Charm School Doctors

THEME TUNE

Welcome, welcome.

Please take a seat.

Is that everyone?

Then let us begin.

Guess who's deemed to grace the university

with her illustrious presence.

As you arrived, I made a split-second judgment about your personality,

your manners, your suitability, mostly based on how you look.

And that is exactly what he will do.

Who is HE? He's the "affluent man of your dreams".

He is your ticket to a better life.

So how do you bewitch and beguile this perfect gentleman?

Over the next four hours, I will give you my proven formula for success.

It worked for me.

I am here and I am available, but commitment is a two-way street.

-I'm sure the irony's not lost on you.

-Isn't it?

A very capable temp receptionist who adores the Mill,

but might be forced to leave,

and a permanent receptionist who...

PHONE RINGS

One moment.

Hello, the Mill Health Centre, how may I help?

I'll be with you in one moment.

-Hello again.

-Can I talk to you?

Yeah, course you can, come on round.

How come Lady Muck's slumming it in Letherbridge?

-Hubby not giving you enough pocket money?

-Zoe?

My spies told me you were here.

You've changed.

Be a bit weird if I hadn't.

Three years.

I did try phoning and e-mailing.

There's only so many unanswered messages I can leave.

What d'you expect

when you won't even throw me a few crumbs from your Swiss penthouse?

So our relationship

was based entirely on those generous monthly payments?

"Our relationship"?! You dictated the terms of that one, not me.

Well, I hope your lack of a trust fund hasn't been too traumatic

now that you're old enough to make your own way in life.

What, by marrying myself a sugar daddy?

I see you're giving lessons on that now.

And how's your daddy? Still sponging off the state?

Dad's great. He's taking me out to lunch later.

My birthday.

-Remember?

-Yes, of course.

-Happy birthday. I haven't forgotten. I just hadn't got round...

-Forget it.

No mum today?

She couldn't make it.

Actually, she wasn't invited.

So she's out of the competition?

Competition?

Guess the mystery illness.

Well, it isn't a mystery.

I know what's wrong with me.

Excellent, that saves me a lot of work.

What's your verdict?

I'm pregnant.

As always, the shoulders are back.

The chin is level and stable, not bobbing around like a cork in water.

Retain this dignified deportment as you take neat, well-measured steps.

Don't think of it as walking,

so much as gliding with impeccable poise and...grace.

Are you here for the seminar?

Why don't you join us?

Pathetic!

Zoe, wait! Agh!

Why don't you take an early coffee break

while I get some medical attention?

Given the timing of your last cycle, you're at 14 weeks.

That gives us a due date of...

..7th of July. August. 7th August.

But there won't be a due date.

-You want to have a termination?

-Yeah.

This is a long conversation.

There are many issues to consider, especially given your age.

Yes. I appreciate that.

Unfortunately, you're too far along to take the abortion pill.

So the foetus will have to be surgically removed?

Correct.

Then that's the only option.

If the pregnancy's to be terminated,

then, yes, that's the only option.

But there are alternatives, Fliss.

You don't think I should have the baby, do you?

That's not for me to say.

Isn't it?

No. I'm here to give you the facts.

Make you aware of the options that are available to you.

Even if I did offer up an opinion,

it wouldn't be nearly as relevant as that of your mum and dad.

-I take it that they're not aware of this?

-No.

And they mustn't find out.

20 minutes? In Zurich, I'd be seen within five.

A bit of Swiss-style efficiency wouldn't go amiss here.

I'm sorry, Mrs...?

Dupont, Laura Dupont. I don't suppose the name means anything to you?

No. Should it?

Perhaps, if you read the society pages.

No doubt you are a very important person. But there is no

queue-jumping here. You have to wait your turn, like everyone else.

Behind these layabouts!? I need some high-dosage painkillers pronto.

PHONE RINGS

The Campus Surgery, good morning.

-Hello!

-Hello.

Are you a celebrity or something?

Fancy a cuppa?

I was an accident.

