just set me in the right direction so I know where I'm going?

Oh. Well, I was thinking of going for that bursary thing, so...

I mean, he said 24 hours, so...

Perfect! We could make it a thing.

Two heads are better than one and all that jazz.

MOBILE RINGS

Besides, it'd be nice to get to know

some of the people on Jared's corridor better.

Always good to make new friends. Oh, my God! Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-I'll get some help.

No. It's fine.

Seriously, someone should take a look at you or something.

Honestly, it's nothing. I've got to go, there's a seminar...

Come on, better to be safe than sorry.

I'll take care of you.

Heston!

Professor Fingelton?

Oh! Victor, please. We've known each other long enough.

You're not my 10.15.

Oh, heavens, no.

No, I thought I'd just pop down to say a quick hello

and let you know how terribly excited we are

about your speech this evening.

Really?

Oh, yes, my sociology students are in for a treat and it's been

far too long since you and I chewed the academic cud, so to speak.

Indeed. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Splendid. Can't wait to see what you've cooked up.

It'll be just like old times.

Quite. Fascinating subject. And...

..intriguing title.

"Connecting With Our 21st-Century Selves."

I was rather proud of that one.

Yes. Very broad too.

Well, that's the other reason I stopped by.

It'd be rather wonderful to have a little summary of your lecture.

Just for a brief precis, so to speak.

I just wanted to do something rather special

and I wanted it to be a surprise...

That's marvellous!

Well, I'll see you at seven this evening.

Ah, Dr Carmichael. What do you think?

You're going to have to give me a hint.

Our new self-check-in machine.

Mr Bellamy has charged me with overseeing its installation.

Ah, yes, one of Howard's better ideas. He mentioned something about it in the partners' meeting.

-Should make life much easier.

-Indeed.

Thanks for helping and everything, but I feel fine now.

Can't have my study buddy dropping dead on me, can I?

"Study buddy", really?

-Too pre-school?

-Little bit.

Can I help you?

Yes, we'd like a slot on your drop-in list, please,

or whatever you call it.

Ah. We are trialling a new system.

All drop-in patients are required to sign in

at our new self-service machine, just over there.

Can you not just put us down?

Just follow the instructions on screen, if you would.

Right. OK.

Hashtag rude.

You do realise you're saying the word hashtag out loud.

-I should probably knock that on the head.

-Probably.

MACHINE BEEPS

This is such a waste of time. Come on, let's just go.

We're here now, come on.

There's your problem. You didn't set your automatic updates,

so whatever you put on there lately won't have transferred onto your phone.

You assured me this app was foolproof.

You don't want a reply to that, do you?

There must be some malfunction. I never forget an engagement.

January 29th, LU Sociology lecture. That's right, isn't it?

Looks like you have a speech to write.

Oh, Kevin, wait! You wouldn't have any bright ideas, would you?

The subject is - Connecting With Our 21st...

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Ah, yes, Mr Smithee, have a seat.

Have you ever had any episodes like this before?

Episodes?

Blackouts? Seizures?

No. No, nothing like that.

I just felt faint for a couple of seconds.

I'm fine, really.

What about your alcohol intake?

Honest answer.

No. I mean, I don't, really. Never.

Teetotal student.

And I thought I'd seen everything.

Are you on any medication at the moment?

So how are you finding things generally?

I thought it'd be a new start.

I could be...different.

I was a pretty hard worker at school.

Didn't have a lot of time for friends. But...

..but you just end up being the same old you.

Now I'm going to be that guy who fainted

in the lecture theatre for ever.

I'm sure that's not true.

With a bit of luck, I can get this scholarship in America.

Now, that's a fresh start.

That sounds exciting.

24 hours to nail the entry essay though.

Well, 23 now.

How are you finding the workload?

You know, I'm sure you can negotiate an extension

if you don't feel up to finishing it today.

Yeah, cos that'd look really good. Late and rubbish.

I'm a double threat.

Well, you should try and have some fun.

Maybe spend some time with your friends.

I'll try.

If anything else happens, come back and see me.

So that's it? I can...I can go?

Unless there's anything else you want to tell me?

