Perestroika Doctors

I thought students had to be coerced into seeing a doctor?

-Viruses.

-Eh?

Young adults are susceptible to viruses

and when they are all compressed together...

Yes, I know how young adults like to be compressed together.

Anyhow, most of this lot are probably after a sick note.

And some just want help in taking care of themselves.

Yes, well, I learnt that in the army.

Where are these posters you've been talking about?

They will provide essential information for the student body.

What, like, how to keep your fingernails clean?

Something like that.

Your assistance is very much appreciated.

It is good for them to see someone in authority,

who is concerned with their welfare.

Thank you.

Whatever you're thinking about doing, stop even thinking about it!

Roger!

-So what are we going to do?

-Whatever you like.

What, like, jumping on a plane and flying to Mauritius?

We've only got one day off.

At least it's together.

Lucky I had a day in lieu.

Right, you get to choose then.

Hmm. We could...walk down to the lake,

go for lunch at the Green Cafe.

Mmm, they do baked Camembert!

You had that the last time.

I'm a Welshman. Apply heat to cheese and I'm there, baby.

Or, we could have a staycation.

-What, in Letherbridge?

-Mm.

Here. Upstairs, in bed.

Oh! Jimmi Clay, you naughty...

-I'm so sorry!

-Aaahhhh!

No, not the green one! The green one is the surface cloth!

The yellow one's for the floor.

-And what's the blue one for?!

-It's not funny.

-Jimmi, I...

-You think it's a joke!?

-No, I...

It's not, I can't have this. I can't have this mess.

HE GROANS

-Roger?!

-You all right, Baz? I'm a little indisposed.

I'd prefer Officer Biglow at work

and you're supposed to be manning the security desk.

Sorry, mate... Officer Biglow.

I went out for a few jars last night, then got a bit peckish.

Think I put too much chilli on my doner.

The security of these premises is not attendant

on the whims of your digestive system.

-That's good to know.

-I mean, you're supposed to be working!

I am allowed a toilet break.

You had five yesterday.

You've already had two verbal warnings for malingering.

The next will be a written one,

on University of Letherbridge Security Department headed notepaper.

Sorry, mate. On the subject of paper, you wouldn't mind, eh...?

Ta.

Now, get a move on.

That thief has done two more student rooms this week.

I want to increase patrols and provide a visual deterrent.

Sounds like a good idea.

I'll be with you in a jiffy.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, no... No!

HE SIGHS

Now, I have assembled this Photofit of our suspect

from statements and CCTV footage.

-Looks a right shady character, him.

-Hmm. Completely without scruples.

Waits for someone to leave their room unattended

and then he's in, nicking MP4s, PCs, tablets...

What, so he's into pills, as well?

Tablet computers. Transportable and lucrative.

It's our duty to stop this person at source.

What, so we go and hide in one of the student rooms

and wait for him to creep in?

There are 653 rooms at the student halls.

I would say that that tactic is, at best, misguided

and, at worse, statistically challenged.

I think you might have a point there, Baz.

-BAZ CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Officer Biglow.

Rog, your previous experience in life has been as an arc welder

and factory itinerant.

And you only got this job

because your missus is a bingo mate of my cousin Deidre.

I am really grateful.

I know.

But my point is, in consideration of expertise

and tactical thinking, I think I should take the lead.

You're the boss, boss.

So, eyes peeled, senses active and instincts turned up to ten.

We, my ami de guerre, are going to catch a thief.

Rog...

..this way.

Sorry I'm late.

I thought you'd taken the taxi money and done a runner.

Why would I do a runner?

Maybe you changed your mind.

I was thinking about it all last night.

Should I, shouldn't I...?

It's too much now.

I couldn't have a baby and do everything it needed.

And there are things I want to do. Lots of things.

I want to live more, do more,

before I'm ready for a child.

-That's not being selfish, is it?

-No.

I think that's a reasoned decision.

-HE SIGHS

-Shall we?

MUSIC: "Extreme Ways" by Moby

Gotcha!

Stop, stop, stop.

Just stop.

-How many times! I am NOT a thief!

-How do you explain this, then?

-Doesn't look a bit like me.

-I think you need to change your optician.

Now, are you going to come quiet? Baz, I've got him!

Captain Bellamy. Rog. What's going on?

I think your officer here has been a little bit over-zealous.

Don't think anyone's ever accused him of that before.

-I was just trying to prove me worth.

-In what capacity?!

I did instruct him to be on heightened alert.

And we were looking for someone who matched that description.

There's your man.

Oi! Come on!

Idiot! You're such an idiot!

Someone you really like, the first one who understands and you know

how he needs things to be and you made a mess, messed up!

The wrong cloth, how can you use the wrong cloth? Stupid, so stupid!

Hermione?

Hermione, I've finished.

Her-...?

Great(!)

Going somewhere?

I'm coming! Hold it right there, I'm...

Roger? Roger?

You all right?

Rog?

Rog!

You all right?

Thank you for coming with me.

You're helping me so much.

I want to.

Why?

Well, it's your body and your choice.

But you need support.

That appears to be me.

You're not like a normal doctor.

Mm. That has been observed.