Dad wanted to get rid of it, get rid of me.

Mum didn't want another kid either...

..but she's always believed that abortion is wrong.

So she stuck to her guns.

Your mum's situation was a long time ago.

I'm sure that she'll view this differently.

Because I'm underage?

-Yes.

-That's irrelevant.

She won't ditch her convictions because of my situation.

I was born because of those convictions.

The next few days, weeks, they're going to be really tough.

Your mind seems to be made up,

but abortion isn't a formality, certainly not at 14 weeks.

You are really going to need your family's support, their guidance.

If I tell Mum, she'll pressure me into keeping the baby.

I know she will.

You might want to wear some flats until your back's better.

Hell will freeze over first.

Definitely glam.

My masseur will sort out any lingering problems.

Alas, he's in Zurich and I need a quick fix.

How long is this going to take?

My students are waiting for me.

-You're a lecturer?

-Just for the day.

"How to Bewitch, Beguile and Keep the Affluent Man of Your Dreams."

Bit old-fashioned, isn't it?

What happened to women's lib

and Germaine Greer and burning your bra?

I wouldn't call myself a feminist.

Instinctively, men are hunter-gatherers.

They like to look after women,

physically, emotionally and financially.

Are you in the market for a millionaire?

Well, yeah, if it gets me out of this place!

I have a last-minute cancellation,

I could squeeze you in for a heavily discounted price.

Yeah, go on, then. It sounds a laugh.

I know what the operation involves.

I know that it'll be painful and upsetting.

And I know that I might grieve for the unborn child.

But I'm prepared for that.

No doubt.

But it's a lot to go through, on your own.

Sharing it with someone will make it so much easier.

I have shared it, with you.

Is there no-one else you can confide in?

-One of your brothers maybe?

-They'd tell Mum.

An aunt or a cousin?

Who's your best mate?

Katie's cool, but she's a gossip.

I might as well announce it in assembly.

The father of the... is he aware of the situation?

Yeah, he knows.

What was his reaction?

He was really shocked, upset.

-Did he suggest that you get an abortion?

-No. I suggested it.

Is he older than you?

Only by a few months.

He's...unreliable.

This is starting to feel like an interrogation.

I'm sorry. I really don't mean it to.

It's just that I have to be certain that there aren't other issues.

"Issues"? Like what?

When you had sex, was it consensual?

Yes, of course. He's a really nice guy.

We get on...

We did get on.

But this has ruined that.

It's ruined everything.

You're not going to tell my mum, are you?

-No.

-D'you promise?

-I promise.

Thank you for your time. You've been really nice.

-We're not quite done yet.

-I've taken up so much of your time already.

Climbing out of a stretch limousine can be an ungainly manoeuvre,

and the paparazzi can be famously indiscreet.

And so take a moment to compose yourself

and check for any last-minute wardrobe malfunctions.

Ensure your dress isn't trussed-up or liable to rip.

Wait for your driver to open the door, calmly exhale, and then...

..once your footing is secure, smile graciously

and rise from the limousine in one smooth and flowing movement.

Like so... RIPPING

Brian?!

Hello.

Marvellous!

I could look at it all day.

I will never forget those brave, smiling faces,

happily enthralled by our little show.

I know. I know. It's unbelievably poignant.

We must have it framed. You can take it with you.

A parting gift.

SHE SOBS

I'll be out of your hair in a minute.

Just having a gander at the refurb.

I'm on the board of governors.

Quite an honour

for a sporadically-employed painter-decorator.

Gave that up years ago.

A long story.

About ten years ago, I met this guy in the local.

Turns out he's a hedge fund manager.

He sort of took me under his wing.

Before long, I was playing the markets myself.

Fortunately, I got out before the bubble burst.

-And now?

-Now I'm...semi-retired.

Surely you didn't make that much money?

I keep busy.

Split my time between the golf course

and doing a bit of charity work.

I'm very interested in the environment,

so I do my bit, try and give something back.

You never thought I'd make anything of myself, did you?