No.

That was fast.

Yeah, all fine. Just a bit tired, nothing to worry about.

Well, that's a relief.

So these essays, we should probably get started on them soon.

It'll be great working together. Take the sting out of it.

It'll take twice as...

I mean, sure.

Brilliant. We'll do lunch.

Oh, it's just I've got this tutorial thing with the professor.

Better not miss it. Wouldn't look very good, not today.

No problem, we can do it after.

I'll text you. What's your number?

Erm...

There must be something here to inspire me.

It's not like you to be short of an opinion or 12.

I thought you'd have stacks of lectures ready

and waiting for a captive audience.

Well, funnily enough, I don't have something readily available

that fits a topic as breathtakingly inconceivable as

Connecting With Our 21st-Century Selves.

Just wing it. Tell a few tall tales about oddball patients.

Close with a couple of jokes. Applause, applause, applause.

That might work for you.

It's not like a bunch of bleary-eyed students

are going to be paying much attention anyway.

I'd be surprised if anyone turns up.

Professor Fingelton and I have engaged in serious one-upmanship

ever since we locked horns at the Cambridge debating society.

I need something fresh, edgy and original.

What about this? I've just had an e-mail from Mrs T.

I'd stay out of it, if I were you.

She's going on about that new self-check-in doodah

they've got at the campus.

Don't know what she's so worked up about.

Do you really think that supplies the level of insight that I require?

Just gloss it up with a PowerPoint, a bit of clip art...

It works every time.

And where are you going?

I've got patients to see. Remember, that thing we do?

Oh, speaking of which. Mr Travers is waiting.

I just need a bit more time.

The Foundation aren't expecting miracles,

so long as it's your best effort.

It's just I've had a lot on recently.

I wouldn't ask, but all the deadlines are stacking up

and I just want it to be perfect.

I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll have a word with the administrator

and see if we can't finagle a little extension.

In the meantime,

we have a special guest lecturer coming in this evening.

Mainly for postgrads, but I think you could get a lot out of it.

Tonight? I don't think I'll have time.

Oh, nonsense, it's only an hour. Recharge your inspiration.

Between you and me,

I could do with filling the seats. I'd hate to embarrass the poor chap.

-Right, I'm with you.

-See you at seven?

-I'll try.

-Splendid.

TELEPHONE BEEPS

Mrs Aaronson?

Well, you're not Mrs Aaronson, clearly.

Give me two seconds.

This has been going on all morning.

Is there a problem, Dr Carmichael?

All my appointments are in the wrong order,

and this phantom Mrs Aaronson keeps popping up on my system

every hour on the hour!

That is most peculiar.

It is bordering on the absurd. So what's going on?

Mrs Tembe?

So, basically, he gave you the extension just

so you'd make up the numbers at his postgrad lecture thingy?

What a player! Are you going to go?

Suppose I'll have to now.

But if I don't nail this essay,

I won't stand a chance at winning the bursary.

Goodbye, California, hello another year of Letherbridge drudgery.

What you need is a night off.

We should get the drinks in, get everyone over.

-I don't know...

-A block party,

they're always having them over at our halls.

I thought you wanted to finish this?

We've made a good start, it'll be fine.

I'll make a playlist! What sort of tunes you into?

Really, I'd rather just get this done.

Too late. Invites have gone out.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Hello, babe.

-Mwah, mwah, mwah...

-Ew, you're all sweaty.

Fresh from another victory.

That's the sweet smell of success, that is.

Shut up, you filthy boy.

It seems to have a few glitches.

Glitches?

LOUD BEEP

The touch screen takes a little getting used to.

It's not the technology that's the problem,

it's the idiots trying to use it.

It lacks the human touch that our old system had.

Well, just make sure people know what they're doing.

A difficult proposition these days, I'm sure,

but I'm relying upon you, Mrs Tembe.

Yes, well, I will not let you down, Dr Carmichael.

LOUD BEEPING

Oh, infernal machine...

COUGHING AND RETCHING

Max?

Leave him.

He's been in there ages.

Max, are you OK?

TOILET FLUSHES

Ever heard of privacy?