Right. I can still call your mum or another adult friend

if you want me to?

No. Thanks.

-GENTLE SNORING

-Roger?

Roger...?

Hello, mate, you've had a bump to the head.

-HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

-Easy, it's important that we...

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

What on Earth is he saying?!

Haven't got a scooby.

Why don't we lie you back down again?

Another prisoner safely in police custody.

So how's the patient?

How big a bang did he take to the head?

It was a fair clatter. What do you think, concussion?

Well, he's talking gobbledygook.

That's just Roger. Gobbledygook is his lingua franca.

-No, I mean...

-Viktor Grishkov.

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

That's not gobbledygook, that's Russian!

Couldn't even speak English properly this morning.

I have heard of cases like this,

where a sudden blow to the head can give a person unexplained abilities,

such as knowing a language they have never learned,

or vast experience in philately.

Rog, how's your knowledge of stamps?

Viktor Grishkov.

HE REPEATS HIMSELF IN RUSSIAN

It would help to know what he's saying.

If Roger's lost in translation, we need a translator.

Professor Miriam Syers, Director of Russian Studies.

HE DIALS PHONE

Hey! What's wrong?

I'm her doctor.

-They said they could do it.

-All right, what's the problem?

In two weeks.

Two weeks?!

That's the waiting list here. I want it done now.

All right. Give me a sec.

Your magazine's upside-down.

Oh, come on, Hermione, talk to me.

-I wasn't laughing at you. I know it's not a joke.

-I know.

And it was an accident, I didn't mean to spill it.

-Of course it was.

-But it's typical, I'm trying to be careful,

but I'm never careful enough.

It's not really about being careful, though.

It is, though, it's about detail,

keeping on top. But things slip away

and I knew it was stupid to use the wrong cloth,

but when I saw the juice dripping

and I could see that it was sticky and would pick up the dirt, and...

Jimmi?

Jimmi?!

Don't the guidelines recommend a procedure within ten days?

Yes, but I told Fliss...

A girl her age doesn't need the extra stress of waiting.

That's why I offered to refer her to the Charndale Clinic.

Yeah, which is 14.2 miles away.

And she said she didn't want to travel that far.

But it is the closest clinic that can offer short-notice procedures.

-You are here in your professional capacity?

-How do you mean?

Is it usual for you to accompany your patients to appointments?

-No.

-So, what's the motive?

-What do you mean by "moti-..."

-I mean, are you the father?

Do I look like the kind of man who would do that to a 14-year-old girl?

-Well, I...

-Before you answer,

let me warn you I have the GMC and a very good lawyer on speed dial.

Of course I'm not the father!

It was some kid from school, it was their first time

and the condom split.

As I understand it, Fliss's mother is set against abortion,

but she desperately wants one.

I only met her this week,

but she is my patient and she asked for my help.

-My apologies.

-I'm not condoning it, but it's happened.

She is mature and she has reached this conclusion on her own.

I think we need to respect that.

I'll see if we can free up an appointment...

Hopefully, before a D and E is required.

There's been a cancellation on Monday...

Monday sounds great, let's go for that.

Right, so that's an appointment for three o'clock on Monday.

Excellent. Three o'clock Monday. Thanks very much for your help.

SHE ASKS QUESTION IN RUSSIAN

Viktor Grishkov.

HE ANSWERS IN RUSSIAN

Is that a "no"?

He's been repeating that over and over...

Viktor Grishkov, Sergeant,

1st Kapralov Engineer Regiment, Number 7793150.

-Name, rank and serial Number.

-Eh?

Maybe he thinks he's a prisoner of war.

He's a redundant arc-welder. from Smethwick.

That could be his cover.

Cover?

He could be a Spetsnaz sleeper.

A what?

The Cold War.

Soviets were said to have infiltrated

some of their elite commandos into the British civilian life.

Their job was to remain under cover, until the eve of invasion,

then they were to attack major targets.

Roger has trouble attacking a nine-square Sudoku.

But his intellectual

and technical abilities are probably far in advance.

Mm, that'll be really, really deep cover, then?

The deeper, the better. His accent is perfect.

And he hasn't got concussion.

Maybe what has happened is that the blow to the head has removed

the pretence of his daily life

and he has reverted back to his true identity.

There is an abundance of psychological literature

in the staff room.

That could be the point...

everyday pretence has been stripped away

and he's primed and waiting.

-What for?

-His trigger word.

The word that's his notification of impending invasion

and the command to carry out his mission.

It may be something like Red Square or Potemkin.

-Or Dynamo Kiev or Spartak Moscow.

-Spartak!

Oh, my goodness! What in...?

If I've started World War III, I do apologise.

Should we contact the authorities?

Oh, yeah. Good idea, why don't we call 999 and say,

"Oh, sorry, I think I've activated

"a Soviet commando, would you mind locking down the West Midlands?"

-It was just a thought.

-How's about this for a thought?

We split up and find him, before he blows up a nuclear reactor...

Or does something really serious.

Well, go on, then.

I-I will wait here, in case he comes back.

"Viktor Grishkov..."

-Ring a bell?

-There's something about it.

Look, while you think,, why don't we search the main building?