I wouldn't say that.

I just didn't see you as a...businessman.

-Better let you get back to your protegees.

-Brian?

Zoe said that you were taking her out to lunch later.

You've seen her already?

Just briefly.

Would it be unreasonable if I invited myself along?

I'd like to spend more time with you both.

Yeah, all right. Just like old times, eh?

Happy families!

I haven't booked anything,

but I'll get us a table at the gourmet gaff round the corner.

I'll see you there!

He seems nice, and a millionaire. Who is he?

My, er, ex-husband.

We've been here before? And yet you came back.

There's no reason why you won't come back for a third time.

So, I'm definitely going this time, then?

The situation with Karen is very complicated.

We've no idea what the future holds.

But in the meantime, there is work to be done!

Mm.

Even in my darkest hour, you've always been very comforting, Heston.

I've often said to Ashley that,

of all my gorgeous friends and colleagues at the Mill,

you are the gorgeous-est.

That's, erm... Thank you.

Looks really good. Brings out your eyes.

Really? It will have to do.

I'll have it couriered back to the surgery, after lunch.

No problem. Hey, you'd better watch out there are no paparazzi

at this snazzy restaurant.

You don't want Mr Dupont finding out!

-Mr Dupont?

-Your husband.

Does he not mind you having lunch with your ex?

I couldn't care less about Brian.

It's my daughter I want to see.

Hmm. Not exactly Gucci, is it?

It must be really hard being you.

Why do you say that?

Having to keep up these standards all the time.

Pretending to be something that you're not.

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

When you said lunch, I thought you meant the Chinese buffet -

"eat as much as you like".

You can eat as much as you like. Money's no object.

Won the Lottery, have you?

Another, please.

Dad! That was the most expensive bottle!

-You can't afford this!

-No. I know.

-But she can.

-Why?

Sorry I'm late.

Surgery doesn't start until four.

It's OK. I'll wait.

For half an hour? You'll get a chill.

Least of my worries.

Come on through. I'll see you now.

Thank you.

So you'll be a paediatric nurse once you've qualified?

That's the plan.

Or I might just jack it all in, marry some rich bloke instead.

I can't change the past, Zoe.

Dominic and I, we fell in love.

I was four, Mother.

Maybe when you're older, when you've experienced relationships,

perhaps then you'll understand.

I am older. I've had relationships.

But I still don't get you.

When I was your age, I always imagined I'd have children one day.

But first, there was so much I wanted to do.

Exotic travel and adventures, things I'd seen in magazines.

I'd barely left Wolverhampton when the two of us got together.

And then you...you happened, so much quicker than I'd expected.

And I put the kibosh on your schoolgirl dreams?

Yes, you did.

Only I didn't, did I?

Because you ditched us for a Ferrero Rocher advert,

found someone rich enough to make you feel special, superior!

Please, keep your voice down. This isn't the place

-for a character assassination.

-It's the perfect place!

Just the kind of sterile,

over-priced snob-fest you're used to!

All right, Zoe, you've made your point.

If you didn't want a scene, then why did you invite her?

She invited herself.

And I figured that three years of silence is enough.

-Maybe she deserves another chance.

-Why?

When she can't even bring herself to say sorry?

That would cost you too much, wouldn't it?

CAR HORN BEEPS

That'll be Craig.

He can give you a lift home if you like?

All right. Just give me a minute to settle up.

Who's Craig?

Her latest suitor. He's a good lad.

Sorry for leaving so suddenly.

We didn't really manage to move things on.

No, we didn't, did we?

Look, I know there are things you don't want to talk about,

of course you don't.

But I do need to know a little bit more about the circumstances,

your relationship with the father, and how you got pregnant.

We got together ages ago, on Bonfire Night.

Three months?

Yeah. That's ages, isn't it?

Yeah. I suppose it is.

It didn't really seem like a rash thing.

There was no pressure.

He was curious.

And so was I.

Did you use contraception?

Yeah, he did.

But the condom split.