-Were you sick this morning too?

-I told you, I'm fine.

I don't want you passing out on me again.

The doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, just stress.

So can you just drop it?

Besides, you've clearly got better things to be doing.

Max, wait!

What's the big deal? He's blatantly just hung over.

I thought you said he's always locked away in his room.

Maybe he's a serial killer and he's got a body stashed in there.

Don't. Which one's his?

That one, I think.

El, I've got the beers in. The lads'll be over in a bit.

I'll be there.

Don't get involved.

Shouldn't someone make sure he's OK?

He's just some weirdo down the corridor. Who cares?

Come on.

"..allowing the statistical methodology to work for us,

"rather than the other way round."

Thank you all for coming, et cetera et cetera.

Ah, Victor. It's Heston.

Are you set up for PowerPoint presentations over there?

Marvellous! I didn't think you had it in your repertoire.

Well, it's come a long way since we duelled it out with index cards.

Indeed. Any hints yet?

My lips are sealed.

You always did know how to tease a topic.

I have every faith it shall surpass expectations, as ever.

See you at seven.

COMPUTER BEEPS

COMPUTER BEEPS

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

Um... Is Ella here?

She went out looking for you, for some reason.

Oh, OK.

Listen, I don't know what your problem is,

but keep her out of it, OK?

What are you on about?

I've seen the way you look at her whenever you're round here.

Now a little crisis to get her attention. "Boo-hoo, look at me."

Don't you have an arm-wrestling tournament to get to or something?

She's only hanging around you today

so you'll finish her stupid essay for her, you know?

She'll never be interested in anything else.

I mean, look at you.

Whatever.

There you are.

I've been trying to find you. Why didn't you answer your phone?

I went to the library for a bit of peace.

Some of us have actually got work to do, remember?

Why don't you stay for a bit,

-Have a drink with us?

-El?

Maybe later. I've got to get this finished.

How about you tell me what these are first?

-Ready?

-Sorry?

Strategy meeting. End of play, you said.

Oh, erm... We're going to have to reschedule, I'm afraid.

I don't have time for the minutiae of practice manager speak

-right now.

-I see.

This machine has destroyed my work.

-What's the problem?

-Lord knows.

Have you tried the tech support line?

Like they're going to resurrect it over the phone.

That's what we keep them on contract for.

Hello. Howard Bellamy the Mill Health Centre.

This is ridiculous.

Yes, it seems we have a problem with one of our desktops.

Essentially it's frozen.

I'm going to look like a complete idiot

-in front of Professor Fingelton and his students.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I doubt that very much.

Surely it's something more complicated than that.

OK, I'll ask him.

Have you turned it off and turned it off again?

Oh, for heaven's sake. Is that all we pay them for?

I assume so.

There must be somebody else who knows what they're talking about.

OK, I'll try that, thank you very much. Goodbye.

Kevin! Kevin!

What, so you thought it was OK to snoop around my room?

I wasn't snooping. I was worried.

After what happened this morning...

They're prescription, OK? Give them back.

Look, it's none of my business, I know,

-but you said you were stressed.

-Lay off, will you?

If he wants to get wired on pep pills

and write essays all night like a loser, that's his business.

It's not your problem.

You don't know anything about me.

Just get out of my face.

Jared!

You're a loser.

Why don't you do us all a favour and just do one?

Nobody's going to miss you.

Max!

Max, what are you doing? What's wrong?

Go back to your boyfriend and stay out of my life.

Max!

Max!

OK, I've had to reboot it manually.

Let's see if that works.

What's everybody up to in here?

Heston's computer has gremlins.

Oh, no, I hate it when that happens.

-Have you tried...

-Yes.

Sorry I spoke.

There you go. See, what did I tell you?

Where's my presentation? It should be here!

(Thanks Kevin. No, don't mention it. It's fine.)

-Crisis averted then?

-It's not here. It's not here!

You did save it as you went along, right?

Oh, no. All that work for nothing.

Thank you, Valerie.

All that technology at your fingertips

-and you're right back to square one.

-Maybe leave it, yeah?

Valerie...