JAMES BOND-ESQUE MUSIC

HE MUTTERS IN RUSSIAN

Should be far enough away, here. You going to make it?

Yeah, they do a second register after lunch.

-Make sure no-one's escaped?

-Yeah. Thanks for getting the appointment.

Sure. If Monday's too early, I can always call Doctor Blakely and...

No. It'll be OK.

See you Monday.

Whoa. No, Fliss. I can't...

SHE SIGHS

Be unlikely to find him here.

His usual workplace of choice is a cubicle in the gents.

Maybe that's where he was planning the downfall of the West.

Viktor Grishkov. This is why I remember him.

Roger's been buried in that all week.

"Viktor Grishkov was plucked from the ranks of a Red Army

"combat engineers' regiment in the mid-1970s

"and trained as a Spetsnaz special forces commando.

"Under the auspices of the KGB, Grishkov was infiltrated

"into the UK, where, under an assumed identity,

"he lived in the West Midlands, while awaiting to undertake

"his covert mission."

If he was a combat engineer, originally,

what would his targets have been - airfields, power stations..?

Sir Anthony Bartley.

-BOTH: Who?

-He was chairman

of the Midlands Central Defence Authority.

In time of invasion, he would have been in charge.

Sir Anthony's day job was Vice-Chancellor

-of the University of Letherbridge.

-But he must be long gone?

Yes, but we still have a Vice-Chancellor.

JAMES BOND-ESQUE MUSIC

He's got the Vice-Chancellor.

Roger!

Roger, open up!

Try "Viktor".

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

HE ANSWERS IN RUSSIAN

He says "the days of the West are over and also those of Sir Anthony Bartle".

He died in 1984!

SHE EXPLAINS IN RUSSIAN

HE ANSWERS IN RUSSIAN

He says he doesn't believe us. We are bourgeois

-imperialists and must be defeated.

-Tell him he really isn't Grishkov.

Tell him he's really Roger Stocks and he's got a wife called Coral

and a fondness for snakebite and black and The Two Ronnies.

SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

..Roger Stocks.

-Coral.

-Coral.

Snakebite and black.

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

..and The Two Ronnies. SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Viktor Grishkov!

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

He still thinks he's Grishkov. And he doesn't even know one Ronnie.

-We'll have to call the police.

-Don't think we've got time.

Captain Bellamy, I have a plan,

whereby we can cunningly infiltrate the room.

-How?

-I've got the key fob.

-Go on, then!

-Won't it be dangerous?

BEEPS

Have no fear. Captain Bellamy and...

Now...don't do anything hasty.

I think we're a bit late for that.

Just stay calm and we'll... HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

-He says "Stay back".

-I think we got that one.

Now, Roger... Viktor...

This is your final warning.

I am a Grand Master in the Oriental martial tradition of Tao-Qing-Quo

and I am not afraid to use it.

HE GROANS

-Hermione, please.

-I'll just make things worse.

-No, you won't.

I already have. You explained your routine.

I shouldn't be here and I understand

if you think I'm too stupid or unclean to want me around.

No, I don't think that.

It was my fault, I totally lost it, it was a really bad one.

We should have had a really nice day together and instead I messed it up

and I spoiled it. I'm sorry. Please.

I was scared you would never speak to me, again.

I was scared I'd scared you away.

-Spetsnaz?

-Mmm.

You were single-handedly going to bring down

-the bourgeois hegemony of the West.

-Or, rather, Viktor Grishkov was.

Your Deidre gave me that for Christmas.

Mm, like I said, Deidre has got a lot to answer for.

-But I don't understand, how did I..?

-Post-traumatic memory transference.

You see, the blow to your head caused your most recent memory,

namely from the book,

to take over your consciousness.

DOOR OPENS

That's what she said.

Well, we're not taking any chances, this time. So, it's straight to St Phil's for a scan, OK?

You're not going to tell the missus about this?

What, that you assumed a psychotic personality

-and held the Vice-Chancellor of the university against his will?

-Yeah.

Oh, does this come under written warning or verbal warning?

It comes under doing the next six months on night shifts.

But, first, let's see if that scan shows exactly what's going on in that brain of yours.

Well, thanks for your help.

Well, it was a slight matter of jumping to conclusions.

So, the real Viktor Grishkov didn't complete his mission?

No, but he stayed on in Britain, Spent his final years in North Wales.

Well, I suppose it has the edge on Siberia.

Still, they had some nerve.

-Who?

-The Russians, planting sleeper agents.

Very daring.

JAMES BOND-ESQUE MUSIC

You didn't get your toasted cheese fix.

Mm. My ancestors will never forgive me.

"You have angered the gods of Welsh Rarebit!"

SHE CHUCKLES

I thought I was on top of it.

Mm, the wonderful world of OCD.

A bit repetitive, isn't it?

Guess we should be more careful.

What do you mean?

Not to trigger each other.

Maybe it's closer to the surface, with both of us.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't see you at all...

Plans for the future? Have you given it any thought?

Well, I'd like to meet someone.

You want to give me £200?

On one condition.

You definitely don't want to talk to your mum about this?

No. Why do you keep asking me that?