I didn't stop those monthly payments out of spite.

A lot has changed for me in the last three years.

Dominic and I are divorced.

Oh.

-HE SCOFFS

-I'm sorry(!)

I didn't expect your sympathy.

It's just that my financial situation isn't what it was.

Only six figures in the bank now?

I'll let you get it.

Excuse me?

I can't afford posh nosh like this.

Not on my modest wage.

I thought you said you were loaded!

I said I was semi-retired and that I work on environmental concerns,

which is no lie.

I'm a caretaker, part-time.

What about all that guff about playing the markets?

I do the odd scratchcard.

You've never needed much reason to look down your nose.

I didn't want to give you an excuse.

You had me fooled. Well done.

Thanks for the meal.

Zoe! Your card.

Is that all?

Yes. That's all.

It must be lonely up on that high horse.

You've been up there so long, you've forgotten how to climb down.

Zoe?

You deserved better than me.

And you got it.

Excuse me. Your card has been declined.

Do you take platinum?

Before any termination could be signed-off,

you'd need to be seen and examined by another doctor.

Could I see someone else here, today?

No. You'd need to be seen at a specialist clinic.

I had to bunk off school today.

If I do the same again, Mum might get suspicious.

You could go in your lunch break?

How long will it take?

About an hour.

How soon could they see me?

We'd need to look into that.

-Do you want me to call the clinic for you?

-Yeah.

-Shall I do it now?

-Thanks.

I know what you mean.

If they just wanted to park the bus, then why give the ball away?

And where was the wonderkid? Nowhere near the woodwork.

I reckon they should go to 4-4-2.

Wasn't broke, so why fix it?

What happened to you?

I paid for a lunch I couldn't afford.

Why didn't your ex pay? He's minted, isn't he?

He had a little joke at my expense.

It's OK. The restaurant accepted my engagement ring.

No! What's your husband going to say?

I've been single for the last three years.

Dominic lost everything in the credit crunch.

And by the time we got divorced, there was nothing left.

No money, no assets, nothing.

The only valuable thing I had left was that ring. C'est la vie.

Thank you for this. It's actually very comfortable.

-Keep it.

-No. I couldn't really.

I'll sort you out with some shoes as well.

No, really. My hotel's only a couple of miles away,

and I rather like walking barefoot.

Back in a jiffy.

# Ta-da! #

I should have my own picture framing business!

Is that straight?

Absolutely! You just have to tilt your head slightly to the left.

Or is it the right?

What you did with that pantomime was nothing short of amazing!

You believed in Valerie Pitman when nobody else did.

And I became your Cinderella.

Pleasure.

Do they fit OK?

Yes. They're perfect.

-Hell must've frozen over.

-Pardon?

Oh, yes.

Are you sure you're going to be OK?

Quite sure.

In fact, I feel quite liberated.

Thank you again.

I was very rude to you earlier, wasn't I?

Yes, you were a little.

I'm very sorry. I wasn't feeling quite myself.

I have no idea what you have said or done to that woman,

but it has had a profound effect.

OK, thanks very much. I'll let her know.

All booked. 12.30 tomorrow.

That's the address of the clinic.

I don't know this area.

Is it far from my school?

About two miles.

You could get a bus, or it might be easier just to get a cab.

Have you got enough cash?

For the taxi.

No.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, just don't spend it all on sweets.

-Hey!

-Sorry. It's just there's so much to think about.

You are going to be fine. You are such a trooper.

You've been so nice. I don't know how to thank you.

It's all right. I do actually get paid to be this nice.

I feel bad asking one last thing,

but d'you think you could do something for me?

Hit me with it.

Do you think you could come with me?

I want to live more, do more,

before I'm ready for a child.

Maybe he thinks he's a prisoner of war.

He's a redundant arc-welder from Smethwick.

What's the motive?

What do you mean by motive?

I mean, are you the father?

He could be a Spetsnaz Sleeper.

Burzhuaznyie eemperialisty i skoro budete pobezhdeny.