..you're a genius!

Just down here and right.

Without sugar, just the way you like it.

Why, thank you, Dr Carmichael.

That is very kind of you, and somewhat unprecedented,

if I may say so.

Well, it's the end of the day.

-Chance for a chat and a catch up.

-MACHINE BEEPS

Is it just me, or has that infernal machine been doing that all day?

Yes, well, I have called the maintenance company.

That is ridiculous. How's your tea?

It is very nice, thank you.

Super.

On an entirely unrelated note,

how are things at your church these days?

Oh, thank God. Doctor, I need to speak with you.

-I'm sorry we are closed...

-Please. It's urgent!

He was throwing up at lunchtime as well.

Perhaps he ate something that didn't agree with him.

I was with him at lunch. He didn't eat anything.

What about these?

What are they? Pep pills?

Well, no, these aren't stimulants, they're emetics.

You said he was vomiting earlier?

Have you noticed anything else unusual?

Has he been exercising excessively lately?

I'm not sure, I don't really know him that well.

The mirror. He'd taped up his mirror.

OK. Well, this doesn't seem to be about drugs or exams,

and now I am concerned.

Have you talked to him about any of this?

I tried to but he just grabbed a bottle of vodka

and shut himself away.

I thought he didn't drink.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, my God.

OK, where is he now?

HE LAUGHS

Is he still in there?

-Who cares? Come and join the party.

-Get off.

Has anyone spoken to him?

I'm a doctor.

Seriously? He's just having a tantrum.

Why don't I get you two lovely ladies a drink?

Can you stop being a prat for like five minutes?!

Fine. Do what you want then.

Max?

Max, are you all right in there?

Max!

Max, this is Dr Carmichael. We met this morning.

Can I come in?

Max, please just let us in.

We have to get in there.

Jared! We need you.

Please?

ALARM SOUNDS

Oh, my goodness! Look what has happened.

ALARM STOPS

Whoa.

Dude, what have you done?

How many have you taken?

Hopefully you've vomited most of them up.

-Gross.

-Make yourself useful and call an ambulance.

I thought you were...

Why didn't you let me help you?

You only wanted to help yourself.

That's not true.

OK, maybe it was, but I had no idea.

I thought you liked me.

-I did.

-OK, that's enough.

-I do!

Max, do you want to tell me why you did this?

You don't know what it's like.

Every day, looking like this.

Like what? There's nothing wrong with you!

OK, enough.

Max. Come on, Max, sit up.

How long have you been anorexic?

Tell me about the mirror.

I just wish I could be normal.

Like him.

If it was his face in the mirror...

I don't understand.

It seems that Max has a very poor self-image,

which means that he's repulsed even by his own reflection.

Enough for him to take drastic measures. Am I wrong?

But why?

That's the question that Max needs some time to answer for himself.

But for now, hospital then we're going to get you some therapy.

You need support.

You need to call your family, get your parents down here.

Are you his friend?

Of course I am.

OK, you need to go with him to St Phil's.

I'm scared.

I'll be with you.

I promise.

Come here.

I'm going to take care of you.

I was planning on giving a very technical, very savvy,

and very dull lecture this evening.

But then something struck me.

For all the artifice of the modern world,

for all the smartphones and tablets and gadgets...

..we are no more connected now than we've ever been.

If anything, we may have become more disconnected

thanks to the technologies which circumscribe our digital existence.

Social media, which assigns our friends a number but not a value,

automated machines which keep us from interacting with human beings.

Ciphers and passwords which codify and compartmentalise

our very identities.

But what good are these wonders of technology

if they keep us running at such a fast pace,

so busy that we risk missing what's right in front of our eyes?

PHONE RINGS Because the true value

of human endeavour lies not in feats of science,

not in the push of a button or the blink of an eye,

but in connecting with other people.

Right, you, just get away. The rest of you clear off.

Look at the state of this place.

Argh!

HE SCREAMS

I think it would be easier if I did everything myself.

I could bring Joe too, maybe this Sunday, to church?

-There's something not right.

-Yep.

-Be careful.

-He's still in there.

-OK, thank you.